Latest / The Parenting Podcast / The Family Bridge: Where Parenting and Grandparenting Meet | Ep. 162

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The Family Bridge: Where Parenting and Grandparenting Meet | Ep. 162 · The Parenting Podcast

• 0:05
  Cheryl: Whether you're stepping into grandparenting, soaking it up already, or parenting in the middle, navigating life with your own kids and their grandparents.
• 0:17
  Cheryl: This episode's for you.
• 0:20
  Cheryl: The grandparenting journey brings lots of layers, joy.
• 0:25
  Cheryl: Legacy, tension, connection, all woven through three generations.
• 0:31
  Cheryl: I'm Cheryl Lang and today on the Parenting Podcast we're exploring how to show up well in it.
• 0:38
  Cheryl: All with grace, humility, and love.
• 0:42
  Cheryl: I'm so glad you're here.
• 0:52
  Christie: Well, Cheryl, I have fallen deep, deep into the waters, what deep into the grandparenting waters.
• 0:59
  Christie: I am just drowning in love with the sweet baby in a way that I never knew possible.
• 1:05
  Christie: Isn't that true?
• 1:06
  Christie: It's just got back from Phoenix, and if you know you've been listening for a while, you know Phoenix equals my heart right now.
• 1:13
  Christie: I mean, I have plenty of heart here in Oklahoma too, but.
• 1:16
  Christie: Yeah, we just, she's three months old now and so she's smiling and I am just overwhelmed with that.
• 1:23
  Christie: I am now a grandmother.
• 1:25
  Christie: Oh.
• 1:25
  Christie: And you know, it's very
• 1:26
  Cheryl: interesting and, It's just a very different relationship from being a parent.
• 1:30
  Christie: Mm-hmm.
• 1:31
  Christie: Mm-hmm.
• 1:31
  Cheryl: And I didn't know to expect it.
• 1:34
  Christie: Yeah.
• 1:34
  Cheryl: Christie, what about if we just spend today and we talk about grandparenting?
• 1:39
  Christie: That'd be great.
• 1:39
  Christie: 'cause I, I, I just think it's a new relationship that has lots of excitement, but.
• 1:45
  Christie: Like you have mentored me and my mothering all these years.
• 1:49
  Christie: I, I'd love to hear from you just how to navigate this season.
• 1:53
  Christie: Well,
• 1:54
  Cheryl: and you use the verb navigate, and I would say that, but Christie also have a lot of people who come ask me questions, not because they're in the grandparenting years, but because they're dealing with grandparents, right.
• 2:07
  Cheryl: That they're now as parents in their active parenting years.
• 2:10
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 2:11
  Cheryl: And they're having to deal with their parents in that.
• 2:15
  Cheryl: Triple generational.
• 2:16
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 2:16
  Cheryl: It changes
• 2:17
  Christie: the relationship.
• 2:18
  Cheryl: It, it really does or adds
• 2:19
  Christie: a layer to it.
• 2:21
  Cheryl: Uh, it can add a lot of layers, uhhuh and complications, but there's the opportunity of riches.
• 2:26
  Cheryl: Right.
• 2:26
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 2:26
  Cheryl: So let's talk about all of it.
• 2:28
  Cheryl: Not just those who are grandparents, but anybody has to deal mm-hmm.
• 2:32
  Cheryl: With grandparents.
• 2:33
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 2:33
  Cheryl: Alright.
• 2:34
  Cheryl: Well, the first thing we can start out with what.
• 2:37
  Cheryl: Psychologist, say, and studies show is that it can be a real win-win, win opportunity Mm.
• 2:45
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 2:45
  Cheryl: Psychologically, physically, and even, um, longevity of life.
• 2:51
  Cheryl: Can be attached to grandparenting.
• 2:54
  Cheryl: Oh.
• 2:55
  Cheryl: And my, my children who are parents will remind me of that.
• 3:00
  Cheryl: Go, remember, not only are you blessing them, but this is so good for you.
• 3:04
  Cheryl: And so it can be an amazing blessing and it's, different from parenting, but there is something truly special about it through the generations.
