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Freed from Addiction: Tyler Miller's Testimony · The Becket Cook Show

• 0:02
  Speaker 1: Life Audio.
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  Speaker 2: You are listening to The Becket Cook Show with your host,
• 0:12
  Speaker 2: Beckett Cook. For more information about Beckett and his ministry,
• 0:16
  Speaker 2: visit his website at Beckettcook dot com. To help support
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  Speaker 2: Please consider subscribing to the podcast and leaving a five
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  Speaker 2: star rating.
• 0:38
  Speaker 3: Hey, guys, welcome to the show. Today.
• 0:39
  Speaker 4: I have a special guest, Tyler Miller. He has an
• 0:42
  Speaker 4: amazing story of how God transformed his life. This is
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  Speaker 4: a great story for anyone who has a prodigal in
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  Speaker 4: their family. This will give you a lot of hope.
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  Speaker 4: It's a very fascinating story. But first award from our sponsor.
• 1:00
  Speaker 4: Please welcome Tyler Miller.
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  Speaker 1: Yes, hello, thank you so much for having me. Becket,
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  Speaker 1: I'm so honored to be here.
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  Speaker 4: Oh it's good to have you on. This was all
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  Speaker 4: last minute. I'm so glad you could make it work.
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  Speaker 4: So let's start with your story.
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  Speaker 1: You where were you, Where were you raised?
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  Speaker 3: What part of the country were you raised in?
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  Speaker 1: Yeah? So, actually on both coasts. So I was born
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  Speaker 1: in Pennsylvania. That's where my dad is from and where
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  Speaker 1: he grew up. And then we moved to California when
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  Speaker 1: I was seven. And so I actually grew up in
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  Speaker 1: way northern California, right under the border of Oregon, in
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  Speaker 1: a town called Etna, California.
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  Speaker 4: That's very remote and random. And you but you say
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  Speaker 4: you grew up in a in a Christian home. Your
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  Speaker 4: parents were Christians?
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  Speaker 1: Yes, yeah, they were in my my grandparents on my
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  Speaker 1: dad's side, and yeah, we my dad was actually even
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  Speaker 1: in the Christian camping ministry, and so we grew up
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  Speaker 1: and while we did, he was sort of doing that.
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  Speaker 1: That's what he did in California. So we were definitely
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  Speaker 1: in church our whole life. And yeah, surrounded by God's
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  Speaker 1: people and even ministry, which was awesome.
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  Speaker 4: And what was it you say that you know your
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  Speaker 4: your parents, you had kind of a tricky relationship with
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  Speaker 4: your parents, Like what was that like?
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, so growing up was like I have awesome parents.
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  Speaker 1: I just want to start there. They are so great,
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  Speaker 1: they've been they're great friends of mine now, like we've
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  Speaker 1: had so much healing in our lives. But growing up,
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  Speaker 1: my dad and mom were very much at odds with
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  Speaker 1: each other. My dad was under a really intense spirit
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  Speaker 1: of anger that was kind of like a generational thing.
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  Speaker 1: In his family. And then my mom, she has a
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  Speaker 1: crazy testimony of her own, but she was under a
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  Speaker 1: lot of I would just say, fear of different kinds,
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  Speaker 1: and so that mixture was just not really working in
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  Speaker 1: our home. And so, yeah, growing up for me, there
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  Speaker 1: was a lot of like trying to appease my dad
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  Speaker 1: or you know, not I didn't want him to be
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  Speaker 1: angry or different things like that. And so as a kid,
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  Speaker 1: that was kind of hard to navigate. And because my
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  Speaker 1: parents were really kind of in friction with each other,
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  Speaker 1: it led to eventually them getting divorced when I was thirteen,
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  Speaker 1: and that was kind of like a shattering thing for
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  Speaker 1: me because I didn't have language to like what to
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  Speaker 1: do with that, because I knew as Christians, like we're
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  Speaker 1: supposed to stay together, what is this? And so I
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  Speaker 1: really had to kind of navigate that. And that was
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  Speaker 1: also at you know, thirteen years old, which is a
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  Speaker 1: really rough right.
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  Speaker 4: I mean, it's interesting, you know, I talk about this
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  Speaker 4: in a new book I'm writing about divorce, and I
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  Speaker 4: remember as a kid, even as like you know, a
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  Speaker 4: thirteen year old, my biggest fear in life was my
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  Speaker 4: parents divorcing. Like my parents never divorced. They stayed together
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  Speaker 4: till the very end, and they died six months apart.
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  Speaker 3: But oh my gosh, and they're with Jesus now.
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  Speaker 4: But but that it's a weird. I mean, it's a
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  Speaker 4: weird kind of like insecurity. And I mean because divorce
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  Speaker 4: brings so much insecurity into your life, and so I
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  Speaker 4: can't imagine like the what that feels like when your
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  Speaker 4: parents divorced, especially at that kind of like tricky of
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  Speaker 4: an age where you know, everything is kind of happening
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  Speaker 4: all at once. But you say, your dad so, and
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  Speaker 4: you felt like you were walking on eggshells like around
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  Speaker 4: your parents or your dad, right.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, I think I just at an early age,
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  Speaker 1: it was just the way our family was at home,
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  Speaker 1: and like my dad had he's like my dad and
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  Speaker 1: I have this amazing relationship now and he's been like
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  Speaker 1: really healed so much of these things by the Lords
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  Speaker 1: of praise God. But at that time, like he didn't
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  Speaker 1: know what he didn't know about the spirit and freedom
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  Speaker 1: and like all these things, and so he was just
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  Speaker 1: kind of living in and how he maybe was raised
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  Speaker 1: or what he saw modeled. And so you know, people
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  Speaker 1: are living what they know and then you're a recipient
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  Speaker 1: of whatever that might be. And so yeah, so I
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  Speaker 1: felt like I had to walk on eggshells and I
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  Speaker 1: really wanted to appease him, and I think that directly
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  Speaker 1: ended up connecting to my relationship with God long term
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  Speaker 1: as an adult, as it often does. Right, we see
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  Speaker 1: God the Father like our earthly father. But God the
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  Speaker 1: Father is perfect and our earthly fathers aren't, so we shouldn't.
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  Speaker 1: But that's such a common thing that we do. And
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  Speaker 1: so I started believing from a young age that I
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  Speaker 1: had to appease God, and like maybe even that he
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  Speaker 1: was always mad at me or something. And so there
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  Speaker 1: was this tie between those two things that was a
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  Speaker 1: really crazy thing to walk through.
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  Speaker 4: And you say that you got saved at summer camp
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  Speaker 4: when you're seven years old in northern California, to talk
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  Speaker 4: about that, what happened at that moment?
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  Speaker 1: Yes, yeah, So I was at a camp called Kidder
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  Speaker 1: Creek Orchard Camp in northern California, and my uncle actually
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  Speaker 1: worked there. So Christian camping was the family business, all right,
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  Speaker 1: It's what everybody did. So so yeah, I remember sitting
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  Speaker 1: around a fire one night at camp and they gave
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  Speaker 1: the invitation to salvation and I knew at a really
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  Speaker 1: young age, like I knew what I was doing and
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  Speaker 1: I wanted to accept Christ. And I know that that's
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  Speaker 1: when I got saved because I had I lived differently
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  Speaker 1: than my friends growing up, like I had conviction of sin.
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  Speaker 1: I didn't live in just craziness or anything like in
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  Speaker 1: high school like a lot of my friends did. I
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  Speaker 1: was walking on a narrow path. And so yeah, I
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  Speaker 1: just from that age like knew that God was real.
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  Speaker 1: I knew that Jesus died for me and that I
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  Speaker 1: wanted to be in relationship with him and so that
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  Speaker 1: was so that was such a special gift at seven
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  Speaker 1: years old to get to step in that early. So yeah,
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  Speaker 1: that's kind of how it happened at camp.
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  Speaker 3: Wow.
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  Speaker 4: Well and then what age did sex attractions start seeping
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  Speaker 4: into your life?
