Latest / The Parenting Podcast / Road Trip - The Final Launch (Pt. 1) | Ep. 78

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Road Trip - The Final Launch (Pt. 1) | Ep. 78 · The Parenting Podcast

• 0:06
  Here at the Parenting Podcast, we've been doing a series looking across the years of parenting using a family road trip analogy, and we've gone through the different seasons of parenting, early, middle, and teen years, where I think a lot of parenting equipping and encouraging ends.
• 0:31
  But in.
• 0:32
  Dad, we're adding another focus section because although it must radically change, we don't doubt being parents or loving our children at 18 years old or graduation or when they move out of the house because we want to continue that relationship and to launch them well into adulthood.
• 0:57
  I'm Shirley Lang, and I'm your host, and I'm glad you're here because it's that challenging portion of parenting that the T PPP team is talking about today, how to release and how to prepare our children for adulthood.
• 1:14
  Whether you're looking forward to or back to this unique season, it's a lot to navigate.
• 1:32
  Cheryl: Well,, we're you know, as Wrapping up this series on the road trip and here we are, uh, we're in San Francisco.
• 1:38
  Cheryl: All need it the day.
• 1:40
  Cheryl: And we have our house there.
• 1:42
  Ellen: Right.
• 1:42
  Ellen: Uhhuh We wish in real life.
• 1:44
  Ellen: Right.
• 1:44
  Ellen: It would be fun.
• 1:45
  Cheryl: You know, you were saying, well, it's making me think of all the songs from the sixties.
• 1:49
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 1:50
  Cheryl: Otis Redding.
• 1:51
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 1:51
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 1:52
  Cheryl: Back of the Bay And we're, you can think of it as old good oldies.
• 1:57
  Cheryl: Um,
• 1:57
  Christie: well, all the nineties kids out there, like me will think of full.
• 2:01
  Christie: Oh, it takes place.
• 2:02
  Christie: That's right.
• 2:02
  Christie: I forgot about that.
• 2:03
  Christie: Andrioni.
• 2:04
  Christie: Yes.
• 2:04
  Christie: The San Francisco tree treat.
• 2:05
  Christie: Ding, ding,
• 2:07
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 2:08
  Cheryl: Have you been to San Francisco?
• 2:10
  Cheryl: Have some flowers in your hair.
• 2:12
  Cheryl: I know.
• 2:14
  Cheryl: Anyway, we promise we won't sing anymore.
• 2:17
  Christie: laughter Yeah.
• 2:19
  Cheryl: No, but there are a lot of songs.
• 2:21
  Cheryl: About San Francisco okay.
• 2:24
  Cheryl: So talking to parents of all the different ages, um, the two that I would.
• 2:30
  Cheryl: say probably Appear a little bit the most desperate and wanting, mm-hmm.
• 2:36
  Cheryl: yes.
• 2:38
  Cheryl: Moms and dads are the first very newborn early ages.
• 2:42
  Cheryl: Right?
• 2:42
  Cheryl: Right.
• 2:42
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 2:43
  Cheryl: But there's a lot of concrete, practical help for that, right?
• 2:47
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 2:47
  Cheryl: But the other group, and I didn't realize it's the parents of these launching, releasing years.
• 2:55
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 2:55
  Ellen: We should call them the terrifying years.
• 2:57
  Ellen: Mm-hmm.
• 2:57
  Ellen: And they come at the beginning and the end when you, what you're getting into, right?
• 3:01
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 3:01
  Ellen: And then you're releasing
• 3:03
  Cheryl: well then they're also both the launching years.
• 3:05
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 3:05
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 3:06
  Cheryl: Because you're launching into life.
• 3:07
  Cheryl: Yep.
• 3:08
  Cheryl: And now you're launching out of.
• 3:10
  Cheryl: active parenting, right?
• 3:12
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 3:12
  Cheryl: un into their own lives,
• 3:14
  Christie: you know?
• 3:14
  Christie: Well, and it's not surprising because as humans, change is hard, and both of these times in our lives are significant.
• 3:20
  Christie: Change in transition.
• 3:22
  Christie: Yes, yes,
• 3:22
  Cheryl: yes.
• 3:23
  Cheryl: It really is.
• 3:24
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 3:24
  Cheryl: and it's so unknown.
• 3:25
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 3:25
  Cheryl: right?
• 3:26
  Cheryl: You know, like, Thinking back, even before we were young, Christie back in the, in the 14 and 15, hundreds when people got on a ship to go somewhere.
• 3:38
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 3:39
  Cheryl: Their families said goodbye.
• 3:40
  Cheryl: That's right.
• 3:41
  Cheryl: Right.
