Latest / Constellations and all that... / 41. Honouring what was lost and remembering we are not alone with Cherise Squire

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41. Honouring what was lost and remembering we are not alone with Cherise Squire · Constellations and all that...

• 0:00
  Tracy Cartwright: Kiona and welcome to Constellations and all that.
• 0:03
  Tracy Cartwright: I'm your host, Tracy Cartwright, and together we will be exploring the world of family constellations with facilitators for and clients from around the world, looking at different perspectives and experiences in the work, having a cup of tea, and just chatting with some friends around their experiences in constellations.
• 0:23
  Tracy Cartwright: We'd love for you to join us.
• 0:25
  Tracy Cartwright: I hope that you enjoy this series as much as I have loved making it.
• 0:33
  Tracy Cartwright: Kiata everyone and welcome to Constellations and all that.
• 0:37
  Tracy Cartwright: Uh, today I have the pleasure of talking with, um, my friend Cherise Squire.
• 0:43
  Tracy Cartwright: And the reason I've invited her on is to talk about her journey now.
• 0:50
  Tracy Cartwright: Just a little warning here.
• 0:52
  Tracy Cartwright: There is the, we are gonna be touching on the subject of suicide and some things that are very sensitive.
• 0:58
  Tracy Cartwright: So if this is something that is heightened for you at the moment, just coming into this with a tender heart and maybe feeling into whether this is what you want to be listening to right now.
• 1:10
  Tracy Cartwright: So with that aside, welcome Cherise.
• 1:14
  Cherise Squire: Thank you very much for having me.
• 1:17
  Tracy Cartwright: Um, so I reached out to you because I've been really called recently and I did a little recording the other day around the vanish twin or the vanishing twin, and that's part of your story, but in a much.
• 1:33
  Tracy Cartwright: Bigger way than the vanishing twin that I was sharing, where often it's unknown and it is, it was unknown, but it's a bigger story than that for you, right?
• 1:44
  Tracy Cartwright: So, yes.
• 1:45
  Tracy Cartwright: Yeah.
• 1:46
  Tracy Cartwright: Um, so I'm gonna let you introduce yourself and, and just share a little bit about like, when you and I first met and, and some of your journey for the, for the listeners and the viewers to Yeah.
• 1:57
  Tracy Cartwright: To hear about your journey.
• 1:59
  Cherise Squire: Okay.
• 1:59
  Cherise Squire: So, um, yes, like you said, I'm Cherise and I've been in New Zealand for, it'll actually be 12 years in February, so 11 and a half-ish years.
• 2:11
  Cherise Squire: Yeah.
• 2:11
  Cherise Squire: So you and I met about three years ago now.
• 2:17
  Cherise Squire: Yeah.
• 2:18
  Cherise Squire: And I feel like I've known you my whole life, though.
• 2:21
  Cherise Squire: I feel like it's been, it's been more than three years in a good way, in a very good, positive way, and yeah, kind of, not really.
• 2:30
  Cherise Squire: Um, since I've left.
• 2:33
  Cherise Squire: Home, I'll call South Africa home because I, I, I do feel it as a sense of home.
• 2:40
  Cherise Squire: I basically just never felt, um, I never felt whole.
• 2:45
  Cherise Squire: I felt like I'd kind of lived it with each foot in.
• 2:49
  Cherise Squire: Each country, which many expats do.
• 2:53
  Cherise Squire: I felt it in a really, really strong way.
• 2:56
  Cherise Squire: I had these like chains holding me down to South Africa, um, and when we basically bought our own place in New Zealand, I had horses, I had achieved cats, dogs, I had it all.
• 3:08
  Cherise Squire: I had everything I could have ever asked for and I. Definitely did feel a sense of home a bit closer, but never really could settle.
• 3:19
  Cherise Squire: It was never, I was always in this turmoil of, is this gonna be home?
• 3:25
  Cherise Squire: Like I, I couldn't really tell where I was going or if I wanna go anywhere or, um, just kind of really lost, like quite lost.
• 3:37
  Cherise Squire: But, um, having that sense.
• 3:40
  Cherise Squire: Living in our own space gave me a sense of grounding, I guess, the best grounding that I could have had at the time.
• 3:47
  Cherise Squire: Yeah, I think my, my horses was, were a massive grounding for me.
• 3:51
  Cherise Squire: They really held space in a way that nothing else has held space for me or, um, that I've experienced.
• 4:00
  Cherise Squire: Pulled space for me.
• 4:02
  Cherise Squire: So they were, I think the, the foundation of, um, basically the, the, um, change in where I went with my life at that time.
• 4:13
  Cherise Squire: Yeah.
• 4:14
  Cherise Squire: So in 2022, I lost.
• 4:17
  Cherise Squire: Two of my horses.
• 4:19
  Cherise Squire: And um, so I've always had a sense of, I've always had a really deep spiritual connection with, with animals.
• 4:26
  Cherise Squire: It's just been from very young.
• 4:28
  Cherise Squire: It's been there.
• 4:29
  Cherise Squire: I've never fully understood it.
• 4:31
  Cherise Squire: I don't try to understand it.
• 4:32
  Cherise Squire: I just go with it and it is what it is.
• 4:37
  Cherise Squire: And so when I lost the girls.
• 4:40
  Cherise Squire: It was, one was, um, my, my dear was Skye, her foal at about 11 months.
• 4:48
  Cherise Squire: And the other one was my daughter's Little Pony, her first pony.
• 4:53
  Cherise Squire: Um, she had told us that she's just finished.
• 4:55
  Cherise Squire: She, her body's not keeping up anymore and she wants out.
• 5:00
  Cherise Squire: And the little fo had, um.
• 5:02
  Cherise Squire: A type of foal cancer that develops in the jaw.
• 5:06
  Cherise Squire: And it was massive.
• 5:08
  Cherise Squire: It was of the biggest that the vets have seen.
• 5:12
  Cherise Squire: Wow.
• 5:12
  Cherise Squire: Yeah.
• 5:12
  Cherise Squire: And um, and her message was basically that.
• 5:16
  Cherise Squire: Her purpose was for me to, for her to help me to find my joy.
• 5:21
  Cherise Squire: At the time I was like, I'm fine.
