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From the Archives: Your Friends Didn’t Plan For This Either · We Didn't Plan for This Podcast

0:00
SPEAKER_01: Hi, this is Adrian.
0:02
SPEAKER_01: Welcome to another episode of How Yoga Changed My Life, a podcast.
0:06
SPEAKER_01: We talk a lot about what it feels like to go through something, but today we're talking about the other side of it, being the friend.
0:15
SPEAKER_01: Because the truth is, your friend didn't plan for this either.
0:20
SPEAKER_01: And there's this quiet pressure that comes with that.
0:23
SPEAKER_01: To say the right thing, to show up the right way, to somehow know what someone else needs.
0:32
SPEAKER_01: But they probably don't even know themselves.
0:35
SPEAKER_01: And if you've ever been in that position, you know it's not as simple as people make it sound.
0:40
SPEAKER_01: You may overthink the text, say the wrong thing, you might wait too long or reach out too much, but you want to help.
0:48
SPEAKER_01: But you also don't want to make it worse.
0:50
SPEAKER_01: So this conversation isn't about advice.
0:53
SPEAKER_01: It's not polished, it's just real.
0:56
SPEAKER_01: What it actually feels like to care about someone who's going through something and try to show up anyway.
1:06
SPEAKER_02: You know, it's like I don't even want to talk about it.
1:10
SPEAKER_02: It's just hard.
1:11
SPEAKER_02: I just don't want to talk about it.
1:12
SPEAKER_02: But like the week that Brian was in the hospital taking knowing what to do for you was very tangible.
1:20
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
1:21
SPEAKER_02: Because I took over your clients.
1:24
SPEAKER_02: I sat down at the computer, I got a hold of everybody, I divvied them up to everybody.
1:29
SPEAKER_02: Who's gonna see them this week?
1:30
SPEAKER_02: Who's gonna see them permanently?
1:32
SPEAKER_02: Because those they weren't, they were often not the same people.
1:34
SPEAKER_02: It's like who can see them this week, who can see them permanently.
1:37
SPEAKER_02: And it was an important job, and it was very tangible, and it was very clear cut, and it was very satisfying.
1:42
SPEAKER_02: I like I could say to you and to Amelie, be like, I have taken care of something important.
1:48
SPEAKER_01: Check the box, yeah.
1:49
SPEAKER_01: I mean, because I was in no position to take care of anything at all.
1:53
SPEAKER_02: And and and I didn't, I don't think I even called you about anybody.
1:56
SPEAKER_02: I was just like, No, good, I'll do it.
1:59
SPEAKER_02: And and so that that it was just so tangible.
2:05
SPEAKER_02: This needs to be done, and I did it.
2:07
SPEAKER_02: And then of course, the tragedy went on for weeks and months.
2:12
SPEAKER_02: And what I could do as a as a friend, as a support system, it got murkier and murkier.
2:19
SPEAKER_02: And of course, your needs got greater and greater and greater.
2:25
SPEAKER_02: And we're kind of we're going through it a bit with Nora as well.
2:28
SPEAKER_02: But like, you know, like we all we all saw her immediately before the surgery to pick her up and you know, keep keep her spirits up and uh and called her and texted her and everything afterwards and and and with the family.
2:46
SPEAKER_02: And now her results weren't exactly what expected.
2:52
SPEAKER_02: And the doctor needs to see her, but like she doesn't know when, and she doesn't know exactly what they're gonna do, and doesn't know if chemo is gonna be there.
2:59
SPEAKER_02: So her stress level is getting just like you, it's like the stress level is getting worse and worse and worse.
3:05
SPEAKER_02: And what it is that we can do for her is getting murkier.
3:10
SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
3:11
SPEAKER_02: Cause I like isn't anything to do right now.
3:13
SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
3:14
SPEAKER_01: Well, and I think that that's interesting because like you are a you are a task master master, right?
3:19
SPEAKER_01: Like you're able to say, okay, I see something that needs to be done, right?
3:23
SPEAKER_01: Like you homeschooled your kids, you were able to, you know, have them all graduate Doogie Houser style.
3:28
SPEAKER_01: And like they all did.
3:30
SPEAKER_01: They're all like Doogie Houser.
3:34
unknown: No.
3:37
SPEAKER_01: But seriously, it's like you were able to do that for your kids, right?
3:41
SPEAKER_01: So then when it comes to, and at least my knowing of you is that you're very empathic.
3:47
SPEAKER_01: You're very much, you feel the feels of everyone around you, and you are kind of like the you're the happy cloud in the sky, right?
3:55
SPEAKER_01: Like it's like there's a sunshine and there's Natalie, you know, and then like you're you're that bright sun shiny person.
4:02
SPEAKER_01: So then tragedy strikes.
4:03
SPEAKER_01: Then it's like, okay, I can't be myself, right?
4:08
SPEAKER_01: Do you ever feel like that?
4:10
SPEAKER_02: No, absolutely.
4:11
SPEAKER_02: And and I I told you what Katie said the other day, and I think it's freaking hilarious.
4:19
SPEAKER_02: And she just says that I'm I'm going through life in a convertible and just the rain and the wind, that's I love that.
4:27
SPEAKER_01: Yep.
4:27
SPEAKER_02: She's like, Mom, you've got no protection.
4:31
SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
4:31
SPEAKER_02: You're just out there in the elements.
4:33
SPEAKER_01: You are.
4:34
SPEAKER_01: You're driving with no windshield.
4:35
SPEAKER_01: With no windshield, just fucking just getting smacked in the face.
4:39
SPEAKER_02: And you just straighten your hair.
4:42
SPEAKER_02: Right.
4:44
SPEAKER_02: Oh my God, hold up.
4:46
SPEAKER_02: I sent this to Nora to make her laugh.
4:50
SPEAKER_02: I I walk the dogs every morning, and often I walk them around the shops at Loch and Terra because it's right here.
4:57
SPEAKER_00: Right.
4:58
SPEAKER_02: And I typically just roll out of bed.
5:02
SPEAKER_02: Where is Nora?
5:04
SPEAKER_02: I typically roll out of bed and leash up the dogs and go.
5:07
SPEAKER_02: It's the first thing I do.
5:08
SPEAKER_02: And um, I saw my reflection in a door window, so I took a selfie.
5:16
SPEAKER_02: Humbling.
5:25
SPEAKER_02: For like 30 minutes, and it's not the first time.
5:28
SPEAKER_02: That's what I look like every morning.
5:30
SPEAKER_01: Wait, there's another.
5:31
SPEAKER_01: Wait, you sent us the one where you were out in the parking lot in the rain that one day, too.
5:35
SPEAKER_02: Oh, right, right, right, right.
5:37
SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
5:38
SPEAKER_01: That was great.
5:38
SPEAKER_02: And like I sleep with my hair and braids, and one braid had come out and the other hadn't.
5:44
SPEAKER_02: And mine just went into public like that.
5:46
SPEAKER_04: I love it.
5:47
SPEAKER_02: Send me that picture.
5:49
SPEAKER_02: This is what it looks like when you're riding around in the convertible.
5:53
SPEAKER_01: There you go.
5:54
SPEAKER_02: Yep.
5:55
SPEAKER_01: But you're right.
5:55
SPEAKER_01: Like, and I liked how Katie said it too, because she talked about the actual like windshield of a car.
6:02
SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
6:02
SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
6:02
SPEAKER_02: She's she's like, she's like, well, in therapy, we like try to teach people um that if they're reliving an e an event that that's traumatic, that that there's there's a you know, there's that windshield in between them and the event that they can they can remember it, but there's there's protection because it's not the current reality.
6:24
SPEAKER_02: And then she was like, but you, mom.
6:26
SPEAKER_02: Open time.
