Latest / Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud / S2 Ep18: Everybody Loves / Comedy Spin 🤣

Transcript

S2 Ep18: Everybody Loves / Comedy Spin 🤣 · Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_04: I'm gonna tell you something.
• 0:03
  SPEAKER_04: This COVID is supposed to be over.
• 0:07
  SPEAKER_04: But there's always somebody.
• 0:09
  SPEAKER_04: Somebody that has to remind us that something's still coming.
• 0:15
  SPEAKER_04: There's always that one motherfucker with a fucking mask on still.
• 0:23
  SPEAKER_04: Right?
• 0:23
  SPEAKER_04: And they make you feel bad about you breathing.
• 0:27
  SPEAKER_04: And every time I see someone with a mask, I go, what's coming?
• 0:31
  SPEAKER_03: What's coming?
• 0:34
  SPEAKER_04: This is not over.
• 0:37
  SPEAKER_04: Your government is lying to you.
• 0:41
  SPEAKER_04: This pandemic will never end.
• 0:44
  SPEAKER_04: Every time I see someone with a mask, I want to pull it and go, fuck you.
• 0:51
  unknown: Fuck.
• 0:53
  SPEAKER_04: That was still traumatic.
• 0:54
  SPEAKER_04: It's over, but people are still holding on.
• 0:57
  SPEAKER_04: That was some traumatic shit.
• 1:00
  SPEAKER_04: I didn't cough for two years.
• 1:03
  SPEAKER_04: I didn't sneeze for two years.
• 1:05
  SPEAKER_04: I suppressed it.
• 1:06
  SPEAKER_04: Where I stopped.
• 1:09
  SPEAKER_04: Twenty nineteen I was sneezing like a fucking man.
• 1:21
  SPEAKER_04: COVID bitch sneezing.
• 1:31
  SPEAKER_04: Holding my cough.
• 1:42
  SPEAKER_04: COVID 19.
• 1:44
  SPEAKER_04: When they start switching the I remember when they start switching the strains, that's when I knew it was a little fucked up.
• 1:50
  SPEAKER_04: First it was just COVID-19.
• 1:52
  SPEAKER_04: Right?
• 1:53
  SPEAKER_04: Then they went Delta.
• 1:57
  SPEAKER_04: Why fly Delta?
• 1:58
  SPEAKER_00: Fucking Delta.
• 2:01
  SPEAKER_04: Fuck up my miles.
• 2:02
  SPEAKER_04: I'm silver medallion.
• 2:05
  SPEAKER_04: Then it was Omicron.
• 2:07
  SPEAKER_04: I said, oh my god.
• 2:09
  SPEAKER_04: I thought it was a new Transformers movie.
• 2:13
  SPEAKER_04: We have to stop the Omicron.
• 2:16
  SPEAKER_04: The Decepticons have the Omicron.
• 2:19
  SPEAKER_04: Find the cube and the boy.
• 2:23
  SPEAKER_04: Good microphone.
• 2:27
  SPEAKER_04: This is the greatest city on the planet.
• 2:29
  SPEAKER_04: And I'm from Chicago, and this is the greatest city on the planet.
• 2:31
  SPEAKER_04: New York.
• 2:32
  SPEAKER_04: Nothing fucks with New York for real.
• 2:40
  SPEAKER_00: What the what is this?
• 2:42
  SPEAKER_04: X games?
• 2:44
  SPEAKER_04: That's what I love about New York.
• 2:46
  SPEAKER_04: You can make sounds.
• 2:49
  SPEAKER_04: And you get a dollar.
• 2:51
  SPEAKER_04: It's fucking weird.
• 2:53
  SPEAKER_01: Ladies and gentlemen.
• 2:56
  SPEAKER_01: Like, here's a dollar.
• 2:59
  SPEAKER_01: Ladies and gentlemen.
• 3:04
  SPEAKER_04: That's what I love about those fucking panhandlers.
• 3:06
  SPEAKER_04: They all got the voice.
• 3:10
  SPEAKER_04: And these are the women, you know?
• 3:11
  SPEAKER_04: You're like, what the fuck?
• 3:14
  SPEAKER_01: Ladies and gentlemen.
• 3:16
  SPEAKER_04: Come on, they all got the same voice.
• 3:19
  SPEAKER_04: They need that voice.
• 3:20
  SPEAKER_04: How are you gonna get some money?
• 3:21
  SPEAKER_04: You gotta sound as down and out as possible.
• 3:24
  SPEAKER_04: I think they I think they're at home practicing.
