Latest / Dear Divorce Diary: A Fresh Approach To Healing Grief & Building A Life Of Confidence After Divorce / 70. Me: I'm not interested in the process of divorce. You: But you're a divorce recovery maven! Me: Let me explain...

Transcript

70. Me: I'm not interested in the process of divorce. You: But you're a divorce recovery maven! Me: Let me explain... · Dear Divorce Diary: A Fresh Approach To Healing Grief & Building A Life Of Confidence After Divorce

• 0:53
  Speaker 1: Hi love, this is Dawn, and you're listening to Dear Divorce Diary with my coach, dawn, where we explore the post-divorce life and you, the woman who lives it.
• 1:02
  Speaker 1: We cover everything from trauma during and after divorce to feeling like a stranger in your own life and the new frontier of life as a single woman.
• 1:12
  Speaker 1: We're cozy in for the conversations we've been longing to have about this new life.
• 1:18
  Speaker 1: Hi love, okay, today is the day, friend, that you decide you want to cancel me Ding, but then I hope that, because we're best friends now, you don't actually do that and instead we just go deeper in our relationship.
• 1:40
  Speaker 1: So what's it all about, dawn?
• 1:44
  Speaker 1: Well, I thought it was time for me to tell you how much I'm actually disinterested in divorce, which is shocking because I have built this entire brand and podcast and my life's work on my own personal experience with divorce and my belief that divorce is one of the most powerful catalysts in my life and in yours to tapping so deeply into your personal power, to, yes, divorcing your ex, but marrying your personal power in a way that you have never done before, that you can't even fathom is possible.
• 2:27
  Speaker 1: And so I have this experience that I'm going to bring you inside of right, so you can kind of feel it with me, but I have this experience when I'm scrolling the gram or whatever's, where I feel very different than which is totally on point for me.
• 2:44
  Speaker 1: I'm an Aquarius rising, if that means anything to you, but I feel very different than who do you hear that Wisconsin just come out than many of my let's call them peers in the space of divorce recovery and divorce healing, and I think for a long time I probably would have judged that differentness that I feel to be not as good as or not good enough, and it's taken me these years and definitely probably you know, this podcast is a year and a half old, almost right this journey of sitting here with you week after week and talking about these things to really understand on such a deep level why I feel different, and that being different is not wrong.
• 3:35
  Speaker 1: Let me explain.
• 3:36
  Speaker 1: I think that what I witness in the divorce recovery space is still a lot of obsessing or looping or hyper, focusing on exes, lawyers, co-parenting, narcissism, abuse, the problem, right, the problem.
• 3:59
  Speaker 1: I still see so many people working towards recovering, doing a lot of blaming and a lot of focusing on the solution and not the problem.
• 4:10
  Speaker 1: And so why does that matter?
• 4:15
  Speaker 1: Well, because when we're focused more on the darkness than the light, we cannot rise.
• 4:25
  Speaker 1: And we're going to get deep into this today.
• 4:30
  Speaker 1: Let me just read you this quote that producer Joy posted once, and I'm obsessed with it.
• 4:34
  Speaker 1: This is like a meme.
• 4:36
  Speaker 1: It's just a meme.
• 4:36
  Speaker 1: The degree to which a person can grow is directly proportionate to the amount of truth they can accept about themselves without shifting blame upon someone else.
• 4:52
  Speaker 1: One more time the degree to which a person can grow is directly proportionate to the amount of truth they can accept about themselves without shifting blame upon someone else.
• 5:08
  Speaker 1: This is, to me, one of the most powerful quotes we can take on board, and it is the key to so much of our healing and our personal power.
• 5:20
  Speaker 1: And it's not an entirely new concept.
• 5:24
  Speaker 1: Right, the Lord, for Brené Brown, who has done so much work around vulnerability, shame and blame and helping us understand how blame is a way of hot wiring, connection and self-esteem, and that vulnerability is what this meme is talking about.
• 5:42
  Speaker 1: Right, the ability to see oneself clearly requires boatloads like massive, like cruise ship size loads of humility and vulnerability, saying I don't know, I'm not sure what if I can't, you know?
