Latest / Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud / Out of Shape for Dirty Talk | Zac Townsend | Stand Up Comedy 🤣🤣😁

Transcript

Out of Shape for Dirty Talk | Zac Townsend | Stand Up Comedy 🤣🤣😁 · Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_01: Alright, how's everybody doing?
• 0:01
  SPEAKER_01: I'm having fun, yeah.
• 0:03
  SPEAKER_01: You guys in the back are like, alright, now let's see what this huge lesbian has to say.
• 0:07
  SPEAKER_01: Let's see what she's about.
• 0:08
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 0:09
  SPEAKER_01: I know.
• 0:10
  SPEAKER_01: I don't know where we are, but I know like I work here.
• 0:12
  SPEAKER_01: Does that not kind of feel like that?
• 0:15
  SPEAKER_01: Like I'm in the back eating paint chips on the clock?
• 0:18
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, I kind of feel that way too.
• 0:22
  SPEAKER_01: No, thank you guys for coming.
• 0:23
  SPEAKER_01: I love Columbus, man.
• 0:24
  SPEAKER_01: This city fucking rules, man.
• 0:26
  SPEAKER_01: This is like the best place.
• 0:27
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, it's great.
• 0:28
  SPEAKER_01: Got here early.
• 0:29
  SPEAKER_01: Was watching some college basketball today.
• 0:32
  SPEAKER_01: I love college basketball, man.
• 0:33
  SPEAKER_01: I love college way more than professional sports.
• 0:35
  SPEAKER_01: It's so much more fun.
• 0:36
  SPEAKER_01: Because the athletes are still trying to get a fan out of you, you know?
• 0:39
  SPEAKER_01: Pro athletes get paid too much, and they're fucking mean.
• 0:42
  SPEAKER_01: And I know this because I went to a pro basketball game last season.
• 0:45
  SPEAKER_01: And after the game, I saw one of the players, and I walked up to them and I was like, hey, can I please get a picture with you?
• 0:51
  SPEAKER_01: And no joke, they looked me square in the eyes.
• 0:53
  SPEAKER_01: They said, You better sit your bitch ass down before I knock you out.
• 0:58
  SPEAKER_01: And I was like, dude, these WNBA players are so fucking mean.
• 1:04
  SPEAKER_01: What the fuck?
• 1:05
  SPEAKER_01: I only asked her that because I was standing next to her at the urinal.
• 1:07
  SPEAKER_01: You know what I mean?
• 1:08
  SPEAKER_01: I thought I thought we had a bond, sister.
• 1:12
  SPEAKER_01: I've been going on walks to try to lose weight.
• 1:15
  SPEAKER_01: That's not helping.
• 1:16
  SPEAKER_01: This is what I was on a walk the other day.
• 1:17
  SPEAKER_01: This is when I knew I had to lose weight.
• 1:19
  SPEAKER_01: I had a guy run by me full speed.
• 1:22
  SPEAKER_01: And while he was running, he was on the phone having a full-blown conversation.
• 1:27
  SPEAKER_01: Not air pods, not headphones, phone up to the ear, running while talking.
• 1:31
  SPEAKER_01: And I saw that and I was like, I need to get it together, you know?
• 1:35
  SPEAKER_01: Because I'm in the type of shape right now where if I'm on the phone with you and I get to a flight of stairs, I'm like, hey, I'm gonna have to call you back tomorrow when I catch my breath.
• 1:47
  SPEAKER_01: You know?
• 1:48
  SPEAKER_01: I know why I'm fat too, because I drink.
• 1:50
  SPEAKER_01: We got anybody drinking tonight, having fun?
• 1:52
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 1:53
  SPEAKER_01: I love drinking, man.
• 1:54
  SPEAKER_01: It's the only way I can get soft.
• 1:56
  SPEAKER_01: Uh you can drink doing anything in this country.
• 2:02
  SPEAKER_01: It's awesome.
• 2:02
  SPEAKER_01: You can drink throwing axe.
• 2:03
  SPEAKER_01: Have you guys been to those places?
• 2:04
  SPEAKER_01: The axe throwing places?
