Latest / LAUNCH: Parenting Tips for Raising Adult Children & Building Better Relationships / #73: The Seven Deadliest Sins of Parenting an Adult Child

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#73: The Seven Deadliest Sins of Parenting an Adult Child · LAUNCH: Parenting Tips for Raising Adult Children & Building Better Relationships

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: I'm Sherry Jonas, and this is Launch, a podcast for parents with older kids in their 20s and 30s who are struggling to launch into adulthood.
• 0:09
  SPEAKER_00: And by that I mean they are barely working, not studying, not contributing to any household responsibilities, and basically every aspect of their lives is at a complete standstill.
• 0:22
  SPEAKER_00: Home is their hideout, their solitary confinement from the outside world.
• 0:27
  SPEAKER_00: They might be addicted to online gaming or they doom scroll on social media.
• 0:32
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe they have a drug or alcohol problem or debilitating anxiety and bouts of depression, but for sure they feel so behind, so judged, so insecure, and so afraid to fail.
• 0:45
  SPEAKER_00: It's as if they've given up.
• 0:48
  SPEAKER_00: But you, you refuse to, and that's why you're listening to launch.
• 0:54
  SPEAKER_00: So thank you.
• 0:55
  SPEAKER_00: I appreciate you being here.
• 0:58
  SPEAKER_00: Today's episode is just me doing a mini rant on a topic that I think is so important that I wrote about it in Launch Advice, my newsletter, and I posted a video on it on social media.
• 1:10
  SPEAKER_00: It's called The Seven Deadliest Sins of Parenting an Adult Child.
• 1:16
  SPEAKER_00: Now, before I get started, I want to offer you some comforting words.
• 1:20
  SPEAKER_00: Wherever you're listening to this, maybe in your car, on a walk, or sitting in a comfy chair, my guess is you might be feeling very alone with your problems.
• 1:32
  SPEAKER_00: But you are not.
• 1:34
  SPEAKER_00: It's shocking how many parents are going through the exact same thing with their young adults.
• 1:41
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not joking when I say this is an epidemic.
• 1:45
  SPEAKER_00: And it's not just happening in the US and Canada, it's worldwide.
• 1:49
  SPEAKER_00: I know this because the listeners on this podcast are currently spanning 36 countries.
• 1:58
  SPEAKER_00: So no, my friend, this is not just a you problem.
• 2:02
  SPEAKER_00: What's also remarkable is how similar these kids are.
• 2:06
  SPEAKER_00: In fact, here's what I would love to say to them if I can get them all in a room or more like a stadium.
• 2:14
  SPEAKER_00: Enough is enough.
• 2:16
  SPEAKER_00: Stop your escaping, denying, blaming, comparing, self-sabotaging, self-deprecating, isolating pity party, and your gaming, scrolling, and weed smoking.
• 2:32
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, maybe I'm overgeneralizing there.
• 2:34
  SPEAKER_00: Stop believing that you don't matter, you're not worthy, or you're too late or too old, or thinking that you're okay and you just want to be left alone to waste away in your bedroom.
• 2:47
  SPEAKER_00: We see you.
• 2:49
  SPEAKER_00: We know you have potential, and we're not gonna let you do this to yourself any longer.
• 2:56
  SPEAKER_00: That's what I would love to say to every young adult who is struggling.
• 3:00
  SPEAKER_00: Now, if that doesn't apply to yours, then maybe you do have a unique situation.
• 3:05
  SPEAKER_00: But the young adults that I'm referring to and speaking to really need to hear these words.
• 3:11
  SPEAKER_00: The truth is, though, these kids are so fragile right now that I have to tread very carefully with my tough love approach.
• 3:20
  SPEAKER_00: But we know that we can't let them swim in those murky waters of self-loathing and quietly quitting life anymore.
• 3:29
  SPEAKER_00: So let's get into this episode.
• 3:31
  SPEAKER_00: And here's the takeaway.
• 3:33
  SPEAKER_00: If you see yourself doing any of these behaviors, which I'm calling the seven deadliest sins of parenting, I want you to believe that you can actually stop doing each of them.
• 3:46
  SPEAKER_00: It's not too late.
• 3:48
  SPEAKER_00: Now it won't happen all at once, but over time, making these changes will greatly impact your adult's future.
• 3:57
  SPEAKER_00: But that's not enough.
• 3:59
  SPEAKER_00: You also need to get real serious about what you will not tolerate anymore.
• 4:06
  SPEAKER_00: Here's some tough love for you.
• 4:07
  SPEAKER_00: Let's see if you can handle it.
• 4:09
  SPEAKER_00: Nothing is ever going to change in your home and with your adult unless you change.
• 4:16
  SPEAKER_00: If you give up, and there are plenty of parents who do, take a snapshot of your life right now, because it will look exactly the same in one year, and you will have no one to blame but yourself.
• 4:32
  SPEAKER_00: Hello?
• 4:33
  SPEAKER_00: Is anybody there?
• 4:35
  SPEAKER_00: It's a funny thing about a podcast.
• 4:37
  SPEAKER_00: You could have all pressed the stop button.
