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What To Do When You're Struggling With NO CONTACT with a narcissist · The Mental Healness Podcast

• 0:00
  So what should you do when you are struggling to stay no
• 0:04
  contact with your narcissistic partner or ex or whoever it is
• 0:07
  you're dealing with? What should you do?
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  How should you handle that? That's what we're talking about
• 0:13
  today, y'all. Of course, if you're new here,
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  my name is Lee Hammock. I'm a diagnosed narcissist here
• 0:16
  to give you the inside look at the mind of a of a narcissist.
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  And yeah, let's keep it hiding ready.
• 0:23
  Going no contact with a narcissist or toxic person is
• 0:26
  not an easy endeavor. I know there are a lot of people
• 0:30
  out there who who would try to make it seem like it's easy,
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  right? They will tell you that it
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  should be easy. They will say, hey, look, you
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  should be able to go no contact with your partner or whatever
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  your parent, whoever this is, you should be able to go no
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  contact with little to no effort, right?
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  That's what they make it seem like you should be no contact
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  right now. But as we all know, going no
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  contact is very tough to do because that means not talking
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  to this person, not being around this person, not looking at
• 1:00
  their social medias, no involvement with this person
• 1:03
  whatsoever in order to help you heal.
• 1:06
  And that's tough, especially if you had spent any amount of time
• 1:10
  with this person, any good amount of time with this person,
• 1:12
  any four 5-10 years, somebody that you were planning your
• 1:16
  future with. Now you can never talk to again.
• 1:18
  Now you can never see again. Now you can never communicate
• 1:21
  with again because you you're trying to heal from this person.
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  What sense does that make right? And that's what so many people
• 1:28
  are struggling with right there. So it makes sense to, it makes
• 1:34
  sense to miss the person. Y'all, let's keep it, let's keep
• 1:37
  it real. One of the main things that you
• 1:39
  needed to do when you're struggling with no contact is be
• 1:42
  nice to yourself. I said this in my support group.
• 1:48
  I said be as nice and forgiving to yourself as you once were to
• 1:52
  that narcissistic person, right? You can find
• 1:55
  mysupportgroupmycoachingmycourses@mentalillness.net description of every video and
• 2:00
  podcast. But yeah, yeah, be as nice and
• 2:03
  kind and generous to yourself as you were to them.
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  Doesn't that make sense? Like you have to be nice to
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  yourself. You have to be forgiving to
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  yourself. You have to be kind to yourself.
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  You were kind to them, weren't you?
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  Not you were. You were forgiving to them
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  probably when you shouldn't have been, were you not?
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  Why can't you forgive you? Why can't you be nice to you?
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  Why can't you? Those are questions that need to
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  be answered. Those are questions that you
• 2:35
  have to answer in order to heal, in order to progress, and in
• 2:38
  order to move forward. This is a requirement to answer
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  those questions right there. You have to ask yourself, why
• 2:45
  can't I move forward? Like why?
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  Why? Why can't I forgive myself for
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  what happened? Why can't I forgive myself for
• 2:51
  going back or returning to whatever the case may be?
• 2:54
  You have to be able to do that. So one thing you need to do when
• 2:58
  you're struggling with no contact is be nice to yourself.
• 3:00
  Like, damn, you know what? I've made it this far, right?
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  I didn't think that I would make it this far.
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  I made it this far. I didn't think that I would ever
• 3:08
  leave. I left.
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  I didn't think that I would ever not be able to look at their
• 3:12
  stuff and look at me. Look at me right?
• 3:17
  This is why it's so damn important for y'all who are out
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  there dealing with a narcissist, dealing with an abusive person,
• 3:23
  dealing with a manipulator to just forgive yourself.
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  Be nice to yo, you deserve some niceness in your life and you
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  deserve some niceness from you especially.
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  This is what like so many people struggle with this right here,
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  right? This is why so many people are
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  battling like it's OK to be nice to you.
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  Go treat yourself. Go do something to yourself.
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  Look in the mirror like this. This is the mirror right here.
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  Y'all, I forgive you. I forgive me.
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  I struggled. I survived.
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  I thrived. That's what you need to do right
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  there, y'all. That's one thing you need to do
• 4:01
  when you're struggling with no contact because it's y'all.
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  It it's it's going to like if it's tough right now, it might
• 4:07
  get a little tougher. And Lee, it's going to be Lee.