• 5:24
  Cherise Squire: I've got you guys.
• 5:25
  Cherise Squire: We're happy.
• 5:26
  Cherise Squire: We are having a happy life.
• 5:28
  Cherise Squire: We're fine.
• 5:28
  Cherise Squire: You don't need to like, where's this going?
• 5:30
  Cherise Squire: I kind of never understood what she meant by you are helping me find my joy.
• 5:35
  Cherise Squire: And yeah, so we lost the two girls, um, the same day and that was quite, that kind of moved.
• 5:44
  Cherise Squire: My life around quite a bit.
• 5:45
  Cherise Squire: Yeah.
• 5:47
  Cherise Squire: And then 10 days later I lost my dad, which was another huge shift in my life.
• 5:53
  Cherise Squire: Kind of knew he was not well, but he was actually better.
• 5:57
  Cherise Squire: Which in hindsight, like I should have, you know, I should have known if I'd listened if, if I'd known what to listen for maybe.
• 6:06
  Cherise Squire: Yeah.
• 6:06
  Cherise Squire: So that happened and I went to South Africa.
• 6:09
  Cherise Squire: To basically spread his ashes and bury him and all that, and it was just a real awful visit.
• 6:15
  Cherise Squire: It was the worst visit I could have ever imagined.
• 6:19
  Cherise Squire: No chance to process anything.
• 6:22
  Cherise Squire: My mother was in a really bad place, really just had to hold space for her.
• 6:27
  Cherise Squire: So it was basically two weeks of just suppressing absolutely everything that happened in the last month, just.
• 6:35
  Cherise Squire: Basically doing business, going there, getting stuff done, paying bills, you know, doing all the, the hard yard stuff on the Friday, uh, was it on the Monday?
• 6:46
  Cherise Squire: Sorry, I, I arrived on the Monday with absolutely no sleep for about four days of traveling and everything.
• 6:53
  Cherise Squire: Yeah.
• 6:54
  Cherise Squire: Funny enough, I went to a sound journey on, on, on a, on the Friday, and then it just.
• 7:02
  Cherise Squire: Woke up the next morning.
• 7:04
  Cherise Squire: Um, my husband at the time and my daughter, they were out.
• 7:08
  Cherise Squire: Um, they were, they had gone to friends and then I kind of just, I remember standing, we had this, these big glass windows, and I just remember standing by the window going, well, I think this is the end now.
• 7:20
  Cherise Squire: This is, this is where my path's taken me in.
• 7:24
  Cherise Squire: This isn't, you know, where I'm supposed to stop and I don't feel like it needs to go any further.
• 7:29
  Cherise Squire: I just didn't have any concept of anything beyond that moment day, and it really was tunnel vision.
• 7:38
  Cherise Squire: I didn't feel sad, I didn't feel, um, upset.
• 7:42
  Cherise Squire: No emotion.
• 7:43
  Cherise Squire: It's just.
• 7:44
  Cherise Squire: Like brushing your teeth type thing.
• 7:46
  Cherise Squire: It wasn't any, um, there was no thought really put into it.
• 7:50
  Cherise Squire: It was just, okay, this is it.
• 7:51
  Cherise Squire: This is where it stops.
• 7:53
  Cherise Squire: This is what I have to do.
• 7:55
  Cherise Squire: Um, do you want me to go into the detail of what I took away?
• 8:00
  Cherise Squire: Anything like that?
• 8:01
  Cherise Squire: Maybe not,
• 8:02
  Tracy Cartwright: um, not, no, not necessarily.
• 8:04
  Tracy Cartwright: But you took some, yeah.
• 8:05
  Tracy Cartwright: You took some medication.
• 8:07
  Cherise Squire: Medication, yeah.
• 8:08
  Cherise Squire: Yeah.
• 8:09
  Cherise Squire: And so that was the, the.
• 8:11
  Cherise Squire: The suicide.
• 8:12
  Cherise Squire: I didn't obviously do it at home.
• 8:14
  Cherise Squire: I, I did it far away from home.
• 8:16
  Cherise Squire: I, I did it at a beach where I would always ride my horses.
• 8:19
  Cherise Squire: Yeah.
• 8:20
  Cherise Squire: Peaceful place.
• 8:21
  Cherise Squire: You know, no one around it was just kind of just went out.
• 8:27
  Cherise Squire: I thought, okay, this is it.
• 8:28
  Cherise Squire: Yeah.
• 8:29
  Cherise Squire: What from that, from what I remember was I just stood, had obviously left my body and I'd stood outside the car and it was like the side of the car was actually.
• 8:40
  Cherise Squire: Just cut in half.
• 8:41
  Cherise Squire: There was nothing there and I was just watching myself.
• 8:44
  Cherise Squire: I don't know if it's going in and out of conscious or whether I'd gone or what the situation was, but I had been standing there watching myself and yeah, there were, there were beings in all the forests because it's backs onto a, a huge forestry.
• 8:59
  Cherise Squire: They were massive beings from what I remember in the forest.
• 9:02
  Cherise Squire: Huge.
• 9:02
  Cherise Squire: Huge beings like dark.
• 9:04
  Cherise Squire: Really like dark.
• 9:05
  Cherise Squire: What we would conceptualize as evil demons visually, but they were absolutely not.
• 9:13
  Cherise Squire: They were just color dark and they were just there watching.
• 9:18
  Cherise Squire: I get the feeling it was a process I needed to go through.
• 9:21
  Cherise Squire: That's just what I feel about it.
• 9:23
  Cherise Squire: It was something I had to actually go through and um, they were just kind of supervising, just kind of overseeing things.
• 9:32
  Cherise Squire: But there were lots of them.
• 9:33
  Cherise Squire: The whole forest was full of them and very wise, kind, very old.
• 9:39
  Cherise Squire: Ancient ancients, so I felt very safe and I, not for a second, did I think things were out of control or what have I done?
• 9:47
  Cherise Squire: What am I doing?
• 9:48
  Cherise Squire: So and so is gonna hate me or nothing.
• 9:51
  Cherise Squire: I just thought nothing.
• 9:52
  Cherise Squire: There was no thoughts.
