Latest / The Mental Healness Podcast / The Secret Thought Process of a Narcissist during an Argument

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The Secret Thought Process of a Narcissist during an Argument · The Mental Healness Podcast

• 0:00
  When we're in the middle of a blowout fight and you're crying
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  asking me why don't you care? I'm not actually thinking about
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  your pain. As a diagnosed narcissist, I'm
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  going to tell you the three things that are actually running
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  through my head in that moment. The first y'all is the power
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  dynamic. First, I'm calculating.
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  I'm not hearing your words. I'm looking for the moment you
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  break. Because if you're crying, it
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  means I'm still in control of the emotional temperature in the
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  room. Like I'm in control, I'm still
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  in charge. It's not about being right
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  anymore, it's about not losing control.
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  So the power dynamic is so important to narcissists like
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  myself because as long as I have power, as long as I have
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  control, it means that I'm on the right track.
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  When I start to lose control, that's when things start to
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  bother me. That's when things start to
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  actually get inside of my head. It might actually do a little
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  damage to me, right? Because like, This is why it's
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  so important to control your reactions when you're dealing
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  with a narcissistic person. Because someone like myself, I'm
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  looking for you to react. That's why I preach and I tell
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  people. That's why I tell so many
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  people. Control your emotions, y'all?
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  You absolutely have to because your emotions are feeding me.
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  Your emotions are giving me the energy, they're giving me the
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  strength, they're giving me what I need.
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  Your emotions, you're over the top emotions.
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  You're sometimes you're genuine reactions are giving me power.
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  They are giving me validation. You want to talk about
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  narcissistic supply? That's what you're giving me in
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  this moment right here. That's literally what you're
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  doing. You're feeding me narcissistic
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  supply. And I know when I say that
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  people are going to hate, they like, well, I'm giving you
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  narcissistic supply. I don't want to do that.
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  Of course. Yeah, of course you don't.
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  Why would you? Why would you want to give me
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  narcissistic supply? What is that getting you?
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  What are you getting from it other than me smiling or me
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  smirking or me just looking at you directly into your face?
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  And just like, why we just doing this right here, right?
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  That's why it's so important, y'all, to control those
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  emotions. Do not give me that emotional
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  reaction because if you give it to me, you lose.
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  You absolutely do. I know to y'all, it's not about
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  winning or losing. It's about coming to some type
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  of consensus. It's about coming to some type
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  of like, really, it's like trying to come to some type of
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  compromise. But for me, it's not about
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  compromise. It's about wins and losses.
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  It's about power and control. It's about who's in charge here.
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  And I want to be in charge. So if you're crying, if you're
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  screaming at me, if you're yelling at me, guess what?
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  I feel like I'm winning here. So you don't want me to win.
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  I know you don't look again. I know you don't look at it in
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  terms of wins and losses, but if you want to get inside the mind
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  of a narcissist, you kind of have to start looking at it that
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  way, right? You kind of have to start
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  gripping it that way, just peeking, take it look, taking a
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  little peek at it. You know me at that way.
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  Because if you don't, I'm winning.
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  I'm smiling, I'm smirking, I'm smirking at you while you're
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  crying. You want to know why I smirk?
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  Because you're crying. Because you're giving me
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  everything that I've been seeking.
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  You give me everything that I've been needing.
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  Right now, with your tears, with your emotions, you're doing
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  exactly what I want you to be doing.
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  That's why it's so important to control your reactions, right?
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  It really, truly is. And also, I'll be on the point.
• 3:21
  Make sure you check out my website mentalillness.net for
• 3:23
  all my coaching, my courses and everything y'all.
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  The second thing that I am thinking during this time, doing
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  this blowout argument, the number two thing that I'm
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  thinking, it's about the power. No, it's about the other shame
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  shield. Sorry, the shame shield.
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  Like I'm rewriting the script in this moment, right?
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  Every time you bring up something I did, my brain is
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  automatically flipping it to something that you did.
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  What about what you did? What about how?
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  What about that thing you did 10 years ago, right?
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  What about how, what about this? What about that?
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  The what about isms are coming from somewhere.
