Transcript

Extreme Chess · INSPIRE STORY

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Speaker 1: Welcome back to the ninety six annual World Series of
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Extreme Trass here in Onion Dale, California, once again, and
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as always, I'm your host, Christian Pickles. Joining us from
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the floor is our correspondent on the scene, Sandy Castle's
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and with me in the action room today is my
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co host Dale Haydell Dale. What can we expect from
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today's game?
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Speaker 2: Thanks Chris Well.
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Speaker 3: Day seven is about to get underway, and our initial
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field of forty six thousand competitors has been whittled down
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to only two hundred and fifty five, the odd number
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owing to an unfortunate turn of events from the end
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of Day six when fan favorite Tobias toblerone was disqualified
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from the tournament. When referees discover the presence of performance
1:00
enhancing drugs is hourly blood sample.
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Speaker 1: You hate to see it, Dale. While everyone seems to
1:05
be talking about the Toblerne scandal, at least one individual
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must be feeling like the cat that ate the Canary.
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I'm talking, of course, about Joseph Joe Schmoe Shmosef, the
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recipient of the incredibly rare by round starting to Daze tournament.
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Speaker 3: That's right, Chris Joe was sent to face off against
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tobleron this morning before the doping scandal broke. We can
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see that he's making the most of his time off.
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It looks like yes, Joe Schmoe has hung a hammock
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on the tournament floor and appears to be taking a
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restorative power nap.
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Speaker 1: The Greek philosopher Lucia Seneca once said that luck is
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when opportunity meets preparation, and Joe Schmoe certainly came here
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today prepared to sit this one out.
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Speaker 3: Let's not downplay the mental aspect. By sleeping in such
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close proximity to the other players.
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Speaker 2: Joe is showing off.
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Speaker 3: That kind of power move must really be getting under
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his fellow competitors' skins, which really goes to show how
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the top players are never not playing.
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Speaker 1: Of course, we can't talk about mind games without bringing
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up Porky Toyota, the first runner up of the forty
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fourth Annual Games, who famously utilize hypnosis to secure an
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edge over his competition.
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Speaker 3: That's right, Chris, those really were the wild West days
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of extreme chess before rules against mind control went into effect.
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Speaker 1: But mind control can only take you so far in
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a game like Extreme Chess, this.
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Speaker 2: Ain't your grandmother's chess game, that's for sure.
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Speaker 1: Despite topol Run's graceless exit, there are still plenty of
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familiar faces in our final two fifty five, including last
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year's champion Miranda Buttercup, who, according to sports Betting, is
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favored to cinch her second crown.
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Speaker 3: While Miranda has positioned herself as the one to beat,
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we have a few newcomers making impressive displays as well.
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For one, I'm interested to see how far twelve year
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old prodigy Gizmo tinky Winky makes it today.
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Speaker 1: While Tinky Winky has had an impressive run, he is
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not the youngest player to reach day eight in an
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extreme chess tournament.
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Speaker 2: No doubt.
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Speaker 3: But you'd had to go back fifteen years to find
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Orio Sprite, who made it to the final four at
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the age of ten. Orio has since hung up her
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chess playing hat and now serves as a diplomat to
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the Interstellar Convoy on behalf of the United Earth Federation.
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Speaker 1: Such a shame to see that kind of talent wasted
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in politics.
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Speaker 3: The youngest player who ever reached day eight was, of course,
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super prodigy Brian Brain, who was born on the first
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day of the tenth annual Extreme Chess Tournament and went
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on to play second against grand champion Pizza Bentley.
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Speaker 1: That was a match for the ages. The two are
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nearly matched in skill. Brain, of course, had the advantage
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of spending the previous nine months in utero studying Bentley's
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past games, searching for weaknesses. Bentley, on the other hand,
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was an adult, and in the end, that gave him
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the edge needed to defeat the new born infant.
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Speaker 3: Brain, of course, went on to place and win several
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more championships before the success and rock Star Lifestyle eventually
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took their toll on him, leading to his retirement at
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the age of seven.
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Speaker 1: Let's take this opportunity to go live to Sandy Castle's Sandy.
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Today's games are about to begin. Toblerne was expected to
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reach the final sixteen and now he's been disqualified. I
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know a lot of players were hoping for a chance
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to go toe to toe with the legend before this upset.
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What can you tell us about the mood of the
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room today? Interesting? And what about the other players? Are
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they letting this distract him from what's at stake?
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Speaker 3: Well, there you have it, folks. Professionalism at its finest.
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We really are living in a golden age for the sport.
