Latest / Becoming Irresistible / Season 2, Episode 20. Limiting Beliefs: How to Identify, Prevent and Address them in Your Kids.

Transcript

Season 2, Episode 20. Limiting Beliefs: How to Identify, Prevent and Address them in Your Kids. · Becoming Irresistible

0:14
SPEAKER_00: Welcome back to Becoming Irresistible.
0:16
SPEAKER_00: I'm your host Jay, a high achievement lifestyle strategist and irresistibility expert.
0:23
SPEAKER_00: Not too long ago, my son asked me if he could order a dessert on Uber Eats.
0:29
SPEAKER_00: I said yes.
0:30
SPEAKER_00: It was a treat.
0:32
SPEAKER_00: So I didn't really pay attention to what he ordered.
0:35
SPEAKER_00: And then afterward, I looked at the receipt.
0:38
SPEAKER_00: I was quite surprised to see that he had spent thirty dollars on one single ice cream.
0:44
SPEAKER_00: Now at the time of this podcast, an ice cream, a whole carton of ice cream at the grocery store cost four dollars and fifty cents if it's a decent ice cream.
0:56
SPEAKER_00: It can go up to six dollars, but even a fancy, expensive brand ice cream at a boutique ice cream shop wouldn't cost more than$15.
1:10
SPEAKER_00: So when I saw thirty dollars, I was thinking, this must be some extraordinary ice cream.
1:17
SPEAKER_00: Does it have gold flakes on it?
1:19
SPEAKER_00: Was it made for the Queen of England?
1:22
SPEAKER_00: No, it was just regular ice cream.
1:25
SPEAKER_00: In fact, it only had one of those toppings on it.
1:29
SPEAKER_00: I thought maybe he had ordered twenty different toppings and that's why it was so expensive.
1:35
SPEAKER_00: No, it was one single topping.
1:38
SPEAKER_00: But with the delivery fees and the tip and everything else, all the extra charges, it came out to over thirty dollars.
1:47
SPEAKER_00: And of course my immediate thought was you really spent thirty dollars on one ice cream?
1:54
SPEAKER_00: Because I want my son to understand the value of money.
1:57
SPEAKER_00: I don't want him to grow up believing that just because you have the money to buy something, you shouldn't care about what it costs.
2:04
SPEAKER_00: But I also caught myself thinking about the message I wanted to give him.
2:09
SPEAKER_00: Because I didn't want to say we can't afford a thirty dollar ice cream.
2:15
SPEAKER_00: We're too poor, or that you don't deserve to order a thirty dollar ice cream if that's what you want.
2:22
SPEAKER_00: We technically could afford it.
2:25
SPEAKER_00: That wasn't the problem.
2:26
SPEAKER_00: The problem is that an ordinary ice cream doesn't hold the value of thirty dollars at this date and time.
2:32
SPEAKER_00: I wanted to teach him discernment without teaching him scarcity.
2:37
SPEAKER_00: I wanted him to understand that you should think about what something is worth and make intelligent choices with your money.
2:43
SPEAKER_00: But I didn't want him developing this underlying belief that expensive things aren't for us, aren't for him in particular, or that there are things in the world that other people can have, but that he couldn't.
2:57
SPEAKER_00: And it got me thinking about how often we do this as parents.
3:00
SPEAKER_00: We're trying to teach one lesson, but if we're not careful, our children walk away with another one entirely.
3:07
SPEAKER_00: And we think we're teaching caution, but what they learn is fear.
3:11
SPEAKER_00: We think we're teaching responsibility, but instead they learn that mistakes are dangerous and they should avoid them at all costs.
3:20
SPEAKER_00: We think that we're helping them understand their strengths and weaknesses.
3:24
SPEAKER_00: Instead, what they learn is, I'm not good at that.
3:27
SPEAKER_00: Sometimes we're just trying to protect them from disappointment when what they actually hear is, my parents don't think I can do this.
3:35
SPEAKER_00: And that's what I want to talk about today.
3:37
SPEAKER_00: How do we give our children a realistic understanding of the world without accidentally giving them beliefs that limit what they think is possible for themselves?
3:47
SPEAKER_00: Because our job isn't to convince our kids that there are no limits.
3:51
SPEAKER_00: It's to make sure that we're not creating limits that weren't even there to begin with.
3:56
SPEAKER_00: Let's start by evaluating the huge difference between saying you're struggling with algebra and you're just not a math person.
4:07
SPEAKER_00: One describes something that is happening, but the other describes the person.
4:12
SPEAKER_00: And as parents, we need to become very careful about that distinction because interests change, their abilities change, their brains develop, they meet different teachers, they discover different ways of learning.
4:26
SPEAKER_00: Something that's difficult at 10 may not be difficult at 15.
4:32
SPEAKER_00: As an example, I always believed that I wasn't very good at languages.
4:37
SPEAKER_00: But on my last trip out of the country, I accidentally became the interpreter for the entire group of people I was with.
4:45
SPEAKER_00: How did that happen?
4:47
SPEAKER_00: Not because I had decided I was going to be good at languages, but because I decided I wasn't.
4:54
SPEAKER_00: And I decided to learn just one word a day or one phrase a day whenever I was talking to someone in that language.
5:02
SPEAKER_00: And after doing that for 10 to 15 years, my language skills in that particular language weren't half bad.
5:11
SPEAKER_00: Now, I won't say that I'm fluent in that language, but suddenly when I was interpreting for a whole group of people, my thought about my identity as a person who was bad at languages suddenly shifted.
5:22
SPEAKER_00: Maybe I wasn't so bad.
5:25
SPEAKER_00: And it only took me 20 years to change that belief about myself.
5:31
SPEAKER_00: So something that a kid might be terrible at when they're 15 might be something that they're really good at when they're 25.
5:38
SPEAKER_00: But if they already decide at 10 that they're not a math person, they may stop trying or gathering evidence to the contrary.
5:47
SPEAKER_00: They won't take that harder class.
5:49
SPEAKER_00: They won't apply for the program.
5:51
SPEAKER_00: They don't even consider the career.
