Latest / Overwhelmed Working Woman: Boost Productivity, Master Time Management, Overcome Overwhelm & Stop People Pleasing / #194| 3 Types of “No” Every Woman Needs To Learn To Ditch the Overwhelm and Guilt
Transcript
- 0:00Michelle Gauthier: If saying no makes you feel guilty or selfish or like a bad person, it's probably influencing you to not say no because who wants to feel that way?
- 0:13Michelle Gauthier: You're listening to Overwhelmed Working Woman, the podcast that helps you be more calm and more productive by doing less.
- 0:21Michelle Gauthier: I'm your host, Michelle Gauthier, a former Overwhelmed Working Woman and current life coach.
- 0:26Michelle Gauthier: On this show, we unpack the stress and pressure that today's working woman experiences.
- 0:31Michelle Gauthier: And in each episode, you'll get a strategy to bring more calm, ease, and relaxation to your life.
- 0:40Michelle Gauthier: Hi, friend.
- 0:41Michelle Gauthier: Today we're talking about one of the most complicated, emotionally loaded words in the English language, which is no.
- 0:48Michelle Gauthier: Such a short word, but it packs so much punch and has so much guilt and all kinds of things associated with it.
- 0:55Michelle Gauthier: So if you've ever said yes while your body on the inside was like no, or if you've said sure and then instantly regretted it, or if you know you're overcommitting yourself, but you feel too guilty to back out, this is going to be a great episode for you.
- 1:09Michelle Gauthier: In this episode, you'll hear three types of no and when to use them.
- 1:13Michelle Gauthier: And I'm going to give you nine real life phrases that you can borrow word for word.
- 1:17Michelle Gauthier: So you can save this episode and keep coming back to it to remember how to say no.
- 1:22Michelle Gauthier: And I'll also give you a mindset reframe that makes saying no way easier.
- 1:27Michelle Gauthier: Let me start off by saying: if there's a situation where you want to say no and you know you want to say no, and you feel badly about it, just remind yourself it isn't rude, it's honest.
- 1:38Michelle Gauthier: And being honest, in my opinion, is always kinder than being dishonest.
- 1:43Michelle Gauthier: The thing about saying no is it's actually a skill and probably one you were never taught, especially if you're a woman.
- 1:50Michelle Gauthier: You were probably raised to know your quotes, know that the most important thing was to put other people first or to make sure other people were happy, and that you were seen as likable and easygoing, which means saying yes, even if you don't want to.
- 2:05Michelle Gauthier: The great news is you don't have to master a script for every situation.
- 2:09Michelle Gauthier: You just need a couple go-to categories that help you say no in a way that feels good to you.
- 2:14Michelle Gauthier: Okay, so here are the three categories of no, plus three exact phrases you can use.
- 2:20Michelle Gauthier: The first one is the warm but firm no.
- 2:23Michelle Gauthier: This is for when you care about the person and you appreciate the invite, but it's still a no for you.
- 2:29Michelle Gauthier: So, for example, your friend invites you to dinner and you don't have other plans, but you've just been looking forward to a quiet night in.
- 2:37Michelle Gauthier: This literally just happened to me, and it's probably happened to you as well.
- 2:42Michelle Gauthier: And you know that you want to say no.
- 2:44Michelle Gauthier: The way that you can communicate that is to say, thanks for thinking of me, I'm gonna sit this one out.
- 2:50Michelle Gauthier: Or that sounds so fun, but I'm just not up for it right now.
- 2:54Michelle Gauthier: Or I wish I had the capacity, but I'm trying to keep things really simple this week.
- 2:59Michelle Gauthier: And here's what not to do in these kinds of no's and any kind of nos.
- 3:03Michelle Gauthier: Go into a whole bunch of description.
- 3:06Michelle Gauthier: Like, don't feel like you need to overexplain.
- 3:10Michelle Gauthier: For example, I normally would, but I've had the most exhausting week and I just need to go to bed, and my kids did this, and my work was like that, et cetera, et cetera.
- 3:19Michelle Gauthier: Most of the time when you overexplain, it's completely unnecessary.
- 3:24Michelle Gauthier: And I think it almost makes you seem guilty when it's totally okay just to say no.
- 3:29Michelle Gauthier: I would rather just stay home.
- 3:31Michelle Gauthier: And of course, along with the warm but firm no, you can always just say no thanks, or even just no.
- 3:38Michelle Gauthier: No can be a complete sentence on its own.
- 3:42Michelle Gauthier: The second type of no and some examples of how to say it is the boundaried no.
- 3:47Michelle Gauthier: So this is where you have a boundary and you know your boundary, and you're just saying a firm, unapologetic no.
- 3:55Michelle Gauthier: It's for when saying yes would cost you your time, energy, or your sanity, or just go against a certain boundary that you've set for yourself.
- 4:04Michelle Gauthier: So let's say your extended family asks you to host Thanksgiving again this year, and you've done it the last three years, and you're maxed out, and you promised yourself that you wouldn't do it.
- 4:14Michelle Gauthier: Some of the ways that you can say no in this type of situation is to say, that's not something I have space for this year.
- 4:21Michelle Gauthier: I'm keeping my energy really protected this season.
- 4:24Michelle Gauthier: So it's a no for me.
- 4:26Michelle Gauthier: I've already committed my time somewhere else or to something else.
- 4:31Michelle Gauthier: Again, you want to make sure these are true.
