Latest / Play Therapy Parenting: Real Parenting Questions Answered by a Child Therapist / S4E16 - Is My Child's School Anxiety a Sign We Should Homeschool?

Transcript

S4E16 - Is My Child's School Anxiety a Sign We Should Homeschool? · Play Therapy Parenting: Real Parenting Questions Answered by a Child Therapist

0:02
You're listening to the Play Therapy Parenting Podcast
0:06
with Dr. Brenna Hicks.
0:09
Hi,
0:09
I'm Dr.
0:10
Brenna Hicks,
0:11
The Kid Counselor.
0:11
This is the Play Therapy Parenting Podcast where
0:14
I answer real parenting questions
0:16
about behavior,
0:17
emotions,
0:17
and the parent-child relationship.
0:19
In today's episode,
0:20
I'm answering a question from Katie,
0:22
and
0:23
I don't know that it was intended to be kind of a two-topic question,
0:27
but I'm interpreting it as such.
0:29
So we're gonna talk a little bit about
0:31
the decision to keep children in traditional school versus home school.
0:36
And then also identifying and addressing anxiety in children.
0:40
So,
0:41
kind of a,
0:42
a twofer on this one,
0:43
and we'll dive into each of those.
0:46
You know,
0:46
it's becoming more and more commonplace for families to choose homeschooling.
0:51
We are a homeschooling family,
0:53
and it's the best decision we've ever made.
0:55
Most of the homeschooling families I know absolutely love it.
0:59
But obviously,
0:59
there are a lot of factors and considerations,
1:01
and then I think one of the reasons why
1:04
Katie,
1:04
you're even asking
1:06
about the idea of homeschooling is because your children are
1:09
experiencing pretty high levels of anxiety regarding traditional school.
1:12
So,
1:13
we'll tackle both and I think it'll be really helpful.
1:15
So,
1:15
let me read parts of the email and then we'll dive in together.
1:19
We have 4 children.
1:20
Our middle daughters,
1:20
ages 7 and 9,
1:22
have had significant struggles with going to school.
1:25
Our 9-year-old has done OK with the start of the school year,
1:27
however,
1:28
is already starting in with the anxious tummy aches,
1:30
none of which for the 3 months of summer break.
1:33
Our 7-year-old has further regressed on transitioning
1:36
into the school building following the summer.
1:39
She looks genuinely terrified,
1:40
cries,
1:41
and refuses to go in.
1:42
They have to pull her away from me and carry her in crying.
1:45
Once in the school,
1:46
she sometimes takes until lunch to join her class.
1:49
I've researched home schooling extensively and gotten myself up to speed to be a
1:53
home educator if we eventually decide that would be the most appropriate path.
1:57
Our plan was to let them enjoy their summer break in
1:59
hopes that a new grade and a new teacher would help,
2:02
but so far we've picked up with the same challenges,
2:04
tummy aches and sheer anxiety and sadness in this new school year.
2:08
In fact,
2:08
our seven year old is struggling more than the end of last year.
2:11
Our middle girls have both had a few months in Title One for reading or math,
2:15
but quickly tested out.
2:17
There's no indication that there may be a learning disability per teachers.
2:20
I'm concerned of them falling.
2:22
I'm concerned of them falling behind
2:25
as they've missed hours of educational instruction.
2:28
I've talked with several home school resources and taken
2:30
a course on setting up our potential home school,
2:33
but I'm on the fence as to where it may lead if we continue down our current path,
2:36
but I'm also not wanting to further enforce any anxieties
2:39
by removing them from public school to trial home school.
2:43
I'm longing to do what's best for my children so that they can thrive while learning,
2:46
but I'm stuck as to what moves to make looking forward.
2:49
OK,
2:50
Katie,
2:50
so
2:51
let's tackle the homeschooling
2:53
component first and then we'll tackle the anxiety next.
2:55
And obviously in this case,
2:57
they're very much related,
2:58
but I wanna look at each one separately.
3:01
So there are a lot of reasons why families choose to homeschool.
3:04
A lot of times it's for convenience.
3:06
A lot of times it's for schedule.
3:07
A lot of times it's for lifestyle.
3:09
You know,
3:09
families that like to travel and vacation
3:11
a lot.
3:12
They prefer home school.
3:14
A lot of work from home parents also prefer school from home.
3:19
A lot of families prefer not to be on the rigidity
3:22
of like a very early wake up time.
