Latest / Dear Divorce Diary: A Fresh Approach To Healing Grief & Building A Life Of Confidence After Divorce / 253. Hair Falling Out, Hearts Breaking & Faking It For Survival: Why Women Endure Broken Marriages Over Divorce

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253. Hair Falling Out, Hearts Breaking & Faking It For Survival: Why Women Endure Broken Marriages Over Divorce · Dear Divorce Diary: A Fresh Approach To Healing Grief & Building A Life Of Confidence After Divorce

• 0:49
  Speaker 1: People think that I stayed for the kids.
• 0:52
  Speaker 1: I didn't.
• 0:53
  Speaker 1: It was really complicated.
• 0:55
  Speaker 1: I didn't leave sooner because I was scared of losing the health insurance.
• 0:59
  Speaker 1: I stayed because I was on anxiety meds and needed needed the weekly therapy.
• 1:05
  Speaker 1: I was terrified that if I left I'd unravel.
• 1:21
  Speaker 1: Hi, love, Welcome to Dear Divorce Diary, the podcast helping divorcees go beyond talk therapy to process your grief, find the healing you crave and build back your confidence.
• 1:26
  Speaker 1: I'm your host, Dawn Wiggins, a therapist, coach, integrative healer and divorcee.
• 1:32
  Speaker 1: Join me for a fresh approach to healing grief and building your confidence after divorce.
• 1:36
  Speaker 1: You are going to love this episode.
• 1:47
  Speaker 1: Just some of the highlights are when producer Joy tells us about how she couldn't get out of bed for days at a time and was losing her hair just post separation.
• 1:57
  Speaker 1: Coach Tiffany tells us a story of what happens in the airplane hangar when military men come back from deployment and the wives in the back of the room that have the folders in their hand.
• 2:07
  Speaker 1: We talk about, if we were doing it all over again, the homeopathic remedies we would choose, and at the very end we have a listener shout out you don't want to miss it, Loves.
• 2:16
  Speaker 1: It is week two of our new Dear Divorce Diary reboot Fun story.
• 2:22
  Speaker 1: Last week, when we recorded our first episode with this new format, it was Mercury Retrograde and we had so many tech issues which I'm sure you could hear.
• 2:30
  Speaker 1: And it's just really interesting.
• 2:32
  Speaker 1: As we rolled in this morning and we plugged in the same tech, went through the same process, everything worked beautifully.
• 2:37
  Speaker 1: I was like, ladies, have you ever had such an obvious Mercury retrograde experience in your life?
• 2:44
  Speaker 1: We don't, I don't know.
• 2:46
  Speaker 1: Super interesting, right?
• 2:48
  Speaker 1: Mercury retrograde actually affects technology.
• 2:49
  Speaker 1: Like that's the thing.
• 2:50
  Speaker 1: It's like double check your text message.
• 2:52
  Speaker 1: Don't press send on the email unless you're super sure.
• 2:54
  Speaker 1: Like it's the time when, oh, like did the Coldplay thing happen during Mercury Retrograde?
• 2:59
  Speaker 1: It's like a tech right, Like that.
• 3:00
  Speaker 1: Like that is a Mercury Retrograde experience, All right.
• 3:04
  Speaker 1: So welcome producer Joy, Welcome coach Tiffany.
• 3:08
  Speaker 2: Good morning.
• 3:28
  Speaker 1: Good morning sort of fear around unraveling right the kids piece, sure, like I think a lot of us have said.
• 3:34
  Speaker 1: We've heard so many people say you know they stayed for the kids.
• 3:37
  Speaker 1: I know that's what a lot of what my mom said, but it's way more complex than that and I think we have a lot of stories to tell about that.
• 3:46
  Speaker 1: Okay, so when I was getting divorced, I had been diagnosed for a couple of years with cluster headaches and I for sure, was medically dependent on health insurance.
• 3:59
  Speaker 1: And that was in a day where preexisting conditions were still a really big deal.
• 4:02
  Speaker 1: So literal health insurance was a problem for me and I was often in and out of the hospital, and so it was a really big deal for me to get divorced and not know sort of how I wasn't close to my family.
• 4:16
  Speaker 1: I wasn't sure how I was going to literally actually care for myself, a financially but B physically, when I was sick.
• 4:23
  Speaker 1: A lot of times I was up in the night.
• 4:25
  Speaker 1: It was a really, really dark time.
• 4:26
  Speaker 1: But I also think I was so disassociated that I was just sort of like I'll just figure it out.