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, as I've thought about that as I've gotten older,
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  Speaker 1: it's one of those things that I think was there
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  Speaker 1: from really early on, and maybe even around that same time,
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  Speaker 1: like seven five to seven years old. I praise God,
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  Speaker 1: it wasn't from abuse in my situation. I know that's
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  Speaker 1: a really common thing, but it was just this awareness
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  Speaker 1: that I had of like other boys, that I was around,
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  Speaker 1: and you know, attractions are different probably when you're a kid,
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  Speaker 1: but there was just this awareness of that or what
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  Speaker 1: i'd call a pull toward that from a really young age.
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  Speaker 4: And how did you handle that in terms of your
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  Speaker 4: faith in Jesus? How did you like put that together
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  Speaker 4: in your head?
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, I don't think I realized too much about what
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  Speaker 1: was going on until around the time of the divorce,
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  Speaker 1: and like puberty and junior high then it started getting like, oh,
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  Speaker 1: this is like there's something real going on internally and
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  Speaker 1: with those hormones and stuff. It was like I'm feeling
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  Speaker 1: this very strongly. And now, yeah, I don't know what
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  Speaker 1: to do. I know, because I have conviction of sin.
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  Speaker 1: Like I always knew this was not God's will for me,
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  Speaker 1: and I knew what the Bible said about it, like
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  Speaker 1: I learned I think growing up like right from wrong.
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  Speaker 1: But I just thought like, well, I guess I just
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  Speaker 1: have to hide it and try to force it down
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  Speaker 1: and that'll fix it, because that's normally what does it.
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  Speaker 1: But so yeah, I just really I think entered into
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  Speaker 1: a time of like I'm gonna bottle this in. And
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  Speaker 1: that's what Satan loves. He loves to keep us in
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  Speaker 1: silence and isolated, because then it can start eating you
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  Speaker 1: from the inside out. Yeah, and so that's largely what
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  Speaker 1: I experienced in my teenage years. It was like just
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  Speaker 1: hide it and lock it down kind of.
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  Speaker 3: And then you became addicted to pornography.
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  Speaker 1: Mm hmmm yeah around that same age, Yeah, I discovered pornography,
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  Speaker 1: and then that became this way of like, Okay, I
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  Speaker 1: can I can secretly live this life and no one's
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  Speaker 1: going to see it, but then outwardly I won't live
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  Speaker 1: it because I know I can't do that outwardly. But
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  Speaker 1: again there's like this secrecy with it. And so, you know,
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  Speaker 1: like any addiction, it starts off light enough, but then
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  Speaker 1: it got its hooks in me and it lasted actually
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  Speaker 1: for eighteen years. It went on and on and on,
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  Speaker 1: and it became like a defining factor of my life.
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  Speaker 1: And what I believed at that time, mistakenly, was that
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  Speaker 1: that was my identity, like I'm an addict. I'm homosexual
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  Speaker 1: but not sort of but not really, and I can't
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  Speaker 1: admit it, and I just lived in this shame cycle.
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  Speaker 1: This like self hatred in this shame cycle started from
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  Speaker 1: a really young age, and I'd want to be free.
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  Speaker 1: I'd want to quit, and we always tell ourselves we're
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  Speaker 1: going to, but then it would just rise up and
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  Speaker 1: grab me again, and I would keep giving into it
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  Speaker 1: over and over.
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  Speaker 4: And so then and by the way, so when were
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  Speaker 4: your parents aware? Were they aware of this, that you
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  Speaker 4: were dealing with this?
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, I kept this lockdown four years. I'm sure they
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  Speaker 1: could tell because of ways that I was acting or
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  Speaker 1: things that I was maybe saying or hinting at, but
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  Speaker 1: like I did not tell them until I think I
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  Speaker 1: was in college. Then I leveled with them. Yeah, as
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  Speaker 1: the Lord actually like brought me to a place where
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  Speaker 1: I could start sharing. It was amazing how that addiction
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  Speaker 1: and the lifestyle of homost sexual attraction started losing ground
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  Speaker 1: even then, Like it took a long time, but it
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  Speaker 1: started once I brought it into the light. It really
• 10:34
  Speaker 1: started changing things. And so the exact opposite of what
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  Speaker 1: you would think, like I'll just hide this till it
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  Speaker 1: goes away, but it's like, no, bring it into the light.
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  Speaker 1: Let the light of Jesus touch it, like be vulnerable
• 10:45
  Speaker 1: and honest and healing can begin. But until then you
• 10:48
  Speaker 1: really don't get to experience it. So I think I
• 10:51
  Speaker 1: was about eighteen or nineteen when I told my mom
• 10:53
  Speaker 1: and dad at separate times about what I'd been going through.
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  Speaker 3: And what was the reaction.
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  Speaker 1: I remember I was met with a lot of grace
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  Speaker 1: and mercy because I actually think, like I tell people
• 11:07
  Speaker 1: this now that I will like counsel with or you know,
• 11:11
  Speaker 1: just kind of walk with through these things. I'm like,
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  Speaker 1: what you're actually telling your parents is good news because
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  Speaker 1: you're telling them in this case, I'm not living this.
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  Speaker 1: I don't desire to live this. I actually desire to
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  Speaker 1: live for God. But I'm struggling with this. And I
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  Speaker 1: think that's probably a lot if your parents can like
• 11:29
  Speaker 1: not freak out at that, if they can just realize, like, wow,
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  Speaker 1: my son, my daughter is being vulnerable and God's gonna
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  Speaker 1: set them free, Like it can actually be a thing
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  Speaker 1: where you can meet them with grace. So I know, Yeah,
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  Speaker 1: when I told my dad, he especially like just really
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  Speaker 1: was like I love you no matter what you are
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  Speaker 1: going through, which was so key. That was so great.
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  Speaker 1: So I really appreciate that that was their yeah, response.
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  Speaker 3: That's a good answer.
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  Speaker 4: So, and then what happened when you went you went
• 11:57
  Speaker 4: off to college in Seattle, and how did that because
• 12:01
  Speaker 4: and you were you became a theater major, I believe,
• 12:05
  Speaker 4: and Seattle because we know Seattle's you know, you say
• 12:10
  Speaker 4: you say.
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  Speaker 3: That you know the churches. All the churches are gay,
• 12:13
  Speaker 3: you know.
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  Speaker 4: Like there and I mean there's rainbow flags on most
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  Speaker 4: of the churches at Seattle and the gay pastors everywhere.
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  Speaker 3: So what was that like for you? Like, were you
• 12:24
  Speaker 3: tempted to like join a gay church and just become
• 12:29
  Speaker 3: a gay Christian? Like what was that like for you?
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  Speaker 1: Yeah? Man, there were so many times where in like
• 12:35
  Speaker 1: the private places of my mind, I was I was
• 12:38
  Speaker 1: just wrestling and it was such a hard issue. And
• 12:41
  Speaker 1: again because I thought it was my identity. I was
• 12:44
  Speaker 1: wrestling with those questions like did God make me this way?
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  Speaker 1: Why is He not healing me? Should I just go
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  Speaker 1: find a church that will just tell me what I
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  Speaker 1: want to hear? But here's the thing, y'all, Like, here's
• 12:55
  Speaker 1: the thing about the fear of the Lord, Like the
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  Speaker 1: fear of God keeps us on the narrow half. And
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  Speaker 1: so even though I didn't necessarily I wasn't living in
• 13:04
  Speaker 1: like righteousness and freedom at that point, the conviction of
• 13:07
  Speaker 1: the Holy Spirit in me kept me on the straight
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  Speaker 1: and narrow, even though I was fighting against him because
• 13:13
  Speaker 1: God is so so good, it's so yeah. So I
• 13:17
  Speaker 1: thought about it and I looked around, but I was
• 13:19
  Speaker 1: like I just knew in my like the deepest part
• 13:22
  Speaker 1: of me, like this is not God's will, this is
• 13:25
  Speaker 1: not his best, this is not what he designed me for.
• 13:28
  Speaker 1: And I can't just go to a church like this
• 13:31
  Speaker 1: or affirm it. But I had very strong feelings emotions
• 13:35
  Speaker 1: telling me to do the opposite. And then you're surrounded
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  Speaker 1: by a culture. You know, there are gay pastors, there's
• 13:41
  Speaker 1: rainbow flags on the churches. There's a lot of great
• 13:43
  Speaker 1: churches in Seattle to that are like biblical. Awo. I
• 13:47
  Speaker 1: just had never seen that in my life where I
• 13:49
  Speaker 1: grew up in stuff like these rainbow flags and pastors
• 13:52
  Speaker 1: that had a husband in the parsonage, and I'm like what,
• 13:55
  Speaker 1: like what is this? So yeah, so I definitely considered it.
