Latest / The Parenting Podcast / Chats with Cheryl: Saying No is Easy—Preparing Them is Harder | Ep. 156

Transcript

Chats with Cheryl: Saying No is Easy—Preparing Them is Harder | Ep. 156 · The Parenting Podcast

• 0:06
  It's one thing to protect our kids.
• 0:09
  It's another to prepare them for a world where we won't always be there.
• 0:16
  And that's where it gets tricky.
• 0:18
  Because the goal isn't just keeping them safe today.
• 0:22
  But helping them grow for the future.
• 0:26
  I'm Cheryl Lang, and this is The Parenting Podcast.
• 0:30
  Christy's here with me in the studio today, and we're unpacking what it looks like to walk that fine line, guiding our kids in the area of media, without letting fear, ignorance, or frustration take over.
• 0:53
  Cheryl: Hey, Kristi.
• 0:54
  Cheryl: It is so good to be back in here with you today.
• 0:57
  Cheryl: I'm glad to be back.
• 0:58
  Cheryl: I've missed seeing you.
• 0:59
  Cheryl: And I know where you've been.
• 1:01
  Cheryl: Tell us about
• 1:02
  Christie: Phoenix.
• 1:03
  Christie: Visiting that sweet grandbaby.
• 1:05
  Christie: Aw.
• 1:05
  Christie: Oh, it's just the best.
• 1:07
  Christie: What is she learning to do now?
• 1:09
  Christie: Well, she just discovered peekaboo.
• 1:12
  Christie: That's her new trick for the week.
• 1:13
  Christie: But yeah, she is just, I mean, like you've always said that, uh, grandparenting is like the dessert of life.
• 1:20
  Christie: You are not lying.
• 1:21
  Christie: It's the best.
• 1:22
  Christie: What a blessing that we have it.
• 1:24
  Cheryl: I'm so thankful.
• 1:26
  Cheryl: You know, I'm just thinking.
• 1:27
  Cheryl: They should have named her Phoenix.
• 1:29
  Christie: Yeah.
• 1:30
  Christie: Because we just referred to Phoenix.
• 1:31
  Christie: I know, it's representative of all she embodies.
• 1:35
  Cheryl: Okay, so.
• 1:35
  Cheryl: I love
• 1:36
  Christie: it.
• 1:36
  Cheryl: You
• 1:36
  Christie: may be tired of looking at the pictures I keep showing you every time I see you.
• 1:40
  Cheryl: Oh, it's so fun.
• 1:41
  Christie: All right.
• 1:41
  Christie: So what do you want to talk about?
• 1:43
  Christie: Well, you know, I was in a conversation this week I was listening to some mom's talk about, uh, one of their daughters, middle school age was interested in, uh, Instagram,
• 1:55
  Cheryl: okay,
• 1:55
  Christie: and it honestly left me thinking Ooh, parenting teen girls is exhausting for everyone remembering that, and they were just really struggling with what do we do all the other kids have it I think she even missed out on something for her sports team Because it was on Instagram and she doesn't have Instagram all the other girls do and just all the pressures of that I was remembering all the do I don't I should they should they not All the things, movies, yeah, not just apps, but movies and attend this party, don't attend the party, you know, all of the things that you're trying to decide.
• 2:36
  Christie: You don't want to just lock them in a closet.
• 2:39
  Christie: Maybe you do, but.
• 2:42
  Christie: It's all of the world feels a little big and overwhelming the older they get and even when they're young I mean, there's things that come along that you're doubtful You want to expose your kiddos to and you were always such an encouragement to me in this I think it'd be great to just talk through some of the things that you've shared with me over the years
• 3:02
  Cheryl: what's so funny to say i was encouragement because I never, knew really what to do.
• 3:07
  Cheryl: So if people are going, Oh, good.
• 3:08
  Cheryl: And they've got their phone out.
• 3:11
  Cheryl: Step one, two and three.
• 3:12
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 3:12
  Cheryl: It is a mess.
• 3:14
  Cheryl: And it's not a new mess.
• 3:15
  Cheryl: It's just more complicated.
• 3:17
  Cheryl: Right.