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I think this would be an ideal time to mention
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that observable reality is actually determined by him.
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Speaker 1: And we're off. We've only just now heard the ceremonial
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extreme chess gunshot signifying the startup today day's play, and
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the competition is already fiercely underway.
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Speaker 2: Looks like an early upset a table eight.
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Speaker 1: Let's take a closer look. Ah yes, Table eight is
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where previous Grandmaster Flishy Flash is going head to head
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with newcomer Oliver Laplace. Flash mixed up his usual play
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style with an aggressive opening the Danish gambit, to which
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Laplace reacted with an equally aggressive attack on E four,
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a no holds barred early game between two giants, and
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it looks like Flash is considering, oh my god, I
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don't believe it. Flashes open his queenside rook for a
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possible pin.
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Speaker 3: That's a classic honey pot. There's no way Laplace can resist.
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Speaker 2: Oh whoa did.
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Speaker 1: You just see that?
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Speaker 2: That's right, Chris, remarkable. Laplace just castled Kingside.
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Speaker 1: It's this kind of play that makes me feel humble,
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a mere mortal sitting here witnessing the literal apotheosis of
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human ability.
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Speaker 2: The implications here are, well, it's a lot to unpack.
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Speaker 1: Flash is reeling from this last move. His entire strategy
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was based on Laplace's weak frontline. Now he's having to
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rethink everything. Let's go to Sandy, who's on the scene. Sandy,
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what does Flash need to do now to regain momentum
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in this game?
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Speaker 2: And do you think we'll see any sort of rebuttal
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from Laplace?
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Speaker 1: I guess we'll have to wait and see, won't we.
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Speaker 3: Let's go now to table three, where Eliza Smalls and
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Ukulele Ramirez are deep into their mid game.
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Speaker 1: Smalls and Ramirez are both equally matched on paper. Ramirez
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has always been a strong defensive player, which Smalls is
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looking to take advantage of Small's plays. Rook to E three,
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Ramirez counters with a pond to be four. Small is
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meticulously cutting through Ramirez's defenses, leaving nowhere for him to hide,
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but Ramirez covers with staggered pawns night to see three.
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Bishop takes pawn Rook to A four. Queen takes Rook.
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It looks like we're seeing a new Oh my.
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Speaker 2: God, I don't believe it.
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Speaker 1: A truly outstanding powerhouse of a move from Smalls. Holy shit,
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Smalls just blew this game off. The hinges night to
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see four check. Ramirez moves back his king, but you
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can see it in his eyes he knows the game
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is over.
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Speaker 3: Now. What Smalls did here was run her opponent around
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in a circle, then cut through the circle and cut
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off the head of the snake of the circle.
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Speaker 1: A beautiful maneuver. I'm sure we'll be studying that one
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for years to come.
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Speaker 2: And oh, look at this.
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Speaker 1: Ramirez is fleeling. He's hoping for any way out to
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undo the damage that has just been done. He's calling
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for a referee to review that play.
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Speaker 3: The last effort of a desperate man. The refs won't
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find anything. Ramirez can request the referees to draw another
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blood test from Smalls. But that move didn't look like
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the effects of think at all to me. That was
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just pure, simple, peak human performance.
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Speaker 1: Ramirez played well, but he was outclassed by one of
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the greatest players to ever grace these halid halls. And
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it looks like, yes, the referees are going to draw
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more blood. Here comes the official chess Master nurse with
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a fresh needle while they draw blood samples. This might
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be a great time to hear a word from our sponsor.
8:31
Today's tournament coverage is brought to you.
8:33
Speaker 3: By Did you alienate your entire family, drove all your
8:37
friends away with your intolerable behavior? Find that even casual
8:40
acquaintances can't stand to be around you for more than
8:42
a few minutes. Well, who better to put up with
8:44
you than you? With one quick call to clone of
8:47
my own, you can relieve your solitude. But the companion
8:50
who will never leave you because they are you, your clone, Chris, Chris.
9:13
Can you hear me?
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Speaker 2: Chris?
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Speaker 3: It's time to wake up.
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Speaker 1: We're ado, you know, and we're back. It didn't take long,
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but we've already seen a great deal of the unexpected
9:43
here Today, former Grandmaster Flash has yielded his game over
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to Oliver Laplace. Theresa Jones knocked out his opponent Zits Mackenzie.
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Speaker 3: This, of course, disqualifies Jones from the match, as physical
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violence is expressly forbidden in extreme Chess. I think that
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once Zitz wakes up, he will be happy to learn
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that he's won his match by default.
