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Reinventing yourself after life falls apart · Cultural Wars | America Out Loud News

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We are faith and fury.
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Love and fire.
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This is the human equation where every voice
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counts and every truth cuts deep.
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With your host, Joseph Pancaro.
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Good evening, everybody, and welcome to the human
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equation.
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I'm your host, Joseph Pangaro.
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So there's a lot of topical things that
0:29
we're gonna try and get to.
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You know, these this time we have together
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goes by so quickly.
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It's uh it's really amazing.
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I say to myself, okay, I I have
0:39
an hour with all these wonderful people who
0:41
are looking for entertainment and want to have
0:43
a good time or think about something, and
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oh well, I'm never gonna fit this stuff
0:47
in, and next thing you know, the hour
0:49
goes by, and uh there's still a lot
0:51
of stuff I didn't get to.
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So I apologize in advance today.
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The last couple of episodes, I think you've
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noticed, I've had like this crazy cough out
1:00
of nowhere, and I try and uh suppress
1:02
it as best I can.
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But here at the uh at the Jersey
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Shore, we are inundated with the uh with
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the pollen coming out of the trees here
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in the month of May.
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It's just absolutely outrageous.
1:14
You wash your car off, you wake up
1:16
the next day, and it's caked in this
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yellow pollen.
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Now I'm sure you have the same thing
1:21
where you are, but it's uh it's something
1:23
that I spend a lot of time outdoors
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gardening and whatnot, and boy, I just get
1:27
loaded down with this stuff.
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It's pretty funny.
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I don't know how about you, but um
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see there it goes again.
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I know that there's a lot of pollen
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in the air when my it's it's gonna
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sound funny, but when my lips tingle, right?
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I guess that's the reaction that my body
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has.
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I get I don't know if it's allergic
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or whatever, but I know there's a lot
1:48
of pollen out on a sunny day and
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the wind is blowing, and all of a
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sudden my lips start tingling, and it's all
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because of uh there's so much pollen coming
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down and interacting with me.
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So I apologize in advance if I have
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to cough.
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I will do my best to uh be
2:03
professional and and cover it up so you
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don't hear it.
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Alright, so that like I said, there's a
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lot of topical things that I want to
2:11
get to.
2:12
You know, uh we'll talk about Trump's China
2:14
visit, I think a little bit.
2:16
I think that's interesting.
2:17
We have to cover more on the UFOs
2:20
because there's more common, and it's it how
2:22
it interacts with the human equation is is
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who we are as as peach as creatures,
2:27
human beings, you know, or if we're not
2:29
alone, that's different.
2:32
Uh we'll talk about the war powers act
2:34
because that's still going on in the background.
2:37
And we'll cover some of Trump's wins, things
2:39
that, you know, because everyone's totally oh, his
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polls are so far down, everyone's ready to
2:43
abandon him, and that's that's really just uh
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a lot of nonsense.
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Uh his polls are down, I'll give you
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that.
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Um the American people are very fickle, they
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have no patience, uh, and sometimes they're stupid.
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No offense, but uh that's really what the
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truth is.
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So I want to cover some of those
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things, I think, in a in a minute.
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So here we go.
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First cough.
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Okay.
3:07
What I want to talk about now is
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two interesting topics.
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Well, they're interesting to me, I hope they're
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interesting to you.
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You know, I have uh I have children,
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grown children, and they're all absolutely amazing and
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wonderful people.
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Now I say that not because I'm their
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father, but because they actually are amazing and
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wonderful people.
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It's I guess it's a reflection on me
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on my wife that that we raised, you
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know, good kids, that we tried to set
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examples, but the reality is for all of
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our children, they are gonna be who they
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are.
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Um, you know, we can do the best
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to give them an example, we can teach
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lessons, we can try and offer values and
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understand, you know, give them a solid uh
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foundation on which to live.
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But the reality is your kids are gonna
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be who they are.
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They're gonna be their own person when the
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time comes.
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So when we look at these things, we
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have to.
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Sorry again, see, I gotta, and now all
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of a sudden I've been fine all morning
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with my coffee, and then my afternoon was
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fine, and then my dinner, and now here
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I am with you, and I got these
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coughs.
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So, raising adult children, what does that mean?
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Well, for years I've heard from friends and
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and other people how their adult children, you
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know, move away, break out and go on
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their own, and ended up having to move
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back home again.
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And the the controversies that can cause for
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a family, for a couple, for the children,
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you know, the the relationship with the parents.
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Well, I've never had to experience that.
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Um I gotta say, all my kids, they
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did their things, they went to school, they
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got their careers going, they moved out, and
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they didn't come home.
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You know, we had them well, they come
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home for the holidays, which is really nice.
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But they all moved in, got apartments, did
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whatever, got married, now uh they got houses.
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Except for one, and it's it's it's not
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her fault, my daughter, who's a really brilliant
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young woman.
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She really is, and she's got the kindest
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heart.
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She is so nice to everyone, uh to
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a fault, to a point that you know,
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I see I see some of the things
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that she does being a decent and good
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person can get her in a lot of
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trouble because she she extends herself to people
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that you can't trust.
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Uh, you know, she sees the world a
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little differently.
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Uh, she's a little more progressive, let's say,
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than uh me and my my boys.
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Uh so she's she's very trusting, and she
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doesn't see danger sometimes where danger is.
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But she had a a relationship, and we
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talked about relationships a while ago.
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And she had a relationship, a a long-term
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relationship, I guess, you know, a couple of
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years with a young man that we all
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thought was like a really good guy.
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We thought he was.
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We were like, wow, he she found a
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good guy out there in the world.
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And it turns out there were things going
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on behind the scenes that were that were
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not so great, and it led to them
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breaking up.
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Which is sad because like I said, you
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know, we we all kind of like this
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guy, and we thought he was gonna fit
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into our family.
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We thought eventually they would be getting married.
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There was talk of that, you know, somewhere
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down the road.
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Their lives were meshing really nicely.
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Uh, and then there was there was a
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lot of uh life interruptions, let's say.
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Now, anybody who's been listening for a while
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knows that, you know, last summer, out of
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the blue, I lost my wife Kathleen, and
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my kids lost their mother to uh horrible
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cancer that just jumped up on her and
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took her in five weeks.
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Uh totally unexpecting for her for all of
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Totally unexpecting for her for all of us.
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us, and that was the first major major
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And that was the first major major issue
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issue that we all had to deal with,
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that we all had to deal with this
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this unexpected grief and problem.
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unexpected grief and problem.
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And you would think that at times like
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And you would think that at times like
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that, people would come together in relationships.
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that, people would come together in relationships.
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I know my sons and their wives, they
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I know my sons and their wives, they
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all got closer because of it.
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all got closer because of it.
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Unfortunately, in my
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Unfortunately, my daughter and her uh her boyfriend,
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um, he he he was he hung in
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with us throughout the entire thing, but we
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didn't know in the background, I guess he
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had just had enough of difficulty.
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And what he revealed of his personality, what
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he revealed, was that he's not very good
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at crisis, and he didn't handle crisis very
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well.
