Latest / The Hannah Hammond Show / Clayton Echard shares the TRUTH about being the Bachelor & Overcoming Depression

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Clayton Echard shares the TRUTH about being the Bachelor & Overcoming Depression · The Hannah Hammond Show

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But I hated him, you know, at least I thought I did.
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I felt this hate and envy for his existence because it was
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like he was physically stronger than me.
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I had two years of life on him. I should be bigger, stronger,
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faster, smarter, better looking, better with women.
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Clayton's not smart, and the way he handled this is terrible and
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blah, blah, blah. And so all these people are
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talking about how poorly of a job I've, you know, done as the
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Bachelor. Everyone's talking about how
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stupid I am on TV, live television.
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They're telling me how dumb I am.
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And my DMS, they're on ready. They tell me how stupid I am on
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Twitter, telling me how stupid I am.
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So I'm getting all this hitting me at once, thousands of
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messages. I get up, I walk over to this
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the the back door of the house and I'm staring out the window
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and I stare out that window for 30 minutes and I'm just sitting
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there thinking, why me? How much easier would it be if I
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just wasn't here and didn't exist?
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I, I one more thing that I failed at, you know, I got the
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opportunity of a lifetime and I swatched it.
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I just ruined it, you know, like that just goes to show I'll
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never go. I'll never be good enough.
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Everything that I that I touch turns to shit.
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So, you know, I'm, I'm thinking like it's be easier if I just
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gave up on and get in, threw it all away.
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And so it's sort of like, you know, everyone making fun of me.
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I was like, wait, people are OK with me being a man and crying.
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And it actually like ended up getting me the role of the
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bachelor like this. So it actually benefited me to
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cry. I was like, so real men can cry.
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Like that's not what I, you know, ever.
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Like that's not what I hardwired in my rank prior.
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Possible Thanks for being on the show today.
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So for those of you who don't know, I'm sitting here with my
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friend Clayton Eckard, who is a formal football player.
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He was the Bachelor in 2022, Season 26, I told.
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Someone recently I was like, I'm season 28.
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I was like, no, that, never mind.
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That's Joey. I don't know what season I have
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anymore. I afraid of numbers.
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Yeah, and then I think you see that 18 on The Bachelorette.
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Yes. OK, Ferpa, so 2021 and 2022.
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And so you're a national American TV personality and
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you're just an awesome person. And for those of you listening,
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like Clayton's been deemed to be one of the most handsome men in
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America. He's just B.
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That's what Wikipedia. So Wikipedia says 0.
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Wow, word for word. You know that people can edit
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Wikipedia, right? For all you know, it was me.
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I mean, they're all like, he's the smartest, most intelligent,
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eligible bachelor. Like every girl should want to.
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People that called Clay *** one of those handsome men in
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America. That must have been my mom when
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they said Peebles, but there's people that be my mom.
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They must have interviewed her. So no, I mean it's it's funny
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what I find online sometimes I even like asked ChatGPT
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recently. I was like, I prefer I was doing
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it for her, but I I was like, is Clay Necker to units?
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I was like, I was like, look, who could chat chat TBT will say
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about me to my brothers. I was messing with them and
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they're like, well, my clique's physical stature, like he's
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absolutely defined as a unit. And I just like laughing and I'm
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like, it's just funny how you can have the Internet, what it
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pulls from all these places and it's just ridiculous.
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So yeah, I'm handsome to some. I mean it's.
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Creative. You're really.
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Handsome. Well, thank you.
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I'm not fishing for compliments right now.
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It's to AIR. I just find it funny that
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somebody typed that in on my computer.
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But thank you. Yeah.
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Yeah, but seriously, I mean, you know, you're, you have it all
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right. You're the to be the bachelor,
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you have to have some sort of handsomeness to you and the
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whole I'm really excited to talk to you because I know you and I
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have, you know, I've been fortunate to get to know you
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behind the scenes a bit. And we've all far, very open
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about our struggles with mental health and body dysmorphia and
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insecurity and self worth. And a lot of things that a lot
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of people on the outside would probably look at somebody like
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you or somebody like me and be like, what is wrong with you?
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Like, why are you complaining? And you have it all and your
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life must be perfect and everything like that.
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And so I'm really glad that you're open about those things.
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And you even have a podcast called Beyond the Cover that
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really dives into some of those struggles that you face and that
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other people face and these challenges that we go through in
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life. And you know, the biggest power
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being one inside of our head, right?
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So. Which everybody has in their own
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degree, to their own degree, which I found.
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And that's why, yeah, I'm super passionate about my podcast
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because it's allowing multiple voices to be heard and from all
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different backgrounds. And so it's been cool because I
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don't feel, I mean, not a single story has been the same from the
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next one from every guest that I've had on.
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I mean, even if they're in the same field, stories are
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completely different. And I wanted, you know, create a
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culmination of stories that really then can impact everybody
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that listens to it. So there'll be a story for
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everyone that somebody can relate to.
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And you know, that relation is what gives people hope.
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And that's what I'm after because there is this fallacy
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that I have everything and he's, I can't feel bad for him because
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he's got all these great things going for him.
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And you know that I've seen that online.
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And that's really extremely minimizing to, to say like, oh,
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he's 65, he's a good looking guy.
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Can't really feel bad for her. It's like, what are you saying
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if I was a 5 foot seven guy that was ugly by your standards that
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you can feel bad for me? I mean, so you're penalizing me
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for the attributes that I have. I don't like it.
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And I think, you know, whether you like everyone has problems,
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doesn't matter how good looking you are.
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It doesn't matter how much money you have.
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At the end of the day, we are creatures that are wired for
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growth. So our brains will continue to
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search for something that we don't have a perceived lack like
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we're we're meant to grow. And that's why, you know, like
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I'm getting a mental health speech tomorrow and a big part
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of my talk is about the three stages of existence in my, and
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I'm sure someone else coined this.
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I just am like a sponge that picks up all these different
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viewpoints and then I create my own.
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But I, you know, recently came to this place where I realized
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like there's three states of consciousness that people are in
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like, well, the first is the unconscious.
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And so I, I relate that to all the times where people are
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scrolling on their phone, doom scrolling when they're watching
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TV or a movie or playing video games.
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It's the state of mind where like you're completely shutting
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off your brain. You're able to just like sit
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there and zone outs, right, like that's the unconscious and I
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think a lot of people stay in that state and you look around,
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people are walking around town, they're at dinners, there's a
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staring straight at their phones and there's nothing really
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happening other than like whatever they're looking at,
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they on that screen is where all of their attention is going to
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was not really a conscious thought occurring.
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It's just like your brains like, oh, dope, mean, dope, mean
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dopamine spike, spike, spike, spike feels good, feels good,
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feels good. But then like we feel guilty on
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the other side of it because it's like you just spent an hour
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and a half not being conscious and you know, deep down your
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subconscious knows that like I didn't accomplish anything by
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just doing this for the last hour and a half.
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And so there's that unconscious mindset, there's the conscious
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mindset and then that subconscious.
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To me, the subconscious is intuition.
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It's that, you know, can some people say it's God is the
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higher is that void singer hat that's telling you?
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Like, I probably shouldn't be spending all my time being in
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this unconscious state because we're not meant to be.
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But yeah, there's so many distractions around us that
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place us in that position. And so I've done a lot of
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reflection and healing and trying to understand myself.
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And the show was a catalyst for that.
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And now my journey is really just trying to get others to see
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what's tearing them down and what's actually causing them to
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be unhappy. And it's to me, a lot of the
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unhappiness stems from a place of unconscious thinking.
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It's like you're so unhappy because you're not taking the
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time to step back at asking question.
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And what is making me unhappy? Because there's an answer for
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it. It's just people aren't either
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they don't know how to ask the right questions or are they just
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aren't taking the time to ask them.
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So I find that since I've been asking the questions, I'll
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become much higher. And I want to get into the the
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healing journey that you've been on.
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And I know we've kind of both put on the same similar healing
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journey and have charge and similar experiences.
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But to backtrack, you know, where does your insecurity kind
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of start and begin? And I know we talked a lot about
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Dabramate and how that, you know, the first trauma and most
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people is not feeling seen her protected by one or both of
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their parents, which a lot of us, I think, can probably relate
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to. And that sometimes can lead to
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addictions or, you know, think about even over good addictions
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that the society makes in, you know, society claims to be good,
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like success or what a holism or, you know, being a sore
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athlete or all these things that we get rewarded for.