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  Like it's literally a reflex to protect myself from the shame of
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  being the bad guy. I don't want to be the bad guy.
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  If I can somehow make you the villain, I don't have to feel
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  the guilt. I don't have to feel the shame.
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  I don't have to feel any of that because I put it, I pass it on
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  to you, right? It's it's like a contagion.
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  I passed. I caught it like a cold.
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  I caught the shame cold and I passed it on to you.
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  You now have it. We're look, we're all infected.
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  Rick Grimes Walking Dead season 1.
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  I think it's season 1. We're all infected.
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  What did I forgot the doctors man.
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  I haven't seen Walking Dead in years, but it's like we're all
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  infected. What did he say?
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  Weird times and might have died. Let's see, I might make season
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  2. That's the end of season 2 at
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  the after he after he did what he what he did to Shane and
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  Shane came back. But yeah, it's about literally
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  y'all shielding myself from shame.
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  It really is like narcissistic people.
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  We I can be the bad guy. I don't want to look like the
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  bad guy. I don't want to be perceived as
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  a bad guy. So the quickest, most efficient
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  way for me to not not look like the bad guy is for me to make
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  you out to be the villain. That's why the what about Isms
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  are running rampant. That's why I say what about what
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  you did? That's why I'm constantly
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  holding on to the past, right? That's why I'm constantly and
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  consistently putting it on to you.
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  I'm putting whatever I have done.
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  I'm putting whatever has went down on to you.
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  This is somehow your fault. This situation is on you.
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  What about what you did 10 years ago?
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  And I know it might not even be something valid.
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  It might not be anything valid right now in this moment.
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  But for me it is because I'm again go back to .1.
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  It's about power and control. I'm trying to get more power.
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  I'm trying to get more control in this situation.
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  I really, really, truly AM. So that case right there, as I'm
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  moving forward, as I'm doing this in my mind, I'm flipping
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  it. The mental gymnastics, I'm
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  literally, I'm literally doing a mental cartwheel.
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  I'm doing a round off cartwheel into a Simone Biles routine in
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  my mind to pass the blame on to you in some way, shape or form.
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  It's also on you. You did this, you did that.
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  I'm trying to protect myself. This is what I'm doing, right?
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  So you, if you ever been in a relationship with a narcissist
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  or you've been arguing with a narcissist like This is why they
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  put it on to you. This is why I have to get it
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  away. You go.
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  Shame for me is a great provocation.
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  I hate feeling shame because shame to me means I've violated
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  some type of rules that I've set for myself and now I'm the bad
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  guy. I don't want to be the bad guy.
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  I want you to be the bad guy. So if you're the bad guy, I feel
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  better, even if I've done something wrong, I can lessen
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  that by putting some of it onto you, pass it on to you.
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  I don't want it. The Floyd look, the shame is
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  lava. I'm putting it onto you.
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  That's really, that's really where it goes, y'all.
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  That's really where it goes. Like and they, they won't stop
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  doing this because they don't feel, they don't feel the need
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  to stop doing this. We don't feel the need to stop
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  doing this type of stuff right here, y'all.
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  And the next thing y'all the like the next thing I just said
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  is goes on in the mind of a narcissist doing a knockout
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  blowout argument or whatever is the disconnect leader
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  disconnect. What the hell is that?
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  Look, think about it like think about it like this.
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  I'm bored. Like we're arguing, we're you're
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  yelling, we're screaming, but I'm bored.
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  I know, I know that that sounds harsh, but when the emotion gets
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  too high, I literally literally mentally check out.
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  It's kind of like OK, I push pause of my feelings and I check
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  out and that's what I do. Like I mentally emotionally
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  check out and now I'm wondering like how long this is going to
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  take so I can go back to feeling normal Because I normal for me,
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  like it's really weird. Feeling normal for me is like,
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  it's not chaos, but it's like it's controlled chaos.
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  There's always something going on inside of my mind, but it's
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  not this highly emotional stuff. It's not this back and forth
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  argument. It's not this type of stuff
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  right here. Normal for me is being in
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  control. Normal for me is feeling safe
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  and safety for me. It's kind of crazy, right?