• 3:16
  Cheryl: And for me personally, Christie, I didn't know about grandparenting.
• 3:20
  Cheryl: My parents were basically orphaned as children,
• 3:23
  and
• 3:23
  Cheryl: so we hardly had any extended family.
• 3:28
  Cheryl: I didn't know this grandparenting relationship at all.
• 3:31
  Cheryl: And so when my first two were little, I was shocked because I thought my parents would just love them because they love me.
• 3:39
  Cheryl: Mm.
• 3:40
  Cheryl: And I thought, oh, they'll be kind to them and, all of that, but just because they love me and I found out, oh, I'm the generation in the way.
• 3:48
  Cheryl: Right.
• 3:48
  Cheryl: I love it.
• 3:49
  Cheryl: I saw the richness of that relationship.
• 3:53
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 3:54
  Cheryl: And so it was a whole new world for me and.
• 3:57
  Cheryl: I love experiencing it myself, so there's so much positive can come from it, but unfortunately there can be hurt and struggles as well.
• 4:08
  Christie: Hmm.
• 4:09
  Christie: Yeah, I mean, just by you saying that, I think about.
• 4:14
  Christie: These are their children.
• 4:16
  Christie: You know, yeah.
• 4:17
  Christie: And it's their child and you wanna be involved, but how do you balance wanting to be involved in the relationship with both your child mm-hmm.
• 4:26
  Christie: And your grandchild, but still respecting those boundaries of their own nuclear family.
• 4:32
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 4:32
  Cheryl: And see, you just summarized a lot of the problem uhhuh, and I think one of the things I would say for you and for those who are becoming grandparents, That you need to learn to embrace a new role.
• 4:44
  Cheryl: Okay?
• 4:45
  Cheryl: You need to put down the role of parenting.
• 4:48
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 4:48
  Cheryl: And pick up the role of grandparenting.
• 4:49
  Cheryl: Mm.
• 4:50
  Cheryl: And.
• 4:51
  Cheryl: I mean, that's so much, it can be really hard because when we parent, we are completely involved.
• 4:58
  Cheryl: We care about everything.
• 5:00
  Cheryl: Um, good parents nurture, and we curate and we spend all our time and effort, energy pouring into our children.
• 5:08
  Cheryl: And then it's really hard because sort of like severing that umbilical cord, how do I pour into my grandchildren whom I love?
• 5:18
  Cheryl: With all of my heart and I don't parent them.
• 5:21
  Cheryl: I wanna say parenthetically, there are a lot of grandparents who are raising their grandchildren Sure.
• 5:28
  Cheryl: And having to take on a bigger load.
• 5:30
  Mm-hmm.
• 5:30
  Cheryl: And that's a different subject.
• 5:32
  Cheryl: Right.
• 5:32
  Cheryl: So.
• 5:33
  Cheryl: Uh, kudos to them.
• 5:35
  Cheryl: What a blessing.
• 5:36
  Cheryl: But those are different issues.
• 5:37
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 5:38
  Cheryl: So let's just limit what we're talking about today to grandparents who aren't having to do the parenting role.
• 5:43
  Cheryl: Right.
• 5:44
  Cheryl: Right.
• 5:44
  Cheryl: Of their grandchildren.
• 5:46
  Cheryl: So there needs to be a mindset shift.
• 5:49
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 5:50
  Cheryl: I have to realize and respect that these are their children,,, not mine.
• 5:56
  Right.
• 5:56
  Cheryl: And I remember intentionally doing it because again, I had no role models.
• 6:01
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 6:01
  Cheryl: So I remember intentionally doing it because I adore my grandchildren.
• 6:05
  Cheryl: I remember my very first grand.
• 6:06
  Cheryl: Daughter, I came over the next day before they went home from the birthing center and nobody else was there.
• 6:13
  Cheryl: So she was all mine with them.
• 6:16
  Cheryl: And I just held her in my lap and I just gazed at her and just tears of joy and wonder and you know, with them adoring her and it opened up a whole new world.
• 6:29
  Cheryl: Mm.
• 6:29
  Cheryl: And then.
• 6:30
  Cheryl: I had to be the mature me and learn how to let it go.
