Latest / Inner Work With MaryAnn Walker: Life Coach for People Pleasers / 168: Am I A Jerk Now? How to Set Boundaries Without Becoming the Villain

Transcript

168: Am I A Jerk Now? How to Set Boundaries Without Becoming the Villain · Inner Work With MaryAnn Walker: Life Coach for People Pleasers

• 0:20
  Well, hello and welcome back.
• 0:22
  Have you ever wondered if you would turn into a big, fat jerk face if you stop people pleasing?
• 0:27
  I know a lot of people worry about this.
• 0:29
  In fact, there are groups and threads and videos all over the internet where people are asking the question, am I the a-hole?
• 0:36
  Because they're very much in their heads wondering if they're the ones in the wrong, if they're just not seeing themselves clearly, if they're coming across as too harsh or if they made the wrong decision.
• 0:45
  And you know what?
• 0:45
  I have totally been there.
• 0:47
  I have wondered if I was a big fat jerk just because I stated a boundary.
• 0:51
  I wondered if I was a horrible human for admitting that I also had needs in relationship.
• 0:55
  I have questioned if my tone was too strong or if it wasn't strong enough, or if I was the bad guy in some way and honestly, sometimes I've even wondered if things would've just been easier if I had just accommodated the other person like I usually do, because speaking up really ruffled some feathers.
• 1:11
  And I know that I am not alone in this.
• 1:15
  In fact, many helpers then they carry that secret fear that, well, if I do stop accommodating everybody, if I speak up, if I take a break, then I'll hurt somebody, I'll disappoint somebody.
• 1:25
  And if I become that version of me, nobody's gonna love me anymore and I'll end up alone.
• 1:31
  But here's the truth.
• 1:32
  Setting boundaries doesn't make you a big fat jerk, even if somebody tells you that you're a big fat jerk.
• 1:39
  In fact, learning how to honor your own needs is what allows you to show up more fully and more honestly, and also more sustainably.
• 1:46
  In relationship.
• 1:48
  I mean, right now you're probably feeling super burned out and that's why you feel the need to state a boundary in the first place, right?
• 1:53
  Because this is not sustainable for you.
• 1:56
  But when you start to state boundaries, then things do actually become significantly easier.
• 2:01
  Yes, they might be a little bit tricky in the beginning, but ultimately they're going to become significantly easier.
• 2:07
  Now when you start to state boundaries, then here's what usually happens.
• 2:12
  First of all, everybody around you has to adapt.
• 2:14
  You've never done this before.
• 2:15
  If you're listening to this podcast, this is a new idea for you.
• 2:18
  So this is new for everybody around you.
• 2:22
  Not only are you learning how to state boundaries, but the people that you're engaging with, they're also learning how to adapt to your boundaries, which is something that they have never done before either.
• 2:32
  So it can be very uncomfortable for everybody involved.
• 2:35
  You are feeling uncomfortable'cause you're doing something brand new and they're feeling uncomfortable because they're also having to learn how to do something brand new.
• 2:41
  They're having to learn how to respect and respond to your boundaries.
• 2:46
  So basically everybody's feeling a little bit uncomfortable and when that happens, you might even be accused of being a big fat jerk.
• 2:53
  It can get messy when you're trying to create this change because other people have gotten used to you being the one who always says yes.
• 3:00
  The one who always picks up the slack.
• 3:02
  The one who doesn't complain, the one who doesn't rest, the one who never pushes back.
• 3:06
  And so when you are suddenly saying, well, actually no, I do need to take a break right now.
• 3:12
  Or maybe you're saying, you know what, yeah, that's not gonna work for me anymore.
• 3:15
  Then people might look at you like, okay, something must be deeply wrong.
• 3:19
  Are you broken?
• 3:20
  What has happened to you?
• 3:22
  Because you are the person that's usually always fixed everything for me.
• 3:25
  And so they may be feeling very confused, and they may even tell you that you are being rude because they just want their needs met.
• 3:32
  And this should be simple for you.
• 3:33
  Right.
• 3:33
  You should be more accommodating.
• 3:35
  You should be more kind.
• 3:37
  You shouldn't be asking this of me.
• 3:39
  I can't believe that you're not doing this thing for me that you've always traditionally done for me.
• 3:42
  And so, yeah, they might call you selfish, and they might also say, well, you're being overly dramatic right now.
• 3:49
  It's not that bad.
• 3:50
  It's not that big of a deal.
• 3:51
  You should be able to accommodate this for me.
• 3:54
  Or they might tell you, Hey, you're being really rude right now, but that doesn't mean that you're necessarily doing anything wrong.
• 4:01
  Okay.
• 4:02
  It just means that you're doing things differently than the way that you used to do them.
• 4:07
  And when you're doing that, you are disrupting a pattern.
