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Sober Talk SA - Andrew · Sober Talk SA

0:00
Welcome to sober talk. I'm Dennis and I have lived
0:03
experience to alcohol. If you or anyone you know is
0:06
struggling with alcohol, please call Alcoholics Anonymous on
0:10
1300 double 22222 or check out their website on aa.org dot AU.
0:19
I'll just run through the preamble of Alcoholics
0:21
Anonymous. Alcoholics Anonymous is a
0:24
fellowship of men and women who share their experience,
0:27
strengthen hope with each other. They must solve their common
0:30
problems and help others to recover from alcoholism.
0:34
The only requirement for membership is a desire to stop
0:37
drinking. There are no dues or fees for a
0:40
membership. We are self supporting through
0:41
our own contributions. A is not allied with any sex
0:45
denomination, politics, organization or institution.
0:49
Does not wish to engage in any controversy, neither endorses or
0:53
oppose any clauses. Our primary purpose is
0:56
stairsleman help other Alcoholics achieve sobriety.
1:00
Oh, my name is Andrew and I'm an alcoholic.
1:04
What sobriety dates the 21st of September 2020 and my Home group
1:09
is Salisbury Saturday on 630 on a Saturday night.
1:15
Yeah, what it was like, you know, I've been drinking
1:20
alcoholically, I think ever since I, since I first picked up
1:23
a drink. And soon as I soon as I tasted
1:27
alcohol, I knew that I wanted more.
1:30
And I was never satisfied of just just having a drink.
1:34
You know, I always had to finish what was it?
1:37
And I just soon as I had that, that drink, it was just, it was
1:41
on for all money. I just had to finish whatever I
1:44
had. And, you know, early on it was,
1:47
it was good. You know, it took me out of my
1:50
shell and I drank a lot, you know, and I thought I was really
1:56
good of it, you know, and I enjoyed doing it.
1:59
You know, I used, I used to black out a lot, but nothing bad
2:03
happened early on. The worst thing about a blackout
2:06
for me early on was, was I missed that, missed the memories
2:09
of having a good night. Yeah.
2:10
And what my friends would tell me, oh, I remember last night
2:14
and like how good it was. And, and I just, I just had no
2:17
recollection and I'd just be going along saying, yeah, yeah,
2:19
it was. It was, it was really good,
2:23
Yeah. It wasn't till till later on
2:25
that, you know, the blackouts got really bad and I started
2:28
doing things that, you know, I wouldn't do normally, normally
2:32
if I was if I was sober. And when it really got out of
2:37
control for me, I think was was about 2012.
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Yeah, I think that's when it really started.
2:49
Well, I'll go back a little bit more.
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I'll go back to 2000 and 2006. Drugs are a big part of my
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story. And I was using drugs heavily.
2:58
My friend out, my girlfriend at a time was going to have a baby
3:02
and I didn't know how to be a dad.
3:05
So. And I thought you could be a
3:08
dad. I'm I'm just like, well, I'm
3:10
going to give up drugs and I've got to learn martial arts.
3:13
You know, that they're better prepare me for for being being a
3:16
father. And I did, I mean, I go out of
3:19
the drugs cold Turkey and and it wasn't a problem, but but what I
3:23
realized is I'd started drinking a lot more, you know, and
3:27
that's, that's where I just replaced, replaced the drugs
3:31
with the booze. And, you know, and I was, I was
3:34
trying to hold on to, to be in a family life, to being a family
3:38
man that I that I didn't know how to do.
3:40
And yeah, and my drinking got more and more.
3:44
And then 2012 I lost my brother and my cousin the same year to
3:50
to suicide. And now they had my brother had
3:53
his own, his own issues and struggles.
3:57
And you know, and I took it pretty badly and I hurt my back
4:01
that year as well. So I couldn't work and I was at
4:04
home with on compensation. My youngest is about to be born
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and, and mentally I was just, I was just out of control and, and
4:11
all of a sudden I'm sitting at home with a paycheck and I got
4:15
all this time and I just, I just started drinking pretty much all
4:19
day, all day, every day. And it just took off from there.
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And you know, I eventually went back to work, but because I've
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been drinking so much and drinking in the mornings, you
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know, I had to keep doing that. You know, I'm a, I'm a drink
4:35
before work. And, and this job we got, you
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know, we had to, we had to do random alcohol tests all the
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time. And I was always really worried
4:44
about those tests. And, but I had to drink in the
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morning. So I'd get up real early in the
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morning, I'd have, I'd have a few drinks and I walked to the
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train station, catch the train to work and I'd just speak.
