Latest / Alive, I Guess Podcast / Episode 22 - Boundaries Be Happenin

Transcript

Episode 22 - Boundaries Be Happenin · Alive, I Guess Podcast

0:16
SPEAKER_00: What's good, y'all?
0:18
SPEAKER_00: Welcome to your safe space.
0:20
SPEAKER_00: I'm your host, RJ, and this is the Alive I Guess Podcast.
0:24
SPEAKER_00: If you're new here, welcome.
0:27
SPEAKER_00: I appreciate you for joining.
0:29
SPEAKER_00: And if you've been here, welcome back.
0:32
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0:34
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0:40
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0:55
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1:01
SPEAKER_00: Today we are going to be discussing boundaries.
1:06
SPEAKER_00: I have come to learn that there is such a lack of boundaries or an understanding around boundaries.
1:14
SPEAKER_00: There's a misconception for what people think it is and how people respond to boundaries.
1:21
SPEAKER_00: So I'm like, look, let's put it all on the flow and talk about it.
1:26
SPEAKER_00: But you already know we got to do a moment of gratitude.
1:30
SPEAKER_00: So if you're listening today, say something out loud that you are grateful for.
1:34
SPEAKER_00: And if you are watching, drop something below in the comments.
1:38
SPEAKER_00: Today, I am grateful for boundaries.
1:42
SPEAKER_00: So much of my life was spent without having boundaries and just showing up and doing things for other people because of that codependency that we touched on.
1:50
SPEAKER_00: Which, if you have not watched it, go check it out.
1:54
SPEAKER_00: But the person that I am today, oh, those boundaries are tight, firm.
2:00
SPEAKER_00: I do not let anybody walk all over me in any regard.
2:04
SPEAKER_00: It doesn't matter if you are a job, a family member, a friend, myself, you the boundaries are here to stay.
2:13
SPEAKER_00: And I'm hoping to help a friend out, help somebody out there, because boundaries are needed.
2:21
SPEAKER_00: So let's get into it.
2:23
SPEAKER_00: Because boundaries be happening.
2:25
SPEAKER_00: First of all, let's get into what boundaries actually are, because people have gotten it wrong about what they think boundaries are or what they feel boundaries should be, which aren't actually boundaries.
2:40
SPEAKER_00: So you know me, had to pull up the definition.
2:44
SPEAKER_00: Boundaries are the physical, emotional, and mental limits individuals set to protect their well-being, define personal space, and communicate how they want to be treated.
2:57
SPEAKER_00: They are not a wall, they are not an ultimatum, they are not a punishment.
3:04
SPEAKER_00: It's information in a way in which people let you know what they need or how you let people know what you need.
3:14
SPEAKER_00: There is a difference between having a boundary in place and setting a demand.
3:21
SPEAKER_00: One is about you, the other is about controlling something or someone.
3:27
SPEAKER_00: So not to say they are not meant to be mean, they are meant to be honest.
3:33
SPEAKER_00: So just because you don't like it doesn't mean that it's mean or that it's wrong or that it shouldn't be in place.
3:42
SPEAKER_00: Also, boundaries are not boundaries without a consequence.
3:48
SPEAKER_00: A boundary without a consequence is just an ask.
3:52
SPEAKER_00: It's a wish, it's something that you hope for.
3:56
SPEAKER_00: There has to be an if-then tied to that boundary.
4:00
SPEAKER_00: If you do this, then this gonna happen.
4:04
SPEAKER_00: That is a boundary.
4:06
SPEAKER_00: And you can have boundaries with someone that you love deeply.
4:10
SPEAKER_00: In fact, those are the people you should have boundaries with the most.
4:15
SPEAKER_00: Let's dive in.
4:16
SPEAKER_00: It is paramount that as you go through life, as you grow, as you gain new people into your life, that you have boundaries.
4:28
SPEAKER_00: Not having boundaries doesn't make you neutral or non-confrontational or super flexible.
4:36
SPEAKER_00: It means you are a doormat and you get walked all over because you don't know how to tell people your limits or the things that you are not willing to do.
4:45
SPEAKER_00: And in fact, it's slowly draining you and slowly stressing you out.
4:51
SPEAKER_00: Circling back to that codependency, when you don't have boundaries, you tend to turn into the person that is needed for the situation, the scenario, the room.
5:03
SPEAKER_00: You do whatever has to happen or is best to happen, even if it goes against what you want or what you're comfortable with, because there is no limit to what you're willing to do because you haven't put that in place.
5:17
SPEAKER_00: And when you do not have these boundaries in place, and when you become whoever is needed for whatever the situation is, you lose track of yourself, and that's a problem because as you're losing track of yourself, people are interacting with you in a way in which it's conducive to them, and it's putting you further in a deficit of your self-respect, your capacity, everything that has to do with your mental and your emotional well-being.
5:51
SPEAKER_00: Let me let me put it to y'all this way: when you don't have boundaries and you're dealing with people as people are, they want to be comfortable.
6:02
SPEAKER_00: And so they're going to want things from you that makes it the most comfortable for them.
6:10
SPEAKER_00: And so when you are building relationships, people aren't falling for the person that you are, they're falling for how accommodating you can be.
6:21
SPEAKER_00: You know, those times I've seen this a lot in college, specifically, when you have a guy and he's talking to all these girls.
6:34
SPEAKER_00: And usually the girls that get cut off are the ones that stop putting out, the ones that stop being accommodating for what they want, the ones that are like, you know what?
6:46
SPEAKER_00: I'ma stop giving you this until we figure out what we are.