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Speaker 1: On the other side of the extreme Chess Hall. Booger
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Boogerson has just won his game against Kiki the Talking Cat.
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Speaker 3: I find it interesting not only that a talking cat exists,
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but that she is able to play and even progress
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in a chess tournament. I mean, when you really think
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about it, that doesn't make a whole lot.
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Speaker 1: Of hold that thought.
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Speaker 2: Dale.
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Speaker 1: The results of the Small's blood test are in, and
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just as we expect it, they are negative for performance
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enhancing drugs. Honestly, I'm surprised they even wasted a needle
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for this.
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Speaker 3: This is pure speculation on my part, but I have
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to wonder if the refs are airing on the side
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of caution ever since Toblerone's incident. I've got a feeling
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this will go down in extreme chess history as one
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of the worst cheating scandals since the fourteenth Annual Games,
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where contestant Florida Georgia Bama was revealed to actually be
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nothing more than three supercomputers in a trench coat.
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Speaker 1: Let's go live to the floor where Sandy has just
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spoken to the refs. Sandy, do you have any insights?
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You bring up an interesting point. There is that microscopic
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chance that Toblrun's appeal will net him a second chance
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to enter the competition. But an appeal in extreme chess
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is a complicated process, Dale, you spent a few years
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in Extreme Chess law school. That's right, Chris, What can
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you tell us about the appeals process?
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Speaker 3: Well, Once the judges have ruled that a player's blood
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contains evidence of performance enhancers, like think it all, there's
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not much that can be done. In order to initiate
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an appeal. The expelled player must fill out the necessary
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paperwork and have it notarized by all four elders of
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the Extreme Chess International Committee. After this, they must face
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the designated Chess Master Grand Warrior in a one on
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one game.
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Speaker 2: Of speed chess.
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Speaker 3: If successful, they will be granted a meeting with the
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Extreme Chess Appellate High Council. Even then, though, the onus
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is on the player to prove that they ingested the
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drug by accident, or that they were poisoned, or that
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the blood sample was otherwise tainted.
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Speaker 1: Now, what is a likelihood that something like that may
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have Befallen Toblerone, I'd.
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Speaker 3: Say not very likely at all. Blood samples are tested
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immediately by a state of the art piece of equipment
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with practically no room for error, and as we all know,
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the only way to ingest think it all is by
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conjuring the demon Gorseth in a blood ritual involving the
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sacrifice of one's own parents. And our referees literally have
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footage of Tobias slaying the elder mister and Missus Toblerone.
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Speaker 1: The thing some people are willing to do for a
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slight edge in this game is remarkable.
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Speaker 3: Sometimes a slight edge is all you need. And speaking
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of blood and demonic rituals, Table six features one of
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the game's oldest players, Dracula, son of Dracol. I hope
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I'm saying drackel right son said kill cool.
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Speaker 2: I don't know how.
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Speaker 3: To pronounce Romanian, but rakoul Dracula means little dragon. This
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year marks the Dark Lord's seventy ninth attempts to win
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the crown as Extreme Chess Champion. So far, he has
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never made it to the final table. Will this be
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his year? Only time will tell.
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Speaker 1: Dracula's competitor in today's match isn't going to give him
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that chance without a fight. Twenty year old Niqui Valhalla
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has made a name for herself as a conservative late
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game Bloomer, and so far she's taken great advantage of
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Dracula's penchant for sacrificing his own pawns.
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Speaker 2: Are you okay, Chris?
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Speaker 1: Sorry?
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Speaker 2: Dale?
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Speaker 1: What did I just say?
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Speaker 2: Huh? Oh?
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Speaker 3: You were just pointing out Dracula's tendency to sacrifice pawns
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as a weakness that Valhalla is seizing upon.
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Speaker 2: Yeah.
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Speaker 1: That it's just weird, isn't it.
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Speaker 2: What do you mean?
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Speaker 1: I mean, that's a weird thing to say.
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Speaker 3: Well, from a technical point of view, it's not uncommon
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for players to analyze their opponent's moves, and Dracula, no doubt,
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has a long history of prior games to poll plays from.
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I remember in Extreme Chess law school studying his earlier games,
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especially his use of Dracula.
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Speaker 1: Though we're acknowledging that one of the players right now
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is Dracula, the fictional vampire.
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Speaker 3: Well, as we know, Chris, there's no law in the
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Extreme Chess rule book against fictional players competing. In fact,
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if you go back to the eightieth Annual Games, you'll
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remember that the literal Tooth Fairy took Home's second runner
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up in a huge upset to Gastro Sonoma the two
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players were scheduled.