5:54
SPEAKER_00: And years later, they're making decisions based on a conclusion that somebody may have casually made about them when they were in the fifth grade.
6:02
SPEAKER_00: And that's why one of the rules I try to think about is describe the problem without defining the person.
6:10
SPEAKER_00: The problem you can do something about, but if you define a person's identity, there's nothing they can do about that.
6:17
SPEAKER_00: So when you're thinking about what to say, think about if I say this statement, am I confining them to one outcome?
6:27
SPEAKER_00: Or am I addressing the situation, the problem, the behavior?
6:34
SPEAKER_00: If your child is disorganized, you can address the disorganization.
6:38
SPEAKER_00: If your child is struggling academically, you can actually address the academic problem.
6:44
SPEAKER_00: If your child is having trouble making friends, you can help them to develop social skills.
6:49
SPEAKER_00: But be careful about turning the thing that they're struggling with into the person they are.
6:57
SPEAKER_00: So here's the simple filter you can use.
7:00
SPEAKER_00: When you're about to make a statement about your child, ask yourself, is this a fact?
7:05
SPEAKER_00: A current condition?
7:07
SPEAKER_00: A prediction or an identity?
7:09
SPEAKER_00: Let's say your child fails algebra.
7:12
SPEAKER_00: The statement they failed algebra, that's a fact.
7:17
SPEAKER_00: The statement they're struggling with algebra right now, that's a current condition.
7:22
SPEAKER_00: The statement they're probably never going to be good at math, that's a prediction.
7:28
SPEAKER_00: And the statement they're not a math person, well, that's an identity.
7:32
SPEAKER_00: And look how quickly and how easily we can move between one and the other.
7:38
SPEAKER_00: Something happened, we interpreted what happened, then we predicted what would happen, and finally we turned that prediction into an identity.
7:46
SPEAKER_00: The first two may be completely accurate, the last two are where I think we need to be careful and be very sparing about when to make those statements.
7:56
SPEAKER_00: Because we don't actually know.
7:59
SPEAKER_00: In fact, some of the biggest success stories I often notice are people who started out being very bad at something.
8:08
SPEAKER_00: Take, for example, Jim Quick, who teaches how to be a super reader.
8:14
SPEAKER_00: In the beginning of his story, he always says how he was terrible at reading.
8:19
SPEAKER_00: If he was confined to that identity for the rest of his life, he would never be teaching so many people around the world how to become better readers.
8:28
SPEAKER_00: I think there's also another place where we accidentally create these beliefs, and that's when we're trying to explain why something happened.
8:35
SPEAKER_00: Suppose your child doesn't make the sports team.
8:39
SPEAKER_00: If you ask why, maybe you're gonna say, Well, you've never really been athletic.
8:44
SPEAKER_00: Or maybe they don't get invited somewhere, and you say, you're just more introverted.
8:51
SPEAKER_00: If they struggle with a subject, you say math isn't really your strength.
8:57
SPEAKER_00: Or later on, they don't get an internship and you comment that you're just not very good at interviews.
9:05
SPEAKER_00: We're trying our best as parents to help them make sense of something, but sometimes we're giving an explanation when we don't actually know the explanation.
9:13
SPEAKER_00: Maybe the interview didn't go well.
9:16
SPEAKER_00: Maybe somebody else had just a lot more experience.
9:20
SPEAKER_00: Maybe they were nervous.
9:22
SPEAKER_00: Maybe they need to improve a particular communication skill.
9:26
SPEAKER_00: Maybe there were 50 qualified applicants and just five positions.
9:30
SPEAKER_00: We don't always know.
9:32
SPEAKER_00: And I think sometimes there's value in just saying, I don't know.
9:36
SPEAKER_00: Let's figure out what happened, or let's try to figure out the top reasons why this didn't go the way you wanted it to.
9:44
SPEAKER_00: Because once we give a child an explanation, that explanation can become the story that they carry forward.
9:51
SPEAKER_00: In some way, you should feel flattered that your child will believe everything that you tell them.
9:55
SPEAKER_00: In the other way, we have to be really careful as parents to not let that story follow them throughout their life if we're not sure that it's actually true.
10:07
SPEAKER_00: And if the explanation is about who they are rather than what actually happened, let's not turn that into an identity they carry with them forever.
10:18
SPEAKER_00: Sometimes the actual limiting belief is our own fear.
10:22
SPEAKER_00: And I think this is one of the hardest ones for parents to recognize.
10:26
SPEAKER_00: Sometimes we're not really assessing our child's capabilities.
10:30
SPEAKER_00: We're assessing our own tolerance for risk.
10:34
SPEAKER_00: If your child says, I want to start a company, and you immediately think, that's risky.
10:40
SPEAKER_00: Or if they say, I want to be an actor, and your immediate response is, How are you going to make a living?
10:46
SPEAKER_00: Or if they say, I want to move across the country, and you say, How are you going to make it on your own?
10:52
SPEAKER_00: What if something happens?
10:54
SPEAKER_00: Or one of the worst ones my clients fear, I don't think I want to go to college.
11:00
SPEAKER_00: And your question is, what are you going to do with your life?
11:04
SPEAKER_00: Now, some of those are perfectly legitimate questions.
11:07
SPEAKER_00: Our job as parents is not to pretend that risk doesn't exist.
11:12
SPEAKER_00: If your child wants to pursue a career with a very low probability of financial success, then they should understand that.
11:21
SPEAKER_00: And if they're making a decision with significant financial consequences, they should understand those consequences.
11:28
SPEAKER_00: That's not giving them a limiting belief, that's giving them information.
11:32
SPEAKER_00: The problem comes when we confuse this might be difficult with you probably can't do it.
11:39
SPEAKER_00: That's not saying the same thing.
11:41
SPEAKER_00: And sometimes what we're really saying is, I would be afraid to do that.
11:47
SPEAKER_00: Meaning you as a parent would be afraid to do what they're proposing.
11:50
SPEAKER_00: But the child hears, you don't think I'm capable of doing that.
11:55
SPEAKER_00: So it's important to make that distinction.