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I'd just be praying that, you know, I wouldn't get caught by
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this machine, you know, that I wouldn't lose my job.
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And and I got caught, you know, three times.
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And, you know, like a good alky I was, I was able to talk my way
5:10
out of it a couple of times, you know, because it was caught
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once, instant dismissal. But you know, I was able to
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talk, talk more crap and, you know, get away with it.
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And remember the third time I got caught and it's so
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embarrassing. We had this big board meeting
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and you know, all the bosses were there and we're sitting at
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a table and they came through with a tester and you had to
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talk into this, into this machine and registered if you
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had alcohol on your breath. And I was the first one to get
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tested and, and I blew positive and I thought, Oh no, I've lost
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my job. And I, and, and then they tested
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the guy next to me and he tested positive.
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And then the next guy tested positive and it turned out one
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of the guys, it was suffering from a bit of a cold.
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So they'd sprayed the whole room with Glen 20 and the whole room
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was was positive. So I got away with that one.
6:07
But I just, I thought to myself that day, I thought, I just, I
6:09
can't let this happen again and I really need to find myself for
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a new job. And so I managed to get another
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job and, but it's just the same, you know, we just didn't get
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tested drinking for drinking there.
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So, so I just drank, drank before work.
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The only reason I didn't drink at lunchtime, we had a pub
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across the road was because we're in a two-story building
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And you know, they, the bosses would have been able to see me
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walk across the road to the pub. And, you know, so I'd get up in
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the morning, I'd have a couple of beers, I'd jump in the share
6:42
of a couple more beers and I have a couple more and I'll be
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on my way to work. And, and I was just useless at
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my job. And I'm just just holding on,
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holding on till I could knock off and, and drank again.
6:53
And I wasn't living, you know, I just hided it last, last
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probably four or six years of drinking.
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I just, I just hided drinking and I just kept doing it, you
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know, and, and every day I just thought, you know, it's not a
7:07
drink anymore, you know, what am I going to do?
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And I know that I told myself every morning, this is going to
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be the day you're going to give up, give up drinking forever.
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You know, it was always forever. And I and I get up and then I
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never drink. I just be like, shit, I've done
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it again, you know, I just feel useless, feel like a failure.
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And, and I tell myself, well, you're drinking now.
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Just just drink today and tomorrow, tomorrow will give up.
7:31
And, you know, tomorrow would come and, and I just do the same
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thing again, you know, and I just kept doing that same thing.
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And no matter what I've tried, I just couldn't stop.
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You know, I've tried everything and stopped.
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The only thing I hadn't tried is, is not drinking a day at a
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time. And you know, it's coming up to
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my, it was coming up to my 41st birthday.
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And I just, I just knew I couldn't live the way I was
7:57
living anymore. And so I had this, I had this
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really good idea that that if I went on one huge Bender, you
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know, I bended and all benders that'll cure me.
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You know, I wouldn't have to drink after that.
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You know, I'd get that all out of my system.
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And I so organized to have a have a four day weekend and my
8:18
birthday and, and my son's birthday, his birthday is a day
8:23
before mine. So I thought I'll just, I'll get
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this out of my system, but just just drinking it out.
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And yeah, I drank, I drank for four days in blackout.
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And just by everyone that I've come into contact with, I've
8:36
set. And come Monday, I, I just knew
8:40
I couldn't do it anymore. You know, I just, I couldn't, I
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couldn't do life anymore. I couldn't face going back to
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work. I couldn't face my family.
8:50
Yeah, I couldn't face my kids and I and I just, I just felt
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like the biggest, biggest failure.
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And I just, I didn't think there was anything left I could do.
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And I'm not, I didn't go to work and I just, I sent my glass of
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text message and said look, I'm sick, I'm not coming in.
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And then I'll just turn my phone off.
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And I just sat down my shed drinking.
9:11
You know, I did that the next day on the Wednesday, I actually
9:15
put my work clothes on, jumped on the bus to go to work and I
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went, went straight past work and I went, went down to the
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Port Adelaide and soon as the pubs open there, I just went in
9:25
and drank. And then I caught a train to the
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city and I drank some more there.