• 5:56
  Speaker 1: Like these, very like looking at ourselves without anger, without blame, without looking at each other without anger, without blame, like that is oh, that's humble and vulnerable.
• 6:10
  Speaker 1: It's like what if I don't know?
• 6:11
  Speaker 1: What if I'm not right?
• 6:12
  Speaker 1: What if I don't see it all?
• 6:14
  Speaker 1: Wow, there's so much vulnerability, right.
• 6:16
  Speaker 1: And so in the divorce recovery space, anytime I dance close to those topics that are hyper focused on the problem, I feel like I'm becoming part of the problem and I also know that I'm a therapist at my core, a healer, right, let's just say a healer at my core, right.
• 6:38
  Speaker 1: But to have a business, we learn about marketing and anywhere and everywhere I've learned about marketing.
• 6:45
  Speaker 1: Until lately, the marketers teach us to pray.
• 6:50
  Speaker 1: Not pray as in talk to God, pray as in PR, ey, pr, ey.
• 6:55
  Speaker 1: Yes, on your pain points, to advertise to you solutions to your pain points.
• 7:03
  Speaker 1: That if I were to advertise to you solutions for your goals, you would not want to buy the product as much as if I advertise to you solutions to your pain points.
• 7:16
  Speaker 1: Meaning we are, we are acculturated to relating to ourselves in problem, not in solution.
• 7:25
  Speaker 1: That if we go and we look at the amount of downloads of this podcast and these episodes BTW, we are approaching 20,000 downloads on the pod right now.
• 7:36
  Speaker 1: I feel very excited about that.
• 7:38
  Speaker 1: But if we look at the numbers of podcasts, episode downloads, we look at the most provocative titles, the most, the darkest, most painful topics You've.
• 7:48
  Speaker 1: You've listened to more of those episodes than the ones that are bathed in the light.
• 7:52
  Speaker 1: And so why is that important to know?
• 7:55
  Speaker 1: Because, love, you want to believe you're good enough.
• 8:01
  Speaker 1: You want to believe you're worthy.
• 8:02
  Speaker 1: You want to attract this amazing partner, you want to have this amazing job, you want to have these amazing kids, you want to have this amazing life and you believe.
• 8:08
  Speaker 1: You want to believe that you're worth it, and you freaking know you don't deserve what you just got out of.
• 8:13
  Speaker 1: You know that.
• 8:14
  Speaker 1: You're super crystal clear about that, right.
• 8:16
  Speaker 1: But then you keep bumping into certain things when trying to manifest this next version of your life.
• 8:22
  Speaker 1: But so much of that is because you have been convinced.
• 8:25
  Speaker 1: You have allowed yourself Ooh see, that's why you want to cancel me.
• 8:28
  Speaker 1: You have allowed yourself to become convinced that you are less than powerful, that you are less than beautiful, that you are less than capable, that you are less than magical.
• 8:38
  Speaker 1: And how have you allowed yourself to become convinced?
• 8:42
  Speaker 1: Well, you know, we can indulge in my favorite guilty pleasure, which is pity, right, we can do that for a few minutes because, first of all, you were born into a culture that profits on you feeling that way about yourself, so you were born into that culture, okay.
• 8:56
  Speaker 1: And then you probably have parents that reinforce that culture and you probably have parents that didn't do you a whole bunch of favors about teaching you about how magical you are, about how to deal with painful things and right, like okay, that's just kind of socially how we came up right.
• 9:13
  Speaker 1: And then you probably had life experiences that reinforced those beliefs and those life experiences probably sucked, right, they were very painful and they reinforced that you're not good enough, that you're not worthy, that you're not lovable, that you can't, that you're out of control, that you can't trust people, you can't trust yourself, and right.
• 9:31
  Speaker 1: And so then each time you have a layer of experience that that reinforces the original belief that you're.
• 9:38
  Speaker 1: You were born into a world that profits off of you not believing in your personal power.
• 9:43
  Speaker 1: Okay, and so now here we are at a crossroads.