11:57
SPEAKER_00: Now, let's say your child tries out for a team and doesn't make it.
12:00
SPEAKER_00: What does that actually mean?
12:02
SPEAKER_00: At the most basic level, it means that they didn't make that team at that tryout.
12:06
SPEAKER_00: That's all.
12:07
SPEAKER_00: Maybe they weren't good enough.
12:09
SPEAKER_00: Maybe everyone else was better.
12:11
SPEAKER_00: Maybe they didn't prepare enough.
12:13
SPEAKER_00: Maybe they were nervous.
12:14
SPEAKER_00: Maybe that particular coach was looking for something different.
12:18
SPEAKER_00: There might be a lesson in this, but parents sometimes rush to create a larger meaning.
12:22
SPEAKER_00: Maybe sports just aren't your thing.
12:25
SPEAKER_00: Maybe you're not competitive.
12:27
SPEAKER_00: Maybe this isn't where your strengths are.
12:30
SPEAKER_00: And perhaps those things are true.
12:32
SPEAKER_00: But why do we need to decide that after just one data point?
12:36
SPEAKER_00: And this happens academically too.
12:39
SPEAKER_00: A child takes an advanced class, struggles, and suddenly everyone decides that the child isn't capable of advanced work.
12:45
SPEAKER_00: In fact, there's a very famous experiment that I want to bring up.
12:52
SPEAKER_00: Now, this was done a long time ago, and it's called the Pygmalion Experiment, which was done in 1968.
12:59
SPEAKER_00: The researchers gave an IQ test to elementary school students and then gave the teachers a list of names, saying that these specific children were intellectual bloomers or children with high IQs that were about to make massive academic moves.
13:17
SPEAKER_00: But of course, there's a twist.
13:19
SPEAKER_00: And the twist was that the test itself was entirely false.
13:24
SPEAKER_00: The students on the list were chosen completely at random by researchers, meaning that they had no higher intelligence over anyone else.
13:33
SPEAKER_00: But the results at the end of the school year showed that the labeled gifted students showed significantly greater increases in scores compared to the control groups.
13:44
SPEAKER_00: And what they found was that because the teachers believed in these labels, they subconsciously changed how they treated these children.
13:53
SPEAKER_00: They gave the gifted kids more attention, more feedback, harder questions, more patience, which gave them more room to excel.
14:04
SPEAKER_00: So in fact, this doesn't just apply to children, it applies to the people around them as well.
14:13
SPEAKER_00: If a child takes an advanced class and struggles, suddenly everyone decides that that child isn't capable of advanced work.
14:20
SPEAKER_00: Or they give a presentation and they freeze, and now they're suddenly not a public speaker.
14:26
SPEAKER_00: Or they have an awkward social interaction and suddenly they're considered to be shy.
14:32
SPEAKER_00: Well, sometimes the children just need enough room to be bad at something before they become good at it.
14:37
SPEAKER_00: If we define them too quickly, they may never give themselves that room.
14:43
SPEAKER_00: Now let's talk about when limiting beliefs actually sound like compliments.
14:47
SPEAKER_00: And this is especially important with high achieving kids, because limiting beliefs aren't always negative.
14:52
SPEAKER_00: Sometimes they sound really wonderful.
14:55
SPEAKER_00: Oh, you're so smart.
14:56
SPEAKER_00: You're our successful one.
14:58
SPEAKER_00: You always get straight A's.
15:00
SPEAKER_00: You never quit.
15:01
SPEAKER_00: You're the one that's going to be a doctor.
15:04
SPEAKER_00: You're the responsible one.
15:06
SPEAKER_00: None of those things sound bad.
15:07
SPEAKER_00: In fact, they sound like wonderful compliments.
15:10
SPEAKER_00: And some of them may have been said with tremendous pride and were intended to praise someone.
15:16
SPEAKER_00: But think about what happens when a child builds an identity around them.
15:21
SPEAKER_00: If I'm the smart one, what happens when something is hard for me?
15:26
SPEAKER_00: If I'm a straight A student, what does a B mean?
15:28
SPEAKER_00: If I'm the responsible one, can I fall apart?
15:32
SPEAKER_00: If I'm the one who never quits, can I walk away from something that is no longer right for me?
15:38
SPEAKER_00: And this happened to my son as well.
15:40
SPEAKER_00: There was an activity that he was involved with where he was not being integrated into that group as much as he should have been.
15:49
SPEAKER_00: And when it came time to make a decision about continuing, he said, I just don't want to be a quitter.
15:55
SPEAKER_00: And I told him, look, putting your energy and time into something that gives you more value is not quitting.
16:03
SPEAKER_00: If you're not finding the value, if you're not finding a path that you believe is going to lead you to the results you're looking for, then there's no shame in letting go of that activity to put your energy and time and focus on something else that will.
16:21
SPEAKER_00: But his identity was really important there.
16:25
SPEAKER_00: He didn't want to be labeled as a quitter.
16:27
SPEAKER_00: If everyone has been telling someone since they were eight years old that they were going to be a doctor, what happens when they're 19 and they realize they don't actually want to be one?
16:36
SPEAKER_00: Sometimes the hardest limiting beliefs to recognize are the ones that begin as compliments.
16:42
SPEAKER_00: Because children don't want to disappoint us as their parents, as their elders.
16:48
SPEAKER_00: So they start protecting that identity instead of exploring what am I actually interested in?
16:52
SPEAKER_00: What am I capable of?
16:54
SPEAKER_00: What kind of life do I want?
16:55
SPEAKER_00: They start asking, how can I continue being the person that everybody thinks I am, that I'm supposed to be?
17:02
SPEAKER_00: Of course, the decisions that will come from those two different sets of questions will lead to very different outcomes.
17:11
SPEAKER_00: We also need to remember that beliefs aren't only transmitted through words.
17:15
SPEAKER_00: Sometimes we communicate a limiting belief through what we do for our children.
17:20
SPEAKER_00: Imagine if your teenager has a problem with the teacher and you immediately email the teacher, you step in.
17:27
SPEAKER_00: Sometimes intervention is appropriate, and there are situations where a parent absolutely should get involved.