• 4:33
  Speaker 1: But I can also acknowledge that my ex didn't fight me on a lot of stuff.
• 4:38
  Speaker 1: So had I had to deal with that, had I had to contend with additional conflict like a high conflict divorce, maybe I wouldn't have had the bandwidth to do it.
• 4:47
  Speaker 1: I sort of got this big shot of courage around the divorce proceeding and I was like I'll just start my own practice and sort of all of this, right, I'll just move to the beach and buy a convertible and all the things.
• 4:59
  Speaker 1: And I did all of that and it was sort of actually after that was all executed that I started panicking.
• 5:05
  Speaker 1: It was like I leaped first and looked second and then like literally spent like many, many weeks panicking about what I had done after the fact.
• 5:15
  Speaker 1: So I almost like lived through a reverse of this, but I was for sure already in a very collapsed state when I left.
• 5:25
  Speaker 1: I think that very often when we think about if I leave, I'll unravel, it's more.
• 5:30
  Speaker 1: It's so much more than financial.
• 5:32
  Speaker 1: It's so much more than how am I going to manage the kids.
• 5:34
  Speaker 1: I think for most women we're already in somewhat of a collapsed adrenal state, a collapsed hormonal state.
• 5:41
  Speaker 1: There are so many women who I know are listening right now that are in artificial perimenopause.
• 5:48
  Speaker 1: Menopause has come too early because of the adrenal fatigue and the adrenal burnout, women going through menopause who are getting divorced.
• 5:55
  Speaker 1: And it's like 10X worse because when you don't have balanced hormonal health, you don't have mental health, and taking on a trauma of this magnitude feels impossible.
• 6:09
  Speaker 1: So it's really interesting how divorce hits women differently than men because we don't have the same capacity.
• 6:18
  Speaker 1: Typically this isn't always the case, right, but from a health standpoint, from a hormonal standpoint, from a childcare standpoint and then very often from a financial standpoint right From a capacity to earn and provide, it's just really an uphill battle for women.
• 6:39
  Speaker 2: My marriage was very much a marriage of appearances.
• 6:40
  Speaker 2: You know, being to someone in the military, being married to him, you know he had a very successful military career and he was on a lot of deployments and you know he was higher ranking.
• 6:48
  Speaker 2: You know he even got a bronze medal from George Bush personally.
• 6:52
  Speaker 2: You know there were balls to attend, there were expectations and things that we needed to live by as a couple and we would actually counsel other military couples about their marriages and the state of their marriages and I remember looking back at that and thinking if I leave, I'm going to blow everything up.
• 7:11
  Speaker 2: Literally, I'm going to blow everything up If I leave.
• 7:13
  Speaker 2: I'm going to blow everything up.
• 7:14
  Speaker 2: Literally, I'm going to blow everything up.
• 7:15
  Speaker 2: And all of these people that have looked to us as an example and look to us as everything, the only person that really knew what was going on, you know, were my mom and my best friend at the time, and that was it.
• 7:23
  Speaker 2: I didn't tell anybody about what I was dealing with, so there was almost this thing of being seen as a fraud.
• 7:28
  Speaker 2: Like, if I walk out right now, people, you know what's everybody going to think about me?
• 7:32
  Speaker 2: Number two how is it going to affect his career?
• 7:34
  Speaker 2: Right, I remember if no one has ever had an experience in the military, when the guys come back from deployments, it's this great big celebration and they call you into an airplane hangar and you watch the plane land and they file in and it's this big processional thing and it's very impactful, like it's freaking amazing to watch and experience that.
• 7:51
  Speaker 2: But there were always these wives in the back of the room holding folders and everyone knew what it was.
• 7:56
  Speaker 2: They were the wives waiting to serve their husbands when they got off the plane with divorce papers, right.
• 8:00
  Speaker 2: No shit, yeah.
• 8:01
  Speaker 2: So that was a fucking thing.
• 8:05
  Speaker 2: Right, I became one of those wives, yeah, but I left during a deployment, which was a terrible thing, because when the guys are down range and the wives leave, they're put on suicide watch.
• 8:19
  Speaker 2: They cannot have their weapons, they cannot report to the active field, so they're basically sitting there until they get cleared.
• 8:25
  Speaker 2: You know psychiatrically that they're safe enough to go back into battle.
• 8:29
  Speaker 2: So I knew by me leaving, especially during a time of deployment, that that was going to be a huge thing.
• 8:35
  Speaker 2: But I didn't feel like I had any other choice.
• 8:38
  Speaker 1: That's that self-abandonment piece right.