6:49
SPEAKER_00: Oh, you cut the accommodation.
6:52
SPEAKER_00: That was the whole reason they were in it.
6:54
SPEAKER_00: So now they gotta go somewhere else where they're accommodated.
6:58
SPEAKER_00: You following?
7:00
SPEAKER_00: Like that narrative, that belief, that idea is usually how relationships tend to form with people when you don't have boundaries.
7:10
SPEAKER_00: It's like they like the idea of how available you are versus who you are, which is wild, but you know, that's just kind of how it goes.
7:25
SPEAKER_00: Like, why should anybody want or expect more of you when they know they can get this out of you?
7:32
SPEAKER_00: I'm not saying everybody thinks like that.
7:35
SPEAKER_00: I don't use people for the sake of using, even if I know I could get away with it, but I'm not everybody.
7:42
SPEAKER_00: And people be selfish and they will take advantage wherever they can.
7:46
SPEAKER_00: And setting boundaries doesn't just have to be about actions you will and won't tolerate.
7:53
SPEAKER_00: It also goes for things that you will engage with or allow people to say to you, allow people to treat you in certain ways.
8:04
SPEAKER_00: There's a few ways you can set boundaries, it just doesn't have to solely be physical.
8:09
SPEAKER_00: There was a situation pretty recently where I was around some family members, and these family members, I have brought it up before, but these are family members who whether it be intentionally or just like a generational difference, they're disrespectful, and disrespectful in the way that they're not trying to disrespect me, they're not respecting me, which is disrespect.
8:46
SPEAKER_00: Same people who were calling my wife, my girlfriend, or my friend, you know that's my wife.
8:55
SPEAKER_00: Don't play with me because you want to talk about partners.
9:00
SPEAKER_00: We could talk about partners if that's what you want, but then that's me being disrespectful.
9:07
SPEAKER_00: So instead of getting mad or getting even, I set the boundary.
9:12
SPEAKER_00: So these are people who tend to lack some respect when I am around them.
9:18
SPEAKER_00: And so the boundary that I put up is one, I'm not gonna be around you unless I absolutely have to.
9:25
SPEAKER_00: And when I have to be around you, I'm going to not engage with you that much.
9:30
SPEAKER_00: If you speak to me, I'll speak back.
9:32
SPEAKER_00: Otherwise, we ain't speaking.
9:35
SPEAKER_00: So I'm around these people and they see me and they speak.
9:40
SPEAKER_00: Um, so I speak back, but then it's time to leave the place that we're in.
9:48
SPEAKER_00: And I do the old Irish goodbye.
9:51
SPEAKER_00: I'm not saying a goddamn thing to you.
9:54
SPEAKER_00: Because if we speak and if you get disrespectful, I have a boundary in place, and what those boundaries are consequences.
10:05
SPEAKER_00: So those consequences that I decided are gonna happen are if you disrespect me, I'm gonna disrespect you back.
10:14
SPEAKER_00: And I don't want to do that.
10:17
SPEAKER_00: So I just hold the boundary.
10:19
SPEAKER_00: We're not gonna engage.
10:20
SPEAKER_00: I'm not gonna put you in a situation to where you can disrespect me anymore.
10:25
SPEAKER_00: And if we are in a space where we have to engage, I'm going to limit that interaction because I'm not going to tolerate you being disrespectful.
10:37
SPEAKER_00: That's the boundary.
10:38
SPEAKER_00: Does it mean I hate these people?
10:40
SPEAKER_00: No, I love these people.
10:43
SPEAKER_00: I don't love the disrespect, and I'm sure they ain't gonna love what I gotta say.
10:47
SPEAKER_00: So hold that line.
10:51
SPEAKER_00: Now there are other people, like my dad, who I will not engage with.
10:57
SPEAKER_00: Heller high water, house on fire, not saying a word, and that is different.
11:04
SPEAKER_00: Uh, we will dive into him in depth later.
11:09
SPEAKER_00: But there's just certain things I will not tolerate, and because there is no talking to this man, there is no talking to this man.
11:19
SPEAKER_00: So I don't engage.
11:20
SPEAKER_00: There's a situation at one of my brothers' graduations.
11:24
SPEAKER_00: Context: My brothers and I, we all went to the same school district for middle school.
11:31
SPEAKER_00: Uh, I went for middle school, the rest went for elementary through high school, essentially.
11:39
SPEAKER_00: And my dad works in the school district, everybody knows us, and it's a white ass school district, so like we stick out.
11:47
SPEAKER_00: Um, I see an old teacher I have not seen in years.
11:51
SPEAKER_00: She comes up to speak to me.
11:53
SPEAKER_00: Of course, she knows me and my dad.
11:56
SPEAKER_00: So, for whatever reason, mind you, we've been around each other many times for many years, have not said a peep.
12:05
SPEAKER_00: But I know him.
12:07
SPEAKER_00: So as I'm talking to my old teacher, I see him beelining, and I'm like, no, he ain't.
12:15
SPEAKER_00: This this would be crazy because you're not finna put me in no corner and make me talk to you.
12:22
SPEAKER_00: We just gonna both look crazy.
12:24
SPEAKER_00: Um, so he makes his way over, and my teacher's like, oh, here comes your dad, because she don't know.
12:34
SPEAKER_00: And I'm like, Yep, here he comes, crazy, and he approaches us and he says, Hi, but the way in which he said it, it wasn't like hi, it was like hi, basically.