• 9:54
  Cherise Squire: Just this is what we're doing and they're there watching and that, that's it basically.
• 10:01
  Cherise Squire: Yeah.
• 10:02
  Tracy Cartwright: So
• 10:03
  Cherise Squire: what
• 10:03
  Tracy Cartwright: happened from there?
• 10:04
  Tracy Cartwright: How were you found?
• 10:05
  Cherise Squire: Another intuitive friend of mine actually, uh, could sense that something was not right with me that day.
• 10:12
  Cherise Squire: When she spoke to me in the morning, I sent her a message and my reply was, she picked up immediately.
• 10:17
  Cherise Squire: Something was not right.
• 10:19
  Cherise Squire: So she tried to phone me over and over again and I hadn't answered, I hadn't replied to messages.
• 10:25
  Cherise Squire: I sent her one message when I was sitting in the car at the beach and.
• 10:30
  Cherise Squire: She knew immediately.
• 10:32
  Cherise Squire: She phoned my ex-husband at the time, or my ex-husband and, um, they were trying to figure out where I was.
• 10:42
  Cherise Squire: And between, um.
• 10:46
  Cherise Squire: This friend and another, my really good friend, um, 'cause she happened to phone another friend.
• 10:53
  Cherise Squire: Yeah.
• 10:53
  Cherise Squire: Between the two of them and another, actually there were three friends involved.
• 10:57
  Cherise Squire: They had figured out where the beach was and so they sent an ambulance and they, they phoned my ex-husband.
• 11:05
  Cherise Squire: Um, the ambulance came, but I think my, my heart had stopped by then.
• 11:10
  Cherise Squire: So they had to, they called the helicopter.
• 11:14
  Cherise Squire: They got my heart going.
• 11:16
  Cherise Squire: I think in the ambulance, um, from what I can remember, my ex-husband telling me is they, they had, they put me in the ambulance and then that's where they got my heart starting again.
• 11:27
  Cherise Squire: So who knows?
• 11:29
  Cherise Squire: Like it's quite unknown of what actually happened.
• 11:33
  Cherise Squire: I've tried to find out, but there's just no information about what happened at that time.
• 11:37
  Cherise Squire: But from what he saw, from what he told me is there was, yeah, kind of no hearts.
• 11:45
  Cherise Squire: Or, or pulse or weak pulse or weak heart.
• 11:47
  Cherise Squire: I, I, and then, and the, the thing, they got it and then went to airlifted, went to the hospital and apparently they, it all kind of went pear-shaped again.
• 11:59
  Cherise Squire: And I do remember a little bit of the hospital.
• 12:02
  Cherise Squire: I just remember lying on a. Bed and there was just tons of people around me.
• 12:07
  Cherise Squire: Just lots and lots of people around me.
• 12:09
  Cherise Squire: But again, I wasn't scared.
• 12:11
  Cherise Squire: I wasn't, um, worried.
• 12:14
  Cherise Squire: There was no fear.
• 12:15
  Cherise Squire: It was just like going through processes.
• 12:17
  Cherise Squire: You, you need to go through certain things to get to certain things, and this was just another thing to go to.
• 12:23
  Tracy Cartwright: So how long were you there before you reached out to me?
• 12:29
  Cherise Squire: So I was in hospital for that.
• 12:33
  Cherise Squire: Day or overnight?
• 12:34
  Cherise Squire: I think I only woke up, I think the next morning I woke up.
• 12:39
  Cherise Squire: It was like.
• 12:40
  Cherise Squire: Early, quite early in the morning, about six o'clock in the morning, I, I woke up, woke up to a security guard because obviously when something like that happens, they take it very seriously and they have, you have to have 24 hour, um, police or security or something actually watching you.
• 12:57
  Tracy Cartwright: Yeah.
• 12:58
  Cherise Squire: And then, um, they sent me to a treatment facility once a psychiatrist saw me.
• 13:06
  Cherise Squire: Then I must have been in there a couple of days.
• 13:10
  Cherise Squire: And then, um, I reached out to a mutual friend of ours and she put us in contact.
• 13:17
  Cherise Squire: And yeah, I think from there, from that moment it was kind.
• 13:22
  Cherise Squire: I think that was a catalyst for future events.
• 13:27
  Tracy Cartwright: Yeah.
• 13:28
  Tracy Cartwright: I remember being very fascinated.
• 13:30
  Tracy Cartwright: So we hadn't, we were on a call and there was no, we weren't on a video call or anything like that.
• 13:35
  Cherise Squire: No.
• 13:36
  Tracy Cartwright: Um, and you share, were sharing briefly with me what was happening.
• 13:40
  Tracy Cartwright: Yeah.
• 13:41
  Tracy Cartwright: Um, and how you were feeling.
• 13:43
  Tracy Cartwright: Um, and I remember asking you a, a poignant question.
• 13:46
  Tracy Cartwright: I remember saying something along the lines of, this might sound strange.
• 13:50
  Tracy Cartwright: I know you don't, you know, we dunno each other, but I feel like there's two of you.
• 13:55
  Cherise Squire: Yes.
• 13:55
  Cherise Squire: Do you wanna share
• 13:58
  Tracy Cartwright: what your response to that was?
• 14:00
  Cherise Squire: Yes.
• 14:00
  Cherise Squire: So I, I didn't know this, but I had a, um, body code session probably about a year prior, and in that body code session I had found out that.
• 14:14
  Cherise Squire: I had lost a twin in tro.
• 14:16
  Cherise Squire: I asked my mom about it and she kind of, she kind of just doesn't understand, or maybe she's just avoiding the, the size of the thing.
• 14:26
  Cherise Squire: I, I don't even know how to explain it because she's so blase about it.
• 14:29
  Cherise Squire: She really doesn't want to even engage in the conversation.
• 14:34
  Cherise Squire: Um, but anyway, so I did, I did have to ask her what that was about, and she said yes, she did lose a twin, and you tried about seven and a half months.
• 14:43
  Cherise Squire: She kind of, at that time, you know, pe the doctors didn't really do anything, so she didn't do anything.
• 14:51
  Cherise Squire: They, they just, you know, went in, took it out, and that was the end of it.
• 14:55
  Cherise Squire: She didn't think it was a thing.
