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Andy Stanley - You're Not The Boss Of Me Part 4 Anger · Andy Stanley Sermons

0:02
Let's talk about this. We haven't talked about this in a long time road
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rage. In fact, we've never talked about this, right, but somebody
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needs to talk about this, right, road rage. It's an issue.
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If you live in the Atlanta area, you know, and you're watching online,
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you get this. If you're living outside the city of Atlanta, be
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very careful when you drive into the city of Atlanta because of this, right
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road rage. And I would ask real quick, anybody here been a victim
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of road rage? Anybody anybody felt a victim? Yeah? Actually more of
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you than you know. The reason you didn't raise your hand is you don't
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know what it is. Okay, but road rage doesn't mean somebody, some
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angry person gets out of their car and marches back to your car and traffic
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and beats on your windshield. That is road rage. But it's broader than
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that. Road rage is really I'll just give you the definition, since we're
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talking about it, aggressive or angry behavior exhibited by a driver. I bet
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you knew that, but here's the broad definition. So more of you have
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been, you know, a victim, hopefully not a perpetrator, but a
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victim of or maybe a perpetrator. I didn't ask you to raise your hands.
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Maybe we should go back anyway. Behaviors include rude and offensive gestures.
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So most of us have been, you know, seeing okay, verbal insults,
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physical threats, or dangerous driving methods targeted toward one toward another driver or
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pedestrian, ye in an effort to intimidate or release frustration. And the thing
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that's so horrible about road rage is that it's focused on absolute strangers. People
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who are experiencing road rage, they're mad at someone. They don't even know
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who it is. They don't even know if it's male or female half the
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time because your windows are so tinted, right, they're just this is this
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is, this is what makes it so strange. Now here's something else you
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don't know about road rage. According to one study, this is going to
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be kind of disturbed some of you, but don't leave early. People who
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customize their cars with stickers and other adornments are more prone to road rage.
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Did you know that if you got like bibble heads in the back when the
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window of your car and stickers and all that stuff, you are more prone
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to road rage. I know what some of you're thinking. You're thinking,
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Yeah, those Republicans. I have all those stickers. I knew it.
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Those Democrats, they just fill their cars with stickers. I knew it.
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So this study goes on to say only the number of bumper stickers, not
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their content, predicted road rage. So you know coexist this, you know,
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I don't know. So now a percentage of you, a percentage of
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us, have experienced or been on, you know, the giving side of
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some sort of road rage, but probably only a small percentage. But all
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of us have some sort of rage on the inside of us. Some all
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of us have some level of anger, don't. We don't like the word
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anger because that doesn't sound very sophisticated. We're very sophisticated people, so we
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say, no, no, no, no, I don't have rage,
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and I don't have anger. I just have I just have frustration. I'm
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just I'm not angry. I'm just I'm frustrated. Frustration is sounds so much
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nicer. Frustration is you know what, there's something wrong out there and I'm
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just responding in here. But it's not me. I'm not the source.
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I'm just responding to something out there and whatever it is out there, it
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just frustrates me. But I'm not angry. I'm just frustrated. But I
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learned, and I'll tell you how in just a minute. I learned that
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frustration is actually anger. I learned this from a counselor. But not just
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a counselor. I learned this from my counselor years ago. His name was
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Steve, and I he kept telling me I'm angry. I'm like, I'm
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not angry, and I tried not to do the angry thing, like I'm
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not angry, because if you do that, you just lost. They don't
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even have to respond. I'm like, oh, really, write that down.
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Andy's not angry loudly, you know. So I'm like, Steve,
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I'm not angry. I'm just frustrated. And he would say, well,
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Andy, what's the difference. Yeah. And so while you're trying to figure
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out the difference between anger and frustration, I want to go ahead and catch
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you up on what we're talking about in this series, and then we will
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come back to that in just a minute. We're in the middle of a
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series, actually part four of a six. It is called You're Not the
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Boss of Me, and we're talking specifically. This is kind of a how
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to series, how to say no to the emotions that compete for control,
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because all of us have emotions that compete for control of our mouth, and
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they compete for control of our moods. And Jesus said that the stuff that
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comes out of us or exudes from us that oftentimes offends other people and puts
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us at odds with God, because it puts us at odds with other people,
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it actually comes out of us. And the reason that comes out of
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us is because it was in there to begin with. And the things that
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come out of us, according to Jesus, actually he uses the word heart
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from it comes from our heart. In other words, it comes from us.
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And I'm tempted to say, no, it doesn't come from me,
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It comes from out there. It comes from them. And I'm just responding.
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And Jesus says, that's because you don't know yourself very well. Here's
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what Jesus said. And I just go with what Jesus said again. And
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you predicts your own death and resurrection, Pull it off, let's go whatever
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you say. He says this, But the things that come out of a
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person's mouth come from the heart. There it is, and these defile them.
