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How to Choose Your Birth Partner: 6 Questions From an OBGYN · Life After Birth by Her Health Room

• 0:00
  Have you thought about who's gonna be your birth partner?
• 0:02
  I have seen all different types: the anxious, the calm, the fighter, like so many different types.
• 0:08
  And I recently had my third baby, and this was the first time that I had someone other than my husband in the room.
• 0:13
  The first baby we had, it was just my husband in the room.
• 0:16
  I thought I'd wanted my mom, and then I felt at that point it might not be fair to have my mom and not his mom, and all of these things came into play, and the easiest thing was to go with just my husband.
• 0:26
  During COVID, it was again just my husband, and this time because they'd limited the number of birth partners.
• 0:30
  So now this was a real opportunity for me to have a second birth partner for me, not thinking about family politics, not thinking about who should be in the room, who shouldn't, who deserves to see the baby first, any of that.
• 0:40
  And I went to my sisters.
• 0:42
  Now before I go into this video, I should tell you who I am.
• 0:45
  My name is Remi.
• 0:46
  I'm an obstetrics and gynecology doctor with more than 10 years of experience.
• 0:50
  I'm now a mother of three, and on this channel I just want you to navigate the pregnancy and the postpartum period with safety, clarity, and support.
• 0:58
  So subscribe to join the community, to learn facts, and to be empowered on your own journey.
• 1:02
  If you've had the baby, I have a, recovery check-in for you which will tell you where you are on your recovery journey after having a baby and what things you should focus on in the next 7 to 30 days.
• 1:12
  But let's go back to the video.
• 1:13
  So I went to my group chat with my sisters and I said,"Who wants to be in the room when I'm having the baby?" And for me it was a great opportunity to have one of my sisters present, I love my sisters, to have some female support in the room, and to just have another person.
• 1:25
  And not replace my husband,'cause he's a great birth partner, but just to add a different flavor and a different sense to the room.
• 1:30
  And I will talk about that a bit later on.
• 1:32
  In this WhatsApp group there was a lot of I don't wanna be there.
• 1:35
  I'm scared.
• 1:36
  It's gonna be gross," blah, blah, blah.
• 1:38
  But one sister volunteered, and I'll tell you a little bit later in this video what she actually provided for me in the laboring room.
• 1:44
  But coming back to my doctor hat, I've seen so many different types of birth partners.
• 1:48
  And given the experience I've just had, I wanna make sure that you leave this video with a set of questions for the people that you are going to choose, you choose to have in the room to make sure that you are supported, you are heard, and you have as close to an experience as you would like when you're having a baby I have made a series of my pregnancy journey so far, and I will go on to make one about my postpartum journey.
• 2:11
  And again, this is all to give you some safety points, give you some clarity where you are on your journey, and support you.
• 2:17
  I had an induction.
• 2:18
  I was booked for an induction.
• 2:19
  And I went to the hospital and told my sister it was time for her to come because they were now at the stage where they could break my water, send me to the labor ward.
• 2:26
  My girl came in with a handbag, some fruit, and a pasta salad that I'd asked for.
• 2:30
  I kinda was like,"Where's your suitcase?"'Cause this girl had no intention of staying beyond a few hours.
• 2:37
  I don't think she really clocked that labor could take 12 hours, a whole day, and I'm not quite sure what she would've done if it went on for much longer than it actually did.
• 2:46
  But she kinda skipped into the room, really with no expectation.
• 2:49
  And I had no expectation of her as well because for me it was an opportunity for, yes, to have a different energy in the room, but also for one of my sisters to see and experience birth.
• 2:57
  Because I do this every day for work.
• 3:00
  This is something that unless, like, you're having a baby yourself, you're never really gonna get a real vibe for.
• 3:05
  And what they show you on TV is just not real But my sister and my husband were with me as we waited for my waters to be broken, just general chitchat.
• 3:13
  And then obviously as my waters broke and my contractions picked up, things became real.