• 4:09
  It's going to get tougher. What the hell?
• 4:11
  Yeah, it might get a little tougher.
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  I know people don't want to hear that, but it very well might get
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  a little tough. It might get tougher if y'all,
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  it's OK. Another thing that you need to
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  do if you're struggling with no contact is to absolutely y'all
• 4:28
  understand that it's OK to miss them.
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  Why so many people beat themselves up, Lee?
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  Why do I miss this person that did me so wrong?
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  Why do I miss the person that treated me so badly?
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  Because you, you are planning on sharing a life with this person.
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  Maybe you have kids with this person.
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  Maybe y'all have businesses, maybe y'all work together.
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  Maybe your families have been intertwined for years, right?
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  Y'all families have been intertwined for 20-30, forty
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  years. Maybe that's part of it right
• 5:00
  there. You know what I mean?
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  Maybe that's a big, huge chunk of it right there.
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  Because you've been around this person for a very long time.
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  Y'all shared love. It makes sense.
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  You have to be y'all. You have to be nice to yourself.
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  If you are nice to yourself, not if you are not nice to yourself,
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  you're going to struggle If you don't just be like, OK, it's OK
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  that I missed this person because I shared a life with
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  this person. You're going to struggle.
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  You are. Another thing that you can do
• 5:32
  when you're struggling with no contact is the write the stuff
• 5:36
  down. Write down the reasons why you
• 5:39
  are no contact in the 1st place. Please, please write down the
• 5:45
  reason why you are no contact. Please write them all down.
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  Write down why it's better to not talk, to not interact with,
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  not deal with this person anymore than it is to deal, to
• 5:58
  do to do, to deal with them, right?
• 6:01
  Write it down. Put it somewhere where you can
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  do it. Like put it somewhere where it's
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  easily available to you. Some people set it as their
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  screen savers. Some people put it beside, Some
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  people write it in a notebook beside the bed before they go to
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  sleep so that they can have it. So have a reminder to not wake
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  up out of a R.E.M. out of R.E.M. sleep and text the ex.
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  Do whatever it takes. In this scenario.
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  Write this type of stuff down well, Lee, I Lee writing stuff
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  down. It's just it can get so boring
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  for me. Is there anything I can do?
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  Like I'm tired of writing. I'm not a writer.
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  Do look, this might make a lot of people uncomfortable, but
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  this is I push this in my Group A lot.
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  My support, my mental health and support group.
• 6:39
  I push this in my Group A lot. Get good, get better at doing
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  video Diaries or video journals. What I mean by video Diaries and
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  video journals is just like you're filming A TikTok or
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  YouTube video with your phone like this, Do it like talk to
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  yourself, tell yourself why you're not going to reach out to
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  this person. Look, a video journal, you can
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  diary, you can journal in your phone, you can create an album
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  just for these videos, this type of video, so you can go back and
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  watch them, right? It's going to be uncomfortable
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  talking to yourself, right? Sometimes you can close your
• 7:15
  eyes and talk to yourself. Sometimes you can do video
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  journals, you can do voice recording, whatever it takes.
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  Hey, look, I need to send no contact because if I know, I
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  know if I break no contact and I go back to this person, it's
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  absolutely going to get worse because narcissists take my
• 7:30
  forgiveness and my reaching out as permission and validation to
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  continue doing it again, They could, they take me reaching out
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  to them as forgiveness. They take me reaching out to
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  them. It's making everything OK.
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  If I reach out to this person, I might lose my family, I might
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  lose my friends, and most of all, I might lose my life
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  because this person is crazy as hell and has threatened to
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  unalive me and then unalive themselves.
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  That's just a video journal right there, and that's tough to
• 7:58
  see right there. When you if you find yourself
• 8:01
  crying one night, record yourself crying.
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  You don't have to post it online.
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  I look, I don't like the crying video.
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  I don't know. I have a personality disorder
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  anyway, but crime videos. I can't stand to see crime
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  videos online, but that doesn't mean don't post it on.
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  Don't post it in the back office.
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  You can post your crime video behind the scenes.
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  You can not post it. You can put it in your video
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  Jari video journal. This is the type of stuff you
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  can video journal or video diary right here or put it out like
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  say voice recordings of yourself crying.