• 2:06
  SPEAKER_01: Or as white people call them, the ask throwing places?
• 2:08
  SPEAKER_01: Have you guys been to those?
• 2:10
  SPEAKER_01: Those are where are all the anti-gun people for those things?
• 2:15
  SPEAKER_01: Can we talk about that for a second, you know?
• 2:17
  SPEAKER_01: Anti-gun people will be like, I don't think anybody should have an AK-47.
• 2:21
  SPEAKER_01: And I kind of agree with that.
• 2:23
  SPEAKER_01: But should an entry-level sales guy be able to have 12 IPAs and just fucking wield an axe as hard as he can at a holiday party?
• 2:30
  SPEAKER_01: He's throwing them behind the back, under the legs, backwards.
• 2:34
  SPEAKER_01: I don't know what time those places open, but anytime feels too early, doesn't it?
• 2:41
  SPEAKER_01: I don't like guns, man.
• 2:42
  SPEAKER_01: I don't really even like kids either.
• 2:44
  SPEAKER_01: I kind of see them as the same thing, you know?
• 2:47
  SPEAKER_01: Kids and guns are a lot alike.
• 2:50
  SPEAKER_01: They're both dangerous.
• 2:51
  SPEAKER_01: And whenever someone has one, they're like, you want to hold it?
• 2:53
  SPEAKER_01: And I'm like, no.
• 2:55
  SPEAKER_01: No.
• 2:56
  SPEAKER_01: I know way too many people in jail for touching those things.
• 2:58
  SPEAKER_01: You know what I mean?
• 2:59
  SPEAKER_01: No.
• 3:00
  SPEAKER_01: Yuck.
• 3:01
  SPEAKER_01: That's evidence.
• 3:02
  SPEAKER_01: Gross.
• 3:07
  SPEAKER_01: We have any uh single people in here tonight?
• 3:09
  unknown: Woo!
• 3:10
  SPEAKER_01: Cool.
• 3:11
  SPEAKER_01: Three guys that look just like me.
• 3:13
  SPEAKER_01: Awesome.
• 3:13
  SPEAKER_01: Uh I could have asked this in the mirror and got the same response.
• 3:16
  SPEAKER_01: That's and I get it, man.
• 3:18
  SPEAKER_01: I have a little bit of a look.
• 3:19
  SPEAKER_01: Whenever I ask that, women aren't taking out their tits being like, pick me, big boy, please.
• 3:23
  SPEAKER_01: You know?
• 3:23
  SPEAKER_01: I have a look.
• 3:24
  SPEAKER_01: I look like Caitlin Clark if she was on an episode of Undercover Boss.
• 3:28
  SPEAKER_01: That's what I look like.
• 3:30
  SPEAKER_01: I hate how well that joke does every time.
• 3:44
  SPEAKER_01: No man, I like dating.
• 3:45
  SPEAKER_01: I'm 34 years old.
• 3:46
  SPEAKER_01: I like dating.
• 3:47
  SPEAKER_01: I don't like first dates, though.
• 3:48
  SPEAKER_01: First dates kind of suck, you know.
• 3:49
  SPEAKER_01: You gotta get those weird first date questions out of the way to get to know somebody.
• 3:52
  SPEAKER_01: You know?
• 3:53
  SPEAKER_01: I was on a first date recently with a woman.
• 3:54
  SPEAKER_01: Ten minutes into the date, she leans over the table at me and she goes, So are you cut or uncut?
• 4:02
  SPEAKER_01: I was like, This is the first date, and you want to see my wrist already?
• 4:06
  SPEAKER_01: That's crazy.
• 4:08
  SPEAKER_01: What?
• 4:10
  SPEAKER_01: Alright, you guys seem cool.
• 4:11
  SPEAKER_01: I'm gonna keep doing those kind of jokes.
• 4:14
  SPEAKER_01: This is true.
• 4:15
  SPEAKER_01: I got choked by a woman for the first time last weekend, everybody.
• 4:19
  SPEAKER_01: Thank you.
