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Ep 09: "Why women are..." · Something to Say

• 0:25
  SPEAKER_00: Hello and welcome to another episode of Something to Say with Me, Curry Bhatcha, aka Amritha.
• 0:33
  SPEAKER_00: If you called my last episode with my brother Chaithan and with Gersh, who is a male dating coach, and that episode was titled, Why Are Men?
• 0:44
  SPEAKER_00: This episode is a direct response to it about women.
• 0:49
  SPEAKER_00: And I do hope that both men and women are here to see or hear what I have to say about it and why women are the way they slash we are.
• 1:03
  SPEAKER_00: But of course, before we get into all of that, we are going to timestamp this and talk a bit about what's going on with me.
• 1:12
  SPEAKER_00: So if you're watching this episode on YouTube, hello.
• 1:16
  SPEAKER_00: And you'll see that I'm sporting a brand new hairdo.
• 1:21
  SPEAKER_00: At the time of this episode coming out, I may have already revealed it on Instagram because I'm obsessed with my own hair.
• 1:31
  SPEAKER_00: I haven't had my hair this short in about a decade.
• 1:34
  SPEAKER_00: I cut it into a pixie in 2017.
• 1:39
  SPEAKER_00: And while it's not as short, it's pretty close.
• 1:43
  SPEAKER_00: And it looks a bit like in a grown-out phase.
• 1:46
  SPEAKER_00: But that was on purpose because I wanted to have my texture.
• 1:51
  SPEAKER_00: My natural texture is pretty wavy.
• 1:54
  SPEAKER_00: And so I still wanted it to have some movement and be able to tuck it behind my ears and things like that for how it looks.
• 2:02
  SPEAKER_00: So yeah, that's what I have to say about my haircut and my new look.
• 2:08
  SPEAKER_00: And it's sometimes it's still a little crazy to look at myself and be like, oh my God, what did I do?
• 2:14
  SPEAKER_00: But I'm enjoying it nonetheless.
• 2:16
  SPEAKER_00: I am not going to maintain it in the sense that I am not going to trim or cut it again to be this short.
• 2:25
  SPEAKER_00: I'm actually going to just let the rest of it grow out and just trim the back so it doesn't become like a mullet and have the top catch up to the bottom.
• 2:35
  SPEAKER_00: And then I'll have a bow.
• 2:37
  SPEAKER_00: And yeah, that's my description of my hair to those of you just listening, but to those of you who are seeing, see what I'm talking about.
• 2:45
  SPEAKER_00: And you're probably going to see clips online.
• 2:47
  SPEAKER_00: So you'll understand.
• 2:50
  SPEAKER_00: If you've been listening along, I have been breadcrumbing small details of the man I've been seeing.
• 2:59
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm finally starting to put out videos about our first few dates.
• 3:04
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't want to put anything out too soon because I wanted to enjoy the bubble that we were in and that I was experiencing.
• 3:14
  SPEAKER_00: So I told myself I'll put out the videos when the timing's right, or if we break up, or if we are becoming official.
• 3:25
  SPEAKER_00: So you'll just have to keep following me and seeing what the reveal is of all those little of all those little videos to see why, or to see what's going on with all those clips and where it leads to.
• 3:42
  SPEAKER_00: So yeah.
• 3:43
  SPEAKER_00: It's also the beginning of festival season, especially for Indians.
• 3:47
  SPEAKER_00: Being an Indian, this is how I know.
• 3:49
  SPEAKER_00: Navarra 3 just started.
• 3:51
  SPEAKER_00: Next month is Diwali.
• 3:53
  SPEAKER_00: And in between that there's Halloween, and after Diwali, there's Thanksgiving.
• 3:57
  SPEAKER_00: And then of course we go into Christmas New Year's.
• 3:59
  SPEAKER_00: My birthday is in January, so I still consider it part of the holidays because the people in my life don't get a break after New Year's.
• 4:06
  SPEAKER_00: Two weeks after New Year's is the holiday of me, the festival of me.
• 4:10
  SPEAKER_00: But if you don't know what Navrat 3 is, it literally translates to nine nights.
• 4:16
  SPEAKER_00: And the story behind it is goddess Durga slayed the demon, Mahishasura, who was granted a boon by one of the gods to be essentially immortal or to never be, but more specifically, to never be destroyed by any man or male deity.
• 4:44
  SPEAKER_00: It's one of those things where it's like he was that specific that he was like that no man or male entity can destroy me, therefore underestimating the power of a woman.
• 4:55
  SPEAKER_00: And so goddess Durga was created by all the gods putting their powers together into the form of a woman.
• 5:05
  SPEAKER_00: And so literally every god's power resides in her.