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  Speaker 1: And then the theater culture like doesn't help in terms of.
• 14:03
  Speaker 4: Like, yeah, were your classmates and and you're in the
• 14:07
  Speaker 4: program like where they're like you need to be who
• 14:09
  Speaker 4: you are, like come out Like were they pressuring you?
• 14:12
  Speaker 1: Yeah, they actually didn't know about this, Like I again,
• 14:16
  Speaker 1: they probably could tell from how I was like presenting
• 14:18
  Speaker 1: myself at the time. I wore a lot of deep
• 14:20
  Speaker 1: bes back then. Back I'm not proud of it, okay,
• 14:23
  Speaker 1: but it was it was part of the journey to healing.
• 14:26
  Speaker 4: Okay, I forgot about the DV day was terrible.
• 14:32
  Speaker 1: We're going to stay away from those and we bud
• 14:34
  Speaker 1: all the pictures. So it's fine, there is but uh no,
• 14:37
  Speaker 1: the Yeah, my classmates, I didn't tell people that like
• 14:41
  Speaker 1: weren't believers. I kept that like just away from that
• 14:45
  Speaker 1: subgroup kind of. But my Christian friends actually lived my
• 14:49
  Speaker 1: roommate freshman year I had gone to high school with
• 14:52
  Speaker 1: and we both got into the same acting school and
• 14:55
  Speaker 1: we lived together the first year, and he opened up
• 14:58
  Speaker 1: and said that that was some he was struggling with,
• 15:00
  Speaker 1: which actually helped me to open up about it. And
• 15:03
  Speaker 1: then we kind of made this pact of like, Okay,
• 15:06
  Speaker 1: well we're going to beat this thing. We're going to
• 15:08
  Speaker 1: like stand against it. And in my life I've seen
• 15:11
  Speaker 1: the Lord take me like out of this stuff, and
• 15:13
  Speaker 1: then in his life he actually ended up giving into it.
• 15:16
  Speaker 1: So I told some of my close people like him.
• 15:20
  Speaker 1: But yeah, my classmates, yeah, they would have said that
• 15:22
  Speaker 1: like that's what the messaging was in Seattle is like,
• 15:25
  Speaker 1: whatever you feel, whatever your emotions say, is who you
• 15:28
  Speaker 1: are and you need to run full speed toward that.
• 15:31
  Speaker 4: So yeah, and so with the acting, I mean, why
• 15:35
  Speaker 4: didn't you, for example, like after college, why didn't you
• 15:38
  Speaker 4: move to Los Angeles to pursue acting on a grand
• 15:42
  Speaker 4: scale kind of thing?
• 15:43
  Speaker 1: Yes? Yeah, So I was actually working pretty consistently as
• 15:47
  Speaker 1: an actor in Seattle for three years, but then I
• 15:50
  Speaker 1: was actually seen in a show and offered the chance
• 15:53
  Speaker 1: to go to grad school. So I ended up doing
• 15:55
  Speaker 1: that instead. I think I had thought about moving to
• 15:59
  Speaker 1: New York because I was or feater centric, but but yeah,
• 16:03
  Speaker 1: grad school came up and I was like, this is
• 16:05
  Speaker 1: a great opportunity because then I could be a professor,
• 16:08
  Speaker 1: and like all these different options opened. So I ended
• 16:11
  Speaker 1: up doing that back in twenty fifteen, I think was
• 16:15
  Speaker 1: the first year of grad school.
• 16:16
  Speaker 3: And how old were you when that when you went
• 16:18
  Speaker 3: to grad.
• 16:18
  Speaker 1: School, I was twenty five. I just turned twenty five.
• 16:22
  Speaker 4: Okay, so this was after the when you were twenty
• 16:24
  Speaker 4: four and you had that experience which.
• 16:26
  Speaker 3: Were yees okay, So okay, so let's talk about that now.
• 16:33
  Speaker 4: So you what you were twenty four years old and
• 16:38
  Speaker 4: you had this moment with God. This is kind of
• 16:40
  Speaker 4: like a major turning point for you. So what happened
• 16:44
  Speaker 4: in that?
• 16:45
  Speaker 1: Yeah? Yeah, So, like I said, so, I had grown
• 16:48
  Speaker 1: up in the church. I was always like a good
• 16:50
  Speaker 1: kid like all these you know, I'm sure there's a
• 16:53
  Speaker 1: lot of people that watched this show and have a
• 16:55
  Speaker 1: similar testimony, Like I was a church kid. Why did
• 16:58
  Speaker 1: this stuff happen to me? What's going on? But so,
• 17:00
  Speaker 1: like I always knew the right answers to things, but
• 17:03
  Speaker 1: I wasn't experiencing victory or freedom. And so I remember
• 17:06
  Speaker 1: I was doing my final show in Seattle and it
• 17:09
  Speaker 1: was like a hit. It was getting really well reviewed.
• 17:12
  Speaker 1: I was getting good reviews, Like I had this chance
• 17:15
  Speaker 1: to go to grad school. So on the surface, I
• 17:17
  Speaker 1: had everything lined up for me to be successful in
• 17:19
  Speaker 1: my life. And by twenty four I was like, this
• 17:22
  Speaker 1: is crazy. I have all these opportunities. But I remember
• 17:25
  Speaker 1: I came home from the show and it was like
• 17:28
  Speaker 1: I had been hit by a truck of depression. And
• 17:33
  Speaker 1: even though I didn't like myself during those years, because
• 17:35
  Speaker 1: I was in this shame cycle and just believed I
• 17:37
  Speaker 1: was an addict and never would get free. I didn't
• 17:40
  Speaker 1: typically sit in depression. So I remember that night I
• 17:45
  Speaker 1: come home from the show and it's like I feel
• 17:47
  Speaker 1: so heavy, and I actually start having a panic attack,
• 17:50
  Speaker 1: which I had never had in my entire life. I
• 17:52
  Speaker 1: didn't know what was happening to me. So I called
• 17:54
  Speaker 1: my dad and I was like, Hey, I am panicking.
• 17:57
  Speaker 1: I don't know what to do. I don't know what
• 17:59
  Speaker 1: this is. And he told me, he said, that sounds
• 18:02
  Speaker 1: like spiritual warfare, and you need to take that to
• 18:04
  Speaker 1: the Lord. I think that's what's going on. It's actually
• 18:06
  Speaker 1: something spiritual, not just circumstantial. So I finally leveled with
• 18:10
  Speaker 1: God that night, and I got real honest, which I
• 18:14
  Speaker 1: encouraged any person to do, Like, get honest with where
• 18:17
  Speaker 1: you're at with the Lord. Get vulnerable. He wants to
• 18:19
  Speaker 1: set you free. So basically how I level with God
• 18:24
  Speaker 1: is that I tell him, Lord, I've been a Christian
• 18:27
  Speaker 1: since I was seven. I've lived on the straight and
• 18:30
  Speaker 1: narrow path. I actually haven't given into this lifestyle my temptation,
• 18:34
  Speaker 1: Like I have fought this so hard and I'm not
• 18:36
  Speaker 1: getting free. I've tried to get prayed over, I've gone
• 18:39
  Speaker 1: to church. I'm leading worship, and I feel like I'm
• 18:41
  Speaker 1: living a double life, and I'm so tired of being addicted,
• 18:45
  Speaker 1: and I'm so tired of feeling these homosexual feelings and attractions.
• 18:50
  Speaker 1: And so I get my journal out and I'm like,
• 18:52
  Speaker 1: if this is what being a Christian is, this is
• 18:55
  Speaker 1: not what I signed up for. This is not an
• 18:57
  Speaker 1: abundant life. And I'm tired of hearing every one around
• 19:00
  Speaker 1: me say, how you know God spoke this to me,
• 19:03
  Speaker 1: God spoke that to me, And I feel like you've
• 19:05
  Speaker 1: never spoken to me. I feel like you don't want
• 19:07
  Speaker 1: to speak to me, and I feel like you're against me,
• 19:10
  Speaker 1: and so you have to speak to me right now.