• 14:57
  Cherise Squire: And then, um, we'd never spoke of it again.
• 15:01
  Cherise Squire: Never spoke of it until you, till we had that conversation.
• 15:06
  Tracy Cartwright: Because I remember in the, in our conversation that she birthed you.
• 15:10
  Tracy Cartwright: Yes.
• 15:10
  Tracy Cartwright: But she didn't birth the twin.
• 15:12
  Tracy Cartwright: No.
• 15:13
  Tracy Cartwright: So the, so your twin sister stayed in the womb for, with you for a month and a half?
• 15:18
  Cherise Squire: No, she stayed with me for, um, so it was about seven and a half months.
• 15:24
  Tracy Cartwright: Yeah.
• 15:25
  Tracy Cartwright: Eight, nine.
• 15:25
  Tracy Cartwright: So about a month and a half, maybe
• 15:28
  Cherise Squire: two months.
• 15:28
  Cherise Squire: Oh, yes, yes.
• 15:28
  Cherise Squire: Yeah.
• 15:29
  Cherise Squire: Yeah.
• 15:29
  Cherise Squire: In
• 15:29
  Tracy Cartwright: the womb.
• 15:30
  Tracy Cartwright: Yeah.
• 15:30
  Tracy Cartwright: So there would've been s being reabsorbed by you of your sister?
• 15:35
  Cherise Squire: Yes.
• 15:36
  Cherise Squire: Yeah.
• 15:36
  Cherise Squire: Yes, yes.
• 15:37
  Cherise Squire: So, and then,
• 15:38
  Tracy Cartwright: and then that the doctors didn't.
• 15:40
  Tracy Cartwright: Do anything because your mom didn't birth your sister at the same time.
• 15:45
  Tracy Cartwright: They sent her home.
• 15:47
  Cherise Squire: Yeah.
• 15:47
  Cherise Squire: So they, she, she went in for a scan and, um, I think she, I think at that time they only, she only did like two scans, um, when you're pregnant.
• 15:58
  Tracy Cartwright: Yeah.
• 15:59
  Cherise Squire: And so there was very
• 16:00
  Tracy Cartwright: few back then, probably.
• 16:01
  Cherise Squire: Yes.
• 16:02
  Cherise Squire: Yeah.
• 16:02
  Cherise Squire: So she went very late on, and then the doctor was like, oh, there's two heartbeats and there's two, you know, there's two.
• 16:11
  Cherise Squire: And then.
• 16:13
  Cherise Squire: There wasn't, um, but there was definitely two and till, and then there was only obviously one baby.
• 16:20
  Cherise Squire: Yeah.
• 16:21
  Tracy Cartwright: Mm-hmm.
• 16:22
  Tracy Cartwright: Um, and then didn't she go back?
• 16:24
  Tracy Cartwright: She went back into hospital to birth your sister?
• 16:29
  Tracy Cartwright: After you were born and got very, very unwell?
• 16:32
  Cherise Squire: No, no, no.
• 16:33
  Cherise Squire: She, no, she, she never, um, there it was just, there was no nothing.
• 16:39
  Cherise Squire: Ah, wow.
• 16:39
  Cherise Squire: Interesting.
• 16:40
  Cherise Squire: She, she may have, uh, she, I, I may, um, she may have gone into, have it removed.
• 16:46
  Cherise Squire: Have it actually.
• 16:47
  Cherise Squire: Yeah.
• 16:48
  Tracy Cartwright: But I remember at the time you told me 'cause it was quite fresh for you then.
• 16:51
  Tracy Cartwright: Um, yes.
• 16:52
  Cherise Squire: Yeah.
• 16:52
  Cherise Squire: Okay.
• 16:53
  Cherise Squire: Yeah.
• 16:53
  Tracy Cartwright: That, um, she got really unwell after she'd had you, the doctors had said that she would pass whatever was left.
• 17:00
  Tracy Cartwright: She had birthed you and that she didn't pass your, the, the rest of the Yes,
• 17:05
  Cherise Squire: yes.
• 17:06
  Cherise Squire: I think, I think you are right.
• 17:07
  Cherise Squire: Yes.
• 17:08
  Cherise Squire: 'cause that was actually another thing that came up.
• 17:11
  Cherise Squire: What the body code was that she had.
• 17:14
  Cherise Squire: Some issues with her female organs.
• 17:17
  Cherise Squire: And again, I didn't know what this was, so I went and asked her.
• 17:20
  Cherise Squire: Yes.
• 17:21
  Tracy Cartwright: Wow.
• 17:21
  Tracy Cartwright: Interesting.
• 17:22
  Tracy Cartwright: That, um, it must be so painful for mom to even to dive into that or open that door a little bit right?
• 17:29
  Tracy Cartwright: To yeah.
• 17:30
  Tracy Cartwright: Be able to share that with you.
• 17:31
  Cherise Squire: Yeah.
• 17:32
  Cherise Squire: I don't think she wants to really admit that she, she lost another child, essentially.
• 17:37
  Cherise Squire: She just doesn't even go down there, so she just.
• 17:41
  Cherise Squire: Kind of brushes it off as, oh, she had a twin pregnancy and then she only had one baby, and the other one was just like a fluke, you know, just kind of reabsorbed and it doesn't mean anything,
• 17:53
  Tracy Cartwright: but it does, because it really impacted you, didn't it?
• 17:57
  Cherise Squire: Yeah.
• 17:58
  Cherise Squire: Yeah.
• 17:58
  Cherise Squire: I mean it's, it's amazing that two intuitive people have picked up on this in a very strong way.
• 18:07
  Cherise Squire: It's not even a, a doubtful thing.
• 18:09
  Cherise Squire: It's very much this is what's happened, and she just wants nothing to know more about it.
• 18:16
  Cherise Squire: And literally, that's all she told me was, was what I've basically said to you.
• 18:21
  Cherise Squire: She, there's nothing more to the story and there's nothing more.
• 18:24
  Cherise Squire: She puts no energy into it.
• 18:26
  Tracy Cartwright: Now for you going forward.
• 18:29
  Tracy Cartwright: So we had our conversation and then we had a session.