• 5:10
  SPEAKER_00: She rides a tiger as her vehicle, which is so badass.
• 5:15
  SPEAKER_00: And it took her nine nights to destroy Mahishasura.
• 5:21
  SPEAKER_00: And there's another little anecdote about because all it took that much energy, all the gods and all the beings of the world, like energy and power was taken from them to put into Dorga so that she could destroy this demon.
• 5:40
  SPEAKER_00: And therefore, entirety, like the entirety of civilization, like everyone was at a standstill.
• 5:47
  SPEAKER_00: And so in South Indian culture, so I'm familiar from Madras.
• 5:51
  SPEAKER_00: My family is from Chennai.
• 5:53
  SPEAKER_00: Excuse me, Chennai, not Madras.
• 5:56
  SPEAKER_00: Madras is like the British version.
• 5:58
  SPEAKER_00: But anyway, during Novaratri, we have something called Golu, which is pretty much like a tiered showcase of dolls.
• 6:08
  SPEAKER_00: They're literally called bombays, which translates to dolls, that are displayed, and each step has a significance, and it starts with the gods and ends with like common items or like animals, people, just common things.
• 6:25
  SPEAKER_00: During those nine nights, everything was at a standstill.
• 6:28
  SPEAKER_00: Everything was like just a doll staying completely still because all the powers were taken from everywhere and given to Durga so that she could destroy this demon, so that civilization, not society, civilization could continue to move forward peacefully.
• 6:47
  SPEAKER_00: And so the tenth day is called Vijay Dasmi.
• 6:50
  SPEAKER_00: And that significance is for obviously the triumph of good over evil, and it's known for being a great day to learn something and to start afresh.
• 7:01
  SPEAKER_00: So a little extra knowledge there for those of you who didn't know about Novrad 3 and that story and that significance and where it all comes from.
• 7:13
  SPEAKER_00: So yeah.
• 7:14
  SPEAKER_00: And that story is a wonderful segue into talking about women and the sizing up of women, why some of us are the way that we are, why women are hyper-independent, difficult to understand, cranky, whiny.
• 7:33
  SPEAKER_00: Whatever else men tend to assume about women, assume the worst, especially about women, how men are full of complaints that women don't want to be with them and are all single.
• 7:43
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, it's true that we don't want to or have to deal with your bad behaviors, but there is more to it than just that.
• 7:57
  SPEAKER_00: Using myself as the prime example, I'm not sure if it's obvious or not, but I definitely did not think I would be here at this age, which is 35 and single.
• 8:12
  SPEAKER_00: But I will say that sometime around age 30, I was a mix between someone who was very glad to not be in a relationship and tied down by all of that, but also thinking I could be in one.
• 8:28
  SPEAKER_00: I could be in a relationship.
• 8:29
  SPEAKER_00: It would be nice to be in a relationship, and I might as well start trying because it feels like it's the right time.
• 8:35
  SPEAKER_00: And I think that ultimately was society's voice in my head saying that I should be married by now.
• 8:43
  SPEAKER_00: So I have to start putting in that effort.
• 8:46
  SPEAKER_00: And I did.
• 8:47
  SPEAKER_00: I burned out, I put in a lot of effort for quite a few years to, or at least it felt like a lot of years, to to work towards that goal of finding the husband and getting married, and that being the that being the number one effort to be made.
• 9:06
  SPEAKER_00: If you heard a few episodes ago, after the burnout of my last situationship, that was when my whole soul and being went, okay, now I actually want to be in a relationship, like a good partnership that feels really healthy and leads to marriage.
• 9:29
  SPEAKER_00: I do, in fact, want to be married, and I actually want a family, and I I want all these things, and it's not that it's not feeling like it's a societal message to me.
• 9:44
  SPEAKER_00: It is something that it turns out that I do genuinely want, not just something that I think I should be doing by now.
• 9:52
  SPEAKER_00: So with that time, all my single girl desires and habits started to fade away.
• 10:02
  SPEAKER_00: Not all at once.
• 10:03
  SPEAKER_00: It wasn't like I all of a sudden woke up and all these things faded.
• 10:08
  SPEAKER_00: It was gradual.
• 10:10
  SPEAKER_00: What are those single girl things, you ask?
• 10:13
  SPEAKER_00: Here is that list.
• 10:14
  SPEAKER_00: And boys take note.
• 10:16
  SPEAKER_00: I think the women who get it will get it and say, Yes, that's definitely either how I am or how I was.
• 10:23
  SPEAKER_00: And men, if you take note and notice that, yeah, I have dated some women who exhibit this behavior, keep on listening because I'm gonna tell you how and why and where these things could change.