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Defile means these things put them at odds with God and others, and
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they put you at odds with God because they put you at odds with others
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that God loves. He goes on and he says this for out of the
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heart or out of you, whatever words you want to use. Out of
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the heart come evil thoughts. And evil thoughts are the first step toward evil
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deeds. Right, you know, emotions that swell up on the inside of
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you, and suddenly your ideas come to mind, and next thing you know,
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you're saying things or doing things. He says, stuff like murder,
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adultery, sexual immorality, fef false testimony, slanderer, malice. The The
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Gospel of Maart gives us some other words that Jesus used. He said,
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all of these come out of us because they are in us. So in
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this series we are learning to monitor our hearts, because from your heart comes
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the issues of life. As Solomon said, from our heart come to things
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that are both good and both bad. And all of us are good at
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monitoring our behavior. That's how you got here today. That's how you got
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married. You got a date, got a second date with the same person.
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You got a job, you're able to keep your job, got a
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second interview. We're pretty good at monitoring our behavior, but Jesus is encouraging
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us and drawing us into a way of life where we monitor our heart,
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we monitor what's in there, and we monitor what we allow down in there,
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because when our emotions, in many cases take control, things oftentimes get
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out of control. Whether it's guilt we talked about that, or envy we
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talked about that, or insecurity or fear. We're going to talk about fear
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next week, and today we're talking about anger. And here's what I know
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about you. This isn't a religious thing. This is just a human thing.
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Nobody, and you're a nobody, not really like you're part of a
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Nobody in this equation is everybody somebody. Everybody. Nobody wants Anger to be
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the boss of them, right, I mean, you don't want anger to
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be your boss. You've never thought of it in those terms. We'll talk
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about it in just a minute. Nobody wants Anger to be the boss of
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them, and nobody who loves you want it Anger to be the boss of
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you. And you don't want Anger to be the boss of anybody that you
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love or you have to work with. We've seen what happens. When that
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happens, we've been on the other side of anger or frustration or rage.
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And when we talk about anger, we're not just talking about extroverted anger.
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You know, people who lose their temper. You may never raise your voice.
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You may be more like me. You don't lose your temper, but
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you're still scary because your moodiness, your silence is deafening, your silence is
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intimidating, your silence is controlling. And you pride yourself because you don't ever
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extrovert your anger, but you introvert your anger, and it has the same
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effect on the people closest to you. So whether you shove it down or
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whether you shut people down, anger is a bad boss. Unless there is
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an exception to this. Unless it's what I call and maybe there's a better
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phrase for this, what I call crusader anger. This is a good anger.
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Crusader anger is when somebody gets angry as an injustice in the world or
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evil in the world, or a disease in the world, and they finally
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get so frustrated and so angry they step out and they say, you know
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what, somebody needs to do something about this. So they go to work,
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and as a result of crusader anger, some incredible things have happened in
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the world, child labor laws, women suffrage, the civil rights movement,
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We could go on and on and on. All over the world. Throughout
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history there have been men and women who finally got so fed up with something
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that needed to change. They had kind of this crusader anger, and it
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drove them to bring about change. But and this is where we pivot back
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to most of us, crusader anger reflects concern over what other people aren't getting
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that they deserve. The frustration and the anger that drives us crazy and messes
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up our relationships and causes us to look in the mirror at times and think,
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why did it say? You know, why did I say that?
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Why do I think that? Why do I behave that way? Is the
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anger that comes from what happens when I'm not getting what I'm sure I deserve,
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when you're not getting what you're sure you deserve. So there's a parallel,
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there's a similar one is constructive. One, as you already know,
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is extraordinarily destructive. Now James the brother of Jesus, which is such a
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fascinating thought. Anyway, and we won't go into that. But James,
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the brother of Jesus, who lived in the first century, obviously emerged after
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jesus resurrection as a leader in the local church. In fact, he was
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the pastor he might be called, or the leader of the church in Jerusalem
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in the first century. Imagine that he was martyred in the year sixty two,
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and the fact his martyrdom is not recorded in the Bible. It's not
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recorded in the Book of Acts that tells us what happened after the Gospels.
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And the reason the martyrdom of James is not recorded in the Book of Acts
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is because when James was martyred, the Book of Acts had already been written.
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It was already out. And so the Book of Acts was written before
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James was martyrd, which means the Book of Acts was written before sixty two,
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which means I know you don't care, but I do before Acts.
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This is important. Though, before Acts was written, Luke was written.