• 18:32
  Tracy Cartwright: We had a session around you being able to fully take in your sister.
• 18:38
  Cherise Squire: Yes.
• 18:38
  Cherise Squire: Was that the session at your house?
• 18:40
  Cherise Squire: Was it?
• 18:41
  Cherise Squire: I think so,
• 18:41
  Tracy Cartwright: yes.
• 18:42
  Tracy Cartwright: Yeah, because yeah.
• 18:43
  Tracy Cartwright: Yeah.
• 18:43
  Tracy Cartwright: You came up and it was like, it was just transformative in front of my eyes.
• 18:48
  Cherise Squire: Yeah, that was a big one as well.
• 18:50
  Cherise Squire: I remember that so well.
• 18:52
  Tracy Cartwright: Yeah.
• 18:53
  Cherise Squire: Yes.
• 18:54
  Tracy Cartwright: The importance of acknowledging all who belong in our family system.
• 18:59
  Cherise Squire: Yes, absolutely.
• 19:01
  Cherise Squire: Absolutely.
• 19:02
  Cherise Squire: I think that is so profound is just knowing that you, that we're not alone.
• 19:09
  Cherise Squire: There's just so much around us, um, giving us that support.
• 19:15
  Tracy Cartwright: Yeah.
• 19:15
  Cherise Squire: And we've just got to remember it.
• 19:18
  Cherise Squire: I think if you choose to.
• 19:21
  Cherise Squire: Dismiss it.
• 19:23
  Cherise Squire: It does feel quite different, but like you say, if you actually acknowledge it, it does make a difference to how that interacts with your life.
• 19:34
  Tracy Cartwright: Mm-hmm.
• 19:35
  Tracy Cartwright: And the significance of your two horses leaving on the same day, and then the catalyst for all of that when you went back to South Africa for your father's funeral.
• 19:44
  Tracy Cartwright: Yes.
• 19:45
  Tracy Cartwright: Yep.
• 19:45
  Tracy Cartwright: Um, yeah.
• 19:47
  Tracy Cartwright: Sometimes when we are.
• 19:49
  Tracy Cartwright: There's some, there's things that need to be seen.
• 19:52
  Cherise Squire: Yeah.
• 19:53
  Cherise Squire: Without a doubt.
• 19:55
  Tracy Cartwright: A yeah, that was a very powerful way to be bringing that to the forefront.
• 20:01
  Cherise Squire: Yes.
• 20:02
  Cherise Squire: Yeah.
• 20:03
  Cherise Squire: I like often think we could have done it a bit more subtly, but I obviously, I wasn't listening, I wasn't hearing it, and I needed a big bang to pay attention to what's.
• 20:16
  Cherise Squire: Needs to be, needs to get done.
• 20:18
  Cherise Squire: And it's quite amazing.
• 20:20
  Cherise Squire: It's like it was explosive and there were lots of big things happening.
• 20:26
  Cherise Squire: One after the other, whoopsie, and now it was almost as if from then it's been slowly been tapering back down, kind of bringing me back to the ground.
• 20:39
  Cherise Squire: I feel like I'm becoming.
• 20:42
  Cherise Squire: It feels, it sounds weird, but it feels like I'm becoming more human again.
• 20:47
  Cherise Squire: Whereas before I was just in this other dimension like really battling to be on the earth when I'm spiritually not here.
• 20:59
  Cherise Squire: So I think through all those events, that's taken me a pla to a place to, to kind of see my capabilities and where I can go Maybe.
• 21:10
  Cherise Squire: Yeah.
• 21:10
  Cherise Squire: And slowly we've just tapered down to kind of bringing it back to human is, that's what I feel.
• 21:20
  Cherise Squire: It's, it's a, it's a bit hard to put into words 'cause it's hard to actually conceptualize what I feel.
• 21:26
  Cherise Squire: Mm-hmm.
• 21:26
  Cherise Squire: And what's, for the last three years, what's happened inside
• 21:32
  Tracy Cartwright: with the rejoining, with your twin, your, um, or bringing her into you and acknowledging her and, yeah.
• 21:40
  Tracy Cartwright: How has that been an impact for you in life going forward, like in your relationships and just in daily life?
• 21:48
  Tracy Cartwright: How has that impacted?
• 21:50
  Cherise Squire: I think it was, in the beginning it was really quite amazing.
• 21:55
  Cherise Squire: 'cause once you brought it to light and then I kind of figured it out, how to lean into.
• 22:06
  Cherise Squire: Basically, I guess at that time it was really important for me to know that I'm not alone.
• 22:13
  Cherise Squire: That was the biggest thing.
• 22:15
  Tracy Cartwright: Yeah.
• 22:15
  Cherise Squire: And because I had massive shifts, you know, in the background as well, um, with family and housing and just everything had basically shifted.
• 22:25
  Cherise Squire: My whole heart, my whole life had been tipped upside down.
• 22:29
  Cherise Squire: I kind of just needed to know that I wasn't doing it alone.
• 22:34
  Cherise Squire: And I think with that, it came quite obvious to me, like I could.
• 22:41
  Cherise Squire: Driving the car and I'd be like, oh, I'm not alone.
• 22:44
  Cherise Squire: It's fine.
• 22:44
  Cherise Squire: Like I'm not actually alone.
• 22:46
  Cherise Squire: And that was the big thing is you're not alone.
• 22:49
  Cherise Squire: Like I have to.
• 22:50
  Cherise Squire: I had to keep saying that to myself.
• 22:52
  Cherise Squire: I'm not alone.
• 22:52
  Cherise Squire: I'm fine.
• 22:53
  Tracy Cartwright: And when you look back, had that been something that had been there all your life without you recognizing it or you were Yeah, I think so.
• 23:01
  Cherise Squire: Yeah.
• 23:02
  Cherise Squire: Yeah, definitely.
• 23:03
  Cherise Squire: I get the feeling without a doubt, my whole life and I just not recognize it.
• 23:08
  Cherise Squire: And then when that happened, then you just, that acknowledgement, it does change things quite a bit.
• 23:15
  Cherise Squire: It really is hard putting it in words because it's, it's more about what you feel of the actual physical things that happened.
• 23:24
  Cherise Squire: Like I could sit, when I was in the the treatment center, I was literally alone.