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  So I'm wondering how long it's going to take, take take for me
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  to get back to this stasis, to get back to this normal feeling,
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  right? Which is kind of crazy.
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  This is why sometimes, like I'm emotionally disconnected, This
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  is why I would give you a blank stare.
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  That cold blank stare when you're crying and screaming and
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  begging them to listen. That cold blank stare while
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  you're yelling, wanting your feelings to be heard, wanting to
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  be validated. That cold blank stare while
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  they're just looking at you like this and you're screaming and
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  begging for a connection. You're screaming and begging for
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  them to communicate with you. That's why I give it to you.
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  Y'all literally I'm disconnected.
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  I'm not there. I had look, I can't process all
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  of this stuff. So I have to take a back seat to
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  this. I have to take a back seat to it
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  because I don't I can't handle it.
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  And sometimes this is when the narcissistic part takes over
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  like the normal, I would say the normal part of me takes a back
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  seat to the narcissistic part of me, right.
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  And when that happens, you get you get a lot.
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  It's kind of like I just thought about this job.
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  It's kind of like being in standby mode, like ATV, you
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  know, the TV is like still on. You know, if you turn the TV
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  off, it's like the orange light is still on sometimes because
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  it's it's in standby mode, it's not really off or it's got like
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  a PlayStation as well. Like you can turn the
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  PlayStation all way off or you can put it in the rest mode,
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  standby mode, right? You can still look, you can
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  still get the downloads and stuff like that.
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  You can still you can still charge your controllers it's in
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  stem the narcissist me in this situation, I'm in standby mode
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  right now. Oh oh, what has going on?
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  You say I've taken a back seat to this right here, like I still
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  I'm still listening, I'm still can process I'm still look I'm
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  still charging, but I'm in standby mode right now and
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  that's typically what happens right there.
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  Y'all seriously, and I just like when you get into that mindset
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  of somebody who operates like this of somebody who you get
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  into my mind and see how it works in those situations.
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  It will like it won't. It might not make you feel
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  better in a moment, but sometimes I think understanding
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  can be like keep taking your power back.
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  And that's why y'all watch my channel, right?
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  Because you want to understand the mind of a narcissist.
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  I'm going to get more in depth y'all.
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  I feel like I get, I've been running.
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  I feel like recently I've been running away from just
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  narcissism just in my mind because I feel like I'm working
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  on myself. I don't use the I use day, but I
• 11:01
  I used to do this stuff. So I'm get more into like me.
• 11:03
  I my perspective in situations like that is mean Lee Hammocks
• 11:06
  perspective in situations like this, me telling my own stories
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  and whatnot. Y'all seriously, Because that's
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  why. Like the only way to stop the
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  cycle is to understand that you're actively in the cycle.
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  How you stop the cycle of narcissistic abuse if you don't
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  understand that you're actually in it if you don't understand.
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  I feel like understanding from my perspective can help so many
• 11:24
  people out, which is why again, Ioffer my coaching, my courses
• 11:28
  and everything else and my website yallmentalillness.net.
• 11:32
  And y'all, I just bought mental illness.com today.
• 11:36
  I just got the domain name today.
• 11:38
  Like I've been looking for it for years.
• 11:41
  Y'all make the crazy. I paid $300.00 for it today.
• 11:44
  Years ago I offered the owner like over $1000 for it because
• 11:47
  it made my life easier. They didn't declined it and
• 11:50
  today I just had me searching for and got mental illness.com
• 11:54
  for $300 like damn that was crazy and they were selling it
• 12:01
  anyways, y'all, I truly appreciate every single one of
• 12:03
  y'all being here. Hit that subscribe button and
• 12:05
  let's make let's make next year the best year possible.
• 12:08
  Y'all. Also, I'm not I'm I'm probably
• 12:10
  taking a step back from uploading every single day.
• 12:11
  I'm going probably going to do 5-4 or five times a week now.
• 12:15
  So might not get a video every single day, but the longer
• 12:18
  podcast is coming to y'all and I'm out.
• 12:20
  Peace.