• 3:28
  SPEAKER_04: They're like, nah, that wasn't good.
• 3:29
  SPEAKER_04: Let me do it all over.
• 3:33
  SPEAKER_04: Ah, that'll give me some cash, huh?
• 3:37
  SPEAKER_04: Why do they do that voice?
• 3:38
  SPEAKER_04: Because they have to sound down and out.
• 3:40
  SPEAKER_04: How are they gonna get this money from you?
• 3:42
  SPEAKER_04: Huh?
• 3:42
  SPEAKER_04: Money they didn't earn.
• 3:43
  SPEAKER_04: How do I fucking get it?
• 3:45
  SPEAKER_04: The average beggar makes 50 grand a year in New York.
• 3:49
  SPEAKER_04: No tax.
• 3:50
  SPEAKER_04: Did you know that?
• 3:50
  SPEAKER_04: Yeah.
• 3:51
  SPEAKER_04: So they ought to get it.
• 3:53
  SPEAKER_04: How do I get it?
• 3:57
  SPEAKER_04: Would you believe someone if they begged you like this?
• 3:59
  SPEAKER_04: Excuse me, sir.
• 4:02
  SPEAKER_04: Boy, do I need some money?
• 4:05
  SPEAKER_04: Like, you sound employed, motherfucker.
• 4:08
  SPEAKER_04: I swear to God, I've been living in a cardboard box for three weeks.
• 4:14
  SPEAKER_04: That voice is everywhere.
• 4:16
  SPEAKER_04: Every no matter what country you go to, when we perform in Europe, same shit.
• 4:21
  SPEAKER_04: I'm in Paris doing comedy, same shit.
• 4:24
  SPEAKER_02: Excuse-moi.
• 4:26
  SPEAKER_04: Excuse me, that's what I love about New York City.
• 4:38
  SPEAKER_04: My sister lives in Texas.
• 4:40
  SPEAKER_02: She's like, why do you like New York?
• 4:43
  SPEAKER_04: That's all sisters talk.
• 4:47
  SPEAKER_04: You know why I like New York?
• 4:49
  SPEAKER_04: Witnesses.
• 4:50
  SPEAKER_04: That's why.
• 4:51
  SPEAKER_04: You get stabbed in Texas, you're fucking stabbed in Texas, okay?
• 4:56
  SPEAKER_06: Right?
• 4:56
  SPEAKER_06: You're in Texas, you get stabbed.
• 4:58
  SPEAKER_06: Help! I gotta do a Texas accent.
• 5:00
  SPEAKER_06: Help! Help! Help! Dad nam it, I've been stabbed.
• 5:06
  SPEAKER_06: Help! Someone stab me! You don't hear shit, but New York, 5 a.m.
• 5:15
  SPEAKER_04: Get fucking stabbed.
• 5:17
  SPEAKER_04: Right?
• 5:18
  SPEAKER_06: Help! Damn, son! I've been yo B, I've been stabbed!
• 5:24
  SPEAKER_05: I saw the whole thing.
• 5:33
  SPEAKER_04: I'm the one that stabbed you, motherfucker.
• 5:38
  SPEAKER_04: Oh.
• 5:39
  SPEAKER_04: Yes.
• 5:41
  SPEAKER_04: That's what I love.
• 5:42
  SPEAKER_04: That's what I love New York so much.
• 5:43
  SPEAKER_04: Here's the thing, man.
• 5:44
  SPEAKER_04: I live in a house kitchen area, you know.
• 5:47
  SPEAKER_04: And sometimes I go, there's an area called Columbus Circle.
• 5:52
  SPEAKER_04: The Circle of Columbus.
• 5:55
  SPEAKER_04: And sometimes I'll take the train late as fuck.
• 5:57
  SPEAKER_04: You ever take the train late as fuck?
• 6:01
  SPEAKER_04: That's when you're a real New Yorker, take it at 3 a.m.
• 6:05
  SPEAKER_04: Where everybody looks like this.
• 6:09
  SPEAKER_04: And so you gotta be crazy too.
• 6:11
  SPEAKER_04: You gotta be like, you gotta rub yourself too.
• 6:16
  SPEAKER_04: Always do this.
• 6:17
  SPEAKER_04: People leave you alone.
• 6:19
  SPEAKER_04: Your friend's like, what are you doing?
• 6:20
  SPEAKER_04: Just rub, just rub.
• 6:22
  SPEAKER_04: We're trying to survive.