• 6:34
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 6:35
  Cheryl: Because I don't have to make parenting choices.
• 6:39
  Cheryl: Right.
• 6:39
  Cheryl: And so I would say for you and any other grandparents listening to evaluate.
• 6:45
  Cheryl: Is this a parenting decision or a grandparenting decision?
• 6:48
  Cheryl: Mm mm-hmm.
• 6:49
  Cheryl: And so release them, respect them.
• 6:51
  Cheryl: It's all the things we say about releasing our adult children.
• 6:55
  Cheryl: Now we have to do it because now we really care.
• 6:59
  Cheryl: 'cause not only can they mess up their own lives, right?
• 7:02
  Cheryl: But they can mess up my grandchildren's lives.
• 7:04
  Cheryl: Right?
• 7:04
  Cheryl: This
• 7:04
  Christie: is my lineage I'm talking about here.
• 7:06
  Christie: No, and it's, you know.
• 7:09
  Christie: Neither of us are saying this is a reflection on our own kids, but absolutely not.
• 7:12
  Christie: It's just observations and as people learn more things, I mean, it was the same.
• 7:17
  Christie: Yeah.
• 7:18
  Christie: When I was raising my girls, there were generations behind me saying, well, it worked for us.
• 7:23
  Christie: We didn't, you know, have car seats.
• 7:25
  Christie: Absolutely.
• 7:25
  Christie: We didn't do this.
• 7:26
  Christie: We didn't do that.
• 7:26
  Christie: Absolutely.
• 7:27
  Christie: And you survived just fine.
• 7:28
  Christie: And yes, that's true, but as we learn and grow, we do better as we know better.
• 7:33
  Christie: And to not, one of the hardest things I've realized is not to feel like it's a reflection on your own parenting.
• 7:40
  Christie: And I've actually heard lots of friends and my kids' friends make comments of, you know.
• 7:46
  Christie: That tension between I'm not doing it the way Yeah, my mom did, or, you know, she doesn't approve of how I raised her, and it's not that personal.
• 7:57
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 7:57
  Cheryl: I like.
• 7:58
  Cheryl: To, talk about expectations, but particularly kind of put things out on the table.
• 8:03
  Mm-hmm.
• 8:03
  Cheryl: So, one of the things I wanted to say to my children is, these are your babies.
• 8:08
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 8:09
  Cheryl: And I love them, but I respect you as parents.
• 8:11
  Cheryl: That's good.
• 8:11
  Cheryl: And I don't want to intrude at all.
• 8:14
  Cheryl: I want to be here.
• 8:15
  Cheryl: I want to support you.
• 8:16
  Cheryl: I.
• 8:17
  Cheryl: Want to pray for you, all of that, but I don't want you to feel any pressure.
• 8:23
  Mm.
• 8:23
  Cheryl: That I have expectations on you or that you're failing me if you don't do things the way I did'em.
• 8:30
  Cheryl: Now, I will tell you the truth.
• 8:33
  Cheryl: Did I always feel that way, Kristy?
• 8:35
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 8:36
  Cheryl: No.
• 8:36
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 8:36
  Cheryl: Because like, wow, I thought that was best, let's just say bottle versus breast.
• 8:42
  Okay.
• 8:43
  That
• 8:43
  Cheryl: I breastfed, I'm quite the naturalist, and I believed in all of that.
• 8:47
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 8:47
  Cheryl: And let's say one of mine chose not to.
• 8:50
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 8:51
  Cheryl: I have no business intruding on that.
• 8:53
  Cheryl: Right.
• 8:53
  Cheryl: And so the mature me that wants to love them well and keep the communication open mm-hmm.
• 8:58
  Cheryl: Just, it's a non-issue.
• 9:00
  Cheryl: That's so good.
• 9:01
  Cheryl: You know?
• 9:02
  Cheryl: And of course we're not talking about anything that's dangerous or anything.
• 9:07
  Cheryl: Right.
• 9:07
  Cheryl: We're talking about regular, normal, real life
• 9:10
  Christie: preferences, opinions, styles.
• 9:11
  Cheryl: yes! even values, right?