6:27
SPEAKER_02: Um yeah, and so I mean I just things make me happy very easily, but but it's the same with heavy, it's the same with heavy.
6:42
SPEAKER_02: When things get heavy, things get really heavy.
6:43
SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
6:44
SPEAKER_02: Um, and and I'm I'm not an even keeled person.
6:48
SPEAKER_02: I get you.
6:49
SPEAKER_02: So yeah.
6:51
SPEAKER_02: So I mean, yeah, it's like I'm sunshine and everything's hilarious, and we're having so much fun, and then and then it's like a black hole.
6:59
SPEAKER_01: You're not really a black hole though.
7:01
SPEAKER_01: I will say that if you're going through shit, you're more like like you pull in.
7:07
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, you go inward.
7:09
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, go inward.
7:10
SPEAKER_01: It's just like it's like a cave.
7:11
SPEAKER_01: You go into your cave, is what I call it for myself.
7:13
SPEAKER_01: Like when I'm when I'm having it bad, I'm like, I'm in my cave.
7:16
SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
7:16
SPEAKER_01: You know, just kind of let me be in my little cave.
7:18
SPEAKER_01: But I think it's hard when, you know, we went through the tragedy of losing Brian, and then we find out that Nora's got breast cancer.
7:26
SPEAKER_01: And finding out that Nora's got breast cancer, and then it's like, okay, you guys have survived January, February, without me at work and having to take care of all of my clients and your clients and everything else in between.
7:40
SPEAKER_01: And then I come back and it's like, okay, Nora's got cancer, she's leaving in a week and a half.
7:45
SPEAKER_03: Yep.
7:45
SPEAKER_01: And we gotta figure that all out.
7:47
SPEAKER_01: It was hard.
7:48
SPEAKER_01: And it was hard from the standpoint of like, what do you say to someone who has prepared her past 13 years to not get breast cancer?
7:56
SPEAKER_01: And she freaking gets breast cancer.
7:59
SPEAKER_04: Yeah.
7:59
SPEAKER_01: You know, and she lives an hour away.
8:02
SPEAKER_04: So it's not like on top of everything.
8:04
SPEAKER_04: Yeah.
8:05
SPEAKER_01: I let me tell you, I didn't even get to tell you the detail of like, so I went up this past Monday night.
8:09
SPEAKER_01: So she got home from Austin on Sunday, and then Denny was leaving Monday to go to that firefighter certification.
8:17
SPEAKER_01: So I was like, okay, I'll go up and spend the night with you because I'll already be at work, and then I'll just spend the night and then I'll drive in in the next morning.
8:25
SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
8:25
SPEAKER_01: And so, like driving out there, it was daylight.
8:29
SPEAKER_01: And so it was a beautiful drive, right?
8:32
SPEAKER_01: Really curvy back roads in the hill country.
8:35
SPEAKER_01: And I'm looking around, I'm like, God, the speed limit on this one lane road is 70.
8:39
SPEAKER_04: We were on 46.
8:41
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, I was on 46 for a while.
8:42
SPEAKER_01: And then I was on another road, but it literally was like so fast.
8:46
SPEAKER_01: And I'm going, how the fuck can I even go this fast on this road?
8:50
SPEAKER_01: Like I felt like a grandma going 55.
8:53
SPEAKER_01: Like, I'm just like, I can't even push it any further.
8:55
SPEAKER_04: So many, I mean, then you wonder why there's so many dead animals on the side.
8:59
SPEAKER_04: Oh, I know.
8:59
SPEAKER_04: It makes me so sad.
9:00
SPEAKER_04: Every like 15 feet is some sort of dead animal.
9:03
SPEAKER_01: Well the next morning when I got up, I got up at 3:30 so I could be out the door before four.
9:08
SPEAKER_01: Oh, geez, you drove it in the dark.
9:10
SPEAKER_01: I drove it in the no, I'm not even kidding.
9:12
SPEAKER_01: It was like black.
9:13
SPEAKER_01: It was pitch black.
9:15
SPEAKER_01: There's no light pollution there.
9:17
SPEAKER_01: No light pollution out there.
9:18
SPEAKER_01: Literally.
9:19
SPEAKER_01: Oh wow.
9:19
SPEAKER_01: I mean, I walked out to the car, turned the car on, and when I got in the car and put my stuff in, you know how like the lights in your car dim down to nothing until you turn the car on?
9:29
SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
9:30
SPEAKER_01: It was like dark.
9:32
SPEAKER_01: I was like, I can't even see my hand in front of my face.
9:34
SPEAKER_02: Oh my god.
9:35
SPEAKER_01: I'm like, this is fucking crazy.
9:37
SPEAKER_01: It was cool, but also crazy.
9:38
SPEAKER_02: So then I started to have a part of your brain that's like it's kind of cool.
9:42
SPEAKER_01: But then I'm also like, I hear her, but also like Nora can't help me right now, so I'm fucked.
9:51
SPEAKER_02: No, I've been set up for the zombie apocalypse.
9:54
SPEAKER_01: She is totally set up for the zombie apocalypse.
9:56
SPEAKER_01: Well, turn away, and I feel like too, like, like I didn't know what to do when I got there.
10:00
SPEAKER_01: I'm like, she's in a lot of pain.
10:02
SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
10:02
SPEAKER_01: Like it's not like I'm like, hey, let's go.
10:04
SPEAKER_01: You want me to paint your nails?
10:06
SPEAKER_01: You know, it's like she was not feeling good at all.
10:08
SPEAKER_01: So it's more like I was like, well, I'm just, I'm here.
10:11
SPEAKER_01: You're here.
10:12
SPEAKER_01: You're here.
10:12
SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
10:13
SPEAKER_01: And I kind of feel like, especially with what what Campbell and I went through, you guys were there.
10:19
SPEAKER_01: And that's really all it is.
10:21
SPEAKER_04: That's all you can do.
10:22
SPEAKER_01: It doesn't even matter if you're not physically there, but if you're just, you know, you send the text, you send a note, you you make a phone call.
10:31
SPEAKER_01: It it means the world to me.
10:33
SPEAKER_01: And I know it does for all of us when we've been through shit.
10:37
SPEAKER_01: When you get that call or you get that text, you know, you know that your friend's there for you.
10:42
SPEAKER_04: It's so important.
10:43
SPEAKER_04: It's something I I always took for granted until this whole thing happened.
10:47
SPEAKER_04: It was just a simple sending love, or you know, I brought over some flowers, or here's a card.
10:54
SPEAKER_04: Yeah.
10:54
SPEAKER_04: You know, just simple things like that that, you know, people do for you on your birthday and for an anniversary and for Christmas.
11:00
SPEAKER_04: But it's like when something so traumatic and dramatic happens to you, even the people that you don't speak to saying, you know what, I'm just praying for you.
11:11
SPEAKER_04: It it's I mean, it literally feels so important.
11:16
SPEAKER_01: It makes it feel a little bit less heavy.
11:18
SPEAKER_04: Yeah.
11:19
SPEAKER_01: Because you know you got somebody, yeah, you know, but it takes a toll on friends.
11:24
SPEAKER_04: It does.
11:25
SPEAKER_01: You know, it does.
11:27
SPEAKER_04: It's like the thing that we were talking about.
11:28
SPEAKER_04: Like it's in our podcast where it's so easy to when you're in the thick of grief, when you're in the thick of going through something really hard, to think that it's only happening to you right now.
11:38
SPEAKER_04: And because your feelings are so overwhelming and so overpowering that you can't possibly fathom anybody else feeling the same way or more.
11:46
SPEAKER_04: Yeah.
11:47
SPEAKER_04: And then you forget that that's not how anything worked.
11:51
SPEAKER_04: Right.