• 10:36
  SPEAKER_00: This is why women are.
• 10:37
  SPEAKER_00: So those single girl things, having to do everything myself the hard way, pretty much, like lugging furniture by myself.
• 10:46
  SPEAKER_00: I have even done the thing where I asked for help but then didn't wait and just started doing it myself anyway, because I was just like, I might as well do it.
• 10:55
  SPEAKER_00: Fixing things with tools specifically, I've had to change my license plate on my car, and I've even had to add a new license plate frame to my car, and it took power tools to have to do that, and that's annoying.
• 11:10
  SPEAKER_00: And I've done other things also in my own home that require power tools, and while I know I can do it, okay, I'm gonna edit that.
• 11:20
  SPEAKER_00: Another thing is insisting or asking a man if he wants to split the tap from a date.
• 11:26
  SPEAKER_00: I've also aggressively approached men to go out on a date or to just be like, you want to have some fun?
• 11:32
  SPEAKER_00: Let's go.
• 11:34
  SPEAKER_00: I'm wanting to travel solo on my own.
• 11:38
  SPEAKER_00: I don't want to be bogged down by someone else's choices.
• 11:42
  SPEAKER_00: I don't want to have to compromise.
• 11:44
  SPEAKER_00: So I go on the trip that I want to go on and do whatever exactly I want to do.
• 11:48
  SPEAKER_00: And pretty much always insisting that I'm fine with taking care of everything, like just doing it myself.
• 11:57
  SPEAKER_00: Then I changed.
• 11:59
  SPEAKER_00: I will now ask a man, any man nearby, to help me out with my luggage or carrying something.
• 12:07
  SPEAKER_00: If I'm struggling, open the door rather than just judge or insist I've got it.
• 12:14
  SPEAKER_00: I can totally fix things with power tools and all the but unless it's a direct danger to me or absolutely needs to be taken care of immediately, I will just leave it.
• 12:30
  SPEAKER_00: Or I will say out loud in in like a manifesting manner that my future man will take care of it.
• 12:38
  SPEAKER_00: Like he'll just take care of that.
• 12:39
  SPEAKER_00: I don't have to.
• 12:41
  SPEAKER_00: I don't offer to pay anymore on dates.
• 12:44
  SPEAKER_00: If you you ask me out, if you ask me out, you pay.
• 12:48
  SPEAKER_00: And which also leads to the fact that like I don't I'm not asking men out anymore.
• 12:53
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not going up to a guy saying, Hey, do you want to go out?
• 12:57
  SPEAKER_00: Do you want to have fun?
• 12:58
  SPEAKER_00: Are you checking me out?
• 13:00
  SPEAKER_00: I don't want to anymore.
• 13:04
  SPEAKER_00: And I mentioned a few episodes ago how how I am definitely more shy now.
• 13:10
  SPEAKER_00: And so it's not really like the shy, it's not like shy, if that makes sense.
• 13:16
  SPEAKER_00: It's just more of a I don't need to go seek it out.
• 13:20
  SPEAKER_00: A man who knows he wants to know more about me or to go out with me or whatever will approach me.
• 13:28
  SPEAKER_00: And that's the kind of vibe I want to put out because that's what I want to receive.
• 13:34
  SPEAKER_00: And I also don't want to travel alone anymore.
• 13:36
  SPEAKER_00: I just don't even have a desire for it.
• 13:39
  SPEAKER_00: I actually want to share an experience with someone.
• 13:43
  SPEAKER_00: I want to show them what I enjoy and I want to know what they enjoy.
• 13:48
  SPEAKER_00: And I want to see if it matches up, or if I'm like, oh, that's actually really fun that I didn't think about that, or I want to have that experience.
• 13:58
  SPEAKER_00: I don't want to have to do everything on my own.
• 14:01
  SPEAKER_00: Even if I insist that I can and I've got it, no problem.
• 14:06
  SPEAKER_00: I want a man to come in and say, I know you can do it, but you don't have to.
• 14:13
  SPEAKER_00: I want to do it for you.
• 14:15
  SPEAKER_00: I would like to take care of this for you.
• 14:19
  SPEAKER_00: And that feels really nice.
• 14:22
  SPEAKER_00: Things like adding air to my tires or anything to do with getting my car fixed.
• 14:28
  SPEAKER_00: I want him to do it.
• 14:29
  SPEAKER_00: I know I can do it, but I don't want to.
• 14:32
  SPEAKER_00: Whereas before, I would be like, okay, I have to get it done and let me look up what it is that needs to be done.
• 14:37
  SPEAKER_00: I would want to make sure I'm coming off as, hey, I know what's going on, and you can't take advantage of me.