• 9:13
  Cheryl: Because let's just say that breastfeeding is a value, uhhuh, it reflects the way I see certain things, right?
• 9:19
  Cheryl: And their values are their values, and I want them to live by that, and I don't want to cast this huge shadow over them.
• 9:27
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 9:27
  Cheryl: And Christie, I'm aware because, you know, I've done.
• 9:31
  Cheryl: Over half of my parenting years, as a widow.
• 9:34
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 9:34
  Cheryl: And so I carry a big footprint in my children's lives.
• 9:37
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 9:38
  Cheryl: And I did try to live according to my values, and I expressed my values to them.
• 9:44
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 9:44
  Cheryl: So they would understand why we do things and why I do this, and this is the science behind it, or this is my belief system behind it.
• 9:51
  Cheryl: Right.
• 9:51
  Cheryl: And so I have that dialogue going all of their life.
• 9:54
  Cheryl: And then suddenly it gets very quiet.
• 9:57
  Cheryl: And what I wanted to do is verbalize, I'm not quiet because I disapprove.
• 10:02
  Cheryl: Oh, that's good.
• 10:03
  Cheryl: And both of my.
• 10:05
  Cheryl: Children that have Children have lived with me at different times, uh, for some extended periods of time.
• 10:11
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 10:11
  Cheryl: But if not even that they live in town with me.
• 10:13
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 10:14
  Cheryl: And, um, I wanted to say those things up front and I wanted to say, please feel free.
• 10:21
  Cheryl: My silence doesn't mean condemnation.
• 10:23
  Cheryl: I'm just encouraging you.
• 10:24
  Cheryl: How can I help you?
• 10:26
  Mm-hmm.
• 10:26
  Cheryl: And again, um, that was done out a position of love.
• 10:31
  Cheryl: And because I wanted to affirm them, I wasn't necessarily all that mature all the time.
• 10:37
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 10:37
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 10:37
  Cheryl: You have to grow into that maturity.
• 10:39
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 10:39
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 10:40
  Cheryl: So I would say absolutely that humility is the greatest character quality I could bring to it.
• 10:48
  Cheryl: It is a difficult balance.
• 10:50
  Cheryl: You're asking how to be involved and how not to overdo it.
• 10:55
  Cheryl: Um, I like what you said you did a few weeks ago when you went to visit your daughter mm-hmm.
• 11:01
  Cheryl: And her family, and you said, Hey, would you please tell me how long you want us to stay there?
• 11:07
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 11:08
  Cheryl: And you opened up the dialogue.
• 11:10
  Cheryl: See.
• 11:11
  Cheryl: As the grandparent, I think we should be the one to initiate the dialogue.
• 11:15
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 11:15
  Cheryl: To say, what boundaries do you want?
• 11:18
  Cheryl: what can I do in this?
• 11:19
  Cheryl: Where do you want me to step in?
• 11:20
  Cheryl: And ask them.
• 11:23
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 11:23
  Cheryl: To set the boundaries or the expectations is a a lot nicer word.
• 11:27
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 11:27
  Cheryl: And then I would flip that if you're the sandwiched InBetween parent that.
• 11:34
  Cheryl: I think it would be healthier for everybody if you need to, to have a time that you talk to your parents Mm.
• 11:40
  Cheryl: And say, can we sit down and talk about this because this is causing tension between us.
• 11:45
  Mm-hmm.
• 11:45
  Cheryl: And let's talk about it.
• 11:47
  Christie: Right.
• 11:47
  Cheryl: And so healthy relationships are healthy boundaries.
• 11:50
  Christie: Yeah.
• 11:50
  Christie: And
• 11:51
  Cheryl: to, work hard to keep the communication open, but when you can't, you have to draw boundaries.
• 11:58
  Christie: Yeah.
• 11:58
  Cheryl: And boundaries, pretty much have to be verbalized.
• 12:01
  Mm-hmm.
• 12:01
  Cheryl: Someone came to me and they said, we're really struggling because the grandparents allow them to watch programs.
• 12:08
  Cheryl: On television and stream movies that we don't approve.
• 12:11
  Cheryl: These were her young children.