• 4:20
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 4:21
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, that's the last time I get into an argument with a black lady at Walmart.
• 4:24
  SPEAKER_01: That's the last time.
• 4:26
  SPEAKER_01: She was strong, dude.
• 4:29
  SPEAKER_01: The cops came, I came, everybody came.
• 4:37
  SPEAKER_01: I don't want to sound like a fucking loser up here either, okay?
• 4:40
  SPEAKER_01: I do get like a little bit of pussy.
• 4:42
  SPEAKER_01: You know, everyone, every once in a little bit of pussy.
• 4:45
  SPEAKER_01: Even a blind squirrel finds a nut every once in a while, you know?
• 4:47
  SPEAKER_01: I definitely get more pussy than those guys that ride those one-wheel things around town.
• 4:51
  SPEAKER_01: You ever seen that?
• 4:55
  SPEAKER_01: Seven miles an hour dressed like The Undertaker.
• 4:57
  SPEAKER_01: Like, where is he going?
• 4:58
  SPEAKER_01: You know?
• 5:01
  SPEAKER_01: I had a good date recently with a woman.
• 5:03
  SPEAKER_01: We had the date, she went back to her place, and I followed her.
• 5:06
  SPEAKER_01: And uh once we got to her place, we do an adults too, right?
• 5:10
  SPEAKER_01: We put on a movie, we started drinking, we started flirting, clothes started coming off, it was getting real hot and heavy.
• 5:16
  SPEAKER_01: And right before we were about to have sex, she very kindly stops me.
• 5:20
  SPEAKER_01: She goes, Hey, just so you know, I'm probably not gonna come tonight because I'm on antidepressants.
• 5:29
  SPEAKER_01: And I was like, that is not gonna be the reason why you don't come tonight.
• 5:33
  SPEAKER_01: That is not do not bring Big Pharma into this.
• 5:39
  SPEAKER_01: Do not do that.
• 5:41
  SPEAKER_01: I can think about five to six reasons all doing this guy right here, you know?
• 5:46
  SPEAKER_01: You have an outdy belly button, and I have bad debt perception.
• 5:49
  SPEAKER_01: So that's gonna be a problem, you know?
• 5:57
  SPEAKER_01: Plus, she had my mom's name, too.
• 5:59
  SPEAKER_01: That's how I knew it wasn't gonna work out.
• 6:00
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 6:01
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, her name was Mommy.
• 6:02
  SPEAKER_01: Uh yeah, I think I think she was Spanish or something.
• 6:06
  SPEAKER_01: I can't remember.
• 6:09
  SPEAKER_01: My goal for this year was to get in better shape, man.
• 6:12
  SPEAKER_01: It's not working at all.
• 6:13
  SPEAKER_01: Uh I don't even want to live longer, if you could tell by my outfit.
• 6:16
  SPEAKER_01: I want to get in better shape for like selfish reasons, like sexual reasons.
• 6:21
  SPEAKER_01: Not even sex.
• 6:22
  SPEAKER_01: I don't even really care about that.
• 6:23
  SPEAKER_01: I want to get in better shape so I could dirty talk better.
• 6:27
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 6:28
  SPEAKER_01: Because that's all dirty talk is when you're a guy, right?
• 6:30
  SPEAKER_01: You're just telling a woman what you're gonna do to her the whole time.
• 6:34
  SPEAKER_01: So if you're not in good shape, it really limits your vocabulary in said bedroom.
• 6:46
  SPEAKER_01: I'm in the type of shape right now I'd be on top of a woman.
• 6:48
  SPEAKER_01: I'd be like, yeah, you'd like that?
• 6:50
  SPEAKER_01: And she'd be like, yeah.
• 6:55
  SPEAKER_00: And then I'd be like, Do you still like that?
• 7:13
  SPEAKER_00: You know, until I got all I got.
• 7:23
  SPEAKER_01: Do we have uh relationship people in here tonight?
• 7:25
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah?
• 7:26
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 7:27
  SPEAKER_01: That's what I'm trying to get.
• 7:28
  SPEAKER_01: But I don't talk to women cool.