• 6:26
  SPEAKER_04: And what's fucked up, somebody is crazier than you.
• 6:28
  SPEAKER_04: Yeah.
• 6:29
  SPEAKER_04: I'm like, oh shit.
• 6:31
  SPEAKER_04: God damn it, I didn't know he'd pull it out.
• 6:38
  SPEAKER_04: But every time, every time I get off the train like 4 a.m.
• 6:42
  SPEAKER_04: something, I don't know, I don't want to put you all in a category, but white women, listen.
• 6:48
  SPEAKER_04: I'm not even bullshitting.
• 6:49
  SPEAKER_04: You're always, there's always white women jogging in that area.
• 6:53
  SPEAKER_04: Always.
• 6:54
  SPEAKER_04: Right by the dark forest, right there.
• 6:58
  SPEAKER_04: Listen, white women, I care about you.
• 7:01
  SPEAKER_04: But you're not known for your speed.
• 7:05
  SPEAKER_04: I I every time, and I said, let me not put them all in a category, let me not do that.
• 7:10
  SPEAKER_04: So I took the train a couple times.
• 7:12
  SPEAKER_04: And I'd come out at four or five in the morning.
• 7:15
  SPEAKER_02: Another white woman.
• 7:17
  SPEAKER_02: Not a white man, not an Asian, not an African American, not an Indian, nothing.
• 7:23
  SPEAKER_02: White woman.
• 7:25
  SPEAKER_02: What do you think?
• 7:26
  SPEAKER_02: White women at night?
• 7:27
  SPEAKER_02: What do you think?
• 7:30
  SPEAKER_03: I have the whole city to myself.
• 7:36
  SPEAKER_03: This will be a nice time the jog.
• 7:40
  SPEAKER_03: I'll put my noise-canceling headphones on.
• 7:44
  SPEAKER_03: I don't want to hear anybody creeping up on me.
• 7:46
  SPEAKER_03: I don't want to be disturbed.
• 7:49
  SPEAKER_03: I was getting so angry.
• 7:51
  SPEAKER_03: I started chasing them.
• 7:55
  SPEAKER_04: I was like, come here, bitch, where the fuck you going?
• 7:57
  SPEAKER_04: I was like, I'm just kidding.
• 8:00
  SPEAKER_04: Go home.
• 8:01
  SPEAKER_04: I could have got ya.
• 8:13
  SPEAKER_04: I know, it's crazy, huh?
• 8:16
  SPEAKER_04: Yeah, I'm starting to get grumpier.
• 8:17
  SPEAKER_04: You ever wake up older?
• 8:18
  SPEAKER_04: Fuck.
• 8:20
  SPEAKER_04: Right?
• 8:20
  SPEAKER_04: You know, I'm just grumpy as fuck now.
• 8:23
  SPEAKER_04: Not grumpy, I just get tired.
• 8:24
  SPEAKER_04: You just get sick of shit.
• 8:26
  SPEAKER_04: That's when you know you're older.
• 8:27
  SPEAKER_04: You're just sick of shit.
• 8:29
  SPEAKER_04: Right?
• 8:30
  SPEAKER_04: Like the like elevator for I live in a building.
• 8:34
  SPEAKER_04: Listen, don't fucking talk to me.
• 8:36
  SPEAKER_04: Don't fucking talk.
• 8:37
  SPEAKER_04: I don't like elevator talkers.
• 8:39
  SPEAKER_04: Why are you fucking talking to me?
• 8:41
  SPEAKER_04: It's a couple seconds.
• 8:42
  SPEAKER_04: Shut the fuck up.
• 8:44
  SPEAKER_04: You always know the person that's gonna talk to you when they walk in the elevator noisy.
• 8:53
  SPEAKER_04: Time to press five.
• 8:56
  SPEAKER_04: They always give a it's always a weather thing.
• 8:58
  SPEAKER_04: It's a cold one out there, huh?
• 9:01
  SPEAKER_04: And you never answer right.
• 9:02
  SPEAKER_04: Yeah, I'm cold.
• 9:05
  SPEAKER_04: Your man, you're like, fuck! Sounded goofy as shit.
• 9:11
  SPEAKER_04: But I have a plan for that now.
• 9:14
  SPEAKER_04: Oh yeah, I'm prepared.
• 9:15
  SPEAKER_04: It's New York.
• 9:15
  SPEAKER_04: You can do whatever the fuck you want.
• 9:17
  SPEAKER_04: I got something for their asses.
• 9:19
  SPEAKER_04: Whenever you fucking talk to me, oh yeah.