• 8:40
  Speaker 1: It's like how long do I self-abandon before I decide to face how this is going to feel?
• 8:47
  Speaker 3: Yeah.
• 8:47
  Speaker 2: Yeah, no-transcript, but it had to be at the right time.
• 9:22
  Speaker 1: I'm watching this with a dear friend of mine right now who's trying to figure out, who's trying to be very strategic in her exit right, because I think so often it has to do with finances or abuse.
• 9:32
  Speaker 1: You know that if you're not strategic about it, what's it going to unleash inside of him, whether it's to do with abuse, or financial abuse or substance abuse or right like, if I'm not strategic enough, what is going to be the downstream consequence?
• 9:50
  Speaker 1: And when you don't have all of your own money right, when you don't have your own financial resource, I think it really shifts something in your mind about confidence or capacity to leave feeling like you don't have control or a way to provide for yourself.
• 10:06
  Speaker 1: It's really.
• 10:07
  Speaker 1: It causes a freeze right.
• 10:09
  Speaker 1: It's really paralyzing paralyzing.
• 10:12
  Speaker 2: I had this conversation with my mom just two weeks ago when I was there, and she said, tiffany, I remember you calling me and saying I have to do something and I have to have a plan because I can't come back there meaning there, to where I was from Because if I do I will never get out.
• 10:29
  Speaker 2: And she's like I remember those words and I thought my, my god and my mom was terrified for me.
• 10:33
  Speaker 2: You know, because instead of choosing to go back with family, I chose to move, like, even further away.
• 10:39
  Speaker 2: That's how you ended up in Myrtle because you knew you couldn't go back and you knew you couldn't stay where you were right yeah, and so there was this period, and when I tell you guys that I hadn't worked in my marriage, but maybe the first three months, because most military wives don't work especially- when the kids are younger, you know because, especially in time of active deployment again, I'm talking almost 20 years ago, military, not present day.
• 11:02
  Speaker 2: I don't know what it's like now for these wives, but I know back then, when we were in a very active wartime, the wives didn't work because everything catered around the deployments and the guys were gone so much that the last thing you wanted to do was ruin the time at home, went working or whatever.
• 11:15
  Speaker 2: So I remember when I moved there, I had an associate's degree, but I hadn't worked in four years.
• 11:25
  Speaker 2: I had no clue what I was doing.
• 11:27
  Speaker 2: And so when I ended up moving to Myrtle, the pieces fell into place as far as me getting a place to stay, but I had no job.
• 11:34
  Speaker 2: The pieces fell into place as far as me getting a place to stay, but I had no job.
• 11:38
  Speaker 2: I had nothing.
• 11:40
  Speaker 1: I left my marriage with a car $6,000, and a dining room table.
• 11:43
  Speaker 1: How'd you put the?
• 11:45
  Speaker 3: dining room table in the car I ran a U-Haul.
• 11:47
  Speaker 2: I did run a U-Haul and I had some other stuff right and I did get a little bit of a storage unit, but I didn't have a lot of stuff.
• 11:56
  Speaker 2: I rented a furnished place down there and I just remember just this feeling of being terrified, of not being able to provide for my daughter and I didn't want to fall back on my parents because I knew if I went back to where my parents were, there was a part of me that was just going to not give up but just find excuses to not be the best mom that I possibly could, because I had all these other people who would step up and help me raise her.
• 12:16
  Speaker 2: And that's just not the mindset I was in.
• 12:17
  Speaker 2: And plus, I was stubborn as hell.
• 12:20
  Speaker 2: Like, let's be honest.
• 12:21
  Speaker 2: I mean, I'm still stubborn as hell in a lot of ways right and I just wanted to prove that.
• 12:24
  Speaker 2: I could fucking do it Like.
• 12:25
  Speaker 2: That's what I wanted to show everybody.
• 12:27
  Speaker 3: Right.
• 12:27
  Speaker 3: First of all, that gave me goosebumps.
• 12:30
  Speaker 3: Tiffany, I love that you were brave.
• 12:33
  Speaker 3: That's so brave enough for you to do and take your daughter and kind of step into.
• 12:37
  Speaker 3: This isn't how.
• 12:38
  Speaker 3: This is what I want an example of marriage to be for my daughter, so that's super empowering.
• 12:45
  Speaker 3: My experience was so debilitating because I had three, three and under excuse me, I had three, seven, and the twins were five when I kicked him out, right, so like I say he leaves, but I actually kicked him out, it was, but I I didn't get out of bed for days because I didn't know what to do and how do you go from?
• 13:08
  Speaker 3: And that shame that you feel right Like I protected him.