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Everybody agrees that whoever wrote Luke wrote Acts. So it shoves the writing of
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Acts back, and it shoves the writing of Luke back into the time when
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they were eyewitnesses of the resurrection. So one of the things that you may
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have heard in graduate school or college many many years ago, is that you
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know, the eyewitnesses of the resurrection didn't write the Gospels. They were written
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many, many, many years later. There is no evidence for that,
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and there's lots of evidence to the contrary. So James lived in Jerusalem,
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the brother of Jesus martyrd imagine this. He was killed because he believed his
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brother was his lord. That's amazing. And he writes this letter to Christians,
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to primarily to Jewish Christians, and it is full of wisdom. In
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fact, he was called had a nickname. He was James the Just.
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He was such a just person, James the Just. And in this letter
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that's called the Book of James, that you can find in your New Testament.
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In this book, James gives us a principle. And of all the
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principles, the life changing principles in the world, I think there are two
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that are just so extraordinary that if people can get their minds and hearts around
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these two ideas, that changes everything, especially relationally. And James gives us
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one of these principles. So I want to walk you through what James says.
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It's going to be a little bit offensive. Maybe it's going to make
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you kind of push back a little bit and say, I don't know if
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it's that simple, but I'm telling you, if you, whatever age you're
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in, wherever you are in relationships, if you will embrace this principle that
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James gives us, it will do more to keep anger from ever becoming the
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boss of you than anything else you can do. And that's a promise.
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Here's what James says. He asks two questions. The first one is this,
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He says, who he's just writing? This is a letter, So
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he's writing this, so there's somebody's reading this in churches and Judea and maybe
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that area of the world. Who is wise and understanding among you? And
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he's not asking anybody to raise their hand? And I'll explain why in a
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minute. Who is wise and understanding? Wisdom means who has insight? Whise
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people understand that life is connected. Whyse people understand the past impacts the future
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and the present impacts the future, that what's going on now is going to
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show up later. That life is connected. So James says, Okay,
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do you think you're wise? Do you think you're insightful? Do you know
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how to keep things in pursonective, he says. If so, I want
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to challenge you, let me see your wisdom and let me see your understanding
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by the deeds you do and the humility that comes from wisdom. Because wise
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people, this is so important. Wise people are always humble because arrogance doesn't
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make any sense. Arrogance is irrational. Arrogance flies in the face of everything
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we know about how the world works and how people are. He says,
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So, if you're wise, I want to see your wisdom and how you
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live your life, and it's going to be it's going to be exported through
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your humility, because wisdom always leads to humility. Every once in a while
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and you've had this experience, I'll run into somebody, or meet somebody,
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or hear somebody on the news and they just are so arrogant. I mean,
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they're just like and whenever I run in and see arrogant men or women,
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and sometimes it's just a big personality, but you know what, sometimes
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it goes beyond just a big personality there and I want to ask them and
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I would never do this because this would be arrogant, and I don't want
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to be arrogant. But I want to walk up to him and say,
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excuse me, do you think you're never going to die? Do you think
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that somehow you're an exception to all the rules? Because the way you're talking,
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the way you're living, what you're expecting of others, it seems like
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you seem like somehow you're an exception to all the rules. You do realize
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you're going to die. You do realize that you have control over virtually nothing
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that had anything to do with making you who you are and has anything to
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do with controlling your future. I mean, you do realize that you are,
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you know, a victim or you are having to live your life and
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sync with things that you have no control over like everybody else. In other
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words, you're louder than everybody else, But you're not that special. I
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mean this is because wisdom understands. I mean, you've met people like this
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and maybe you are a people like that, and you're like, I already
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don't like you, okay, so just you know, be patient. Wisdom,
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Wisdom understands. That's what wisdom is. Wisdom is understanding how the world
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works, how things are. That's why the wiser you are, the more
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humble you're going to be because humility makes more sense. But humility is in
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fact, humility is so powerful. But humility is not natural natural, well,
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James tells us. He says, but he says, here's the opposite
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of all that. But if you harbor that is, you allow it to
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dock, if you allow envy to dock, if you allow selfish ambition to
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dock, you know, to harbor in your hearts, if you allow things
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that really fly in the face of reality, fly in the face of the
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way that the world really works, envy, envy is you know, it's
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not fair. Well, life's not fair. I mean fairness ended in the
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garden of Eden. I mean nothing's been fair since right. I mean,
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how many of you can dunk a basketball? You know, right, exactly?
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So it's not fair. Okay, but we tell our kids that all
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the time. But he said, if you if you allow things to get
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lodged in your heart, that's the point of this series. If you get
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things lodged in your heart that really out of sync with reality, the way
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the world works, then it's just going to go bad for you, and
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what's in you is going to come out of you. If you let all
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that stuff live down in there unaddressed, it's going to be a problem.