• 19:13
  Speaker 4: So I've got the ultimatum.
• 19:16
  Speaker 1: That's great, all right, I'm an actor. It had to
• 19:18
  Speaker 1: be dramatic, get okay. So I get my journal out
• 19:22
  Speaker 1: and I just start free writing in my journal and
• 19:26
  Speaker 1: I'm writing all my emotions and I'm not really making sense.
• 19:28
  Speaker 1: And then suddenly this line comes out of my pen
• 19:31
  Speaker 1: into my journal, and it said, I knew what you'd
• 19:34
  Speaker 1: struggle with when I created you, and I decided to
• 19:37
  Speaker 1: create you anyway, and at that moment.
• 19:42
  Speaker 4: So it just kind of like it came out just
• 19:44
  Speaker 4: kind of involuntarily, that line.
• 19:46
  Speaker 1: Yeah, like I'm writing like kind of nonsense, just like emotionally,
• 19:50
  Speaker 1: and then this like perfectly crafted line of wisdom comes
• 19:54
  Speaker 1: into my journal and I read it and I knew
• 19:57
  Speaker 1: that that was not from me where I was at
• 19:59
  Speaker 1: at that moment. Emotionally, it was like a father speaking
• 20:02
  Speaker 1: to his son. And so I really felt like, I
• 20:06
  Speaker 1: think God just spoke to me. I think he just
• 20:08
  Speaker 1: answered my prayer what like, So that for whatever reason,
• 20:12
  Speaker 1: that line was such a revelation for me because I
• 20:15
  Speaker 1: had never considered, like God knew that I would do
• 20:18
  Speaker 1: all this, and he still chose me, He still chose
• 20:20
  Speaker 1: to love me, He still died for me. He knew
• 20:24
  Speaker 1: all this going in when he made me, when he
• 20:25
  Speaker 1: knit me together in my mother's womb, he didn't make
• 20:27
  Speaker 1: a mistake because because I'm a sinner, like he knew.
• 20:31
  Speaker 1: And then I was like, wait a minute, this must
• 20:33
  Speaker 1: mean that I actually have a purpose and I'm not
• 20:35
  Speaker 1: just going to flounder and sin the rest of my life.
• 20:37
  Speaker 1: Like this means that there's a point for me here,
• 20:40
  Speaker 1: there's something God wants to do. And so as I
• 20:43
  Speaker 1: was reading that, I was getting so affected by this,
• 20:46
  Speaker 1: and I just felt the presence of God in my
• 20:49
  Speaker 1: bedroom like I've never felt before. And I explained it
• 20:52
  Speaker 1: like it was liquid love just pouring over me. And
• 20:55
  Speaker 1: I'm just weeping in the presence of God, like just
• 20:58
  Speaker 1: feeling his power. And I remember after that going into
• 21:01
  Speaker 1: my mirror, just in this closet next to my room,
• 21:04
  Speaker 1: and I like look in my mirror and I'm like,
• 21:07
  Speaker 1: what is happening to me? Like what is going on?
• 21:10
  Speaker 1: Because I felt like so loved in the middle of
• 21:14
  Speaker 1: this moment where I'd just been panicking, and so the
• 21:18
  Speaker 1: Lord just like empowered me. And I woke up the
• 21:21
  Speaker 1: next day and I was like something has shifted, Like
• 21:25
  Speaker 1: something is so different in me. And how I say
• 21:28
  Speaker 1: it is like it felt like Jesus truly became first
• 21:31
  Speaker 1: at that moment, like he became the first priority. It
• 21:34
  Speaker 1: wasn't really about anymore like being a successful actor, getting
• 21:38
  Speaker 1: to Broadway doing X, Y or Z. It was like,
• 21:41
  Speaker 1: I have to serve Jesus. I want to serve Jesus.
• 21:44
  Speaker 1: And I got so excited and it was just like
• 21:46
  Speaker 1: being like on fire for him for three months, like
• 21:50
  Speaker 1: NonStop on this high. And I had just never experienced
• 21:53
  Speaker 1: anything like that. And so that was really a huge
• 21:55
  Speaker 1: moment in my life of encounter that really changed me
• 21:58
  Speaker 1: and I think set me on the true jectory for
• 22:01
  Speaker 1: the rest of my life.
• 22:02
  Speaker 4: And so you were on this high for three months.
• 22:05
  Speaker 4: But what happened after the three months.
• 22:08
  Speaker 1: Well, back at I went to grad school, and that'll
• 22:10
  Speaker 1: just kick the life out of anyone. No, I did.
• 22:15
  Speaker 1: I went to grad school, I moved across the country,
• 22:17
  Speaker 1: and yeah, at a certain point it was like, wow,
• 22:22
  Speaker 1: that excitement and fire that I was feeling, Like, I'm
• 22:25
  Speaker 1: not feeling the same anymore. So I guess that wasn't
• 22:29
  Speaker 1: maybe what I thought it was, or I guess it
• 22:31
  Speaker 1: wasn't as big of a deal or whatever. And I
• 22:35
  Speaker 1: should say this too. When that happened to me, the
• 22:38
  Speaker 1: addiction stopped. It like dropped out of my life. And
• 22:42
  Speaker 1: homosexual feelings were still there in terms of just temptation,
• 22:45
  Speaker 1: but they didn't rule me anymore. It was like I
• 22:48
  Speaker 1: had authority over them. Yeah, and so I would be like,
• 22:51
  Speaker 1: you know, I'm feeling this, but I don't care. Jesus
• 22:54
  Speaker 1: is number one. And so it was such a shift.
• 22:56
  Speaker 1: But then when I start like not feeling as a
• 22:59
  Speaker 1: m or like you know, excited or whatever. I still
• 23:04
  Speaker 1: have free will. Unfortunately, so I start choosing my sin
• 23:08
  Speaker 1: again because it's just like, yeah, I just foolishly chose it.
• 23:12
  Speaker 1: And how the Bible talks about like if you return
• 23:15
  Speaker 1: to your sin, it's like comes upon you seven times worse.
• 23:18
  Speaker 1: I experienced that, and like the intensity of now homosexual attraction, pornography, addiction,
• 23:25
  Speaker 1: and then now there was this horrible spirit of fear
• 23:28
  Speaker 1: and panic that was like upon me of you've lost
• 23:32
  Speaker 1: your salvation. God gave you this gift of freedom and
• 23:34
  Speaker 1: you didn't steward it. He's now more against against you
• 23:38
  Speaker 1: than ever. And it was this like terrorizing thing. But
• 23:42
  Speaker 1: even in that, God was so good to me. He
• 23:45
  Speaker 1: gave me like a best friend in the I lived
• 23:48
  Speaker 1: in a Christian frat in grad school. It's it's like
• 23:51
  Speaker 1: a frat but not gross. It was I like had
• 23:55
  Speaker 1: a best friend named Grant. I'm still one of my
• 23:57
  Speaker 1: best friends today that would like pray with me in
• 24:00
  Speaker 1: the morning when I would wake up and just be
• 24:01
  Speaker 1: a mess, like panicking. And so God like knew He's
• 24:06
  Speaker 1: so good. He just knew what was coming and made
• 24:08
  Speaker 1: preparations because he's like I'm gonna free you, but like
• 24:11
  Speaker 1: you got to choose me, you got to walk this out.
• 24:13
  Speaker 1: So yeah, so I kind of regressed and went backwards.
• 24:17
  Speaker 1: But I truly believe if I would have like used
• 24:19
  Speaker 1: my free will to just steward my life with the
• 24:22
  Speaker 1: Lord and really be in the word and just you know, abide.
• 24:26
  Speaker 1: I know, that's when the addiction was supposed to be
• 24:28
  Speaker 1: over when I was twenty four, but unfortunately, yeah, it
• 24:31
  Speaker 1: was back after I walked back into it.
• 24:33
  Speaker 3: Wow. And so and then what happened when when COVID hit?