17:32
SPEAKER_00: But if we continually try to rescue our children from the things they're actually capable of handling themselves, what are we communicating?
17:39
SPEAKER_00: Well, possibly what we're communicating is you can't handle this.
17:43
SPEAKER_00: You need me to fix this for you.
17:45
SPEAKER_00: Other people are just too difficult for you.
17:48
SPEAKER_00: You're not ready.
17:50
SPEAKER_00: And another problem, sometimes our response can actually reinforce that belief.
17:55
SPEAKER_00: Your child says, I'm too shy to order for myself.
17:58
SPEAKER_00: So you do it for them.
18:00
SPEAKER_00: They say I'm terrible at talking to adults.
18:02
SPEAKER_00: So instead you make the phone call.
18:04
SPEAKER_00: Every time the child says I can't because the situation is uncomfortable, and you step in, making that situation disappear.
18:14
SPEAKER_00: Well, without anyone intending it, the belief gets reinforced.
18:19
SPEAKER_00: That doesn't mean throw children to situations they're genuinely not ready to handle.
18:23
SPEAKER_00: Sometimes they do need help.
18:25
SPEAKER_00: But help can sound like, hey, let's figure out what you're gonna say.
18:28
SPEAKER_00: Let's practice it.
18:30
SPEAKER_00: Or I'll be here if you need me.
18:32
SPEAKER_00: And then you can do it.
18:34
SPEAKER_00: And sometimes allowing a children to handle something isn't withholding help.
18:38
SPEAKER_00: It's communicating, I believe that you can figure this out.
18:41
SPEAKER_00: And if you can't, and if you've tried everything, I'm here to help you and to support you and to be in your corner.
18:49
SPEAKER_00: And those are very different messages.
18:52
SPEAKER_00: Now, another place that children learn limiting beliefs are from families.
18:57
SPEAKER_00: Sometimes families have stories.
18:59
SPEAKER_00: Sometimes they're almost jokes.
19:01
SPEAKER_00: Like nobody in this family can sing.
19:03
SPEAKER_00: Oh goodness, we're all terrible with directions.
19:07
SPEAKER_00: Or we've never been good with money.
19:09
SPEAKER_00: And because these statements are repeated casually, we don't necessarily recognize them as beliefs.
19:15
SPEAKER_00: But a child can absorb them as rules.
19:18
SPEAKER_00: This is what people like us are like.
19:21
SPEAKER_00: Or, you know, I shouldn't try for that because this isn't for my family.
19:28
SPEAKER_00: And that's especially powerful because we have a strong need to belong.
19:34
SPEAKER_00: And if being part of your family means being a certain kind of person, doing something different can almost be like separating yourself from the group.
19:41
SPEAKER_00: The same thing can happen with money.
19:44
SPEAKER_00: We can't afford things like that.
19:46
SPEAKER_00: Or rich people are greedy.
19:48
SPEAKER_00: Or you have to work yourself to death to make money.
19:51
SPEAKER_00: Or people like us don't get opportunities like that.
19:55
SPEAKER_00: Some of these beliefs may have come from real experiences, but an experience is not necessarily a universal law.
20:02
SPEAKER_00: If we're not careful, our children inherit those conclusions along with our experiences.
20:08
SPEAKER_00: So this brings me back to that$30 ice cream.
20:12
SPEAKER_00: I don't think the answer to limiting beliefs is pretending that limitations don't exist.
20:16
SPEAKER_00: I wasn't going to tell my son, spend whatever you want.
20:19
SPEAKER_00: Money doesn't matter.
20:20
SPEAKER_00: It does.
20:22
SPEAKER_00: $30 is$30.
20:24
SPEAKER_00: What I wanted him to understand was why I objected.
20:27
SPEAKER_00: Not we can't have things that cost thirty dollars.
20:31
SPEAKER_00: But I wanted him to ask himself, what are you getting for your$30?
20:36
SPEAKER_00: And so what I did was explain to him how we had just spent$25 at another very high-end brand name company and all of the things that we got for the value of that$25.
20:50
SPEAKER_00: And I wanted him to ask himself, was the$30 that you spent on this ice cream was it worth it?
20:57
SPEAKER_00: Were you really getting the value for your money?
20:59
SPEAKER_00: Would you make the same decision if you had to hand somebody$30 in cash instead of clicking a button on the app?
21:08
SPEAKER_00: Could you essentially have gotten the same thing for$10 and have$20 left for something else?
21:14
SPEAKER_00: That's discernment.
21:15
SPEAKER_00: And I think we can do the same thing in other areas of our children's life.
21:18
SPEAKER_00: If your children wants to pursue something extraordinarily competitive, you can tell them the odds are going to be difficult.
21:25
SPEAKER_00: You can say you're going to need a lot of training and you don't have the skill yet.
21:30
SPEAKER_00: If they didn't make the team, you can say you didn't get selected this time.
21:35
SPEAKER_00: Those statements acknowledge reality, but none of them says this is who you are or that this isn't for you, that you can't go any further than this.
21:44
SPEAKER_00: Avoiding limiting beliefs doesn't mean avoiding reality.
21:48
SPEAKER_00: It means being careful about what the limit means.
21:53
SPEAKER_00: So that brings me to another question.
21:55
SPEAKER_00: How do you know what limiting beliefs your child already has?
21:58
SPEAKER_00: Because they're probably not going to walk.
22:00
SPEAKER_00: Into your kitchen and announce, Mom, I've identified a subconscious belief that's restricting my behavior.
22:06
SPEAKER_00: Usually you're gonna have to listen for it.
22:09
SPEAKER_00: And one of the easiest places to hear it is in the language they use when they explain why they can't or won't do something.
22:16
SPEAKER_00: Listen for statements that begin with.
22:19
SPEAKER_00: I'm just I'm not I've never been.
22:23
SPEAKER_00: People like me don't I'm the kind of person who I could never or I'm always or I'm just bad at math.
22:34
SPEAKER_00: I'm not a leader.
22:36
SPEAKER_00: I've never been good with people.