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But when were you always kind of insulated For me, I was always
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insecure. I was always not good enough.
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I was always felt Dunlop and all those things.
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Like when did that start for you?
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And did you ever like how do you kind of look at yourself in the
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Mirror Now versus when you were younger when kind of proud of
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that progress? Yeah, So I started feeling
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insufficient the second that my middle brother started beating
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me at every athletic event, which probably put me right
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around, I want to say, 6th grade, 6th or 5th grade.
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I remember there was a point when I went to a friend's farm.
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I lived in Missouri, and he had this farmland and his family
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invited us out. And so we stayed the week in
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there. And some way, somehow, me and my
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brother got into a wrestling match and my brother's two years
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younger than me, and he beat me. And he got up and walked away
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after he'd beaten me. And I ran after him when he
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walked away and I hit him in the back of the head because I was
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embarrassed at the time. I mean, I just was, I lost, but
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I was so upset that I like go and hit this, you know, my
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brother who I love, but I hated him.
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You know, at least I thought I did.
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I felt this hate and envy for his existence because it was
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like he was physically stronger than me.
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He was a better athlete. So I started feeling like, well,
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I'm just not good enough because I should be better than my
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brother. I had two years of life on him.
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I should be bigger, stronger, faster, smarter, better looking,
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better with women. And my brother is a really
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accomplished individual. He always has been.
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And so it started with him, but it wasn't his fault.
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He just existed, you know, And unfortunately, I didn't like
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feeling that I was the little brother, even though I was the
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older brother. So it started there and then it
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just progressed where people didn't realize that this
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perception of not feeling good enough really irked me.
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And my brother being around bothered me at every corner
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because he was excelling in life.
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And I was, you know, I had the victim I had set, but I, you
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know, didn't realize that. I just blamed it on other
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things. And when I went to high school,
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well, I guess I would say like when I was a junior in high
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school, my brother comes in as a freshman and he starts varsity
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as a freshman. So varsity football, he's
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starting as a freshman. I was still on JB as a junior at
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this point. So now all my teammates are
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telling me I should quit football and I'm not good
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enough. And I suck in my it's
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embarrassing that my brother was two years younger starting
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varsity before I ever did. So I'm hearing that.
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Meanwhile, he's also like always been smooth with women, like
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he's always had confidence and I never did.
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So like why I was friendzoned by all the girls.
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I was called Big Brother. That was my nickname, which I
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hated. And these girls thought that was
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endearing and it was, it was meant to be endearing, but I
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hated it because I was like, no, I don't want to be your own
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brother. I want to date you.
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And so they friendzone me. I even are girls ever more
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interested in my brother. You know, when I was like he was
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a sophomore and I was a senior and like these girls were more
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interested in him. And so I, it bothered me like,
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because I was like, there's, it doesn't make like, how
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embarrassing is it that I have a like senior women that are more
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would rather date my sophomore brother, although they wouldn't
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date him because he was too young.
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But like they would even could they rather date him than me?
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Like are they would they saw him that he was just like, Oh, he's
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just not as awkward as Clayton is.
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And so I just got so in my head and really, if I'd have just not
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been overthinking so much. And I thought that I remember
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all the messages I would send to girls, like I thought I had to
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make them laugh. Every single thing that I said
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that came out of my mouth had to be funny.
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So I would like everything I would say.
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I tried too hard to be funny and it was like, I needed to just
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try less. But my brain thought that I had
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to like somebody somewhere a long way.
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So I was like, you want to get a girl like you make a laugh.
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That's what at the heart I was like, OK, that means I have to
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be like a comedian. And so I tried to and I'm not a
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comedian. So it was it ended up just
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coming out like came out as awkward and cringy.
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It was my own damage. Like I was creating this all
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this damage all in my own head. And I was proceeding myself to
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be less than and I was overthinking and trying too hard
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and it was coming across as inauthentic.
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And so I live a large majority of my life as inauthentic
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individual. I created this event Facade when
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I went to College of this successful collegiate athlete
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and I started getting respect and women started to kind of
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things started changing that dynamic because now I didn't
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have to say a whole lot. I was just a Division One
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football player. So I didn't have to have game
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and I didn't have to make girls laugh.
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I just had to exist. I mean, girls were like, Oh my
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gosh, she's a Division One football player.
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And so we were treated like royalty in college.
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The problem was is that like I was getting this attention that,
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you know, for what I had done, but not who I was.
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And I didn't really have to open my mouth.
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It was just like I existed as a football player and that was
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enough. Like girls wouldn't throw
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themselves at, you know, collegiate athletes, but it was
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the wrong kind of attention. So then what happened is like,
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then I got cut from, you know, I went to NFL briefly, got cut
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very quickly. And then it was like, wait, I
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don't have a personality because I didn't have to have full, you
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know, I kind of got away with just like my accolades playing
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football. And so then I go into medical
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sales and, you know, that kind of worked where I would like
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people would ask me and I would tell them what I did.
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That was my way of feeling important.
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Well, I'm a medical device. I would say I'm an orthopedic
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medical device sales representative for Striker
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Orthopedics. And I just made the title as
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long as it was because it was just like, like, I would lose
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them in it. But they like, wow, that sounds
13:10
really important. Yeah, I work with doctors, and I
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work in the LR. You're in the LR?
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Yeah. They help with surgeries.
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And it's like I was doing everything in my power to
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impress people with what I had done, but it was never who I
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was. I was like hiding behind this
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job title. Like then I didn't even like, I
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mean, I didn't mind medical sales.
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Honestly, in hindsight, I didn't mind it.
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But like, I was, I, I took the job in the 1st place because I
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watched people be like, oh, it's impressive.
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You work for surgeons. And, and I could tell them I
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made six figures right out of college.
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So I'm like, yeah, now I'm, I'm impressive because I make a lot
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of money, you know, more than all my friends do.
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I have my own house. I bought a car.
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You know, all my friends are paying off their loans and
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they're living with their parents.
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But then what happened was all my friends caught up to me.
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So so they all started making their money and passing me.
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And then I wasn't making the most money of all my friends.
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And so I was like, I have to make more money.
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That's what's going to solve this problem.
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And all the while, it was like, no, what you keep doing is you
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keep seeking a external validation because it goes all
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the way back to when you and your brother would wrestle each
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other in the house and you would lose to him.
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And you started feeling insufficient from competing with
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your brother. And then you started trying to
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find all these ways just to, you know, basically fill that void
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of validation that I took away from myself.
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You know, I was wanting other people to fill that void,
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whether it was people telling me I was great or whether it was,
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you know, playing a sports and feeling and feeling that I was
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enough. Like I was trying to fill the
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void of internal validation with external validation.
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Then I would do it. But it never stuck because those
14:43
things ended. And so it's like what football
14:45
ended? I had this massive chasm of a
14:48
lack of validation. And so I was like, well, I need
14:50
to find, you know, more external validation.
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I didn't even know at the time that I lacked the internal
14:54
validation. Validation.
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I mean, people would tell me like, hey, maybe you know, do
14:59
you love yourself? And I would just be like, yeah,
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of course. Yeah, why would I not?
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You know, because it was my ego jumping in.
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But I didn't even know what an ego was.
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Like, I know I go up in a house with three waters, you know,
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like including myself. We didn't talk about emotions.
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So I didn't know about ego. I didn't know about conscious
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and unconscious and subconscious thinking.
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And like all this was foreign mindfulness.
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And I didn't even really know about anxiety or like any of
15:21
those emotions. In college, I had an
15:23
ex-girlfriend say I struggle with anxiety and I said, why do
15:27
you not think about it? She's like, what do you mean?
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I said just don't think about it.
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I don't think about it. Like you can't have anxiety if
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you don't think about it. Now I'm like, that was the the
15:34
most ignorant statement ever. But I didn't mean any malicious
15:37
intent by it. I just genuinely was like, I
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don't have it. And I did have it.
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I just wouldn't accept the fact that my ego basically pushed all
15:44
those emotions down and was like, oh, how about the anxiety?
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It was like, yes, you do. You've that discomfort you feel
15:49
is anxiety, but you just won't give it a name.
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So it exists just because you won't give it a name.
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It still exists, but the second you give it a name now it's
15:55
real, right? So even though I suppress it,
15:58
said you can suppress it all you want, you still feel
16:00
uncomfortable. So I felt anxiety all along.