11:51
SPEAKER_04: And you look around and you see that even if people are laughing and smiling and bringing cake to your door, they are still grieving.
11:58
SPEAKER_04: Even if people are attending the funeral and didn't shed a tear, they are still grieving.
12:02
SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
12:02
SPEAKER_04: Even if people are just sending love, they are still grieving for the person that they lost or the event that happened or something that changed.
12:09
SPEAKER_04: Like, and it is it it was something I realized after the funeral that I was like, oh my gosh, like it was not just me, my sister, and my mom.
12:17
SPEAKER_04: It was everybody.
12:18
unknown: Yeah.
12:18
SPEAKER_04: Yeah.
12:19
SPEAKER_04: And I mean it's sounds like a stupid realization, but like No, no, no.
12:23
SPEAKER_02: No, because I know you have those moments of clarity.
12:25
SPEAKER_04: Yeah, where it it is kind of like, you know, especially when it's like your parent or somebody that you haven't known their whole lives, like a friend or something like that.
12:36
SPEAKER_04: Like it's not like a sibling where it's like twins or something, but like it's somebody where like there's different versions that people know.
12:42
SPEAKER_01: Oh, yeah.
12:43
SPEAKER_04: You know, and getting to hear about that from like dad's friends from courses or his parents or his brother or whatever, like those different stories are so.
12:54
SPEAKER_01: Exactly.
12:55
SPEAKER_01: Well, and I think too, like with like someone who just gets diagnosed with breast cancer or with any kind of cancer, with any kind of disease or diagnosis, it's like we can't fix them, right?
13:06
SPEAKER_01: I don't here's the thing I will say is that I personally going through this experience, do not have a bad feeling towards any of anyone that I've interacted with that has said the wrong thing in air quotes, right?
13:25
SPEAKER_01: Like, yeah, yeah, yeah.
13:26
SPEAKER_01: You know, well, at least he died with his family around.
13:29
SPEAKER_01: Well, at least, you know, you have your girls.
13:32
SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
13:32
SPEAKER_01: Well, at least it wasn't blah, blah, blah.
13:34
SPEAKER_01: No, they don't know.
13:35
SPEAKER_01: And it's like, I I'm not mad at people for saying the wrong thing because how can I expect people to know what to say to me about something that has happened to me that is so traumatic and so, you know.
13:46
SPEAKER_04: Unexpected.
13:47
SPEAKER_01: Unexpected, exactly.
13:48
SPEAKER_01: How do we as friends then manage our energies to show up for the person that needs us?
13:55
SPEAKER_04: That's a good question.
13:57
SPEAKER_04: Yeah.
13:59
SPEAKER_01: You know, like we need a windshield.
14:01
SPEAKER_01: We need the bubble.
14:03
SPEAKER_01: We do, right?
14:04
SPEAKER_02: Like and I think I misplaced mine.
14:07
SPEAKER_01: Yours flew out the back already.
14:10
SPEAKER_02: Somewhere.
14:12
SPEAKER_04: It's almost like you need to put on a bubble for yourself to go be there for somebody else when you are also going through something yourself.
14:22
SPEAKER_04: Like it's almost like I'm I wouldn't want to show up to somebody's, you know, grandpa's funeral when I just, you know, found out I was pregnant.
14:31
SPEAKER_04: Like I wouldn't want to make something about me and I wouldn't want to do that.
14:34
SPEAKER_04: So it's like it's almost like you have to, I guess just watch what you say.
14:39
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, but then how is that fair?
14:41
SPEAKER_01: How can we actually say to our friends, like, watch what you say?
14:44
SPEAKER_04: Yeah.
14:44
SPEAKER_01: You know, because you could really impact me.
14:46
SPEAKER_01: No, no, no, no, no.
14:48
SPEAKER_04: And I would never tell somebody to do that.
14:50
SPEAKER_04: Right.
14:50
SPEAKER_04: But I mean, it really, like so many people surprise me on some stupid things they said after dad passed away.
14:56
SPEAKER_04: Oh, yeah.
14:57
SPEAKER_04: It was, I mean, a long list.
14:58
SPEAKER_04: But it's not like I'm like, okay, and now I'm gonna kill you.
15:01
SPEAKER_04: You're on the shit list.
15:02
SPEAKER_04: No, exactly.
15:02
SPEAKER_04: You're on the shit list.
15:03
SPEAKER_04: Now I don't care.
15:04
SPEAKER_02: It it it it it it's one of those maybe maybe you get a pass.
15:08
SPEAKER_02: It's like, yeah, I I appreciate that you're here, yeah, and I'm just gonna disregard what came out of your mouth.
15:13
SPEAKER_04: I just need to pretend like I didn't hear that because that was crazy.
15:16
SPEAKER_04: Because this is a stressful situation.
15:18
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, no one knows what to do or say, and nobody knows what to do.
15:21
SPEAKER_01: No, and I feel like if everybody gets a pass.
15:23
SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
15:24
SPEAKER_01: And I think if you're one of those people that has that, oh, I like I have a tendency to open my mouth and insert my foot, right?
15:31
SPEAKER_01: So I'm trying to be more um broad in how I approach, you know, people that are going through things that come to me now.
15:40
SPEAKER_01: And I'm like, okay, you know, I can share my experiences with you, you know, or I can listen to you, you know, I can support you, I can ask questions, you know, but it's I think it's just more about the actual presence that you the time or the effort that you put into being with that person.
15:59
SPEAKER_04: Yeah.
15:59
SPEAKER_04: I remember, and I I'll never forget, like, I think I was telling you this, seeing Laura at the hospital.
16:07
SPEAKER_04: And it it was such a weird feeling because I had just found out 30 minutes before that we would have had to take the him off of life support and say our goodbyes, pretty much.
16:18
SPEAKER_04: Is that he was this was the end.
16:19
SPEAKER_04: And I had just found out, and I went down to the elevator to go pick up my grandparents and see them for the first time since they got here.
16:28
SPEAKER_04: And I could not obviously wasn't gonna tell them what I had just found out.
16:31
SPEAKER_04: That wasn't my spot to tell, and I didn't know what was going on.
16:34
SPEAKER_04: Right.
16:34
SPEAKER_04: I just knew that my dad was dying and I was trying so hard to hold it together and bite my tongue and not show too much like emotion because I wear my heart on my sleeve, shocker.
16:45
SPEAKER_04: Everybody knows that.
16:46
SPEAKER_04: So if I was, you know, whatever.
16:49
SPEAKER_04: I get down there and I see my grandparents and I see my brother, and I look to my left and I see Laura walking up towards us in a different direction.
17:00
SPEAKER_04: And first thought I was like, oh my God, what is Laura doing here?
17:04
SPEAKER_04: Like, who's whose family member decide that she has to be here too?
17:08
SPEAKER_04: I'm like, are we gonna have like neighboring rooms or it's gonna be like crazy that we're both here right now?
17:12
SPEAKER_04: And then it hit me where I was like, oh right, she's here for us.
17:15
SPEAKER_04: She's here for us, obviously.
17:16
SPEAKER_04: Like that one to me.
17:17
SPEAKER_04: I was like, wait, Laura's a nurse?
17:18
SPEAKER_04: I didn't know that.
17:20
SPEAKER_04: Can't you imagine?
17:21
SPEAKER_01: Um she'd be like, listen, no, no, you're not sick.
17:27
SPEAKER_01: Grow up.
17:29
SPEAKER_01: You're crazy.
17:31
SPEAKER_04: No, but um, but but seeing Laura, because she was really like one of the first people I saw.
17:38
SPEAKER_04: I mean, she was like the first person I saw after I found out that it really was just not like a bad illness, you know, because that's when it really became real.