• 23:30
  Cherise Squire: Alone.
• 23:30
  Cherise Squire: They lock you up, you've got nothing because obviously.
• 23:35
  Cherise Squire: It's dangerous to have.
• 23:37
  Cherise Squire: Yeah.
• 23:37
  Cherise Squire: Anything in there with you.
• 23:39
  Cherise Squire: That's when I went in really deep and you kind of realize, well, you can just turn a blind eye and it's gonna just kind of make it worse for, it'll make it worse for me.
• 23:49
  Cherise Squire: Or I could actually just be curious and I'm not gonna lose anything.
• 23:54
  Cherise Squire: I'm.
• 23:55
  Cherise Squire: Just gonna see where it goes.
• 23:57
  Cherise Squire: And then once you become curious, it's like the gate opens and they show you what you need to know.
• 24:02
  Cherise Squire: Firstly, they, they don't give you more than you can handle, but I think we also, we doubt what we can handle as we can.
• 24:11
  Cherise Squire: Yeah.
• 24:11
  Cherise Squire: We can handle a lot more than what we think we can.
• 24:15
  Tracy Cartwright: Absolutely.
• 24:16
  Tracy Cartwright: And when, when we decide, when we choose not to get curious, right.
• 24:20
  Tracy Cartwright: We might spiral.
• 24:21
  Tracy Cartwright: There's a potential to spiral deeper into Yeah.
• 24:25
  Tracy Cartwright: So even your dogs agree.
• 24:27
  Tracy Cartwright: Yeah.
• 24:27
  Tracy Cartwright: Deeper into whatever's pulling us down.
• 24:29
  Tracy Cartwright: So we would call that in constellations.
• 24:32
  Tracy Cartwright: That experience that you had was, we would call that a pull to death.
• 24:36
  Cherise Squire: Yes.
• 24:37
  Cherise Squire: Yep.
• 24:37
  Cherise Squire: That's exactly what unconscious
• 24:38
  Tracy Cartwright: pull to death.
• 24:39
  Cherise Squire: Absolutely.
• 24:40
  Cherise Squire: A hundred percent.
• 24:42
  Cherise Squire: Yeah.
• 24:42
  Cherise Squire: And I did kind of have it a little bit afterwards still.
• 24:46
  Cherise Squire: Um, and I think that's why I, I needed to come see you was because I did feel that Paul was absolutely still there.
• 24:55
  Cherise Squire: Mm. And we had a big session that day.
• 25:00
  Cherise Squire: Yeah, with, with that big session, it helped me again, just get curious to the pool and not actually go with the pool.
• 25:09
  Tracy Cartwright: Yeah,
• 25:10
  Cherise Squire: it took a while.
• 25:11
  Cherise Squire: It probably took about, I would say a good six months to a year to fully released from that.
• 25:22
  Cherise Squire: Let it go completely or let it go.
• 25:26
  Cherise Squire: I love
• 25:26
  Tracy Cartwright: that you were, that you were willing to do the work too.
• 25:30
  Tracy Cartwright: You were able to look at the process and allow it to unravel because it had been there.
• 25:36
  Tracy Cartwright: Because I think you, you were in your early forties here when?
• 25:40
  Cherise Squire: Uh, thirties.
• 25:41
  Cherise Squire: So I was 34.
• 25:42
  Cherise Squire: I was 34 when it happened.
• 25:44
  Tracy Cartwright: 34.
• 25:45
  Tracy Cartwright: When you, and, and this, you'd only been had the news from your mother?
• 25:50
  Tracy Cartwright: Not too much in the recent years before the event.
• 25:55
  Tracy Cartwright: Yeah.
• 25:56
  Tracy Cartwright: So you had your lifetime up until that time, holding it all in, in the secret that was unconscious within you?
• 26:04
  Cherise Squire: Yeah.
• 26:04
  Cherise Squire: Yeah.
• 26:05
  Cherise Squire: Yes.
• 26:06
  Cherise Squire: That's a. Beautiful way of saying it.
• 26:08
  Cherise Squire: Yeah.
• 26:09
  Tracy Cartwright: And, and then peeling back the layers.
• 26:12
  Tracy Cartwright: And I think over that time there were, there were numerous layers, right?
• 26:16
  Tracy Cartwright: And
• 26:17
  Cherise Squire: yeah.
• 26:17
  Cherise Squire: And it was all starting to fray.
• 26:19
  Cherise Squire: Like it just needed to come, the undoing needed to happen.
• 26:23
  Cherise Squire: It just became too loose ended and for, for nothing to happen.
• 26:31
  Cherise Squire: I think something had to give.
• 26:34
  Cherise Squire: Yeah.
• 26:34
  Cherise Squire: For, for that to come, for a lot of things to come to the surface.
• 26:38
  Cherise Squire: Yeah.
• 26:39
  Tracy Cartwright: And now in 2025, in July, 2025, how are you doing now?
• 26:46
  Cherise Squire: So going back to, um, so the first trip, obviously to South Africa, that was my first trip home since moving to New Zealand.
• 26:55
  Cherise Squire: So first time back in nine years, which was awful.
• 26:58
  Cherise Squire: Absolutely hated it.
• 27:01
  Cherise Squire: And, um, so I. Went back to South Africa in May this year, my, me and my daughter, and we went on a big trip and it was just.
• 27:13
  Cherise Squire: Total, total opposite.
• 27:16
  Cherise Squire: And it was very, um, introspective.
• 27:20
  Cherise Squire: It was, I, I was like deep thinking the whole time feeling into everything that while I was there.
• 27:26
  Cherise Squire: When I came back, it was again, this turmoil.
• 27:31
  Cherise Squire: Something had to shift.
• 27:32
  Cherise Squire: Something had to shift.
• 27:34
  Cherise Squire: I didn't know what it was, but I knew something had to shift.
• 27:37
  Cherise Squire: And then it just popped in my mind and it's like, you've gotta move countries again.
• 27:42
  Cherise Squire: So yes, we are now moving to Australia for the shift and I'm very excited about it.
• 27:50
  Cherise Squire: Yeah.
• 27:50
  Cherise Squire: And I feel really assured in that decision.