• 3:41
  Cheryl: And they didn't know if they'd ever see them again.
• 3:43
  Cheryl: That's true.
• 3:43
  Cheryl: You know?
• 3:43
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 3:43
  Cheryl: And they didn't
• 3:44
  Ellen: even know that the world was round
• 3:48
  Cheryl: They couldn't say, see you around But that has a little bit of feeling, I think, in this age.
• 3:56
  Cheryl: Right.
• 3:56
  Cheryl: You know?
• 3:57
  Cheryl: Goodbye.
• 3:58
  Cheryl: So we're, you know, standing on the ground very well.
• 4:00
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 4:02
  Christie: Well, yeah.
• 4:02
  Christie: I mean, the picture I got in my mind when I was thinking of us arriving at the coast after this road trip was we finally made it to sea and we're, we're putting these kids on a boat and sending them out to the ocean while we stay at shore, and it, it feels a little free fallish, you know, just to send them off into their adult lives.
• 4:25
  Cheryl: That's true.
• 4:26
  Ellen: Exactly.
• 4:27
  Ellen: It's true.
• 4:28
  Cheryl: What makes it so free Fallish?
• 4:30
  Cheryl: What makes it so hard?
• 4:32
  Christie: Well, we're, for one, we're giving up a lot of control.
• 4:36
  Christie: You know, we've clung two for so many years.
• 4:39
  Christie: That's true.
• 4:39
  Christie: And it, the weight has been on our side, the,
• 4:41
  Cheryl: the illusion of control.
• 4:42
  Cheryl: True.
• 4:43
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 4:43
  Cheryl: True.
• 4:43
  Ellen: That's a good one.
• 4:44
  Ellen: Yes.
• 4:44
  Ellen: And I think relationship, we're taking a relationship loss because it's changing.
• 4:49
  Ellen: Yes.
• 4:50
  Ellen: Mm-hmm.
• 4:50
  Ellen: yeah.
• 4:50
  Ellen: It doesn't mean it'll be that way forever, but there's a little distance.
• 4:54
  Ellen: To happen when you're launching.
• 4:56
  Ellen: You can't be waiting in the water while the boat's going back around and
• 5:00
  Christie: keep waving.
• 5:01
  Christie: Cause I'm not a good swimmer.
• 5:02
  Christie: So
• 5:03
  Ellen: and at some point you're gonna be underwater.
• 5:06
  Ellen: Right.
• 5:06
  Ellen: Wow.
• 5:07
  Ellen: And, and the hard thing too, using that same idea is, They're looking ahead.
• 5:12
  Ellen: Yes.
• 5:13
  Ellen: Oh, you know, and to them it's all excitement and fun.
• 5:17
  Ellen: Mm-hmm.
• 5:17
  Ellen: and this is my first of everything, and we're saying, oh, and this is the end, end of
• 5:22
  Christie: this for me.
• 5:23
  Christie: Right.
• 5:24
  Christie: Or maybe they're not as excited and they're a little nervous about stepping into this new season.
• 5:30
  Christie: And then we have to be the mature one.
• 5:33
  Christie: To encourage them to step out there where I really just want to pack it up and, and make a u-turn on the highway
• 5:39
  Ellen: instant that it's really exciting.
• 5:40
  Ellen: Others forget the sharks that you're seeing inside
• 5:43
  Cheryl: on and maybe we're the ones pushing that boat.
• 5:46
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 5:47
  Cheryl: away from shore.
• 5:48
  Cheryl: Right?
• 5:48
  Cheryl: Because it's the best thing for them, but it is hard, it's unknown and you know, either they're looking back at us.
• 5:56
  Cheryl: Biting their fingernails or I, I like the analogy.
• 6:00
  Cheryl: They're looking out in the front of the ship and they're seeing all the open seas.
• 6:04
  Christie: Yeah.
• 6:04
  Christie: Some get in a rowboat and some get in a speed boat.
• 6:07
  Christie: That's right
• 6:10
  Cheryl: That's true.
• 6:11
  Cheryl: But also it's a very important like you know, when they used to, I don't know if they still do it, Christen ships.
• 6:19
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 6:19
  Cheryl: But they would have a big ceremony and they would have champagne.
• 6:22
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 6:23
  Cheryl: And they would break it on the bow, the ship.
• 6:25
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 6:26
  Cheryl: To launch it.
• 6:27
  Cheryl: And so, yeah.
• 6:28
  Cheryl: You know, to be healthy, we really have to launch them.
• 6:31
  Cheryl: Right.
• 6:32
  Cheryl: And like you're saying, we know about the sharks.
• 6:34
  Cheryl: We know about the tidal waves, we.