• 9:49
  Speaker 1: Now I wish producer Joy and I had been recording the prep for this episode, because it was so fire and I'm going to tell you some of the things we talked about, and it's probably not going to be as magical as the actual conversation was, but it's what I've got to give you.
• 10:04
  Speaker 1: Okay, so let's talk about profits off of you not believing in yourself.
• 10:09
  Speaker 1: Okay, so the first conversation we had was about, specifically, christianity, but I'd be so curious about how this would feel about any religion that that you practice.
• 10:21
  Speaker 1: But how?
• 10:22
  Speaker 1: As I was talking about us being co-creators, meaning owning our own power, or owning our power to create with the gifts that we have been given by God higher power, divine source, energy, whatever you call it?
• 10:37
  Speaker 1: Right that God gave us gifts that we are not fully living into because we struggle to believe that we're fully capable.
• 10:46
  Speaker 1: And when I was talking with producer Joy about this, she and I was calling us co-creators, which is a very law of attraction phrase that Esther Hicks, channeling Abraham, talks about being co-creators, right?
• 10:58
  Speaker 1: Producer Joy was like but is that biblical dawn?
• 11:02
  Speaker 1: Because, as a Christ follower, she's hesitant to see herself as the in her words.
• 11:13
  Speaker 1: I'm going to call her out right now.
• 11:15
  Speaker 1: In her words, a mini God.
• 11:16
  Speaker 1: Right, a mini God and I?
• 11:18
  Speaker 1: And that's because in in biblical terms, we are supposed to give the glory to God.
• 11:22
  Speaker 1: Yes, okay.
• 11:24
  Speaker 1: So, acknowledging her concerns there, I said okay, we are channels for source energy.
• 11:31
  Speaker 1: We're our channels for God.
• 11:33
  Speaker 1: We were designed to live fully into the gifts that he provided us, and in law of attraction, abraham would say that we are extensions of source energy.
• 11:42
  Speaker 1: Extensions of source energy, right that I have the power to create worlds inside of me, and I think that is 100% in alignment with what the Bible states, that we have God in us, god in us, right, and by having God in us, that does make us incredibly powerful.
• 12:02
  Speaker 1: Okay, and so then, producer Joy and I segwayed into well, if I have that much power in me, why do I deny it?
• 12:10
  Speaker 1: Why do I deny that much power?
• 12:12
  Speaker 1: Yes, we wanna give God the glory.
• 12:13
  Speaker 1: We want to live in alignment, because that is a joyful place to live.
• 12:18
  Speaker 1: It is the most, it is where we can tap into the most amounts of power.
• 12:23
  Speaker 1: And let's be honest, we don't want small things, right?
• 12:25
  Speaker 1: We want magical marriages, we want happy children, we want adorable figures, we want to have beautiful homes and we want to travel wonderful places and we wanna eat delicious foods.
• 12:37
  Speaker 1: We don't want small things, we want big things right, at least I think I want big things, okay.
• 12:41
  Speaker 1: So if we want big things, and we gotta use big power to get there.
• 12:44
  Speaker 1: But it is not enough to just say well, god, you said you want for me the things that I want for me.
• 12:49
  Speaker 1: Also, you said that there are promises for me to have these wonderful things right.
• 12:54
  Speaker 1: But then we have to be willing to, as Glenn and Doyle would say, do hard things to manifest them.
• 13:01
  Speaker 1: And law of attraction says it doesn't have to be hard, that it just has to be aligned that the happier we feel, that the better we feel, the faster the things come.
• 13:15
  Speaker 1: So think about that, right, because on the one hand it seems like okay to have big, magical things.
• 13:22
  Speaker 1: We have to do hard stuff, but law of attraction states that the better we feel, the faster the things come.
• 13:31
  Speaker 1: So how do we square that?
• 13:33
  Speaker 1: How do we square that that doing hard things can feel good?
• 13:40
  Speaker 1: Well, how do we get there?
• 13:43
  Speaker 1: Okay, so producer Joyce is sometimes she feels, paralyzed before it's time to go do the hard thing.