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And he says, look, and don't boast his wording is a little funky
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here, and don't boast about it or deny the truth. So, but
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if you harbor bitter envy, you kind of keep it on the inside and
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selfish ambition. It's all about you, because people who lack wisdom lack humility,
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and to make the world all about themselves. Making the world all about
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you is not wise. Making the world all about you doesn't even make any
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sense, he says. But if you're stuck there, if you allow that
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stuff to harbor in your heart, and it becomes the filter through which you
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live, through which you talk, through which you parent, through which you
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do marriage, he said, you're just denying the truth. And wise people
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don't deny the truth. Whise people live in light of the truth. And
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so James is saying to his audience, look, don't get stuck, and
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don't get satisfied, and don't pretend to be fine. God has called you
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to something better. And then he tells us kind of what we already know.
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He says, because wherever you find this stuff lodged in a heart,
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wherever you find somebody deceived into thinking they're more than they really are, and
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they lack wisdom and humility. For where you find this, he says,
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well, where you find this envy and selfish ambition, there you find here
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it is there you find disorder and every evil practice. And again this is
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kind of his fanciful way, not fanciful, but his complicated, wordy way
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of saying what Jesus said that when things get lodged inside of us, they're
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eventually coming out of us. And where you have arrogance and a lack of
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understanding of how the world works and the way things really are, and how
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dependent you are on the people around you in circumstances you had no control over.
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When you lose sight of that and arrogance gets lodged in your heart,
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eventually there's going to be disorder and every evil practice because people who allow these
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things to get lodged in their heart are able to justify just about anything.
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What's on the inside of you is coming for you, what's on the inside
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of view is coming for the people around you. So at this point,
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you know James is writing all this down, and it's like he pauses and
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thinks Okay, I got to get to the point. So he sort of
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laid the groundwork for where he's going. You know, how many among you
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are wise and you know have understanding. How many of you understand the power
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of humility. How many of you understand that you can't get stuff? You
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know, he's kind of laid the groundwork. And now he goes for his
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point. And now he tells us how to keep anger from lodging in our
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heart, and how to keep anger from becoming the boss of us. But
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he launches into this part of the discussion with another question. And here's the
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question. He says, So, having said all that, think about this.
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What causes fights? I've said, if you have wisdom, you'll have
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humility, and humility leads to more wisdom and understanding about how the world works.
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And if you allow bitter envy and selfish ambition to lodge in your heart,
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then there's going to be disorder and fights. And if you don't believe
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me, then think about this. Where do is Where does that hostility?
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Where do fights come from? What causes fights? What causes conflict? What
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causes fights? He goes on and quarrels among you. Now this is a
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really interesting question. What causes it? He's asking the question, what's the
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root cause. When some of you see this question, well some of us
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see this question, we say, well, James, you're asking the question
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incorrectly. It's not what, it's who. It's who causes fights and who
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causes quarrels. And I know the answer to that. It's my mom.
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She will not mind her own business. I am an adult, I have
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my own family, and my mom just God tell me how to parent,
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what to do, when to get up, and it doesn't look right.
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And every time she walks in my house, I feel judged. And I'm
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like, oh, I know what causes quarrels. It's not a what,
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it's a who. It's my dad, it's my brother in law. Every
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time he comes over, we're gonna talk about my yard, how to do
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my yard. I'm like, I don't even care. It's not your yard.
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It's not a what, it's a who. It's my ninth grade son.
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He knows everything. He knows everything, And the problem is he might
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really know everything and everything I do he was wrong, and he wins all
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the arguments, and I feel like, well, how did my ninth grade
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son get in control of our family. It's my boss, it's you know,
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the manager at work that you know. She just I don't know,
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there's something about her just greats on me. The problem is not a what.
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The problem is a who. And James is like, that's why we're
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talking about this, because you're wrong. It's a what, it's not a
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who. And as long as you think it's a who, you will never
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get to the root of the real what. So he says, where do
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fights and quarrels? Where does it come from? What's the source? And
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I want to look out there in the world and say, I'm just frustrated
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because I'm responding to something out there? He says, Come on, who
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is wise and understanding among you? Don't they really come from your desires?
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That battle inside of you, to which we say, no, they don't.
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Have you met You need to meet my boss, then you would understand
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the source of my quarrels. You need to meet my wife. I don't
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know, there's just something going on. You need to meet my husband.
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He used to be such a gentleman. You need and James and going,
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no, come on, come on, who is wise? Who is humble?
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Who is understanding among you? Let's face an important fact that could possibly
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change everything for you. The source of the fighting and the struggles and the
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quarrels among you, The source is something going on inside of you. They
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don't come from his or her inability to see the world the way that you
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see it, even though that's the way we often see it. I think
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that you know, the reason we struggle is because you won't see things my
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way. And if I could just get you to see things my way,
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which of course is the right way. If I could just get you to
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see things my way, then when we wouldn't fight in quarrel. And James
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says, no, you don't understand the root. And as long as you
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think the source is out there, you're never gonna deal with it, and
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you're actually gonna feed something ugly dangerous in here. Now, let me pause
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and say this, this principle, this thing he's teaching us, I'm telling
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you it is life changing. That's not hyperbole. It is relationship changing.