• 3:17
  Cheryl: Because I think back, like I'm reading a book that It takes place in, uh, like around 1920 and the struggle back then about what movie they were going to go see and, you know, by today's standards, they would be very tame, right?
• 3:34
  Cheryl: But it was a really big deal like to go to a Marlena Dietrich movie or whatever it was and the parents struggling whether or not their teens should go to this.
• 3:44
  Cheryl: So it's the same thing.
• 3:46
  Cheryl: in Good parenting.
• 3:48
  Cheryl: We want to be in the struggle, and we want to decide what is wise, and we want to protect.
• 3:54
  Cheryl: But the big struggle is, I want to protect my children, but I also want to prepare them incrementally because they're going to be adults.
• 4:03
  Christie: Well, and I think that's how you encouraged me is that acknowledging that it's a mess.
• 4:07
  Christie: Because my, my answer was.
• 4:10
  Christie: Clean cut it was we're not gonna do anything.
• 4:12
  Christie: We're never gonna watch a movie.
• 4:13
  Christie: We're never gonna get an app We're never gonna do anything that even it looks remotely like growing into exposure to the dangerous unknown world, and you just helped me realize that It is messy and It's a process that we have to navigate together with our kids until we release them.
• 4:34
  Cheryl: Well, that's really wise, but definitely, I grew into that because my children would definitely say.
• 4:43
  Cheryl: And I would agree with them I was more over protective in the past.
• 4:48
  Cheryl: Part of it is because of technology.
• 4:52
  Cheryl: it was a little easier to do it back in the day when we didn't have phones, right?
• 4:56
  Cheryl: I mean, it was easier because there was television, movies, radio, eventually VHS, and cassette tapes.
• 5:05
  Cheryl: But it was so much more of a controlled thing.
• 5:09
  Cheryl: Right.
• 5:09
  Cheryl: So parents, again, this is a process to figure this out.
• 5:13
  Cheryl: And I would say, avoid legalism.
• 5:16
  Cheryl: Okay, like I said, in the past, I definitely was guilty of erring on the side of sort of legalism right.
• 5:24
  Cheryl: Not looking at, I want to prepare them.
• 5:27
  Cheryl: Having a bigger picture of preparing them because at.
• 5:30
  Cheryl: 18, that they're going to be fully in the world I wish I had operated out of more wisdom than kind of fear and legalism, you know, like we're just going to stay away from that.
• 5:42
  Cheryl: Right.
• 5:42
  Cheryl: Right.
• 5:43
  Cheryl: And now I realize.
• 5:44
  Cheryl: That's not the way to prepare my children for adulthood.
• 5:47
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 5:47
  Cheryl: I had a young mom recently I was talking with and she said, well, I just won't let them have a phone until they're 16 or so and they're driving and then I'll have all the locks on it.
• 5:58
  Cheryl: And I said, but the problem is then you're not incrementally releasing them.
• 6:03
  Cheryl: And like the family you mentioned, they're going to be.
• 6:07
  Cheryl: It's ostracizing and schools, the texting, all of it, it's the reality of the world they live in.
• 6:17
  Cheryl: And I don't want to live in a 1940s mindset because I'm not preparing my children for that culture.
• 6:23
  Cheryl: I'm preparing them for this culture.
• 6:26
  Cheryl: It just takes a lot of wisdom and discernment.
• 6:28
  Christie: Yeah, it makes me think back to one of the very earliest series we did where we talked about being their trail guide.
• 6:35
  Christie: And I think about, you know, my kids came of age in the very midst of iPhones coming out.
• 6:44
  Christie: And so there was a lot of, um, confusion in that time of parenting maybe it wasn't even confusion in the beginning because we didn't see the dangers that were coming out of the pipe.
• 6:53
  Christie: And so a lot of my older kids experienced things.
• 6:56
  Christie: And we did things very differently than what we did with our younger kids as we learned.
• 7:01
  Christie: But one thing you really helped me to understand is to sit.
• 7:06
  Christie: Yeah.
• 7:06
  Christie: With them and experience, watch this movie or look at this app together and discuss those things so that you could be, like we said, their trail guide into the decision making process.
• 7:17
  Christie: Yes.
• 7:17
  Christie: Because someday they're going to be making these decisions on their own.
• 7:21
  Christie: Exactly.