22:38
SPEAKER_00: I'm always awkward.
22:40
SPEAKER_00: I'm not attractive enough for that.
22:42
SPEAKER_00: I could never get into that school.
22:45
SPEAKER_00: The one thing I learned in my life is when people say always or never, that's usually not a realistic belief.
22:52
SPEAKER_00: Because there are not many situations where we're always something or never something.
22:57
SPEAKER_00: So immediately if you hear those words, you can think, is this a limiting belief?
23:02
SPEAKER_00: And when you do identify those statements, write them down.
23:05
SPEAKER_00: Because if you hear them over and over again, then you can really identify if there's a limiting belief that you need to address with your child.
23:13
SPEAKER_00: Now, not every negative statement is a limiting belief.
23:16
SPEAKER_00: Sometimes your child is just making an assessment.
23:18
SPEAKER_00: If your child has never played basketball and says, I'm probably not going to make the varsity basketball team tomorrow, they may simply be acknowledging reality.
23:25
SPEAKER_00: But what we should be more interested in is when a specific limitation starts spreading into identity.
23:30
SPEAKER_00: Where I don't know how to do this becomes I'm stupid.
23:34
SPEAKER_00: Remember, you can't do anything about I'm stupid, but you can do something about I don't know how to do this.
23:40
SPEAKER_00: Or I didn't get invited because nobody likes me.
23:44
SPEAKER_00: Of course, it's not true that nobody likes you.
23:48
SPEAKER_00: Again, that's almost like saying always or never.
23:52
SPEAKER_00: Nobody or everybody is another one of those catchphrases that should make you think this is probably not an accurate assessment.
24:01
SPEAKER_00: And one that you might encounter at some point.
24:05
SPEAKER_00: I failed becomes I'm a failure.
24:08
SPEAKER_00: That's where you should start asking questions.
24:10
SPEAKER_00: Not arguing with them, but questions.
24:12
SPEAKER_00: Why do you think that?
24:14
SPEAKER_00: When did you start believing that?
24:16
SPEAKER_00: Is that really always true?
24:20
SPEAKER_00: And here's where you can start to counter those beliefs.
24:24
SPEAKER_00: Ask, can you think of a time when it wasn't true?
24:27
SPEAKER_00: Or who told you that?
24:30
SPEAKER_00: And if they can't think of the answer, that's probably a good clue that they've subconsciously picked that up, either from their friends or from you, or from the family, or just from their own insecurities.
24:44
SPEAKER_00: Sometimes you're gonna discover that somebody actually did tell them that.
24:49
SPEAKER_00: Maybe a teacher made that comment two or three years ago, or coach told them they weren't athletic, or another child laughed at them, a sibling teased them.
25:00
SPEAKER_00: Oh, and here's an uncomfortable possibility.
25:03
SPEAKER_00: They may say, You did.
25:06
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, brace yourself, because there are other situations aside from the ice cream where I have made those identity statements about my son.
25:17
SPEAKER_00: There was a time when, as a joke, I used to tell my son, you wouldn't be able to survive in the wild.
25:23
SPEAKER_00: This is because my son has a very comfortable life.
25:27
SPEAKER_00: And when it came to figuring out things that on the street, I realized that he sometimes struggled because he never had to figure out things on his own.
25:36
SPEAKER_00: And so I started to make a joke and say, you never survive in the wild.
25:40
SPEAKER_00: At some point, I realized, wait a second, if I keep saying this, he may actually believe that.
25:46
SPEAKER_00: So I had to actually stop myself and I actually had to tell him, hey, you know that that's a joke, right?
25:52
SPEAKER_00: I really think that you're capable of handling yourself wherever you are.
25:57
SPEAKER_00: You're really shown yourself to be able to take care of yourself, especially when I'm not around.
26:03
SPEAKER_00: And so even when you're aware of these things, you might find that you've done it inadvertently or done it as a joke.
26:11
SPEAKER_00: Remember that sometimes you might be the one who's created these limiting beliefs even when you didn't intend to.
26:18
SPEAKER_00: And if that is the case, resist the urge to immediately defend yourself.
26:23
SPEAKER_00: You might remember saying this in a totally different light, and you may know that what you said isn't what you meant or the way that they took it.
26:32
SPEAKER_00: But right now, what you're trying to find out is what your child believes and where they think it came from, because that's what matters.
26:39
SPEAKER_00: You can deal with what you meant later.
26:42
SPEAKER_00: First, understand what they heard.
26:45
SPEAKER_00: And don't only listen to what your child says.
26:48
SPEAKER_00: Watch watch what they're consistently avoiding.
26:51
SPEAKER_00: Sometimes the belief will show up in behavior, not in words.
26:54
SPEAKER_00: They won't try out for things, they won't raise their hand, they won't apply for the competitive programs, they don't want to introduce themselves, they won't even audition, but you know it means a lot to them.
27:06
SPEAKER_00: They don't ever want to take the harder class.
27:10
SPEAKER_00: They don't try something unless they know they're going to be good at it.
27:12
SPEAKER_00: Ask yourself, what would my child attempt if they weren't afraid of what the attempt would say about them?
27:19
SPEAKER_00: Because sometimes what looks like laziness is actually, I don't think I can do it.
27:24
SPEAKER_00: And sometimes what looks like a lack of ambition is people like me don't succeed at things like that.
27:30
SPEAKER_00: And with high achievers, perfectionism can hide a limiting belief really well.
27:36
SPEAKER_00: A child may look extraordinarily confident because they only operate in areas where they know they can excel.
27:42
SPEAKER_00: They get the grades and the awards and they do everything they're supposed to do.
27:46
SPEAKER_00: But watch what happens when they're given the opportunity to do something where success isn't guaranteed.
27:51
SPEAKER_00: If suddenly they don't want to try, there might be belief under there, underneath that, that says if I'm not immediately good at something, maybe I'm not actually that smart.
28:01
SPEAKER_00: That's a limiting belief that's wearing a really amazing disguise.
28:07
SPEAKER_00: Okay, here's another way to identify limiting belief that I think might even be more useful.