• 4:39
  SPEAKER_00: I would never know you've left.
• 4:41
  SPEAKER_00: So if you haven't and you're still listening, I think you have this in you to do it.
• 4:47
  SPEAKER_00: Ready for the seven deadliest sins?
• 4:50
  SPEAKER_00: Number one, parents who do everything.
• 4:53
  SPEAKER_00: You're not running a hotel.
• 4:56
  SPEAKER_00: Your adult child is not a guest, and the worst part of overnurturing and overdoing is that you're robbing them of their independence.
• 5:05
  SPEAKER_00: You think it's love, but it's actually stifling and enabling.
• 5:10
  SPEAKER_00: There is no better way to perpetuate failing to launch into adulthood than by doing everything for them.
• 5:18
  SPEAKER_00: These kids are not prepared for life.
• 5:21
  SPEAKER_00: Well, not yet at least.
• 5:24
  SPEAKER_00: Number two, parents who ask for no contribution.
• 5:29
  SPEAKER_00: Living rent-free with a fully stocked fridge and zero responsibilities sends one message.
• 5:36
  SPEAKER_00: You can stay at home forever and never grow up.
• 5:40
  SPEAKER_00: Even a small contribution, anything from rent money and paying for some groceries to participating in household chores on a regular basis, teaches them about real life because there are no free lunches.
• 5:56
  SPEAKER_00: Everyone must contribute.
• 5:58
  SPEAKER_00: In the real world, it's give and take, not just take and take and take.
• 6:05
  SPEAKER_00: Number three, enabling financial dependence.
• 6:09
  SPEAKER_00: Covering all their bills when they were too young to work was the only time parents should have been paying for everything.
• 6:17
  SPEAKER_00: But if you continue doing that once they were able to get a job, no brownie points for you, there's no excuse for a young adult to not work, even part-time during school.
• 6:29
  SPEAKER_00: And if you're still paying for everything, you're keeping them financially ignorant and very sheltered.
• 6:36
  SPEAKER_00: Earning their own money and paying bills is adulting 101.
• 6:42
  SPEAKER_00: It costs money to live.
• 6:44
  SPEAKER_00: Number four, never talking openly or about their future.
• 6:50
  SPEAKER_00: These kids are living one day at a time in a bubble.
• 6:54
  SPEAKER_00: No plans, no goals, no deadlines.
• 6:58
  SPEAKER_00: When you have nothing to look forward to, weeks and months turn into years.
• 7:04
  SPEAKER_00: So it's time to start talking to them about their future.
• 7:07
  SPEAKER_00: And I mean literally scheduling time with them to have these conversations.
• 7:12
  SPEAKER_00: You need to set dates.
• 7:14
  SPEAKER_00: Dates for what you ask?
• 7:16
  SPEAKER_00: Exactly.
• 7:18
  SPEAKER_00: Say to them, we need to create a plan for the future, yours and mine.
• 7:24
  SPEAKER_00: Where do you want to be in six months from now or a year?
• 7:28
  SPEAKER_00: And then wait for an answer.
• 7:31
  SPEAKER_00: And you can tell them, I don't know, doesn't count.
• 7:35
  SPEAKER_00: Say to them, think about where you want to be.
• 7:39
  SPEAKER_00: And here's why.
• 7:41
  SPEAKER_00: Living at home is not forever.
• 7:44
  SPEAKER_00: Because we aren't.
• 7:46
  SPEAKER_00: If the idea of doing this makes you uncomfortable, I get it.
• 7:51
  SPEAKER_00: I know how hard it is for many parents to communicate with their adult children.
• 7:56
  SPEAKER_00: It's the first thing I talk about in my course.
• 7:59
  SPEAKER_00: But having regular conversations is much better than staying quiet, stewing, and then exploding saying the most vile and hurtful things to them.
• 8:10
  SPEAKER_00: It's the absence of healthy, frequent conversations that is the root of almost every sin on this list.
• 8:17
  SPEAKER_00: You're going to have to learn how to communicate with your adult.
• 8:20
  SPEAKER_00: I can't tell you how often I've provided parents with scripts on what to say, so much so that I have at least four resources that I've included in my course just on scripts alone, what to say, what not to say, how to say it, and so on.
• 8:38
  SPEAKER_00: Now, if you want to purchase them alone and not take the course, I am preparing to sell them on their own.
• 8:45
  SPEAKER_00: We're in the midst of getting them ready, so you can put yourself on the wait list.
• 8:49
  SPEAKER_00: If you're interested, the link is parentingfx.com forward slash launch scripts.
• 8:57
  SPEAKER_00: Now don't pull over to write that down.
• 9:00
  SPEAKER_00: Email me and I'll send you the link.
• 9:02
  SPEAKER_00: Number five, having no boundaries or consequences.
• 9:07
  SPEAKER_00: Like money, consequences are a part of life.
• 9:10
  SPEAKER_00: If you don't treat your body well, if you don't keep your mind healthy, if you disrespect friends and family, if you show up late to work, if you don't pay your bills, if you speed, if you steal, the list of consequences is endless.