• 7:22
  Cheryl: Well, back in the early 2000s.
• 7:24
  Cheryl: The big discussion, about media became very legalistic in some circles, Mm hmm.
• 7:29
  Cheryl: And lots of arguments back and forth.
• 7:32
  Cheryl: i was sad with a lot of the discussions because I thought they were very legalistic.
• 7:36
  Cheryl: Um, in fact, the parents, a lot of times, Came to without really knowing the content of the stories, but just parating what they've heard And then nowadays that's exponential because of social media.
• 7:51
  Cheryl: Sure.
• 7:51
  Cheryl: You can have all the sound bites in the world but what I encourage people do is to Evaluate whatever you do it and you can get a summary of it But look through it through the lens of so many different things through your family values Through your worldview, through how you view morality.
• 8:11
  Cheryl: and through the lens of preparing them for this culture the kind of language to use.
• 8:17
  Cheryl: let me speak on that for a second because I'm not just talking about crude and foul language, but there is a very popular series that would be on every list everywhere that children should read.
• 8:29
  Cheryl: And I know some parents who've chosen not to read it because of the disrespectful way they refer to people of color or indigenous people.
• 8:41
  Cheryl: The rest of it is great, but the language and the attitudes they show towards people that are different and they consider them other, that's why the parents don't want them to read it.
• 8:54
  Cheryl: So when I say language, I'm talking a very broad sense, right?
• 8:57
  Cheryl: And I didn't have that lens as clearly when I was evaluating for my children.
• 9:02
  Cheryl: Another thing is humor, because humor can be used to mask immorality, that if they spoke in really crude, graphic terms, on a program or a movie.
• 9:16
  Cheryl: Well, we certainly wouldn't let our children watch that, but we might let them hear and see humor that, isn't in keeping with the kind of true worldview that we want to promote Right.
• 9:26
  Cheryl: And that leads me to the role models, not just my role modeling, but what are the role models in the story or movie And this one's used a lot, but one of my favorite characters is Sam.
• 9:39
  Cheryl: In the Lord of the Rings trilogy and people talk about it But you know Frodo's the big hero and whatever Aragorn and the king is coming all that But I loved what I saw in Sam.
• 9:53
  Cheryl: Sam is the kind of person I would want to be.
• 9:56
  Cheryl: He had such great character He supported his friend.
• 10:00
  Cheryl: He was willing to sacrifice.
• 10:02
  Cheryl: So I'm looking for the character that's being role modeled and then To evaluate, when you're looking at it, Christy, is do I care whether right and good win out over evil and wrong?
• 10:18
  Cheryl: Or am I willing to leave my children in that place?
• 10:21
  Cheryl: Now they're the anti heroes.
• 10:23
  Cheryl: Right.
• 10:23
  Cheryl: Which aren't the ones that, uh, maybe Demonstrate the kind of character qualities that we might want to encourage and then that would be a story I really want to watch with them and let's talk about it and talk about the characters and the heroes in it even if it's a casual conversation to Be a part of it, but to have these different lenses to have on our plate, I don't want it to sound daunting, but I just want it for their consideration because some of those I didn't
• 10:53
  Christie: always think
• 10:54
  Cheryl: of.
• 10:54
  Christie: Right.
• 10:55
  Christie: Well, and that's such a good point of, um, the way that we hear about materials or resources or things out there to consume.
• 11:07
  Christie: from other people and we don't consume them ourselves to make our own judgment based on our own values and the list that you just gave is a really great, um, kind of checkpoints of, of different lenses to look at things through because, you know, it's just like the old game of telephone.
• 11:23
  Christie: Well, I heard that it says this and I heard it says this.
• 11:26
  Christie: And then before long, when you actually look at the book, you're like, that was one piece of dialogue that we could probably just skip over and, and be fine with.
• 11:34
  Christie: And I think that's, again, what you helped me see is it does feel daunting to pre read everything that your kids would want to read or pre watch or experience, but to do it together and then model for them the things that you were just talking about, the criteria that you're kind of analyzing through and teach them how.
• 11:58
  Christie: You, yourself, look at things that you want to consume and how you decide if it's a good thing for yourself, not just because I'm your parent and you're the child.