• 27:54
  Cherise Squire: It's just, it's kind of like a big sigh.
• 27:56
  Cherise Squire: Mm-hmm.
• 27:57
  Cherise Squire: I know there's gonna be lots of challenges.
• 27:59
  Cherise Squire: I feel like I need the challenges.
• 28:02
  Cherise Squire: I feel like everything that I've learned over the last three years, my tools for my time, which is now, and now is my time to, to shine or, or do whatever it is.
• 28:15
  Cherise Squire: I don't need to shine.
• 28:16
  Cherise Squire: I can just be, and I'm happy with that.
• 28:18
  Cherise Squire: Um, but yeah, I'm in a very good place mentally.
• 28:21
  Cherise Squire: I think I've, I've hopefully possibly helped a few people along the way that's just needed some direction, just some.
• 28:30
  Cherise Squire: Someone to listen to, either even.
• 28:33
  Cherise Squire: You don't always need to give advice.
• 28:35
  Cherise Squire: I think advice is sometimes the worst thing to give to people.
• 28:38
  Cherise Squire: 'cause they actually find their own advice inside themselves and yeah, I'd, I'd a hundred percent was the most challenging time of my life, absolutely.
• 28:51
  Cherise Squire: But from what it's taught me.
• 28:54
  Cherise Squire: It's definitely something, um, I would go through.
• 28:59
  Cherise Squire: I'm not saying I wanna go through it again, but I've learned so much that I feel like if I hadn't gone through that, I've just grown so much in three years.
• 29:08
  Cherise Squire: It's actually, that's one of the things that the therapist and the, you know, 'cause you see a lot of psychologists, psychiatrists.
• 29:15
  Cherise Squire: All, all kinds of therapist, occupational, the whole lot.
• 29:19
  Cherise Squire: And that's the one thing that all came back to me and said is they were quite confused at how quickly I could get myself back.
• 29:29
  Cherise Squire: Um, and they didn't know 'cause, so I was actually one of the fastest turnarounds they'd ever seen.
• 29:34
  Cherise Squire: Wow.
• 29:35
  Cherise Squire: So the last psychiatrist I saw was.
• 29:39
  Cherise Squire: Um, outside of the hospital and he was saying the, the, what made them so nervous was the quick turnaround and how, how was I gonna cope outside without the support they could give inside.
• 29:54
  Cherise Squire: And um, yeah, I think it just goes back to what you put in is what you get out.
• 30:00
  Tracy Cartwright: Hmm.
• 30:01
  Cherise Squire: So, yeah, basically I knew I had to get myself out of a situation and I needed to figure out how to do it.
• 30:09
  Cherise Squire: And I think if we do that with everything in our life, we can work through things, but just work through one thing at a time.
• 30:16
  Cherise Squire: Not the whole thing.
• 30:18
  Cherise Squire: Just, just,
• 30:19
  Tracy Cartwright: yeah,
• 30:20
  Cherise Squire: if you can just work through 1% at a time, eventually you'll get to where you need to be.
• 30:27
  Tracy Cartwright: I'm so grateful that you answered your friend when she.
• 30:31
  Tracy Cartwright: Had messaged you in the morning and that she was curious enough to say this doesn't feel right.
• 30:37
  Cherise Squire: Yes.
• 30:38
  Cherise Squire: And then,
• 30:38
  Tracy Cartwright: um, then yeah, there are different ways that we have journeys and different ways that we open up to things.
• 30:45
  Tracy Cartwright: And obviously, like you said, you don't really wish for that journey again, but the experience, the outcome of it, the effectiveness.
• 30:54
  Cherise Squire: A catapult.
• 30:55
  Cherise Squire: You can't explain it.
• 30:56
  Cherise Squire: It's just so immensely.
• 30:59
  Cherise Squire: It was so fast as well.
• 31:01
  Cherise Squire: It was really just a catapult into my future, basically, which was, I, I couldn't have done it without those experiences.
• 31:10
  Cherise Squire: Yeah.
• 31:11
  Cherise Squire: I couldn't be here without those experiences in this position that I am fortunate enough to be today.
• 31:17
  Tracy Cartwright: I'm curious about a, a few things that I know about the Vanish twin and just wondering how that is.
• 31:24
  Tracy Cartwright: Line for you.
• 31:26
  Tracy Cartwright: Um, are you left-handed or right-handed?
• 31:28
  Cherise Squire: Right-handed.
• 31:30
  Tracy Cartwright: Okay.
• 31:31
  Tracy Cartwright: Not ambidextrous?
• 31:32
  Tracy Cartwright: No.
• 31:33
  Tracy Cartwright: Okay.
• 31:34
  Tracy Cartwright: And you've shared that you've always felt like there was something missing.
• 31:38
  Tracy Cartwright: Do you have any unusual birthmarks?
• 31:41
  Cherise Squire: No.
• 31:41
  Cherise Squire: Funny enough, I have no birthmarks really.
• 31:46
  Cherise Squire: One thing I can say is I was a very.
• 31:49
  Cherise Squire: I was a very like, deep child, very deep and, and I definitely felt like there was always someone there, like, without a doubt.
• 31:58
  Tracy Cartwright: So that would be your, maybe your invisible friend?
• 32:01
  Tracy Cartwright: That was very,
• 32:02
  Cherise Squire: yeah, just, I just knew someone was there.
• 32:05
  Cherise Squire: Like even, um, when I, just as an example, when I was in school, I would do athletics races and I would always talk to someone before the race.
• 32:17
  Cherise Squire: Like, oh, let's do this.
• 32:19
  Cherise Squire: You know, we can do this.
• 32:20
  Cherise Squire: I would always refer to, we, yeah, just always like talking, always talking, always talking to someone, always.
• 32:27
  Cherise Squire: I always had company as a kid, always had company, but I was very alone.
• 32:31
  Cherise Squire: Didn't, didn't like be, didn't like the crowds.
• 32:34
  Cherise Squire: I could be alone, happy to be alone, but I was always with someone by myself.
• 32:39
  Tracy Cartwright: Mm-hmm.
• 32:40
  Tracy Cartwright: Yeah.
• 32:41
  Tracy Cartwright: Another thing that sometimes that sometimes is a, it shows up is buying two of things or buying multiple of things.