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It is relationship healing, and any relationship, in any relationship, if both
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parties can embrace what James is teaching us and telling us, it changes everything.
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So let me read the verse again. Don't they come from your desires
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that battle within you. And the answer is yes, they do every single
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time. Because the reason we fight, and the reason we quarrel, and
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the reason we're angry is because there's something we want that we aren't getting.
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There's something we want that we aren't getting. There's something I want. I
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want respect from him, and I'm not getting respect. I just want you
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to clean up your room because that shows you that you respect me, and
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I'm not getting what I want. I just want you to come home on
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time, because we talked about this ten times and you promised, and you
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won't come home on time. I just want you to give me a fair
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shot. I just want credit for my ideas. I'm upset and I'm frustrated,
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and anybody that hears my story says, you're right. But the root
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of it is not out there. The root of it isn't here because I'm
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not getting what I want to which I know what you how you respond,
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You respond the same way I do. But wait a minute, but I
22:22
earned it, right, You earned it, and you want to get what
22:26
you earned, right, yeah, And you're not getting what you earned right,
22:27
so you're not getting what you want. Oh yeah, but they promised.
22:33
I mean, come on, they promised and they didn't keep their promise,
22:37
right, so you want them to keep their promise. Yeah, so
22:41
you're not getting what you want. Yeah, okay, but it wasn't even
22:45
just I mean what they did anybody who heard my story, what they did
22:48
wasn't fair. I know. And you want what's fair, don't you?
22:51
Yes, I want what's fair. You're not getting what's fair. Are you
22:53
know? You're not getting what you want. And I'm just on you if
23:00
you can pause in the moment when the frustration or anger or rage or whatever
23:06
word you want to use, starts rising, and you can pause in the
23:10
moment and recognize, you know what the problem is. The problem is part
23:14
of the problem is me. Now see, parents, we should this should
23:18
be so intuitive for us. Right if you're a parent and you have two
23:21
little kids, or at any point had two little kids, because you're driving,
23:23
Remember you got one hand on the wheel and one hand on the back
23:27
seat are two rows, and you're going stop it be quiet, and your
23:32
kids are back here negotiating, going he she, and you're going. It
23:34
doesn't matter, It doesn't matter. I don't need to be the judge I'm
23:37
just the jury. You're both guilty, so be quiet and quit touching her
23:41
and get on the other. Why because as the parent, you know the
23:45
problem isn't really the presenting problem. The problem is there's two kids in the
23:48
back seat and they both want something and neither one of them are getting what
23:51
they want. And it's like our heavenly Father's going there's a reason I asked
23:55
you to call me a heavenly father, because you're still like children and at
24:00
the source, at the root of every single argument and quarrel you've ever had,
24:03
at the source, the root. The source is not out there,
24:07
It starts right here. You want something and you're not getting it. And
24:12
I'm telling you, the moment you begin to embrace this as a lifestyle,
24:18
the temperature goes down, and anger will no longer be the boss of you.
24:23
It won't control as we're going to see your moods or your mouth.
24:26
Now. James goes on because he knows he's got to say this two or
24:30
three more times because it's too easy to miss. He says, you desire,
24:33
but you do not have, so you kill are like, Okay,
24:37
that's got to be hyperbole. Well it is, but it isn't. His
24:41
point is this, and this is what should cause all of us to stop
24:45
and at least consider whether or not this is true. His point is this.
24:48
He's saying, Look, if you don't recognize, if you don't recognize
24:52
that the source and the root is in here, not out there, you
24:56
will carry the potential to do things you You'll carry the potential to take things
25:00
to an unhealthy, destructive extreme. As long as you think it's him.
25:06
Don't miss this. As long as you think it's him, and since you
25:08
can't control him, you will feel like you have an excuse not to control
25:15
you. As long as I think it's her and it's one hundred percent her,
25:19
then since I can't control her, I give up all reasoning when it
25:23
comes to controlling me. Because she deserves that. He deserves it, They
25:26
deserve it, whatever it is. And James says, look, I'm telling
25:30
you the very thing that leads to murder, it is inside of you.
25:33
Because what causes murder. Somebody wants something they can't get any other way,
25:38
or they want something they can't get, and it drives them to murder.
25:41
Somehow, it justifies a response, and they blame the other person and James
25:47
says, hey, heads up, all of you wise people, all of
25:49
you people that are wise and have understanding that's inside of you, that's inside
25:56
of you. To think for a moment that you don't have it in you
25:57
to do something unhealthy to another person in order to get what you want.