17:46
SPEAKER_04: And I just broke down.
17:47
SPEAKER_04: I just fell to my knees and I broke down.
17:50
SPEAKER_04: And she probably thought I was going crazy, like you know, but it I don't know, it just meant it meant so much that, and then literally like 20 minutes later, Natalie shows up, Nora's there.
18:02
SPEAKER_01: Yep, Nomalie, everybody shows up.
18:04
SPEAKER_04: Joey's there, and I just it just I don't know, it just meant the most.
18:07
SPEAKER_01: It was amazing, like because it was literally like you that whole week felt like I was just in a bubble with him, and then just communicating to everybody via text.
18:20
SPEAKER_01: And Natalie and Joey were fucking amazing all the way up until that point.
18:25
SPEAKER_01: Because not at all.
18:26
SPEAKER_01: Like every I love that.
18:27
SPEAKER_01: No, no, no, no.
18:28
SPEAKER_01: I mean, no, I just mean that like she every single day and every couple of hours, Joey and Natalie were on the phone with me figuring out what the doctor has said or what we think is going on, you know, and it was so confusing.
18:42
SPEAKER_02: It was so confusing.
18:45
SPEAKER_02: The different the different things that people had said, yeah.
18:47
SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
18:48
SPEAKER_01: And then it was like, we think it's this.
18:49
SPEAKER_01: No, it could be that.
18:50
SPEAKER_01: Well, maybe it's this, you know, but now it's showing this.
18:53
SPEAKER_01: And so to have that ability to have both of you, like pretty much every night before, you know, I'd go to bed, I'd talk to the two of them on the phone, and and Joey would go on and tell me, like, okay, well, that what's going on with this?
19:07
SPEAKER_01: And this number means this.
19:08
SPEAKER_02: It was bait, it was like a translation.
19:10
SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
19:10
SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
19:11
SPEAKER_02: It was like one doctor said this, another doctor said that.
19:13
SPEAKER_02: And it's like, okay, Joey, translate that.
19:16
SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
19:16
SPEAKER_04: Like, what does all that mean?
19:17
SPEAKER_04: I mean, you'd think that they'd have somebody assigned to you be like, okay, so basically, like to translate, it's honest to God.
19:23
SPEAKER_04: I mean, that's kind of what our nurse was like, Austin.
19:25
SPEAKER_04: Austin was amazing.
19:26
SPEAKER_04: I mean, he was kind of like, but it's like you that's like a whole level of training.
19:31
SPEAKER_01: You know, yeah, yeah, but but then even then, like we were lucky because we were in the cardiac ICU.
19:37
SPEAKER_01: We were, or like the heart and lung transplant ICU.
19:41
SPEAKER_01: And so with that, we had one nurse.
19:45
SPEAKER_01: It was like a one-on-one, you know, like he was with us, he was watching dad the entire time.
19:49
SPEAKER_04: The entire time.
19:50
SPEAKER_01: The entire time.
19:50
SPEAKER_01: And if he wasn't there, somebody was watching.
19:53
SPEAKER_01: So you don't get that in a normal, you know, it would have just been a rotating.
19:57
SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
19:58
SPEAKER_01: You would have had, I mean, and the nurses at the other hospital were amazing, but they also had other patients that they had to deal with.
20:05
SPEAKER_01: We weren't in that dire of a situation yet.
20:08
SPEAKER_01: But I do agree that, like, even throughout the entire process of his pituitary adenoma, you know, 10 years ago, that whole thing, he had an endocrinologist, a neuroophthalmologist, a neurosurgeon, a cardiologist, you know, an ENT surgeon.
20:24
SPEAKER_01: He had all these doctors, and none of them sat down together and talked to each other, which is nothing wrong with that hospital.
20:31
SPEAKER_01: That hospital is amazing.
20:32
SPEAKER_01: It's a great, great hospital.
20:33
SPEAKER_02: But it's it's frustrating for someone who's trying to navigate.
20:36
SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
20:37
SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
20:37
SPEAKER_02: Samantha has gone through that with her brother.
20:40
SPEAKER_02: Um, the doctors don't agree on on what's going on with him.
20:46
SPEAKER_02: And that's that's just sort of the end of the story.
20:48
SPEAKER_02: They just don't agree.
20:49
SPEAKER_01: That's like no, that's specialist.
20:51
SPEAKER_02: It's just ridiculous.
20:52
SPEAKER_02: And they don't agree.
20:53
SPEAKER_02: End of story.
20:53
SPEAKER_01: Like so now where's the third party?
20:55
SPEAKER_01: Get somebody else in to look at it.
20:57
SPEAKER_01: Like, where's the tiebreaker?
20:58
SPEAKER_02: Right.
20:59
SPEAKER_02: And they're like they're expecting the guy on the bed to be like actually it's this, and then go back to his coma, right?
21:04
SPEAKER_02: If it were TV, some there'd be a third door.
21:08
SPEAKER_04: The guy in the coma would be like, it's a pituitary tomb.
21:13
SPEAKER_01: Like, what it does, what doesn't make sense to me though, is that that's the hospital situation.
21:17
SPEAKER_01: That's our healthcare system, in my opinion.
21:19
SPEAKER_01: Now, I would love to hear from someone who has had an amazing experience with like an advocate at a hospital.
21:26
SPEAKER_01: I would love to talk about it would be great.
21:28
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, like all these doctors, and we're able to come in and be like, okay, so what he's saying is X, Y, and Z.
21:34
SPEAKER_01: What this guy's saying is X, Y, and Z.
21:35
SPEAKER_01: And they all met together to understand the entire situation, which they did that at um at the end hospital.
21:44
SPEAKER_04: They did do that.
21:45
SPEAKER_01: They would go around together.
21:46
SPEAKER_04: But they were But they all were like They were all the same kind of doctors.
21:50
SPEAKER_04: Yeah.
21:50
SPEAKER_04: You know, it wasn't like it doesn't make any sense to me why the cardiologist didn't in Chicago.
21:55
SPEAKER_01: No, the one down here that he was in last, the the one he died in that hospital.
22:00
SPEAKER_02: Oh, oh, oh.
22:01
SPEAKER_02: Yeah, but yeah, but it was once it got like you said, on with that heart and monk floor.
22:07
SPEAKER_02: Once he was on egg wing or whatever the the right word is.
22:10
SPEAKER_02: Yeah, that then everybody but it's more like as a team.
22:13
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, they would like come in and do their rounds.
22:15
SPEAKER_01: And it was crazy because it was almost like like all these little doctors, and not little, but like doctors.
22:23
SPEAKER_01: All of them were little.
22:25
SPEAKER_01: And they had like they're they could tiny ones.
22:28
SPEAKER_01: Some of them had most of them had a little rollie cart computer.
22:31
SPEAKER_04: Oh my god, it was so it was like 20 doctors, and they're like, nobody's like, look over at your computer, they all have to have their own different one, and it's the same screen pulled up.
22:42
SPEAKER_01: They're all on their and then it's like then they just roll down to the next room, you know, and do the rounds on the next.
22:47
SPEAKER_01: It's like rolling carts all the way down the hall.
22:50
SPEAKER_02: Are they taking are they doing their medical records or are they are they doing their um their rounds?
22:54
SPEAKER_02: Oh I don't know.
22:55
SPEAKER_02: Their notes.
22:56
SPEAKER_02: Yeah, they're doing their notes at the same time.
22:57
SPEAKER_01: So it's like one guy will start just because I tried to record the conversation one time.
23:02
SPEAKER_01: Smile guy.
23:03
SPEAKER_01: No, just like voice memo it.
23:05
SPEAKER_00: And it was like this one guy's like, and patient number, and he has blah blah blah, and his levels are this, that, and the other, and tomorrow or to yesterday he had this, and today he's gonna have that, and we're scheduled for this on tomorrow.