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And then I caught a bus to the pub near my house, and I drank
9:32
more there. OK.
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I haven't told my wife, you know, how how tired, how tired I
9:37
was from working and you know that I needed to go to bed
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early. And.
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And then the next day, I had a voicemail from my boss and all
9:46
it said was Andrew Weather, Weather, Fr Yeah.
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And I didn't know what else I could do.
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I knew I couldn't go back to work.
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I just, I thought there was no solution.
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I'm sitting out in my shed and I'm, I'm just trying to work it
10:03
out and get rid of all this emotional pain.
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And, and I thought, well, if I'm, if I'm not here anymore,
10:09
then then I won't feel like this anymore.
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I didn't think anyone would have missed me.
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I don't think my wife or my kids would miss me.
10:16
So, so I thought you I would just sort of skill myself.
10:22
And now I thought, well, they won't be a bit disappointed if I
10:24
do that. I thought, well, how can I, how
10:29
can I do it and make it look like an accident?
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You know, maybe I'll go for a swim out in the ocean and then
10:34
not come back or, you know, maybe I'll trip over in front of
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a front of a bus or a truck and yeah, how can I do it?
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And while I was thinking like that, something in my head said
10:44
to me, I just just Google a A and I've got no idea where that
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came from. So I, well, I've got a bit of an
10:52
idea today where that came from, but, but I don't think I even,
10:56
I've even heard of IA before. And you know, I did that, you
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know, I go on the Google machine and, and I found a meeting list.
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There was a meeting that night with a phone number.
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So I put that number into my phone and I sat there for ages,
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you know, building up the courage to ring, you know, I put
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my phone on private number just in case they didn't answer.
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And, you know, they might call back because, you know, then
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what would I do? You know, answering the phone
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wasn't, wasn't something I could do, you know, back then.
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And but yeah, the person picked up, you know, pick up a private
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number. Who picks up a private number?
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I but, and he said, yeah, come to come to the meeting tonight.
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It was Adelaide City beginners. And I thought, yeah, I'll do
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that. And I drove for the meeting and
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I picked up some beers on the way.
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And I said outside in my car before the meeting, drink and
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just trying to build the courage to come in.
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And, you know, when I came in, I thought I'd actually got the
12:01
wrong place because there was those people there that look
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like they're having the right time.
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And, you know, they were dressed OK.
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And, you know, it was in a church that I thought I might
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have got the church group. But, you know, it turned out,
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turned out it was AA and and this.
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And I was honest for the first time, I think the first time in
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my life, I was honest that night.
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And they said, hey, the, we've been drinking today.
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And I said, and I said, Cher, normally when someone said that
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to me, I was like, no, I'm in drinking or I've just had one
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drink or, you know, I'm really tired.
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And they said, you know, just. And I said, yeah, I've, I've
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been sitting out in my car, I'm drinking beers.
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I'm broken. I want help.
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I don't know what to do. Like I said, yeah, just just
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keep coming back. And I know that too much.
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And that's basically what I did. You know, I think I fell in love
12:58
with AA that night. You know, everyone's just nice
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and, you know, they generally wanted to help me.
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And the next day I rang my boss and I was honest with him and I
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said, look, I'm, I'm sorry, I've been to work for the last week,
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but I've got a problem with alcohol.
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And he said, yeah, I know. We all know.
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What are you going to do about it?
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And I turned out he had a friend in the fellowship, so he got me
13:24
in contact with with him, which is really good.
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It's good to have a bit of support and some support at
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work. And I just started going to
13:35
meetings every day and I was still drinking and I was
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drinking before and after meetings.
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I don't know if I was drinking as much.
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I remember my first day, my first day back at work and I got
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up and I went to work, I didn't have a drink and I went to a
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meeting afterwards. I remember sitting at that
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meeting and then all of a sudden it just, it just hit me a lot.
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My head just exploded and I thought, wow, I've, I've had a
14:02
drink today, you know, and, and all of a sudden I thought, I can
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do this. I can do this one day at a time
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thing, you know, I can. And I did, you know, the next
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day I did the same thing. And the next day and I just get
14:15
going to meetings, you know, and I, and I felt like I could go
14:20
that 24 hours between the meetings, not drinking, you
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know, a lot of it was ego back then.
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I think I didn't want to come back until to you guys that I
14:30
had less, less days up than I saw you last time.
