Latest / Made Me Gay / Meg and Mandy Check In

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Meg and Mandy Check In · Made Me Gay

• Meg and Mandy: What's up, y'all? Mandy here. It's Mandy Hello there. sorry. here. And And this and this is Meg. Happy to be here. We are trying to record a freaking podcast over here and it was a little We got bit of a struggle. it was, but well hold on. Welcome to the Mammy Gay podcast. Welcome to the Made Me Gay podcast. We are your hosts and we are a shit show tonight. This is we should we should we is this where we tell them what we did? Yeah, we recorded for 30 minutes Mm-hmm. and Mandy's mic was messed up, which we learned something, so it was actually really important. We learned what we need to do differently. every time we like we learn a little something new, right? One of We do. one of us makes a mistake and it's just a perfect opportunity. Yeah, we learn and also I love that you called out. You're like, actually, we weren't in the flow. And I felt the same thing. It was so weird. We were Yeah, so we decided that it was meant to be that we Yeah. that it didn't work out. So we scrapped it. We're back. We're back. We're gonna try. We're gonna try again. And we're gonna hopefully find some flow, which it feels like we already have a little bit more than we did last time. I think so. We're here to have a little check-in because we are really excited about this interview. Well, I don't know if we call it an interview, the conversation we had with our dear friend Kai Miller last Friday, which came on the day that part two of Meet Meg and Mandy, our first episodes, came out. I mean our podc our podcast has had a big week. We had a big week. We got on the instas. Yeah. We got on the Instas, we posted our first two like actual episodes. We had posted some trailers, right? Before some little teasers or something. Mm. Mm. Mm. Exactly. Yeah. I felt really excited about those two episodes coming out last week. How did you feel, Meg? I mean, I felt so well, I felt a I felt multiple things because feeling one thing is too hard for me. So I felt multiple things, which were I was excited. I had some nervousness around the vulnerability and just it being out there. my gosh, we put it Mm-hmm. out there. so those two were like the things that I felt the most probably. Mm. but I don't know, really quickly We got some really nice feedback from people and so it felt that felt so good. Mm. Agreed. And like people that I've had a couple people come sort of out of the woodworks, like older friends I haven't maybe spoken with in a while, or just, you know, family members, but a lot of people who are cishet, you know, not necessarily gay themselves, have reached out, which feels really good. our queer fam is fangirling it up. Totally. for us. I mean, I feel like a lot of support there and and I'm I'm open to to seeing how, you know, people receive this and how it grows and if people can share it. If you liked it, please share if you're back. Mm. welcome. Thanks for coming back. We're happy you're here. Can I can I ask you a question? Yeah. So, did you share the podcast on your personal Instagram? And you did. Okay. I did. Hmm. Yeah. This is my confession that I did not. But I haven't posted on my personal Instagram in a couple of years, since just so much is unfolding in my life. And I feel like I would like to post the episode, and I think I'm gonna. post you know, it'll be a nice little coming out for everybody that I'm not Yeah. that doesn't know that I've come out. my gosh, it is like a whole nother coming out. I I have to say, I felt I felt more vulnerable about the concept of putting our faces out there and using social media because I used to use social media for fun. I used to post pictures of even my kids when they were little, or I would post pictures of my garden and my food and the sky or whatever. And something happened at the end of my marriage and coming out. And my coming out and divorce and all of these years, I my confidence took a real hit. I think midlife too, like Yeah. entering that like late 30s, early 40s, like post having kids, even if you're not post having kids, just the stage of life I think can kind of mess with people's self-concept a little bit. You're you're not your twenties anymore, you know? You're Sure. Sure. and I did feel more vulnerable about posting, but As soon as the podcast was coming out, I just was like, I'm posting this. Like how I literally we because we posted on Spotify, but we didn't really have our Instagram. We hadn't had we didn't have a plan. It's not like we're having some kind No. of gr grand reveal, you know? You had like kind of an account at which we needed to kind of change so that we could both both use it. And we hadn't even done that when we put we were just No. like, let's get this podcast out here and see what happens. And then all of a sudden I was like, but how am I gonna tell people that that it's Then it we did it. We did There. Yeah. it. And so like I literally posted like a screenshot of our logo on my story