23:18
SPEAKER_00: And and uh yeah, that's the levels.
23:20
SPEAKER_00: Do we have any questions?
23:21
SPEAKER_01: You know, it's like just this weird kind of you know, bubble of roly card doctors.
23:28
SPEAKER_02: God, the reality was so bizarre.
23:31
SPEAKER_02: It is, it is I I will say the the the I only met men, as I recall, the the nurses that were taking care of you were so attentive.
23:41
SPEAKER_02: Oh my god, they were the best.
23:42
SPEAKER_02: I loved our nurses.
23:43
SPEAKER_02: Really, really good.
23:44
SPEAKER_04: I have so many, like, not I mean, they were funny stories from like me, Mallory, and Tucker, and uh, yeah, I guess it was me, Mallory, Tucker, maybe Gabs, probably not Gabs.
23:54
SPEAKER_04: We were all sitting down with one of the nurses.
23:56
SPEAKER_04: It was the other nurse, like the night nurse.
23:58
SPEAKER_04: So we had Austin, then we had this other guy.
24:00
SPEAKER_04: Jake.
24:00
SPEAKER_04: I don't remember what it was.
24:01
SPEAKER_00: I think it was Jake.
24:02
SPEAKER_04: I I don't think his name was Jake.
24:03
SPEAKER_04: I think it was like Craig.
24:04
SPEAKER_00: No, it wasn't Craig.
24:05
SPEAKER_00: I don't know.
24:06
SPEAKER_04: Something like that.
24:06
SPEAKER_04: We were talking to him, and he um we were like, what do the lights above the door mean?
24:10
SPEAKER_04: Because each room had a little light above the door.
24:13
SPEAKER_04: And uh he was like, Oh, okay, so like um green means just had a transplant.
24:18
SPEAKER_04: I don't know.
24:18
SPEAKER_04: Blue means comfort care, which is what dad's was, which means end of life.
24:23
SPEAKER_04: And red flashing means like somebody needs help.
24:26
SPEAKER_04: And the room right next to us was red flashing.
24:28
SPEAKER_04: I said, What?
24:29
SPEAKER_04: What about what about that guy?
24:30
SPEAKER_04: No one, no one's going in there.
24:32
SPEAKER_04: And he goes, he goes, Oh, yeah, that guy, uh, he's calling from the toilet.
24:38
SPEAKER_04: He's not my patient, so I'm not going in there.
24:39
SPEAKER_04: And then 10 minutes later, no one goes in there and he's like, Shit, I probably should go in there, I guess.
24:45
SPEAKER_04: Means he's calling from the toilet.
24:47
SPEAKER_04: He probably pooped himself or something.
24:50
SPEAKER_04: He bursts out into laughter, and I felt I felt so guilty for laughing right next to the room where my dad was dying.
24:55
SPEAKER_04: But I was like, you know what?
24:56
SPEAKER_04: Dad would have thought that was funny.
24:58
SPEAKER_01: There was a lot of kind of weird little funny things on the bed.
25:01
SPEAKER_04: There was.
25:01
SPEAKER_01: And you have to like, you have to let those moments happen.
25:05
SPEAKER_01: Like, and the thing is, is that we were all very in the moment together, and it's stressful and there's a lot going on.
25:12
SPEAKER_01: But what's crazy is I can't remember where I was recently.
25:16
SPEAKER_01: I was talking to someone, I think it was at work.
25:18
SPEAKER_01: I think it was like doing an intro or private or something.
25:20
SPEAKER_01: It must have been an intro.
25:22
SPEAKER_01: And we were talking about the hospital, and I said, Oh, Austin, the nurse.
25:27
SPEAKER_01: And and the person was like, Oh, yeah, he helped train me.
25:31
SPEAKER_03: Oh, wow.
25:31
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, like knew who he was and everything.
25:34
SPEAKER_01: I thought that was so cool.
25:36
SPEAKER_04: Mallory at the end of like we're like, you know, at like seven o'clock on that Saturday, you know, yeah, an hour before.
25:43
SPEAKER_04: Mallory's talking to that nurse, the night nurse that was about to switch with Austin.
25:48
SPEAKER_04: And she goes, uh, that binder over there, that's my dad's, right?
25:52
SPEAKER_04: You know, like all of his charts.
25:53
SPEAKER_04: Oh, yeah, the medical records.
25:54
SPEAKER_04: And he goes, he goes, yeah.
25:56
SPEAKER_04: She goes, Can I have it?
25:58
SPEAKER_04: He goes, What?
26:00
SPEAKER_04: She goes, Yeah, can I can I have it to like keep?
26:03
SPEAKER_04: And he was like, I don't think I can do that.
26:05
SPEAKER_04: And Gallery was like, has no one ever asked you?
26:08
SPEAKER_04: And he was like, not ever.
26:10
SPEAKER_04: Has anyone thought, can we have their medical records that have everything that we've ever written down about this guy for the past week?
26:18
SPEAKER_04: And he was like, I don't think we can give that to you.
26:19
SPEAKER_04: And she's like, Can I have the sticker that says his name on it?
26:21
SPEAKER_04: And he was like, Fine, we can have the sticker that says his name on it.
26:23
SPEAKER_04: I don't even fucking know what that's like.
26:25
SPEAKER_01: Which is really what she wanted anyway.
26:26
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, I guess so.
26:26
SPEAKER_01: I think it's pretty much against the law for them to just hand over dad's medical records to a 17-year-old to cut off hair.
26:33
SPEAKER_01: Oh, well, that yeah, everybody let it.
26:34
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, I mean, that's different.
26:35
SPEAKER_01: If your friend is going through something and you're the friend that has to help out, yeah.
26:40
SPEAKER_01: Not has to, but not has to, but feels that feels they need to support that.
26:45
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, they're there.
26:46
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, it's like ready to be there.
26:48
SPEAKER_01: Just be there as the friend that you've always been, right?
26:51
SPEAKER_01: Like, there's no reason to have to, in my opinion, there's no reason to have to change who you are.
26:56
SPEAKER_04: Yeah, the weirder you are, the more they can pick up on that too.
26:59
SPEAKER_04: Yeah, like I could tell when people were being weird about it.
27:01
SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
27:02
SPEAKER_04: And that they were like clearly obviously uncomfortable with the everything, just talking about it and everything.
27:06
SPEAKER_04: And I was like, I just I just need you.
27:09
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
27:09
SPEAKER_04: I don't need this weird, like reserved, don't know what to say type person.
27:14
SPEAKER_04: Just be yourself, distract me, do whatever.
27:17
SPEAKER_01: Like, well, and even when you guys would come to the house and just lay in bed with me.
27:21
SPEAKER_01: Oh like that made me feel so just comforted.
27:26
SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
27:27
SPEAKER_01: Like, and I said this, it was interesting.
27:29
SPEAKER_01: Uh, my therapist and I had a conversation yesterday, and he said, Oh, I listened to your podcast.
27:33
SPEAKER_01: And I said, You did?
27:35
SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
27:35
SPEAKER_01: I was like, Oh shit.
27:36
SPEAKER_04: Your therapist listened to it?
27:38
SPEAKER_04: Yeah.
27:38
SPEAKER_04: Which episode?
27:39
SPEAKER_01: Um, I don't he said he listened to the one where I talked about dad.
27:42
SPEAKER_04: Okay, good.
27:43
SPEAKER_01: So he said that um, he said that you said like how much you supported, you know, everybody supported you and how much that meant to you and how grateful you were for that.
27:52
SPEAKER_01: But then you said how alone you felt.
27:54
SPEAKER_04: Yeah.