• 12:12
  Mm-hmm.
• 12:13
  Cheryl: And so we talked about it and I said, clearly this is a value.
• 12:17
  Cheryl: And as parents.
• 12:19
  Cheryl: You don't want that.
• 12:20
  Cheryl: You're going to have to talk to them.
• 12:22
  Christie: Yeah.
• 12:22
  Cheryl: And when they did, it produced huge conflict.
• 12:26
  Cheryl: Ugh.
• 12:26
  Cheryl: In the relationship.
• 12:28
  Cheryl: Because the grandparents said what you said while ago, Uhhuh.
• 12:31
  Cheryl: Well, you watched him when you were little and we were good parents, and you're a wonderful person.
• 12:36
  Cheryl: Why do you think we would be harming our grandchildren?
• 12:39
  Cheryl: And so they.
• 12:39
  Cheryl: Took it very personally.
• 12:41
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 12:41
  Cheryl: And so then she said, what do we do?
• 12:44
  Cheryl: I haven't talked to my dad in a week and a half.
• 12:47
  Cheryl: I said, well, that's not the way to have a relationship.
• 12:49
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 12:49
  Cheryl: And so, you know, go back to him when you're ready and then have your conversation and.
• 12:55
  Cheryl: you might say love you.
• 12:56
  Cheryl: I appreciate you, but it's the whole conversation of boundaries.
• 13:00
  Cheryl: I love you and we need to have this boundary because we have a primary responsibility for our children.
• 13:05
  Cheryl: And it's not a reflection on your parenting, don't go back and reflect on how you thought you did as a parent.
• 13:11
  Cheryl: This is what I'm asking from you.
• 13:13
  Cheryl: And actually we need to draw this boundary, whatever the boundary is.
• 13:17
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 13:18
  Cheryl: Um.
• 13:18
  Cheryl: It's a lot.
• 13:19
  Cheryl: Christy, you're talking about something that's a delicate balance.
• 13:23
  Cheryl: I would say both sides need to work at not making something, an issue that shouldn't be.
• 13:29
  Cheryl: To have flexibility.
• 13:31
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 13:32
  Cheryl: Both ways in the relationship that you can allow it until it's necessary to talk about it because it truly is a boundary or a value that needs to be reinforced.
• 13:42
  Cheryl: I don't know if that's a good explanation of it.
• 13:44
  Christie: Yeah, no, I think that helps a lot we're on both ends of the relationship.
• 13:48
  Christie: Whoever's listening to this is now responsible to act on Yeah.
• 13:52
  Christie: Wisdom given.
• 13:53
  Christie: And so I like what you're saying though, the encouragement to the grandparent side for me to take the initiative to lead in the conversation and open the door because, you know, it can be intimidating.
• 14:05
  Christie: You don't know how your parents are going to be as grandparents.
• 14:08
  Christie: Yeah.
• 14:08
  Christie: You know, the beginning.
• 14:09
  Christie: And so it is.
• 14:12
  Christie: A wise move to take the, um, step to say, Hey, I want this to be a safe place for you to communicate Yes to me.
• 14:20
  Christie: Because, you know, you, you hear your friends talk and say, oh, my, my parents are the worst about this or that.
• 14:25
  Christie: yeah.
• 14:26
  Christie: I, I think that's really good.
• 14:28
  Cheryl: Well, I will tell you one way that I handled a little bit of that conflict, particularly when there were kind of values that were different from what our values were in our home for example, different ways of showing love different people and then different grandparents show love different ways.
• 14:46
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 14:47
  Cheryl: And some people are more verbal in the ways they do it.
• 14:50
  Cheryl: Some are very cuddling and affectionate and they do it, and some grandparents show their love.
• 14:57
  Cheryl: With buying things for their grandchildren.
• 14:59
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 14:59
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 14:59
  Cheryl: And so I remember a certain situation and I've talked with my children saying they're trying to show you love, just a different way.
• 15:08
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 15:08
  Cheryl: Having conversations as my children got a little bit older grandma and grandpa do something a different way.
• 15:14
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 15:14
  Mm.
• 15:15
  Cheryl: I think brought some flexibility.