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I just didn't acknowledge her. But then eventually I was like,
16:05
I am so miserable. I kept piling up all these
16:07
stresses in my life and I was like, I am so extremely
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miserable. I don't even know if I want to
16:12
be here anymore. So that's why I started having
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the, you know, suicidal ideation.
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And I had it in 7th grade and but I was honestly too afraid to
16:21
do anything. Like the thought of taking my
16:23
life scared me a lot. I was like, I'm not, I'm not
16:25
brave enough to do it. That's what I generally thought.
16:28
So I was like, I'm too afraid to do that.
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And so I, but I had those thoughts and, and I did love my
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family and I was like, I don't, I would want to burden them with
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that. So, you know, I kind of struggle
16:36
with that on and off. I'd have these thoughts come up
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for years, like not all the time, but they come cycling back
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in. And yeah, it was just, I just
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felt like it kept the pain kept piling up.
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And then finally I got to a place where I was like, I have
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to somehow be able to release this, Like I have to be able to
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release this stress. Well, the jam was a great stress
16:54
reliever. So I just hit the gym after all
16:55
these years, you know, but then I was like, I have two hours in
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the gym. I don't want to do 2 hours in
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the gym. So I was like, I want you an
17:00
hour in the gym. And so I was like, OK, well I
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need something to like get rid of this.
17:04
And I realized it was like, you have to start talking about
17:06
that. You know, you have to start like
17:08
letting this out, like your, you know, your ego, like your inner,
17:12
like your intuition wants to get this out.
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So do it. And I was like, well, how do I
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do it? And you know, that's when I
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started getting exposed to different modalities and stuff.
17:20
So where I'm at today, to answer your question in a long winded
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way, because everything I say is long winded, I'm in a much
17:26
better spot. I found self love and
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self-confidence, which I've, I can say I've never had in my
17:30
life until probably 8 months ago.
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And it's just getting better now because, but it took a, it took
17:36
a lot to get there. You know, it got harder before
17:38
it got better. I thought the 2nd that I would
17:40
dove into mental health and mindfulness.
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I thought it would just get, get the better.
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But in fact, it got worse because I was like, wait, what?
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So there's something called there's anxiety, there's
17:48
depression, there's angst, there's all these different
17:50
emotions that I never even like, knew how to define them.
17:53
So then all of a sudden I could define them and I was like, Oh
17:55
my gosh, like, hey, overwhelmed. So I was like, there's so too
17:57
much that there's so much stuff that I'm not aware of, but I'm
18:00
now becoming aware of and I have no experience with them.
18:04
So now I have to like commit a, you know, full time to trying to
18:07
understand these emotions and how they impact me and how I
18:10
respond accordingly. We have a full time job.
18:12
Yeah. And so I guess I in a way, I was
18:14
blessed with having time after TV to go into therapy and like
18:18
take some down time to start to understand myself.
18:21
But it was a full time job. I mean, I was spending many
18:24
hours of my day doing the bare minimum to make money and then
18:27
diving into my my mental health. And, you know, that's where it
18:30
took. I wanted to fast track myself to
18:33
healing, so I basically became a full time therapist for myself,
18:37
learning as I went. And that was, you know, that's
18:39
why I can share my stories and what I mean.
18:41
It's also it was hard, you know, to self diagnose.
18:44
And that's when I started getting wise and started, you
18:46
know, going to therapy, journaling and listening to
18:49
mental health podcasts every day, one hour a day for entire
18:52
year because I was like, I don't have the words to explain where
18:55
I'm feeling. So I need to go figure out where
18:57
these words exist and like make sense of.
19:00
So podcasting, Julie Impact formula.
19:02
Yeah, my there first talks about just people need to get it all
19:06
out, just like you mentioned it just express themselves and
19:08
Shiaki took me to a rage room in 10 B and we like turn on rage
19:13
music and just take a baseball bat and bash glasses, scream and
19:17
yell. As you know, most as especially
19:19
as a female, like we don't ever spree wear yell.
19:21
It's just I'm like we're just fine all the time.
19:23
And I think you know men too. But men but.
19:25
When you're concerned, if you start screaming, yell, you're
19:27
crazy, right? So no, I don't want to be look
19:29
crazy because you probably bought yourself to a high, you
19:32
know, like I want to look professional and I want to see
19:34
like I have it all put together. And so problem is when you start
19:37
to focus on that, you don't allow yourself to be human.
19:40
Like everybody you know has a trigger at some point that
19:43
causes them to be emotional and get angry or or upset.
19:46
And it's like, but when you're so hyper focused on, I need to
19:50
be seen as enough, anything that you feel might do the opposite,
19:54
you protect, it gets and you hide, you know, so you don't let
19:57
those emotions. I would not let myself cry for
19:59
years because I remember the last time I told myself that I
20:02
would ever cry again in front of people 'cause I was made fun of
20:05
it. A girl at a party when I was a
20:07
freshman in high school. I went to a house party and a
20:10
rock fell on her foot and like split it wide over.
20:13
Like splitter bang tell why I was just crying.
20:15
And I really like this girl a lot.
20:16
So I started like crying too, which yeah, I look back on now
20:19
and I'm like, people were, I mean, I was made fun of so much
20:22
for that. All the guys were like Clayton,
20:24
trying to costume your podcast. Of course they're like, Clayton,
20:26
you're such a pussy. Like it wasn't even your foot.
20:29
And like they were making fun like, oh, wait, wait.
20:31
Like, well, like and now. But I just felt bad for her.
20:33
And so like, I cried because I felt bad for her.
20:35
I might have been in 8th grade, but you know, so I was young.
20:38
And so but then what happened was in that moment, I was crying
20:41
for my friends are calling me a pussy.
20:42
And then I was like, hey, like, I'll go with you to the
20:45
hospital. And she's like, no, no, it's OK.
20:46
Like she was like turned off by me empathizing with her crying.
20:50
And so in that moment, I felt I felt so outcasted.
20:53
And then my friends like bullied, you know, not for
20:55
people that knew me and weren't friends bullied me or made fun
20:58
of me for that, that instant, that instance.
21:00
And like talked about it for weeks and months to come.
21:02
And I. So that was the day that I said
21:04
I will never cry in front of people ever again.
21:07
And I didn't I think probably it's all reality television.
21:09
Yeah. Like when I went on the
21:11
Bachelorettes, I got caught up in a moment where I did not
21:15
anticipate crying. I was go hot cock completely off
21:17
guard. They had these kids come in and
21:20
say goodbye to me after I had been like I didn't wasn't given
21:23
a ropes from The Bachelorette the the the prior day.
21:26
These kids, like we had the whole day with these kids.
21:28
I mean like we we colored with them, We built forts with them.
21:32
Like we and our the whole point was we were trying to like at
21:35
the end, the kids were going to choose who their favorite guy
21:37
was to go on a date with The Bachelorette.
21:39
And so I end up winning that and being able to go on of the date
21:43
with The Bachelorette and she didn't give me a rose.
21:46
And so I was I was sent home, but I was the next before I was
21:49
sent home, the kids came and met me like in my hotel and like,
21:53
hey, we wrote you a card and we want, you know, it's a read it,
21:56
but don't read until we leave. And I'll say, OK.
21:58
And so they leave and, you know, the producers like, OK, you
22:02
could you could read it now, you know, they get the cameras in
22:04
position. They're like, all right, you can
22:04
read it. And so I was like, OK, so I open
22:06
it up and the first part of it was written by the boy.
22:10
And he was like, I guess Michelle.
22:12
Oh, that was her name. That's right.
22:13
I guess Michelle just doesn't like big muscles and that's why
22:15
she said y'all. So I laugh and I'm like, God,
22:17
that's and so then it gets to the the sister, So they're
22:21
brother, sister and the the girl she starts writing and she's
22:24
like, I really enjoyed spending time with you yesterday.
22:27
I feel like you're the older brother that I don't have, but
22:31
wish that I did have because you were just so awesome and I
22:36
really enjoyed spending time with you and I would as I was
22:39
reading in, I was reading it. I don't have a sister.
22:42
So I started reading it through the lens of like, this is what
22:45
it would feel like if I had a younger sister writing a card to
22:48
me. And it was just so heartfelt and
22:50
it was so unexpected to be reading this and put myself in
22:54
that position of like the Big Brother that I just lost him.
22:57
I start crying my eyes out because I realized I'll never
23:00
be. I don't think my parents are
23:02
going to have another kid at this point either.
23:04
Done. They're they're 60s.