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You know, me and my family, we we
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pride ourselves on the fact that we think,
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we work through things, we deal with things
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head on, we face things, we face problems
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straight up, no matter how hard they are,
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we we deal with them and we deal
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with them as a group.
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Well, this this didn't work.
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Um this young man just was not good
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at this crisis, and unfortunately, he did some
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things that were less than nice, let's put
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it that way, led to the breakup.
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And it's been very difficult.
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Um, so at some point, my daughter says,
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Hey, I'm gonna come home.
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Is that okay?
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I said, Of course, this is your home,
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all of you.
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I don't care well, you bring all the
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grandchildren, bring everybody, I don't care.
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So she came here and she basically recovered
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here.
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It was, you know, emotional the emotional pain
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of a breakup is um it's very powerful.
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Now, this poor girl had to deal with
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the loss of her mother and the loss
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of this relationship that she thought was going
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to be a forever thing.
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And I'm loath to talk about it.
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Um, but I think it's important to understand
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in the human equation what's the what am
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I seeing and what lessons am I dealing
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with on my end as the father of
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this young lady going through these terrible things?
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I can't save her from any of this
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pain.
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You know, I can be here at comfort,
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I can be a teammate, I can be
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uh confidant, I can be an advice giver,
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uh, and I can also provide a safe
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space, as they say today.
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You know, this home is a safe space
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for our family, always has been, it always
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will be.
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But she came here for the last couple
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of months so that she could regain her
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balance, so to speak.
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She has a brand new uh career position,
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something she's wanted for a very long time,
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a lot of responsibility, uh, in a place
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that she really wants to be, and she
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is thriving.
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So being home, re-centering, I guess that's the
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point.
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She recentered by coming here to deal with
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the emotional pain of the breakup, the emotional
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pain of losing her mother, and she re-centered
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herself, and she is now heading back out.
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We got her a uh an apartment in
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a really nice neighborhood where she wants to
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be.
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And this weekend, we're moving her in.
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Me and her brothers uh are moving her
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into her new apartment, and I think emotionally
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she has healed from the breakup, you know.
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We sit and talk a lot.
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That's one of the interesting things about being
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an adult with an adult child is that
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when you have a good relationship, and my
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daughter and I have always been very, very
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close.
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Her whole life, we've been, you know, pals
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and buddies and father and daughter, and you
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know, all that kind of stuff.
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So while she's been here, her and I
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have had great opportunity to talk through a
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lot of the emotional things that go with
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a breakup and that also go with losing
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someone that's very important in your life.
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You know, my wife, her mother, and then
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this boyfriend that she really thought she was
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going to be with.
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Well, we we worked our way through a
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lot of a lot of tough conversations.
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Um, a lot of um sitting around after
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dinner watching TV and talking out the emotions,
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which again, that is the way me and
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my family have always handled it.
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We face things head up.
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Uh, you know, okay, what is it, you
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know, you're miserable, you're upset, you're depressed, okay.
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What is causing those feelings?
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What do you think uh is causing those
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feelings?
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And then you deal with them straight on.
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And sometimes that's the hardest thing to do,
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right?
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To deal with your feelings straight on, no
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matter what they are.
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Uh you know, in this era of political
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destruction of families, we see how many families
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have been separated because of political opinion, like
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it's never been before.
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You know, it used to be okay, you
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think differently than people in your family know.
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Now people don't talk to each other.
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They cut each other off.
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And I saw a poll the other day,
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which was very interesting.
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60, I think 60% of people who consider
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themselves liberal, liberal, progressive, socialist kind of people,
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60% of them said they would cut off
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family members because of a difference in political
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opinion.
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And 35% of conservative people said they would
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do that.
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So that's that's a big difference in how
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you see things psychologically in your head, right?
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Liberals have a tendency to, you know, the
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the loving people, the tolerant people, the caring
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people, they have a tendency to cut people
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off if they don't agree with them lockstep.
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And don't we see that in the bigger
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picture of how people are interacting with the
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world today?
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Don't we see these people that, you know,
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oh, they're so loving, they're so tolerant, but
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then next thing you know, they're out burning
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uh the cities down to the ground because
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you don't agree with them, they don't like
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something.
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So I find it interesting microcosm of that
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that poll telling us about the liberal mindset
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and the conservative mindset.
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But to get back to uh to my
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daughter and I, it's it's been really good
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for both of us because I think we
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have had a lot of healing.
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Uh and me personally, you know, I'm on
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this journey of change, uh, something I never
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ever expected to happen in my life.
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You know, you know, I think I've explained
13:40
this once before, but I'll recap it again
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because it's interesting.
13:44
My wife and I, a year ago, one
13:46
year ago, we were sitting in our yard,
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we have a uh uh a cabana out
13:51
there, and we sit there with our morning
13:53
coffee and our evening cocktails, and we talk
13:55
through our day.
13:57
What are we doing?
13:58
What's our plans?
13:59
What's the business doing?
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What are the kids doing?
14:00
What are the kids doing?
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And we were preparing for my youngest son's
14:01
And we were preparing for my youngest son's
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wedding a year ago, and there was no
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wedding a year ago.
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problem.
14:06
And there was no problem.
14:07
Kathy was healthy as could be, you know,
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Kathy was healthy as could be, you know,
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and she was fine.
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and she was fine, and we were sitting
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And we were sitting out there talking about,
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out there talking about you know what we're
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you know, what we're going to do and
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gonna do and what our plans are.
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what our plans are.
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And one of the things we realized was
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And one of the things we realized was
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that at our age, you know, she had
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that at our age, you know, she had
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just turned 60.
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just turned 60.
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I was 62, and we realized that if
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I was 62.
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And we realized if we break life down,
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we break life down, the average lifespan for
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the average lifespan for a male or female
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a male or female.
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in America is about 80 years, right?
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Some say 75, 76.
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Let's say 80, 80 years.
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And if you break that down into sections,
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you basically get four quarters of life, like
14:40
in a football game.
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You get four quarters of life, each one
14:45
comprising 20 years.
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Now, if you think about that, and you
14:51
break life down, you look at it, your
14:53
first 20 years of life, you go from
14:55
being an infant baby to reaching maturity at
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18 or 19.
15:00
You know, you're going through all the things
15:02
of childhood and you get to be 20
15:04
years old.
15:06
Well, at 20 years old, the world starts
15:07
to change, right?
15:09
You graduate college in your 20s, a lot
15:11
of people meet their mate in their 20s,
15:13
they have children in their 20s, their career
15:16
begins in their 20s, and then you nurture
15:18
those things for the next 20 years until
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you get to the second quarter, where you
15:23
finish the second quarter, which is at 40
15:25
years old.
15:28
And then you got the third quarter from
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40 to 60.
15:32
This is where you've established yourself.
15:34
Uh your kids are moving on, you're trying
15:36
to figure out what you're going to do
15:37
for the rest of your lives, and maybe
15:39
you're going to move, you're going to downsize,
15:41
all of these kind of things.
15:43
You start thinking about retirement in that third
15:45
quarter, and then you have the fourth quarter
15:48
from 60 to 80.