• 13:13
  Speaker 3: I knew, I knew the marriage that we had, but like nobody maybe, my best friend at the time, but I never verbalized it, I never talked about it because he was the good guy, he was the captain America.
• 13:28
  Speaker 3: There was like so there's obviously it's me, obviously I'm the problem, like there was so much shame in my marriage falling apart.
• 13:35
  Speaker 3: And my, how do I, how do I explain this to my girls when he's always the fun dad and he comes home and he plays with them and he's, you know, like Women would go, she's such a good dad and because he doesn't babysit your kids and like but in reality, like I knew, knew, but I didn't know like my body completely shut down.
• 13:57
  Speaker 3: I lost like 40 pounds in a month and a half.
• 14:00
  Speaker 3: I lost half my hair, like metabolically adrenal, like I had collapsed, collapsed.
• 14:06
  Speaker 3: Yeah, the divorce diet is real, ladies, it is real, okay, right because, like you throw up anything you eat, like your body cannot handle it.
• 14:14
  Speaker 3: It's so overloaded with all of the.
• 14:16
  Speaker 3: But I think what I, what I personally struggled with, was rectifying the man that I knew he really was versus the man he was acting, and so it was so hard for me to, because parts now I understand it's parts right.
• 14:38
  Speaker 3: But then this is all before, all my hard work and the education that I have and knowing my body, enough, right, but as the woman who, just who, is in fight or flight, it was completely polarized, like it is incredibly difficult to see through the fog.
• 14:59
  Speaker 3: Yeah, it's, it's impossible.
• 15:02
  Speaker 3: Like you just don't see it, you don't see how the way right to put one foot in front of the other, to rebuild.
• 15:11
  Speaker 3: You know, like it's just.
• 15:12
  Speaker 3: And then you grieve the life that you didn't, you never like you didn't really have, but everybody you had the fantasy, yeah right, yeah, yes, so.
• 15:24
  Speaker 1: So I remember sitting on my bedroom floor on the phone with you, Joy, for hours one day and we were talking about attachment styles, EMDR, but like boundaries, right, I kept saying.
• 15:40
  Speaker 1: I kept saying, okay, I'm willing to believe in him with you, but he's going to move at the pace of boundaries.
• 15:45
  Speaker 1: You have to be willing to let go in order to move forward.
• 15:49
  Speaker 3: Yeah, but it was I had to do that for me, right.
• 15:52
  Speaker 1: Like.
• 15:52
  Speaker 3: I had to know I was worthy of the boundaries and I was worthy of and do the hard work of like.
• 15:57
  Speaker 3: Okay, if I say this thing out loud, like it's gotta be rock solid.
• 16:03
  Speaker 1: I can't.
• 16:04
  Speaker 3: I can't be the person who yes, you can come over and visit the girls, Cause my girls were young at the time, so he would come to our home and I would leave, because that that disruption right.
• 16:18
  Speaker 3: Right.
• 16:18
  Speaker 3: So that worked out for us.
• 16:19
  Speaker 3: But so I had to be the one that was just like, okay, we're going to, we're going to maintain a visitation schedule and be able to maintain myself and work on myself and dig deep into how did I get here and how did this happen?
• 16:38
  Speaker 3: How am I being so transparent to all these people that I've been transparent with for a decade Fake transparent, didn't actually know.
• 16:46
  Speaker 3: Right right, but they were like weren't actually, and so it's a lot of like big conversations with friends of like no, this is actually how it was.
• 16:54
  Speaker 3: I just protected him, or protected us, or protected my children.
• 16:58
  Speaker 1: I relate to that so much.
• 16:59
  Speaker 3: You know like it was.
• 17:00
  Speaker 3: It's having those conversations of not no, I mean, it's true he loved my children and he was a good dad, but he wasn't a good father.
• 17:12
  Speaker 3: You know what I mean.
• 17:12
  Speaker 1: Like all these things, that kind of the parts, explaining the parts and understanding the parts myself and the parts within myself and working through all of that Mm-hmm within myself and and working through all of that, I think it's really interesting to consider how much self abandonment around the way we protect, protect how it looks right, ourselves and the marriage yeah, I think it's so interesting.
• 18:28
  Speaker 1: And then so much coverup Right.
• 18:29
  Speaker 1: I protected him for a long time and I still feel like I do even though it's you know X amount of years later.
• 18:35
  Speaker 2: like I still, I would have rather taken the fall in all of this than him lose his career, and that's what I was willing to do.