28:12
SPEAKER_00: Ask, what choices has this belief removed from consideration?
28:16
SPEAKER_00: Because that's ultimately where limiting beliefs become important.
28:20
SPEAKER_00: The problem isn't simply that the belief makes them feel bad, it actually changes the choices that they believe are available to them.
28:27
SPEAKER_00: And that's what you really need to pay attention to.
28:30
SPEAKER_00: What are they not even considering because they've already decided it's not for them?
28:35
SPEAKER_00: What are they not even trying because they think they already know how it's going to turn out?
28:40
SPEAKER_00: Sometimes the biggest cost of limiting beliefs is that an opportunity never even gets considered.
28:47
SPEAKER_00: And watch for what I call the belief proof loop.
28:52
SPEAKER_00: This is where limiting beliefs can become particularly difficult to change because eventually the child could start generating evidence that what they believe is true.
29:01
SPEAKER_00: Imagine a child believes I'm bad at making friends.
29:04
SPEAKER_00: So they walk into a social situation, they hang back, they don't introduce themselves, they don't start conversations, and other kids interpret that as they're not interested in being friends, so they don't approach either.
29:15
SPEAKER_00: The child leaves having barely spoken to anyone, and and so what do they think?
29:20
SPEAKER_00: See, I knew it, I'm terrible at making friends.
29:22
SPEAKER_00: Now they have actual evidence, except we have to ask, did the belief predict the outcome or did the belief help create the outcome?
29:31
SPEAKER_00: The same thing can happen academically.
29:34
SPEAKER_00: I'm bad at math.
29:34
SPEAKER_00: So they avoid studying because studying feels pointless.
29:38
SPEAKER_00: Their grades get worse.
29:39
SPEAKER_00: See, I'm bad at math.
29:41
SPEAKER_00: Or I'm terrible at public speaking.
29:43
SPEAKER_00: So they avoid every opportunity to speak.
29:46
SPEAKER_00: They never practice.
29:48
SPEAKER_00: Then when they finally have to give a presentation, they're uncomfortable and inexperienced.
29:53
SPEAKER_00: See, I knew it.
29:56
SPEAKER_00: That's what they say to themselves.
29:58
SPEAKER_00: And the belief produces a behavior.
30:00
SPEAKER_00: The behavior contributes to the outcome, and the outcome becomes proof that the belief was true.
30:06
SPEAKER_00: And now the belief gets stronger.
30:08
SPEAKER_00: So when you're trying to understand a limiting belief, don't only ask, is this true?
30:12
SPEAKER_00: Ask, what does believing this cause you to actually do?
30:17
SPEAKER_00: And that's sometimes where you can find the intervention.
30:21
SPEAKER_00: Another clue is when the emotional reaction seems much bigger than the event, they get a beat and they're devastated.
30:27
SPEAKER_00: Or they make one mistake during a performance and feel humiliated, or they get rejected from one opportunity and say they'll never apply again.
30:34
SPEAKER_00: The reaction may be telling you that the event touched something much bigger.
30:38
SPEAKER_00: The B wasn't just a B.
30:40
SPEAKER_00: It threatened I'm the smart one.
30:44
SPEAKER_00: And remember, that can be a limiting belief if that's all they believe their identity is.
30:51
SPEAKER_00: Instead of seeing the action, the behavior, and the interventions they can take to change that outcome, all they see is I'm the smart one, I failed, and so I'm no longer smart.
31:05
SPEAKER_00: The rejection isn't just a rejection.
31:08
SPEAKER_00: When they were rejected by their peers, it's not just a rejection, it confirms I'm not good enough.
31:15
SPEAKER_00: Where the mistake they made isn't just a mistake.
31:17
SPEAKER_00: It means if I'm not perfect, people won't respect me.
31:21
SPEAKER_00: And that's where you can start looking beneath the event.
31:24
SPEAKER_00: Look at your own language as well.
31:27
SPEAKER_00: If you really want to know what limiting beliefs you may have contributed to, listen to the stories you tell about your child.
31:33
SPEAKER_00: What adjectives do you repeatedly use?
31:35
SPEAKER_00: What do you say about them when they're sitting right there?
31:38
SPEAKER_00: What do you tell grandparents, teachers, friends, and coaches?
31:42
SPEAKER_00: She's always been.
31:43
SPEAKER_00: He's never been.
31:45
SPEAKER_00: She is my he's just not.
31:48
SPEAKER_00: Those sentences are also clues because if you've been telling the same story about your child for ten years, there's a pretty good chance they've heard it too.
31:56
SPEAKER_00: Then ask yourself one uncomfortable question, but a useful one.
32:00
SPEAKER_00: If my child believed everything I've repeatedly said about them, what would they believe about themselves?
32:06
SPEAKER_00: You may love every answer, and you may find one or two that you want to change.
32:12
SPEAKER_00: Okay, so let's get to the hard part.
32:16
SPEAKER_00: What if you've already given them a limiting belief?
32:19
SPEAKER_00: Let's say you found one of these things, and maybe you even helped to put it there.
32:25
SPEAKER_00: You've been calling your daughter shy for ten years, you've referred to one child as the athletic one and the other one as a smart one, or you've repeatedly said we're just not good with money.
32:36
SPEAKER_00: You've told your child they're disorganized or overly sensitive, bad at math, not creative, or they don't have the personality to be a leader.
32:46
SPEAKER_00: Well, you can't go back and unsay those things, but that doesn't mean the belief is permanent.
32:51
SPEAKER_00: And I don't think the answer is suddenly to start telling your child the opposite.
32:55
SPEAKER_00: If you've spent 10 years saying you're terrible at math, and tomorrow you announce actually you're amazing at math, they're not going to believe you.
33:02
SPEAKER_00: You're trying to replace one fixed identity with another fixed identity.
33:06
SPEAKER_00: Instead, what I think you can do is reopen the question.
33:10
SPEAKER_00: Acknowledge what you contributed.
33:12
SPEAKER_00: You can actually say, I realize that I've been calling you shy for years, and I don't think that that was fair.
33:19
SPEAKER_00: You may be quieter in some situations, but I've turned that into a description of who you are, and that's not what you have to be if you don't want to be.