• 12:07
  Cheryl: And that, to me, that's so much more important than what music they listen to, what movies, because you simply can't read and do everything.
• 12:16
  Christie: Because
• 12:17
  Cheryl: what we want to do is we want to help our children grow in discernment.
• 12:22
  Cheryl: And because a lot of this I would say myself and a lot of parents I know in this area, they operate out of a lot of fear.
• 12:31
  Cheryl: Actually, oh no, what is it going to be with Instagram and the next thing, the next thing and we can't keep up with technology now.
• 12:38
  Cheryl: I love the idea of walking with our children where we can and training them with discernment.
• 12:45
  Cheryl: Let me think of an example.
• 12:47
  Cheryl: 18 month old, two year old, you always say we hold hands crossing the street.
• 12:52
  Mm hmm.
• 12:52
  Cheryl: And so children know.
• 12:55
  Cheryl: You hold hands when you cross the street, but if we never said, what we want to do is we want to look this way and that way to be careful because the cars are on the street.
• 13:04
  Cheryl: And so if we never worked towards that discernment, then they would never know to look for cars.
• 13:10
  Cheryl: They just think, oh, we hold hands.
• 13:12
  Cheryl: Right, right.
• 13:13
  Christie: They wouldn't know it was a safety reason yeah.
• 13:16
  Cheryl: It's a simple basic thing, all parents explain and train look, so see there's a car coming and and oh, we need to wait because that car is this close and we start developing that discernment and awareness of what's going on so they can pick it up and do it themselves.
• 13:32
  Cheryl: Right.
• 13:32
  Cheryl: The same with, a new driver, in the home.
• 13:35
  Cheryl: So when my kids learned and I don't know what they require now, but they required a number of hours that they drove before they could get their full license.
• 13:44
  And
• 13:45
  Cheryl: what I loved about that is just the same principle that I'm in the car with them and They increasingly are developing their own awareness, but when their legs are new in it, I'm helping give them awareness.
• 13:59
  Cheryl: Now, do you see over there, it's only a three way stop.
• 14:02
  Cheryl: They don't have a stop sign.
• 14:03
  Cheryl: Start raising their awareness and discernment, so that when they're navigating on their own.
• 14:10
  Cheryl: They have more tools in their tool bag and you've done your responsibility to help raise their awareness, give them some, experience as they move out on their own.
• 14:21
  Christie: Does that make any sense?
• 14:22
  Christie: It really does.
• 14:23
  Christie: And what I I'm taking from that is these experiences are opportunities to teach them critical thinking skills, discerning, um, how to assess for themselves so that when they're quote unquote driving on their own out at out in life, making their own choices.
• 14:42
  Christie: You've given them those skills rather than, okay, this is the list of bad movies and this is the list of good movies.
• 14:48
  Christie: These are the songs you don't listen to.
• 14:50
  Christie: These are the songs you do because in 10 years, it's going to be different songs and different movies and different books.
• 14:55
  Christie: Exactly
• 14:56
  Cheryl: And they're going to be making their own decisions.
• 14:58
  Cheryl: All of my children are grown.
• 14:59
  Cheryl: All your children are grown and they make their own decisions, right?
• 15:03
  Cheryl: My job should be that walking alongside and that painful thing of Incrementally releasing them to make decisions that I would not make While they're living at home so we can talk about it walk along it and the wonderful phrase of intentional emancipation that what I would expose or allow my 12 year old to make a decision in, my 10 year old wouldn't, and what my 17 year old's allowed, I wouldn't allow my 12 year old.
• 15:31
  Christie: Right.
• 15:32
  Christie: We had a really good family experience that illustrates this so well, and because you had.
• 15:39
  Christie: Coached me through all of this when my kids were, you know, younger but I was able to do some of this and sit and watch things with my kids and experience them and teach them how to assess those things.
• 15:50
  Christie: Well, we got into a series together that we were all enjoying and we would watch it together.
• 15:58
  Christie: And we got it probably two or three seasons into this show what age kids.
• 16:02
  Christie: Okay, so they were I think one may have still been in high school.
• 16:07
  Christie: So maybe they were 16 to 18 and still living at home.
• 16:12
  Christie: But we had been watching a couple seasons of the show and it took a turn.