• 15:18
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 15:18
  Cheryl: Into it's okay to do something different and love a different way That's good.
• 15:23
  Cheryl: Or make some different choices, uh, that are still within the realm of what's acceptable.
• 15:28
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 15:28
  Cheryl: But just something different.
• 15:31
  Cheryl: Right.
• 15:31
  Cheryl: And I think that was helpful and brought flexibility.
• 15:36
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 15:36
  Cheryl: That I would not have had,'cause I was very committed to our values and what I wanted to do.
• 15:42
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 15:42
  Cheryl: And I was so glad because it forced me to be much more open-handed, less judgmental, less critical, and in fact try to, uh, embrace different things that It's okay.
• 15:56
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 15:57
  Cheryl: To be different
• 15:58
  Christie: well that makes a lot of sense.
• 15:59
  Christie: Especially when you think, I mean, when you bring in the idea of in-laws, it may be that there's cultural differences between the two families.
• 16:06
  Christie: Yes.
• 16:06
  Christie: That there's just lifestyle differences.
• 16:09
  Christie: You know, my husband talking and I talk about all the time, the different ways that we, you know.
• 16:14
  Christie: Open a can or just everyday things.
• 16:16
  Christie: You're like, that's so weird.
• 16:17
  Christie: Why do you do it that way?
• 16:19
  Christie: Yes, but it is great to have diversity in the way we communicate, the way we show love, the way we do household chores.
• 16:26
  Christie: All of those things are a great experience for your kids to learn.
• 16:30
  Cheryl: And so whatever generation we are in this, if we are the.
• 16:32
  Cheryl: Grandparent, or the second middle generation, If we bring that flexibility Yeah.
• 16:36
  Cheryl: And a sense of humor.
• 16:38
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 16:39
  Cheryl: Um, I think that helps.
• 16:41
  Christie: Especially your in-laws.
• 16:43
  Christie: Yeah.
• 16:43
  Christie: You care about what they think
• 16:45
  Cheryl: I will say that's a more complicated relationship.
• 16:48
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 16:48
  Cheryl: Um, because you just talk about cultural difference and priorities and, you know, something that we might never have considered Right.
• 16:58
  Cheryl: Is a.
• 16:59
  Cheryl: Core practice or core value.
• 17:01
  Cheryl: And then now if you believe that your families are, you know, we have been grafted into mm-hmm.
• 17:07
  Cheryl: Each other's family trees, then I would say particularly with in-laws that you be much more aware of how you interact and what you say I would just say again, be very open-handed and intentionally, not take it personally.
• 17:22
  Mm-hmm.
• 17:23
  Cheryl: Laying down an agenda.
• 17:24
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 17:25
  Cheryl: Rather than just trying to live out your core values.
• 17:29
  Cheryl: Right.
• 17:30
  Christie: And they're not your
• 17:31
  Cheryl: children.
• 17:32
  Christie: That is
• 17:32
  Cheryl: exactly right.
• 17:33
  Cheryl: You don't
• 17:34
  Christie: have to be invited at all to the table.
• 17:36
  Christie: But the, the fact that you're included in this child's life and that they're, um, inviting you into this space, you should honor and respect that
• 17:44
  Cheryl: And what a privilege it is.
• 17:46
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 17:46
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 17:47
  Cheryl: Christie, you think that your daughter and her son-in-law are doing a great job?
• 17:50
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 17:51
  Cheryl: But they are gonna be a different family than you are.
• 17:53
  Cheryl: Right?
• 17:54
  Cheryl: And they're gonna make different decisions based on their values, their culture, all of that, right?
• 18:00
  Cheryl: And so if I were you, I would practice with your words, affirming that and encouraging them, and then.
• 18:08
  Cheryl: Not take it personally.
• 18:09
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 18:10
  Cheryl: When they do make different choices.
• 18:11
  Cheryl: Right.
• 18:12
  Cheryl: And that you continue to develop yourself as a person aside from them, so that your life isn't just your grandchildren.
• 18:21
  Cheryl: That's good.
• 18:22
  Cheryl: Because I know some people, that's all they have, yeah.