15:51
And maybe when you're younger in the first
15:54
couple of quarters, you don't really think about
15:56
that fourth quarter.
15:59
It's not something that comes up in your
16:00
mind.
16:01
You it's it's just it's so far away.
16:04
You know, when you're 20 years old thinking
16:06
about being 60, that's a world away.
16:09
But then next thing you know, you life
16:10
has a way of, you know, what do
16:12
they tell you when you're young?
16:14
Hey, listen, uh, days drag, but years fly
16:16
by.
16:18
And this is really true.
16:19
Uh, you know, you you start to see
16:20
it as you start to go, hey, what
16:22
happened?
16:23
What happened where did my 20s go as
16:25
you hit your 30s?
16:27
Right?
16:28
Well, what happened to my 20s?
16:29
But hey, you know, you're still vital in
16:31
your 30s, and you know, you you've reached
16:33
you've reached probably some kind of success in
16:35
your life, whatever, whatever you consider that to
16:36
be.
16:38
Maybe you now have your relationships, maybe now
16:41
you're raising your kids, whatever.
16:44
And then you move on, and then you
16:45
hit 40.
16:47
Now that third quarter is very interesting.
16:51
This is where uh people rise or fall.
16:54
You know, you either you either did you
16:56
did well in your first two quarters, you
16:58
didn't get yourself locked up, you didn't have
17:00
children out of wedlock, that you, you know,
17:02
you don't have divorces, you don't have all
17:04
kinds of problems, and I'm not disparaging anybody
17:06
who's gotten divorced.
17:08
I'm don't don't take it that way.
17:10
I'm simply saying you know that that complicates
17:11
your life, right?
17:13
Uh divorce complicates your life.
17:15
You didn't have anything, anything never.
17:17
You didn't get locked up, you didn't get
17:19
involved in crime or drugs, you're not a
17:20
drug addict or an alcoholic.
17:22
You made it to your 40s.
17:24
And that third quarter is really a time
17:26
that you can really develop who you are,
17:28
right?
17:30
And okay, uh, I was a kid, and
17:31
then I was figuring out what I'm gonna
17:32
do.
17:34
Now I'm here doing it.
17:36
Uh and it's really it's a prime time
17:38
of life, your 40s, especially now.
17:41
You know, uh in your 40s, you're you're
17:43
making some money, your career is set, you're
17:45
uh you got goals ahead, you know, you're
17:47
doing whatever, you're raising your kids, it's all
17:49
good.
17:53
So you in that you start to maybe
17:55
consider the fourth quarter, but it's still pretty
17:57
far away from 40 to 60, another 20
18:00
years, 20 Christmases, 20 summers, right?
18:02
20 winters, all that.
18:04
But maybe you start to consider it.
18:06
Maybe now, if you've been lucky enough to
18:08
have a career that provided you with a
18:10
lot of resources or or more than average
18:13
resources, you start to think about uh oh,
18:15
am I did I save enough for college
18:17
to send my my kids to college?
18:20
Um did I do I have enough for
18:21
that?
18:22
How am I gonna handle that?
18:23
Because that starts to come up, you know,
18:25
in your late 30s, your early 40s, sometimes
18:28
early 50s, when you're sending kids to college.
18:31
Do you have the resources for that?
18:33
Do you have you start to look at,
18:35
okay, um, once I get through these 20
18:37
years, then then I'm gonna get into my
18:39
fourth quarter.
18:41
Am I gonna retire?
18:42
Do I am I gonna have enough funds
18:44
to live?
18:46
Um, and in the meantime, all of that's
18:48
going on, you know, sometimes there's health issues
18:50
that jump up and get people in their
18:51
40s, you know.
18:53
You what do they say?
18:54
The check engine light starts coming on.
18:58
And you but you you work your way
19:00
through that, but then you get to the
19:02
fourth quarter, and there's a moment that I
19:04
I never anticipated.
19:07
I I just never did because I was
19:09
I followed that pattern in my 20s.
19:11
I wasn't thinking about retiring.
19:13
That seemed so far away.
19:15
You know, I was 23 when I went
19:17
on the police department, and you have to
19:19
go 25 years for uh to you know
19:21
to retire to get your pension.
19:25
And I remember looking at that going, 25
19:26
years.
19:28
You know how far away that is.
19:30
Well, it's amazing how fast life goes, because
19:33
I went through my career uh more than
19:37
25 years, and I've been out now 13
19:40
years, like a half of another career.
19:43
So time really does pass by, you know,
19:46
days do drag, but years scream by.
19:50
And as I hit the fourth quarter, you
19:53
know, we started to realize um we didn't
19:55
we didn't have a lot saved for college.
19:57
We had to pay for college as we
19:59
went.
20:00
We took college loans, we uh used some
20:02
home equity, I worked extra jobs and details,
20:04
and you know, all the stuff I've told
20:06
you about, but we got three quarters of
20:09
the way through there.
20:11
I'm paying off one more college.
20:13
I'm still paying it off.
20:14
Um it's a pretty big uh pretty big
20:16
amount, but hey, you know, I'm paying it
20:17
off.
20:19
I'm still functioning and able to pay.
20:22
But we got to the we got to
20:25
our fourth quarter, Kathy and I, and we
20:27
were sitting there at the pavilion having our
20:30
evening cocktail, and I said, you know, it
20:33
it's crazy, we've reached the fourth quarter, and
20:35
you start to understand at that time that
20:38
you have a lot more road behind you
20:40
than you have in front of you.
20:43
See, in your 20s, you got that whole
20:45
road in front of you, don't you?
20:47
Your whole life is out in front of
20:48
you.
20:48
When you get to 60, and you know
20:51
that the average uh lifespan is 80 if
20:54
you're very lucky, you got 20 years left.
20:57
Now, instead of you know, 75 Christmases in
21:00
Christmas is in front of you.
21:00
front of you, you got maybe 20 if
21:01
You got maybe 20 if you're lucky, maybe
21:03
you're lucky, maybe 20 summers, maybe 20 other
21:04
20 summers, maybe 20 other birthday events, and
21:06
birthday events, and then it's over.
21:06
then it's over.
21:09
You know, the the game is over.
21:09
You know, the the game is over.
21:10
You've run out the game, you've run out
21:10
You've run out the game, you've run out
21:12
the clock, so to speak.
21:12
the clock, so to speak.
21:14
So that fourth quarter was something that you
21:14
So that fourth quarter was something that you
21:16
know, Kathy and I were talking about as
21:16
know, Kathy and I were talking about as
21:18
we sat there in that pavilion.
21:19
we sat there in that pavilion, and in
21:21
And in all honesty, we really believed that
21:21
all honesty, we really believed that I would
21:23
I would be the one who would go
21:24
be the one who would go first.
21:24
first.
21:26
We we kind of had that plan because
21:26
We we kind of had that plan because.
21:29
you know, Kathy's family's very healthy, and they
21:31
live a long time.
21:34
My family, not so much.
21:37
Now, I'm the oldest uh of the men
21:39
in my family for the last two generations.
21:42
So that uh in and of itself gave
21:45
us pause to say, okay, the reality here,
21:47
again, facing the reality, is that I'm probably
21:49
gonna go.