• 4:10
  And disrupting patterns can be a challenge, right?
• 4:14
  Anybody who has tried to break a habit, they know how hard it can be to break that pattern.
• 4:18
  When you have a pattern of reaching for that late night snack or of turning to social media, or of turning to whatever it is that you turn to, it can be hard to break that pattern.
• 4:28
  Even the good patterns, even wanting to state boundaries, wanting to work out.
• 4:32
  It can be a challenge to break the pattern of what it is that's been not helpful and supportive for you and step into something new.
• 4:38
  There is a bit of discomfort that comes from upsetting the status quo, and honestly, we don't talk about that enough.
• 4:44
  We don't talk about the discomfort of breaking the pattern when we're talking about helping and serving and being there for other people, being that people pleaser, being overly giving or overly accommodating of other people being overly self-sacrificing.
• 4:57
  So that's one part is just coming to fully understand that, yeah, it's going to be a bit uncomfortable and also it's going to be okay.
• 5:05
  I know that I've said it here on the podcast a million times, but I'm gonna say it again.
• 5:09
  You are going to be experiencing discomfort in this life no matter what.
• 5:13
  It is just a part of life.
• 5:15
  So you can either continue to feel uncomfortable by maintaining the status quo, or you can lean into the discomfort of creating something that's a bit more sustainable for you, something that might actually give you a shot at getting your own needs met.
• 5:30
  Okay, so now let's get back to this whole, am I a big, fat jerk thing?
• 5:32
  Okay.
• 5:33
  So one other thing that starts to happen when the helpers start to set boundaries is that they might actually swing really hard in the opposite direction.
• 5:42
  They have been on this extreme side where they've been overgiving, overserving, and so yeah, they might be over on that side for a long time where they just have this super pleasant voice and they say yes to everything and they're always smiling and they've been really extreme on that side.
• 5:56
  And so they might swing and become the opposite of that, where now they're not smiling, they're being extremely stern.
• 6:01
  They might even be a little bit more spicy and aggressive in their explanation of what it is that they're looking for in that moment.
• 6:08
  So yes, it is possible to swing to the far side, and also it's kind of like when somebody asks, am I the narcissist?
• 6:15
  It's highly unlikely that someone who is truly a narcissist.
• 6:19
  Is even going to ask that question.
• 6:21
  On the flip side of that, it's highly unlikely that someone who is always wondering, am I being a big fat jerk?
• 6:27
  Probably they're not being as cruel as they think that they are in their mind.
• 6:31
  Okay?
• 6:31
  So yeah, they might actually come across as being a big fat jerk for a little bit.
• 6:35
  But mostly that happens when you've allowed yourself to become burned out for far too long.
• 6:41
  So when you're feeling that burnout, that's when things are a little bit more spicy.
• 6:45
  Okay?
• 6:46
  So you might find yourself saying no to everything.
• 6:49
  You're tired, you're over it.
• 6:50
  And when this happens, then yeah, your tone is a bit sharper than it needs to be.
• 6:55
  And that's normal.
• 6:57
  That's what happens when you're speaking through that lens of burnout.
• 7:00
  And the goal is to recognize that you're approaching burnout a little bit earlier than you have previously.
• 7:07
  Usually, for you, you probably don't recognize that you're in burnout until you're absolutely done.
• 7:11
  You're ignoring all of the symptoms.
• 7:14
  This is just like with physical pain.
• 7:15
  When you're ignoring your physical pain until you simply can't tolerate it anymore, things are probably significantly worse.
• 7:21
  It's the same thing with the people pleasing and with the burnout.
• 7:24
  The goal is to recognize the warning signs earlier so that you can state a boundary before it's gotten out of control for you.
• 7:33
  So if you have discovered that maybe you're a little bit more spicy than you intended, then acknowledge that, love yourself, and adapt and change as needed.
• 7:41
  Have some self-compassion that, okay, well that was actually pretty abrupt and that was a little bit harsh.
• 7:47
  Have some self-compassion that, yeah, that was probably a little bit more abrupt and a little bit more harsh than I anticipated.
• 7:52
  Have that self-compassion.
• 7:54
  If things are starting to feel a bit more abrupt or reactive, that doesn't mean that the boundaries are the problem.
• 7:58
  It just means that your nervous system is recalibrating to this new way of living and being, and that's a new thing.
• 8:05
  It's a new trick that you're learning.
• 8:07
  Alright?
• 8:08
  So you can't always circle back to the conversation.
• 8:10
  You can always clarify what it is that you meant to say.
• 8:12
  You can always apologize.
• 8:14
  You can go and make that repair in the relationship if what you said was a little bit hurtful.
• 8:19
  It is not the end of the world if you need to apologize.
• 8:22
  It's going to be okay.