• 3:18
  And so I'd kinda told my sister,"Look, take pictures'cause I really wanna experience it." I told my husband to take pictures as well.
• 3:24
  And one of them delivered and the other did not.
• 3:27
  And that's fine because they're also two different personalities.
• 3:29
  My husband isn't a picture-taker, to be fair.
• 3:31
  But it was like I wanted to make sure that my girls could see what labor had been like for me, see what their brother was like, all of this stuff.
• 3:38
  And for me to have like things to look back on,'cause this whole pregnancy I've really enjoyed looking back at my first daughter, my second daughter, and it's something that I'm not usually quite sentimental but it wasn't something that I thought I'd enjoy looking through.
• 3:50
  So I definitely wanted pictures or videos of what I feel was going to be m- my last ever sort of labor or delivery.
• 3:58
  And she delivered on that.
• 3:59
  And what was unexpected for me was that she was also just doing things without being asked.
• 4:04
  And again, like I will keep saying, she's different from my husband but they're both good.
• 4:09
  So my husband's more of a solid presence in the room and she was very much like a, What can I do for you?" type of presence.
• 4:18
  So there were times where I was in pain, and obviously your sisters just react to things differently, she would like run in to rub my back before I'd even ask.
• 4:27
  She was speaking up for me with the midwife when it wasn't super clear that I'd been heard.
• 4:32
  And just like those little nuances.
• 4:34
  Whereas my husband who's also a doctor as well is not phased by labor so was very much just observing, being that quiet, solid presence.
• 4:43
  And very much aware of what's going to happen next, like this is not his first rodeo.
• 4:47
  And he was unflappable.
• 4:48
  And again, I think you need that as well.
• 4:50
  And I will list the different types of characters that I've seen on the labor ward and which people you really don't want in the room, with you at all as we go through this video at one point I'd asked for an epidural, I'd said it a couple of times, and I think my husband just trusted that they were gonna do it.
• 5:05
  But the midwife been like,"Oh, are you sure you don't wanna wait?
• 5:08
  Are you sure you don't wanna give it some more time?
• 5:09
  I think you can do this, Remy.
• 5:11
  I think you can do this." And my sister was like,"Why do you keep asking her?
• 5:14
  She wants an epidural.
• 5:16
  Why are you against it?" And I think even those words, the midwife at that point was like,"No, no, no, I'm not against it.
• 5:22
  And after that she didn't bring it up again, which I felt was good'cause no one had withheld the epidural from me.
• 5:28
  But I did definitely get a sense that the midwife didn't approve of the epidural.
• 5:33
  And not that I cared, but having that statement from my sister reaffirmed me and also silenced her and I think that's, that's the importance of sort of quiet advocacy.
• 5:42
  You're challenging without fighting, without being rude, but getting the point across.
• 5:46
  And again, I think it helps to change the mood in the room.
• 5:49
  So as I list the different types of birth partners I've seen, and experienced myself, I want you to be asking this question: Is this the right person for me?
• 5:59
  In your pregnancy and you'll have an idea of people that you would want in the room with you, and you loving them and them loving you is not enough of an excuse for them to be present at what is typically a really stressful time.
• 6:11
  What you want is who is going to prioritize my stability over their discomfort, because they can become uncomfortable whilst in the room.
• 6:19
  So the different types of people I've seen when walking into labor wards is the calm anchor, which I think I describe my husband as.
• 6:26
  Just someone who's present, who's there, you know they have your back, but they don't need to be loud about it.
• 6:31
  And they understand what's going on, and if they're concerned they will chime in with the right questions at the right time.
• 6:37
  So there is that, and I think that type of person is good, especially if you're an anxious personality.
• 6:41
  If you're a quiet personality and so you might want someone to speak up for you, you might want someone else in the room with you as well as your calm anchor I've seen other people who are quite attentive, so understand what's being said, can, I'd say, not a translator because obviously you as the pregnant person, you know what's going on.
• 6:59
  But they're attentive, they're listening to the plans from the doctors and the midwives.
• 7:02
  They understand why they're saying the next thing and they can ask gently, why are we doing this?