- 4:33Michelle Gauthier: You don't need to tell a lie, you can just tell the truth.
- 4:36Michelle Gauthier: So I'm keeping my energy protected this season is really true.
- 4:40Michelle Gauthier: Another one I tell my clients to use all the time, and you're welcome to use this too, is to say, my life coach is teaching me or making me say no to things so that I can have more space in my life.
- 4:51Michelle Gauthier: So I have to say no.
- 4:53Michelle Gauthier: You can totally blame me as you want to, because if you're listening to this podcast, I'm sort of your life coach.
- 4:58Michelle Gauthier: The third category is the no for now.
- 5:00Michelle Gauthier: So this is when you see an opportunity that actually is exciting and you want to do it, but the timing just isn't right.
- 5:07Michelle Gauthier: If it's genuine, if you genuinely would like to do the thing, but just not do it right now, then this is the type of no you want to say there.
- 5:17Michelle Gauthier: Again, make sure that's true.
- 5:19Michelle Gauthier: If someone invites you to do something, let's just say someone invited me to do like a bourbon tasting.
- 5:25Michelle Gauthier: I don't ever want to do that.
- 5:26Michelle Gauthier: I don't like bourbon.
- 5:28Michelle Gauthier: I don't want to learn to like bourbon.
- 5:29Michelle Gauthier: I don't want to do that.
- 5:31Michelle Gauthier: So I would that would just be a different category of no for me.
- 5:34Michelle Gauthier: But for example, someone just asked me to be a guest on this panel of women who owned their own businesses, and it seemed really cool, and I really like the person who was coordinating it, but frankly, I just did not have time.
- 5:46Michelle Gauthier: If I had said yes, I would have made myself feel overwhelmed.
- 5:50Michelle Gauthier: So I was like, nope, I just can't do it.
- 5:54Michelle Gauthier: So if you're in that situation, you can say, I'd love to join, but I can't this time.
- 5:58Michelle Gauthier: Please keep me posted if you're doing this again, which is exactly what I said in this situation.
- 6:03Michelle Gauthier: And they said we're never gonna do it again.
- 6:05Michelle Gauthier: And I was like, shoot, I'm sorry to miss the opportunity.
- 6:07Michelle Gauthier: You could say, This is so aligned, I'm a no for right now, but I hope we can collaborate further down the road.
- 6:13Michelle Gauthier: Or can you circle back with me in a couple months?
- 6:16Michelle Gauthier: I'd love to talk about this when I have more space.
- 6:18Michelle Gauthier: Again, only use this when you mean it, because if you say this and you don't mean it, then when they come back to you, you're just gonna have to say no again.
- 6:26Michelle Gauthier: Okay, so those are three types of no.
- 6:29Michelle Gauthier: Each of those, I gave you three examples for how to say it.
- 6:31Michelle Gauthier: So you've now got nine verbatim things that you can say depending on the situation.
- 6:37Michelle Gauthier: So what comes before you say no is figuring out if you want to say yes or no.
- 6:43Michelle Gauthier: And what comes after saying no is making sure that you don't feel guilt and that you're not overthinking after you've said no.
- 6:50Michelle Gauthier: So you kind of have the middle part right now in this particular episode, which is how to exactly say no.
- 6:56Michelle Gauthier: Those other two parts are one of the many things included in the class that I'm teaching starting next Monday, November 3rd, called the People Pleasing Purge.
- 7:06Michelle Gauthier: If you are a person who would call yourself a people pleaser and you know that it would be better for you if you stopped that people-pleasing behavior, but you're not sure where to start, I know exactly where you should start.
- 7:19Michelle Gauthier: It's starting next Monday.
- 7:20Michelle Gauthier: We are going to be doing these classes live.
- 7:23Michelle Gauthier: It's a three-week class.
- 7:24Michelle Gauthier: We have class twice a week, and it's going to be live.
- 7:27Michelle Gauthier: Eventually, this is going to be a video self-paced course, but right now I'm going to be teaching it live.
- 7:34Michelle Gauthier: So you can ask me all your questions.
- 7:35Michelle Gauthier: I can coach you as you are going along in learning not to be a people pleaser anymore.
- 7:42Michelle Gauthier: In the show notes, there's a link with all of the details, all of the things that you'll learn in that class.
- 7:48Michelle Gauthier: And registration, like I said, is open right now.
- 7:52Michelle Gauthier: And it is only going to be open until Saturday.
- 7:55Michelle Gauthier: So if you're listening to this when it comes out on a Thursday, click on that link like right now and sign up for the class if it feels like it's a great fit for you.
- 8:03Michelle Gauthier: I would love to teach you how to just stop people pleasing in its entirety.
- 8:08Michelle Gauthier: It is so freeing, and you will not believe how much space you have available in your calendar and your brain when you're not constantly thinking about what other people are thinking of you and if you want to say no or if you want to say yes.
- 8:21Michelle Gauthier: Have a great rest of the week.
- 8:23Michelle Gauthier: Don't forget to practice saying no.
- 8:25Michelle Gauthier: Maybe take one of these phrases and use it once this week and see how that feels for you.
- 8:29Michelle Gauthier: See you Monday.
- 8:31Michelle Gauthier: Thank you for listening to the Overwhelmed Working Woman podcast.
- 8:38Michelle Gauthier: If you want to learn more about my work, head over to my website at MichelleGauthier.com.
- 8:44Michelle Gauthier: See you next week.