• 9:22
  SPEAKER_04: I've learned being a night owl.
• 9:24
  SPEAKER_04: I learned from the crazies.
• 9:27
  SPEAKER_04: So when someone talks to me, oh boy, it's a hot one out there.
• 9:31
  SPEAKER_04: Oh my balls.
• 9:34
  SPEAKER_04: That's all you gotta do.
• 9:36
  SPEAKER_04: Just stare at them until the elevator opens.
• 9:41
  SPEAKER_04: Fucking talk to me, dude.
• 9:45
  SPEAKER_04: Now listen, as I wrap this symposium up, I don't really give a fuck who you voted for.
• 9:52
  SPEAKER_04: I don't give a fuck.
• 9:53
  SPEAKER_04: You know?
• 9:53
  SPEAKER_04: I do want to give a credit to Luigi Mantioni.
• 9:59
  SPEAKER_04: Good job.
• 10:00
  SPEAKER_04: You know what's funny is nobody was really mad at Luigi, right?
• 10:03
  SPEAKER_05: You notice everyone's like, well, it is what it is.
• 10:07
  SPEAKER_04: I think assassination's a lost art form.
• 10:10
  SPEAKER_04: You know what I mean?
• 10:12
  SPEAKER_04: Gotta bring it back.
• 10:13
  SPEAKER_04: Bring it back, huh?
• 10:15
  SPEAKER_04: The fact that he's Luigi Mangione.
• 10:18
  SPEAKER_04: He's Italian feels like a mob hit, doesn't it?
• 10:21
  SPEAKER_05: Hey Luigi, I need you to do me a favor.
• 10:26
  SPEAKER_05: What do you mean me to do, boss?
• 10:29
  SPEAKER_05: This fucking cocksucker.
• 10:31
  SPEAKER_05: I can't get my fing health insurance.
• 10:34
  SPEAKER_05: Silencer.
• 10:35
  SPEAKER_05: Bada bing, bada boom, and you're f now.
• 10:38
  SPEAKER_05: Alright, boss.
• 10:40
  SPEAKER_04: Love it.
• 10:41
  SPEAKER_04: Assassination.
• 10:42
  SPEAKER_04: A lot of people got assassinated.
• 10:44
  SPEAKER_04: Everybody was getting assassinated back in the day.
• 10:46
  SPEAKER_04: Huh?
• 10:46
  SPEAKER_04: Abraham Lincoln was just trying to watch a play.
• 10:50
  SPEAKER_04: Well, Mio Mai.
• 10:52
  SPEAKER_04: Shut the f up.
• 10:53
  SPEAKER_04: That's how they talked in the 1800s, right?
• 10:56
  SPEAKER_06: I do declare.
• 10:57
  SPEAKER_06: Shut the f up.
• 10:58
  SPEAKER_06: Your big ass hat.
• 11:04
  SPEAKER_04: Everybody was getting shot.
• 11:05
  SPEAKER_04: Gandhi, I'm about to shut the f up, Gandhi.
• 11:08
  SPEAKER_04: Put some clothes on.
• 11:12
  SPEAKER_04: The 60s, everyone was getting shot.
• 11:14
  SPEAKER_04: I believe a f what you believe.
• 11:18
  SPEAKER_06: Ask not what your pff.
• 11:20
  SPEAKER_04: Yo, I don't want to ask shit.
• 11:21
  SPEAKER_04: Where's your brother?
• 11:23
  SPEAKER_04: Kim too.
• 11:25
  SPEAKER_04: Where's the guy that shot your brother?
• 11:27
  SPEAKER_04: Kim 2.
• 11:29
  SPEAKER_04: They just can't seem to get Trump.
• 11:31
  SPEAKER_04: They just can't seem to get Trump.
• 11:34
  SPEAKER_05: Can't seem to get them, right?
• 11:36
  SPEAKER_05: They tried to shoot me.
• 11:37
  SPEAKER_05: I'm so fast.
• 11:39
  SPEAKER_05: I'm so fast.
• 11:41
  SPEAKER_05: I'm so good.
• 11:41
  SPEAKER_05: They tried to kill me, but I'm still here.
• 11:43
  SPEAKER_05: Still here.
• 11:44
  SPEAKER_05: I'm like Keanu Reeves in The Matrix.
• 11:48
  SPEAKER_05: The bullet came, I said, stop.
• 11:52
  SPEAKER_04: Good night, everybody.
• 11:53
  SPEAKER_04: Thank you very much.