27:55
SPEAKER_01: And he's like, I don't understand that.
27:58
SPEAKER_01: And I said, the aloneness is not that my friends weren't there or that I wasn't getting support or wasn't getting love notes or flowers.
28:07
SPEAKER_01: It was my my other half was gone.
28:10
SPEAKER_01: Like that's the alone feeling.
28:12
SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
28:13
SPEAKER_01: That alone is like no one can fill that space, you know, no one can take take his place.
28:18
SPEAKER_01: And so when you feel that empty, it's like that's the alone I was talking about.
28:25
SPEAKER_01: It was that I lost my other half.
28:29
SPEAKER_01: And so now I've got to navigate this world without him and figuring that out.
28:34
SPEAKER_01: But knowing that I have this village behind me, this community behind me from literally all over the country has just made it like I know if I'm having a bad day, there are so many people I can reach out to.
28:48
SPEAKER_01: And that means more to me than anything.
28:50
SPEAKER_01: So if this episode makes any sense whatsoever, it's basically just to say that if your friend is going through something, just be there however you're called to.
29:04
SPEAKER_01: Because we, if you really listen, you'll know what to do.
29:07
SPEAKER_04: Yeah.
29:08
SPEAKER_01: If you really listen to what your gut is saying, if you really listen to what your friends are saying, you'll be able to figure out the right thing to do, or the thing that not the right thing to do, but but the thing that you should do.
29:20
SPEAKER_01: Something.
29:21
SPEAKER_01: Something.
29:21
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, yeah.
29:22
SPEAKER_01: And that might just be sit there and be quiet.
29:24
SPEAKER_04: Yeah.
29:24
SPEAKER_01: You know?
29:25
SPEAKER_04: No, there was a lot of people that you know, I feel like came over to the house, family, friends, whatever.
29:32
SPEAKER_04: Whether they brought a meal, whether they just came to say hi, even Mallory's friends or neighbors that just hugged us.
29:40
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
29:40
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
29:41
SPEAKER_04: You know, said I'm sorry.
29:43
SPEAKER_04: Just sat with us while we prayed or something.
29:46
SPEAKER_04: I mean, it's just important.
29:48
SPEAKER_01: I think that, you know, friends don't plan for this either.
29:51
SPEAKER_01: And it's not like you can be like, oh crap.
29:54
SPEAKER_01: Nora got breast cancer.
29:55
SPEAKER_01: I'm out.
29:56
SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
29:57
SPEAKER_01: Right.
29:57
SPEAKER_01: Like we're not abandoning our friendships.
29:59
SPEAKER_01: Oh, you know?
30:00
SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
30:01
SPEAKER_01: If anything, your ability to be there for your friend shows your resilience, you know, and your ability to show up for others when it's hard.
30:13
SPEAKER_01: Because I mean, for me, knowing that Nora needed a friend, I'm able to kind of channel my grief into helping her.
30:26
SPEAKER_02: And it also helps that you have to be.
30:27
SPEAKER_02: Yeah, absolutely.
30:28
SPEAKER_02: But that that's um that's that's just an A plus way to feel better is to and I've experienced that myself.
30:40
SPEAKER_02: Like something really difficult has happened, and then you turn to your left and you're like, wow, this friend or this person is having a rough time.
30:50
SPEAKER_02: And finding the energy to take care of them makes you feel better.
30:56
SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
30:57
SPEAKER_01: And sometimes it can be easier to take care of someone else than yourself, right?
31:01
SPEAKER_01: Oh my gosh.
31:02
SPEAKER_01: And I know I mean, I'll do that all day, every day.
31:04
SPEAKER_01: And I've learned to balance the energy better over the years.
31:08
SPEAKER_01: But and we talked about this the other day, you know, it's like the biggest issue right now in therapy.
31:13
SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
31:14
SPEAKER_01: Is just figuring out like how much you give to others and not and not, you know, jumping into the deep and into their issues to forget about your own.
31:22
SPEAKER_01: It's more like for me, it's more like I'm showing up for Nora because that's who I am.
31:28
SPEAKER_01: I show up for my friends, I'm there for them as best as I possibly can be, you know, and and a hundred percent my friends have been there for me.
31:37
SPEAKER_01: And this past three months has really proven that.
31:40
SPEAKER_03: Oh, yeah.
31:40
SPEAKER_01: You know, and if anything, what it's shown me is that what we're going through is universal.
31:48
SPEAKER_01: It's all universal.
31:50
SPEAKER_01: We all go through, every one of us is going to experience a death that is close to our hearts and close to our our our, you know, physical body that we have to figure out how to live without that person.
32:00
SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
32:01
SPEAKER_01: That's gonna happen to all of us.
32:02
SPEAKER_01: So instead of ignoring it, or instead of just like, oh, I'm afraid to come say hi to you because I'm afraid I'm gonna catch the death, or I'm gonna catch the grief, or I'm gonna catch the cancer, which is true.
32:11
SPEAKER_01: There are people that are not willing or able yet to help or know what to do.
32:17
SPEAKER_01: But I think it's more about just listening inward to what your gut is telling you to do, you know, and where your strengths are.
32:25
SPEAKER_01: Like Natalie, first thing she did was like, let me take care of the schedule, let me clear this off, let me make sure that everybody is taken care of and there's no issues.
32:33
SPEAKER_01: Right.
32:34
SPEAKER_01: So it's like, and then, you know, Amelie helped me with all the short-term disability paperwork.
32:39
SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
32:39
SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
32:39
SPEAKER_01: You know, it's like the entire family plan the future.
32:42
SPEAKER_04: Everybody came together.
32:43
SPEAKER_01: Everybody came together.
32:44
SPEAKER_04: And they all had their little spot to like do their shine.
32:48
SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
32:48
SPEAKER_01: So it's like, what's your little spot to shine for your friend?
32:51
SPEAKER_01: How can you do it?
32:52
SPEAKER_01: Like, you know, I can't cook.
32:54
SPEAKER_01: Nora's a great cook.
32:56
SPEAKER_01: Laura's a great cook, you know?
32:57
SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
32:57
SPEAKER_01: Natalie's a great cook.
32:59
SPEAKER_01: All my friends are great cooks except me.
33:00
SPEAKER_02: I wish they were my mom.
33:02
SPEAKER_02: I'm a great cook.
33:03
SPEAKER_02: I get people fed.
33:04
SPEAKER_01: No, you can you fed us very well.
33:06
SPEAKER_04: Oh, yeah, you did.
33:07
SPEAKER_04: I picked tacos.
33:09
SPEAKER_04: I've never had a homemade meal before ever in my life until shut up right now.
33:14
SPEAKER_04: Never.
33:14
SPEAKER_04: It's actually been a really sad life.
33:16
SPEAKER_04: Oh my god.
33:17
SPEAKER_04: You get absolutely moments to make mac and cheese.
33:19
SPEAKER_04: She burns.
33:20
SPEAKER_01: Oh my god, it's not that bad.
33:22
SPEAKER_04: I'm not that bad.
33:23
SPEAKER_01: I mean, I'm pretty, but I'm not that bad.
33:25
SPEAKER_01: At least I try.
33:26
SPEAKER_01: At least I try.
33:27
SPEAKER_01: Now I try.
33:28
SPEAKER_01: Um, but yeah, like I'm not gonna cook for Nora.
33:30
SPEAKER_01: Like, sorry, I I'm not cooking free.
33:32
SPEAKER_01: No, I told you not to.
33:33
SPEAKER_01: Don't do that.
33:34
SPEAKER_02: No, any can cook for Nora is the best cook.
33:37
SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
33:38
SPEAKER_02: But I can we can't compete.
33:39
SPEAKER_01: Like what we did was we we got up, we walked outside, we sat outside, we pet the kids, kittens, you know, and the cats and everything.