• 18:45
  Speaker 2: I was willing to sacrifice a reputation, sacrifice anything, to make sure that when I walked away it wasn't going to affect him adversely for everything that he had worked so hard for.
• 19:00
  Speaker 3: That's crazy.
• 19:01
  Speaker 3: I mean, tiffany, that's a layer, that it's got to be military we can't relate to.
• 19:08
  Speaker 3: Oh, absolutely Right yeah.
• 19:10
  Speaker 2: And I mean you know when you leave and I again I don't.
• 19:13
  Speaker 2: I'm not speaking to today's military community, but back then, when you left, I knew what leaving meant and it meant that all of my friends were not going to support me or help me move.
• 19:24
  Speaker 2: You know, I had one friend and shout out to her you know who you are, you are my.
• 19:28
  Speaker 2: Irish she carted her three children in a U-Haul with me and my child and helped me move, didn't care about appearances, didn't care how it looked.
• 19:38
  Speaker 2: Her and her husband were very supportive of me through this journey and they're still friends today of me.
• 19:43
  Speaker 2: But I lost everything.
• 19:48
  Speaker 2: I lost everything and it took me a really long time to rebuild.
• 19:52
  Speaker 2: And it was I don't know, it was it was a crazy experience.
• 20:04
  Speaker 1: I sort of love that about the experience, though Like because I think I am typically such a control freak, I would cling to things that were not good for me until I there was no choice.
• 20:11
  Speaker 1: I had no choice.
• 20:11
  Speaker 1: Like losing everything was sort of the reason I could start over like Phoenix style, right, it's like until it was all stripped I was still going to cling to something to avoid facing myself.
• 20:26
  Speaker 1: Does that make sense?
• 20:27
  Speaker 1: It was like in the losing of everything I could then really look at who I was, how I'd been living, what I needed, what right, a rebuild, like a total remodel, and I just often look back and think like dang, I am so stubborn, that's what it took, right.
• 20:48
  Speaker 1: But I think that most people experience that that it really takes being sort of out of options before we're really willing to look.
• 20:58
  Speaker 3: Yeah, yeah, I think that's like rock uh, rock bottom, like stripped, stripped away all of the comforts, all of the you know, all of that.
• 21:09
  Speaker 3: Illusions Right Right you know all of that Right, right, and so I do think that there is a power to being maybe not necessarily- at your lowest, but at your barest, at your rawest, and at your worst, honestly Like that's how I felt.
• 21:31
  Speaker 2: You know, and I have so many clients that struggle with the things that they did in their marriage or post marriage that they feel guilty about.
• 21:37
  Speaker 3: Yeah, oh yeah, that they acted in their marriage Right.
• 21:40
  Speaker 2: One hundred percent it's like they're with other partners and they're like I don't even recognize that person and I'm like isn't it interesting how people that we have trauma bonds to, or when our attachment style is not secure and we're reaching for people for different reasons, how out of character we can act in our marriage?
• 21:56
  Speaker 2: Whether it's infidelity, physical violence, emotional abuse like we can become nasty too 100 and then when we get out of that we're like is that me right?
• 22:07
  Speaker 2: I don't feel like that kind of partner inside.
• 22:09
  Speaker 2: I feel like I'm a loving, loyal person, more than one thing can be true, yes.
• 22:15
  Speaker 2: Yeah, but I also want to kick somebody's ass, Like I don't know, you know what I mean.
• 22:20
  Speaker 1: Yes, yes, it's like that level of anger.
• 22:22
  Speaker 1: Oh my goodness, have you ever listened to Carrie Underwood albums?
• 22:24
  Speaker 1: There is a whole lot of feisty girl stuff going on in there right.
• 22:29
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 22:31
  Speaker 1: Can we talk for a moment about women who are going through all of this that we're describing right Like if I left, if I leave, I'd unravel right?
• 22:39
  Speaker 1: Can we just talk about how most women out there are doing that without homeopathy and marvel at how that can be possible?
• 22:50
  Speaker 1: I mean, we did it without homeopathy, but if you could go back and do it again and make one change it would have been.
• 23:00
  Speaker 2: One change would definitely be the homeopathy.
• 23:01
  Speaker 2: The other change would I would have got my ass in therapy much sooner.
• 23:04
  Speaker 2: I would have done the EMDR, the IFS parts work, the somatics, like all of that.
• 23:08
  Speaker 2: But homeopathy and look, I'm somebody that was on antidepressants for over a decade Same you know they were my best friend and the results that I have gotten homeopathically you can't compare, it feels like I'm just stepping into myself, not that I'm being altered by something else, if that makes sense.