12:53
SPEAKER_00: And I looked at him like and it was quiet for a good five seconds, and then I thank my teacher and excuse myself because I be damned.
13:13
SPEAKER_00: Because if there are words, they will not be nice words, so that is my boundary, and the consequence was if you try to talk to me, you're not gonna get anything, it doesn't matter who we're around, and he found out very soon.
13:28
SPEAKER_00: And since then, there haven't been any more attempts.
13:33
SPEAKER_00: So, and again, um, I'm not gonna say I hate this man, not fond of him, but I don't I think I've moved out of hate.
13:42
SPEAKER_00: Um, but you you can't just make me do something to benefit you.
13:48
SPEAKER_00: Oh, no.
13:50
SPEAKER_00: The thing is, which we will get into in a second, but when you go from not having boundaries and you turn into someone who has very firm boundaries, throws people off.
14:04
SPEAKER_00: People get mad when you have boundaries.
14:06
SPEAKER_00: People seem to think that when you start respecting yourself and putting limits on what you will do and what you will tolerate for the sake of self-respect, that you're doing it out of hate, you're doing it because you're mad, you're doing it because you want to see them fail.
14:24
SPEAKER_00: When that's not the case at all.
14:27
SPEAKER_00: You're doing it because you're sick of being treated and talked to and engaged with like you're supposed to be able to take anything.
14:35
SPEAKER_00: And that was me.
14:37
SPEAKER_00: I was open, come one, come all.
14:40
SPEAKER_00: I'm here to make everybody's life easy.
14:43
SPEAKER_00: Coaches, teachers, families, girlfriends, everybody.
14:50
SPEAKER_00: Work, managers, coworkers.
14:53
SPEAKER_00: What y'all need?
14:54
SPEAKER_00: I'll make it happen.
14:55
SPEAKER_00: Today, if it's within my bandwidth, I'll see what I can do.
15:00
SPEAKER_00: And if I'm aligned, oh, I'm all in.
15:02
SPEAKER_00: But if not, go find you someone else to get you somebody else to do it.
15:08
SPEAKER_00: Cause it ain't gonna be me.
15:10
SPEAKER_00: It ain't gonna be RJ.
15:11
SPEAKER_00: Nah.
15:12
SPEAKER_00: That ship sailed a while ago, and it's not like a phase, so stop trying to fight it.
15:20
SPEAKER_00: Ain't happening.
15:21
SPEAKER_00: Cause that exhaustion of always showing up and always giving your all and being the thing that people need will burn you out, but nobody sees that, and nobody appreciates the things you're willing to accommodate.
15:40
SPEAKER_00: They just see it again as something you're supposed to be doing until you show them, hey, I have limits, and this is what they are.
15:50
SPEAKER_00: Now people get mad.
15:53
SPEAKER_00: You just gonna have to be mad, baby.
15:55
SPEAKER_00: And hopefully, one day you will learn that I'm doing this not because I hate you, but because I love me.
16:03
SPEAKER_00: Has less to do with you than you think.
16:05
SPEAKER_00: I just I can't be around it.
16:08
SPEAKER_00: Now, let's talk about the consequences of setting boundaries.
16:12
SPEAKER_00: Because initially, when you were first putting these boundaries into place, there are some consequences.
16:18
SPEAKER_00: They aren't all necessarily like explosive and huge consequences, but they're it's a change.
16:25
SPEAKER_00: So when you implement a change, everything around it has to change with it.
16:29
SPEAKER_00: So there's gonna be some shifts that happen, especially in the black family.
16:37
SPEAKER_00: Black families, black communities, because that's all I can speak to.
16:42
SPEAKER_00: When you put a boundary in place and say, like what you won't tolerate, now you getting looked at as, oh, you think you you better now, you too good to deal with us now.
16:56
SPEAKER_00: Bro, because I don't want you to talk to me like I'm crazy, because I don't like how you calling me out my name and I'm telling you to stop.
17:04
SPEAKER_00: Cause if I turn around and call you that, that's gonna be a problem too.
17:08
SPEAKER_00: So I'm grown.
17:12
SPEAKER_00: So yeah, I'm not gonna stand for that.
17:14
SPEAKER_00: Just like you aren't gonna stand for that either.
17:16
SPEAKER_00: If I flip it around on you, right?
17:19
SPEAKER_00: Or like nobody sees how we got there.
17:23
SPEAKER_00: Nobody sees the kid, the daughter or son, or like oldest who grows up being parentified, being the one that has to hold it down for the parents, and the one that has to hold it down and take responsibility for the kids and grow into this role to where that's expected in their adulthood, and they can't start living their life, or maybe they do start living their own life, and they're like, you know what, I'm gonna start living for me.
17:50
SPEAKER_00: And then they cut everybody off because every time they try to find a compromise and a way in which they could show up, they were met with backlash and resistance.
17:59
SPEAKER_00: So now everybody's cut off, and now the family's upset because it's like, how's she just gonna do us like this?
18:06
SPEAKER_00: Like, what?
18:06
SPEAKER_00: And I'm not saying I know I'm speaking passionately.
18:10
SPEAKER_00: That is not the case.
18:10
SPEAKER_00: I'm locked in with my family on all sides except one.
18:15
SPEAKER_00: But that wasn't even the case with them, they just are disrespectful, so I'll be over here out the way, chilling.