21:51
I'm probably gonna go, and I'm gonna leave
21:53
her behind.
21:54
So we went way out of our way
21:56
to make sure that she was provided for,
21:59
that Kathy was provided for, so that she
22:01
had you know financial resources, the house is
22:03
almost completely paid off.
22:06
Uh, there's enough resources then to pay off
22:08
all the college, everything that's owed, and then
22:11
she can she can live out her life
22:14
um in in relative comfort.
22:16
She won't have to worry about financial things,
22:18
right?
22:19
Um that's how we set it all up.
22:21
And just one year ago, we were sitting
22:24
in that chair talking about gee, we're in
22:26
the fourth quarter, and we talked honestly about
22:29
going forward.
22:32
And I said, Listen, I just want you
22:34
to know, I want to be crystal clear
22:36
with you that if I go tomorrow, if
22:38
I if I just wake up tomorrow and
22:40
I'm I'm dead tomorrow morning.
22:42
And people say all the time, Holy, how
22:43
can you wake up?
22:45
It's a it's a it's a it's a
22:46
it's a phrase, right?
22:47
You wake up dead, your life is over.
22:49
I said, if I go tomorrow morning, I
22:51
want you to know that I've had a
22:53
great life.
22:55
I've enjoyed every moment of our family of
22:57
our of our relationship together.
23:00
Everything is and Kathy said, me too.
23:02
This is this has been a wonderful life,
23:04
right?
23:05
And that was our feeling that we we
23:08
had accomplished a lot together.
23:11
You know, we uh we had maintained our
23:13
relationship through the hard times.
23:15
There was some hard, of course, there's always
23:16
hard times in a relationship, but we found
23:18
ways to overcome them.
23:20
We always kept our our relationship and our
23:22
family at the center of every decision we
23:25
made.
23:28
So it was never, you know, a problem.
23:31
It was uh to to figure something out
23:33
because it was always Kathy and I against
23:35
the problem.
23:37
And that's how we lived our lives, and
23:39
we lived a beautiful life.
23:40
We had 42 great years together as a
23:42
married couple with a great family.
23:45
And we're watching all these kids, and they're
23:47
all they're all thriving.
23:49
They're all they learned the lessons that we
23:52
taught uh outwardly and the lessons that they
23:54
learned by watching us deal with difficulties and
23:57
struggles and whatnot.
23:59
And that's that's been very satisfying.
24:02
So we sat there a year ago, going,
24:05
okay, uh, our youngest is graduating college, and
24:08
he's got a job, a really big time
24:11
job, and he's moving out of state, and
24:14
he's getting married.
24:18
Yes, he was young getting married, but you
24:20
know, him and his him and his girl
24:22
uh ended up uh, you know, they were
24:24
they dated for a long time, they were
24:26
very serious and really wonderful young lady, my
24:28
new daughter, and that's how I see these
24:30
girls that come in.
24:32
They are part of my family.
24:34
They become my daughter, not just daughter-in-law, they
24:35
become my daughter, right?
24:38
And we we saw all that coming, and
24:40
we said, okay, we're gonna we're gonna move,
24:43
we're gonna move our youngest out into his
24:45
apartment, and he's gonna start his life.
24:48
October, we'll have the wedding, it'll be fantastic.
24:51
And then we'll decide what we want to
24:52
do.
24:54
You know, what Kathy and I want to
24:56
do, and we were laughing saying, you know,
24:58
he graduated college, and we are now empty
25:00
nesters.
25:02
They have all moved out.
25:04
All of our kids have done well and
25:06
they've moved out, and we are now empty
25:08
nesters.
25:10
We have our lives back to being about
25:11
me and you.
25:13
Just like when we were in our 20s
25:15
before we had kids.
25:16
We made decisions about what Kathy and I
25:18
wanted to do.
25:19
Where do we want to go?
25:20
Where do we want to live?
25:21
What jobs do we want?
25:23
All that kind of stuff that you do
25:24
in your 20s, right?
25:25
Before you get married and before you start
25:27
a family.
25:28
And we're like, okay, we're back to that.
25:31
What are we going to do?
25:32
How are we going to rediscover ourselves, right?
25:37
So I'm linking the two things here.
25:39
My daughter, um, who had her difficulty with
25:42
this relationship, had to reinvent herself.
25:45
She had to reinvent herself and her life
25:48
and her plans because they came apart, you
25:50
know, and sometimes they do, right?
25:53
Sometimes life plans come apart of no fault
25:55
of yours.
25:57
It's just that's how it works out.
25:59
So she is here at home and she's
26:02
reinventing herself, figuring out who am I?
26:05
Because she's got this identity of her and
26:08
this guy, but that's over now.
26:10
So she has to figure out who is
26:11
she.
26:12
So we had many, many long conversations about
26:15
how do you reinvent yourself.
26:18
How do you figure out who you are?
26:21
Uh either as a couple with different change
26:23
responsibilities, you don't have to take care of
26:25
kids anymore.
26:28
Uh you're at the end of your career,
26:29
maybe you're looking at retirement.
26:31
What are you going to do with that
26:33
time now that you have this time?
26:36
And and we see we saw lots of
26:37
things happening.
26:39
So my daughter and I really focused on,
26:43
you know, helping her be prepared.
26:46
Well, she got this new job, which is
26:48
amazing.
26:49
It really is an amazing job.
26:50
It's her dream job, basically.
26:53
And then we got her this apartment.
26:55
Emotionally, she's healed from the breakup, and she's
26:58
moving out.
27:01
We're moving her out uh this weekend, and
27:04
she will be starting over.
27:07
And instead of being broken, like she was
27:10
after the breakup and the loss of her
27:13
mother, she is now prepared to run forward.
27:17
So we'll be back in a minute for
27:18
more.
27:19
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Okay, everybody, I'm back.
30:37
I'm sorry about that.
30:38
And you know, Mr.
30:39
Producers uh, you know, here uh they're gonna
30:40
be upset that I went a little long
30:42
on that last part.
30:43
They may have to cut some of it,
30:44
I don't know.
30:46
But uh I went a little long because
30:47
I was I had a lot of thoughts
30:48
I was trying to get out.
30:50
So I'm gonna finish up on this, and
30:52
then we'll get to our topical stuff.
30:54
So that that time that uh my daughter
30:57
and I had together was focused purposely on
30:59
her.
31:02
You know, she had a double whammy, lost
31:05
her mother, uh, and then lost her relationship.
31:08
So, you know, I'm suffering through my grief,
31:09
you know, and then I've been open about
31:11
it to all of you, and and I'm
31:13
I'm moving along.
31:15
I'm I'm I can feel myself healing, but
31:17
it's not very easy, right?
31:19
Some you good goes back and forth.
31:20
Anybody in grief knows you have a couple
31:22
of good days and then you have some
31:23
bad days, and that's kind of what I've
31:24
been going through.
31:26
But I focused specifically on her, and we
31:28
did a lot of things, a lot of
31:31
talking, a lot of time spent considering what
31:33
she could do and how she can move
31:36
ahead, and it seems to be successful.