and was like, I made a podcast. I think I directed them to the existing Instagram, which had nothing on it other than other than I love that. Yeah. our logo. But just people seeing that prepped people to be like, what is this? Where is it? And then and then we we posted a couple cute photos and just got some basic Instagram posts up just to connect with other accounts and And to have fun with it. It feels fun for me. If it did feel fun to kind of just engage in that way. Yeah, I think it's felt fun as well. there's something about your per it's vulnerable. the personal social media that you've had since like what early two thousands? Like there's a lot of people on there. And if you ever had your Instagram connected to your Facebook, then you're going into Facebook and man, it's scary out there. Who's gonna see it? Yeah, it is. And so I I don't know, that's the question. And I mean We've put it out there, Mandy. The idea Well, this is is that people will listen. this is the thing that we had to come to, you know. You we early, early weeks when we were first trying to figure out how to record the podcast, Meg was like, Hey, Mandy, I just had a realization that like people are gonna listen to this. Remember? I do. When we were like sharing the link with our friends, like, hey, we tried to record a s a session, what do you think? And it was just like so a raw cut, you know, and you were like, I'm like, you need to share it with people, Meg. Like we need to get feedback. That's is why we're doing this. I know. I know. And then I did. I I called you one Mm-hmm. day and I said, Mandy, I just realized we're we're we're at we're doing a podcast and people are and people We're actually doing it, but it might listen to it. I mean, but it's been fast. And and we It has been fast. learn a little bit, like you said, we learn a little bit every time we do it. Every time. And we're gonna get better at editing and we're gonna get a theme song eventually. And we're gonna try to post every Thursday because why not? Post an episode every Thursday. Drop an episode. Drop an episode. Post on Instagram. We're gonna drop an episode. Yeah. Yeah. We're gonna try and drop an episode. We're gonna drop it like a vocabulary. Yeah, I know. Well, what does it mean if we do a substack? like what what word do we use for that? Yeah, because SubSec is like its own kind of creature. I played around with it today. We are on SubStack now. We have one of the trailers up on SubSec with very f a very little, you know, text to accompany it and a couple images. And I feel like SubSec has this quality that's more like a storytelling quality, and we could maybe have some fun with some photos. But it's the same thing on Instagram for me too. I like Instagram for storytelling. I like sharing. photos and I like the reels. I like the interface. I like consuming content on Instagram. and I've really I've connected with people and I've learned so much with people who I follow on Instagram. It can be a suck. It can be an addiction, but it can also be a really beautiful place to stay in community with people. So Yeah, and you know, it's a way to get connected with us. So we'll be there. That's right. Follow. Do you like us? Do you like us yet? Yeah. Please like us. Please follow us. Please. That's right. So Meg and I thought we were gonna do a little, a little riff tonight, a little check-in. Mm-hmm. We kind of already checked in with each other about how we feel about the podcast. We're feeling lots of things. I was up at 645 when the first episode dropped because that's when my alarm goes off and that's when I scheduled the the episode to drop. And I was just like, I was giddy. I was excited. I didn't really have any, I didn't have fear. I was, I think I've Mm. I've worked past that fear. And Mm. now I just feel excited. And I know that other people are excited. And Meg, you have used this vocabulary that you got from a tarot reading the other day, which is that we are pregnant with possibility. Was it something like that? We are pregnant. Yeah, that's a no, that was it. That was exactly it. We are pregnant with possibilities, she said. I think so, 'cause we're infinite. I like that I like that for us. We're infinite like the stars and we're we're having We're building this podcast in this community to center queer space and queer existence and and that is infinite and it is not pie. And we are here to be a witness to people's stories. And I love that we've started this podcast and then I go and listen to some podcasts that I've listened to regularly over the past year or so. And I'm like, they're talking about basically the same thing that we just talked to Kai about the other day. Because it's just relevant, you know, and I think the more people that build these communities and and tell stories and witness each other in community, the better. It can only be a part of the small contribution we can all make in our own lives to be present and engaged, building community and Yeah, I think it's an important thing. Yeah, and I I think we continue to