23:06
But what happened was in that moment I realized I was like,
23:08
well, this will never happen. I'll never be a Big Brother to a
23:11
younger sister. But then I, I started like
23:13
switching my brain in that moment to like, this is what it
23:15
would feel like if I was a father to a daughter and I just
23:19
lost it. I started crying my eyes out and
23:22
I, you know, I started saying things like, I just want to have
23:25
a family. Like I just want to be happy.
23:26
Like I, I just want this feeling.
23:29
This is what I want. This is what I've been after all
23:31
this time of the chasing after external validation.
23:34
But I just want to get a card from my future daughter telling
23:37
me how much I mean to her. You know, that's what that felt
23:40
like in that moment. And so, you know, I, I just
23:42
cried my eyes out then that was like the first time I was not
23:46
expecting it, but that I allowed myself, well, I didn't shoot
23:49
really allow it. It just happened.
23:50
I was vulnerable and crying on TV.
23:52
And what do you know, it ended up leading to me becoming the
23:55
Bachelor. People like love that I was
23:57
emotional. They love to see that they're
23:59
like, Oh my gosh, this guy wants a family.
24:01
Like he's such a great guy. And that was raw emotion.
24:04
And so it's sort of like, you know, everyone making fun of me.
24:06
I was like, wait, people are OK with me being a man and crying.
24:10
And it actually like ended up getting me the role of the
24:13
bachelor like this. So it actually benefited me to
24:15
cry. I was like, so real men can cry.
24:18
Like that's not what I, you know, ever.
24:20
Like that's not the what I hardwired in my rank prior.
24:22
And so I started to be OK with being open and vulnerable.
24:25
Like that was the the catalyst that I didn't realize I need it.
24:28
And then on the back. So I cried a couple times.
24:30
I still was fighting it and unfortunately it kind of hurt me
24:33
because there's a couple times where the women were being
24:35
emotional and I was, you know, stone faced.
24:38
But that's when you started to realize that real men can cry,
24:41
and that's when you started to feel comfortable sharing your
24:43
emotions. Yeah, why I in that moment, I
24:46
realized that I was being validated positively for showing
24:51
emotion. And so that kind of like cracked
24:54
my brain that moment, but it's still.
24:56
Then I go on The Bachelor and you know, there was there was a
24:59
moment where like, yeah, the women were being emotional and I
25:02
appeared stone faced and I was because I wanted to show
25:06
strength in that moment when they were being vulnerable and
25:08
when they were hurt. And so I still thought like when
25:12
a woman is crying, I need to be their rock.
25:15
Like I need to be the one that's strong.
25:16
So I can't also show emotion. I need to show strength.
25:21
And to me, strength was like a man being able to look at
25:25
someone and then just like be there for them, but not
25:29
necessarily like, you know, don't, don't, don't cry with
25:32
them. You know, like be that rock for
25:34
them. Well, it came across on TV as
25:36
like, I didn't care, which wasn't true.
25:38
So then I'm like, well, that's not the right way to handle it.
25:40
Like, but I tried. I was trying to be there for
25:42
them. But also like I had cried just
25:46
off camera, you know, I cried behind closed doors.
25:49
I was like, OK, so I can cry, but don't cry in front of these
25:52
women that you're like, because that that would be a sign of
25:55
weakness. So cry behind closed doors.
25:57
So the show has me crying, just not in front of the girls
26:00
because I was still not OK with crying in front of people.
26:04
Again, when I cried on The Bachelorette, I cried to a
26:07
camera like, but there was just there was a person holding a
26:11
camera. And to me they didn't, they
26:13
were, there wasn't a person behind it.
26:14
And I don't and like I got to know the cameraman, you know,
26:17
men and women. But like when they filmed, I
26:19
didn't there was a person holding a camera, but I didn't
26:21
see the person. I saw a camera.
26:22
It would be no different as if I was like crying in front of my
26:25
phone, you know, And so still on The Bachelor, I only cried
26:29
whenever there was, you know, when there was nobody around.
26:33
So, and I, I love this topic because it just shows like, no
26:38
matter what you do and like there's going to be half of
26:40
people that hate it, right? There may be a little bit more
26:43
like a little bit more don't like it versus like it or
26:45
whatnot. But it's like a presidential
26:47
election pretty much about 5050. Half the people, no matter what
26:52
you do, no matter what you say, no matter what you look like, no
26:54
matter what you act like, you're going to be disapproved by how
26:57
people. And in my opinion, I wrote a
26:59
poem when I was in I think 6th grade and one of the lines was
27:03
love me, love me not. I'm fine with either way.
27:05
Because if one's loved by all, they'd be a soul of grey.
27:08
Because if you're truly like loved by all, then you're
27:12
morphing into how you want each and every person to perceive you
27:17
to be, you know, to be in their approval.
27:20
And so that means you are hiding your authentic self.
27:23
And when I started to understand, like, oh, you know,
27:26
I'm getting made fun of by my brother for being chubby.
27:29
And then I became super skinny and now I'm being made fun of
27:31
for being super skinny. And then I was made fun of
27:34
because my, you know, whatever, right?
27:36
And I were flipped to the opposite to try to get that
27:37
validation and approval and, and self worth.
27:40
And then I would be made fun of for the opposite thing.
27:42
And so it's like, what's the point?
27:45
Just be your authentic self because people are not going to
27:49
prove of whatever you are would no matter what you are.
27:53
So you might as well just me who you are so you can have self
27:55
love. Yeah, absolutely.
27:57
Yeah. I mean, I became one of the
27:59
world's best chameleons, and I was really good at it.
28:01
I mean, I was able to become what I thought people wanted me
28:05
to be, and I was able to do it successfully.
28:09
I really don't truthfully believe so.
28:13
I wonder, I'm not certain fully, but if I had self love all the
28:17
way through my childhood into high school, I don't think I
28:20
would have ever have played football in college or in the
28:22
NFLI. Did it because my last high
28:26
school game, my dad walked up to me and he was crying and I
28:31
hardly ever saw my dad cry. And he was like, I'm so proud of
28:34
you, son. And I remembered that feeling
28:37
and I said, I want that again. That's this can't be the last
28:40
time that I ever feel this. And so I said, OK, well, if I
28:43
won this again, that I have to continue playing football.
28:47
That's what my brain thought. Like I've never seen him, you
28:49
know, show show emotion like this to me and ever before and
28:53
at any and any other matter. So I have to continue to play
28:55
football. So I said I was going to walk on
28:59
at Mizzou and my parents face lit up and I knew right then I
29:04
was like, Yep, that's what I'm doing.
29:05
I'm going, I'm going to go play football.
29:08
And so I walked on and made the team and, and then after about
29:11
like, you know, three or four months, I thought about quitting
29:15
because I wasn't having fun. And it was hard.
29:19
And I just was like, this isn't for me.
29:21
And I told my parents I was going to quit and they were
29:24
disappointed. And that disappointment was
29:27
enough of I was like, no, never mind.
29:29
I don't want them to be disappointed.
29:30
So I remember that whenever my parents, you know, would be
29:34
upset with me and maybe like raise their voices, that didn't
29:36
bother me. But when they said they were
29:37
just disappointed or it, it wrecked me.
29:40
It was like they were basically telling me that I was dead to
29:42
the which they never said, but you know, that's what I would
29:45
equate to to somebody. It's like when someone were to
29:47
just basically cut you off from their life.
29:48
That's how it felt whenever my parents said they were
29:50
disappointing me because I felt like it was only a matter of
29:54
time before they would cut me off if they were just point
29:56
enough. And so, you know, I was like, I
29:59
can't disappoint them. And so I, you know, put my head
30:02
back down and kept working. And, and then I started getting,
30:05
getting the validation. I started becoming like, I got a
30:07
scholarship and I started playing for Mizzou.
30:09
It's like, hey, this guy that never had any scholarship offers
30:12
is now playing Division One football, which was very, you
30:15
know, a big deal. Like I'm playing at one of the
30:17
top colleges in the nation and now we're ranked #5 in the
30:20
nation and I'm playing. It's like, so I've literally won
30:23
the best college, like on one of the best college teams and I'm
30:26
playing. So I'm a really good athlete by
30:29
anyone's metric. And then I started getting a
30:32
little dat by by NFL scouts and I never believed in myself this
30:35
entire time. So I was shocked whenever my
30:37
line tight end coach was like, hey, Clayton, some of these
30:40
scouts are here for you today. And I was like, what?
30:41
He's like, yeah, they're they're here for you.