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And because everyone was just really excited that I was, that
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I was getting time up, you know, that Oh wow, you know, you got 7
14:39
days up, Andrew, or you got 10 days up.
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And, and I, so I was just, and I kept, I just kept coming back.
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You know, I've been coming about a month and, and I got hit me up
14:50
outside a meeting and he said, Oh, you know, how many meetings
14:54
do you do? I said, look, I'll do 1A day and
14:56
then do a couple on on the weekends.
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And he said, are you doing a 1990?
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And I said, what's that? And he goes, you do 90 meetings
15:05
in 90 days. And I said, no, I don't, I don't
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think I'm doing that. And he goes, well, if you keep
15:10
doing what you're doing, you just might be.
15:13
And I did that pretty much for the first year and a half.
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I did a meeting every day. And really, I think that's
15:21
helped me build it and build a good foundation in my recovery.
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In a today, I'll do maybe four or five meetings a week.
15:32
Or, you know, there's other things I'll do to help keep me
15:35
sober. I talked to other Alcoholics.
15:37
Yeah, I've got a service position at my Home group.
15:40
I've got a sponsor who work the steps with.
15:44
And there's a lot of things that helped and it hasn't been easy.
15:48
OK, the first, the first few months were were I was just
15:53
going mental. It was hard.
15:55
And I going to work and going to meetings was OK because my mind
16:00
is busy. But on the weekends I was like,
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there's just once I stopped drinking, there was just so much
16:05
time what I do all this time. And I brought myself a list of
16:09
all these things I could do to keep busy.
16:12
And I'd take him all off with a Dome.
16:14
And then I'd look at the clock. And it was like, oh, man.
16:16
Just like, it was like, no time had passed.
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Like the amount of stuff I could get done without drinking.
16:23
It was just. Yeah.
16:25
And after a few months, yeah, I was just.
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I think I was going going a bit crazy and, and my boss actually
16:32
said to me, he said, Hey, what's what's going on?
16:33
Andrew, are you, are you drinking again?
16:35
Helena said, no, I'm just, I'm just going nuts and I'm just,
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I'll just, I'm not handling not drinking.
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I just want to drink but but I know I can't because I don't
16:45
want to go back to how I was. And he went away and then he
16:49
came back and he must have talked to his friend and he he
16:52
came back and he said, have you got a sponsor?
16:55
Have I said, no, don't. I said they talk about them in
16:58
meetings, but I haven't got time for a sponsor, you know, so I'll
17:01
work and I'll go to meetings and I've got a family and and he
17:04
said, well, you need a sponsor. And he goes, I want you to ring
17:08
my friend every day until you get a sponsor, you know, and I
17:12
didn't want to do that and I didn't want to ring this guy
17:15
every day, but I didn't want to lose my job.
17:18
So I did that, you know, and we talk about, you know, would, who
17:25
would be a good sponsor and that sort of stuff.
17:27
And you know, oh, it's a real prick.
17:29
You know, I would bring this guy look at 7:00 because I think I,
17:33
you know, he's, he's going to be busy or, you know, you want, I
17:36
want to talk to him for too long or bring him like 5 minutes
17:39
before I have to go to go into a meeting.
17:41
And then I could just end the call quick.
17:45
Yeah. But.
17:45
But eventually I, I thought about this, this guy that I'd
17:49
met one of my first meetings had given me a big book.
17:51
And I thought, man, he's got the sort of sobriety that I want.
17:55
Yeah. I'm going to ask him if he'll be
17:56
my sponsor, you know, And that was really daunting.
17:59
It took me, it took me a long time to build the courage to ask
18:03
him. You know, I've got his phone
18:04
number. And I rang him a few times.
18:07
And then, you know, eventually I was just like, oh, you know, do
18:10
you sort of sponsor anyone? And do you want to maybe help me
18:16
through the 12 steps and sponsor me?
18:17
And, and he was just wrapped, you know, he was, he was more
18:21
excited than I was, you know, and, and it's been really good,
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you know, since, since I started working with him and going
18:28
through the steps. It's really like my life's
18:31
changed. And I am, I think the biggest,
18:38
biggest part of, of my recovery is, is finding a higher power,
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you know, a God of my understanding, you know, not a
18:46
religious God, but, you know, a spirit of the universe that that
18:51
guides me, you know, and, and I found that at about the nine
18:55
month mark, you know, because I'm, I'm going nuts again, you
19:00
know, it's just, I hope it's just crazy.