• 14:46
  SPEAKER_00: And why does this cost so much?
• 14:48
  SPEAKER_00: Hey, can you reduce the price?
• 14:49
  SPEAKER_00: I would not that I like all of that is necessarily bad, but I think I would just go at it with the wrong attitude or mentality of, oh, I need to come across a certain way like a man so that I don't get taken advantage of, even though I am a woman who's been showing into the same mechanic for the past four or five years.
• 15:10
  SPEAKER_00: And I would like to think that I can trust them and that they haven't taken advantage of me.
• 15:15
  SPEAKER_00: But it's like that mentality, that attitude of coming in hot and being like, hey, don't, versus just I want Amanda to just be like, I got it.
• 15:25
  SPEAKER_00: I'm gonna take care of it for you, or I'm just gonna do it myself.
• 15:28
  SPEAKER_00: Because my brother and I have had that conversation before.
• 15:31
  SPEAKER_00: And he's like, you can easily change that filter, you can easily do this thing by yourself.
• 15:36
  SPEAKER_00: He's like, pull up a YouTube video.
• 15:38
  SPEAKER_00: And the funny thing is, aside from the car, I had done that with my washer dryer.
• 15:44
  SPEAKER_00: I had I had to change the plug-in, fix it, whatever thing.
• 15:48
  SPEAKER_00: I don't even know what it's called, but I looked it up and I followed a YouTube video and I changed it myself.
• 15:55
  SPEAKER_00: It's essentially electrical work.
• 15:57
  SPEAKER_00: That's how I categorize it.
• 15:59
  SPEAKER_00: That is essentially electrical work, and I did it and I did it myself.
• 16:02
  SPEAKER_00: I'm very proud of myself because it works and it works correctly, and I can do it.
• 16:08
  SPEAKER_00: But in an ideal world where you have a man, you could just be like, I don't do it.
• 16:14
  SPEAKER_00: Can you just do it?
• 16:15
  SPEAKER_00: Can you just take care of it?
• 16:17
  SPEAKER_00: And that man goes, Yeah, absolutely.
• 16:21
  SPEAKER_00: So things like that is what I mean.
• 16:25
  SPEAKER_00: I think I also referred to in another episode, Carrie telling Aiden, like from Sex in the City, Carrie telling Aiden that if he keeps doing things for her, but then they don't work out, she's gonna get used, she's gonna go from being used to it to having to figure it all out on her own again.
• 16:43
  SPEAKER_00: And so that's very relatable here of just being like very independent, used to taking care of all this stuff myself, doing things the way that I and then one day just decided to be like, you know what?
• 16:55
  SPEAKER_00: I don't want to have to do that.
• 16:59
  SPEAKER_00: So if I don't have to, I don't want to.
• 17:02
  SPEAKER_00: And then when when a man comes into my life, I can just have him take care of it.
• 17:07
  SPEAKER_00: So taking a step back though from all of that, how did we as women end up in that place where we insist we have to take care of everything, right?
• 17:19
  SPEAKER_00: Or we are this way that we are so hyper-independent and forcing our masculine energy and feeling that if we need to get something done, then we just have to do it our damn selves.
• 17:31
  SPEAKER_00: And my answer to that is we over-corrected.
• 17:36
  SPEAKER_00: More specifically, we over-corrected from the previous generation.
• 17:45
  SPEAKER_00: So, what I mean, the previous generation, so our mothers, grandmothers, more or less, let's think about that.
• 17:55
  SPEAKER_00: They were not necessarily all encouraged to marry for love or even equal partnership.
• 18:03
  SPEAKER_00: There are some women who married for some sense of freedom from their, you know, parents, or it was just something that society told it was imposed upon them.
• 18:13
  SPEAKER_00: This is what they had to do when they did it, because they didn't have necessarily a say in the matter.
• 18:19
  SPEAKER_00: Because they weren't encouraged to speak up or chase their dreams, or we get it, we know.
• 18:24
  SPEAKER_00: And then a lot of women also went from their fathers taking care of them to their husband taking care of them, and that he had to provide in XYZ ways, and the wife maybe doesn't know how to handle the finances, she doesn't know he pays all the bills and he gives her an allowance, which is spent on whatever the kids need, groceries, blah, blah, blah.
• 18:46
  SPEAKER_00: And also the car needs to be fixed, the man takes the car.
• 18:49
  SPEAKER_00: When does the oil need to be changed?
• 18:50
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know.
• 18:51
  SPEAKER_00: The man, my husband's gonna take care of it.
• 18:54
  SPEAKER_00: In a nutshell, I think all that led to a lot of amazing movements for women's liberations and independence, like being able to own property, having our own line of credit, and all this other stuff, like side note, rest in peace, glorious signal.