33:28
SPEAKER_00: Or I've always said that you're not athletic.
33:31
SPEAKER_00: What I really know is that you haven't enjoyed the sports that you've tried so far.
33:36
SPEAKER_00: And that's not the same thing.
33:38
SPEAKER_00: There could be other sports that you're really great at.
33:42
SPEAKER_00: Or maybe I've been telling you that you need a safe career because financial security is really important to me, but that's my fear, and I don't want you to automatically make it yours.
33:52
SPEAKER_00: I think there's value in letting our children hear us correct ourselves and to talk about our own fears.
33:58
SPEAKER_00: So they label them and recognize them as what they are, which are fears and not the truth.
34:04
SPEAKER_00: It tells them something much bigger than mom was wrong about this one thing.
34:08
SPEAKER_00: It teaches them that beliefs are editable, that you can change your beliefs, that you have power and control over your beliefs.
34:17
SPEAKER_00: So separate the evidence from the conclusion.
34:20
SPEAKER_00: Ask them what actually happened.
34:22
SPEAKER_00: Maybe your child struggled with math.
34:25
SPEAKER_00: Now that's evidence and can be factual, but to say I'm bad at math, that's a conclusion.
34:31
SPEAKER_00: I remember thinking I was terrible at history.
34:35
SPEAKER_00: And then one day I came across this show called The Tutors.
34:39
SPEAKER_00: And suddenly I was fascinated with history.
34:43
SPEAKER_00: And I thought if I had learned history this way, I would never have been bad at history.
34:48
SPEAKER_00: And I also learned that I'm a person who likes concepts versus details.
34:54
SPEAKER_00: And that's why I struggled a lot with history because I didn't understand the point of memorizing things that I wouldn't be using every day.
35:01
SPEAKER_00: And so there's a reason sometimes why people are not good at things.
35:06
SPEAKER_00: Remember, some of the most brilliant people of our time didn't even do well in school.
35:11
SPEAKER_00: I struggled with that math test.
35:13
SPEAKER_00: That's evidence.
35:15
SPEAKER_00: But to say I'm bad at math, that's a conclusion.
35:17
SPEAKER_00: One that may not be true.
35:20
SPEAKER_00: If you froze during your presentation, that's evidence.
35:23
SPEAKER_00: That's a fact.
35:24
SPEAKER_00: But to say that means you're terrible at public speaking, well, that's a conclusion.
35:29
SPEAKER_00: That may not be true.
35:30
SPEAKER_00: If they tried out for three teams and didn't make any of them, that's also evidence.
35:34
SPEAKER_00: But to say I'm not athletic, that's still a conclusion.
35:38
SPEAKER_00: Imagine if Jordan said he was an athletic after not making the high school basketball team.
35:44
SPEAKER_00: If he had allowed that belief to be a conclusion, then his career would have been concluded.
35:50
SPEAKER_00: Remember, we've got to pull those two things apart.
35:52
SPEAKER_00: You don't have to deny evidence, but you don't have to treat the conclusion as permanent.
35:57
SPEAKER_00: And one of the most powerful things someone taught me also is if you're not good at something, always attach the word yet to the end.
36:05
SPEAKER_00: I haven't done that yet.
36:07
SPEAKER_00: Or I'm not successful at that yet.
36:09
SPEAKER_00: Just that one simple word is a really powerful way to reinstall choice and to counter limiting beliefs when you have evidence otherwise, evidence that seems to be confirming those beliefs.
36:21
SPEAKER_00: And also start looking for contradictory evidence to those beliefs.
36:25
SPEAKER_00: Now, this doesn't mean manufacturing some false compliment.
36:28
SPEAKER_00: Kids know when we are doing that, but look for actual evidence that the belief is not actually true or universally true.
36:35
SPEAKER_00: If your child thinks that they're shy, point out situations where they were comfortable initiating conversations.
36:41
SPEAKER_00: If they believe they're disorganized, notice when they successfully plan something that they care about.
36:46
SPEAKER_00: If they believe they're bad at school, separate subjects.
36:49
SPEAKER_00: Maybe they're struggling in chemistry, but they're doing really well in another subject like history.
36:54
SPEAKER_00: The goal is not to convince them that they're secretly brilliant at everything.
36:58
SPEAKER_00: It's to weaken the word always and to weaken the word never.
37:03
SPEAKER_00: I'm always disorganized, I'm always awkward, I'm always bad at this.
37:07
SPEAKER_00: I never I never win.
37:10
SPEAKER_00: I never get picked.
37:12
SPEAKER_00: Usually always isn't true.
37:14
SPEAKER_00: And once there are exceptions, the identity starts to become less rigid and starts to realize that those are just things you're telling yourself.
37:22
SPEAKER_00: They're not actually true statements.
37:25
SPEAKER_00: Create opportunities also for new evidence.
37:28
SPEAKER_00: And this matters because you can't always talk someone out of every limiting belief.
37:33
SPEAKER_00: Sometimes they need to experience something that contradicts it.
37:36
SPEAKER_00: If your child believes that they can't speak in front of people, maybe the first goal isn't a speech in front of 500 people.
37:42
SPEAKER_00: Maybe it's just asking one question in class, doing a small presentation, introducing themselves to someone, making a video for social media, and then giving a short presentation.
37:55
SPEAKER_00: If they think they can't cook, have them learn one meal.
37:58
SPEAKER_00: If they think they're not athletic, maybe they don't need to join a competitive team, maybe they try hiking, weightlifting, dance, swimming, martial arts, something that gives them a different experience of athleticism.
38:12
SPEAKER_00: Because eventually they aren't relying on you saying, I think you can do this.
38:16
SPEAKER_00: They have their own evidence that says I've done it.
38:19
SPEAKER_00: And that can be much more powerful at times.
38:22
SPEAKER_00: And of course, the other thing to do is to stop reinforcing the old story.
38:27
SPEAKER_00: I know this sounds obvious, but families do this all the time.
38:30
SPEAKER_00: Your child starts changing and everyone keeps telling the same old joke.