• 23:31
  Speaker 1: That's it, it's the it's.
• 23:32
  Speaker 1: That's what homeopathy does right it strips away all things that are not you you know, and it leaves like the purest vessel, you know.
• 23:40
  Speaker 1: But when you think about that collapsed state for instance, joy, right, when you were in bed for days and your hair was falling out and you were losing all this weight right, like homeopathy has an immediate answer to all of that.
• 23:50
  Speaker 1: So you have capacity, you know, and it's not an overnight thing and it doesn't mean that it's like a light switch and it's just easy.
• 23:57
  Speaker 1: Homeopathy isn't quote unquote, easy, but it's comprehensive and faster and it does things that therapy can never do.
• 24:06
  Speaker 1: And it's just so interesting to consider.
• 24:08
  Speaker 1: And that doesn't mean, right, I'm burning down all other modalities because we combine IFS and EMDR, right, and remineralization and proper nutrition and all of that, you know, but it's just so interesting.
• 24:22
  Speaker 1: If there's one thing, right, I could tell women about this collapsed state that I think most people are in when they're trying to make the decision to leave or get their strategy together.
• 24:32
  Speaker 1: Right, it's like you cannot ignore your body because it's the vessel that you're asking to execute on this strategy and it's so depleted and it doesn't have to be.
• 24:43
  Speaker 1: I think is is the theme, right, it doesn't have to be this hard.
• 24:48
  Speaker 1: We've gotten so used to it being this hard and it doesn't have to be, which is why I love how we approach it, cause we do it so differently than a sort of any other program I know of.
• 25:00
  Speaker 2: Well, even the IFS work that I do with people like that is my obsession.
• 25:05
  Speaker 2: I'm on fire about IFS because every single person is different in their work.
• 25:10
  Speaker 2: Every single session that I have with an individual person is different in their work and for me, the IFS work tells the story of why.
• 25:21
  Speaker 1: And.
• 25:21
  Speaker 2: I feel like so many women are staying on this stagnant place in their divorce journey, where they don't understand the cycles, and so they're frozen and afraid to move forward because they're afraid of making a mistake.
• 25:31
  Speaker 2: They can't trust their intuition, they can't trust themselves and they can.
• 25:35
  Speaker 2: They can't so through the IFS work.
• 25:37
  Speaker 2: It's explaining.
• 25:38
  Speaker 2: This is why this is the answer.
• 25:40
  Speaker 2: It's like a roadmap for all of your shit and it's going to tell you how to trust yourself.
• 25:45
  Speaker 2: It's going to trust you how to get to the earth.
• 25:47
  Speaker 2: Teach you how to get to the places that you want to be.
• 25:49
  Speaker 2: Like all of that.
• 25:53
  Speaker 3: I love.
• 25:53
  Speaker 3: I love the IFS piece that um cause all of that, but for me it's like IFS was able to give myself grace, like it's a part of me and like step into the truth of I am the.
• 26:08
  Speaker 3: I am a gracious, loving, loyal, kind person, but I'm also this person too and I, this person, needs to be seen and be held as much as this person does.
• 26:19
  Speaker 3: More, more, right we right.
• 26:22
  Speaker 3: Like it's okay for me to be, to have to have needs.
• 26:27
  Speaker 3: That's not a good way to put it.
• 26:28
  Speaker 3: It's okay for me to need to be seen as well.
• 26:31
  Speaker 3: Right?
• 26:31
  Speaker 3: That doesn't make me selfish.
• 26:33
  Speaker 3: I liked.
• 26:34
  Speaker 3: I liked the IFS sphere right, like it's all of it.
• 26:38
  Speaker 3: It's not just this, the broken pieces of you.
• 26:41
  Speaker 3: You get to hold all of it.
• 26:43
  Speaker 2: And I I love that joy because I feel like, as women specifically, we are taught to push away all of the negative things that don't fit in our family standards, our society standards.
• 26:53
  Speaker 2: So IFS is a way to repair all of that and to look at all of the negative things that don't fit in our family standards, our society standards.
• 26:54
  Speaker 2: So IFS is a way to repair all of that and to look at all of those parts of ourselves that want to make us cringe and push away and say no, like I need to love that part of myself because she's just as important as the normal way that's like the answer that's the answer right Is learning to love and accept and hold grace for so.
• 27:14
  Speaker 1: This weekend we were playing Mario Party Jamboree and I'm such a law of attraction junkie it's next level.
• 27:23
  Speaker 2: I have to know what character you were real quick.