• 19:14
  SPEAKER_00: I think all of that led itself also to pop culture references where the narrative was heavily pushed that I don't need no man, I can do it all by myself.
• 19:26
  SPEAKER_00: And that all my independent women, throw your hands up for me, right?
• 19:32
  SPEAKER_00: That it is the best thing to be an independent woman and do you can do anything you can do, I can do better, right?
• 19:41
  SPEAKER_00: That's another great one.
• 19:42
  SPEAKER_00: Where it's like whatever a man can do, a woman can do it too.
• 19:46
  SPEAKER_00: You best believe.
• 19:48
  SPEAKER_00: And yes, we don't necessarily, we again, we as women, we don't necessarily need men other than to procreate.
• 19:58
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm definitely not here to say that we shouldn't be so damn independent.
• 20:04
  SPEAKER_00: What I am saying is that in pursuit of proving we are independent and we are capable, fully capable as women, to do whatever it takes and all that it takes, it is really nice to step back and say, Yeah, but I'd like to not have to do it.
• 20:27
  SPEAKER_00: And if I can trust a man to take care of it, I he should take care of it.
• 20:35
  SPEAKER_00: So we forgot to make room for a man to be a man.
• 20:43
  SPEAKER_00: Don't get mad at me about that.
• 20:45
  SPEAKER_00: I'm just saying, from my own experiences as well, is that we complain that nobody man enough has come into my life, but have we really thought about what it means and if we've made space for that, for a man to come in and be a man, and that's not just about being able to take care of like physical needs, it's also like there are other things in our day-to-day life that maybe we're just so used to taking care of because when you are a single woman, you just do take care of these things, and so when someone else comes in, and whether it's in intentionally or quote unintentionally throwing a wrench in our day-to-day, I think we just forget to create the space for them to come in and take care of the things that we don't actually have to take care of.
• 21:48
  SPEAKER_00: So at least this is what I've what so at least this is what I have come to realize.
• 21:54
  SPEAKER_00: I was asked about it on a date, and I was explaining all this when I came to these realizations, which then I was like, I should do a whole episode about it.
• 22:05
  SPEAKER_00: I'm realizing that all of this is coming to the forefront in my mid thirties because when I was younger and dating, I was Like burned out by immature experiences, right?
• 22:27
  SPEAKER_00: I'm talking like late teens, early 20s, people that the metadated immature responses.
• 22:34
  SPEAKER_00: And it's your full your frontal lobe, it's not developed.
• 22:37
  SPEAKER_00: Like that, those relationships could have been better.
• 22:40
  SPEAKER_00: All learning lessons, still grateful for them, but those could have been better, right?
• 22:44
  SPEAKER_00: So then from there, you go, you know what?
• 22:47
  SPEAKER_00: F it.
• 22:48
  SPEAKER_00: I don't need men like that.
• 22:52
  SPEAKER_00: I don't want a boyfriend and spent most of my spent the rest of my 20s with a level of freedom, with a particular level of freedom, and then gaining and owning all this independence, right?
• 23:04
  SPEAKER_00: Situations come up, you got to take care of things, you don't have insurance after 26 anymore.
• 23:10
  SPEAKER_00: You start to like really learn to adult at that point in your 20s.
• 23:15
  SPEAKER_00: And then by the time you hit 30, you go, okay, I know who I am, I know what I can handle, and I feel good about that.
• 23:22
  SPEAKER_00: So then you're in your 30s and you're like, get out of my way, I can handle anything.
• 23:28
  SPEAKER_00: Then you continue to handle everything for a while and start to realize I am so damn tired all the time.
• 23:39
  SPEAKER_00: And men ain't shit because they can't even come in and deal with it.
• 23:44
  SPEAKER_00: But for me, it took a man to come in and fight my habits and make himself the man in our dynamic, to the point that I remembered, or I guess was reminded what it is like to be treated as a woman in a positive way.
• 24:12
  SPEAKER_00: So to be serviced, to be taken care of, to be appreciated, it's really nice.
• 24:21
  SPEAKER_00: Until the woman out there who was saying, like, yeah, I want that, you gotta make space for it.
• 24:26
  SPEAKER_00: So if you go actually onto my Instagram, you'll see story highlights.
• 24:30
  SPEAKER_00: It's still there, and it's titled Salsa Guy.
• 24:34
  SPEAKER_00: He was younger, but he did all these things.
• 24:39
  SPEAKER_00: If even if I made dinner, he would tell me to sit and he would bring me the plate, he would bring the napkin, he would bring a drink over, ball bath.