• 7:29
  SPEAKER_01: I want to be able to talk to women with confidence.
• 7:32
  SPEAKER_01: I want to be able to talk to women with the confidence of a cool black guy.
• 7:36
  SPEAKER_01: I was at the gas station the other day behind, in line behind a cool black guy, and he was on the phone, and I just heard him go, bitch, put your pussy on the phone.
• 7:46
  SPEAKER_01: And I'm pretty sure she did it because after that I heard him say, yeah, let it speak.
• 7:51
  SPEAKER_01: Let them let them lips curl, girl.
• 7:56
  SPEAKER_01: I can't do that.
• 7:58
  SPEAKER_01: You guys see how I look.
• 7:58
  SPEAKER_01: I'd be like, bitch, put you hello?
• 8:00
  SPEAKER_01: Hello?
• 8:02
  SPEAKER_01: My text bubbles turn green, the SWAT team's outside my house, you know?
• 8:07
  SPEAKER_01: I'll be honest with you guys, I don't even know if I'd know what to do if a bitch put her pussy on the phone for me.
• 8:13
  SPEAKER_01: I'd probably just find the nearest black guy and be like, hey man, it's for you.
• 8:16
  SPEAKER_01: Uh wrong number.
• 8:19
  SPEAKER_01: She called me, but she's looking for you, you know.
• 8:22
  SPEAKER_01: I have uh Hulu with commercials.
• 8:24
  SPEAKER_01: Some of you guys could see that.
• 8:26
  SPEAKER_01: Uh I don't mind it.
• 8:28
  SPEAKER_01: There is one commercial that comes on that I have a problem with.
• 8:31
  SPEAKER_01: It's for this pill called Truvada.
• 8:32
  SPEAKER_01: Do you guys know what Truvada is?
• 8:34
  SPEAKER_01: Truvada is the pill that you take to regulate your symptoms for HIV.
• 8:37
  SPEAKER_01: I don't have a problem with that.
• 8:39
  SPEAKER_01: You have to do what you have to do.
• 8:40
  SPEAKER_01: I have a problem with the commercial though.
• 8:42
  SPEAKER_01: Because in the commercial, a woman comes on and she goes, I'm on the pill.
• 8:45
  SPEAKER_01: And then a second woman comes on behind her and she goes, We're on the pill.
• 8:49
  SPEAKER_01: And then a third woman comes on behind her and she goes, All three of us, yeah, we're on the pill.
• 8:54
  SPEAKER_01: And I'm like, you can't let Truvada have the nickname the pill, right?
• 8:58
  SPEAKER_01: Ladies, we gave we gave that away a while ago.
• 9:02
  SPEAKER_01: To birth control.
• 9:04
  SPEAKER_01: I just feel like if we let Truvada have the nickname the pill and birth control have the nickname the pill, there's gonna be some miscommunication going on at one point or another.
• 9:15
  SPEAKER_01: Can you imagine your date goes well?
• 9:16
  SPEAKER_01: You drop her off, you're like, hey, see ya.
• 9:18
  SPEAKER_01: She's like, actually, do you want to come inside for a drink?
• 9:19
  SPEAKER_01: You're like, of course I want to come inside for a drink.
• 9:24
  SPEAKER_01: Drink goes well, you know.
• 9:26
  SPEAKER_01: She's like, hey, do you want to come upstairs and uh see my room?
• 9:28
  SPEAKER_01: You're like, of course I want to come upstairs and see that room, you know?
• 9:32
  SPEAKER_01: That goes well, then she looks at you and she goes, Hey, I don't do you uh do you want to have sex with me tonight?
• 9:37
  SPEAKER_01: And you're like, of course I want to have sex with you, but I didn't bring a condom with me tonight.
• 9:43
  SPEAKER_01: And she looks at you and goes, Don't worry about it.
• 9:46
  SPEAKER_01: I'm on the pill.
• 9:52
  SPEAKER_01: And then nine months later, you have AIDS and a baby.
• 9:55
  SPEAKER_01: Can you imagine that shit?
• 9:58
  SPEAKER_01: God damn, talk about a case of the Mondays.