31:38
She's moving out this weekend to a new
31:40
apartment, a new life, a new opportunity.
31:42
Uh, she's made all new friends, all new
31:46
people, and you know, not only is she
31:49
brilliant and sweet and kind, uh, everything you
31:52
could hope for uh in a in a
31:55
child, especially in a daughter, but she's also
31:58
drop dead gorgeous.
32:01
So as you can imagine, there are no
32:03
um there's no lack of people who would
32:05
like to go out with her, talk to
32:07
her, spend time with her, all that kind
32:09
of stuff.
32:11
But I think she's in a much better
32:14
place now to make more critical decisions about
32:18
everything that she engages in, every relationship, every
32:22
uh everything with work, everything with her future,
32:26
because she's in the second quarter now.
32:30
All that experience she got in the first
32:33
quarter and all the problems and all the
32:36
difficulties that she went through have landed her
32:39
in a place where she's now um better
32:42
equipped, so to speak, mentally, physically, to deal
32:45
with the next set of things that come
32:49
along in life.
32:52
And I'm very happy for her, I'm very
32:53
excited for her.
32:55
Uh it's it's really a as a parent,
32:57
it's a wonderful thing to see.
33:00
But the point is she came home, right?
33:03
She recentered herself with a purpose by coming
33:05
home.
33:08
And I know a lot of people have
33:10
their kids come home and they just live
33:12
in the basement and play video games, and
33:15
they don't work towards anything.
33:17
This I think can be damaging for the
33:20
family, for the adult relationships with you and
33:22
your children if they're just living in the
33:25
basement, not moving forward, not going back to
33:28
school, not getting more education, not getting a
33:30
better job, not working on problems that they
33:33
have, not finding themselves.
33:36
All the things that my daughter did.
33:39
She that she used this time.
33:41
She wasn't coming home to stay forever.
33:43
She wants to be independent and go out
33:44
on her own.
33:45
That's who she is.
33:46
She's she's just amazing.
33:48
But she knew she needed this time to
33:50
heal.
33:51
And that's what we did with the time.
33:53
So if you have kids living with you,
33:55
they come back home, or maybe they never
33:57
left, and they're in their 20s, their late
33:59
20s.
34:02
We talk about people all the time in
34:03
their 30s, they're still living at home in
34:04
the basement.
34:06
Is that healthy and good for them to
34:08
be living in the basement and not moving
34:09
forward?
34:12
I think you need to help them move
34:13
forward.
34:15
That's my opinion from my experience.
34:18
You know, if you're if you're happy that
34:20
your kids are just living in the basement,
34:22
well, then that's that's good.
34:24
That's good.
34:25
You enjoy your family as long as you
34:26
can.
34:27
You know, but seeing them independent and going
34:30
out into the world and functioning and overcoming
34:34
problems is really a wonderful thing.
34:37
You know why it makes me happy?
34:39
Because I'm in the fourth quarter, and I'm
34:41
not gonna be here for the three quarters
34:43
left of their lives.
34:45
You know, that's just the reality.
34:47
See what I mean?
34:47
You gotta face it head up.
34:49
If I'm lucky I got 20 more years
34:51
or less than that, because I'm 62 now.
34:54
So I got I got less time to
34:56
save them anymore.
34:58
As the father, I can't save them anymore.
35:00
Can't save them anymore.
35:01
You know, I can help out, I can
35:01
You know, I can help out, I can
35:03
give advice.
35:03
give advice.
35:04
They have to stand on their own uh
35:04
They have to stand on their own in
35:06
in their lives.
35:06
their lives.
35:08
And seeing that they can do that is
35:08
And seeing that they can do that is
35:10
very satisfying.
35:10
very satisfying.
35:12
It's comforting to me to know that all
35:12
It's comforting to me to know that all
35:15
of my children are strong mentally, physically.
35:15
of my children are strong mentally, physically.
35:19
Uh, they're good and decent people, and that's
35:19
They're good and decent people.
35:20
what you want.
35:21
And that's what you want.
35:22
If you so if your kids living in
35:22
If you so if your kids living in
35:23
the basement, or they come home, it's okay
35:23
the basement or they come home, it's okay
35:25
that they come home.
35:25
that they come home.
35:27
Come home for a purpose.
35:27
Come home for a purpose.
35:29
Help refocus.
35:29
Help refocus them.
35:30
It's probably the best thing you could do.
35:32
All right, so I just wanted to cover
35:33
that because I think that's part of the
35:34
human equation, right?
35:36
We're not all about politics here.
35:38
It's about the the life of people.
35:41
And attached to that, attached to that kind
35:43
of a concept.
35:46
I'm going to talk about an experience that
35:48
I'm having.
35:50
And I am now in a position where
35:52
I have to reinvent myself in the fourth
35:54
quarter.
35:56
So I gave you the background.
35:58
I didn't expect to be here.
35:59
I thought I would be the one who
36:02
would go, and that Kathy would be here
36:04
in the last quarter by herself, you know,
36:06
uh with her grandchildren and doing all that
36:09
kind of stuff, and she'd be financially set.
36:11
Well, we we set her up for great
36:15
success, never thinking that this horrible evil cancer
36:18
would jump up out of nowhere, and in
36:22
five weeks' time take her out.
36:25
We just never thought that would happen.
36:27
It wasn't even a possibility on our uh
36:29
let's take a look at the future.
36:32
We figured me, having a heart attack or
36:34
a stroke or something was was realistic because
36:36
that's what happens in my family.
36:38
So we made plans for that.
36:41
Well, as it turns out, the you know,
36:42
uh, what do they say?
36:44
God laughs while you're making plans, and out
36:46
of nowhere from a year ago, a year
36:49
ago, right?
36:51
So a year ago, to a couple of
36:54
days of being empty nesters.
36:58
Kathy said, I have I have a funny
36:59
pain in my rib, and five weeks later
37:01
she was gone.
37:03
That's how fast this cancer jumped up on
37:05
her and took her.
37:07
Now, I've talked about this at length.
37:09
Um, and this is not a pity party
37:10
for Joe.
37:11
It's just explaining the the reality of a
37:14
year ago enjoying cocktails, talking about the future
37:17
to five weeks later.
37:20
My life completely changed completely upside down, inside
37:23
out, and I was not prepared for it.
37:27
Even though we had talked about the you
37:30
know, the fourth quarter, the thinking that we
37:32
had done dealing with was the fact that
37:34
I would be the one gone, and how
37:36
would we make sure that Kathy had a
37:39
good life for the balance of whatever God
37:41
gave her?
37:44
Never thinking that I would be the one
37:46
who'd be here alone in the house.
37:48
It's uh it's very bizarre.
37:50
And what I'm finding, you know, I'm nine
37:52
months in now into this into this grief,
37:54
and I've learned a lot about it to
37:56
try and understand it, to try and put
37:58
it in perspective to figure out where am
38:00
I, you know, and I I'm coming out
38:03
of the fog as I've as I've said
38:05
it, and I'm coming out of the fog
38:07
now, and I'm I'm at the point of
38:09
acceptance that this is like was so bizarre
38:11
that this happened.
