Latest / The Post-Separation Abuse Podcast / 11. Dispelling the myth of shared blame in high-conflict separation & divorce

Transcript

11. Dispelling the myth of shared blame in high-conflict separation & divorce · The Post-Separation Abuse Podcast

• 0:00
  Speaker 1: Hi everyone.
• 0:01
  Speaker 1: Today I'd like to talk about the reality of high conflict, separation, divorce and co-parenting, and whether or not being in the middle of a high conflict situation is even a choice that you get to make.
• 0:14
  Speaker 1: I think there's a lot of confusion around this.
• 0:18
  Speaker 1: I think there's a really big misconception that a high conflict situation is something in which both people are behaving in a conflictual way, or both people are adding to the conflict, and that both people want the situation to be conflictual, that both people want to be engaging with lawyers and going down the court path, and that's a myth that I think we need to blow out of the water and call it out really, for the bullshit that it is.
• 0:52
  Speaker 1: None of the women that I work with want to be stuck in the middle of a high conflict situation.
• 1:00
  Speaker 1: None of the women that I work with want to be pursuing things in the court system.
• 1:07
  Speaker 1: In fact, for the majority of my clients who are in the court system, they are the respondent, so what that means is that their ex is the applicant, so their ex-partner is the one who has initiated proceedings in court, and this is specifically with my clients to do with parenting matters.
• 1:28
  Speaker 1: It's a big myth, it's a big misconception that in a high conflict situation, both people are high conflict.
• 1:37
  Speaker 1: Absolutely not true and it's a total myth that if you have a high conflict ex, it is a myth that you can just simply choose to go about things in a low conflict way and that things will be smooth sailing.
• 1:53
  Speaker 1: It's so important that we have this conversation because there are so many women in particular in the community who are blamed essentially for what's going on in their high conflict separation, divorce or co-parenting situation, when they are not the ones who are initiating the conflict and they are not the ones who are contributing to the conflict.
• 2:16
  Speaker 1: They're not the ones that are keeping the conflict going.
• 2:19
  Speaker 1: Rather, many women who find themselves in a high conflict situation are dealing with ongoing post separation abuse and the need to protect their children from the behaviour of their controlling and abusive ex-partner.
• 2:33
  Speaker 1: This idea that you get to simply choose to have a low conflict or amicable divorce is total nonsense and it's absolutely not okay that we leave victim survivors feeling that their situation could just be so much less conflictual, so much more amicable if only they did XYZ.
• 3:01
  Speaker 1: It's so harmful to victim survivors and it's yet just one more way in which victim survivors, usually women, are being blamed for the controlling and the abusive behaviour of their ex-partner.
• 3:17
  Speaker 1: I'm sick of the victim blaming, whether it's for what's going on within the relationship or after separation.
• 3:24
  Speaker 1: We need to stop blaming victims for the behaviour of perpetrators.
• 3:29
  Speaker 1: We need to stop blaming women when a separation or divorce situation becomes a high conflict situation.
• 3:37
  Speaker 1: And we need to be aware that family violence doesn't stop just because the relationship ends.
• 3:45
  Speaker 1: Coercive control continues.
• 3:47
  Speaker 1: Family violence morphs into post-separation abuse.
• 3:51
  Speaker 1: It does not go away because a couple is no longer in a relationship, because they're no longer under the one roof.
• 3:59
  Speaker 1: These behaviours continue.
• 4:01
  Speaker 1: This dynamic continues and I'll be exploring this in other episodes down the track in terms of what's actually driving abusive behaviour.
• 4:10
  Speaker 1: What drives family violence?
• 4:13
  Speaker 1: Why is a man behaving that way?
• 4:16
  Speaker 1: This is the sort of stuff that needs to be unpacked and that more professionals need to understand so that they can better recognise the fact that the dynamics of a problematic relationship, of a controlling or an abusive relationship, are not because the couple just doesn't get along that well, it's not because she pushes his buttons.
• 4:37
  Speaker 1: There's a lot more going on underneath the surface.
• 4:41
  Speaker 1: There's a lot more that's underpinning his behaviour, choices, and it's not her fault, whether we're talking about again within the relationship or when the relationship ends.
• 4:52
  Speaker 1: If things are high conflict after separation, it is not her fault.
• 4:56
  Speaker 1: It is not something that she has an opportunity to control, because, as someone who's experienced a high conflict, separation, divorce and co-parenting situation, let me tell you that this is not something that anybody would choose.
• 5:11
  Speaker 1: Before anyone's able to work with me, either in a one-on-one capacity or via my group membership, they first need to book a discovery call with me.
• 5:21
  Speaker 1: Now, a discovery call is free, it goes for around 30 minutes and it's an opportunity for me and for the woman who's booked the call to have a chat, for us to learn a bit more about what's going on and for me to more accurately assess whether or not my services will be the right fit and whether or not, even just in terms of our personalities.
• 5:44
  Speaker 1: If we're the right fit, if we both feel comfortable at the end of that call that my services are the right fit, I'll extend a coaching invitation to that particular person.
• 5:55
  Speaker 1: Now, the reason that I'm mentioning the discovery calls here in this episode is because almost every single woman that I speak to want a discovery call talks to me about the fact that she wants her separation or divorce experience to be amicable.
• 6:14
  Speaker 1: She doesn't want it to be highly conflictual, she just wants to be able to come to some kind of reasonable agreement with her ex-partner.
• 6:25
  Speaker 1: But most of my clients have also experienced some form of family violence and some form of ongoing post-separation abuse.
• 6:35
  Speaker 1: The reality is that when the person that you're separating from has high conflict personality traits, when they have a history of controlling behavior, when they have a history of being abusive in other ways, the likelihood of you being able to navigate separation and divorce amicably or with low levels of conflict is highly unlikely.