30:43
Like, and the other guys because we had a bunch of first round
30:45
draft picks, but he's like, no, they're actually, they're asking
30:48
about you. And I was like, they are.
30:50
I was completely blown away. I had to tell it all along, but
30:52
I didn't possess the mindset. I didn't believe in myself.
30:55
So it's like, what could I have been if I believed in myself?
30:58
I mean, I could have been, who knows?
30:59
But that being said, you know, this desire for external
31:05
validation is also also has now become my single greatest gift.
31:10
It's the silver lining. I'm so grateful that I actually
31:13
lacked self love because that lack of self love caused me to
31:18
create a work ethic that is unmatched.
31:21
I mean, and and that's why my ego sometimes gets really,
31:23
really pissed off whenever, you know, I hear a lot of outside
31:27
inside noise by people from the band, you know, bachelor world,
31:30
these fans that are like Clayton was given everything and all my
31:33
ego hates hearing that because I'm like, given, are you kidding
31:37
me? Like, let me show you a picture
31:40
of me from 7th grade. Let me show you my physique.
31:42
As a junior in high school, I was not given anything other
31:46
than my height. You know, I didn't do anything
31:48
for that. Maybe I drank more milk than,
31:50
you know, and then less soda. So I did, you know, that helped
31:52
me out. There was hormones in the milk,
31:54
apparently, you know, when we were younger.
31:55
And so like, maybe this and that growth hormone help them get me
31:57
a little taller. But oh, I get so agitated when I
32:00
hear that because I'm like, are you kidding me?
32:03
I wasn't giving shit. Like, I worked my ass off.
32:06
And so I show people when I go speak, I show them a picture of
32:09
me in 7th grade high school. And I'm like, yeah, because in a
32:11
way, selfishly, I'm like, for any of you, that that thing that
32:13
I was giving stuff, look at this and shut your mouth because no,
32:18
I was not given anything. I worked my ass off to become
32:21
who I am. This, this who I am now today,
32:23
the things I've accomplished, the way I look like.
32:26
No, I didn't just I was just born with muscle.
32:29
Like I built this. And so.
32:32
And I'm proud of it. And, you know, and I had people
32:34
diminish it and they tried to take it away from me and tell me
32:37
that like, oh, he just, you know, he was always this guy.
32:40
He was always the superstar athlete.
32:41
No, I wasn't. I wasn't.
32:43
Oh, he was always the guy that all the girls wanted.
32:44
No, I wasn't. Oh, he was always just like
32:47
given everything and he was always successful.
32:48
No, I wasn't. I got all of this because of my
32:52
work ethic. And that's why I still continue
32:54
to achieve because you can't replicate my work ethic.
32:58
But my work ethic came from like me just wanting to feel good
33:03
enough. And so I every day I woke up, I
33:04
was like, I have to do more. I have to do more, I have to do
33:07
more. And every, every time I did
33:09
more, it wasn't enough. I was like, not enough.
33:11
I have to do more. I have to do more.
33:13
So now I'm grateful for it because I'm like, my work ethic
33:15
was built from a place of insufficiency or a place of a
33:20
lack of self love. And so I was like, if it wasn't
33:22
for me feeling that I wasn't good enough, I wouldn't have had
33:26
all of these successes and riches that I have today.
33:29
I want more, of course. But like, you know, but I have a
33:32
lot, you know, I'm very blessed and you know, but that's where
33:36
again, now we all have an ego and you know, I fight on a daily
33:41
basis to keep my ego on track because I'm like, do not let it
33:44
get to your head. So I'm very hyper focused on not
33:47
I, I, I stay humble on for like, and I'm always hyper aware of it
33:51
because I'm like, do not let it get to your head because then
33:54
you're going to end up becoming something you don't want to be
33:57
like, I want to stay humble. I want to be happy and I want to
34:00
feel like I have enough. But when I came off the bachelor
34:03
and everyone was saying I was the worst bachelor ever, I was
34:05
like, great. Now I have to go on a mission to
34:06
prove it to everybody that I actually am worth the shit.
34:08
So now I have to work twice as hard, you know, from any other
34:11
bachelor that's ever existed to prove that I'm actually just
34:14
just as good as these guys. Like I'm not the the shittiest
34:17
bachelor ever to exist, but that's what I'm seeing online.
34:20
And so I was like, right, put your head down, Clayton.
34:22
Go prove it to everybody that you're not, you know, as bad as
34:26
people think you are. And yeah, I got some place where
34:29
I was just like, you can never, you can never appease everybody.
34:31
You never will. And so thankfully now I'm not at
34:33
that place anymore. I'm like, I don't give two shits
34:35
about what you think about me. What's cool at that is like, now
34:39
I'm being authentic. So now I'm doing whatever I want
34:41
to do. You know, it's like some stuff
34:43
people don't like, but I'm like, give a shit.
34:45
You could say that I suck at dancing.
34:47
I don't care. Because guess who's doing the
34:49
things that they actually love to do me?
34:51
Guess who's sitting here and still stuck in the same place
34:53
they've been for the last five years?
34:55
You. Why?
34:56
Because if you don't like the fact that I'm succeeding and
35:00
you're not, because your ego knows deep down that like, you
35:04
don't want to see me exist, because if I exist and I
35:08
continue to climb, it reminds you that you're not.
35:11
And so the reality is though, it's like, it's like, I'm not
35:14
going to stop. So the more that you continue to
35:17
look at me and expect me to fail, you're going to be really
35:20
unsatisfied. You'll be dissatisfied for a
35:22
lifetime because like, you'll watch me fail, you'll never
35:26
watch me become a failure. And I can guarantee that.
35:29
And I and you know, and I, and I've said that before in summer,
35:32
I'd writes, but I'm like, if you're waiting on me to
35:35
basically lose, it's never going to happen.
35:37
Or like I'll lose a game, I'll lose the battle, but I'll never
35:40
lose the war and I'll never give up.
35:43
So like you will forever for a lifetime if you're waiting on
35:47
me. So your happiness can come.
35:49
Like, yes, finally Clayton's backed into a corner and he gave
35:53
up on life. Like you're going to always be
35:55
unhappy because the reality is that your unhappiness is, is
35:58
being triggered because I'm reminding you of what you're not
36:03
doing, which is putting the word.
36:05
So you don't like that. So you want me to not exist for
36:10
some people, like they tell me to kill myself.
36:12
They want me to not exist because I'm reminding them of
36:15
what they're not doing. The reality is it's like they
36:18
don't, they want to say that they're not happy because life's
36:21
not fair and because Clayton's given things.
36:24
And if I was given those things, I like that.
36:26
Like like he was, but I wasn't because he was the lucky one.
36:29
No, it has nothing to do with that.
36:31
The reality is, is you could have achieved a lot of these
36:33
things. You still can if you put the
36:35
work in yourself. There are no handouts.
36:38
So stop looking for a while, right?
36:39
Like you just need to come in terms of the fact that like
36:41
you're in the position your end because of you and you all,
36:43
nobody else. And you'll always be unhappy
36:46
until you finally realize that, like, you actually can control
36:48
your destiny and you can make a change.
36:51
No one's going to come and save you.
36:52
You have to go do it yourself. And those people that you don't
36:55
hate me, they hate me because deep down they know that, like,
37:01
their egos know that like, there is no other option other than
37:03
like you putting the work in yourself.
37:05
And they hate that reminder every day.
37:07
Yeah, and they would be able to trigger.
37:09
It's it, you know, Gavin Wade says that when people get
37:13
triggered, it's just trauma in the nervous system that hasn't
37:16
been healed and it has nothing. And we talked about this when
37:20
when I was like, you're why casted?
37:22
You're like, does it really offend you when people saying
37:25
acquisition to you were given everything or whatever?
37:28
Not going to go into it. But I said, you know, it really
37:31
doesn't. It of course it stings the ego
37:33
for a second, but it really doesn't because I know it's not,
37:36
it's not, it's not because of me.
37:37
It has nothing to do with me. It has to do with that person
37:40
and their insecurities and their trauma.
37:42
And I just think of like, I feel so bad that this person has so
37:45
much trauma and pain inside that they're just suffering.
37:49
And so I come it almost makes me feel empathetic for them and
37:52
just try to put myself and like, I don't know their story, but
37:55
clearly if they're attacking me or anybody else, they're the
37:59
ones suffering inside. And and that's just how any
38:01
trick like for you, like this thing that triggers you, you
38:04
have a pain inside that isn't healed that it's it's causing
38:07
the stint, you know, did this triggering you because you have
38:12
that deep rooted pain of like, I'm not worthy.