• 7:07
  What are the options?
• 7:08
  What are the alternatives?" That's a really good person to have in the room, and I think a partner typically plays that role because they have your interest and the baby's interest at heart, and they wanna know why that next intervention has been suggested.
• 7:21
  So I think that's really important to have that type of person in the room And then you could have the person who's more practical"Have some water.
• 7:27
  Let me rub your back.
• 7:28
  Have a quick grape." Again, great person to have in the room.
• 7:31
  I've seen that be sisters, friends, partners, doulas even when they're really, like, hands-on.
• 7:36
  I think that's that's the type of person that if I walk into a room and see, I'm like,"Oh, that's sweet." Like, that person really knows to care for them.
• 7:43
  Now sometimes that practical support person could also be really jittery and nervous and have a lot of nervous energy, and the only way they know how to express is by doing something.
• 7:52
  And sometimes I've seen women become overwhelmed by someone offering them water every 30 seconds or rubbing their back or patting their head when they don't want it.
• 8:02
  And if your partner is likely to fall into that I'm nervous, I'm gonna do stuff trap, it's having a really clear conversation that like,"Yes, I want you to do these things, but actually at a point it can become irritating." I remember my first labor when I was laboring at home, one of my sisters was rubbing my back, like we were still at home, and I was just like,"Get your hand off me." Like, it just wasn't something I wanted at that time.
• 8:23
  And being with someone who knows when to give and knows when to withdraw is also really important So going down that sort of anxious energy, there are some people who are super anxious, super nervous, they don't know what to do with themselves, and they can veer on being super helpful.
• 8:38
  But they can also veer on being super unhelpful.
• 8:41
  So they're so nervous or anxious that they're likely to faint themselves.
• 8:45
  Like, there are times where I've run in to a fainting partner whilst the woman's pushing.
• 8:50
  Bro, we are not here for you.
• 8:51
  Like, we do not have the energy for you at this point in time.
• 8:55
  Let's focus on the woman at hand.
• 8:56
  And I'll never ever, ever forget where the emergency buzzer was pulled because a partner fainted.
• 9:01
  We run into the room and the woman is actively pushing.
• 9:04
  The head is close to being delivered.
• 9:06
  And she leans up from bed to look over to see that her partner's okay and starts freaking out about her partner.
• 9:13
  And we're all like,"No, no, no.
• 9:14
  Focus.
• 9:14
  He's fine.
• 9:15
  He's just fainted.
• 9:16
  This baby needs to come out.
• 9:18
  Let's focus on the issue at hand." And so anxiety in a partner could be a good thing, but it can also be really bad and really distracting.
• 9:24
  And if you know you're with someone who's prone to fainting, who doesn't like looking at blood Like, the number of times I've walked into a room and the partner's, like, gazed through the window'cause he, he's scared, then just don't have them there.
• 9:35
  Let them stay home.
• 9:36
  Like, I think we've normalized in modern, in the modern society that the partner, the father has to be there.
• 9:43
  But if you go back years, and even in some cultures and society now, the men aren't allowed in the room.
• 9:47
  It's just for the women, and then they come and see the baby afterwards.
• 9:50
  And that has to be okay sometimes, and it doesn't have to be him.
• 9:54
  So I do think knowing who you're with, yes, they'll wanna be present, yes, they'll wanna be involved, but if their personality and disposition doesn't cater for that, then don't put them through it.
• 10:05
  Don't put yourself through it.
• 10:06
  And now other things I've seen, the angry birth partner.
• 10:09
  And so this, again, person is probably nervous, underlying nervous.
• 10:13
  They don't want anything to go wrong with their partner.
• 10:16
  They don't want anything to go wrong with their baby.
• 10:18
  And they're in an environment which they feel like they've got little control over.
• 10:21
  And that nervousness comes out as anger.
• 10:24
  And so I've seen this play out if, say, the woman's in pain, and they're waiting for an epidural, and it's just taking a really long time to come.