• 13:51
  Speaker 1: And I would say and then we also talked about we got into the difficulty to feel I'm worthy, I'm lovable, I'm good enough, right, okay, so we've got these two things.
• 14:04
  Speaker 1: Why do I get paralyzed when it's time to do a hard thing that's gonna get me results?
• 14:10
  Speaker 1: I say that I want.
• 14:10
  Speaker 1: And why, in many instances, do I struggle so much to feel really good about myself and my life, right?
• 14:20
  Speaker 1: And so I said, well, what would be the cost of believing really amazing things about yourself?
• 14:27
  Speaker 1: What would be the cost of that If I were to say, screw it, I am done, saying I am not worthy, I am not good enough, I am awkward?
• 14:35
  Speaker 1: If you've ever seen producer Joy do her awkward turtle, I'm gonna have her.
• 14:38
  Speaker 1: She's gotta show you one day, right?
• 14:39
  Speaker 1: She's got this awkward turtle thing she does with her hands.
• 14:41
  Speaker 1: I don't know, but it's epic, right?
• 14:43
  Speaker 1: So she feels like she embodies awkward turtle.
• 15:35
  Speaker 1: I get it.
• 15:35
  Speaker 1: I embody awkward turtle all the time.
• 15:36
  Speaker 1: I'm here for it, okay?
• 15:37
  Speaker 1: So what is the cost of giving up that version of myself?
• 15:42
  Speaker 1: And then, as she was talking, like it became revealed right, the cost, love, again, this is another cancel me moment.
• 15:48
  Speaker 1: Right, the cost of believing in yourself is acknowledging that the only reason now, at this point, the only reason you're not believing in yourself is because you have been trained to believe that you are not it and you have bought the ruse that you have been hoodwinked, that you believed the lie and that you have been living your life according to a lie for as many years as you've been alive.
• 16:15
  Speaker 1: That is the rub.
• 16:19
  Speaker 1: Let me say that again, a different way.
• 16:21
  Speaker 1: You have always been powerful, you have always been magical, you have always had the power to create worlds inside of you, and you have not believed it all along Because of all those reasons previously stated.
• 16:36
  Speaker 1: But now you are at a crossroads where you have to choose to be a victim and to continue to blame the society and the parents and the people and the events that you experienced, and to recognize your part in all of that that, in believing I am not good enough, I have continued to manifest not good enough moments, and that at this point in my life where I am hearing truth, I have a desire, whether or not to live in that truth, to see myself as a manifestor of painful events versus intentionally manifesting amazing things by owning my power.
• 17:15
  Speaker 1: And so what does all of this have to do with me being not that into divorce?
• 17:22
  Speaker 1: Well, love, if you were able to recognize that the attorney, the accountant, the co-parenting coach.
• 17:32
  Speaker 1: I'm not hating on anyone here, right?
• 17:33
  Speaker 1: I'm hating on.
• 17:34
  Speaker 1: The thing that I am rejecting is you not owning your personal power, you being divorced from your personal power and married to dependency on lawyers, accountants, co-parenting coaches, therapists, fashion industry, the beauty industry all of these industries are propped up, are profiting on you believing you are dependent on us for us to solve your pain points.
• 18:10
  Speaker 1: I do not want you to be dependent on me, love.
• 18:15
  Speaker 1: I want you to want me.
• 18:17
  Speaker 1: I don't want you to need me.
• 18:19
  Speaker 1: There is a massive difference between that, because if you need me, you don't feel powerful.
• 18:27
  Speaker 1: You feel disempowered, you feel like you can't do it.
• 18:30
  Speaker 1: You can't do it without me, and you know how many of you I have heard talk about how much you paid the attorney, how much you broke yourself to pay the attorney and then did your own advocacy.
• 18:41
  Speaker 1: How much you broke yourself to pay for X, y or Z service and then ended up realizing way down the road that you could have done it yourself all along.
• 18:53
  Speaker 1: And that is what I am here to tell you.
• 18:56
  Speaker 1: The beauty industry profits on you.