18:23
SPEAKER_00: But like, yeah, as soon as you start to set those boundaries, you you get treated like you done call somebody out their name, like you done slap somebody in their face, and all you did was ask them essentially to have respect for your time or your energy or who you are or who you're dating or your capacity, like you ain't asking for too much, and sometimes even if you don't like vocalize the boundary and you just start putting boundaries up within yourself about how you're engaging with others, sometimes that relationship tends to fade out, start to dwindle away because when you were actively shrinking yourself in that relationship, it's going great, everything was working out, but then you stop engaging with certain behaviors, engaging with certain topics of conversations, going certain places, doing certain things with these people.
19:34
SPEAKER_00: Now it's like, oh, you see what the foundation of that relationship is, and there isn't much of a relationship left.
19:44
SPEAKER_00: Not necessarily bad, it doesn't have to be even a conversation sometimes.
19:49
SPEAKER_00: Sometimes it's just natural progression of relationships evolving because not all relationships are here to stay, and when you start putting them boundaries in place, you usually find that out.
20:03
SPEAKER_00: Because any relationship, friendship, relationship in terms of like an opportunity or a place, like once you start putting boundaries in place, that relationship shouldn't crumble.
20:18
SPEAKER_00: If anything, it should get stronger because the way in which y'all know how to communicate and move forward together is clearer.
20:28
SPEAKER_00: If you express a need that you have, and as a result, the person pulls away, that person was not there for you, and that's family included.
20:42
SPEAKER_00: But the thing about family is it's not just like they're pulling away because they're using you.
20:54
SPEAKER_00: This is how they've learned that you love them, you know, and so when you start to change elements of the way they're perceiving you love them, they're taking it as a negative.
21:10
SPEAKER_00: This person don't love me no more.
21:12
SPEAKER_00: This person is mad at me, this person doesn't want me to be successful, this person don't want to show up for me, and it's like, no, I'm actually telling you this because I love you and because I love me.
21:26
SPEAKER_00: So I'm sorry that that's how it's landed for you, but that's not gonna change that this boundary is here to stay.
21:35
SPEAKER_00: So, what's the best way that we move forward?
21:38
SPEAKER_00: I've put boundaries in place with my brother, my older brother, my mom, like, and these are people who I'm still very close to and active with today.
21:49
SPEAKER_00: If anything, it made our relationship stronger.
21:53
SPEAKER_00: And these came from some situations, some Big conversations that ended in tears, ended in some temporary distance, and resulted in some harder conversations that needed to happen and just like mending of the relationship and slowly nurturing the relationship over time.
22:19
SPEAKER_00: That's what is supposed to happen when you are setting these boundaries, and when it's with someone who is supposed to love you or you think loves you because that's how they've engaged with you.
22:33
SPEAKER_00: It's not supposed to hurt, it's not supposed to harm, it's supposed to teach and make things better, improve the relationship.
22:42
SPEAKER_00: Everybody knows I'm sober, been sober six years plus the family members around me aren't sober, nor should they be because of my sobriety.
22:56
SPEAKER_00: Like, that's your path, do what you gotta do.
23:00
SPEAKER_00: A couple years ago, um, there's a situation that happened, and I'm around a family member, and when I'm around this family member, they get they turn into a different person, and it's not even necessarily like bad, like they get more like lovey, you know?
23:20
SPEAKER_00: And because that's not how I'm used to interacting with them, it made a wall go up, and I'm like, oh, this is making me uncomfortable.
23:29
SPEAKER_00: And so once I actually recognize that's what was happening, I didn't say, like, look, you have to stop doing that because that's a demand.
23:41
SPEAKER_00: I'm not demanding you to do anything, I'm setting a boundary.
23:46
SPEAKER_00: So the thing that I needed was to not be around this person while they drank.
23:52
SPEAKER_00: I didn't tell them you have to stop drinking.
23:56
SPEAKER_00: Uh, because I can't.
23:59
SPEAKER_00: Like this person's grown.
24:00
SPEAKER_00: I'm not gonna do that to them.
24:02
SPEAKER_00: But what I said was, I cannot be around you when you're drinking.
24:09
SPEAKER_00: So if we are in the same space and you are drinking, I will remove myself because that's all I can control.
24:17
SPEAKER_00: That is a boundary.
24:18
SPEAKER_00: I'm not sitting here saying you better do this, because that's that's not a boundary.
24:25
SPEAKER_00: You can only control your actions in a boundary and set the consequences that might affect both people.
24:33
SPEAKER_00: But like, you can't make people do nothing at all.
24:36
SPEAKER_00: You can just let them know if they keep engaging this way with you, then you are going to do something different that's gonna affect y'all.
24:44
SPEAKER_00: But like, there's a difference between forcing someone to do something and giving someone the opportunity to make a change because that's what you need and that's what you've expressed with this boundary.
24:58
SPEAKER_00: This person stopped drinking around me for a time.
25:01
SPEAKER_00: I don't know if they ever went back, but for a long time, they stopped drinking in my presence, and I appreciate them for that.
25:07
SPEAKER_00: Did they stop drinking?
25:09
SPEAKER_00: No, no, no, they they back at it, and that's okay because that wasn't the ask.
25:17
SPEAKER_00: The ask was to stop doing it around me because it had to do with me.
25:21
SPEAKER_00: And when I brought this up to this person, like I felt guilty.
25:25
SPEAKER_00: I felt like, how could I say that?
25:30
SPEAKER_00: Like, I don't want them to think anything negative, but like the consequence of me not saying anything was me being uncomfortable, and this person didn't even know that they were doing it, had no clue that this was even a thing.
25:47
SPEAKER_00: So once I expressed it, they were able to receive it, change it, and we went from there.
25:54
SPEAKER_00: But that guilt, it don't go away right away.