• 27:25
  Speaker 2: What's?
• 27:25
  Speaker 1: your go-to Mario Party character.
• 27:27
  Speaker 1: Oh, good call.
• 27:28
  Speaker 2: Peach.
• 27:28
  Speaker 2: Okay, I'm Yoshi Joy.
• 27:30
  Speaker 2: Do you play?
• 27:31
  Speaker 2: Grace loves Yoshi.
• 27:33
  Speaker 3: I like the.
• 27:34
  Speaker 3: It's like the the crystal peach.
• 27:36
  Speaker 3: She's rose gold or something.
• 27:39
  Speaker 3: Yeah, yeah, yeah, rose gold peach.
• 27:40
  Speaker 3: I love her too, I can.
• 27:43
  Speaker 1: I can be known to like win a game because a I'm super competitive, but B I I use the law of attraction to approach everything Right.
• 27:50
  Speaker 1: And so we played in the morning and I was like in a super good mood and so it's easy to win then.
• 27:55
  Speaker 1: And then we played in the evening and I was not in a good mood.
• 27:58
  Speaker 1: My how things can fall apart so quickly.
• 28:00
  Speaker 1: So last night we're playing and I start off and I'm like fourth right, like I'm coming from the back and I'm having all these feelings and normally I'll rely on high vibe strategies to like affect how my dice roll or like how I make my decisions or whatever right, like it's bananas.
• 28:21
  Speaker 1: How much I use Law of Attraction just to play freaking Jamboree, okay.
• 28:24
  Speaker 1: But long story longer.
• 28:26
  Speaker 1: I was doing parts work internally while we were playing last night because I was having such intense internally emotions and I was really trying to filter it for my family's sake as much as possible and I pivoted like I'm.
• 28:42
  Speaker 1: I worked on something last night that I think has been like decades coming loves.
• 28:47
  Speaker 1: But I was like okay, I'm having really big feelings and I am going to approach these the way I approach cluster headaches, like everything is working out for me, having really big feelings, and I am going to approach these the way I approach cluster headaches Like everything is working out for me.
• 28:56
  Speaker 1: These really big feelings are for me, they're not against me.
• 28:59
  Speaker 1: The fact that I'm having really big feelings does not mean that I have to lose this game.
• 29:03
  Speaker 1: I can use these really big feelings to my advantage to win this game.
• 29:06
  Speaker 1: And so then I would you like, punch in the air to get your dice block, or whatever you're rolling, I don't know Right.
• 29:12
  Speaker 1: And so I'm like, okay, I'm going to use these really big feelings, and this is all inside, and I'm going to have the perfect role, and then I would go, and then whatever, and wouldn't you know it, like I freaking, came from behind and at some point had like seven stars.
• 29:24
  Speaker 1: And so the point of that story is we are so afraid of being judged or feeling our own feelings or that right.
• 29:36
  Speaker 1: Like we resist, we avoid, we bypass.
• 29:42
  Speaker 3: And it's like we facade.
• 29:44
  Speaker 1: Yes, if we could like in that moment, for me to understand that I could use all of those feelings for good, all those painful feelings could benefit me.
• 29:52
  Speaker 1: It just created a deeper level of self-acceptance and a lack of resistance inside of my own body, right Like, oh, I'm feeling some big feelings right now.
• 30:00
  Speaker 1: Cool Instead of gross.
• 30:03
  Speaker 1: Right, it's like that's peace To be able to feel it all, hold it all, accept it all and trust that it can like life is still going to be even more amazing and that all the tools are just waiting around the corner for us and man just let it in.
• 30:20
  Speaker 1: You know.
• 30:22
  Speaker 3: Yeah, for sure, don.
• 30:24
  Speaker 3: You were just talking about homeopathy and what a game changer it is for women in this, in this particular season.
• 30:32
  Speaker 3: We did it the hard, all three of us did it the hard way without homeopathy.
• 30:36
  Speaker 3: Right like we.
• 30:37
  Speaker 3: We did the grind, but like zero stars.
• 30:39
  Speaker 1: Do not recommend.
• 30:41
  Speaker 3: No, not at all if you, if you could say to the woman who is in this fight or fight freezing in her bed, like what would be a recommendation, you would have to even just start homeopathy.
• 30:56
  Speaker 3: Where do you even start?
• 30:58
  Speaker 3: To this woman.
• 30:59
  Speaker 1: Obviously, having your case taken is where you get the most profound transformation.
• 31:03
  Speaker 1: But I am a big fan of people trying shit.
• 31:06
  Speaker 1: All of this is out there for you.