• 18:24
  Cheryl: Are their grandchildren and they're not Becoming a multidimensional person and.
• 18:30
  Cheryl: Uh, one of the things I want to do is I want my grandchildren to be a motivation for me to become a better person.
• 18:36
  Cheryl: Mm.
• 18:36
  Cheryl: I love that.
• 18:37
  Cheryl: I want to continue to grow.
• 18:38
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 18:38
  Cheryl: So that.
• 18:39
  Cheryl: You know, my 4-year-old grandchild when they're 10, that I'm a better person than I was when they were four.
• 18:45
  Christie: Yeah.
• 18:46
  Cheryl: and I have interest and talk about it, so that I make them think, wow, getting older is.
• 18:53
  Cheryl: Is good.
• 18:54
  Christie: That's so good.
• 18:55
  Christie: So we, okay, so we've talked about some of the, the challenging, hard things, but now you're kind of getting into the fun stuff.
• 19:01
  Christie: Oh, it's great.
• 19:02
  Christie: What are some of the fun ways to just connect with your grandkids and invest in them and.
• 19:08
  Christie: Well be in their lives and especially, you know, we're long distance.
• 19:12
  Christie: Yes.
• 19:12
  Christie: So, and I know you've had your grandkids long distance at different times.
• 19:15
  Christie: And
• 19:16
  Cheryl: I have to let them be the gatekeepers.
• 19:19
  Cheryl: Mm.
• 19:20
  Cheryl: And so I'll have to say I'm available.
• 19:22
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 19:23
  Cheryl: And then let them be the gatekeepers and not get my feelings hurt.
• 19:26
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 19:26
  Cheryl: Or be offended when the gate's not as open as I would like it to be.
• 19:30
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 19:30
  Cheryl: Whether they're here or far.
• 19:32
  Cheryl: Right.
• 19:32
  Cheryl: Um.
• 19:33
  Cheryl: And I let them do most of setting that up.
• 19:38
  Cheryl: That's good.
• 19:38
  Cheryl: And then I choose to try to integrate.
• 19:41
  Cheryl: The way they would like me to.
• 19:43
  Cheryl: Mm.
• 19:43
  Cheryl: But the great stuff is just being free to love my grandchildren for who they are.
• 19:50
  Cheryl: Oh, I love that.
• 19:51
  Cheryl: 'cause my children, I mean, that's why we have the parenting podcast, right?
• 19:54
  Cheryl: with my own children, I had so much responsibility and I was responsible, responsible, responsible.
• 19:59
  Cheryl: And now I want just love them with the most mature love that I can bring to the relationship.
• 20:05
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 20:05
  Cheryl: And I love the connection because if it's well done, one of the things I want to be is an advocate in their life for what I believe is important and valuable and.
• 20:17
  Cheryl: Worthy, and I also wanna be an advocate for them in their relationship to their parents.
• 20:22
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 20:23
  Cheryl: I was talking to my 8-year-old and saying I can hardly wait, it'll be so much fun when you're a teenager and you can come over and, and we can talk about stuff.
• 20:31
  Cheryl: Or you can just sit here and, and you can, you know, talk about your boyfriends or whatever you want to, you can talk to me about anything.
• 20:38
  Christie: Yeah.
• 20:39
  Cheryl: And, then the same thing.
• 20:41
  Cheryl: I want to be a listening, loving ear with maturity I never had in my children's lives when they were growing up.
• 20:49
  Cheryl: I was too involved.
• 20:51
  Cheryl: Mm.
• 20:51
  Cheryl: I was too subjective.
• 20:53
  Cheryl: I was too immature, worried and afraid, all of that.
• 20:57
  Cheryl: And I had such responsibility, and now I don't have any responsibility except to love them.
• 21:01
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 21:02
  Cheryl: And so that's the big thing.
• 21:03
  Cheryl: It's so exciting, the freedom you have with rhythm.
• 21:07
  Cheryl: To just love her.
• 21:08
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 21:09
  Cheryl: But you love her with her parents being the gatekeepers?
• 21:12
  Christie: Yes.
• 21:13
  Christie: That's good.