3:24
A lot of homeschooling families prefer the fact that instead
3:27
of 8 hours at school in a traditional school environment,
3:31
most kids can get their work done in like 3 to 4.5 hours at home.
3:36
The list goes on and on and on.
3:37
So
3:38
there are certainly a lot of reasons why
3:40
families choose to homeschool.
3:42
Often also it is emotional or behavioral.
3:45
If children are struggling behaviorally in traditional school,
3:48
sometimes it's helpful for them to be at home,
3:51
and then obviously sometimes emotional
3:54
struggles as well,
3:55
and they feel more comfortable or more at ease in the home environment.
3:58
So
3:59
it sounds as though this certainly could be an option.
4:02
I think one of the most helpful components of the consideration.
4:07
Is,
4:08
are we
4:10
Choosing homeschooling
4:12
because it truly is a better fit for your middle daughters,
4:15
or are we choosing homeschooling because we're avoiding
4:18
the
4:19
anxiety-inducing environment?
4:21
And here's what,
4:22
where I'm going with that question.
4:24
One of the things that takes over families.
4:26
We see this all the time,
4:28
clinically,
4:29
you know,
4:29
all of the CCPTs in the world,
4:31
we meet with parents and
4:33
what we find again and again,
4:35
it's a slow fade
4:36
in that
4:38
you have a child that develops anxiety.
4:41
The anxiety continues to get worse.
4:43
The threshold continues to
4:45
get smaller and smaller and smaller,
4:47
and eventually everyone in the family starts conceding and giving in
4:52
and kowtowing and making sure that everything is always OK for the anxious child.
4:57
And what that ends up looking like is
5:00
They really don't even have to do anything they don't want to do anymore
5:03
in an attempt to avoid
5:05
the outcome.
5:06
It's not so much,
5:07
I don't want you to be anxious,
5:09
it's I don't want to deal with the fallout of your anxiety.
5:12
So I don't want you to scream.
5:13
I don't want you to cry.
5:14
I don't want you to cling to me and refuse to walk into school.
5:17
I don't want your teachers to have to deal with the upheaval
5:21
for the 1st 3 hours every day in the classroom.
5:24
So what ends up happening is
5:26
the child gets so overwhelmed with anxiety,
5:29
everyone in their life
5:31
begins to just kind of tiptoe around
5:33
and walk around on eggshells,
5:34
and all decisions are made in light of,
5:37
well,
5:37
we don't want X to happen,
5:39
so we just,
5:40
we'll just avoid that altogether.
5:42
So,
5:42
I guess my first question I think that is helpful for you to consider is
5:47
they've both been in Title One services but tested out,
5:50
but
5:50
there's at least a concern
5:52
that there's some kind of,
5:55
not necessarily learning disability like diagnosable,
5:58
but maybe they need a little bit more time.
6:01
Maybe they need a little bit more explanation.
6:03
Maybe they need
6:05
A quieter environment.
6:06
Like I suspect that there's something there,
6:09
even if it's not fully diagnosable
6:11
learning disability.
6:13
We also have to keep in mind
6:15
that once a child gets in a habit of anxiety,
6:18
that habit will persevere.
6:21
So
6:21
there's lots to think about in terms of is this actually
6:25
something that will be well suited for your middle daughters.
6:28
You mentioned that your oldest and youngest
6:31
love going to traditional school,
6:33
so they seem to be very well suited
6:35
for traditional schooling.
6:36
Maybe your middle two daughters are more well suited for homeschooling,
6:40
but you know your children and you know what's going to be most appropriate for them.
6:44
My concern or caution would be it should not be a decision
6:48
of avoidance.
6:49
It should be a decision of willful choosing.
6:52
Yes,
6:52
I do believe this is going to be most helpful and most beneficial for my girls.
6:57
OK.
6:58
And then the second component
7:00
is
7:01
involving them in the decision.
7:04
At 7 and 9,
7:05
they are still young,
7:06
they still don't have cognitive capacity,
7:09
they still don't have abstract reasoning,
7:11
but this is a decision that is going to affect them.
7:14
It's already affecting them because they don't like going to school every day.
7:18
They have somatic symptoms.
7:20
The oldest,
7:20
you said,
7:21
gets stomach aches.
7:22
That's a somatic reaction to anxiety.
7:24
The body's way of showing how you're feeling.
7:28
The younger one actually cries and clings and refuses to go in.
7:32
OK,
7:33
that's a behavioral response.