38:13
Um, how did this happen to my Kathy?
38:15
I just we just can't believe it.
38:17
But it did.
38:18
And now, as I come out of this
38:21
fog, and I see you know, acceptance and
38:23
reality, and I'm back to work, I'm I'm
38:25
working, I have contracts, I'm doing stuff, I'm
38:28
doing the show, I'm doing a lot of
38:30
writing.
38:33
But I am now at the point of
38:36
having to reinvent myself, you know, who am
38:39
I at this point?
38:43
And I while I don't belong to any
38:44
uh, you know, widower groups or anything like
38:46
that.
38:49
Sorry, I don't know that that's necessary for
38:51
me.
38:52
I don't I don't I don't sit think
38:54
like to sit around and complain about things.
38:57
I'm dealing with it, and I have my
38:59
family, we're all dealing with it separately, but
39:01
we're helping each other.
39:04
But as I come out of this fog
39:06
and I realize, okay, this is this is
39:08
real, this happened, and maybe I'm gonna make
39:11
it another 20 years.
39:13
Maybe, I don't know.
39:14
I could be gone tomorrow.
39:17
But if I'm not, who am I going
39:18
to be?
39:20
You know, for the last 45, 50 years
39:23
of my life, I've been Joe the dad,
39:26
Joe the husband.
39:30
Uh, you know, and now I'm back to
39:33
where I was before I met my wife.
39:37
I'm back to 18-year-old Joe, trying to figure
39:40
out who the hell am I?
39:44
You know, I have a whole whole life
39:47
uh of experience, but that experience was as
39:50
husband and father and mentor and cop and
39:52
all that stuff, and now here I am
39:55
in this last quarter in a position I
39:58
never thought I would be in, and I
40:01
have to reinvent myself.
40:04
So many of you out there might be
40:06
in that same position, whether you're in your
40:09
20s, 30s, 40s, 50s, or 60s, or 70s.
40:11
You know, things happen.
40:13
Um as I study this and try and
40:15
figure out where am I, what's happening to
40:16
me?
40:18
Uh, how do I how am I feeling
40:20
and and how's that affecting my decisions and
40:22
what am I going to do?
40:24
And I go through all that, you know,
40:26
again, facing it straight up.
40:27
Let me face this straight up.
40:29
Um, I've come across a lot of people
40:32
who are on the exact same path.
40:35
And we're all out there trying to figure
40:37
out who we are now that we're now
40:39
that our lives are different.
40:41
Now, it could be because of a divorce.
40:43
You know, a lot of people, once the
40:45
kids move out in their 50s, they get
40:47
divorced because now they don't have to stay
40:48
together for the kids.
40:50
They're not happy uh with the married life,
40:52
but they put up with it because they
40:54
were staying together for the kids.
40:56
Now the kids are all married and moved
40:58
out, and now they get divorced.
41:00
And whether you're the man or the woman,
41:03
you have to figure out okay, well, that's
41:05
who I was for so long.
41:08
Who am I now?
41:10
Who do I want to be?
41:11
Who can I be?
41:12
What should I do?
41:13
Right?
41:14
It's I guess I'm I'm talking to people
41:16
out there who are not going through this
41:19
as a as a um as a word
41:22
of caution that you should consider all the
41:25
possibilities of your future so that you start
41:28
to prepare yourself.
41:32
Now, if you get to live together as
41:34
a married couple until you're 80s, till you're
41:36
both old and and you can't you don't
41:38
remember who each other is, okay, that's probably
41:40
a blessing too.
41:42
But the reality is you don't know what
41:45
life is going to throw at you.
41:47
And as I try and reinvent myself, I
41:51
I've gone through this whole process of, well,
41:54
first of all, I don't like this.
41:57
I didn't plan on this.
41:59
You know, Kathy and I were we were
42:00
And I were we were empty nesters for
42:01
empty nesters for literally three days.
42:02
literally three days.
42:04
We were empty nesters until she got that
42:04
We were empty nesters uh until she got
42:06
that first pain.
42:06
first pain.
42:09
And then that was it, then it was
42:09
And then that was it.
42:10
over.
42:10
Then it was over.
42:11
Five weeks later it was gone.
42:11
Five weeks later it was gone.
42:12
But we were empty nesters.
42:12
But we were empty nesters, and we were
42:14
And we were planning on what well, do
42:14
planning on what well, do we sell the
42:15
we sell the house?
42:15
house?
42:17
Do we sell the family house now and
42:17
Do we sell the family house now?
42:18
downsize?
42:19
And downsize.
42:21
Do we sell the place and our goal
42:21
Do we sell the place and our goal
42:22
was maybe we'll buy a condo in Florida
42:23
was maybe we'll buy a condo in Florida
42:24
and a condo up here in New Jersey,
42:25
and a condo up here in New Jersey?
42:26
and we'll go back and forth.
42:27
And we'll go back and forth.
42:28
We'll be snowbirds.
42:28
We'll be snowbirds.
42:29
We've
42:29
We've worked hard our entire lives, dedicated to
42:32
our children and our now we're going to
42:34
do this.
42:37
And what is it we want to do?
42:38
Or do we want to buy a piece
42:41
of property in the Adirondacks and go there?
42:43
Or do we want to go to South
42:44
Carolina?
42:47
We were trying to figure out all of
42:48
these things.
42:50
And it came to an end abruptly.
42:53
So here I am now trying to figure
42:56
out what do I want.
43:00
It's bizarre.
43:01
And you really need to consider it because
43:03
it could happen to you.
43:05
And that's that's why I'm using this experience,
43:07
this human experience to pass on to you
43:09
as I go.
43:11
I I can articulate it.
43:13
I'm I'm healing.
43:15
I will never be over losing my Kathy.
43:18
Um that's just a reality.
43:23
I will never be over that.
43:24
But I am trying to figure out what
43:27
do I do with these 20 years?
43:30
If I'm given this 20-year gift, what can
43:32
I do with it?
43:33
So I'm good I'm trying to find projects
43:36
where I can help people, right?
43:38
My my business, I I do threat assessments
43:40
and training and all that.
43:42
That helps people.
43:43
So that helps me a lot.
43:44
My writing helps me a lot.
43:45
This show helps me a lot to be
43:47
able to vent this stuff, right?
43:49
But I'm thinking maybe I take on some
43:51
some more charitable kind of things where I
43:54
go out and mentor or help or do
43:56
something, right?
43:59
So I'm thinking about that.
44:00
And then something that was part of me
44:03
before I met my Kathy, you know, when
44:06
I was 15, 16, 17, 18, before I
44:09
met her, I was a musician.
44:12
I was a guitar player.
44:13
My goal was uh rock and roll.
44:16
Me and my band.
44:18
We were we were preparing to leave New
44:21
Jersey and move to Los Angeles.
44:24
And uh that was our plan.
44:26
We had played around here, we built up
44:28
a little bit of a following, we wrote
44:30
our own songs, uh, you know, we were
44:32
excited, we were full of the Jersey rock
44:34
and roll energy.