• 31:09
  Speaker 1: Don't let gatekeepers tell you you can't use the things.
• 31:13
  Speaker 1: I think there are two remedies that come to mind for this particular moment in time.
• 31:17
  Speaker 1: Is out there for you.
• 31:17
  Speaker 1: Like, don't let gatekeepers tell you you can't, you know, use the things.
• 31:19
  Speaker 1: I think there are two remedies that come to mind for this particular moment in time, maybe three.
• 31:22
  Speaker 1: I think one is Califos.
• 31:25
  Speaker 1: It's a nerve remedy, it and it comes in a cell salt too.
• 31:26
  Speaker 1: You've heard me talk about cell salts and I'm a big fan of bioplasma.
• 31:28
  Speaker 1: Like 12 and one cell salts, I think, is a really important thing in this season of life because you're demineralized, you're burnt out, right.
• 31:35
  Speaker 1: So a cell salt is a really basic 12 and one bioplasma highlands Great.
• 31:40
  Speaker 1: You could find it on Amazon.
• 31:41
  Speaker 1: I'm happy to send anybody these links or stick them in the show notes.
• 31:43
  Speaker 1: I think Califos in a 30 C is a really great one for just tired and wired, and then I think sepia 30 C or 200 C is fantastic.
• 31:53
  Speaker 1: That's for the woman who is so burnt out of giving she just wants to crawl in a hole and and be in a hole right, she is angry, she is agitated, she's overstimulated and she just wants to hide so very badly.
• 32:09
  Speaker 1: And that's sepia.
• 32:10
  Speaker 1: And I know sepia has been a game changer for all three of us.
• 32:14
  Speaker 1: For sure it's coach Tiffany's favorite.
• 32:18
  Speaker 2: It's my favorite, it's not necessarily the one.
• 32:21
  Speaker 2: Sepia is a game changer.
• 32:24
  Speaker 2: I don't want to rage.
• 32:24
  Speaker 2: It's not necessarily the one you need most but it's your favorite one yeah it is.
• 32:28
  Speaker 3: Yeah, fun fact, I love it for my hormonal teenager because it's easier for me to all right, this is, you know, like for me to internalize, like it's not her.
• 32:40
  Speaker 1: It's hormonal.
• 32:40
  Speaker 1: She's just overstimulated, she's over whatever.
• 32:43
  Speaker 3: Take a dose and we'll reconvene in a few minutes.
• 32:45
  Speaker 3: Yeah, that's awesome.
• 32:47
  Speaker 1: Yeah, that's the other one I would recommend is pulsatilla, right, so there's.
• 32:50
  Speaker 1: So I think there's two sides of this coin.
• 32:52
  Speaker 1: There's the woman who's so shut down and withdrawn and just wants to hide from the world, but then there's the woman who's got a history of abandonment, and the way that that gets manifested is around dependency and weepiness and a fear of leaving.
• 33:05
  Speaker 1: And I hate the word clingy right, but clingy right Like so for the woman who's having that experience, like she can't leave because she can't fathom how she's going to do it alone and she feels panicky about separation at all.
• 33:16
  Speaker 1: Right, that's pulsatilla.
• 33:17
  Speaker 1: So it just sort of depends on how you're experiencing it.
• 33:20
  Speaker 1: You know, both pulsatilla and CPR are hormonal remedies but they just have different mental pictures and you know, if you've tried homeopathy and it didn't work for you, it doesn't mean it doesn't work.
• 33:29
  Speaker 1: It means it wasn't the right remedy for you.
• 33:32
  Speaker 1: Right, and so it's because it has to be at least similar to what your mental, emotional and physical state are.
• 33:38
  Speaker 1: It has to resonate in those all three spheres to some extent.
• 33:42
  Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah.
• 33:44
  Speaker 3: Excellent.
• 33:46
  Speaker 1: Our listener shout out today is Kelly, with the unicorn emoji.
• 33:50
  Speaker 1: Kelly, I have no doubt you are a unicorn.
• 33:53
  Speaker 1: Thank you so much for being here, because without you there is no us.
• 33:58
  Speaker 1: So shoot me a DM at Dawn Wiggins on Instagram, kelly, and I want to know so badly where you are in your journey, how we can support you better and personally.
• 34:07
  Speaker 1: Thank you for being a premium subscriber.
• 34:09
  Speaker 1: So much love, peace.
• 34:11
  Speaker 1: Dear Divorce Diary is a podcast by my coach.
• 34:23
  Speaker 1: You can find more at mycoachjohncom.