25:57
SPEAKER_00: Like it, you it's uncomfortable because again, it's change.
26:01
SPEAKER_00: It doesn't mean it shouldn't be said, doesn't mean the boundary isn't needed, just means you gotta sit in discomfort for a little bit, but over time, it gets easier.
26:13
SPEAKER_00: The boundaries just start to fly eventually.
26:17
SPEAKER_00: Eventually, you will be able to just automatically think in boundary setting versus let me take all this in and go from there.
26:29
SPEAKER_00: Like, yes, when you are at work, you can still have boundaries.
26:34
SPEAKER_00: I know there's a big expectation, especially for like salaried employees, to essentially be on the clock all the time, past the nine to five, but your salary is based on them 40 hours of work per week.
26:52
SPEAKER_00: So anything outside of that, unless you're paying me overtime, but you can't because I'm salaried, so it looks like I can't do it until I'm on the clock within that window of time.
27:03
SPEAKER_00: You could set a boundary at work, even in situations where it might feel like you don't have a choice, there's always choice.
27:10
SPEAKER_00: You can always set a boundary.
27:12
SPEAKER_00: You might have to be creative in how you do it and make sure you are protected when you're dealing with certain things like work, but boundaries go for anybody.
27:22
SPEAKER_00: It don't matter who you are, it don't matter where you are.
27:25
SPEAKER_00: Set them boundaries, don't let people play with you.
27:28
SPEAKER_00: And oddly enough, when you start getting good at implementing boundaries, although the result feels great and the ways in which you move forward are fantastic, there's still a grief and like a sadness that you have for maybe relationships that you've lost with setting boundaries, past versions of yourself who let things pass uh fly in the past.
27:57
SPEAKER_00: Like it's an interesting like conundrum that you're in with realizing the both.
28:04
SPEAKER_00: Like, I am a person who has boundaries now, and I used to be a person who didn't, and both have resulted in very different things, and you know, you can't change anything about the past, so you could just accept it, learn from it, and move forward.
28:20
SPEAKER_00: But there is still this, like, I don't know, like grieving process that goes along with it.
28:26
SPEAKER_00: And trust me, the clarity with the grief or the shame or guilt that you feel initially, it comes later.
28:33
SPEAKER_00: But at first, it feels kind of like a loss, and that's okay because sitting in discomfort ain't gonna kill you, it's gonna teach you a lot more than it is gonna hurt you.
28:44
SPEAKER_00: So, done a lot of talking around boundaries, but where are boundaries needed the most?
28:52
SPEAKER_00: Family is the biggest one.
28:56
SPEAKER_00: These are people that you love, these are people who molded you into the person that you are.
29:02
SPEAKER_00: These have different dynamics, and if you're from a generation or a culture like me, black older generation, it was just like respect your elders just for the fact that they're elders, which I agree with, but there's a comma after elders instead of a period, it's respect your elders, and you ain't gotta put up with being disrespected, you don't have to disrespect them back, but like you won't you don't have to toleration, especially if you grown.
29:36
SPEAKER_00: Like, no, this this is not this isn't the same time.
29:42
SPEAKER_00: And if you are dealing with like parents and stuff, especially, like that's gonna be important to set boundaries as well, because these are people who've literally birthed you and raised you and seen you since you were a kid.
30:00
SPEAKER_00: There's gonna have to be a switch in mindset and how they interact with you, and sometimes that line is gonna get crossed because they're still trying to understand you as an adult, which is why boundaries are going to be very important, very important.
30:18
SPEAKER_00: They're they might be entitled to certain things, or at least think they are, but like if you are in a relationship, you know, or not, like there's just certain things that they aren't gonna have access to like they did once before.
30:36
SPEAKER_00: And if you were cool with doing everything that your parents ask of you and letting them do whatever they want with you, then cool, have that.
30:44
SPEAKER_00: But that's not healthy.
30:46
SPEAKER_00: Friendships.
30:47
SPEAKER_00: You can have boundaries in friendships.
30:50
SPEAKER_00: You don't have to pick up every call, you don't have to answer every text, you don't have to say yes to every ask, you don't have to comply to every favor request.
31:01
SPEAKER_00: You don't have to do anything that you don't want to do, but sometimes there are gonna be requests that are just really outside of your capacity, and it's important that you set those boundaries because then eventually they'll stop asking you or they'll stop coming to you so much.
31:22
SPEAKER_00: People know when my location goes off, I'm doing a reset, I'm doing some grounding, I'm just taking a minute to get myself together.
31:33
SPEAKER_00: They know don't call me.
31:34
SPEAKER_00: Don't call me.
31:36
SPEAKER_00: Why would you call me?
31:37
SPEAKER_00: And that came through my location being off and me getting phone calls.
31:42
SPEAKER_00: And then that turned into me putting the message out hey, I'll be back soon.
31:48
SPEAKER_00: Stop reaching out, stop calling my wife to see where I am.
31:52
SPEAKER_00: Boundary.
31:53
SPEAKER_00: So now location's off.
31:56
SPEAKER_00: When I come back, they be like, I was wondering where you was at, bitch.
32:00
SPEAKER_00: I was about to, I was getting worried, but like they know because the boundary is there.
32:06
SPEAKER_00: Like, you don't have to deal with things just because they're your friends, and friends can have boundaries with you too.
32:15
SPEAKER_00: So it goes both ways.
32:16
SPEAKER_00: Like, you ain't exempt from getting no boundaries yourself now.
32:20
SPEAKER_00: Hell.