38:15
And if someone goes and jabs you with that, then it's re
38:19
triggering that trauma that's inside of you.
38:21
And so we all have that, right? We all have these things.
38:24
And as much work as we do, as we peel back these layers of the
38:29
onion through, you know, therapy and meditation and sometimes
38:34
different medicines or modalities and all of this work,
38:39
we sometimes think, like for me, I have, I have daddy's shoes,
38:45
you know, and I'm like, oh, I'm good.
38:47
I cleared it or good. I've done so much with EMDR and
38:51
energetic clearing and therapy and this and that.
38:53
And then my dad calls and my whole freaking nervous system
38:57
life, the heart pounding, angry kind of stuff.
39:00
Like with one ring of my phone, I'm like, OK, clearly that like
39:05
I still have a deep rooted issue that isn't clear.
39:08
And I still, my nervous system is still in a traumatic state
39:11
from double situation. And so it's just a lot.
39:15
And so many people have so much like so many things trigger
39:20
them, you know, and that's why I practice Transcendental
39:23
Meditation because when you meditate like that, it, it
39:26
clears you. My TM teacher, he calls them
39:28
like the red dots are all these traumas inside of you.
39:31
And when you meditate, those red dots will clear.
39:34
And so for someone who a normal person who was not, you know,
39:39
more enlightened and he doesn't do this kind of work, they may
39:42
get flipped, flipped off and cut off on the freeway and that
39:45
might leave. It's like drawing a line in a
39:48
rock, like it leads a, a, a, you know, scratch in their nervous
39:52
system. That is pretty permanent.
39:55
And then as you start to do the work and you start to meditate
39:57
and you start to learn how to keep your body in a calm state
40:00
of mind or bring it back to a calm state of mind quicker, then
40:02
eventually it goes to drawing a line in sand.
40:05
And then eventually to align in water and eventually to align in
40:09
air. That's cool where you just
40:11
observe these things, but they don't affect you at all.
40:15
I never thought about that way, but yeah, that's actually really
40:17
cool. The thing about the progression
40:18
of how you're able to adequately handle negativity or, or a, you
40:24
know, a response that normally would trigger, it's like, how do
40:28
you progress to do that? And I do think that, yeah, you
40:30
find as you start to do the work, I have done the work, I
40:33
still haven't met much more to do and I will never stop.
40:36
But you know, I've done multiple healing modalities.
40:40
I've done breath work. I journal still every day or
40:43
almost every day. I just finished EMDR, which I
40:47
did proactively, which was incredible.
40:49
I had this massive breakthrough with a, a prior traumatic event
40:55
that I had to go back and rewire.
40:57
And that's what EMDR will do. Like it forces you to go back to
41:00
that experience and then basically relive it and then be
41:05
able to shift your perspective of what you felt in that moment
41:10
versus what you would feel or what you needed in that moment.
41:13
And then how you can basically move on from it.
41:17
But you have to basically you have to rewire that memory.
41:20
And so that's what EMDR is incredible with.
41:21
And so I did proactive therapy recently because I was like, let
41:26
me just try to fix things. Not because I have to now, but I
41:29
want to like, let me get ahead of stuff because it's going to,
41:32
if I don't heal, it's, it's never going to be healed until
41:35
like I, you know, stitch it back up myself, right?
41:39
Like I can't just keep slapping band aids over an open wound.
41:41
Like I, I need to like adequately heal it.
41:44
And so, and so how can I do that?
41:45
Well, there's all these different modalities and that's
41:47
where again, it requires work. It's not easy, it hurts.
41:51
It like stings to open up the wound and try it and you'll
41:55
start messing with it it and but it's essential for, you know, to
41:59
move on. And you know, that's where even
42:03
just my last little rant that I had, like I used to be fearful
42:07
of being more direct and blunt towards people, but like the way
42:11
that I just had that whole just banter, banter right there.
42:13
It's like I am being direct and I'm giving tough, tough love to
42:17
the listener because inevitably there's going to be some Baxter
42:19
person that watches this begrudgingly.
42:21
And, you know, I just had them before they clip up something I
42:24
say and they're like, oh, look at what he's saying about us.
42:27
She thinks we need to grow, but she needs to grow.
42:29
Like he keeps attacking us and it's like, it's just like,
42:32
again, you have an ego that's unchecked.
42:35
And you know what sometimes you have to do fight fire with fire.
42:38
So here I am spit fire out of my mouth now because I'm like, I
42:41
need to get through that dense ego of yours.
42:43
I need to be the trauma for you because there's growth on the
42:46
other side of that. And that's what I really believe
42:48
to be my journey and the reason why I went through what I went
42:51
through. I had to go through it in order
42:53
for me to heal. But it also I'm also a
42:56
individual that's meant to be the trauma for others to allow
42:59
them to heal. You know, those people that
43:01
message me and they're like, you're a piece of shit and
43:03
you're my you know, it's like you don't deserve to ever find
43:05
love. It's like I've asked people,
43:08
hey, can I just ask you like where this like, like what, what
43:10
gave you this thought process or like where it's coming from?
43:13
You know what, what made you feel the need to just send this
43:15
to someone that you don't know? Because the reality is is you
43:17
don't know me. And they'd be like, oh, you
43:19
know, I'm sorry, like if you just reminded me of an
43:22
ex-boyfriend. Bingo.
43:23
There it is. You don't hate me, you hate what
43:25
I remind you of. And that's all the trauma that I
43:28
read, you know, and the negative responses that I received
43:30
online. I was like, none of you know me.
43:33
You think you know me. You watched ATV show that that's
43:36
that you know, is the is ATV show.
43:39
There's real components to it. But if you think you know me
43:42
after watching me on your screen for a total of like an hour of
43:46
TV time, like you got to see an hour of my personality and you
43:50
think that you know who I am. Like if I tell you to go talk to
43:52
someone for an hour, do you think you're going to know their
43:54
entire you know who they are as a person?
43:55
No, so sorry, but you kind of a little stupid when I frame it
44:00
that way, like you're not too bright if you think that you
44:03
know who I am after an hour. Now that means that I don't want
44:05
to call me, but it's stupid. You know, I think it's just the
44:08
unfortunate part is that people watch a show and they think they
44:09
all sudden know. You said you don't know me,
44:11
right? And so now though, I'm like,
44:13
Hey, I'm trying to make this apparent to you because I want
44:17
you to heal. His reality is, is like, you can
44:19
attack me all you want and you can go into all your forums and
44:22
attack me. And you will continue to be
44:24
unhappy because you go to forums where other people will attack
44:27
me because you're doing it so that you can like, because we
44:31
all want to relate. We all want to feel less alone.
44:33
So you're going into these little forums and attacking me,
44:37
but you're not that you're not going to ever feel any better
44:39
because you're going to to fight.
44:41
You're finding other miserable people and you're all being
44:43
miserable together. And guess what?
44:44
Happy people don't do that stuff.
44:46
Like happy people don't go on forums and attack other people.
44:50
How people don't send DMS to people that they don't like what
44:55
they've what they've done. Like how do you people just go
44:57
on with their lives? They might be like, Oh, that was
44:59
kind of done with that person to do that.
45:00
That's then then that thought goes and they move on with their
45:03
life. Like I had not sending negative
45:05
DM to somebody. I don't think I don't even know
45:08
in years, if not long, like ever since I because it's so my thing
45:11
is, I'm like, understand that. Like look back at yourself for
45:15
once, like you don't hate me. You hate what I remind you of
45:19
because there's something internal that you struggle with
45:22
and you always will struggle with.
45:23
And, and after me, there'll be another bachelor that you'll
45:26
hate and then another one and another one and another one.
45:29
And the show does such a great job with giving them continual
45:31
fodder. Here's another bachelor that
45:33
you're gonna, here's another one.
45:34
You're gonna here's another one. You can, here's another person.
45:36
And they find that person. They find their next clay.
45:39
They're two point O. They're claying 3 point O.
45:41
They're clay 4 point O. Every season the show gives them
45:43
somebody to hate and they hate them.
45:45
And the ground is, it's like, you don't know any of these
45:47
people, but the show keeps giving you exactly what you
45:50
think you need or what your ego is needs in order to not
45:54
actually address the reality of it, of the problem, which is
45:57
you. You're the problem.