• 24:41
  Speaker 1: Yeah, does anyone remember COVID fun times? So yeah, So
• 24:48
  Speaker 1: by that point I was living in California. I'd become
• 24:51
  Speaker 1: a professor in Fresno, California, and COVID hits, and I remember,
• 24:57
  Speaker 1: just like I was in my apartment like everyone else,
• 25:00
  Speaker 1: and in California, they were like, don't go outside because
• 25:03
  Speaker 1: if you breathe the air outside at all, you'll die.
• 25:06
  Speaker 1: So I was like, well that's terrible. I can't even
• 25:09
  Speaker 1: you can't.
• 25:10
  Speaker 4: Go to the beach alone because you know you might die.
• 25:15
  Speaker 3: Yeah, it was so funny. I used to, you know,
• 25:18
  Speaker 3: during COVID, I would walk I.
• 25:20
  Speaker 4: Live like five blocks from Beverly Hills, and I would
• 25:23
  Speaker 4: go to Beverly Hills every day and walk for an hour. Yeah,
• 25:28
  Speaker 4: and you know, the streets are like as wide as
• 25:31
  Speaker 4: a football field in Beverly Hills, Like they're super wide.
• 25:35
  Speaker 4: And this was like a year into COVID. This was
• 25:37
  Speaker 4: like when COVID was like it's not really in Beverly Hills,
• 25:40
  Speaker 4: by the way, was like the only city in Los
• 25:42
  Speaker 4: Angeles that didn't require mass like you could.
• 25:45
  Speaker 3: Like everywhere else you had to have a mask on
• 25:47
  Speaker 3: otherwise you would get like, you know, dragged to the gulag.
• 25:51
  Speaker 4: But in Beverly Hills like they didn't care. And so
• 25:56
  Speaker 4: I was walking one day there was there was a
• 26:00
  Speaker 4: older couple and they were so far away from it.
• 26:03
  Speaker 4: They were like way fun, like I don't know, fifty
• 26:06
  Speaker 4: yards for me or something. And when they saw that
• 26:09
  Speaker 4: I was walking without a mask on, they had I mean,
• 26:12
  Speaker 4: the wife had a melt down like I've never seen
• 26:16
  Speaker 4: anything like it in my life. She literally was like
• 26:18
  Speaker 4: shaking and freaking out and panicking. I'm like crazy, Oh
• 26:22
  Speaker 4: my gosh.
• 26:25
  Speaker 1: So far away from me.
• 26:27
  Speaker 4: Anyway, Sorry, I had to tell that story, so anyway,
• 26:30
  Speaker 4: get back to that.
• 26:30
  Speaker 3: So what happened with you?
• 26:32
  Speaker 1: Yes, Okay, so I'm in my apartment all the time,
• 26:34
  Speaker 1: and I started watching live streams of a church that
• 26:40
  Speaker 1: I had somehow come into contact with over the years
• 26:43
  Speaker 1: from Illinois, and basically what they were teaching on was
• 26:46
  Speaker 1: like just the power of the Holy Spirit and what's
• 26:50
  Speaker 1: available to us as believers, and people were talking about
• 26:55
  Speaker 1: their freedom from addiction and how the Lord came and
• 26:58
  Speaker 1: set them free. And I started getting so interested in
• 27:00
  Speaker 1: like freedom and the power of God and how he
• 27:05
  Speaker 1: moves through the gifts of the Spirit, and I was
• 27:07
  Speaker 1: so excited to see that. And a big revelation that
• 27:10
  Speaker 1: came out of that season was that there was a
• 27:14
  Speaker 1: guy preaching and he was talking about the fact that
• 27:16
  Speaker 1: he was always identifying with his sin, that he thought
• 27:19
  Speaker 1: he was the things that he did, and he told
• 27:21
  Speaker 1: himself that his whole life. But then he talked about
• 27:24
  Speaker 1: the freedom of living by the Word instead of by
• 27:27
  Speaker 1: your feelings, which is a huge thing that I preached
• 27:30
  Speaker 1: all the time. And it's not just for like same
• 27:32
  Speaker 1: sex attraction. It's like everything goes back to this. The
• 27:36
  Speaker 1: Word is declared one thing about us, our flesh declares another,
• 27:39
  Speaker 1: and you have to choose, like which one are you
• 27:41
  Speaker 1: gonna abide by and so I had never thought of that.
• 27:44
  Speaker 1: So basically, for an example, like when I used to
• 27:47
  Speaker 1: confess my sin to the Lord, I would be like, Lord,
• 27:51
  Speaker 1: i know I'm just a disgusting, awful sinner and I've
• 27:54
  Speaker 1: messed up again and I'm so horrible and I know
• 27:57
  Speaker 1: that you hate me, but if you can just forgive
• 27:59
  Speaker 1: me one more time on ever, do it again? Amen,
• 28:01
  Speaker 1: which was like, so it was just speaking death over
• 28:04
  Speaker 1: my life and like and false understanding of God as
• 28:07
  Speaker 1: a father completely, like just like he's just mad all
• 28:11
  Speaker 1: the time. So suddenly I started even confessing there's.
• 28:15
  Speaker 4: No condemnation in Christ Jesus, by the way, just like
• 28:19
  Speaker 4: you know, and you're going to get to this, but
• 28:21
  Speaker 4: like you know, when when we're forgiven of our sins,
• 28:25
  Speaker 4: when we're born again, when we're saved, whatever the word
• 28:27
  Speaker 4: you want to use, our sins are forgiven, yes, past,
• 28:33
  Speaker 4: present and future.
• 28:35
  Speaker 3: Like, man, they're done, they're done, they're done. They're done.
• 28:38
  Speaker 4: When you're adopted by God and to his kingdom, when
• 28:40
  Speaker 4: you're adopted into His kingdom, there's there's there's no And
• 28:47
  Speaker 4: I asked one of my professors in seminary this years
• 28:51
  Speaker 4: ago and it was such a great answer. It was
• 28:54
  Speaker 4: such kind of and I've said this before on the show,
• 28:56
  Speaker 4: but it was such a revelation to me because I said,
• 28:59
  Speaker 4: he said, you know, he mentioned, you know, we're forgiven
• 29:01
  Speaker 4: past president the future. And I said, well, why then,
• 29:04
  Speaker 4: why do we confess our sins?
• 29:06
  Speaker 3: Yeah? And he said because you're in a relationship.
• 29:08
  Speaker 1: Yes. I love that, And I'm.
• 29:11
  Speaker 3: Like, oh, that makes sense.
• 29:12
  Speaker 4: Like it's like a husband and wife in a relationship,
• 29:14
  Speaker 4: Like you confess your sin because you want that relationship
• 29:18
  Speaker 4: to flourish and you want it too to be like
• 29:21
  Speaker 4: you say, abundant, and you want it to you know.
• 29:24
  Speaker 4: So like if you're constantly in that state of sin
• 29:27
  Speaker 4: and you're constantly not confessing it, then you're in that
• 29:32
  Speaker 4: shame and then that it damages the relationship. It doesn't
• 29:35
  Speaker 4: damage your salvation, it damages the relationship.
• 29:38
  Speaker 1: Yes, so good, So anyway, go ahead.
• 29:40
  Speaker 3: What were you going to say about.
• 29:42
  Speaker 1: That's so true? And I love your guests from Venezuela
• 29:45
  Speaker 1: that you just had. Yes, yes, Carlo good, Yes, everybody
• 29:51
  Speaker 1: should watch that.
• 29:52
  Speaker 3: Yeah.
• 29:52
  Speaker 4: By the way, if you haven't seen that episode, guys,
• 29:54
  Speaker 4: I so many people have have messaged me saying it.
• 30:00
  Speaker 4: I was stunned because people I've gotten so many messages
• 30:03
  Speaker 4: by people saying this is the best episode you've ever done.
• 30:06
  Speaker 4: And I'm like, oh, okay, so please we'll link to
• 30:09
  Speaker 4: that below, but anyway, go ahead tell me.
• 30:12
  Speaker 1: Yes, So, just what he was saying about, like when
• 30:14
  Speaker 1: you're in Christ, you're you're one with Him, Like.