26:02
Don't deceive yourself. Be humble enough to recognize, oh, my goodness,
26:07
that resides in me. Then he wraps up like this. He says,
26:11
come on, you're envious. You're envious, and you can't obtain. You
26:15
want it and you can't get there. You want to break, you're not
26:18
getting a break. Everybody got theirs, you haven't gotten yours yet. Everybody
26:21
got in you didn't get in yet. Everybody drives on you don't drive one
26:25
yet. Everybody else's kids, everybody else's you know, everybody else. He
26:27
says, you want it and you can't get so you fight and you quarrel.
26:32
You can't get from him what you want. You can't get from her
26:34
what you want. You can't get the approval of the acceptance. I mean,
26:37
just fill in the blank. We've all got that stuff. But his
26:40
point is, come on, the source is not out there. The source
26:45
is in here. We aren't getting our way, we aren't getting what we
26:56
want. We're like the kids in the back seat and our heavenly fathers going,
27:02
hey, stop it. I don't want to hear the head. No,
27:04
no, no, we're not gonna talk about the details. And so
27:07
you can get on your side of the car, your side of the van,
27:10
your side of the vehicle, and think for a minute, Wait a
27:12
minute, what's causing this. It's not her see you again. If I
27:18
shake you up, what comes out? It's what's in there. And you
27:21
can't say, well, if you'd stop shaking me, this wouldn't be in
27:22
here. Now. What comes out is what's in there? And what does
27:26
conflict do? Conflict just shakes us up? And what comes out, Oh
27:30
my goodness. I just want my way. I want what I deserve.
27:34
I want what was promised. And of course, just to make sure you
27:37
don't hear me saying something I'm not. Of course, there are circumstances that
27:41
should upset you, and of course being treated unfairly should upset you, and
27:45
of course not having a promise kept should upset you. But in the midst,
27:49
in the middle of the conversation, as it dawns on you mature,
27:53
wise people of understanding pause and say, you know what, part of the
27:57
problem is not the whole problem, but part of the problem, My part
28:03
of the problem. The source of the problem is I'm not getting what I
28:07
want. I am telling you, When you can own your slice of the
28:11
argument, Pie, when you can own your slice of the argument, Pie,
28:15
the temperature comes down, and anger and rage and frustration will no longer
28:22
be the boss of you. Now, I've taught this passage many times.
28:27
I think I should teach it every six months because it's easy, but it's
28:30
easy to forget. And so every time I teach this, I recommend that
28:34
you do something that's a little bit odd. But every time I suggest this,
28:37
I get responses where people who did this and they say it was kind
28:40
of weird, but it's kind of funny. And now it's become part of
28:42
the rhythm of our life. So if you're a married couple, if you're
28:45
in a serious relationship, if you have a roommate and you and the roommate
28:48
are kind of back and forth and both of you hear this talk, I'm
28:52
telling you, any two people who embrace this idea, this changes everything.
28:56
So I suggest I mean, I do this with Sandra. We just kind
29:00
of laugh about it. I suggest that you actually say this out loud in
29:03
the middle of the conflict, even if you're the only person who understands the
29:07
principle, but if both of you understand that, I'm telling you, it's
29:10
amazing what happens. You just you know, you're having a conflict, You're
29:14
having an argument tried at work, even with people who don't know about this,
29:15
And you say, you know what, do you know? What?
29:18
Do you know what part of the problem is, don't you do you know
29:19
what part of the problem is I'm not getting what I want? There is
29:25
no comeback to that. That's like, wait, what, Yeah, you
29:30
know what part of the problem is. I'm not getting what I want?
29:37
Right, And I guess I'm not getting what I wow. So I tell
29:45
you what, Let's send each other to each other's room. I'm gonna send
29:48
myself to my room, and you send yourself to your room, and I'm
29:51
gonna sit in my room until it finally I kind of own my slice of
29:53
the pie. And once I own my slice of the pie, then I'm
29:56
gonna come back out. We're gonna talk. So you know, I want
30:00
us to actually practice this now. The first time, we're just gonna read
30:03
it, and then the second time we're gonna do it with some attitude.
30:04
Okay, because I'm telling you and I'll give you illustrations just a minute.
30:07
This is a very powerful habit, even if you just do it under your
30:11
breath. What this does is this basically your way of saying anger. U
30:15
uh uh. Okay. This may be unfair, this may be unjest.
30:18
They broke a promise, they broke a vow. But you know what,
30:19
anger, You're not the boss of me. I gotta get through this.
30:22
I gotta make a wise decision. I am a person of wisdom and understanding.