• 8:25
  And also boundaries don't have to be aggressive to be firm.
• 8:29
  And you don't have to be perfect at it before you start.
• 8:33
  In fact, you can still be making progress even if you're doing things imperfectly.
• 8:37
  So be willing to practice, practice, practice.
• 8:40
  Boundaries are a skill, which means that you're probably not going to nail it on your first try and that's okay.
• 8:46
  It's kind of like riding a bike at first, you're a little bit wobbly, so you might overcorrect or overreact.
• 8:52
  And when you do that, you might fall off of your bike altogether.
• 8:55
  You might get a scraped knee that injures you.
• 8:57
  You might crash into somebody else and might hurt them as well.
• 9:01
  But eventually, and with practice, you're going to find your balance.
• 9:05
  So practice and take some time after you've stated a boundary to do a little bit of a self-assessment.
• 9:10
  And when you're self-assessing, remember that this is not pass fail.
• 9:14
  It's not did I do a good job or not.
• 9:17
  But it's really looking at things a little bit more closely.
• 9:20
  It's breaking it down into different categories.
• 9:22
  So you might ask yourself, where did I do well?
• 9:25
  How can I improve for next time?
• 9:27
  You might ask questions like, okay, what was my tone like when I set that boundary?
• 9:31
  Was I kind and clear, but firm?
• 9:33
  Was I a little bit too spicy and aggressive with them?
• 9:36
  What were the words that I chose to use?
• 9:38
  Were the words that you chose to use explanatory, like, oh, hey, I just need you to understand how this impacts me and what it is that I'm gonna do moving forward, or were my words accusatory, like, I can't believe that you did this to me.
• 9:49
  Just notice that for yourself.
• 9:51
  Ask yourself, did I communicate a boundary clearly or did what I say sound more like an ultimatum?
• 9:56
  Now, as a reminder, a boundary is an if then statement.
• 10:00
  So a true boundary is going to state what it is that you are going to do if the behavior continues.
• 10:06
  So a true boundary might sound like if you're running late, I'm just gonna have to meet you at the concert because I don't wanna miss the beginning.
• 10:12
  Or it might sound like if you raise your voice to me again, I'm going to be leaving the room.
• 10:16
  Or it might sound like if you choose to continue to share things that I've shared with you in confidence with other people, I'm no longer going to be sharing those things with you.
• 10:24
  It's not about controlling the other person, but it's about honoring yourself.
• 10:28
  So if you're in that space right now, if you're tired of being everything for everyone, if you're ready to start being someone for yourself, I want you to know that you don't have to do this alone.
• 10:38
  You do not have to be a big, fat jerk face, and you're also probably doing a bit better than you think.
• 10:43
  This does take some work.
• 10:44
  It does take some courage.
• 10:46
  It does take some intention, and sometimes it does require a little bit of external support.
• 10:51
  And that's what I'm here for.
• 10:52
  So if you're ready to start setting boundaries without burning bridges, if you're ready to reclaim your time, your energy, and your peace, I would love to work with you.
• 11:00
  You can reach out to me through my website or DM me on social media, all the links here in the show notes, but let's build those boundaries together, one brave step at a time.
• 11:09
  Additionally, I just want to remind you that I'm currently gauging interest for a course, specifically designed for the empaths.
• 11:15
  For those that would like to learn some practical tools around how to process their own emotions while also allowing other people to do the same.
• 11:23
  We're gonna be talking about how to set energetic boundaries, how to distinguish between your emotions and the emotions of others.
• 11:28
  Now for this course, I'm looking for just 15 to 20 people.
• 11:31
  And so if this interests you, then be sure to join my wait list so that you can be the first to know when doors are open for registration and snag your seat for this small group event.
• 11:40
  Now, honestly, I'm unsure if I'm going to be doing this course again, so if this is something that interests you, then take advantage by joining my wait list.
• 11:47
  You can click the link in the show notes for more information about that.
• 11:50
  Um, and yeah, I'm excited to see you there.
• 11:52
  Also, if you're interested in my one-on-one sessions, I do have some spots opening up for this month.
• 11:57
  So I encourage you to come and work with me if you have any questions about coaching, if you're wondering if we'd be a good fit for each other, if you're wondering how coaching can help you with your situation, specifically, I am offering free consultation calls.
• 12:09
  You can also find that link in the show notes, so click the link and it will allow you to schedule a free 20 minute consultation call where I can just coach you for 20 minutes, you can ask questions to see if we might be a good fit for each other, but go ahead and take advantage of those free calls.
• 12:22
  I do have some time dedicated to those calls each week and I would love to visit with you.
• 12:27
  Alright, well here's to stating boundaries without being a big, fat jerk face.
• 12:31
  Let's talk again soon.
• 12:32
  I hope you have a great week.
• 12:33
  Bye now.