33:46
SPEAKER_01: And nice.
33:47
SPEAKER_01: I know I meant to say kittens.
33:49
SPEAKER_01: We pet the cats, whatever.
33:51
SPEAKER_01: She's got a bunch of cats on her property.
33:53
SPEAKER_01: Wrapping all this wonderful conversation up about all the tangents that we've taken.
33:57
SPEAKER_01: God, if Mia was here, she would kill me right now.
34:00
SPEAKER_02: What let's go back to tangible.
34:03
SPEAKER_02: What did we do that actually helped?
34:05
SPEAKER_02: I think number one is just show up.
34:07
SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
34:08
SPEAKER_02: Right?
34:08
SPEAKER_02: Yep.
34:09
SPEAKER_02: And and don't let it get more complicated than that.
34:12
SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
34:13
SPEAKER_01: Just show up or text if you're not able to show up or call if you're not able to show up.
34:18
SPEAKER_01: And then really, I mean, if you think about the relationship that you already have with that person, it is an even energetic exchange.
34:25
SPEAKER_01: If it's a good friendship, it's an even energetic exchange.
34:28
SPEAKER_01: So we want to ensure that that relationship still is there.
34:33
SPEAKER_01: There's nothing changing there.
34:34
SPEAKER_01: In fact, your role is just elevated to the situation, right?
34:40
SPEAKER_01: So it's like, you know, Nora and Denny being great cooks, they brought me food, you know.
34:46
SPEAKER_01: They were with me, you know.
34:48
SPEAKER_01: That that I think is where where you have a little bit of a talent or you have a little skill, lean into that.
34:54
SPEAKER_01: Right, right.
34:55
SPEAKER_01: If you are a great writer, write a card.
34:58
SPEAKER_01: If you're um a great cook, cook something.
35:01
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, you know, if you love flowers, make a flower bouquet.
35:06
SPEAKER_04: Yeah.
35:07
SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
35:07
SPEAKER_04: No, I mean, people really showed up.
35:11
SPEAKER_04: And I feel like it is one of those things where you you underestimate how many people actually care.
35:17
SPEAKER_01: Oh, yeah, big time.
35:18
SPEAKER_01: I mean, because you think about your little bubble that you're in all the time, and you don't think about the fact that that you've been in other places in this bubble, and you have been a little pebble in a still pond that's created a little ripple, right?
35:32
SPEAKER_02: Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
35:33
SPEAKER_02: And I mean, you've been such a wonderful friend to me, and I can only imagine that you've been a wonderful friend everywhere you've lived, you know, with your job, you've you've lived so many places.
35:47
SPEAKER_01: Um I'm sure there's a couple of stragglers out there that think other rocks.
35:52
SPEAKER_01: I can think of a third couple that I've been blocked from uh their socials from.
36:00
SPEAKER_02: Exactly.
36:00
SPEAKER_02: Exactly.
36:02
SPEAKER_02: Yeah, but it it did give us um, it did give us an opportunity to to return the favor.
36:08
SPEAKER_01: Well, Ann, I really appreciate it.
36:11
SPEAKER_01: You know, I feel like this both of the tragedies of Brian's death and of Nora's cancer has brought our group of coven of women together like nothing else.
36:23
SPEAKER_04: Yeah, yeah, like nothing else.
36:24
SPEAKER_02: Talk about Carrie, the fact that she came in at like the worst and whoa, she came in and now all of a sudden she's like, Oh, at one point she asked, she's like, Is it me?
36:37
SPEAKER_02: She's like, everything fell apart when I got here.
36:40
unknown: Like, yeah.
36:42
SPEAKER_04: No, I love her so much.
36:44
SPEAKER_04: She's the best.
36:45
SPEAKER_04: I was just telling mom how much I think she's like so funny and so cool.
36:48
SPEAKER_04: She's so cool.
36:49
SPEAKER_04: I love her.
36:50
SPEAKER_02: She's really great.
36:51
SPEAKER_01: She's our little mad's.
36:52
SPEAKER_04: I feel like if she wasn't meant to be in this little coven, then she would have left way long ago.
36:56
SPEAKER_04: Oh, she wouldn't have survived after she wouldn't have survived a week ago in that covenant.
37:00
SPEAKER_04: It has been a wild ride.
37:01
SPEAKER_04: Yeah.
37:02
SPEAKER_01: It has.
37:02
SPEAKER_04: I mean, literally, like the week I met her was the week before dad died.
37:05
unknown: Yeah.
37:05
SPEAKER_04: Pretty much.
37:06
SPEAKER_04: That's right.
37:07
SPEAKER_04: Pretty much, like two, three weeks, maybe.
37:09
SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
37:09
SPEAKER_01: Because she had started in October, which was working part-time and then started January in the beginning.
37:14
SPEAKER_01: But no, I mean, every every day I see her, she's so incredibly kind and always asks how I'm doing.
37:20
SPEAKER_01: And it's like really just I love that.
37:22
SPEAKER_01: I know.
37:23
SPEAKER_01: Just I feel so much good energy when I'm around my coven at work that there's nothing that can make me feel terrible because it's like calling it a coven because I am calling it opposite, but I love it.
37:34
SPEAKER_04: I'm just like, well, yeah, I think of coven as like it's a coven of witches.
37:40
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, like witches.
37:41
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, that's what exactly what we say.
37:42
SPEAKER_01: We are a coven of witches.
37:44
SPEAKER_02: I have to tell you, um, and you weren't weren't there mostly to hear it, but every week or many weeks, um, in in our our once-a-week meeting for for the entire expanded team, uh Michael would say um just how impressed he was with the Pilates team because he knew that we had all taken a hit.
38:08
SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
38:08
SPEAKER_02: Like he knew that behind closed doors we were all talking about, you know, our pain.
38:13
SPEAKER_02: And but that on the floor, that everybody was not only doing their job, but we were doing, you know, your job.
38:21
SPEAKER_02: My job too, yeah.
38:22
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, for sure.
38:23
SPEAKER_02: Um and we just circled the wagons.
38:25
SPEAKER_02: I mean, you know, we just and and we would, you know, we would be stressed out and we talk about it in the office.
38:32
SPEAKER_02: But as soon as we were on the floor, it's like we took care, we took care of people, we took care of business.
38:37
SPEAKER_01: Um the ultimate professionals too.
38:40
SPEAKER_02: I mean, and he was really kind to to see it and to say it out loud.
38:44
SPEAKER_02: I I I was feeling it, but it it's it's always nice to have somebody say it out loud and recognize it and validate it.
38:51
SPEAKER_02: So I appreciated that.
38:53
SPEAKER_01: Oh, I I mean, I appreciate the fact that I was able to grieve at that time and like go through what I needed to go through in order to be able to come back out of this dark place, you know, and try to try to then the only reason that I'm doing this still talking about this on the podcast is because it feels like the right thing to do.
39:19
SPEAKER_04: Yeah, yeah.
39:20
SPEAKER_01: You know, it feels like the right thing to do.
39:24
SPEAKER_01: Well, and when I think about people out there that are doubting themselves or not sure how to show up for a friend or going through something hard, it's like we didn't plan for this, but we are getting through it together.
39:39
SPEAKER_04: Take a shot every time.
39:40
SPEAKER_04: Yeah, absolutely.
39:41
SPEAKER_01: I didn't say it very much.
39:42
SPEAKER_04: No, I'm just kidding.
39:44
SPEAKER_01: We didn't plan for this.
39:45
SPEAKER_01: We didn't plan for this, we didn't plan for this.
39:50
SPEAKER_01: Drink responsibly.
39:52
SPEAKER_01: I really love you as a friend.