• 18:59
  Speaker 1: Believing that you need their products to be beautiful and the products that they are selling you is keeping your skin in shit condition so that then you keep believing the things that they feed you right?
• 19:10
  Speaker 1: The fashion industry has you believing that unless you have this cute outfit and PS, you don't believe that you're beautiful.
• 19:17
  Speaker 1: Without the things.
• 19:18
  Speaker 1: Right, you don't love your body as it is, and so then you need the perfect accessory in order to feel pretty, to walk into the room and right it.
• 19:26
  Speaker 1: Just that whole machine.
• 19:27
  Speaker 1: It perpetuates your disempowerment and you're feeling like you're not worthy and not good enough.
• 19:33
  Speaker 1: And I know this inside and out.
• 19:38
  Speaker 1: Recovering Sephora addict, recovering Botoxer.
• 19:41
  Speaker 1: I am super on oil based skincare and frownies.
• 19:46
  Speaker 1: Right now, right, like, pulled them off.
• 19:47
  Speaker 1: This morning I'm working on reclaiming my forehead.
• 19:50
  Speaker 1: It's such a process, right, it's such a process of self discovery.
• 19:54
  Speaker 1: And I still get my hair dyed.
• 19:57
  Speaker 1: I have been in the inquiry of like okay, why don't I just go gray?
• 20:00
  Speaker 1: Why don't I just let you see my grays?
• 20:01
  Speaker 1: Why do I still cover the gray?
• 20:03
  Speaker 1: I don't know, are these like little remnants of things that I can't fully turn over to, recognizing that I'm still caught up to a certain extent in the beauty industry, convincing me that I am part of a problem and solution that has me dependent on them?
• 20:16
  Speaker 1: Maybe, right, maybe.
• 20:19
  Speaker 1: And so I think these thoughts, I feel these feelings when I sit quietly, prayerfully, meditatively, and look back on my life and see that when I was in the lowest of low places, post-divorce, in the middle of divorce, when I was sitting there asking people, I was polling people do you believe in love?
• 20:39
  Speaker 1: Do you believe that happy, loving relationships actually exist?
• 20:43
  Speaker 1: And you know, I don't think I ever asked anybody personally that said yes.
• 20:48
  Speaker 1: Now I was attending meetings of places I was listening to to teachers say yes, of course it's powerful, these things are, these things are promised to us.
• 20:57
  Speaker 1: But when talking to people, I was surrounded by people in my personal life that didn't have the light.
• 21:05
  Speaker 1: They weren't, they weren't manifesting those things right.
• 21:09
  Speaker 1: So I think I probably even to a certain extent in blaming why didn't somebody tell me louder, why didn't somebody get in my face and tell me of course it's possible and I think that at the end of the day, when we're not ready to hear something, the message can't get through right.
• 21:27
  Speaker 1: But when I look back I can see how every problem I had at the time was because I didn't believe in my own power and worth and that I was rejoicing in blaming other people rather than saying well, shit, it might be hard for me to go get the things that I want.
• 21:52
  Speaker 1: And by hard I just mean that it feels really good to sit on my sofa and read a good book and drink a cup of coffee.
• 21:58
  Speaker 1: It feels really good to do that.
• 22:00
  Speaker 1: And it feels less good to go ride the Peloton and to be really sweaty and winded and feel a burn in my muscle, right, that feels less good.
• 22:09
  Speaker 1: But at the end of the day, when I sit and I say, well, what are the consequences of, first of all, why do I ride the Peloton?
• 22:18
  Speaker 1: Right, why do I ride the Peloton?
• 22:20
  Speaker 1: Well, I ride the Peloton because I want to look a certain way, I want to have access to certain physical power and capability, I want to be able to climb mountains until I'm 80, right, those are the things I want.
• 22:32
  Speaker 1: And what are the consequences of sitting on the sofa and not riding the Peloton?
• 22:36
  Speaker 1: Well, it means I'm trading my this moment for something that my future self wants.
• 22:42
  Speaker 1: And so then, what are my choices?