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  Are we kind of different? You mean you What what what how
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  was I feeling about myself on on July 22nd?
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  How was that? Let me what was I doing that
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  day? I miss my head.
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  Whoa, it is not a video. It's just a recording of you
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  crying. You go that could rattle you.
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  I'm not laughing at child, but that can rattle you.
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  No good. That one of the things that can
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  route on you and change your mind and your perspective on a
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  lot of things right there where you just looking like damn, this
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  like really hurt me. They really put me through.
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  They really took me through the ringer.
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  They really did a lot of damage to me.
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  That's going to hurt and it is going to suck a lot, right?
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  So you have to be ready to deal with it and ready to battle with
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  that. That's part of this journey,
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  y'all. That's part of that's what
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  healing looks like sometimes, you know what I mean?
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  This is what healing is. Healing looks like, you know,
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  reminding yourself of what you went through, not re
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  traumatizing yourself. So a lot of people will
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  absolutely get into this space where they will re traumatize
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  themselves trying to make things work.
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  You know what, by trying to go back through certain situations.
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  You don't want to re traumatize yourself, but you do want
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  reminders and going back into the toxic relationship could be
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  a could be you re traumatizing yourself.
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  You think about it like that. So you don't want to re
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  traumatize yourself by going back into the toxic
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  relationship. Another thing you can do if
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  you're struggling with no contact is to have a support
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  system is to have a good some some friends and family members
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  to reach out to believe nobody in my life understands what I've
• 9:55
  been through. Nobody in my life gets it and
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  people in my life are tired of hearing about it.
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  That's why I have that support group I mentioned the mental
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  healers support group is growing, is a growing support
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  group of people who understand what you've been through, people
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  who know it, people who get it, people who understand.
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  If you post in the group, like instead of texting your ex, you
• 10:14
  put it in, you put it in the group.
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  Some people do that. It's a venting section in my
• 10:17
  support group. It's called, it's at
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  mentalhealers.net, mental illness.net, right?
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  And there's a venting section where people just vent.
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  They talk, talk trash about the exes.
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  Sometimes they talk, they just vent.
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  You need a support system. Support systems help you heal
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  faster. To some people, getting around
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  people to understand the trauma and understand the experience of
• 10:38
  what you've been through can be huge, can be monumental on your
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  healing journey. You need to get around people to
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  understand what you've been through.
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  Maybe in real life you have friends that have been through
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  similar shared experiences as well.
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  But a lot of times it's it's difficult to find friends to
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  understand it, right, to find somebody who understands it,
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  that to find somebody who understands it in real life.
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  There are there people who understand it?
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  Yeah, there are a lot of people who who could understand it.
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  But when we get down to the nitty gritty, that's when he saw
• 11:06
  a battling right there, right? That's when the battles start.
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  So you have to ask yourself right here, can you, can you,
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  can you heal alone? Yeah, you probably can, but it's
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  going to take a long time. You mean you're getting there
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  crying by yourself? There's people in my support
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  group, support group who've been who've made real life friends.
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  They become real life friends. And I love it.
• 11:22
  I love that. So read books.
• 11:25
  Read Doctor Romney's book. It's not you.
• 11:28
  Read the book by Dana Morningstar out of the fall.
• 11:31
  Read Doctor Romney's other book, Should I stay or should you stay
• 11:34
  or should I, should you stay or should you go?
• 11:36
  It might be should I say or should I go?
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  It's a good book. I read it.
• 11:40
  Read all kinds of things, y'all? I just read a book called
• 11:43
  Getting to Neutral by Trevor Moad and it's a great book.
• 11:46
  There's a lot of books out there that can help you heal as well.
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  Read, set yourself free, pray, go to church, get it, get
• 11:53
  around, get around good people, but be very careful in those
• 11:56
  churches 'cause you're going to find a narcissistic pastor or a
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  narcissistic church member in there.
• 12:00
  They're just, they're preaching right out.
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  Preaching right out of one trauma into another.
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  ANYWAYS, y'all hoping this video brought you some clarity.
• 12:08
  I hope it brought you some peace.
• 12:09
  Click one of these right here on the screen to watch another one
• 12:11
  of my videos, Mental illness.net for all things Lee Hammock, my
• 12:16
  one-on-one coaching, my support groups, everything is on there.
• 12:18
  Y'all hit the subscribe button and my peace.