• 7:00
  Speaker 1: No matter what it is that you yourself do.
• 7:03
  Speaker 1: You can't have a low conflict or no conflict situation simply by not wanting there to be a high conflict situation.
• 7:13
  Speaker 1: It just doesn't work like that.
• 7:15
  Speaker 1: So please don't buy into the idea or the notion that you can create a low conflict or no conflict situation simply by wanting that to be the case, because you can't.
• 7:31
  Speaker 1: The reason that you can't just simply choose that for yourself is because you can't choose the behavior of other people.
• 7:38
  Speaker 1: If you're separating from a controlling person, an abusive person, someone who has traits consistent with one or more personality disorders, potentially that person is going to continue to behave in a controlling, abusive, highly conflictual way and you're going to need to navigate and manage that and manage the way in which you respond.
• 8:03
  Speaker 1: And oftentimes, after separation, when there has been those dynamics of control of other forms of abuse, oftentimes after separation the dynamics in terms of behavior and communication between a separated couple are very, very similar to what they were within the relationship.
• 8:22
  Speaker 1: So if you've had a tendency to walk on eggshells, for example, to just simply acquiesce to demands, to give in to those demands to try and keep your ex happy, that tends to be what plays out even after separation and that's understandable because you've developed a way of coping, a way of managing that behavior.
• 8:45
  Speaker 1: It's kept you safe and potentially also kept your children safe if you share children with that person.
• 8:50
  Speaker 1: It may have reduced the conflict at times during the relationship and it's become a habit.
• 8:57
  Speaker 1: It's just simply how you relate now to your ex partner, even though you're no longer in a relationship, even though you may no longer be living under the one roof.
• 9:08
  Speaker 1: Now, this is something that a professional who specializes in amicable or low conflict situations this is not necessarily going to be the best professional to support you.
• 9:20
  Speaker 1: In fact, I will go so far as to say that they are not the best professional to support you.
• 9:26
  Speaker 1: Unfortunately, some of the women that I work with, both currently and past clients, came to me after they had already been working with other professionals who specialize in a more low conflict approach and the advice that they had been given was bad.
• 9:45
  Speaker 1: There's just no other way to say it.
• 9:47
  Speaker 1: They were encouraged, even by the professional person, to continually acquiesce to demands with the purpose of reducing the conflict.
• 9:57
  Speaker 1: Now, the one way to guarantee that you have a lower conflict situation, even if your ex is a high conflict person, is to give in to every single one of their demands.
• 10:09
  Speaker 1: The problem with that is that you are going to seriously undermine the outcome for yourself and also for your children if you share children with that person.
• 10:20
  Speaker 1: Unfortunately, controlling people, abusive people, high conflict people their behavior doesn't improve when you acquiesce to them.
• 10:28
  Speaker 1: It doesn't improve when you continually give in to their demands.
• 10:31
  Speaker 1: They don't become calm and reasonable.
• 10:33
  Speaker 1: The ongoing behavior patterns, the enduring behavior patterns, are a reflection of their personality.
• 10:40
  Speaker 1: It's a reflection of their values, their beliefs, their attitudes.
• 10:43
  Speaker 1: Those things are not going to change.
• 10:46
  Speaker 1: So giving in, you know when.
• 10:48
  Speaker 1: That is the approach.
• 10:50
  Speaker 1: That's an endless approach.
• 10:52
  Speaker 1: That just I mean.
• 10:54
  Speaker 1: If that's the strategy you're using, you need to be prepared to be doing that forever, because giving in to someone who's controlling and abusive really over time only makes them bolder.
• 11:05
  Speaker 1: It doesn't actually improve their behavior, and if you share children with someone who behaves this way, it then is not only impacting your life when you're continually giving in to their demands, but it also negatively impacts the lives of your children.
• 11:23
  Speaker 1: An amicable or low conflict separation is not something that you just get to choose, irrespective of the behaviour and the personality of the person that you're separating from.
• 11:34
  Speaker 1: This is something that you're navigating being swept up in the high conflict drama, having people mistakenly thinking that you are part of the problem, that you are contributing to the conflict, that you just need to commit to things being amicable or low conflict, regardless of what it is that you're dealing with, please know it is not your job to convince the people in your world that you're not the problem.
• 12:02
  Speaker 1: It's not your job to convince them.
• 12:04
  Speaker 1: There are definitely things that can be done to help educate your lawyer, for example, about the dynamic that you're experiencing, but if you have other people in your world who are thinking that you're part of the problem, or even the whole problem.
• 12:17
  Speaker 1: Please don't waste your time trying to convince them.
• 12:20
  Speaker 1: Instead, be a lot more choosy with who you're spending time with.
• 12:25
  Speaker 1: Choose wisely.
• 12:26
  Speaker 1: Surround yourself with people who get it.
• 12:29
  Speaker 1: Choose carefully the people who are on your team.
• 12:32
  Speaker 1: Choose carefully who you have in your corner.
• 12:35
  Speaker 1: This is one of the reasons why I've created a group membership program so that women who are navigating a similar situation, who are dealing with similar things from high conflict ex-partners so that we can come together, because it's an amazing experience when you're able to have a conversation with other women who get it, who get it, without you having to explain anything.
• 13:01
  Speaker 1: They get it and they know that it is not your fault If you're experiencing a high conflict situation, when you'd much prefer that it's not high conflict.
• 13:11
  Speaker 1: I see you, I hear you and I'm here to support you if you need me, I'll talk to you soon.