32:20
SPEAKER_00: Work.
32:21
SPEAKER_00: We touched on this, but protect your time, protect your peace, don't let nobody play in your face.
32:29
SPEAKER_00: And uh, if I can add any little tip, get everything in writing.
32:34
SPEAKER_00: That'll help with the boundaries for sure.
32:36
SPEAKER_00: Because if it's he say, she says, it's usually gonna be what he says, especially when that he is you get me.
32:43
SPEAKER_00: Romantic relationships.
32:45
SPEAKER_00: This is very important because this is the person you love more than anything and anyone in the whole wide world.
32:53
SPEAKER_00: At least you should, unless you got like kids, like I get that.
32:57
SPEAKER_00: Um, and it's very easy to go beyond your capacity, go beyond your limits for the sake of this person.
33:05
SPEAKER_00: It's very easy to silence yourself so that this person can feel seen and heard, and you don't want to make them upset or whatever reason you give yourself for changing things about yourself for the sake of the other person.
33:24
SPEAKER_00: You can have boundaries.
33:25
SPEAKER_00: Me and my wife, we got lots of boundaries with each other, and it's not because we do things that are necessarily bad, it's because we each have capacities, and sometimes we be at our capacity, and so when that's reached, the boundaries in place, and that's cool.
33:46
SPEAKER_00: Like, I don't take it no way, and neither does she, but it's very, very important to have boundaries.
33:53
SPEAKER_00: It's like the more you love a person, the more you need the boundary, and finally, you need to have boundaries with yourself.
34:01
SPEAKER_00: Don't let people disrespect you.
34:04
SPEAKER_00: Hold to these boundaries when you set them.
34:06
SPEAKER_00: If you make a promise to yourself, if you make a commitment to yourself, if you say you're gonna honor yourself in some way, hold to that.
34:14
SPEAKER_00: Don't don't put it down, don't disregard it, don't minimize it.
34:21
SPEAKER_00: Like the way you show up for other people, that's how you need to show up for yourself.
34:26
SPEAKER_00: Because nobody else is gonna show up for you like that.
34:29
SPEAKER_00: When I was working this past month, I'm grinding away, grinding.
34:37
SPEAKER_00: I'm not moving around as much.
34:40
SPEAKER_00: I'm working all day, every day, very hard.
34:44
SPEAKER_00: But that boundary, I'm going to the gym when it's scheduled.
34:49
SPEAKER_00: I'm not skipping it, I'm not circling back next week.
34:54
SPEAKER_00: Like, I'm committed to that.
34:56
SPEAKER_00: And so, yes, I found a way to still go to the gym.
35:00
SPEAKER_00: Now, did I go every day at the same time, or maybe it got pushed to the next day due to scheduling?
35:06
SPEAKER_00: Like, cool, there's some flexibility with that, but like hold true to that boundary, don't give up on yourself, treat it like you would any other person because you would go the extra mile for someone else, go the extra mile for you.
35:21
SPEAKER_00: You deserve that same treatment.
35:22
SPEAKER_00: And eventually, when you start to stack all these boundaries up, you start living completely different.
35:28
SPEAKER_00: There's a ripple effect when you start living with boundaries.
35:33
SPEAKER_00: People watch, people take note, people internalize, collect it in their bank of what they know about you, and they apply it.
35:43
SPEAKER_00: Not all the boundaries I set were vocalized, but people engage with me as such.
35:49
SPEAKER_00: That could look like look, if y'all start talking about this topic or thing or doing this activity, I'm not engaging.
35:58
SPEAKER_00: Eventually, people learn, people won't even bring these things up to you or invite you to these places.
36:05
SPEAKER_00: Like you can apply that for any area, but people take no because the most influential and powerful modeling that there is isn't like telling a person, it's not necessarily instructural, it's behavioral.
36:21
SPEAKER_00: What are you doing?
36:22
SPEAKER_00: Because you can sit here and tell me to do X, Y, and Z till you blew in the face.
36:27
SPEAKER_00: Are you doing it?
36:29
SPEAKER_00: Or you just got good lip service?
36:31
SPEAKER_00: Which is it?
36:32
SPEAKER_00: That's why I said you gotta show people how they can interact with you.
36:38
SPEAKER_00: You can't just tell them, you gotta hold yourself to that same standard, which is why you gotta have the consequence with the boundary.
36:47
SPEAKER_00: Because the boundary is the talking, the consequence is the doing.
36:51
SPEAKER_00: It's like, hey, I'm letting you know if you do this, I'm gonna do this.
36:55
SPEAKER_00: So, yeah, people watch, they observe, they take a note.
37:00
SPEAKER_00: In fact, I've had people tell me I taught them what boundaries were, whether that be actually telling them, explaining to them what it is, or just showing them, like, hey, RJ used to be a person who used to put up with a lot, but now they don't.
37:20
SPEAKER_00: And it's not even like they're telling people what to do, because I never shape my boundaries with you need to do this.
37:29
SPEAKER_00: It's always how I'm going to engage because you can't tell me what I'm gonna do.
37:33
SPEAKER_00: Just like I can't tell you what you're gonna do.
37:36
SPEAKER_00: So, like, you can't say like I'm forcing people to do something because no, every boundary ends with me.
37:41
SPEAKER_00: If you try to engage with me, I'm going to leave.
37:44
SPEAKER_00: If you do this with me, I'm going to leave.
37:47
SPEAKER_00: If you do this to me, we are going to have a problem.
37:51
SPEAKER_00: Like, it's all with myself.