• 30:18
  Speaker 4: Yeah, I was just telling this to my I was
• 30:20
  Speaker 4: telling this to my neighbor. I'm because I'm evangelizing my
• 30:23
  Speaker 4: Jewish neighbor. And she just gave her. I just gave
• 30:25
  Speaker 4: her a Bible and I explained to her, when you're united,
• 30:30
  Speaker 4: when you're united to Christ, let's say, so this is you,
• 30:34
  Speaker 4: the iPhone is you in Christ is living water. So
• 30:37
  Speaker 4: when you're united to Christ, and let's say that light
• 30:41
  Speaker 4: is God, there is no there's no way, it's impossible
• 30:48
  Speaker 4: for you to be condemned because God would have to
• 30:51
  Speaker 4: condemn Christ, right because you're united to Him.
• 30:55
  Speaker 3: You're literally united Christ.
• 30:56
  Speaker 1: Come on, yes, and uh.
• 31:00
  Speaker 4: And not and not only is your as I always
• 31:02
  Speaker 4: say this, but not only is your you know, is
• 31:05
  Speaker 4: your sin forgiven? But His perfect righteousness is imputed to you. Yes,
• 31:10
  Speaker 4: So now when God sees you, he sees you as
• 31:12
  Speaker 4: perfectly righteous.
• 31:13
  Speaker 3: He doesn't see you.
• 31:15
  Speaker 4: As like, you know, the all that stuff that you
• 31:18
  Speaker 4: were feeling, the shame over it, like, he doesn't see that.
• 31:20
  Speaker 3: He sees you as perfectly righteous, not because of you,
• 31:22
  Speaker 3: but because of what Jesus did on the cross.
• 31:24
  Speaker 1: Yes, yeah, right, He's always showing you like it's always
• 31:28
  Speaker 1: through that Jesus lens that the Father sees us. So
• 31:31
  Speaker 1: that was something that I never understood about salvation or sonship.
• 31:36
  Speaker 1: I never got it. And so when I was watching
• 31:38
  Speaker 1: these teachings and they were talking about even the way
• 31:42
  Speaker 1: we confess our sin, it can be according to the
• 31:44
  Speaker 1: Word of God. So my confession went from like I'm horrible.
• 31:47
  Speaker 1: I'm horrible, Please forgive me. I don't know if you
• 31:49
  Speaker 1: will amen to Lord. I take responsibility for what just happened,
• 31:55
  Speaker 1: and I confess that it was wrong and it was
• 31:57
  Speaker 1: against you. But God, I thank you that I'm now
• 32:00
  Speaker 1: the righteousness of God in Christ. Jesus, I thank you
• 32:02
  Speaker 1: that you've seated me in heavenly places, and that you
• 32:05
  Speaker 1: separate my sin from me as far as the East
• 32:07
  Speaker 1: is from the west, and that you will remember it
• 32:09
  Speaker 1: no more in Jesus' name. So good also I actually
• 32:15
  Speaker 1: started It's amazing, like life and death is in the
• 32:17
  Speaker 1: power of the tongue. The Bible says that over and over.
• 32:20
  Speaker 1: Like when I started speaking the Word over my life
• 32:22
  Speaker 1: and even confessing by the word things, it was like
• 32:26
  Speaker 1: part of the journey of it, of the healing coming
• 32:28
  Speaker 1: because my identity was starting to come into alignment with
• 32:31
  Speaker 1: the Word instead of my feelings. And so that was
• 32:34
  Speaker 1: just actually such a fruitful time in my life. And
• 32:37
  Speaker 1: in twenty twenty is actually when I moved to Iowa
• 32:41
  Speaker 1: where I am now. So it was it was like
• 32:43
  Speaker 1: right before the next season of my life, God started
• 32:45
  Speaker 1: getting me really much deeper in the Word and much
• 32:48
  Speaker 1: more identifying with the Word.
• 32:50
  Speaker 3: We'll be right back after this short break. And then
• 32:54
  Speaker 3: you say that I think this is in.
• 32:58
  Speaker 4: Iowa that you you were a professor at a Christian college,
• 33:01
  Speaker 4: Is that right?
• 33:02
  Speaker 1: Yep?
• 33:03
  Speaker 4: And one night you were at a church meeting and
• 33:10
  Speaker 4: you had this you were set free of addiction, right,
• 33:13
  Speaker 4: So talk about that.
• 33:15
  Speaker 1: Yeah, so this is awesome. So when I moved here,
• 33:19
  Speaker 1: I started going to this Bible study. A mutual friend
• 33:22
  Speaker 1: of the people that ran the Bible study and myself
• 33:25
  Speaker 1: told me about it, and so I show up in
• 33:27
  Speaker 1: these people's living room and just because they were looking
• 33:30
  Speaker 1: for someone to lead worship, and I was like, oh,
• 33:32
  Speaker 1: I lead worship, and yeah, I'll come. Sure, they asked
• 33:34
  Speaker 1: me to come, so I led a couple songs and
• 33:37
  Speaker 1: then after I was done, this woman looked at me.
• 33:40
  Speaker 1: Her name's Christina, and she said, we've been waiting for you,
• 33:44
  Speaker 1: and of like what She's like, We've been praying for
• 33:46
  Speaker 1: God to send us a worship leader, and you're him.
• 33:48
  Speaker 1: You're the one that he spent. I was like, oh, okay,
• 33:52
  Speaker 1: but it was it was actually like a total God
• 33:55
  Speaker 1: set up. It was crazy. And so I started running
• 33:57
  Speaker 1: with these people and they were doing ministry when all
• 34:00
  Speaker 1: the churches were closed. They were doing like living room
• 34:03
  Speaker 1: you know, church gatherings. And then we started doing revivals
• 34:06
  Speaker 1: on people's farms because we're in Iowa and everyone has
• 34:09
  Speaker 1: a farm. So we were just like doing these events
• 34:13
  Speaker 1: all over the place and people were just getting really
• 34:15
  Speaker 1: touched by the Lord and really experiencing the Holy Spirit
• 34:20
  Speaker 1: a lot of people for the first time. And so yeah,
• 34:22
  Speaker 1: we started doing these like monthly kind of more of
• 34:26
  Speaker 1: a formal church gathering. And it was at one of
• 34:28
  Speaker 1: those that I remember like the process was ongoing, like
• 34:33
  Speaker 1: I was getting incrementally more free, but I was just
• 34:36
  Speaker 1: so tired of like struggling and so tired of being weary,
• 34:40
  Speaker 1: and just like, man, when is this going to end?
• 34:43
  Speaker 1: So a friend prayed over me, and yeah, in the moment,
• 34:47
  Speaker 1: I was like, okay, thanks, yeah, amen, see you later,
• 34:49
  Speaker 1: Like it was like nothing crazy happened in that moment.
• 34:53
  Speaker 1: But as I was driving away from this barn event
• 34:57
  Speaker 1: building we were in, I'm just driving on the road
• 35:00
  Speaker 1: in the middle of the fields, and again, like the
• 35:02
  Speaker 1: presence of God touches me while I'm in my car,
• 35:06
  Speaker 1: and I can't really explain this, but I just start
• 35:09
  Speaker 1: like laughing and nothing's funny. And I'm sitting there and
• 35:12
  Speaker 1: I'm like, why am I laughing? I'm in a field,
• 35:14
  Speaker 1: a cornfield, Like nothing is funny, and it's just the
• 35:18
  Speaker 1: joy of the Lord is just like touching me. And
• 35:21
  Speaker 1: I'm like laughing in the face of the enemy for
• 35:23
  Speaker 1: what he's tried to do to me my whole life.
• 35:25
  Speaker 1: So I'm sitting there and the joy of the Lord
• 35:28
  Speaker 1: is just filling me, and I'm like okay. And it
• 35:31
  Speaker 1: goes on for like five solid minutes and I just
• 35:33
  Speaker 1: don't know what's happening. And then from that day I've
• 35:38
  Speaker 1: never gone back to addiction again and it's been over
• 35:41
  Speaker 1: five years now. Wow, it's so like it's just crazy,
• 35:44
  Speaker 1: So like yeah, I can't really explain everything, but it's
• 35:47
  Speaker 1: like the Lord is the freedom giver. He sets us free.
• 35:51
  Speaker 1: He knows when we're ready maybe to like maintain it
• 35:53
  Speaker 1: and walk it out and not keep going back to it.