45:59
Do you regret like are obviously there's a lot of fakes that came
46:03
up in the Bachelor and there was this scandal and I don't know, I
46:06
don't watch. I'm actually probably the only
46:08
girl that has never watched the Bachelor.
46:09
So I didn't even know you were anything when I met you like the
46:12
on the show or whatnot. But like I want to before we
46:16
wrap up here, I want to kind of hear like what was the most
46:19
traumatic event in your life or the darkest period in your life?
46:22
And both the TV show part of that or, or those might be two
46:26
different things, but I want to hear if you're willing to share.
46:29
Yeah, I see. It's something I it ties into
46:32
EMDR. I just had this recent realization it was that
46:35
incredibly powerful. So I'll share my lowest moment
46:40
and how I was able to just basically to tie a silver lining
46:44
on her as of last week, which was really cool.
46:47
So when the show was airing, there were two episodes that so
46:52
you film for two months and then you have a four month delay in
46:54
the final two episodes air live. So four months after I had
46:58
filmed the show, the show's now airing and the day before the
47:01
finale. So there's a two-part finale and
47:04
the finale, the final, like the final episodes where I come out
47:06
with, you know, my ex Susie. And it's like, oh, hey, we're
47:09
together. But the day before that, they
47:12
show like the final. Like what?
47:14
What'll happen on the show leading up to like, this, this,
47:17
this final point? And they had a pale discussion
47:20
of all these previous people from the show basically just
47:23
tearing and like, saying that Clayton's not smart and the way
47:27
he handled this is terrible and blah, blah, blah.
47:29
And so all these people are talking about how poorly of a
47:32
job I've, you know, done as the Bachelor.
47:35
And so I'm watching this live at a safe house with Susie, my ex.
47:39
Like, we're sitting in this mansion watching this live
47:42
episode with the rest of America.
47:44
So I'm also will have my phone with me.
47:46
And I'm getting, you know, tweeted that and DM D and
47:50
everyone's talking about how stupid I am on TV, live
47:53
television. They're telling me how dumb I am
47:55
in my DM's. They're on Reddit telling me how
47:57
stupid I am. They're on Twitter telling me
47:59
how stupid I am. So I'm getting all this hitting
48:01
me at once, thousands of messages.
48:03
I get up from the couch. I'm like, I can't, I can't
48:05
handle this anymore. I walk over to this the the back
48:09
door of the house and I'm staring out the window and I
48:11
stare out that window for 30 minutes and I'm just sitting
48:15
there thinking, why me? How much easier would it be if I
48:18
just wasn't here and didn't exist?
48:20
Like why? Like I, I one more thing that I
48:22
failed at, you know, I got the opportunity of a lifetime and I
48:24
swatched her. I just ruined it, you know, like
48:26
that just goes to show I'll never go.
48:28
I'll never be good enough. Everything that then I touched
48:30
turns to shit. So, you know, I'm, I'm thinking
48:32
like it's be easier if I just gave up on and get into threw it
48:35
all the way. And that was the lowest point.
48:37
And so, you know, that's actually then end up becoming
48:40
the thing that I brought up in my EMDR sessions.
48:43
And I went to my therapist and I said, she's like, well, what do
48:45
you want to like, what's the something that you know that
48:47
that is play being you right now?
48:49
And it's traumatic. And I brought up this, that that
48:51
moment. I said, all right, we're going
48:52
to dive into it. And the first three sessions we
48:55
were making a little bit of headway, but then I started
48:57
thinking like, I really wanted to like go get go back to the
48:59
root. Like I wonder there's something
49:01
from my very beginning of my life that I'm trying to heal and
49:03
uncover. So like, I don't know why I
49:05
mentioned this story, like it's not that important.
49:08
So I was like, I want to switch this, but she's like, let's go
49:10
deeper, let's go deeper. And I'm like, OK, fine.
49:12
And I was like, I feel like I should have like brought up a
49:14
better memory because there's nothing here.
49:15
Like I've moved on from it. But then on the 7th session of
49:19
EMDR, she's like, all right, we're going to go back to that
49:23
moment. So put yourself back in that
49:24
position. You're, you're at the house,
49:26
you're staring out the window and what's going on in your
49:29
head? And I'm like, all right, here we
49:30
go again. And so I'm like sitting there
49:32
thinking and I'm like, I was staring out the window.
49:35
I have these feelings of not being good enough.
49:38
I'm having suicidal ideation. And then all of a sudden my
49:42
brain switches to my family walking in the front door of
49:46
that house. And I turn around in this image
49:49
and I look at them and they just softly smile at me and open
49:52
their arms. And I run over to them and I
49:55
embrace them. And I just start bawling my eyes
49:57
out. And in that moment in the NDR
50:00
session, I start crying. I mean, just like waterworks,
50:03
I'm just, I just can't control it.
50:05
And I felt so safe at my head in that moment because I was like,
50:09
but I also was crying because I'm like, wow, like this, my
50:12
family walking through the doors, what I needed in that
50:15
moment, I just needed my foundation, my rock, my, my
50:18
loved ones to be there for me when I was at the at my lowest
50:21
point. And they weren't.
50:22
And that's why I have such a scar, you know, that's
50:25
associated with that moment. But what scarred me even worse,
50:28
and then why I was crying was because I realized that in the
50:31
last two years of my life, I started to separate myself from
50:34
my family because they, you know, didn't understand
50:38
Hollywood and mindfulness. And like they, you know, I
50:41
thought that they were so close minded.
50:42
And I started saying like, my family doesn't get it.
50:44
I have to distance myself from that.
50:46
And that was wrong. And I realized that I was like
50:48
all the while that I distance myself, my family never cut ties
50:52
with me. They always were there to be
50:54
there for me when I needed that, when I needed something to press
50:56
shoulder, to cry on, my need to, someone to vent to, they were
50:58
always there. I realized I was like, Oh my
51:00
gosh. Like I realized that my family
51:02
loves me unconditionally and I almost cut them out.
51:06
I tried to cut them out like I was slowly doing it, but they
51:09
were always there for me. And they told me that I, Clay,
51:11
we will always love you and we will never cut you out.
51:13
Like no matter who you become, we will always love you.
51:16
In that moment, I, I, I put the piece together.
51:18
I was like, I have been miserable the last two years of
51:19
my life because I've gotten away from what really matters in my
51:23
life versus my family. Like I need to stop going to
51:26
clubs and taking women home and spending 3K for a table to, to
51:31
feel important and to make more money so I can go on more dates
51:35
and then tell women how much money I make.
51:37
And, you know, and then start buying houses and then posting
51:40
on social media about, oh, look at me like I have an Airbnb,
51:43
which means I must be rich. And like, I was like, I and then
51:46
hanging out with people that I thought could advance my career,
51:48
not people I like, just people that I thought could like make
51:50
me more money. And I was, you know, spending
51:52
time with those people, not people that I cared about.
51:54
And So what happened was, is like, I felt empty because I was
51:58
pushing away love. And that's what I realized is I
52:01
was, I was like, Clayton, none of this shit matters.
52:02
It doesn't matter. All that matters is the love
52:04
that you have in your life. I don't mean what?
52:06
Damn, how much money I make. I don't care.
52:07
What if you think that I don't make enough money?
52:09
Not fine. Piss off that's I don't want to
52:11
date you then, Mike, because I don't want like I want someone
52:13
that loves me for me and all I want is love and all this other
52:15
shitless smoke screen and mirrors.
52:17
There's so many 30,009 millionaires anyways in
52:18
Scottsdale and there are some people that are rich and great,
52:21
good for them. But like it's not for me.
52:23
Like I'll make my own money when I make my money when I'm
52:25
supposed to. But like I need, I realized I
52:27
was like, I need to spend time with my loved ones.
52:30
And so ever since I had that realization, I have spent every
52:32
weekend with my brothers. At some point, I call my family
52:35
more and I talk with them and I'm happier because I realized
52:39
that I was chasing after the wrong things.
52:41
And just once again, external validation, which is why I've
52:43
always chased after and I lost myself again doing it.