30:26
I am not arrogant, and I'm not letting any ships pull up to
30:29
my harbor that are full of envy and bitterness. Okay, so I'm gonna
30:33
own my slice of the pie. So ready, we're gonna just say this
30:37
out loud. Just read it, everybody, even if you're watching it home
30:40
by yourself, to just play along. Ready, you know what part of
30:42
the problem is, don't do that was so bad? Okay, come on,
30:47
this is hard for some of you. In fact, if you're sitting
30:48
like this right now at least, come on, give me a little body
30:52
language support here. Okay, here we go. You know what part of
30:56
the problem is, don't you I'm not getting what I want. Yeah,
31:02
imagine saying that in the middle of a conflict, and let me tell you
31:07
what this is true. It is part of the problem. I'm not saying
31:11
it's the whole problem, but in many cases it's a bigger part than we
31:15
want to know about our own. So one more time, with a little
31:18
more attitude this time. Ready, here we go. You know what,
31:27
Let's try that, James says. I'll tell you what if you do that,
31:32
you're wise. You know how the world works. You do that,
31:34
you own that. You're a person who's humble because you understand how the world
31:38
works. You're someone with insight. You're someone with knowledge of self. Self
31:44
knowledge that means you have emotional IQ. You have EQ that is so powerful
31:49
and goes beyond the average because you're able to stop in the middle and say,
31:52
okay, part of the problem is. So I want to ask you
31:55
a question. This isn't a James question. Is this is just a me
31:59
question? What is your relationship with anger? What is your I know it's
32:06
an odd question. What is your relationship with anger? Do you let it
32:10
boss you around? Do you allow it to get in control of your mouth
32:15
or your mood? As I said earlier, I'm an introvert, so when
32:21
I get angry, I just I go in and my moods are paralyzing.
32:24
I mean, I've just had to learn. Okay, But what is your
32:28
relationship with anger? And are you ready to put an end to that?
32:35
Or let me ask you a different way. If I were to ask your
32:37
husband or your wife, your best friend, your roommate, your boyfriend,
32:38
your girlfriend, your best friend, Hey, what is her talking about you?
32:42
What is her talking about you? What is his relationship with anger?
32:45
What would they say? And do you allow it to be the boss of
32:49
you? Do you allow it to be the boss of you in one particular
32:52
relationship because there's just somebody who just gets to you. Do you allow it
32:57
to be the boss of you with certain kinds of people because those certain kinds
33:00
of people they just get to you? Is it the boss of you in
33:05
one particular environment? Maybe just at home? Everybody at works just thinks you're
33:08
the finest kind, is amazing, the most amazing person. And folks at
33:13
home are walking around on eggshells? Are you ready to put an end to
33:15
that? To do that, you'll have to humble yourself. This calls for
33:22
humility. Humility is the most logical thing we can ever do. Humility makes
33:29
sense. Arrogance makes no sense. Pride makes no sense. Arrogance and pride
33:32
never lead anywhere good. Humility says, you know what, it's not all
33:37
my fault, But you know what, I'm gonna own my part of it.
33:39
And I'm going to own my part of it to where arrogance, to
33:43
where it anger no longer controls my mouth or my mood. Part of the
33:47
problem, part of the problem is you're not getting your way so and you
33:53
only you know how this works when you feel it rising up, and before
33:57
this day is over, for some of you, you're gonna get to practice.
33:59
Though. It just starts rising up. It's traffic. I mean,
34:04
it's traffic. You starts rising up. If you're at a restaurant and you
34:06
know it's just not what you ordered, or it's something more serious. You
34:08
get home and he didn't or she did, or the kids, or you
34:12
know, you get to work tomorrow, it's gonna start rising up on the
34:14
inside of you. That's when you say, anger, you're not the boss
34:21
of me. I'm onto you. You want me to think it's him.
34:25
You want me to think it's her. You want me to think it's them.
34:29
But Anger, I'm on to you. It's me. I want something
34:32
and I'm not getting it. And anger, I'm owning my slice of the
34:38
pie. And you will not control control my mouth, and you will not
34:43
control my mood. And besides, and I've said this every week, if
34:49
you're a Christian or if you're a Jesus follower, I like the phrase Jesus
34:52
follower. If you're a Jesus follower, you already have a boss of you,
34:57
right Jesus. That's why, Lord Boss, you already have a boss
35:01
of you who, by the way, didn't get everything he wanted either.
35:07
In fact, you have a boss who said no to himself so he could
35:12
give you what you needed most. You have a boss. You have a
35:16
lord who said no to himself so that he could give you precisely what you
35:22
needed most. The apostle Paul captured this in beautiful language, and I'll close
35:27
with this. He said this talking about Jesus, who again, you're a
35:30
Jesus follower, and he said, you know, follow me, He said,
35:34
who Jesus talking about Jesus being in the very nature God. So what
35:37
does God get? Well, God should get wherever he wants. What does
35:40
God deserve? Whatever God deserves, what should come God's way? And everything
35:45
that should just go God's way? Who, being in very nature God,
35:49
did not consider equality with God something to be used to his own advantage.