• 32:50
  Tracy Cartwright: Was that something that you did?
• 32:51
  Cherise Squire: That's probably something I do, but I don't know if it's because it comes from a place of, of, um, fear that I may need it or, or if it's like a, a thing of.
• 33:07
  Cherise Squire: Buying.
• 33:07
  Cherise Squire: But yeah, that's actually a very good point.
• 33:09
  Cherise Squire: I'd actually never thought of it in that way.
• 33:13
  Cherise Squire: Yeah,
• 33:13
  Tracy Cartwright: yeah.
• 33:14
  Tracy Cartwright: I, I shared that with someone else recently and they went, ah, yeah, I do.
• 33:19
  Tracy Cartwright: I have to buy two handbags.
• 33:20
  Tracy Cartwright: I have to buy two pairs of shoes.
• 33:22
  Tracy Cartwright: I have to buy two jumpers.
• 33:23
  Tracy Cartwright: If I like one
• 33:25
  Cherise Squire: Yes.
• 33:26
  Cherise Squire: That it always goes through my mind.
• 33:28
  Cherise Squire: It always crosses my mind, especially that if I like something, I'm like, oh, I should get another one just in case.
• 33:34
  Cherise Squire: But.
• 33:35
  Cherise Squire: Um, I, yeah, I never thought of it in that way.
• 33:38
  Cherise Squire: Well, now I've got something else.
• 33:40
  Cherise Squire: You may have planted A seed.
• 33:43
  Tracy Cartwright: Doesn't mean you have to buy a toast.
• 33:46
  Tracy Cartwright: It's the awareness of, oh, why am I choosing to as well?
• 33:49
  Tracy Cartwright: Yeah, definitely.
• 33:50
  Tracy Cartwright: Okay.
• 33:51
  Tracy Cartwright: Interesting.
• 33:52
  Tracy Cartwright: Yes, it certainly, um, opens your eyes to different things and there and there are, there are a number of other things I've cut off the top of my head.
• 34:00
  Tracy Cartwright: I can't quite, those are kind of the highlight things I think for me.
• 34:04
  Cherise Squire: Mm. Well, I think now that I've, I think I go, every time I speak to you, I go another level of deepness and a, a deeper awareness.
• 34:15
  Cherise Squire: So maybe if I do think of anything else, I will definitely let you know.
• 34:20
  Cherise Squire: Yeah.
• 34:21
  Tracy Cartwright: Brilliant.
• 34:22
  Cherise Squire: Yeah.
• 34:22
  Cherise Squire: Thank
• 34:23
  Tracy Cartwright: you so much for being willing to share your story today, and I'm so grateful that you're here, um, sharing and you know, like you say, being able to.
• 34:33
  Tracy Cartwright: Support other people and living your life.
• 34:37
  Tracy Cartwright: Living your life.
• 34:38
  Tracy Cartwright: Thank you very
• 34:39
  Cherise Squire: much.
• 34:40
  Tracy Cartwright: Mm. Just
• 34:40
  Cherise Squire: a quick thing.
• 34:40
  Cherise Squire: I dunno why it keeps popping in my head.
• 34:42
  Cherise Squire: What do you think about the color purple?
• 34:44
  Cherise Squire: I just have purple dinging off in my head.
• 34:46
  Cherise Squire: Like crazy.
• 34:47
  Cherise Squire: Like
• 34:48
  Tracy Cartwright: for you or me?
• 34:50
  Cherise Squire: I feel like it's for me, but I, I,
• 34:52
  Tracy Cartwright: purple is a beautiful color.
• 34:53
  Tracy Cartwright: That's question associated with your, um, crowd.
• 34:57
  Tracy Cartwright: The eye.
• 34:57
  Cherise Squire: Yeah.
• 34:58
  Cherise Squire: But I think actually, now that I'm thinking about it, the day we spoke you said something about purple.
• 35:05
  Cherise Squire: Oh, now it's gonna bug me.
• 35:06
  Cherise Squire: I'm gonna have to go think about that.
• 35:08
  Cherise Squire: There's definitely purple ringing.
• 35:11
  Tracy Cartwright: Okay, well I must have, um.
• 35:14
  Tracy Cartwright: Planted a seed maybe.
• 35:16
  Tracy Cartwright: Yeah.
• 35:16
  Tracy Cartwright: Or activated something.
• 35:18
  Tracy Cartwright: I think purple.
• 35:19
  Tracy Cartwright: I often see purple too with people that are, um, experiencing an awakening.
• 35:24
  Tracy Cartwright: Yes.
• 35:25
  Tracy Cartwright: Or, or that are in that space of being very, um, psychically.
• 35:30
  Cherise Squire: Yeah.
• 35:31
  Cherise Squire: Yeah.
• 35:32
  Cherise Squire: Yeah.
• 35:32
  Cherise Squire: I see that as well.
• 35:33
  Cherise Squire: Lots to think about now.
• 35:35
  Tracy Cartwright: Yeah.
• 35:35
  Tracy Cartwright: Beautiful.
• 35:36
  Tracy Cartwright: Well, thank you so much.
• 35:37
  Tracy Cartwright: I think we'll, we'll leave it there and if anyone who's listening to this, if there's anything that you feel that has, this has brought up for you, if you would, um, please take care of yourself, reach out to someone that you know, someone that you trust.
• 35:51
  Tracy Cartwright: My number is available here for contact and yeah, please look after yourself.
• 35:58
  Cherise Squire: Thank you, Tracy.
• 35:59
  Tracy Cartwright: Thank you.
• 36:01
  Cherise Squire: Speak to you soon.
• 36:02
  Tracy Cartwright: Thank you for listening.
• 36:04
  Tracy Cartwright: Head over to Instagram and tell me what's resonated for you.
• 36:07
  Tracy Cartwright: With this episode, you'll find me at Tracy dot Cartwright.
• 36:12
  Tracy Cartwright: That's Tracy with no e dot Cartwright and the or head over to my website, Tracy cartwright.co nz, and receive a free audio with the gift from your ancestors.
• 36:25
  Tracy Cartwright: So until next time, be kind to yourself and have fun doing it.