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What’s the Difference Between Interdependency vs. Codependency? · RiseUp - Live Joy Your Way

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_01: Today's episode is produced by my friends at Walk West.
• 0:03
  SPEAKER_01: If you're looking to grow your brand and generate leads through podcast or video production, head over to walkwest.com.
• 0:10
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, let's start the show.
• 0:14
  SPEAKER_00: Rise up, live joy your way.
• 0:19
  SPEAKER_00: From emotional intelligence through cognitive distortions, certified life and wellness coach Comedy Wood is on a mission to help people see the magnificence of their own unique human spirit.
• 0:30
  SPEAKER_00: Through these small bites of self-visualization and self-confidence, you can have healthy relationships, success in business and career, and live the life you want to live.
• 0:40
  SPEAKER_00: Rise up, live joy your way.
• 0:50
  SPEAKER_01: Whatever time it is that you've chosen to tune in to this episode of Rise Up, Live Joy Your Way.
• 0:55
  SPEAKER_01: I just want to say thank you.
• 0:57
  SPEAKER_01: Thank you for taking these moments out of your day to spend with me.
• 1:02
  SPEAKER_01: Lately, I've had a lot of conversations with my clients around relationships.
• 1:08
  SPEAKER_01: And a topic has really come up more often than not over the last, I would say the last couple of months, and it's this concept of interdependency versus codependency.
• 1:20
  SPEAKER_01: So as human beings, we have an innate need for social connection and um and community.
• 1:28
  SPEAKER_01: Positive social connections really truly decrease stress.
• 1:33
  SPEAKER_01: Uh they positive social connections can increase our happiness, can help contribute to optimism and a more optimistic outlook.
• 1:41
  SPEAKER_01: And can help just uh help have they it they help us gain a sense of support and allow us to be vulnerable in times of stress because we feel as though we we do have that support system, that ability to lean on one another and can actually help contribute to our sense of purpose.
• 2:01
  SPEAKER_01: So when we think about um healthy relationships, having these healthy uh intimate relationships, I'm not talking about physical intimacy, emotional intimacy with people.
• 2:13
  SPEAKER_01: So not just romantically, but also socially and familially, when we have those healthy relationships, it can contribute to just leading a longer life, or at least that's what the research suggests.
• 2:26
  SPEAKER_01: Now, if you take this and you look at specifically romantic relationships, those that are founded on love, respect, and equality are the ones that we would deem uh more healthy.
• 2:36
  SPEAKER_01: However, we do know that functional and rewarding relationships do require effort and commitment from both individuals.
• 2:42
  SPEAKER_01: When we think about relationships, it is really two people doing a dance with each other.
• 2:47
  SPEAKER_01: Each one is responsible for certain dance steps that they're that they're taking.
• 2:52
  SPEAKER_01: So in return, when relationships allow us to feel safe and protected, we we feel um we feel safe.
• 3:01
  SPEAKER_01: And the alternative, of course, is that when we don't have that, we end up experiencing distress.
• 3:09
  SPEAKER_01: So healthy relationships allow for growth and vulnerability and safety.
• 3:14
  SPEAKER_01: As adults, we generally will seek an emotional attachment to our partners, right?
• 3:19
  SPEAKER_01: So we've got some type of attachment that we're seeking from them.
• 3:22
  SPEAKER_01: I will routinely say that it is so important that we really identify and really work on that relationship with self because if we enter into a relationship with somebody else, looking for them to complete us, looking for them to fill those holes, that's when we start setting up the groundwork for codependency.
• 3:43
  SPEAKER_01: Because deep emotional binds uh do provide that security and do provide protection.
• 3:49
  SPEAKER_01: However, we can't, it's it's about allowing ourselves to create the space to still be our own person within the relationship.
• 3:57
  SPEAKER_01: So we need to be able to still experience the ability to grow and to develop as our own independent human being, even when we are in relationship with others.
• 4:08
  SPEAKER_01: The ability to do this allows ourselves to still have that our own identity versus just completely identifying with the other person.
• 4:18
  SPEAKER_01: So differentiation does involve the ability to stay in our own identity and also being connected with other people.
• 4:25
  SPEAKER_01: Uh that's really what we're talking about when we're talking about interdependent relationships.
• 4:30
  SPEAKER_01: So in an interdependent relationship, it's when two people are completely themselves and also they are able to connect with each other.
• 4:39
  SPEAKER_01: Um, partners that are interdependent have those strong individual individuality and also that strong bond of us.
• 4:48
  SPEAKER_01: The analogy or the the um picture that I usually give to people is almost as if they can can they can conceptualize each individual person as their own circle.
• 4:59
  SPEAKER_01: And when they're in this interdependent relationship, the circles do have an overlapping part, which is referred to as the us, but you can still see each person as an independent being.
• 5:11
  SPEAKER_01: In society, a lot of times we do value individuality and independence.
• 5:16
  SPEAKER_01: Um, and vulnerability is often seen as a sign of weakness.
• 5:21
  SPEAKER_01: So when we expose our deepest emotions and thoughts to others, it does show a form of readiness to try to connect with them and to engage in relationships.