37:54
SPEAKER_00: So that taught people how they can have boundaries with themselves, with themselves, and with other people, which is great because I really think having boundaries would fix so many problems in the world, like so many, so many in relationships, family dynamics, work relationships, everywhere, everything.
38:20
SPEAKER_00: And if you are a person who struggles with boundary setting, this is what I recommend you do.
38:27
SPEAKER_00: Because take it from me, I promise you, I was out here loose as a goose, no boundaries at all.
38:35
SPEAKER_00: And that was more so rooted in a lack of self-love.
38:39
SPEAKER_00: That's another topic for another day.
38:42
SPEAKER_00: But now I have a deep self-love for myself, which means I have boundaries because I can't let anyone out there interfere with that self-love and self-respect for myself.
38:54
SPEAKER_00: So, this, if I had to start all over again, this is where I'd start.
39:00
SPEAKER_00: Pick a situation where a boundary is long overdue.
39:04
SPEAKER_00: This could be with yourself, this could be at work, family, wherever that is.
39:10
SPEAKER_00: And that is if you need help identifying it, look at the thing that's bothering you the most or the thing you said you were gonna do, but haven't quite got to it.
39:21
SPEAKER_00: Pick one area and set a boundary.
39:25
SPEAKER_00: If you need help shaping it, shape it with the if-then structure.
39:32
SPEAKER_00: If this happens, situation that you're currently trying to fix, then consequence.
39:39
SPEAKER_00: What will happen if this continues?
39:42
SPEAKER_00: If someone speaks to me or calls me this, then I'm going to remove myself.
39:50
SPEAKER_00: I'm going to slap them.
39:52
SPEAKER_00: Whatever you choose is the consequence, mama.
39:54
SPEAKER_00: That's on you.
39:55
SPEAKER_00: Just pick one thing.
39:56
SPEAKER_00: Start small.
39:57
SPEAKER_00: The next thing, and this was I'm still kind of learning it, but try it and you'll see why it's so hard.
40:08
SPEAKER_00: Say no without over-explaining.
40:11
SPEAKER_00: No is a complete answer.
40:14
SPEAKER_00: Someone asks you something, no.
40:20
SPEAKER_00: You don't have to explain yourself?
40:22
SPEAKER_00: No.
40:24
SPEAKER_00: No.
40:26
SPEAKER_00: Practice it.
40:27
SPEAKER_00: We naturally think we gotta explain everything.
40:31
SPEAKER_00: There are so many times I type out full explanations to people I'm like doing business with, like over-explaining, and I'm like, they don't need all that.
40:44
SPEAKER_00: Like, cut it down to the bare bones.
40:45
SPEAKER_00: Like, I don't have to over-explain myself.
40:48
SPEAKER_00: Keep it short and sweet.
40:50
SPEAKER_00: No.
40:52
SPEAKER_00: Give it a shot.
40:53
SPEAKER_00: See how difficult it is.
40:54
SPEAKER_00: Now, expect some pushback, but prepare in advance and decide what it is that you will not tolerate when that comes around.
41:05
SPEAKER_00: Decide that you will not negotiate your limits under pressure.
41:10
SPEAKER_00: Really build that confidence within yourself because, again, you are showing people and teaching people how to engage with you.
41:21
SPEAKER_00: And so if you hold firm to that, eventually the asks will stop because people will already know you're not going for it.
41:30
SPEAKER_00: So prepare for that.
41:33
SPEAKER_00: Set the boundary, give the no, and that's it.
41:38
SPEAKER_00: And when the pushback comes, be prepared for it because it's gonna come.
41:42
SPEAKER_00: And that's cool.
41:44
SPEAKER_00: Because you are not responsible for how people feel about your boundary.
41:49
SPEAKER_00: All you are responsible for is having the boundary, is putting the boundary in place, not how anybody feels about it.
41:59
SPEAKER_00: If I cared about what people felt about my boundaries, I would be back at square one, giving all of me.
42:07
SPEAKER_00: And these people are insufferable.
42:09
SPEAKER_00: They it would never be enough what I do.
42:12
SPEAKER_00: So that's on them.
42:15
SPEAKER_00: Continue to set that boundary, boundaries over time, and just keep in mind setting boundaries is like the biggest act, one of the biggest acts of love for others and for yourself.
42:32
SPEAKER_00: So when you come up against the guilt with setting boundaries, you're dealing with the pushback from people.
42:40
SPEAKER_00: Know that you're doing it because you love them and because you love yourself and you hold firm to it.
42:47
SPEAKER_00: Don't let them push you out of your boundaries.
42:50
SPEAKER_00: You stand true, and I promise you, everything will work out.
42:55
SPEAKER_00: All right, y'all.
42:56
SPEAKER_00: Y'all know what time it is.
42:58
SPEAKER_00: It's time for I Say This With Love.
43:01
SPEAKER_00: Reminder: if you want your submission read, you would visit tinyurl.com slash AIGP advice, submit your information there for a chance to get it read during one of the episodes.
43:14
SPEAKER_00: Okay, so I've been at my job for a while and I'm good at it, but I am miserable.
43:20
SPEAKER_00: The pay is decent and it's stable, but I dread every single Monday.
43:27
SPEAKER_00: Everyone is telling me to be grateful because this economy is bad.
43:31
SPEAKER_00: Like I get it, but also is this it?
43:35
SPEAKER_00: How do I even know if I should stay or if I should go?
43:39
SPEAKER_00: I say this with love.
43:41
SPEAKER_00: So, for starters, um, the people are not lying.