• 16:15
  Christie: Some of the themes and plot lines were just Things that I was not comfortable with, I didn't enjoy for myself even.
• 16:23
  Christie: And I thought, gosh, what am I gonna do?
• 16:25
  Christie: We really love this show.
• 16:26
  Christie: And it had great characters, didn't we?
• 16:28
  Christie: Were having, yes, it was kind of our thing and I just thought, you know, they're of an age where I am going to release this to them to make their own choice, but I choose.
• 16:40
  Christie: to not consume this material anymore and I just told him that I said you girls can do what you want to do but I just it's not something that's beneficial for me to watch this anymore and you know it's sad because it was a bonding time for us we'll just have to find something else and I left it to be whatever they chose I didn't shame or guilt.
• 17:01
  Christie: I tried to be very neutral because, you know, I wanted, I didn't want them to make a decision out of like, well, now mom's going to think bad of us if we watch it.
• 17:10
  Christie: And sure enough, not too far down the road, they came to me later and they're like, yeah, it just wasn't worth it.
• 17:15
  Christie: you know,, the show wasn't good enough to look over some of those things that were bothersome.
• 17:20
  Christie: Well done, well, thanks for your teaching encouragement and all of it,
• 17:26
  Cheryl: I love about what you said that you didn't do it in shame or legalism.
• 17:32
  Cheryl: But just, I'm making this choice and they're old enough to make their choice.
• 17:35
  Cheryl: And it would have been so different had they been 12 years old.
• 17:38
  Cheryl: Of course.
• 17:40
  Cheryl: really like about that handling of it is you left the bridge between you open so that, they could Come across the bridge I love what your role model, not legalism, but personal choice of how you see things.
• 17:56
  Cheryl: And it doesn't have to be perfect, but that you're walking in what you feel your own personal values and then how You just hand it to them to make their own choices.
• 18:08
  Cheryl: Two other things I wanted to bring in, you know, it's unfortunate, but we do live in a world where loss of innocence and evil can be just right at the fingertips we have to be pro-active We have to help them and train them and we have to know, for example, there are so many apps.
• 18:30
  Cheryl: because we can't stay ahead of it, I would encourage all parents to get a service or an app that can keep you in real time.
• 18:37
  Cheryl: up with what things are going on, for example, they want to read a book or they see a movie or there's music that you could go to the service and quickly be caught up on what's going on.
• 18:49
  Cheryl: Uh, and for example, rap, I have no idea.
• 18:52
  Cheryl: Rap came out too late in my life for me to understand it My kids will say, Hey, mom, isn't that cool?
• 18:58
  Cheryl: And I go, I have no idea what they're saying.
• 19:00
  Cheryl: I, I don't speak rap.
• 19:02
  Cheryl: And so I would have to have help right.
• 19:05
  Cheryl: Knowing about the content Mm-hmm Find the best thing that works for you that you can utilize.
• 19:13
  Cheryl: So well, that's in keeping with your standards and your values.
• 19:17
  Cheryl: And the other thing is, for example, there's a great book called Good Pictures, Bad Pictures.
• 19:22
  Cheryl: And it's really well done to introduce our younger children to the idea that on the internet, Particularly on phones, that there are good pictures and there are bad pictures, and to have that teaching tool, and I know two different people, and I guess the kids were probably ten ish years old, and each of the parents got the book, and then had read it with their sons, and The next day they came home from school and said, Mom, somebody tried to show me a bad picture.
• 19:57
  Cheryl: Oh, wow.
• 19:58
  Cheryl: Yeah Wow, what an endorsement.
• 20:01
  Cheryl: I don't know what other things there are available because I don't have to keep up on it, now myself right?
• 20:06
  Cheryl: But that's the kind of thing.
• 20:07
  Cheryl: I know I would use that if I had young children find research, find what works for your family and particularly that's the fastest.
• 20:16
  Cheryl: So you don't have to spend three hours researching.
• 20:19
  Cheryl: Well,
• 20:19
  Christie: the endless sea out there, we can't stay on top of everything.
• 20:23
  Christie: We need help.
• 20:24
  Christie: Um, and I love that you mentioned young kids because I've heard parents of young kids make comments like, and I probably thought the same thing of, Oh, I'm so glad I don't have to worry about that yet.