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Speaker 1: To What was that about a talking cat?
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Speaker 2: Chris, we're live right now?
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Speaker 1: What does that mean? Exactly are we? Is this being recorded?
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I don't see any cameras and neither of us have microphones.
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Speaker 3: Well, I think Bishop George Berkeley, father of subjective idealism,
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said it best when he famously penned the expression esa
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est perkippi, roughly translated as to be is to be perceived.
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One interpretation of this philosophy is that existence is subjective
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and dependent upon an audience. In this case, I only
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exist because you are here to witness me in your reality.
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I am, for all intents and purposes, a character and
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a dream. And should you wake up from that dream,
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I would cease to be. But what's even more interesting
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is that Sandy Beaches is now live with Gizmo Tinky Winky,
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who just won his game against Shamus Banana. What let's
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go live to Sandy. Let's go live to Sandy, Chris,
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I need you to let us go live to Sandy.
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I want to know what Gizmo thinks about his meteoric
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rise to fame.
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Speaker 1: But can anyone else not hear Sandy when she speaks
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or Is it just me, Chris?
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Speaker 3: We've been over this one hundred times. You need to
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let go. Okay, We're on day seven of the Extreme
16:10
Chess Annual Tournament. There are a lot of players, a
16:13
lot of people whose very existences are at stake.
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Speaker 1: Well, French mathematician Renee Decarte once said, I think therefore
16:26
I am.
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Speaker 3: That's right, Chris. But Descartes only came to this conclusion
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after falling asleep inside of an oven. That same night,
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he hallucinated a vision of an angel inside of a
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library full of books containing the answers to all of
16:39
life's questions.
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Speaker 2: Is that true? It is?
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Speaker 1: Look it up, all of life's questions, like who are we?
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What are we doing here? Where are we going?
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Speaker 3: We are the announcers for the ninety sixth Annual Extreme
16:56
Chess Championship. We are bringing you the news as it breaks,
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and we are going.
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Speaker 2: Live to Sandy Beach's Sandy, Thank you, Sandy.
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Speaker 3: Now, Chris, what was that you were saying about steep
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competition amongst the players? Maybe something about I don't know
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how Miranda Buttercup, who is currently facing off against Josh Table.
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Speaker 2: Josh Table, Sure, why not?
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Speaker 1: Yes, it seems Buttercup and Table are almost equally matched.
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Table is trying to push Buttercup's defensive line into a
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pinnable position. But Buttercup is the master of the stagger.
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Speaker 2: And what's this?
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Speaker 1: Miranda Buttercup has sacrificed her bishop.
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Speaker 3: That is a classic Buttercup trade off. She may have
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lost a key piece, but it puts her in position
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to attack Table's back line.
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Speaker 1: And just like that, she's got him on the ropes
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Night to see seven check King on the run, Night
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takes Rook.
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Speaker 2: Her investment is already paying dividends.
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Speaker 1: Table attempts to distract from the damage by offering a
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pond trade, but Miranda Buttercup is not one to be distracted.
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She wait, you're just distracting me, aren't you?
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Speaker 2: Dale Again?
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Speaker 3: Chris, we are live, and your continued attempts to break
18:36
continuity threaten the very existence of this universe.
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Speaker 1: What is this universe? Anyways? Seems to me that whatever
18:43
reality there is might be collapsing.
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Speaker 3: That's right, Chris, Reality is collapsing because existence is a concept,
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like time or money. The only thing keeping us afloat
18:55
is this steadily unraveling thread of a narrative. The moment
18:59
you stop announcing all will end. An unfathomable emptiness awaits us,
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a death to our story with it, no more beginning,
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no more middle, no more end game. All that was
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will cease to be forever lost to the abyss of entropy?
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Speaker 1: Is there no hope? What's the point then? Are we
19:20
simply delaying the inevitable? I mean, it's not like we
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can do this forever.
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Speaker 2: Of course, there's always hope. There's always the possibility that
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we will begin again in a fresh new reality. I
19:33
can take us there, but you have to stay with me.
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You have to hold on.
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Speaker 1: How How do we do that?
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Speaker 3: Like this, That's all the time we have for you today,
19:53
a truly mesmerizing moment an extreme chess history. Come back
19:57
tomorrow for Day eight, where one one hundred and twenty
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eight of the world's greatest extreme chess champions will battle
20:03
it out. The competition will be epic, but at the end,
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only one player will take home the crown. Join us
20:10
again tomorrow for Day eight. Please please come back tomorrow,
20:16
Please please please,