43:44
SPEAKER_00: This economy is terrible, but I do not agree with people telling you you should be grateful because people don't understand what work stress can do to you.
43:56
SPEAKER_00: I used to work for the technology.
44:00
SPEAKER_00: Tesla, the owner of Tesla.
44:05
SPEAKER_00: And um, this was back before the Cybertruck came out, before Model 3 came out, like when everybody was riding Tesla, right?
44:17
SPEAKER_00: And every time people heard I worked at Tesla, it was like, oh my god, you work at Tesla?
44:23
SPEAKER_00: Like, people just were blowing me, right?
44:26
SPEAKER_00: Um, but working at Tesla literally almost killed me from stress, from mental health leaves, because I got so depressed that I was detaching from reality.
44:40
SPEAKER_00: And because I got to such a place because we were looked at as numbers, and I'm dealing with people in the factory who are usually a lot of black and brown people looking at me crazy because I'm going into the corporate office, so I'm dealing with shit on both sides, um, almost killed me.
45:01
SPEAKER_00: And people are telling me, like, I'm so lucky to be at this job.
45:06
SPEAKER_00: Nobody's walking in your shoes.
45:08
SPEAKER_00: So, all that to say, you are in a good situation for having a job in this economy.
45:15
SPEAKER_00: I can say that.
45:17
SPEAKER_00: But getting another job right now is not impossible.
45:21
SPEAKER_00: And in terms of you knowing when you should stay or when you should go, you know, it's time to get up out of there.
45:29
SPEAKER_00: Start looking for other jobs.
45:31
SPEAKER_00: Do you know what it is about this job that is causing the issue?
45:37
SPEAKER_00: Because it's important to identify what that is so that you don't jump out the pan into the fire.
45:42
SPEAKER_00: You know, like you don't want to leave this place and go right to a very similar situation at another company.
45:50
SPEAKER_00: So identify what the issues are that you're coming up against, and then do your research on where you want to be next, the industry you want to be in, the company, go on Glassdoor, read the reviews, see what people are saying about the company.
46:06
SPEAKER_00: Like, do your due diligence before you just jump ship, and do not jump until you have something lined up.
46:13
SPEAKER_00: This is not the time to just be jumping without no situation.
46:18
SPEAKER_00: If it's that dire, go on leave.
46:21
SPEAKER_00: Don't exhaust all options before you jump.
46:26
SPEAKER_00: You go see you a therapist, a psychiatrist, and let them see how bad your mental health is because of this job, they will put you on leave and disability.
46:37
SPEAKER_00: So, look, look at all your options, but you know it's time to go.
46:42
SPEAKER_00: It's time to go.
46:44
SPEAKER_00: If it was like a restaurant and you were miserable every time you came, would you still show up?
46:50
SPEAKER_00: Like, you know it's time to go.
46:52
SPEAKER_00: So do your research, get up out of there, but not until you got the next opportunity lined up.
46:59
SPEAKER_00: I can't stress this enough.
47:03
SPEAKER_00: But yeah.
47:05
SPEAKER_00: Leave.
47:05
SPEAKER_00: You shouldn't be dreading Monday.
47:07
SPEAKER_00: Like, no, that's just that's bad for your health, man.
47:10
SPEAKER_00: I know.
47:11
SPEAKER_00: All right, y'all.
47:13
SPEAKER_00: That is it for this episode.
47:15
SPEAKER_00: I gotta get up out of here because I I'm hungry, and that's a boundary that I got with myself.
47:21
SPEAKER_00: I done went too long without eating, and now look at me, starving on camera.
47:26
SPEAKER_00: Such a shame.
47:27
SPEAKER_00: But as a reminder, make sure y'all following us on the socials, hitting the email with all inquiries, visiting the tiny URL link for I Say This With Love Submissions, and follow us on the Patreon, please.
47:39
SPEAKER_00: Otherwise, I'm gonna have to start stripping or slanging, and y'all want me to do that because it's gonna be real hard for me to be on camera.
47:46
SPEAKER_00: So help me help y'all.
47:48
SPEAKER_00: You know what I'm saying?
47:50
SPEAKER_00: No, all jokes aside, there's a lot of good content and things on there that you will get that you will not be getting on the episode.
47:59
SPEAKER_00: So check it out, see if it's worth your while.
48:02
SPEAKER_00: But it's all up there for y'all to check out and explore.
48:06
SPEAKER_00: If this message, this episode, this conversation resonated with you, or you know somebody who could use this conversation because maybe they need some boundaries.
48:17
SPEAKER_00: Send it to it.
48:18
SPEAKER_00: Ways in which y'all can support the platform, make us get larger so that we can do more with the platform, get more guests, have a larger reach.
48:27
SPEAKER_00: Make sure you are following us, subscribing, liking, sharing, getting the word out, commenting, engaging, like that's how this works.
48:39
SPEAKER_00: Um, so that we can spread this message and all the messages and episodes and topics that we've had so far.
48:47
SPEAKER_00: Because that's what it's about.
48:48
SPEAKER_00: I'm trying to spread the love.
48:50
SPEAKER_00: So help me do so.
48:52
SPEAKER_00: But I appreciate y'all.
48:54
SPEAKER_00: And as always, I'm RJ.
48:57
SPEAKER_00: This is the Alive I Guest podcast, and I'll see y'all same time next week.
49:03
SPEAKER_00: I'm a little busket.
49:05
SPEAKER_00: I'm a little business.
49:08
SPEAKER_00: I'm a little busket.