39:54
SPEAKER_01: I love everything about you.
39:55
SPEAKER_01: And I know that you know, you've got my back, I've got your back, no matter what.
39:59
SPEAKER_01: Absolutely.
40:00
SPEAKER_01: Like, and that and you don't judge.
40:01
SPEAKER_01: You know, don't judge people when they're going through you're you're always really there for me.
40:07
SPEAKER_01: And that is something that um I'll always remember and always cherish.
40:12
SPEAKER_02: Yeah, yeah, you know.
40:13
SPEAKER_01: No, I am I really won't even Joey.
40:17
SPEAKER_02: I really do wish, I really do wish I could have done more.
40:20
SPEAKER_02: What could he have done?
40:21
SPEAKER_02: I don't know.
40:21
SPEAKER_02: Or you could have done.
40:22
SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
40:22
SPEAKER_01: So don't look back as friends and say shoulda, coulda, woulda.
40:25
SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
40:25
SPEAKER_01: Right?
40:26
SPEAKER_01: It's like I what I told my doctor that the other or my therapist that the other day.
40:30
SPEAKER_01: I said, I feel like I could have done more for him earlier.
40:36
SPEAKER_01: And he's like, that's a that's dumb.
40:38
SPEAKER_01: You can't talk like that.
40:39
SPEAKER_01: You had nothing, you couldn't control it.
40:41
SPEAKER_01: Like I know Joey had a friendship with Brian, and oh yeah, you know, I never got to talk to him about how that made him feel.
40:48
SPEAKER_04: I remembered.
40:49
SPEAKER_04: I'm sorry.
40:49
SPEAKER_01: It's okay, go ahead.
40:50
SPEAKER_04: I will just say that as someone that went through something really hard and really traumatic and had you know the same people around me that we have still, I I wouldn't change a single thing that anybody said or did.
41:04
SPEAKER_02: Obviously, I appreciate that.
41:06
SPEAKER_04: Wish I still had my dad.
41:08
SPEAKER_04: Yeah.
41:08
SPEAKER_04: But I wouldn't change even the people that did the wrong, the wrong quote unquote thing, the said the wrong quote unquote thing.
41:15
SPEAKER_04: Like I wouldn't change it because, you know, it it's still somebody there supporting me, whether they knew how to do it or not, whether they were doing something that was, you know, whatever.
41:26
SPEAKER_04: But I I wouldn't change a single thing that happened, you know, or single thing that somebody did because I feel like it it just meant a lot.
41:36
SPEAKER_04: It meant a lot to see people show up for you and show up for Mallory and show up for me.
41:43
SPEAKER_04: And you know, I wouldn't I wouldn't, I wouldn't give any advice on how to do it better because everybody in our life did it the best.
41:53
SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
41:54
SPEAKER_04: You know, like that sounds stupid.
41:56
SPEAKER_01: No, but it's true, you know, it's really true.
41:58
SPEAKER_01: You know, it wasn't like no one went out to try to, like you said earlier, like, you know, one up a trauma or you know, anything like that.
42:09
SPEAKER_01: It's like everybody showed up for us the way that they knew how to.
42:13
SPEAKER_01: And I hope that we showed how much we appreciated it.
42:18
SPEAKER_01: So it doesn't go unnoticed, you know.
42:20
SPEAKER_02: I hope so.
42:21
SPEAKER_02: And I do really appreciate what you said, Campbell.
42:23
SPEAKER_02: And and as you're talking, I am remembering so so many of the things that other people did.
42:29
SPEAKER_02: Like, um, well, Amelie, of course, helped you get all of that paperwork and everything, insurance and paperwork and family leave stuff, yeah, which was huge.
42:41
SPEAKER_01: I would never have figured that out on my own.
42:43
SPEAKER_01: Let's just be honest.
42:44
SPEAKER_01: I wouldn't have.
42:45
SPEAKER_02: Um and and other things, like, like I know didn't Laura pick you up and take you for a pedicure?
42:51
SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
42:52
SPEAKER_04: Yeah, and then came over and just Amelie and I walked for a pedicure.
42:56
SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
42:56
SPEAKER_01: And like, oh yeah.
42:57
SPEAKER_01: Laura's like, come on, we're going for a walk around the block.
42:59
SPEAKER_01: You know, it was like people I will, I mean everybody did what they knew how to do.
43:05
SPEAKER_04: Exactly.
43:06
SPEAKER_04: Exactly.
43:07
SPEAKER_01: Do what you know how to do.
43:08
SPEAKER_04: That's I'm so glad I inserted myself in all your work, friends.
43:11
SPEAKER_04: Yeah, such a great group of women around me, and one of the hardest times of my life.
43:16
SPEAKER_04: Yeah.
43:16
SPEAKER_04: The hardest time of my life.
43:17
SPEAKER_04: It is a great group of women.
43:18
SPEAKER_04: It is.
43:19
SPEAKER_04: We're very, very, very lucky.
43:21
SPEAKER_01: Oh my gosh.
43:22
SPEAKER_01: No, I mean, seriously, I I can't even imagine having to go through this without the support of my friends.
43:28
SPEAKER_01: I would, there's no way I can make it through.
43:30
SPEAKER_01: There's just no way.
43:31
SPEAKER_01: No, you don't.
43:33
SPEAKER_01: Well, I really appreciate you guys being open and honest today.
43:37
SPEAKER_04: I lied the whole time.
43:38
SPEAKER_04: Oh, everything I said was a lie.
43:39
SPEAKER_04: God shut up.
43:42
SPEAKER_01: Uh Gamble, thanks for participating in this episode with me.
43:46
SPEAKER_01: It was really cool to hear your perspective and kind of how you're looking back and how you've been so accepting to what people have to offer.
43:56
SPEAKER_01: And, you know, I'm just really grateful that you had a chance to be in on this with us.
44:02
SPEAKER_04: Well, thank you for having me.
44:04
SPEAKER_01: So let's wrap this up with a pause before you get out of the car.
44:11
SPEAKER_01: If you're driving, just wait.
44:12
SPEAKER_01: When you get to your destination, you can come back to this.
44:17
SPEAKER_01: Find a comfortable seat.
44:20
SPEAKER_01: Ground your feet.
44:22
SPEAKER_01: And extend your spine tall.
44:28
SPEAKER_01: Just start to notice your breath in and out through your nose or your mouth.
44:35
SPEAKER_01: One of the things that came out of this episode is friends stepping up and friends showing up for you.
44:42
SPEAKER_01: So maybe now you can take a moment to just be grateful for who is in your life.
44:49
SPEAKER_01: Let's take a moment of gratitude.
44:52
SPEAKER_01: And I know that may sound cheesy to some people, but oftentimes when our brains are on overdrive and they're spiraling thoughts, taking a moment to recognize what you're thankful for.
45:09
SPEAKER_01: Whether it be I'm thankful that I can see, I'm thankful that I have a home.
45:17
SPEAKER_01: I'm thankful that I have children.
45:20
SPEAKER_01: I'm thankful that I have my breath.
45:32
SPEAKER_01: And being grateful for what's truly in the moment.
45:36
SPEAKER_01: Our brains are those worst-case scenario handbooks.
45:40
SPEAKER_01: And they're always worried about what could go wrong instead of being right here right now in this moment.
45:50
SPEAKER_01: You have everything you need.
45:53
SPEAKER_01: Take a deep breath in.
45:57
SPEAKER_01: And an extra long breath out.
46:01
SPEAKER_01: If you're not sure how to approach a friend, think about your relationship with them and what you do normally in your day to show up for other people, and just show up in your way.
46:12
SPEAKER_01: If this episode resonated with you, please share it with someone that you love.
46:18
SPEAKER_01: And we'll talk to you next week.