44:36
Um, and we were gonna move to Los
44:39
Angeles, and then fate stepped in.
44:42
And what was that fate?
44:44
I met Kathy, and we hit it off,
44:46
and you know, at the time I had
44:48
been a player up till then, you know,
44:50
you're in the rock and roll world.
44:53
You, you know, I was a player.
44:54
I had the I dated lots and lots
44:56
of lots and lots of girls.
44:58
But I met Kathy, and I was thunderstruck,
45:00
as they say.
45:03
And once that relationship got going, uh, I
45:06
was not going to Los Angeles anymore.
45:10
And uh had to inform my bandmates, yeah,
45:11
we're gonna have to make it, we're gonna
45:13
make it here at Jersey Shore.
45:14
We'll go to Asbury Park and we'll uh
45:16
we'll try and stake our claim on the
45:18
Jersey Shore rock and roll thing.
45:20
But unfortunately, uh, you know, sometimes, sometimes, not
45:23
always, but when something like that happens, you
45:26
meet that right person, it changes your entire
45:29
perspective.
45:32
And it did.
45:33
My perspective changed.
45:35
I decided I wanted to be with Kathy
45:37
and to have a family and this and
45:39
that, and that was not um that was
45:41
not conducive to the rock and roll lifestyle
45:44
that I had been living.
45:46
And it is so funny because I wanted
45:48
that rock and roll lifestyle and career for
45:50
all those years.
45:53
You know, it says funny, when you're 15,
45:54
what do you know?
45:55
But I kind of knew at 15, 16,
45:57
17, 18, we're building, we're we're building momentum,
45:59
it's happening.
46:01
Um I wanted that so bad I could
46:03
taste it every single day.
46:05
And then I met this this girl randomly
46:07
out of nowhere.
46:10
I met her, and it was a thunderstruck
46:12
moment.
46:14
And then as time went by and we're
46:16
making these plans in the background that we're
46:17
gonna, you know, the band is gonna save
46:19
up enough money, and we're you know, we're
46:21
gonna give ourselves a year, a little more
46:23
than a year to save up the money
46:25
we need to to make the move to
46:27
Los Angeles uh legitimate, not just you know,
46:28
drive across the country in a van with
46:30
all our equipment and hope we find the
46:32
life.
46:34
That we knew that wasn't gonna be uh
46:36
that wasn't gonna work.
46:38
We knew we needed money to make sure
46:40
that we could get over there, get an
46:42
apartment, you know, but you know, have a
46:44
base and live in a new brand new
46:46
place halfway all the way across the country.
46:48
So it's unfortunate that as we're making these
46:51
plans, and I could start feeling that I
46:55
didn't think I wanted to do that anymore.
46:58
And I felt really bad about it because
47:01
I was one of the central figures in
47:04
the band as a songwriter, singer, musician, leader
47:07
of the band kind of a thing.
47:10
That all these guys, these best friends of
47:13
mine, these brothers uh in arms, so to
47:16
speak, were making these plans, and in the
47:19
background, I knew it was changing.
47:22
I could feel it was changing, that I
47:23
didn't want to go.
47:25
And Kathy didn't want to go, she didn't
47:27
want to go to Los Angeles and be
47:28
uh a band wife.
47:30
That was not what she was looking for.
47:32
She was looking for a family.
47:34
She wanted to be a mother and a
47:36
wife and uh and have a family and
47:38
all the good things that go with it.
47:40
And I did too.
47:42
And I guess I didn't have the opportunity
47:45
to even consider that because you know, all
47:48
the all the young ladies that I met
47:50
were um they were transient, let's just say.
47:53
We liked each other, we saw each other
47:54
for a little while, we were we were
47:56
little while friends.
47:57
There was nothing like that moment that I
47:59
met her, and I just I just knew.
48:02
You say they say you meet your soulmate.
48:04
Well, bab boom, let me tell you, I
48:07
met my soulmate, and there she was, and
48:10
as the weeks went by and our relationship
48:12
started to develop, and we became exclusive.
48:16
I knew going to Los Angeles was not
48:17
gonna happen.
48:20
I just knew it wasn't gonna happen, and
48:21
I put it off and I put it
48:23
off and I put it off, and we're
48:25
having meetings, you know, band meetings, and we're
48:26
figuring out okay how much do we have
48:28
saved in the account and you know what
48:30
cars are we gonna sell, or we what
48:32
are we gonna buy a van?
48:34
What are we gonna do?
48:34
All those real decisions that go into making
48:37
a big move like that, and the commitment
48:39
for it, and I I'll never forget.
48:43
I'll never forget, we were probably about six
48:45
months from going.
48:48
And we had a band meeting to discuss
48:51
where we were and the gigs we had
48:53
and all that, and I had to say,
48:56
I said, uh fellas, you're gonna hate me,
48:58
but I'm not going to Los Angeles.
49:00
Angeles.
49:01
And out of the, you know, out of
49:01
And out of the, you know, out of
49:04
the five of us, um, three of the
49:04
the five of us, um, three of the
49:07
guys were absolutely stunned.
49:07
guys were absolutely stunned.
49:10
They had no idea, they thought this is
49:10
They had no idea, they thought this is
49:12
what was happening, and this and that, but
49:12
what was happening, and this and that, but
49:14
the other two fellas were very close to
49:14
the other two fellas were very close to
49:15
me.
49:15
me.
49:17
Um they said, listen, we knew we knew
49:17
Um, they said, Listen, we knew we knew
49:19
this was was happening.
49:19
this was was happening.
49:21
We could see you and Kathy, you were
49:21
We could see you and Kathy, you were
49:23
very, very tight, and we knew we knew
49:23
very, very tight, and we knew we knew
49:25
in our hearts that we weren't gonna be
49:25
in our hearts that we weren't gonna be
49:27
going.
49:27
going.
49:30
Um I said, I feel bad, I feel
49:31
terrible.
49:33
You guys, you know, you guys should go,
49:34
you guys should go.
49:35
And it's like, no, we're a band, we're
49:37
a group, identity involves you, and you know,
49:39
we it we were just we don't know
49:41
what we're gonna do.
49:44
And it was tough, it caused problems, you
49:45
know.
49:46
Just like this was a breakup, wasn't it?
49:48
This was a breakup, basically.
49:49
One one person in the relationship was making
49:52
a decision that affected everybody, and it was
49:55
uh trying to figure out who I was.
49:58
Well, I realized that I well, I loved
50:01
the rock and roll life and the persona
50:04
and the idea of being creative and making
50:07
music and hitting the road and and you
50:10
know oh, becoming famous and rich, all of
50:13
that was so appealing, but that was appealing
50:16
in reality to first quarter Joe, right?
50:20
First quarter Joe.
50:21
Uh, as I had the relationship with Kathy,
50:24
and I started hitting the second quarter in
50:27
my 20s now, it became apparent that my
50:30
wants and my desires and the things that
50:33
I saw, how I saw the world were
50:35
changing, and what I wanted in the first
50:38
quarter, I still wanted in the second quarter,
50:41
but I wanted this other life that I
50:44
was envisioning now more than I wanted the
50:47
rock and roll life.