• 21:13
  Christie: That's really good.
• 21:15
  Christie: Yeah.
• 21:15
  Christie: I had the realization the other day.
• 21:16
  Christie: You know, we have all, we had all girls and just had a lot of dance recitals and I thought, wow, we could.
• 21:24
  Christie: They could be interested in anything.
• 21:26
  Christie: Our grandkids, we could be sitting on the ball field.
• 21:28
  Christie: We could be doing, yes.
• 21:29
  Christie: You know, karate, who knows what we'll do.
• 21:31
  Christie: And I love the point you made of just celebrating whoever they are.
• 21:34
  Christie: Yes.
• 21:35
  Christie: Not, oh, don't you wanna do this?
• 21:36
  Christie: Your mom loved to do this.
• 21:38
  Christie: Yeah.
• 21:38
  Christie: Or trying to encourage them in a direction, but just celebrate who they're becoming as they develop into their own individuals,
• 21:44
  Cheryl: which is who we wish we were as parents.
• 21:47
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 21:47
  Cheryl: But we just didn't have the maturity.
• 21:49
  Cheryl: Right.
• 21:49
  Cheryl: Or the perspective uhhuh.
• 21:51
  Cheryl: Okay?
• 21:51
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 21:51
  Cheryl: And that's what I would encourage.
• 21:53
  Cheryl: And then I wanna circle back one more time to those who are the sandwiched in between generation.
• 22:00
  Cheryl: that they prioritize relationship, but not where it's unhealthy and that they have the primary responsibility to parent and raise the children.
• 22:12
  Cheryl: Mm.
• 22:12
  Cheryl: Not.
• 22:13
  Cheryl: To please their parents.
• 22:15
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 22:15
  Cheryl: And so it's a huge responsibility to walk that line.
• 22:20
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 22:20
  Mm-hmm.
• 22:21
  Cheryl: And even if either the generations on either side of you aren't.
• 22:25
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 22:26
  Cheryl: I hope this is encouraging.
• 22:27
  Cheryl: Again, what we say about parenting is that being in a relationship with a grandparent or being a grandparent, it's.
• 22:38
  Cheryl: Grace and loving others well.
• 22:40
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 22:41
  Cheryl: Not taking it personally.
• 22:43
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 22:43
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 22:44
  Christie: All of those, why didn't we name this podcast that, don't take it personally
• 22:48
  Cheryl: exactly right.
• 22:49
  Cheryl: because all of it, those qualities enable me to walk in the relationships better.
• 22:55
  Christie: Yeah.
• 22:55
  Christie: Cheryl, thank you for this because.
• 22:57
  Christie: I just don't feel like there's as much out there in grandparenting wisdom, as you know, as parenting wisdom.
• 23:04
  Christie: I hope our listeners enjoyed this and benefited from it.
• 23:08
  Christie: I know I did.
• 23:08
  Cheryl: I do too.
• 23:10
  Cheryl: So grandparents, parents, hang in there, keep loving, keep persevering because it's worth it.
• 23:17
  Cheryl: As we close, I just want to remind you this grandparenting journey with all its beauty and bumps is part of a much bigger story.
• 23:26
  Cheryl: Whether you're stepping into it with joy, wrestling through boundaries or caught in the middle, trying to keep peace across generations, it's okay to feel the weight of it.
• 23:38
  Cheryl: These layered roles don't come with the manual, but, when we choose humility, when we keep pursuing connection over control, and when we honor each other's place in the family, we're doing something important.
• 23:52
  Cheryl: I.
• 23:53
  Cheryl: And lasting.
• 23:54
  Cheryl: It shapes the climate of our homes and leaves a mark that echoes through generations.
• 24:00
  Cheryl: If today's conversation help you breathe a little deeper or brought things up that you're wrestling with, don't keep it to yourself.
• 24:09
  Cheryl: Reach out.
• 24:10
  Cheryl: I'd love to hear from you.
• 24:12
  Cheryl: You can always connect at contact@theparentingpodcast.com or find us on social media.
• 24:20
  Cheryl: Thanks for sharing this time with me.
• 24:22
  Cheryl: See you soon.