want to invite people into the space. Mm. Yes. Please let us know your feedback and also be cheeky and invite yourself onto the podcast 'cause we want to talk to you. We want to hear your stories. Yeah. Yeah. We do want to hear your stories. Made me gay podcast at gmail dot com Yeah. And if you have someone in your life who's like come out later in life and you've had a hard time with some stuff, that was I've gotten some feedback from some friends who were like, This is great. And also don't forget it was hard for us too, you know. I do I do tend to push back on that sometimes because that was definitely the feedback I got loud and clear from my ex and from my our couple therapist was to center This is so hard. This is so is really hard, you know, like it is, and it is hard to to witness someone transform and to go through the goobity goop stage to, you know, crystallize and Mm-hmm. and and come out the other end. And it's painful to be goop. Woof. So I think we are primarily centering the experiences of people who have gone through the process and sharing the By listening to their stories, you're going to learn, you're going to understand better and be able to apply that to your own lives as people who have these people in your lives. Does that make sense? It does make sense. I have a question for you, 'cause one of the curiosities from from somebody that gave some feedback was if you have someone who's come out later in life, like how do you support them? What langu you know, what questions do you ask? Mm. Mm. is there like things to say and things not to say? I don't I don't know. D I wonder if if just in this moment if there if you have any Anything that felt really good to you that somebody said Mm. or asked or Mm. a moment. Yeah, I don't know. I'm curious. I think it's just an engagement. It's just like a general engagement level and a curiosity. I think that felt really good for me when people would be curious and engaged. So like call out what's happening, validate people's feelings. let them know you see that this is a hard thing, or let them know that you see it's a beautiful thing. and ask questions about how it feels for them. And be curious about what their experiences. I can remember before coming out, like wanting to be closer to queer people and not necessarily knowing how to, and you know, being an kind of an academic person, just really diving into studying myself you know, through yoga and like self reflective practices like that, but also through intentionally. reading and learning and paying teachers of color and people at all intersections of life to educate me on my limited view as a white female body. Yeah. So curi curiosity. A big one. Yeah. Be curious. Yeah, be curious. question that I really liked was how long have you had this feeling or when did this when did you first notice Mm. this starting? I like I I appreciated that question. Hmm. Yeah. How long has it been like this for you? I think I've had some people ask me that. And it is important to to know that people care and that they want to know about that part because even though I did also at the same time want to be like, I'm still me. It's still me. I'm still Mandy. Like this is, I'm just becoming more and more me. It is important to to acknowledge that it's it's different. It is different. Yeah, it is different. And Mm. I guess I also in it I am still me and I also want to be s seen and noticed as different too. It's Yeah. Yeah. both. I that which is interesting. It is both. It is both. And us being able to find each other just to elevate that for each other and to validate each other's existence and all of that I think is really important. So it's hard when you're not also going through the same thing or of, you know, the LGBT community. it's hard it's hard to know. But yeah, just being curious, asking what is it like for you and Mm-hmm. And being hum and being humble. I don't know. There's something about the you don't have to ask the questions perfectly. Right? Mm mm. Yeah. But just like, hey, I don't know. I want to ask questions and I I any question, if any question I ask doesn't feel good or there's Mm-hmm. a way that I can ask it that would feel better, please tell me. Mm. I think it felt more isolating and hard before I found more queer community. That helped a lot because then I was getting, you know, validated and in caring relationships with people who yeah, who saw me and it's not that it's not that people Who were in my life when I was, you know, performing the compulsive heteronormativity normativity of life, like it's not that they didn't know me but or or see me or accept me. It's just that now I'm being me without the the masks. So it so it is a new me for them. They are experiencing Mm-hmm. a new me. And I think It's just been in glorious, beautiful ways now, now that I've been able to actually regulate and detach from being kind of enmeshed in in my previous romantic relationship. I found the space for myself to open up and unravel and it was painful at times, very painful. But it was the right