• 24:48
  SPEAKER_00: He would rub my feet when we would watch a movie.
• 24:51
  SPEAKER_00: I remember the first time he did it, I was like so uncomfortable.
• 24:53
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, What are you doing?
• 24:55
  SPEAKER_00: He was like, I'm just rubbing your feet.
• 24:57
  SPEAKER_00: It's a nice thing to do.
• 24:58
  SPEAKER_00: Is that okay?
• 24:59
  SPEAKER_00: And I was like, Yeah.
• 25:01
  SPEAKER_00: I was just so taken aback.
• 25:04
  SPEAKER_00: He bought me chocolates on our first date.
• 25:06
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, What?
• 25:09
  SPEAKER_00: That it was I still to this day, I've actually never had a man do something like that.
• 25:13
  SPEAKER_00: And Valentine's Day doesn't count.
• 25:15
  SPEAKER_00: It was just like a random day in July that went on, and and the very first time he formally came over to my place, he brought me flowers, and I never mentioned liking flowers, which I love receiving flowers.
• 25:34
  SPEAKER_00: But he just said, I was in Trader Joe's and I saw these and I thought of you, and so I thought you should have them.
• 25:43
  SPEAKER_00: That level of appreciation just for a woman that you're with is like that, yeah.
• 25:55
  SPEAKER_00: But what some of those actions help open my eyes to and help make me realize is that wow, I have never been just simply appreciated this much.
• 26:06
  SPEAKER_00: That whole narrative of I deserve to be treated like a queen, when it was actually happening to me, I was not able to fathom it because I was not used to it because I was so used to being the person that needs to take care of my stuff and that I can buy myself flowers.
• 26:26
  SPEAKER_00: I feel like I'm just quoting a bunch of lyrics now.
• 26:29
  SPEAKER_00: I can buy myself flowers, but when someone else buys me flowers, it's fucking nice.
• 26:37
  SPEAKER_00: It feels really good, especially when it's not I'm sorry flowers.
• 26:42
  SPEAKER_00: It's just simply I saw these and I fought with you.
• 26:48
  SPEAKER_00: I also remember thinking with all of this stuff, I'm like, oh my god, is he falling in love with me?
• 26:53
  SPEAKER_00: Because our timeline, he's eight years younger than me.
• 26:58
  SPEAKER_00: Our I knew our timelines were not all the same in the same place.
• 27:03
  SPEAKER_00: So I was like, it's not gonna work out long term.
• 27:06
  SPEAKER_00: I already know that.
• 27:08
  SPEAKER_00: But him doing all these nice things, my immediate instinct was to keep him at arm's length or push him away.
• 27:15
  SPEAKER_00: And we he finally decided to talk to me about it.
• 27:18
  SPEAKER_00: We ended up, I don't even remember how it came to be, but I remember having a long discussion.
• 27:22
  SPEAKER_00: And eventually he was just like, I still want to date you, but you won't let me.
• 27:29
  SPEAKER_00: I want to take you out.
• 27:31
  SPEAKER_00: I want to take you out to dinner and I want to share things with you, but you're just always so busy, so we only hang out at night.
• 27:41
  SPEAKER_00: And I didn't, I guess I didn't think about that as an option of even if we were casually dating, there is a component to dating that's still really fun and enjoyable, where two people are hanging out and sharing things and just things are cute.
• 28:00
  SPEAKER_00: So it made me realize my own behavior and what it is that I was turning away or keeping away.
• 28:09
  SPEAKER_00: So when it did end, I was hurting in a way that was not heartbreak.
• 28:15
  SPEAKER_00: It was the realization that all those bits of service and comfort and appreciation were going away, and I had come to really enjoy it because I could finally be feminine again.
• 28:31
  SPEAKER_00: And I was only able to be feminine because I had someone around who was masculine and taking care of these little things and taking care of me.
• 28:43
  SPEAKER_00: So him going away, that factor going away, meant that I had to go back to being masculine 100% of the time.
• 28:51
  SPEAKER_00: And that thought sucked.
• 28:54
  SPEAKER_00: And that is not something that came to me immediately.
• 28:58
  SPEAKER_00: Literally, I was like, I'm upset, but I'm not heartbroken and I don't know what this is.
• 29:06
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know why I'm upset.
• 29:08
  SPEAKER_00: And it took talking to some friends and talking about masculine and feminine energies to really come to this realization.
• 29:16
  SPEAKER_00: And the I think the other side of that was this realization that, or this revelation that a man this much younger than me brought this out of me.
• 29:32
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't expect that he would be the one to bring out these revelations.
• 29:39
  SPEAKER_00: But his maturity level and behaviors were unexpected because you expect a man your age to get mature with as they get older.