50:50
And uh, you know, I don't want to
50:53
say a sad story, but the reality was
50:55
now that I had uh Kathy and our
50:58
relationship was very, very strong, we were making
51:01
plans to get married.
51:04
Now I had to consider something different.
51:06
The rock and roll lifestyle was good.
51:09
We made some money, we certainly didn't make
51:11
a lot of money, not enough to support
51:13
a family, not enough to support a wife
51:15
and a family and a house and children.
51:18
Absolutely not.
51:20
Um I had to make another decision.
51:22
Well, I need to get a real job,
51:25
and that's what I set out to do,
51:27
and I got real jobs, real employment, which
51:30
didn't leave a lot of time for rock
51:32
and roll, and as you can imagine, slowly
51:35
but surely, you know, okay, I can't play
51:37
a gig all night long on Saturday.
51:40
Um, you know, for $350, I have to
51:42
go to work.
51:44
The job I have demands I work on
51:46
Saturday and Sunday, so I can't do it.
51:48
Well, the band ended up stopping.
51:50
You know, we ended up uh transitioning away
51:52
from music, all of us.
51:54
Everybody, you know, took that decision that I
51:57
made and they ran with it.
52:00
Now they could have kept going, they were
52:01
talented musicians.
52:02
Uh, but I guess I had to drive.
52:05
I was the driving force behind what we
52:06
were doing.
52:08
And once I stepped away, they basically all
52:10
stepped away.
52:12
And that was the end of it.
52:14
That was the end of it.
52:15
1983, 1984.
52:18
Uh, you thought look how long ago that
52:20
was.
52:21
Um, so Kathy and I got married in
52:23
83, and I started my police career two
52:26
years later, and all the guys in the
52:29
band went all their separate ways, and we
52:31
all went through our lives and had had
52:34
different experiences going through our lives.
52:37
But I had the one I've explained to
52:38
you.
52:39
I had a great love life, a great
52:41
romance with my wife.
52:43
I had wonderful children, I had a great
52:45
police career.
52:46
It turned into a really solid wonderful life,
52:48
and that's why we have that sign hanging
52:50
in my home here for the last 20
52:52
years.
52:54
It's a wonderful life.
52:56
Well, now, as I'm trying to figure out
52:58
who I am, right, and that's the purpose
53:00
of this conversation, because I don't think we're
53:03
gonna get to all the topical stuff.
53:05
Tonight's just human equation stuff, people.
53:08
Um I realized I look looked at it
53:09
and I go, okay, now who am I
53:11
now?
53:13
Uh my Kathy's gone, my kids are grown
53:15
up and out, and I guess some people
53:17
would be depressed.
53:19
Um, and I I started to feel like
53:20
that.
53:22
I'll be honest with you.
53:23
I started to feel like, well, I did
53:24
everything I was supposed to do.
53:26
I had a wonderful wife with a wonderful
53:28
life, I had wonderful children, they're all strong,
53:30
they're independent, they're on their own.
53:32
What the hell do I got left to
53:32
do?
53:33
I got nothing to do, and I started
53:35
thinking like that.
53:36
And I realized that that was that's detrimental.
53:39
That's a detrimental way to look at things.
53:42
It all the flavor of life was pulled
53:44
out of me in the last nine months.
53:47
I just felt like eh, blase, I I
53:49
don't feel like doing anything, what am I
53:51
gonna do?
53:53
Well, part of that was the grief, and
53:55
now as the fog is lifting, as the
53:58
fog is lifting, I'm realizing that you know,
54:00
just like I had said to Kathy when
54:02
we were talking about our future in the
54:04
fourth quarter, that I would want her to
54:07
go on and have a great life and
54:09
enjoy all the time that God gives her,
54:11
enjoy the grandchildren, travel, do whatever it is
54:14
you want.
54:17
Enjoy yourself, don't um don't mourn me to
54:19
the point that it ruins what time you
54:21
have left.
54:24
And I realize that that's what she would
54:26
want for me, and that's what this is
54:28
when the fog lifts, then all of a
54:31
sudden you remember these things, and these things
54:33
come to the fore, and they start to
54:35
mean more, and I could feel my energy
54:38
increasing again.
54:40
I could feel a desire to live.
54:44
Now it's not gonna be the same way
54:45
it was with Kathy.
54:47
I have to reinvent myself.
54:48
Who am I now?
54:50
Right?
54:50
So, what have I done?
54:52
My basement was always my office.
54:54
We have an office in my basement here
54:56
where we do things, I do my podcasts
54:58
and I do radio shows and I do
55:01
my business and everything, but the other half
55:03
of my basement was a TV room.
55:05
That's a TV room with all our TVs,
55:07
that's where we watch TV and it's entertainment.
55:09
Well, I rearranged my house, I put my
55:12
entertainment stuff back up on the first floor
55:14
where it hadn't been for 35 years, and
55:17
I took this space down here next to
55:19
my office, and I pulled out my guitar,
55:22
and I bought an amp.
55:25
And then I went and found my drummer
55:27
friend from back in the day, and he's
55:29
still in the area, and we dragged his
55:31
drum kit over here, and then we found
55:33
my brother over the years learned to play
55:35
guitar.
55:37
We dragged his stuff over here.
55:39
We found a guy to play bass, and
55:42
we dragged his stuff over here, and we
55:44
found a guy playing piano who took up
55:47
piano after his wife died 10 years ago,
55:50
and we built a music studio in my
55:52
basement now, fully uh fully set up basement,
55:55
PA systems, everything, and we are making music
55:58
again.
56:00
Music again.
56:01
I pulled out all these songs that I
56:01
I pulled out all these songs that I
56:03
had written over the years and I wrote
56:03
had written over the years, and I wrote
56:05
new ones based on my life experience since
56:06
new ones based on my life experience since
56:07
I was 20 years old.
56:09
I was 20 years old, and we are
56:10
And we are playing music a couple times
56:11
playing music a couple times a week here.
56:12
a week here.
56:14
Our goal is to get out, maybe go
56:14
Our goal is to get out, maybe go
56:17
play some locations, but we're gonna record.
56:17
play some locations, but we're gonna record.
56:19
We're gonna record some music for posterity and
56:19
We're gonna record some music for posterity and
56:22
to enjoy ourselves to live.
56:22
to enjoy ourselves to live.
56:26
I'm going to live, right?
56:26
I'm going to live, right?
56:27
So I'm back to business, I'm doing what
56:27
So I'm back to business.
56:28
I love with.
56:28
I'm doing what I love with my business.
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I'm busy with my church, doing what I
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can for the church, and now I'm down
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here playing rock and roll, and I'm learning
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to live again.
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I'm reinventing myself for the positive.
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I am so grateful for the life I
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had with my Kathy.
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And I know, you know, reality, I'm in
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fourth quarter.
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I will be reunited with her sooner rather
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than later.
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But in the meantime, I'm going to live.
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So this is the lesson.
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Reinventing yourself, healing yourself, doing what you need
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to do to live.
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Remember, be a part of the solution, not
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a part of the problem.
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We'll see you down the road.