52:46
And so now I've, you know, I'm like, OK, Clayton, never do it
52:48
again. Don't have her chase like
52:50
sternal validation. You have all the validation
52:51
right here with the drug reach. Yeah, thank you for sharing
52:54
that. Then I can imagine how lowly
52:57
that feels. And there's a a guy named Mike
53:00
Ferry, Tom Ferry's son, Eggleby. Then he does muscle testing and
53:04
stuff to figure out you're, I don't know, like for me, alone
53:08
is my word. Like that's what I've always
53:10
felt above all else is alone. Some people it's nothing, Some
53:13
people it's not worthy. Some people it's through all
53:16
these different things. But feeling of I feel like so
53:18
many people are so lonely and there's a statistic that shows
53:21
like the, I forget what the statistic is, but so many people
53:25
feel so alone despite the connection of social media and
53:28
these things. It's actually 'cause people to
53:31
feel even more alone and it's it's just a a hopeless place to
53:35
be. And I think the purpose of
53:37
everything is love. And when because I too same same
53:41
thing, always want try to be perfect.
53:43
I was trying to look the curious, always trying to make
53:45
the most money. I was trying to be the the cool
53:47
girlfriend that lets my boyfriend do whatever the fuck
53:49
they want to do and having no respect for myself and always
53:52
trying to be a good friend and always being on.
53:54
It's not like everything, right? And in the pursuit of acceptance
53:59
and in the pursuit of love, we lose our authentic self and we
54:04
become this thing that we've created because of the
54:07
validation that we've bought. When we try these other
54:10
modalities. If you think that the validation
54:12
and when the intention is to try to love yourself or try to get
54:16
love from others, then we will always be left empty inside.
54:21
We'll always have that those hole like will we Swiss cheese
54:24
inside? Will we try to fill these
54:26
internal holes with this external things and this
54:29
external validation? And we'll never be whole and
54:32
we'll never be happy. It will never be satisfied no
54:35
matter what we get, because there always be something
54:37
prettier, handsomer, richer, better, kinder, smarter, all the
54:42
things. There's always going to be
54:43
somewhat better if you're seeing it that way, right?
54:45
And so when when we shift to coming from a place from love,
54:50
you know, I'm doing these things because I love myself.
54:54
I'm working out because I love my body, not to try to love my
54:58
body. Or, you know, I'm hanging out
55:00
with these people because I love myself and because I love them
55:04
and they make me feel expansive and make me feel whole.
55:07
And that's the shift that I think so many people are
55:11
missing. And all the answers are inside
55:13
of us, and they're not outside. And it's all a choice at the end
55:15
of the day. You choose when to finally take
55:18
those actions to better your life.
55:20
And then you also get to the place where you're following
55:22
shoes to see things differently. You have the choice to change
55:26
your perspective, but you have to take the action.
55:28
And that's a choice on itself. So I think, you know, you said
55:31
it really great how you wrapped it all up right there.
55:33
I just wanted people to see it. And I think that's why I'm, you
55:36
know, getting a little bit more tough bloody with the way that I
55:39
present my journey and my advice or my experience.
55:44
Like I'm kind of being a little like, you know what now so many
55:46
people need a little bit more of like a, you know, a tough love
55:49
approach. Like I can get through to you.
55:51
I just have to do it a little bit.
55:54
Yeah, rougher. But you'll you'll see why I'm
55:56
doing it later. Everybody seems to want looks
55:59
and fame and wealth and all these things, but someone like
56:02
yourself who has pretty much much everything from the outside
56:06
outsiders perspective of you. And obviously it's so different
56:09
when you go on the inside. But like, are you glad that you
56:12
have the fame and those things? Like are you glad you went on
56:15
the Bachelor and you're you're very grateful for those things?
56:18
Or are you like this is just a big nightmare of that.
56:20
No, I'm I, I believe that I am exactly who I'm supposed to be
56:25
in this moment. I believe in God, and I believe
56:27
that God has a path laid out for me.
56:29
And I believe that God also knows that I can handle what
56:31
most people can't. And that's my blessing.
56:34
And so I think that every one of us has a purpose in life.
56:37
And some people are meant to impact 5 people, some people,
56:40
one, some people a million, some people a billion, you know, and,
56:43
and I, and I believe that I'm one of those individuals that's
56:46
meant to impact many. It just, it just feels like my
56:49
calling. And so I think in order to
56:51
impact many, you have to be seen by many.
56:53
And so I was seen through reality television and whatever
56:57
else comes, you know, there's more now, there's more coming
56:59
down the pipeline. And like, you know, I can't say
57:00
too much, but this isn't the last people have seen to me.
57:03
So it is what it is. I never thought that I was going
57:05
to have this experience, but I, I, I have, I didn't go looking
57:09
for it. It found me.
57:10
And then I think I was destined to the colonist person.
57:13
So I choose to believe that though somebody could say that
57:15
everything I just said was crazy and not true, but the reality is
57:18
it is true to me. Therefore it's true.
57:21
Like that's my truth because I choose to believe it.
57:23
So I don't want to live the I mean, I have two choices.
57:26
Either choose to believe that my life is a blessing or choose to
57:28
believe that it's the worst thing that ever happened.
57:31
And if I have those two options, it's pretty obvious why I would
57:35
choose one or the other. So that's the way I choose to
57:36
live my life. Vowels, my life is a blessing
57:39
and I am meant to be great. And I meant, but you know, those
57:42
that are meant to pack many have to be subtracted to criticism my
57:45
money. You can, it just it just comes
57:47
with the territory. Well, thank you so much.
57:49
We open all the vulnerable and raw and sharing all that.
57:52
And I guess to to wrap up here, what's one piece of advice that
57:55
you would give to people, but particularly men who, you know,
57:59
maybe struggle with feeling alone or feeling boldable or
58:03
connecting to their feelings or, or, you know, finding their
58:05
authentic selves and getting out of that?
58:07
Find your tribe. There are men all throughout the
58:10
world, probably in your town, unless you live in a town of
58:13
like 20 people, but there are still tribes of men that are
58:17
healing together somewhere. They're not going to maybe find
58:21
you. You know, you're going to have
58:22
to be put the work in and go search for them, but they exist.
58:25
I'm in a men's group here in Scottsdale, if anyone's
58:27
listening to this. And you're in Scottsdale and
58:31
you're a man and you, I wish you could talk to other men about,
58:35
you know, mental health and your struggles you face because you
58:38
would feel better if you knew that there are other men out
58:40
there that are facing these problems.
58:42
We have a men's group that I'm a part of.
58:43
It's called middle finger Mantras.
58:45
I love him. I, I found this Group A couple
58:47
months ago and there's, it's a group of gosh, I think it's 80
58:51
to 100 men and we meet weekly and, you know, maybe only 1/4 of
58:54
a group shows up. So I guess everyone's busy, but
58:57
it's always there and you're not show up every week.
58:59
You know, you can show up whenever you want, whenever you
59:01
need to. But 20 men showing up once a
59:03
week, talking for two hours about mental health, it's there
59:06
and you can show up and not have a single thing to say.
59:09
We don't expect you to say anything.
59:11
Maybe you're just meant to listen until you finally learn
59:13
the words to be able to start becoming the speaker.
59:16
But the beautiful thing about is it's just a group of men that
59:19
there's no judgement. We just say come as you are and
59:22
just exist. And then when you feel inclined
59:23
to share, share and guess what? You'll share and there will be
59:27
at least one guy there that would be like pull you aside
59:29
afterwards. Like dude, I know exactly how
59:31
you feel because that's what they did to me whenever I showed
59:33
up. So that's my advice.
59:34
Go find your tribe and they exist.
59:36
And if you don't live in Scottsdale, like there, trust
59:39
me, there's more out there. Like you just have to do some
59:41
data. Start talking to people like,
59:43
hey, and I'd love to join a men's group.
59:45
Like you already heard anything like that.
59:46
I just start saying that before you know it, you'll be like, Oh
59:48
my gosh, yeah, I know. I did that for dance.
59:50
I asked somebody to look for a dance studio.
59:52
And I thought, that's the dance studio.
59:54
I've been, I've been at for a year and a half.
59:55
It was I asked somebody at at my brokerage, you know, I was a
59:58
real estate person. Like, oh, you want to dance?
1:00:00
Yeah, I used to dance to this place.
1:00:01
Go to go there. Boom.
1:00:02
I didn't know that place existed because I was looking in
1:00:04
Scottsdale and they were in Mesa.
1:00:05
So just start talking about it and find it.
1:00:07
And once you find it like, you'll find your people and
1:00:09
you'll find your, you'll find your foundation and you'll find,
1:00:12
you know, love, which is what it is.
1:00:14
That that men's group is just a bunch of men that just love
1:00:16
others for existing. So go look forwards there.
1:00:19
Thanks, Hayden here. Thank you so much, Adam.