7:35
So the oldest is showing emotional response to anxiety.
7:37
The youngest is showing behavioral response to anxiety.
7:40
These are both highly anxious girls.
7:43
And that could have started organically,
7:45
that could have started naturally,
7:47
that could have started at one moment,
7:49
but it now has escalated.
7:51
It now has potentially become
7:53
a habit,
7:53
a pattern,
7:54
something that they just don't even realize.
7:57
And so as that continues,
7:59
they become more and more anxious,
8:01
more and more fearful.
8:02
The somatic
8:04
reactions get bigger,
8:05
the feelings get bigger.
8:07
Then because of the spiral,
8:08
it starts to be a fear the fear scenario.
8:12
So interestingly,
8:13
when highly anxious kids continue to get more anxious,
8:17
And they don't have the tools to
8:18
handle the anxiety.
8:20
It's not only that they don't
8:22
want to do the thing anymore.
8:24
Like,
8:24
OK,
8:24
I'm scared of going to school.
8:26
Subconsciously,
8:26
that's what's going on for whatever reason.
8:28
Is it because
8:30
I feel like I can't
8:31
get straight A's?
8:32
Is it because I feel like no one likes me?
8:34
Is it because I don't like the teacher?
8:35
Is it because I really wish I could be with mom and dad?
8:37
It's an attachment thing.
8:39
There's all kinds of reasons,
8:40
but
8:41
organically,
8:42
both of them at some point,
8:43
for some reason,
8:44
felt scared about going to school.
8:46
So
8:47
at one point it was,
8:48
I fear going to school
8:50
and or I fear
8:52
something related to that.
8:52
I fear not being with mom.
8:54
I eat,
8:55
OK,
8:56
but now I suspect what has happened is they're fearing the fear.
9:00
They hate the feelings that they're feeling.
9:02
They hate the fear itself.
9:03
They hate how upset they get.
9:05
They hate that they don't feel well.
9:07
So now they're fearing the fear which perpetuates the cycle even further.
9:11
So
9:12
I think when we understand this is an anxiety issue.
9:15
Your oldest and youngest clearly are not struggling with school-based anxiety,
9:20
but your middle two are.
9:22
So this is
9:24
a scenario that can go in one of two ways.
9:26
You can either say,
9:27
OK,
9:27
you know what,
9:28
if we recognize this as anxiety,
9:30
it doesn't necessarily mean that they're not well suited for traditional school.
9:35
They're just really anxious about it right now.
9:37
You could put them in child-centered play therapy.
9:39
They could work through their anxiety.
9:42
They could build an emotional vocabulary,
9:44
they could build coping,
9:44
and they could build resilience,
9:46
and then they would be completely content
9:49
to be in a traditional schooling environment,
9:51
potentially.
9:53
Or
9:53
we say,
9:55
maybe they're just wired
9:57
anxiously.
9:59
And maybe
10:00
if we just remove them from the anxiety inducing environment.
10:05
They're going to naturally thrive and love school,
10:07
and it would be more well suited.
10:09
I don't know that I'm leaning one way or the other.
10:11
I think that's a decision that you're going to have to make,
10:14
but they need to be involved in the decision was where I began with all this because
10:17
anxious kids do not like surprises.
10:19
Anxious kids do not like change.
10:22
Anxious kids like predictability
10:24
and constancy,
10:25
and they like to know what's going to happen.
10:27
So any decision
10:29
that is made,
10:30
they need to be involved.
10:31
They need to weigh in.
10:33
They need to share their thoughts,
10:35
and there needs to be some buy-in.
10:37
And so that may look like you sit both of them down.
10:41
And you say something like,
10:43
I've noticed that since school started,
10:45
both of you
10:46
are really not wanting to go to school.
10:49
Older kid,
10:49
you get tummy aches.
10:50
Younger kid,
10:51
you cry and don't wanna go.
10:53
And it's obvious that this is not something that you're enjoying right now.
10:58
So we have a couple of options.
10:59
You can choose to continue to continue to go to regular school.
11:03
And we're going to take you
11:05
to play with somebody.
11:07
As part of you
11:10
continuing with traditional school,
11:12
you get to go and play with somebody each week
11:14
so that there's something fun to look forward to each week.
11:17
Let me be really clear and make sure everyone knows
11:19
I did not say you're going to therapy.
11:21
I did not say you're going to go work on your anxiety.