38:33
SPEAKER_00: Oh, don't ask him.
38:34
SPEAKER_00: He's terrible with directions.
38:36
SPEAKER_00: She's always been our shy one.
38:38
SPEAKER_00: You know how disorganized he is.
38:40
SPEAKER_00: And the child may actually be trying to become different.
38:43
SPEAKER_00: Well, everybody around them keeps reminding them who they used to be.
38:46
SPEAKER_00: Give your child permission to outgrow your description of them.
38:50
SPEAKER_00: And actually give them permission to outgrow their own description of themselves.
38:55
SPEAKER_00: Finally, there's one last thing I think we need to be careful about.
38:58
SPEAKER_00: Once you start noticing limiting beliefs, it's very easy to become hyper-aware of them.
39:03
SPEAKER_00: Your child might say, I don't think I can do this.
39:05
SPEAKER_00: And immediately you're yelling, don't say that.
39:08
SPEAKER_00: That's a limiting belief.
39:09
SPEAKER_00: You have to believe in yourself.
39:11
SPEAKER_00: But sometimes your child genuinely doesn't think they can do something.
39:14
SPEAKER_00: Sometimes they're scared, sometimes they doubt themselves, sometimes they're discouraged.
39:18
SPEAKER_00: They're allowed to feel those things.
39:19
SPEAKER_00: We don't want to create another rule, which is I'm not allowed to doubt myself, because that's not the goal either.
39:25
SPEAKER_00: The goal is not constant positive thinking or no negative emotions.
39:30
SPEAKER_00: I don't think the opposite of a limiting belief is unlimited belief without any negative experiences.
39:37
SPEAKER_00: I think the opposite of limiting belief is a flexible belief.
39:40
SPEAKER_00: What you need your child to believe is, I don't know yet.
39:44
SPEAKER_00: Maybe I could get better at this.
39:45
SPEAKER_00: Maybe I can work on things to make myself better.
39:48
SPEAKER_00: Maybe I need to look for help.
39:50
SPEAKER_00: Maybe I need a different strategy.
39:52
SPEAKER_00: Maybe something that was true about me before isn't true anymore.
39:56
SPEAKER_00: Maybe I should find out what the truth is by doing more experiments, because this is a much more useful way to move through the world.
40:05
SPEAKER_00: The statement I can do anything is a wonderful statement and a wonderful belief to have.
40:11
SPEAKER_00: But having the statement who I am today does not determine everything I can become tomorrow is a belief that gives your child unlimited possibilities.
40:22
SPEAKER_00: And maybe that's actually the antidote to limiting belief.
40:26
SPEAKER_00: So for our parents corner this week, I want you to do three things.
40:30
SPEAKER_00: First, spend the week listening to the language you use to describe your child, especially the words always, never, just, and not.
40:38
SPEAKER_00: And when you find yourself saying those things, write them down because noticing patterns sometimes takes time.
40:45
SPEAKER_00: When you say she's always, he's never, she's just, he's not, those are places to investigate.
40:51
SPEAKER_00: Second, listen to the language your child uses and also note that.
40:54
SPEAKER_00: Don't immediately correct it.
40:56
SPEAKER_00: Just get curious.
40:57
SPEAKER_00: They say I'm just not good at that.
40:59
SPEAKER_00: Ask, why do you think that?
41:01
SPEAKER_00: When did you start believing that?
41:03
SPEAKER_00: And most importantly, what is believing that stops you from doing or trying?
41:08
SPEAKER_00: You may learn something you didn't know.
41:10
SPEAKER_00: And third, pick one belief, just one, that might be unnecessarily limiting them.
41:15
SPEAKER_00: Don't replace it with some enormous positive affirmation.
41:19
SPEAKER_00: Just reopen the question.
41:21
SPEAKER_00: Maybe they're not actually bad at math, maybe they're just struggling with math right now or one particular skill in math.
41:28
SPEAKER_00: Maybe they're not shy.
41:29
SPEAKER_00: Maybe they're just cautious in unfamiliar environments.
41:32
SPEAKER_00: Maybe they're not irresponsible at money.
41:34
SPEAKER_00: Maybe they just haven't learned to understand the value yet.
41:38
SPEAKER_00: Maybe they're not someone who can't, maybe they just simply haven't figured out how.
41:43
SPEAKER_00: And remember the thirty dollar ice cream.
41:47
SPEAKER_00: What I can teach my son is how to evaluate the value he's getting for money without fear of spending money.
41:58
SPEAKER_00: Responsibility without scarcity.
42:00
SPEAKER_00: And I can help him understand the world as it is without deciding for him who he's capable of becoming.
42:06
SPEAKER_00: Our children are going to encounter enough limits in their lives that are real.
42:10
SPEAKER_00: We don't need to give them imaginary ones.
42:14
SPEAKER_00: So this week, try those exercises to look at limiting beliefs that are going on with your child.
42:20
SPEAKER_00: And then, if you're brave enough, do the experiment with yourself as well.
42:25
SPEAKER_00: I hope you've enjoyed this episode.
42:26
SPEAKER_00: Check out our programs on myirresistible life.com.
42:30
SPEAKER_00: Remember that the foundational concepts we're teaching helps your child to make better decisions in their life.
42:38
SPEAKER_00: By knowing those foundational basics, the same way that you've learned now about limiting beliefs, you're setting your child up to make the decisions that will take them towards happiness and true fulfillment and success, versus taking them towards things they think are going to make them happy.
42:56
SPEAKER_00: And even though there was nothing here that's complicated, understanding these things can be extremely powerful.
43:03
SPEAKER_00: Just being aware can help you to avoid the problems and situations that will arise from not ever having thought about them.
43:12
SPEAKER_00: So I hope you enjoyed this episode.
43:14
SPEAKER_00: We encourage you to check out our other episodes and subscribe, follow, share, because the more you do that, the more we can bring in more content like this, and we can bring better guest speakers onto the show and content that will really help you in your life.
43:32
SPEAKER_00: I'll see you back next time, my friends.
43:33
SPEAKER_00: Until then, stay irresistible.