• 29:50
  SPEAKER_00: But something about younger men being that mature is so surprising because we are also taught as a society that, like, oh, boys will be boys and boys are slow to mature, and all this other stuff.
• 30:04
  SPEAKER_00: So when you come across someone who shows more maturity or emotional maturity or whatever, all this stuff, it's really it catches you off guard, right?
• 30:14
  SPEAKER_00: Sex in the City example.
• 30:16
  SPEAKER_00: Samantha famously ends up dating Smith, who is significantly younger than her.
• 30:21
  SPEAKER_00: And of course, we know Samantha as a hyper-independent woman, right?
• 30:27
  SPEAKER_00: She's a bad bitch, and that's and that is her character.
• 30:31
  SPEAKER_00: We love her for it, we appreciate her for it.
• 30:34
  SPEAKER_00: She helped get Smith's career going, and he found that to be sexy and was genuinely appreciative of the fact that this hot woman is also helping him achieve his dreams, and he was so appreciative of her.
• 30:50
  SPEAKER_00: But Samantha couldn't really let him in fully in a way that was soft and feminine until her cancer diagnosis.
• 31:04
  SPEAKER_00: And he and Smith was still there for her through every stage of that.
• 31:09
  SPEAKER_00: And as a deeply supportive partner that she finally knew that she could lean into and rely on and be with some of the old Samantha would still show up, right?
• 31:25
  SPEAKER_00: And push him away and say, No, you should be with other women, and you're young, you're hot, go get wine, you don't need to be with me.
• 31:32
  SPEAKER_00: She even at one point tells him he's welcome to sleep with other women while he's on location for a film.
• 31:38
  SPEAKER_00: And then later on, he's really sweet and kind and caring, leans into it and walks it back.
• 31:45
  SPEAKER_00: And she's like, You know how I said you could sleep with whomever.
• 31:49
  SPEAKER_00: Try not to.
• 31:50
  SPEAKER_00: Unless you already have, in which case that's okay.
• 31:54
  SPEAKER_00: And he kind of chuckles and he said, I haven't, and I don't plan to, or whatever his response specifically was.
• 32:01
  SPEAKER_00: And like, how many of us have been there as a woman?
• 32:04
  SPEAKER_00: Even to other friends, like, hey, do you lie?
• 32:06
  SPEAKER_00: Is this okay?
• 32:07
  SPEAKER_00: It was totally fine if not.
• 32:10
  SPEAKER_00: We've all been there at some point.
• 32:11
  SPEAKER_00: I still do it.
• 32:12
  SPEAKER_00: I know I don't have to do it, but I still do things like that.
• 32:14
  SPEAKER_00: Where it's like, it's totally fine if you can't.
• 32:18
  SPEAKER_00: But we know, we know Samantha to be so hyper-independent and also like always playing the field kind of thing.
• 32:26
  SPEAKER_00: So for her to finally to see her as a character finally go from such a fierce bitch, like in the in a good way, to letting a man in to help make her a little bit soft and accept monogamy is super, super endearing.
• 32:50
  SPEAKER_00: And not to I was gonna say not to toot my own horn, but yes, I'm gonna toot my own horn for a second.
• 32:55
  SPEAKER_00: I've definitely made that change where I went from being kind of a man-eater, not trusting men, not want, don't come in and ruin my my thing that I have going on, which yes, there is there that that's still valid to some extent.
• 33:13
  SPEAKER_00: I am now more of, hey, you know what would be really nice if the right man came in and just took care of things for me.
• 33:22
  SPEAKER_00: I did that work though.
• 33:25
  SPEAKER_00: I have healed and I did the shadow work.
• 33:28
  SPEAKER_00: If you're not familiar with shadow work, it is the self-exploration practice of uncovering, understanding, and integrating the unconscious, repressed, or hidden parts of your psyche.
• 33:39
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, I looked up the definition because I wanted to be able to explain it as effectively as possible.
• 33:44
  SPEAKER_00: So I had these experiences, and it led to having to figure out these little bits of why am I this way?
• 33:59
  SPEAKER_00: And what is it that I want to change?
• 34:02
  SPEAKER_00: Because what experiences did I have that made me go, huh, I actually really like that.
• 34:09
  SPEAKER_00: How do I get more of that?
• 34:11
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, I have to change a behavior.
• 34:14
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, I have to change this behavior.
• 34:16
  SPEAKER_00: Where does this behavior come from?
• 34:17
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, this behavior comes from XYZ narrative.
• 34:20
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, it takes a little bit of that.
• 34:23
  SPEAKER_00: So in doing that work, I figured out that it's best to have the man in the relationship be the man.