• 6:37
  Cheryl: The octopuses are
• 6:38
  Ellen: waiting to get through
• 6:41
  Cheryl: and they're way out.
• 6:43
  Cheryl: and I can still see'em from shore maybe, but I kind of enjoyed having them in my life.
• 6:48
  Christie: Right.
• 6:49
  Christie: More actively.
• 6:50
  Christie: Well, and it's kind of hard to feel celebratory.
• 6:53
  Christie: Mm-hmm.
• 6:54
  Christie: when you do know the risks that lay ahead for them.
• 6:57
  Christie: Yes.
• 6:57
  Christie: In in adult life.
• 6:59
  Christie: Yeah.
• 6:59
  Christie: That you've lived
• 7:00
  Cheryl: through.
• 7:00
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 7:01
  Cheryl: It is hard and it's the change.
• 7:03
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 7:03
  Cheryl: And I think one of the things I would like us to focus on here is what some of the changes are, Well, Christie you are in the middle of your launching season.
• 7:13
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 7:14
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 7:14
  Cheryl: going towards the end of it.
• 7:15
  Cheryl: You told me earlier you were talking about something about a door slamming, a feeling you had.
• 7:21
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 7:21
  Cheryl: Particularly when your first daughter was being
• 7:24
  Christie: launched.
• 7:24
  Christie: Yeah.
• 7:24
  Christie: So I mean, I graduated my first probably, I guess, almost six years ago, and I remember that feeling of.
• 7:32
  Christie: I remember where I was standing and I had this thought, come on me that for all of these years, you know, 18 years, I had thought, oh, I hope I'm doing this right.
• 7:40
  Christie: Yeah.
• 7:40
  Christie: All along, I hope I'm doing this right.
• 7:42
  Christie: And it just turned into, well, I hope I did that right.
• 7:46
  Christie: Right.
• 7:47
  Christie: Because I, I felt like this big metal door just dropped like this, this feeling of finality.
• 7:53
  Christie: Mm-hmm.
• 7:53
  Christie: that whatever's done is done.
• 7:56
  Christie: Any mistakes I've.
• 7:58
  Christie: I can't reverse and it, it's just finality for me and for her.
• 8:02
  Ellen: And that feels, Like, a report card.
• 8:05
  Ellen: Yes.
• 8:05
  Ellen: And that, and that feels, whether you understand that or not, you're feeling okay.
• 8:09
  Ellen: Like, now my judgment comes.
• 8:11
  Ellen: Right.
• 8:11
  Ellen: Did I do the right
• 8:12
  Christie: thing?
• 8:12
  Christie: The world is watching the adult I produced.
• 8:15
  Christie: Yes.
• 8:15
  Christie: Yes.
• 8:16
  Christie: It does feel that way.
• 8:17
  Christie: And, and then, you know, like you said, I'm six years later and about to graduate my last next year, and I'm realizing.
• 8:27
  Christie: It's not the finality that I thought it was.
• 8:30
  Christie: Yeah.
• 8:30
  Christie: Because life kept going on the way it was.
• 8:33
  Christie: Yeah.
• 8:33
  Christie: We kept learning, we kept growing.
• 8:35
  Christie: We kept apologizing and forgiving one another.
• 8:39
  Christie: Yes.
• 8:39
  Christie: And.
• 8:40
  Christie: and really it was just an extension of what we had already begun when she was at
• 8:45
  Ellen: home.
• 8:45
  Ellen: Wow.
• 8:45
  Ellen: And they, and they miss relationship.
• 8:47
  Ellen: Mm-hmm.
• 8:48
  Ellen: sometimes we think just because they're all stared eye and looking ahead or biting their fingernails off in terror.
• 8:54
  Ellen: Mm-hmm.
• 8:54
  Ellen: they still know that they have a comfort base and they come back Right.
• 8:57
  Ellen: To get comfort and then they go.
• 9:00
  Ellen: Walk a little farther.
• 9:01
  Ellen: Right,
• 9:01
  Christie: and And maybe less frequency in some seasons than others.
• 9:05
  Christie: And it looks different, but there is still relationship.
• 9:09
  Christie: Yeah.
• 9:09
  Cheryl: Which is the thing, right?
• 9:11
  Cheryl: We talk about here at T ppp.
• 9:13
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 9:13
  Cheryl: So Ellen.
• 9:14
  Cheryl: When you were launching yours, what were your feelings about.
• 9:20
  Ellen: Well, it was always hard because as a military family we were always moving around.
• 9:24
  Ellen: So somebody was launching in a different state in a different time and yeah.
• 9:29
  Ellen: And um,
• 9:31
  Cheryl: emotionally how
• 9:32
  Ellen: did it, yeah.