• 35:56
  Speaker 1: But like it was so special and so now it's
• 35:59
  Speaker 1: like that's not even an issue anymore. I don't have
• 36:01
  Speaker 1: to have a dumb phone instead of a smartphone. I
• 36:03
  Speaker 1: don't have to have no you know, internet in my house.
• 36:06
  Speaker 1: Like there's actual freedom that he gave and it's not
• 36:09
  Speaker 1: it's really not even a thought anymore, which you I
• 36:13
  Speaker 1: can't tell you how much this dominated my life, like
• 36:15
  Speaker 1: it was a problem. So God is so good and
• 36:19
  Speaker 1: he will do the same for anyone like that comes
• 36:22
  Speaker 1: to him because that's his will. Like he wants us
• 36:23
  Speaker 1: to be free.
• 36:25
  Speaker 3: And praise God, that's amazing.
• 36:29
  Speaker 4: And you you have a desire to get married. You're
• 36:32
  Speaker 4: waiting for missus Miller.
• 36:33
  Speaker 1: I'm miss Miller.
• 36:35
  Speaker 3: Where's missus Miller?
• 36:37
  Speaker 1: Where is he? Has anyone seen her anywhere.
• 36:40
  Speaker 4: So tell me about that. I mean, do you do
• 36:42
  Speaker 4: you want to have like a family and everything? Do
• 36:45
  Speaker 4: you want to have kids?
• 36:46
  Speaker 1: I do, yeah, And all my friends are having kids
• 36:48
  Speaker 1: right now, so I have like stand ins, which is good.
• 36:51
  Speaker 1: There's some extras right now. But the uh yeah. I
• 36:54
  Speaker 1: remember I was leading worship at an event probably in
• 36:57
  Speaker 1: like twenty twenty one in near Minneapol, and these you know,
• 37:02
  Speaker 1: you know those women in the church that are just
• 37:04
  Speaker 1: like the power women of God, like the intercessors, who are.
• 37:07
  Speaker 3: Always the women.
• 37:08
  Speaker 4: It's so funny, it's always the women are always the
• 37:10
  Speaker 4: prayer warriors.
• 37:11
  Speaker 1: Yes, So there were these two, and one of them
• 37:15
  Speaker 1: after my worship set, she just sat down with me
• 37:17
  Speaker 1: and she's like, Okay, if you could ask God for
• 37:20
  Speaker 1: anything in your life right now, what would it be.
• 37:22
  Speaker 1: And I was like, well, I would love to just
• 37:25
  Speaker 1: like really operate in the gifts of the spirit like
• 37:28
  Speaker 1: fully and just really live out my purpose in the Lord.
• 37:31
  Speaker 1: And I was like, and I feel like I'm supposed
• 37:33
  Speaker 1: to say because I'm thirty. At this point, I was like,
• 37:35
  Speaker 1: I'm thirty and a Christian, so I shouldn't be married.
• 37:37
  Speaker 1: So I guess that too. So she says to me,
• 37:41
  Speaker 1: She's like she stops and looks at me, and she's like,
• 37:44
  Speaker 1: the Lord has that for you, but he's waiting for
• 37:47
  Speaker 1: you to want it. And I was like, huh, like
• 37:51
  Speaker 1: I that's okay, interesting and I cannot again this is
• 37:56
  Speaker 1: just crazy. But like probably a year later, I had
• 37:58
  Speaker 1: always considered it. But you know, after same sex attraction
• 38:01
  Speaker 1: and stuff, you're like, could this ever even happen? Is
• 38:04
  Speaker 1: this for me? Do I just have to be CELLI
• 38:06
  Speaker 1: bate whatever. And when I tell you, the desire for
• 38:11
  Speaker 1: marriage came so strong when I was like thirty one.
• 38:15
  Speaker 1: It just like smacked me and I was like, oh
• 38:17
  Speaker 1: I think I want it now. Okay, this is what
• 38:19
  Speaker 1: it is. And so that desire just started building. But
• 38:24
  Speaker 1: for the right person, right, not just like I just
• 38:26
  Speaker 1: want to go anyone. It's like that ministry partner, that
• 38:29
  Speaker 1: person that you're really you are going to love, you
• 38:31
  Speaker 1: are going to yeah, be attracted to and like walk
• 38:35
  Speaker 1: out your calling with. And so yeah, that's been a
• 38:37
  Speaker 1: desire and we're waiting for the Lord to fulfill it.
• 38:40
  Speaker 1: And believe you me, I have prayed not stop for
• 38:44
  Speaker 1: years now.
• 38:45
  Speaker 3: So yeah, he's good, amazing. Well, godly women out there.
• 38:48
  Speaker 4: If you're watching Tyler's email addresses Mark Tyler Miller. No,
• 38:53
  Speaker 4: your website is Mark Tyler Miller dot com, so contact him.
• 38:58
  Speaker 1: I thought this was a dating show, this Isel Dog.
• 39:03
  Speaker 3: And so you.
• 39:08
  Speaker 4: Yeah, everybody, you say, everybody please pray for me as
• 39:11
  Speaker 4: you wait for missus Miller. So yeah, people please pray
• 39:13
  Speaker 4: for for titles to pray together.
• 39:15
  Speaker 3: Okay.
• 39:16
  Speaker 4: Yeah, and by the way, and so and then you
• 39:19
  Speaker 4: also have which I didn't know about this, but you
• 39:22
  Speaker 4: have a podcast, So talk about your podcast.
• 39:25
  Speaker 1: Yeah. I started this a couple of years ago. It's
• 39:27
  Speaker 1: called The Resurrection Identity Podcast, and the first episode is
• 39:32
  Speaker 1: kind of this story. It's my testimony and what the
• 39:34
  Speaker 1: Lord brought me through. But the podcast is just sort
• 39:37
  Speaker 1: of a way to talk about like what do we
• 39:39
  Speaker 1: have access to in Christ and what does a resurrected
• 39:42
  Speaker 1: life look like? And so there's a lot of different
• 39:45
  Speaker 1: topics we've hit on, like self harm, homosexuality, addiction, victory, freedom,
• 39:51
  Speaker 1: things like that, and so yeah, it's just a little
• 39:54
  Speaker 1: way to kind of do some teaching and then also
• 39:56
  Speaker 1: share testimony and hopefully people like grow in the Lord together.
• 40:00
  Speaker 1: So it's been really sweet and.
• 40:02
  Speaker 3: Are you still leading worship.
• 40:04
  Speaker 1: Yes, yeah, so I'm a worship pastor now at activation
• 40:07
  Speaker 1: church in Iowa, and that's been, yeah, the joy of
• 40:11
  Speaker 1: my life, and that's been full time for the last year.
• 40:14
  Speaker 1: About nice nice.
• 40:17
  Speaker 4: Well, Tyler Miller, thank you for coming on the show.
• 40:21
  Speaker 4: We'll put the link below to your podcast and to
• 40:24
  Speaker 4: your website, but thank you for coming on the show
• 40:27
  Speaker 4: and sharing your story.
• 40:28
  Speaker 3: God is amazing.
• 40:31
  Speaker 4: And just by the way, I mean, what would you
• 40:34
  Speaker 4: tell I mean, I know you probably talk about this
• 40:37
  Speaker 4: on your podcast, but what would you tell people who
• 40:39
  Speaker 4: are watching, who like you, you know, were struggling in
• 40:44
  Speaker 4: that shame cycle and like struggling with addiction.
• 40:47
  Speaker 3: What would you say to them? I mean, I know
• 40:49
  Speaker 3: we've talked about it, but like.
• 40:50
  Speaker 1: Just right first, I would say, you are deeply, deeply
• 40:57
  Speaker 1: loved by the Lord. Your love so far beyond what
• 41:00
  Speaker 1: you can understand. It's not even funny. Like the Lord
• 41:03
  Speaker 1: is your father. God is your father, and he's good.
• 41:07
  Speaker 1: He's good to you. He knows you, he knit you together.