19:02
It, it still is, but it's, it's a lot quieter now.
19:06
And I remember I was, I was sitting at the, I was sitting at
19:09
a meeting, it was a Wednesday night meeting.
19:12
And I was just, I'd already decided I was going to drink.
19:16
And I thought if they, if they don't ask me to share the night,
19:21
I'm going to go ahead and drink, you know, and, and nobody asked
19:24
me to share. And I thought, that's it.
19:26
I'm going to drink. So when I had and I had eight
19:31
long necks of of home brew in my shed, because I always I made
19:34
home brew and always had this fantasy about entering my home
19:39
brewing competition, but I could never let let the home brew last
19:43
long enough to look at the Internet.
19:45
So I had these bottles lying around that I was going to enter
19:49
in a competition. I found a drink these and then I
19:52
looked at them and for let's say long necks, it's, you know, 16
19:56
stubbies and I've got no money to buy anymore.
20:00
And then I thought to myself, you know, that's not enough.
20:03
It's not going to, it's not going to cure the first I got
20:06
and. And then my next thought was,
20:09
well, we'll just just take your life.
20:11
You know, you're useless. Just do that.
20:13
And then I didn't want to do that either.
20:14
And, and I just got on my knees at night and just, and just
20:18
prayed in my shops out my shed at 10:30 at night.
20:20
And I'm, and I'm just praying. I said, if there, if there is a
20:23
God out there, if there is something out there, just just
20:25
please help me out. I don't want to feel like this
20:27
anymore. And, and I believe that night
20:30
that I felt something and, you know, that night there, the urge
20:37
that that desire to drink was just taken away and on and, and
20:42
every day I pray that I'm thankful, you know, that, but
20:46
that's been taken away. You know, I'm just so, so
20:49
grateful that I don't, I don't feel like having a drink to
20:53
anymore. I, I've still got that thought.
20:55
But, you know, how nice would it be just to sit out out the front
21:00
of a pub on a nice evening and, and have a couple of beers and
21:05
and, you know, it would be nice, but, but I know I can't do that,
21:08
you know, because I can have those two beers, but but I can't
21:11
stop half of those two beers. And yeah, I'm all off.
21:16
My life's so much better today than than I was when I was
21:19
drinking. Yeah, I've, I've got a good
21:20
relationship with my parents. You know, my kids respect me.
21:24
You know, I've, I've got a loving wife.
21:26
That's that stuck through me, all the, all the shit that I've
21:29
done. And yeah, I'm just just so, so
21:34
grateful at the life that I've got today.
21:36
Yeah, some days are hard and some days aren't so hard, but
21:40
they're manageable. Yeah.
21:42
When I was drinking, my life, my life was unmanageable.
21:46
And today, no, there's not a lot of money in the house, but, you
21:49
know, all my bills are paid. You know, we've got food in the
21:52
fridge and, and we're happy. It was small and we laugh and,
21:59
and I've got a, A to thank for that, you know, and, and I've,
22:05
I've made a lot of friends in the fellowship and more friends
22:09
than I think I've ever had. And, and I've got numbers in my
22:14
phone that I can call and people call me and yeah, it's, it's
22:18
good. And they say that the best is
22:22
yet to come. And I believe that's true
22:25
because I feel it's, it's just a constant journey of, of things
22:29
getting better, you know, and there's one thing that will make
22:32
it worse, and let's pick up a drink.
22:34
And so every day I've just got to remember that, you know,
22:38
drinking's not an option. I can't do that anymore.
22:41
All right? For me, if I want that old life
22:45
back, you know, I can have it by picking up a drink.
22:49
You know, if I want this new life that I've got to do, I've
22:52
got to follow this formula. You know, I've got to go to
22:55
meetings, so I've got to talk to Alcoholics.
22:57
I've got to be in conscious contact with my higher pair.
23:00
You know, I've got to talk, talk to my sponsor now and I've got
23:04
to look at these steps and and those little things.
23:08
You know, when you put them all together, it makes a big thing.
23:10
It makes it a good, a good active recovery.
23:13
And yeah, yeah, I've done a very much more to say, I think.
23:20
So I'll leave it, wave it at that.
23:22
Thanks for this that. Thanks a lot, Andrew.
23:24
Great chair, mate. Thank you.