kind of hard, as Glenn and Doyle would say. The right kind of hard and it was bringing for me, it was bringing me closer to myself and that felt so life giving that even though it Yeah. Yeah, exactly. was hard and there was a lot of grief and change happening in life and in the process and relationships Mm. that once were weren't the same, that that felt really good. Question for you, Meg. So Okay, hit me up. now that we've kind of shared our stories and we're going through these, I'm noticing that we have like this very similar timeline going on, right? Like we've we've discussed this timeline. We have these overlapping, like kind of major events that have lined up along the way. And I'm curious, we've we've we've also differentiated and and and seen where like you had this epiphany at a red light, I'm gay. after you already had the the visceral knowing that your marriage was over, right? Whereas I like tortured myself for years thinking, well, I can realize I'm gay and have these strong feelings, but then still was like trying to reckon staying in a relationship that wasn't actually for me. It wasn't right. So I feel like because of that I had to like work through things in a different way. You I feel like are coming up against some things now that Mm. maybe I feel like I've moved past. And I know that I can't come up with an example in this very moment, but I'm just curious, does that resonate at all? Do you feel like you're in a new level of processing around your identity in relationship to your like previous heteronormative existence? Right? The holidays are coming up, like things like that. different. Mm, it was. It was different and that I ha I was kind of like banging my head against the wall, like I think I'm gay, but I I don't know and I'm too scared to leave to leave this relationship. Whereas you were like very decisive and you were like, the marriage Yes. is over. Boom, and I'm gay. Okay, that makes sense. I'm gonna move forward in this way. And I I think I I was really sort of envious of you in a way. Like when we first started comparing notes that I was like, wow, you guys were able to just do this and just like speak like adults and like do all these changes. And now you're doing some mediation. You just had a mediation Mm. today, even. So you're just Yes. Yes. like even maybe just that logistical piece that's that feels different, That logistical piece. you know, like I'm way past that now. Yeah, I mean I I think that you have moved through all of that stuff already. You know, even when you and I first got together, you were already divorced and you guys had really you had really worked through a lot of that and Mm. already, you know, we we Mm-hmm. we are, you know, we've we've separated and well logistically we've you know and financially we're pretty separate, but we're doing this official thing now. And I think also Starting to have different conversations and about and curiosities aro around just like, yeah, what what will look continue to look the same, what might look different. So yeah, in that regard, that feels like yours is settled and done and I'm still kind of in that. Yeah, and I just wonder if that's bringing anything up for you. Mm. I think that that there's I have an awareness that this will be a com completion on a different level now. Mm, mm. You know, and I am anticipating that there will be feelings around that. Yeah. I think it would be weird if there weren't, you know. Mm. Mm-hmm. So that that that is probably one of the things that I kind of have this curiosity around where Yeah, just I wonder I wonder what what what will what will this kind of final thing be like for us, you know, and for me and for our family. Yeah. So Right. Yeah. Yeah. so that's that's feeling that like it's there for sure. Feeling present. Yeah. Yeah. It's a good question. And it's all interwoven with everything else you have going on in your life. You're doing so many things professionally. I mean, we're doing this podcast, but you're also still engaged with your somatic experiencing community Mm-hmm. and trainings, your private practice, being an amazing mom. Thank you. Having a romantic relationship. Having a romantic relationship, working on that always. Mm. That's right. And I am too, you know, yeah. Well, You are. Do you have anything you want to share about that right now? you know, my partner and I, we have been dating and then we've also been moving towards feeling more partnery. And we also Mm-hmm. have decided that we're moving in together sooner than later, but also slowly. Mm. So we're doing a trial run this week and Meg, I know you've been asking me for updates, so I'll just tell you about this cute moment I had this morning because It's about identity and I was getting ready for work and I put on my outfit for going to work, which is like a crew neck sweatshirt and some like terry cloth men's athletic shorts and black socks and black shoes. And I was just like, Yeah, P teacher vibes. I wasn't even like, yeah, I was like, no, this'll be this'll be practical fall. Like it'll be a little chilly, but maybe s you know, warmer today. And and my partner just was like, This outfit is giving me I don't know what she said, but it was just it was just a perfect cute moment where I think when I was going through feeling really bad in my relationship, really bad about myself, like I could have that same exact outfit on and feel Mm. a whole different way about myself. And I did, you know. I really did. Yeah. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Yeah. So it it kind of goes back to this thing that we've that we s that we have said where it's like not just being seen in this queer space but being celebrated in the queer Yes. space, right? And there you are looking gay this morning. I was looking I was looking super gay, yes. And you were seen and that was reflected and it was revered and I love that. I mean, clothing's a powerful thing. That was one of the things I first leaned into, I think, in my queer identity was like, how does it feel good for me to dress as like, you know, a forty something woman who's going towards being a P teacher and like gay. Yeah. I mean it just like it just it naturally came. It wasn't a stretch for me. It was kind of like, you know, some s part of the style I've always had. And, you know, the femme dresses and skirts and things have kind of toned down and That's felt normal and natural for me. but yeah, clothing's a powerful thing. I've I've seen you get into some cute little clothing. Have you tried on that shirt that I bought you from the consignment store yet? BT dubs. Have tried it on. I was thinking I'm gonna be wearing it tomorrow. I'll send you a pick. I'll send you a no. yay for the roller skate party. tomorrow for your training. no, my training is Friday. Maybe I should wear it on Friday. Save it and then wear it for roll a roller skating. but clothing, Wear it for a special day. Yes. That's a Friday shirt. clothing and style are powerful. And actually, I think maybe this is kind of going back to your question of like something that's been a little bit different. Is I don't know, I felt like I I did wrestle with. with that a little bit and like self expression and you know, I don't think I've made any crazy drastic changes. They feel more drastic to me than they do to other people. But Mm-hmm. yeah, self expression and through clothing and and has just has been feeling important and different as well. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And I was doing that for like years before I separated from my ex. Like You were. I saw you at school. You'd always you had all these fun flowered leggings. Just the one that I wear all the time. The I know, that you were all the time. like they're like bell bottom yoga pants that are They're super cute. covered in flowers. Yeah. I wear those all the time. I don't even wear those that much anymore. I'm more like give me the the Puma men's sweatpants that I got at the Ark. That's what I'm wearing right now. Yeah, that it's more comfortable. I don't want any more tight any Like how long did I live my life and not wear men's sweatpants? I literally, I cannot believe it took me until I am 46 years old to go to the freaking thrift store and find men's shorts and pants to put on my body because it is life-changing. I know, I know. Infinitely more comfortable. For a tall person with long legs, I have lived my entire life. The short there my pants are always too short. Always too short. Always. I know, I know. And Amazing. it's all it's just they're more comfortable too. I can wear them. It's permission. We've given ourselves permission. Right? That's Yeah. Yes. what a look always talks about. Giving yourself the permission to express and and be you. Such Be you. a simple thing. People are like, who cares? I care. I care that I just figured this out. It's ridiculous. But I'm so happy. Happy to report it's working. And I'm thriving. Yeah. And you know, we're we always have to remember we're exactly where we're supposed to be. The timeline is ours and we're right in the right spot on our timeline. So this is when you were meant to figure it out. That's right. I do agree. Well, you and I have some editing to do, my dear. I think We do. that we can drop a little preview of the episodes that are coming with Kai Miller, our dear friend, licensed clinical social worker. Kai's expertise and attachment was so welcomed and well you'll hear, but even for me, I just was connecting some really important dots for myself and hopefully they'll feel important to you all too. Yeah, I hope you all enjoy the conversation and thanks for hanging with us today. We will be back and we want to hear from you at the Made Me Gay podcast, mademe gay podcast at gmail.com. Not the made me gay podcast, but you know. And go Just made me gay podcast. Yep. And find our Instagram and share and like and subscribe and all those good things. Yes, thank you for being with us. Have a great day. You gonna say it first? We hope to hear from you. We'll see you next time, baby. Bye. Deuces. Bye. See you next time. Deuces Deuces. Bye.