• 9:26
  SPEAKER_00: So why are there no consequences to your adults' actions or inactions at home?
• 9:32
  SPEAKER_00: What are the lessons there?
• 9:34
  SPEAKER_00: And boundaries are just as important.
• 9:36
  SPEAKER_00: You need to let them know what you will not tolerate any longer.
• 9:42
  SPEAKER_00: By the way, I should mention that if you haven't watched my or listened, watched whatever, my free masterclass on the secrets of a successful living together agreement, it's still available.
• 9:54
  SPEAKER_00: But I'll just say this.
• 9:56
  SPEAKER_00: If your adult has no consequences and you have not set boundaries, that's the first place I'd start making changes.
• 10:04
  SPEAKER_00: And if one more parent says to me, I can't force them or they won't listen, you need to put on your big girl or big boy pants and realize you can.
• 10:15
  SPEAKER_00: You have all the power and influence.
• 10:18
  SPEAKER_00: You just forgot how to use it.
• 10:20
  SPEAKER_00: Number six, bailing them out.
• 10:24
  SPEAKER_00: Every time you rescued them from an uncomfortable situation, you took away a perfect opportunity to teach them an important life lesson.
• 10:33
  SPEAKER_00: You know, the greatest motivator in life is being uncomfortable.
• 10:39
  SPEAKER_00: That's how we all learn.
• 10:40
  SPEAKER_00: It's just how things work.
• 10:43
  SPEAKER_00: When we experience failure or discomfort, we stop being so fragile and helpless.
• 10:49
  SPEAKER_00: That's the only way to develop resilience.
• 10:52
  SPEAKER_00: Life feels hard and scary for your adult right now because they've been sitting on the sidelines for so long.
• 11:00
  SPEAKER_00: You know those guardrails that they put up in bowling alleys when little kids are playing?
• 11:05
  SPEAKER_00: It's time you take them away.
• 11:08
  SPEAKER_00: Finally, is number seven.
• 11:10
  SPEAKER_00: Now, this might be the most heartbreaking sin on the list.
• 11:14
  SPEAKER_00: It's letting them waste their life.
• 11:17
  SPEAKER_00: Now I know this was never your plan.
• 11:19
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe they moved back home during COVID or after college.
• 11:23
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe they didn't know what they wanted to do when high school ended.
• 11:26
  SPEAKER_00: Perhaps they had a setback, a job loss, a breakup, a rough patch mentally.
• 11:32
  SPEAKER_00: But you've given them enough time and space to get back on their feet, to figure things out, to even get help.
• 11:41
  SPEAKER_00: It's time now to move forward, but not without you.
• 11:47
  SPEAKER_00: One parent recently said to me, I had no idea this stage would be so hard.
• 11:52
  SPEAKER_00: To which I replied, I think it's harder to watch them waste their life.
• 11:57
  SPEAKER_00: One last thought.
• 11:59
  SPEAKER_00: All of these so-called sins came from loving them.
• 12:04
  SPEAKER_00: But love alone can't prepare your adult for the real world.
• 12:08
  SPEAKER_00: Every one of these sins has a virtue on the other side.
• 12:13
  SPEAKER_00: Something really good is waiting.
• 12:17
  SPEAKER_00: The same love that got them here, wherever they are right now, can get them to a better place.
• 12:25
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, I'm wrapping this up with a bow.
• 12:28
  SPEAKER_00: And hopefully you'll take some time to unpack everything I just said.
• 12:33
  SPEAKER_00: Think about your next steps.
• 12:36
  SPEAKER_00: You need a plan.
• 12:37
  SPEAKER_00: No more tiptoeing around, turning a blind eye, giving up.
• 12:43
  SPEAKER_00: Just get on board.
• 12:45
  SPEAKER_00: If you're still not sure about me or this process, watch my free masterclass.
• 12:50
  SPEAKER_00: Or if you're ready, take my parenting course.
• 12:54
  SPEAKER_00: I hang out a lot in that private parent community.
• 12:58
  SPEAKER_00: Whatever you choose to do, my friend, make a commitment to your adult child who's in their room right now and has been there far too long.
• 13:09
  SPEAKER_00: All the links I talked about are available in this episode's show notes.
• 13:14
  SPEAKER_00: Now, if you're not familiar with how to locate them, because we're the same age, just go to parentingfx.com.
• 13:22
  SPEAKER_00: That's parentingfxthetters.com.
• 13:25
  SPEAKER_00: Look at the tabs on the top of the page, and you'll see parenting course, masterclass.
• 13:31
  SPEAKER_00: In fact, if you scroll to the bottom of the page, there's a failure to launch checklist and a 15 minute consultation with me.
• 13:39
  SPEAKER_00: Just look under free resources.
• 13:43
  SPEAKER_00: As always, thank you for listening.
• 13:46
  SPEAKER_00: Remember to hit the follow button so you never miss an episode.
• 13:49
  SPEAKER_00: And please share this with someone who needs to hear it.
• 13:52
  SPEAKER_00: I'm Sherry Jonas, and this is Launch.