• 22:44
  Speaker 1: Well, I don't put running shoes on and go run, because I usually really don't like that.
• 22:50
  Speaker 1: If you love that, great, that's your thing, then go do it, but I will clip into the bike and find a ride that has my most favorite music.
• 23:01
  Speaker 1: That feels super motivating.
• 23:02
  Speaker 1: So while I'm on the bike, I'm singing the music and I'm feeling myself right.
• 23:05
  Speaker 1: And when Cody Rigsby I love you boo gets up there and he shakes his boobies and he talks about nipples, right, and makes me laugh that I am on there, still managing to feel joy even while I'm sweating and my heart is racing and my muscles are burning and so love.
• 23:24
  Speaker 1: Owning your power is probably going to mean doing it differently than the woman to your left and the woman to your right, because you have the power to create worlds inside of you and you were not created to do it the way the woman to your left and the woman to your right is doing it.
• 23:39
  Speaker 1: When I come to you and say I'm not actually that interested in divorce, I'm interested in you divorcing disempowerment and marrying complete belief in yourself.
• 23:51
  Speaker 1: That's what I'm interested in.
• 23:53
  Speaker 1: I do this different.
• 23:54
  Speaker 1: I need to own that.
• 23:55
  Speaker 1: I need to like march under a flag that says it, because that is where we love life and feel good.
• 24:05
  Speaker 1: Doing it right when I try to dull my own shine, to try to fit in with what other people in this space are doing, then I feel resentment, then I feel like I'm not on fire and then I'm not serving you to the greatest of my ability, right?
• 24:20
  Speaker 1: So, love, if you are looking around your life right now and saying it does not look the way I want it to, this is the moment for you to own that you created that.
• 24:33
  Speaker 1: You created it by not believing in your personal power all these years.
• 24:36
  Speaker 1: And now you get to choose.
• 24:38
  Speaker 1: You get to freaking, choose.
• 24:40
  Speaker 1: What a time to be alive that we get to choose and we get to have conversations about owning our power.
• 24:45
  Speaker 1: And is it fully received socially?
• 24:49
  Speaker 1: Yet no.
• 24:50
  Speaker 1: So many women came before us struggling, you know, like gosh, it is hard for me to think about the Rosa Parkes of the world, right, the people who did the hardest of things and got 100% persecuted for it.
• 25:05
  Speaker 1: There have been so many women that have fallen before us, have been brutally persecuted for a cause for us to live in, this now moment.
• 25:16
  Speaker 1: And we do not get to just sit here and say it's hard to not get Botox, because then I don't feel pretty.
• 25:23
  Speaker 1: It's not about Botox, right, but it's about no longer living in a loop of buying a product to cover a problem that I don't actually have.
• 25:34
  Speaker 1: That is not owning your power, love.
• 25:38
  Speaker 1: And you can't fully step into your power unless you really take a good long look at how you're contributing to disempowering yourself.
• 25:47
  Speaker 1: I love you so much and I hope you can hear this as me saying you've got this when you're done sticking needles in your Don Voodoo doll.
• 25:59
  Speaker 1: I want to do this with you.
• 26:02
  Speaker 1: I don't want you to need me.
• 26:03
  Speaker 1: I want you to want me as badly as I want you.
• 26:06
  Speaker 1: Right, and that's a difficult transition, because when we feel needed and when we feel like we need people, we think that that's security, but it's not.
• 26:17
  Speaker 1: It's not love.
• 26:18
  Speaker 1: So hang in there.
• 26:21
  Speaker 1: Hang in the conversation.
• 26:22
  Speaker 1: Let's keep having the conversation and let's keep moving in the direction of our goals and our future selves in a way that gets us the results that we long for.
• 26:34
  Speaker 1: I know you can do this.
• 26:36
  Speaker 1: Will you do it?
• 26:38
  Speaker 1: I'll see you in the next video.
• 26:47
  Speaker 1: Thanks, dear.
• 26:48
  Speaker 1: Divorce Diary is a podcast by MyCoachDawn.
• 26:51
  Speaker 1: You can find more at MyCoachDawncom.