• 41:10
  Speaker 1: He knew, just like he said to me, he knew
• 41:13
  Speaker 1: all of the dumb things you would do. He knew
• 41:15
  Speaker 1: all of the sin that you would find yourself in
• 41:18
  Speaker 1: and He chose to create you anyway in spite of
• 41:21
  Speaker 1: those things, because of the glory that will be revealed
• 41:23
  Speaker 1: through your life. And so I just want to encourage
• 41:26
  Speaker 1: anyone out there to truly believe that and bring those
• 41:29
  Speaker 1: things to the Lord. And if you're like, Lord, I
• 41:31
  Speaker 1: see you as this angry father, I see you as
• 41:33
  Speaker 1: this abusive, horrible whatever, Like, deal with it with the Lord.
• 41:36
  Speaker 1: Bring it to him and ask him to renew your mind.
• 41:39
  Speaker 1: Get into the Word, start renewing your mind in him,
• 41:42
  Speaker 1: let the Holy Spirit transform you. And just know, like
• 41:45
  Speaker 1: if there's any proof of this, look at this show,
• 41:48
  Speaker 1: look at the beck of Cook's show, Like how many
• 41:50
  Speaker 1: people have been on this show, and be like, the
• 41:52
  Speaker 1: Lord set me free of the most horrible thing we
• 41:54
  Speaker 1: can possibly imagine. Like it's all over the place. God
• 41:58
  Speaker 1: is moving, And so I would just encourage you just
• 42:02
  Speaker 1: really know the love of the Lord. It's not about
• 42:04
  Speaker 1: your performance, it's not about you earning his love. It's
• 42:07
  Speaker 1: about his resurrection and rest that he's releasing over you.
• 42:12
  Speaker 1: And so I just encourage you in that, like God
• 42:14
  Speaker 1: has such a future and a hope in store for you.
• 42:17
  Speaker 3: Yes, amen, Amen.
• 42:18
  Speaker 4: And And by the way, I mean, that's what I think.
• 42:22
  Speaker 4: You know, a lot of Christians, it's kind of like
• 42:28
  Speaker 4: over the last I don't know how long, but I've
• 42:31
  Speaker 4: really started to really deeply, deeply understand God's grace. And
• 42:37
  Speaker 4: of course Paul says, shall we go on sitting that
• 42:39
  Speaker 4: grace may abound by no means obviously, but when you
• 42:43
  Speaker 4: really really understand, like you're saying, like God, it's not
• 42:47
  Speaker 4: even funny how much God loves you, like it's this
• 42:49
  Speaker 4: crazy like and you really understand his grace, it's grace
• 42:54
  Speaker 4: from start to finish, Like it's grace, grace, grace, Like
• 42:57
  Speaker 4: if you really get that, you don't feel that condemnation,
• 43:01
  Speaker 4: you don't feel that insecurity about like oh my Gosh,
• 43:04
  Speaker 4: to lose my salvation, Oh my God, like you it's
• 43:07
  Speaker 4: just you have to like you have to understand grace
• 43:10
  Speaker 4: like it just just ask God to just help you
• 43:13
  Speaker 4: get it because that legalism is deadly, Like the legalistic
• 43:18
  Speaker 4: mindset is just poison.
• 43:20
  Speaker 3: It's from the pit of Hell and it's deadly.
• 43:22
  Speaker 1: Yes, So yeah, go ahead. I was just gonna say,
• 43:27
  Speaker 1: I feel like for those of us that grew up
• 43:28
  Speaker 1: in the church, it's such a different experience, Like if
• 43:32
  Speaker 1: you if you grew up and maybe we're living a
• 43:34
  Speaker 1: life of sin into your like adulthood and then you
• 43:37
  Speaker 1: have this radical encounter with the Lord and change. I
• 43:39
  Speaker 1: feel like it's a very different experience than people that like, well,
• 43:43
  Speaker 1: I grew up in the church and I was still
• 43:45
  Speaker 1: a mess. What's the deal with that?
• 43:46
  Speaker 2: Like?
• 43:47
  Speaker 1: How what am I supposed to do with that? Was
• 43:49
  Speaker 1: I not really saved? Is God's God against me?
• 43:51
  Speaker 2: Like?
• 43:51
  Speaker 1: Yeah, And and that's where this legalism slips in. Well,
• 43:54
  Speaker 1: you didn't try hard enough, you didn't do enough, so
• 43:57
  Speaker 1: you need to do more. And that was how I
• 43:59
  Speaker 1: kept trying to solve my own issues, was like, if
• 44:01
  Speaker 1: I just do more, God will be pleased with me,
• 44:03
  Speaker 1: and then he'll heal me if I And that's been
• 44:06
  Speaker 1: like the fight of my life now, is like that
• 44:07
  Speaker 1: perfectionism stuff, just getting rid of that and being like
• 44:11
  Speaker 1: it is only by his blood that I can do anything.
• 44:14
  Speaker 1: So like, by his blood, by his spirit and the
• 44:17
  Speaker 1: power of his name. It's not it's not up to me.
• 44:19
  Speaker 1: I'm actually called to rest in the Lord and he
• 44:22
  Speaker 1: will sanctify me and he will move me forward. And y'all,
• 44:25
  Speaker 1: he has been so faithful to do that so I
• 44:27
  Speaker 1: just want to encourage you he will do the same
• 44:30
  Speaker 1: in your life. If the Holy Spirit lives in you,
• 44:32
  Speaker 1: that's what he does, Like that is his role. He
• 44:34
  Speaker 1: is sanctifying and moving you forward in your life in him.
• 44:37
  Speaker 4: So yeah, it's like in the Book of Galatians, it's
• 44:39
  Speaker 4: like we're it's like, you know, you foolish Galatians. You started,
• 44:43
  Speaker 4: you know, by faith, and now you're continuing.
• 44:46
  Speaker 1: It's like this whole kind of works righteousness.
• 44:48
  Speaker 4: It's like we understand we're saved by grace alone, but
• 44:51
  Speaker 4: then suddenly where we become like a works righteousness person
• 44:55
  Speaker 4: and we're like, oh, we have to work. We have
• 44:57
  Speaker 4: to constantly work and like help and make sure God
• 45:00
  Speaker 4: is okay with us and please with us, and if
• 45:02
  Speaker 4: he's not, Like it's just this constant fear. It's like
• 45:06
  Speaker 4: a fear thing. I'm not the fear of the Lord.
• 45:09
  Speaker 4: It's a different kind of fear. It's a it's a
• 45:11
  Speaker 4: condemnation fear from the enemy. But anyway, man, we'll leave
• 45:16
  Speaker 4: it there. Tyler Miller, thank you for coming.
• 45:18
  Speaker 3: On and sharing this.
• 45:19
  Speaker 1: I appreciate you so much for having me. This was
• 45:22
  Speaker 1: such a joy and I'm so I just want to
• 45:24
  Speaker 1: like take a second to just like honor you and
• 45:28
  Speaker 1: your life and what you're doing and the way that
• 45:30
  Speaker 1: you've stood up in this area is like you're knocking
• 45:34
  Speaker 1: down walls for generations to come. And so I just
• 45:37
  Speaker 1: want to so encourage you. Not God. It's so pleased
• 45:39
  Speaker 1: with you, Beckett.
• 45:40
  Speaker 4: Well, praise God. It's all you know. Thank you very much.
• 45:42
  Speaker 4: But it's all God and it's His grace working through me.
• 45:46
  Speaker 4: But thank you so much. Yes Hellelujah, Wait, don't touch
• 45:49
  Speaker 4: that dial. Please like and subscribe, and also please consider
• 45:53
  Speaker 4: becoming a patron on Patreon For as little as five
• 45:56
  Speaker 4: dollars a month. You can really help us out on
• 45:58
  Speaker 4: The show is below and we so so appreciate it.
• 46:03
  Speaker 1: Thank you.
• 46:06
  Speaker 2: Thank you for listening to this episode of The Beckett
• 46:09
  Speaker 2: Cook Show. Your support makes this content possible. All episodes
• 46:14
  Speaker 2: of The Beckett Cook Show are also available on YouTube.
• 46:18
  Speaker 2: For more information about Beckett and his ministry, visit his
• 46:21
  Speaker 2: website at Becketcook dot com.
• 46:24
  Speaker 4: Thank you to the team at Life Audio for their
• 46:26
  Speaker 4: partnership with us. If you go to lifeaudio dot com,
• 46:29
  Speaker 4: you will find more faith centered podcasts about prayer, Bible study, parenting,
• 46:34
  Speaker 4: and more.