11:24
I did not say you're going to a feelings
11:26
doctor to help you better understand what's going on.
11:29
Neutrality
11:30
warrants,
11:31
it'll be something that you have to look forward to.
11:33
You get to go have an hour each week where you get to play with somebody.
11:37
And that will be something that is happy each week
11:39
even though school doesn't feel really happy right now.
11:42
OK.
11:43
So,
11:44
you can choose to continue in regular school
11:47
and then you can choose to go and play with someone each week,
11:50
or
11:51
you can choose to not go to regular school anymore
11:54
and you can choose to do school at home with me.
11:58
But choosing to do school at home with me
12:01
means you're choosing not to have friends
12:03
in the school day anymore.
12:05
It means that you're choosing not to
12:08
go to school with your older and younger sibling.
12:11
You're choosing to stay home
12:13
and do school together,
12:14
just the 3 or 4 of us.
12:15
I don't know if your husband would be involved.
12:17
So,
12:18
just the 3 of us
12:19
are going to do school together.
12:22
And you're going to have to present and let them think about it and process it.
12:27
Kids need a long time to make a choice,
12:29
so it's unlikely that they're going to have an immediate answer for you.
12:33
And it's helpful to answer their questions.
12:35
It's helpful to present both sides because there's pros and cons to each.
12:40
You really don't like going to school right now.
12:43
If you chose to go to school at home,
12:46
you would not have to struggle with going to school in the morning.
12:50
But that would mean that you no longer are able to participate in school activities.
12:54
I don't know if they're doing.
12:56
Band or sports or whatever,
12:58
but that is taken away
13:00
unless you participate
13:02
from the home schooling perspective.
13:04
In other words,
13:05
for example,
13:06
our son's a baseball player.
13:08
He tried out for his zoned high school
13:11
and he plays for a high school baseball team as a home school student.
13:16
So there are ways that you can partner with
13:18
your local school.
13:19
There are also hybrid programs
13:22
you can do some in school,
13:23
some at home.
13:24
You can get involved in co-ops where you get together like 12 or 3 days a week
13:28
and they're around other students.
13:30
So there are all kinds of ways to homeschool to
13:33
gear the program for success for each individual child.
13:37
Some kids love being with other kids during school.
13:39
Some kids want to do school by themselves.
13:41
Some kids want to play sports.
13:42
Some kids want to do music and art.
13:44
You can take specific classes
13:46
at the school as well.
13:47
Like you can just do a music class or just do an art class.
13:51
So all of that is an option.
13:53
But it's gonna be really important that the that both of your girls
13:57
are able to weigh in
13:58
and it's helpful for you to present both sides
14:01
because there's
14:03
for sure
14:04
pros and cons to each.
14:06
And
14:07
it doesn't even have to be a permanent thing.
14:10
That's another component.
14:11
You know,
14:11
you could say if they're 7 and 9,
14:13
I suspect maybe they're 2nd and 4th grade.
14:16
So you might say,
14:17
at least for this school year.
14:21
These are the choices.
14:23
And then if,
14:24
you know,
14:24
5th and 3rd grade come around
14:26
and they are excited to go back to school and they
14:28
don't have anxiety anymore and they're ready to do traditional schooling,
14:33
they could always re-enroll in the school.
14:36
So
14:36
that would be how I would handle that,
14:38
Katie.
14:38
I hope that's helpful.
14:40
You know,
14:40
I think that you're
14:41
worried
14:42
that this may somehow
14:44
be detrimental to them
14:47
as long as they know and are involved in the deciding of the whole process,
14:52
it's not going to create any more anxiety than they're already feeling.
14:56
So,
14:57
communication is gonna be the crucial component and recognizing
15:00
what it stems from,
15:01
which is anxiety.
15:03
So,
15:03
tackling the anxiety
15:05
and tackling them being involved in the decision
15:08
is going to be the most helpful strategy.
15:10
So thanks,
15:11
Katie for the email.
15:12
I appreciate it.
15:12
If you all wanna reach out,
15:13
I'd love to hear from you,
15:14
brenna@thekidcounselor.com.
15:16
I love you all.
15:17
Keep loving on your kids.
15:18
We'll talk again soon.
15:19
Bye.
15:20
Thank you for listening to the Play Therapy Parenting Podcast with Dr.
15:25
Brenna Hicks.
15:26
For more episodes and just subscribe to our newsletter,
15:29
please go to www.playtherapyparenting.com.