• 10:31
  And instead of them trying to help soothe and make the person who's in pain relaxed, they then start shouting at the midwife, shouting at the doctor, walking out the room, stomping up and down And what that does is it contributes to a negative environment.
• 10:45
  It interferes with how the midwife and the doctors then interact with the birthing person.
• 10:50
  And I know you should think that clinicians are bigger than that, but no, every atmosphere in a birthing room is co-created through if a midwife or the doctor is super rude, And therefore the birthing person is super defensive, not interacting, that's a co-creation of a situation, and vice versa.
• 11:08
  So where there is anger, I often think that does affect not just the experience of the birthing person, but sometimes to an extent can affect the outcome, of the birth as well.
• 11:18
  Picking someone who you think is likely to inflame a situation is not ideal.
• 11:23
  And speaking as someone who's been on the other end of partners shouting and pointing fingers in their face, it's just not great for the person who's delivering at all.
• 11:33
  It doesn't help them feel more calm, feel more seen, feel more protected.
• 11:38
  And I can completely understand that doesn't always stem up from anger, can sometimes come from nerves, but it's not helpful.
• 11:45
  And so what we would say is advocacy then becomes combative.
• 11:49
  And I think on the other side of that, a true advocate understands what's going on, understands the need of the person having the baby, and can communicate that clearly and respectfully for everyone involved so that the person feels safe, seen, and heard.
• 12:03
  And I just think that's ultimately the aim.
• 12:05
  Like, when you're picking someone to support and represent you whilst you're having a baby, you want to feel safe, you wanna feel seen, and you wanna feel heard, and you want a good outcome, of course And the last person I tend to see, is like the detached spectator.
• 12:18
  And I've called it that because in this day, or distracted spectator, in this day and age, like we're all on our phones.
• 12:24
  You'll have your phone with you.
• 12:25
  You'll have your laptop with you.
• 12:27
  And I had to have a really honest conversation with my husband, like,"I don't want you to be dealing with anything work-related while I'm in labor," because his work doesn't finish at a typical nine to five.
• 12:36
  And he understood that.
• 12:38
  But if you have someone that's constantly on their phone, on their laptop whilst you're having a baby, that is so unhelpful.
• 12:44
  And I've been in rooms where I go in, introduce myself as a doctor, speaking to the woman who's having the baby, and their partner is on their phone or on their laptop, not engaged, not asking questions, and it's like, why are you here?
• 12:57
  Like, if you're not gonna help the person there, go home and just come back and see the born baby.
• 13:01
  Do us all a favor And so I think the six questions that you wanna ask before choosing someone, firstly is can I be completely myself?
• 13:10
  Can I be frightened?
• 13:11
  Can I be exposed both emotionally and physically to this person, and will I still have their support?
• 13:16
  Can I be angry?
• 13:18
  Can I be unreasonable around this person?
• 13:21
  Can I lose it and that person will still just stand there and hold my hand and support me?
• 13:26
  Like, I've sometimes seen mums, so the mother of the birthing person in the room, who is, like, shushing the woman, telling her to behave, storming out, picking that time to have a family fight.
• 13:36
  You don't need any of that extra stress.
• 13:38
  So can I be my full self?
• 13:40
  Do I feel like I need to censor myself around this person?
• 13:43
  Like, those are really good questions to ask to know for sure if you're picking the right person.
• 13:49
  Another thing I say that you should ask is do they calm me or do I regulate them?
• 13:53
  And I think, again, if you have a parent who is super emotional and they're in the room with you, and then you're parentified and having to calm them down, not good for you.
• 14:03
  Same with your partner.
• 14:04
  Same with a sister or a friend.
• 14:05
  If you're the calm friend and you're the one that has to regulate them, don't have them in the room.
• 14:10
  Have them see the baby afterwards Can they listen to me?
• 14:12
  Like truly listen, not, Oh, you said I want an epidural," and then they're like,"Well, the pros and cons of an epidural are blah, blah, blah, blah." But like can they hear you and take action as opposed to project manage you?