• 5:32
  SPEAKER_01: It sometimes, though, what happens is when we do get vulnerable with somebody else and we're looking for them to fix things or to um fill holes, it can lead to that concept of codependency.
• 5:46
  SPEAKER_01: So a positive interdependent relationship does mean openness.
• 5:50
  SPEAKER_01: It does mean that each partner feels safe and protected, it does mean that there is a sense of us and um that community with that other person, and it also means each person still has their own independent identity as well.
• 6:07
  SPEAKER_01: So it's just really important to understand the difference between, you know, these two concepts of interdependent and codependent, because the difference really well, let me back up for a second.
• 6:20
  SPEAKER_01: The the difference between interdependence and independence.
• 6:23
  SPEAKER_01: Independent individuals are those that are completely focused on themselves and their own strengths.
• 6:28
  SPEAKER_01: Uh they prefer they prefer to just follow their own feelings and thoughts instead of engaging with the other person.
• 6:35
  SPEAKER_01: People who are heavily focused on their independence may struggle with the ability to enter into an interdependent relationship because they are so focused on doing things on their own, and it's really hard for them perhaps to get vulnerable with somebody else and to seek support from somebody else.
• 6:52
  SPEAKER_01: So when we're thinking about the difference between independent and interdependent, that's the that would be the a differentiating factor where in interdependence there is the ability to get vulnerable, there is the the ability to seek support from the other person.
• 7:08
  SPEAKER_01: So we can create and promote um interdependence by you know being authentic, allowing ourselves to get vulnerable, not being afraid of really voicing what it is that we need, appreciating our independence and authenticity, saying no when it's necessary, engaging in hobbies that are positive to the relationship, and truthfully avoiding people pleasing.
• 7:36
  SPEAKER_01: Now, when we're talking about codependency, that's when we rely on the other person for the sense of self and the sense of happiness.
• 7:45
  SPEAKER_01: Either we're relying on them for our happiness or we're we feel responsible for their happiness.
• 7:50
  SPEAKER_01: It can go either or.
• 7:51
  SPEAKER_01: A lot of times with codependency, what we'll really, if we were really to unpack it, we would recognize that there's um uh there there are there is a lack of boundaries.
• 8:01
  SPEAKER_01: So codependency is really that destructive behavior that often is present in toxic relationships or at least in unhealthy relationships, because there is no sense, there is no sense of clear boundaries, there's not great communication patterns, um, and oftentimes we can start to see that what happens is each person ends up losing their own identity.
• 8:22
  SPEAKER_01: So when we're talking about codependency and interdependency, codependent relationships tend to be uh more unhealthy, they tend to lead to a diminished sense of self.
• 8:34
  SPEAKER_01: Uh they tend to be one-sided, where one person might find themselves over-functioning while the other person might end up being underfunctioning.
• 8:43
  SPEAKER_01: And the one person who's over-functioning almost starts to take on this thought process, it becomes normalized that they have to do that because otherwise everything would fall apart.
• 8:51
  SPEAKER_01: The wheels would come off of the bus, so to speak, the relationship would fall apart, or that they need to over-function in order to be um to be good enough or to be to be worthwhile to be in the relationship with.
• 9:04
  SPEAKER_01: So interdependence really interdependent relationships is are really more of that balance between both people.
• 9:10
  SPEAKER_01: There isn't one overfunctioning and one underfunctioning.
• 9:14
  SPEAKER_01: It's just really highlighting this idea that relationships in general are extraordinarily complex.
• 9:20
  SPEAKER_01: And it's about understanding how each individual, for you yourself, how are you showing up in the relationship, what are your patterns, taking responsibility and ownership for that, and making shifts when necessary for yourself.
• 9:33
  SPEAKER_01: One of the very important things that we will talk more about in the future is boundaries, because a lot of times we have to come to terms with the idea that boundaries are not selfish, that, you know, yes, there can be rigid boundaries, there can be porous boundaries, and then there can be healthy boundaries.
• 9:50
  SPEAKER_01: And it's not about being so rigid that we don't let people in.
• 9:54
  SPEAKER_01: It's not about being so porous that we overfunction for other people.
• 9:57
  SPEAKER_01: It's about where is that healthy boundary, and it's different for different people.
• 10:01
  SPEAKER_01: If you would like support in something you might be facing in a relationship that you have, or just want to talk about how to get more clarity on what it is that you want, how to generate the life that you want, feel free to reach out at any time.
• 10:15
  SPEAKER_01: Book a time to talk with me at chatwithcomedy.com.
• 10:19
  SPEAKER_01: And until next time, stay well.
• 10:24
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you for listening to Rise Up, Live Joy Your Way.
• 10:27
  SPEAKER_00: For more information, book a chat with comedy at www.chhatwithcomedy.com.
• 10:33
  SPEAKER_00: Or visit her website at www.comedywood.com.
• 10:38
  SPEAKER_00: You can also find comedy on Facebook or Instagram.
• 10:41
  SPEAKER_00: Username it's authentic me.
• 10:44
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you for listening.