• 20:36
  Christie: And what I hear you saying is it starts really early teaching them how to think more.
• 20:44
  Christie: Critically, take initiative and be mindful of what is coming into their minds, their hearts, their eyes, their ears.
• 20:52
  Christie: And that starts early.
• 20:54
  Cheryl: Well, also, Christy, if you believe in your children engaging the culture and becoming a part of the culture, unless you live on a farm with dial up, I guess, plan on doing that forever, yes, you never go to a grocery store, you never leave that, curated false protective bubble.
• 21:12
  Cheryl: It's everywhere, and one of the conversations I would say to parents to go, Oh good, I don't have to worry about it.
• 21:18
  Cheryl: The problem is you don't know what everybody else is exposed to.
• 21:21
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 21:21
  Cheryl: And now very young children have their own phones.
• 21:25
  Cheryl: Right.
• 21:25
  Cheryl: And we don't know.
• 21:27
  Cheryl: Their parents values or What they're allowing which is why you need to start early beginning something like good pictures, bad pictures.
• 21:36
  Cheryl: We do have to have the conversations early on so that But our children aren't blindsided.
• 21:43
  Christie: Yeah, and, and one there, another benefit of starting when they're young is that you still, I mean, every four year old loves their mama.
• 21:51
  Christie: And when they're 14, they might be a little more prickly, to your advice.
• 21:55
  Christie: So starting young, you've got more relational equity from your kids and to start.
• 22:00
  Christie: Speak in and keep the door open in that conversation.
• 22:03
  Christie: So when the first thing comes along, here's a funny thing that happened to me when I was a kid.
• 22:08
  Christie: The first time I heard the word hilarious, I had never heard that word before and I thought it was a bad word because a friend said it.
• 22:16
  Christie: So I thought this friend, she's saying curse words.
• 22:19
  Christie: I don't know.
• 22:20
  Christie: It was probably six or seven and I, I just didn't know that word and I wouldn't tell anybody that my friend cusses, you know?
• 22:27
  Christie: And so.
• 22:28
  Christie: That's just a funny example, but when your kids experience something, they may feel some shame and not want to come to you unless you've already played out.
• 22:38
  Christie: These are the things that we want to talk about.
• 22:40
  Cheryl: yes We're out of time, but that's what I would really leave parents with is that be very intentional, not just walls and protection, but just full of grace Even if we haven't had it in the past, to start opening that bridge between us, where my children feel safe coming across it beginning this training, this preparation, but also keeping that road open between us All along, but particularly the teenagers, as we begin to release towards adulthood, they feel it's safe to come back and maybe talk about something that they know their parents would not be pleased to hear.
• 23:21
  Cheryl: Mm hmm.
• 23:22
  Christie: And that really is the goal of, navigating these things is that there's conversations, there's connection They know that we're on their side helping them navigate this, them through this, not just being this gavel that comes down and takes all the fun out of things.
• 23:38
  Cheryl: Very much so.
• 23:39
  Cheryl: Well said.
• 23:40
  Cheryl: Hey, Christy.
• 23:41
  Cheryl: So good to be with you.
• 23:42
  Cheryl: Thank you.
• 23:43
  Cheryl: Yes, glad to be back with you.
• 23:45
  Cheryl: So parents, hang in there, keep loving, keep persevering, because it is worth it.
• 23:57
  There's no perfect formula, no foolproof plan, but a whole lot of decisions, course corrections and foggy paths.
• 24:08
  And I know how exhausting that can feel.
• 24:11
  So here's what I'm reminding myself this week.
• 24:14
  And maybe it'll help you too.
• 24:17
  My job isn't to have all the answers.
• 24:20
  It's to stay in it with them.
• 24:23
  To keep the conversations open.
• 24:26
  To listen well.
• 24:28
  And to model what it looks like to wrestle with hard decisions.
• 24:32
  Even when it doesn't seem like they're listening, even when we don't see change, it's shaping them.
• 24:40
  I'd love to hear your thoughts.
• 24:42
  Just DM me on social media or email me anytime at contact at theparentingpodcast.
• 24:48
  com.
• 24:50
  Remember, every conversation, every boundary, every moment of loving connection matters.
• 24:59
  I'll see you next time.