• 14:23
  That's another really good question that you should be asking yourself the next one would be can they advocate for me without creating conflict?
• 14:30
  So can they express my needs and my wants without it being a fight?
• 14:34
  Can they speak properly?
• 14:35
  Again, not for the benefit of the staff, although you should be respectful, but also just for the benefit of the atmosphere.
• 14:41
  Like, you don't want your partner shouting at the midwife and then two seconds later you're then asking the midwife for, like, some water and whatever.
• 14:48
  Like, of course, it's their duty, they have to do it, but the atmosphere in the room I think needs to be preserved, and your birth partner can help with that And if plans change, as they can in labor, can this person cope or will they be a nervous wreck?
• 14:58
  Can they understand that things might change and they need to be your steady rock as it's changing and not losing their head and not making you feel worse or even more nervous, right?
• 15:10
  Like again, when we're doing cesarean sections, if the man is super nervous, all the woman really can see at that point is the anesthetist, so the doctor who does the epidural or spinal, and their partner, and the rest is a blue curtain.
• 15:21
  So what you want them is to see a solid smiling face.
• 15:25
  And the anesthetic doctor tends to do that really well, but you also want your partner or the person that you've chose to support you in the birth to do that.
• 15:31
  And I just think there's no shame in not having your partner present.
• 15:34
  Like, it really doesn't have to be him.
• 15:36
  I've seen so many birth partners, whether they're sisters, mothers, doulas, like, and the person on the other end of it does feel supported Will they be available?
• 15:45
  And can they be available for a long time?
• 15:47
  And so I think this is the bit that I didn't convey to my sister.
• 15:49
  Like, she cleared her calendar, which was great, but, I didn't tell her that it could be 12 hours.
• 15:53
  So that person needs to know it could be 12 hours, it could be two days.
• 15:56
  Like, can they actually be with you and support you and stay a- well, not stay awake,'cause you all have to sleep, but, be on when they're needed to be on.
• 16:04
  Can they do that?
• 16:05
  I think that's an important thing to consider So once you've chosen the person, make sure that your birth preferences are clear.
• 16:11
  So preferences, like your plan and your preferences, and talk them through it.
• 16:14
  So your preferences are fluid and flex, and I've definitely seen partners who have literally refused on behalf of their partner for an epidural, being adamant, like,"You said you didn't want it.
• 16:27
  You said you didn't want it." And then the person being like,"Yeah, you're right.
• 16:30
  I don't want it." And then an hour later they'll ask for it again, and then they get talked down.
• 16:34
  No.
• 16:35
  There has to be room for flexibility, and The person you pick to be in the room with you has to allow you change your mind when you have new information, and be flexible.
• 16:43
  So share your preferences with them, but make sure that you, I guess, even preempt caveats that things might change, your decisions might change, and hopefully they're someone that can support that flexibility and not hold you to a decision you made when you were not in pain and then give them things to do, like what to provide for you food-wise, how much water you want, how much rest they need, how much rest do you need.
• 17:04
  And you know, if they're tired, which is the benefit of having two, one can sleep while the other one's on, and vice versa.
• 17:12
  Um, and those are ways to prepare your birth partners And I guess for yourself, know what you want.
• 17:16
  Are you, do you wanna be touched?
• 17:18
  Would you prefer motivational speech?
• 17:19
  Would you prefer distraction with some Netflix?
• 17:21
  Whatever you think would make you feel most comfortable, convey that to them, so again, beforehand, so they can show up for you in the way that you need them to If you're preparing for birth, send this video to someone that you want to support you during your labor.
• 17:34
  And if you've had the baby, congratulations, and take my postnatal recovery check-in questionnaire down below to understand where you are on your journey and what you can focus on over the next 7 to 30 days to make your recovery much better.
• 17:46
  Because what we want to do is thrive through pregnancy and postpartum and not just survive.
• 17:51
  Why don't you watch a video on natural ways I try to induce labor if you are still pregnant and trying to get into labor?
• 17:58
  But until next time