35:54
So on multiple occasions, Jesus doesn't get what he wants. Jesus doesn't get
35:59
what he deserves. And he never powered up. He never walked in and
36:01
said, okay, I'm Jesus. Okay, if you not been paying attention,
36:07
I'm Jesus. So you sit down and you shut up, and I'm
36:09
want the corner table. And I know they got here first, but ask
36:12
them to move. Jesus, come on, Paul said. He never did
36:15
that. Instead, he humbled himself. Look at this next phrase. Rather,
36:21
he made himself nothing. He chose nothing over something on behalf of the
36:27
world and on behalf of you, by taking the very nature of a servant.
36:30
And then Paul in the same passages, now Christians, now Jesus followers,
36:35
here's what this looks like to follow Jesus here's what it looks like to
36:38
take this idea and to live it out in the real world. And here's
36:42
what he says. In your relationships with one another. In your relationships with
36:49
one another, in your relationship with your father, your mother, that roommate,
36:52
the boyfriend, the girlfriend, that cousin, that brother in law,
36:55
that said what, in your relationships with one another, have the same mindset
37:02
as Christ Jesus who humbled himself, and how far did he go? How
37:08
low did he go? Who humbled himself by dying and not dying just any
37:13
death, Paul says, but death on a cross. It's okay not to
37:20
get everything you want. It's okay not to get everything you deserve. In
37:24
fact, it is better not to get everything you want and everything you deserve,
37:29
if that's what it takes to keep anger from being the boss of you.
37:34
You see, one of the reasons following Jesus will make your life better,
37:37
and one of the reasons that following Jesus makes us better at life is
37:42
that Jesus will always nudge us away from self centeredness and arrogance to other centeredness
37:47
and humility. Jesus will always nudge you away from self centeredness and arrogance toward
37:54
other centeredness and humility. And listen. When you move towards other centerness and
38:00
humility, your life gets bigger, and your life gets better, and you
38:07
will be free to live a life where anger is not the boss of you.
38:15
Now, as we've done in every one of these messages, I want
38:19
to give you a list of questions to talk about over lunch or maybe in
38:22
your small group and if maybe, if you're doing this as a curriculum later,
38:23
to come back to these. So if you get your phone out,
38:24
I want you to take a picture of this, if you don't mind,
38:28
And if you follow any of our churches on social media, all of our
38:30
social media will have these pictures. Are these posts all week long, so
38:34
you can do a screenshot. And the questions are simply this to describe with
38:37
somebody your relationship with anger. This is a dangerous question to do in family,
38:42
but you should just try it. Yeah, And do you shout out
38:45
or shut down? Are you like me, you're kind of go in or
38:47
are you kind of an expressive? What are your triggers? And who are
38:51
your triggers? I mean, what are those environments? Because for some of
38:52
you, anger is only the boss of you in one relationship. Anger is
38:55
only the boss of you in one environment. And are you ready to acknowledge
39:00
that part of the problem is you're not getting what you want. Now,
39:05
I want to just say one thing to married couples and then we're done.
39:07
Okay, married couples, let me tell you what's gonna happen. Because you
39:09
both heard this message, you know, twelve hours, within twelve hours,
39:14
within one hour, within thirty I don't know. You're gonna be in the
39:16
car, You're gonna be somewhere, and it's gonna start, and you're both
39:21
gonna remember this message, and one of you is gonna go first. The
39:27
most mature person, the most humble person, this is cheating. The most
39:37
christ like person in your relationship will go first. Can I say something to
39:45
men, There's only one reason we don't go first. It's pride. And
39:52
you've lived long enough to know that if pride pulls up and harbors in your
39:59
heart, nothing good comes from it. So married couples, when it starts,
40:05
you just be the first to say hey before you say anything else.
40:07
Do you know what part of the problem is here, I'm not getting what
40:12
I want? Can you imagine what would happen in any relationship when we own
40:16
our slice. When we own our slice of the anger, frustration, rage,
40:22
pie, anger will no longer be the boss of you, and anger
40:24
may no longer be a factor in your most valued relationships. Let me pray
40:32
for us and we'll go. Father, Thank you for James, Thank you
40:37
for preserving these words for two thousand years. Now, give us the wisdom
40:45
to know what to do with what we just heard, Give us the courage
40:47
to do it. Revolutionize our relationships. And I pray that none of us
40:53
would spend another day allowing anger to be the boss of us. And I
40:58
pray all of this in Jesus' name. Amen, thanks for being here.
41:01
Next week we'll talk about fear. Don't miss next week. Have a great week.