• 34:38
  SPEAKER_00: Have him be the one that not only makes me feel safe, but comforted, taken care of, appreciated, respected, and you know, is not making my life worse.
• 34:57
  SPEAKER_00: Going back to, yeah, we don't want to or have to deal with the men who are simply terrible.
• 35:03
  SPEAKER_00: But what we want is a man who will come in and be an asset.
• 35:10
  SPEAKER_00: And it took a patient man to bring that out of me as well.
• 35:17
  SPEAKER_00: That it was a man that noticed and asked the questions around it and wasn't afraid to implement like being that manly energy, that masculine energy, and give me the space to navigate that or give me the time to have that conversation and figure that out.
• 35:37
  SPEAKER_00: Right?
• 35:38
  SPEAKER_00: Like him rubbing my feet and me being like, Well, why?
• 35:41
  SPEAKER_00: And he's like, Is this okay?
• 35:43
  SPEAKER_00: And I also remember him asking me at some point, like, don't you?
• 35:46
  SPEAKER_00: He's like, I'm just doing nice things because I enjoy it.
• 35:48
  SPEAKER_00: Don't you like doing nice things for people?
• 35:51
  SPEAKER_00: And I was like, when you put it that way, yeah, it is nice to be there for people.
• 35:58
  SPEAKER_00: And especially when you have, we we're there for our friends in one way because we love them, right?
• 36:04
  SPEAKER_00: And so even if you are just simply attracted to a person, you can still want to do nice things for them without it meaning that like you've fallen in love, which maybe you have, but it doesn't have to, it also doesn't have to be that deep, but it has to, there has to be space for it to be able to say, wow, someone did a nice thing for me.
• 36:26
  SPEAKER_00: Like I know for me, sometimes when a like in the past at least, when a friend pays for something, I'm like, oh my god, I gotta pay them back, or I gotta buy something else for that.
• 36:34
  SPEAKER_00: And like that's not what every dynamic is, and that's not how every relationship is, even in a friendship, right?
• 36:40
  SPEAKER_00: It's also just the appreciation of, uh oh, thank you.
• 36:42
  SPEAKER_00: And then that's it.
• 36:43
  SPEAKER_00: And maybe you do get them back in the future, or maybe you don't, but I'm sure that you're there for that friend in a different way that they need it.
• 36:53
  SPEAKER_00: I'm sure it all works out.
• 36:55
  SPEAKER_00: It's the same thing in this way that it's like, oh, someone did something nice for me because they wanted to help, and this is the way that they wanted to help, and it was helpful.
• 37:02
  SPEAKER_00: As long as it didn't cause a bigger problem, it was helpful.
• 37:07
  SPEAKER_00: So that patience, some men, the patience for handling a woman like this who is maybe hyper-independent, giving her the space to navigate it, saying the words like, I know you got it, but I'd like to do this for you, showing that care appreciation, that sense of service of hey, I get it, I see it, but I'm here.
• 37:39
  SPEAKER_00: And I want you to know that you can ask me for it, and I'll be happy to figure it out for you.
• 37:48
  SPEAKER_00: I am happy to be the woman that I am today.
• 37:52
  SPEAKER_00: All of those experiences and all of that shadow work and everything has come to a place where I can say I am the kind of woman that I want to be in a relationship with a man.
• 38:10
  SPEAKER_00: The woman who is completely capable, but is still able to make space for the man to be a man.
• 38:18
  SPEAKER_00: Because at the end of the day, I'm just a girl.
• 38:24
  SPEAKER_00: If this really resonated with you, welcome.
• 38:28
  SPEAKER_00: I hope this nudges you forward to figure out your shadow work.
• 38:36
  SPEAKER_00: And if it is you, and if you have already done that work and you really are just like, no, these men out here are just not able to get it together.
• 38:48
  SPEAKER_00: I hope you also find the patience.
• 38:50
  SPEAKER_00: And maybe you take a page out of my book and find an astrologer, Julie Thabaria of mine, I suggest her, to see what you are meant for.
• 39:01
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe human design.
• 39:03
  SPEAKER_00: What kind of person are you?
• 39:05
  SPEAKER_00: I believe that all this work really helped me figure out how to be this woman.
• 39:12
  SPEAKER_00: And to the men listening, I hope you learned a little something.
• 39:16
  SPEAKER_00: I hope this makes sense for why women are the way that we are, and what will help you create that space for yourself in maybe a hyper independent woman's life.
• 39:36
  SPEAKER_00: I hope you're all happy, healthy, and blessed this number three season as we go into all the holidays.
• 39:45
  SPEAKER_00: Take care, and I'll see you on the next one.