• 10:01
  SPEAKER_01: What the fuck?
• 10:02
  SPEAKER_01: You know, I've said a lot up here, man, but I want everybody in here to know I am a very progressive guy.
• 10:06
  SPEAKER_01: I am.
• 10:07
  SPEAKER_01: I know I look like I get paid time and a half on January 6th, but I don't.
• 10:10
  SPEAKER_01: That's not that's not my floating holiday at work, okay?
• 10:16
  SPEAKER_01: I have a very diverse friend group in Nashville.
• 10:18
  SPEAKER_01: I do.
• 10:18
  SPEAKER_01: I have a lot of trans friends in Nashville.
• 10:20
  SPEAKER_01: Actually, I only have two, but then I have a lot of guys who act like bitches, you know.
• 10:24
  SPEAKER_01: And uh I'm gonna tell you right now, me and my trans friends, we never argue about politics.
• 10:28
  SPEAKER_01: Don't the media fool you.
• 10:29
  SPEAKER_01: We argue about normal stuff, friend stuff, like food.
• 10:31
  SPEAKER_01: I went out to dinner with one of my trans friends the other day, and we went and got pizza, and I ordered pineapple on my pizza.
• 10:38
  SPEAKER_01: Some people like it, some people don't.
• 10:39
  SPEAKER_01: I love it personally.
• 10:40
  SPEAKER_01: My trans friend did not like it at all.
• 10:42
  SPEAKER_01: The pizza got placed in front of me, they looked at it and said, Ew, that's gross, take that off.
• 10:48
  SPEAKER_01: And I was like, I'm not your doctor, you can't talk to me like that, you know.
• 10:54
  SPEAKER_01: Guys, that's the best fucking trans joke you're ever gonna hear, okay?
• 10:58
  SPEAKER_01: I fucking kicked her mozzarella sticks off the table.
• 11:01
  SPEAKER_01: I was like, how you like they them apples, bitch?
• 11:03
  SPEAKER_01: And I went to the gender neutral bathroom and took the biggest sheet it of my entire life.
• 11:13
  SPEAKER_01: No, you know, you know, you know they're coming after next, you know?
• 11:16
  SPEAKER_01: They came after Bud Light.
• 11:17
  SPEAKER_01: You know, I think they're coming after next Chick-fil-A, dude.
• 11:19
  SPEAKER_01: I think they're gonna get Chick-fil-a next.
• 11:20
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 11:21
  SPEAKER_01: And I'm not just saying that because they fired me.
• 11:23
  SPEAKER_01: I'm saying that because my cousin's gay, one of my best friends is gay, and I think their homophobia can be a little much, you know?
• 11:29
  SPEAKER_01: So this is what I want to do.
• 11:30
  SPEAKER_01: I want to open up a gay-only restaurant next to every Chick-fil-A in America.
• 11:35
  SPEAKER_01: And I was thinking about it.
• 11:36
  SPEAKER_01: I'm like, what's the one food we could take that would really make homophobic people mad?
• 11:40
  SPEAKER_01: Gay people are eating it.
• 11:41
  SPEAKER_01: I think I got it.
• 11:42
  SPEAKER_01: I think it's barbecue.
• 11:43
  SPEAKER_01: I think it's good old-fashioned ribs and brisket and stuff like that.
• 11:46
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 11:47
  SPEAKER_01: I got a name for the place too.
• 11:48
  SPEAKER_01: I'm gonna call it LGBBQ.
• 11:50
  SPEAKER_01: I'm gonna call it LGBBQ plus.
• 11:55
  SPEAKER_01: We're gonna do sides and stuff too.
• 11:56
  SPEAKER_01: It's gonna be real good, yeah.
• 11:58
  SPEAKER_01: I'm gonna open up a bottom golf next to top golf.
• 12:00
  SPEAKER_01: It's gonna be whatever you need, baby.
• 12:05
  SPEAKER_01: All right, guys, I'm Zach Townsend.
• 12:07
  SPEAKER_01: Thank you guys so much.
• 12:08
  SPEAKER_01: Have a good night.