• 9:33
  Ellen: I'm trying to think.
• 9:33
  Ellen: I, I, you know, probably my last one I felt the most uhhuh, you know, cuz she was the baby and it was just the two of us.
• 9:41
  Ellen: Mm-hmm.
• 9:41
  Ellen: when Mike was off at work and, you know, we were home together a lot.
• 9:45
  Ellen: And I think that, That was hard.
• 9:47
  Ellen: But I guess for me, I always thought it is an exciting thing.
• 9:51
  Ellen: Mm-hmm.
• 9:51
  Ellen: I was excited for them.
• 9:53
  Ellen: Um, I wanted to see what they were gonna do.
• 9:57
  Ellen: I was following the neat stuff that they were exploring mm-hmm.
• 10:01
  Ellen: and looking into.
• 10:02
  Ellen: so, I mean, it was hard, but I think because we had a big family and we already had grandchildren coming and going, ah, okay.
• 10:09
  Ellen: That it kind of took, it wasn't like, one big event.
• 10:13
  Ellen: Mm-hmm.
• 10:13
  Ellen: Mm-hmm.
• 10:14
  Ellen: And, and I've told you guys just as my friends, all of our kids have moved back in with us at some point or another, at some point in time.
• 10:20
  Ellen: So it's, it's taken a while to really have an empty nest.
• 10:23
  Christie: Right.
• 10:23
  Christie: So and I think that that happened for me too.
• 10:26
  Christie: That, uh, feeling of finale started to fade when you realized Yes.
• 10:30
  Christie: It's actually a, um, process everyone launching from us.
• 10:34
  Christie: Yes.
• 10:34
  Ellen: It's not like they kiss you.
• 10:35
  Ellen: Goodbye.
• 10:36
  Ellen: Go on this road and you never see them again.
• 10:38
  Ellen: Right.
• 10:39
  Ellen: Unless they have some kind of career that takes'em away from the immediate area.
• 10:42
  Ellen: Right.
• 10:42
  Ellen: Chances are they'll be back and
• 10:44
  Christie: Right.
• 10:44
  Christie: You know?
• 10:45
  Christie: Especially if you throw a pandemic in the midst of her watching yours,
• 10:49
  Ellen: or food.
• 10:50
  Ellen: Yes.
• 10:51
  Ellen: You know, food brings your children back
• 10:52
  Cheryl: pretty quickly.
• 10:53
  Cheryl: and I have the same thing.
• 10:55
  Cheryl: I was excited for mine.
• 10:58
  Cheryl: I just, uh, didn't know that boat would stay off the coast quite so much.
• 11:04
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 11:05
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 11:05
  Cheryl: I really enjoyed my children.
• 11:07
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 11:07
  Cheryl: and I've enjoyed our relationship.
• 11:10
  Cheryl: I just thought they would kind of come back into shore a little bit more.
• 11:13
  Cheryl: Right.
• 11:14
  Cheryl: Um, also didn't know quite the pushback that there is in the early years.
• 11:20
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 11:21
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 11:21
  Cheryl: in the early twenties and so forth, like, the feeling of the judgment.
• 11:26
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 11:27
  Cheryl: you know that, okay, I've done everything I can do.
• 11:30
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 11:31
  Cheryl: now there's.
• 11:32
  Cheryl: There's no accolades.
• 11:33
  Cheryl: Now.
• 11:34
  Cheryl: There is is a lot of you didn't do this right and Right.
• 11:37
  Cheryl: You know, you did too many sports.
• 11:39
  Cheryl: You did too little sports.
• 11:40
  Cheryl: Right Right.
• 11:41
  Cheryl: You parented too much.
• 11:42
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 11:42
  Cheryl: you parented, do little, all of that feeling, I didn't realize I get that pushback.
• 11:48
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 11:48
  Cheryl: I thought we could just kind of continue with a relationship.
• 11:51
  Cheryl: Right.
• 11:52
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 11:52
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 11:53
  Cheryl: So we kind of, this is how we related.
• 11:56
  Cheryl: Um, I was really impressed with my own parents because of their childhoods and.
• 12:03
  Cheryl: part of it is their, their culture of their age coming out World War ii.
• 12:07
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 12:08
  Cheryl: um, but also their childhood.
• 12:10
  Cheryl: They didn't kind of know what to do in parenting.
• 12:13
  Cheryl: Right.
• 12:13
  Cheryl: but they gave us a stable home where I felt loved.
• 12:16
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 12:17
  Cheryl: but when I look back on it, particularly with this perspective of all the years, They released us really well.
• 12:26
  Cheryl: Wow.
• 12:27
  Cheryl: And I don't know how they knew to do it.
• 12:29
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 12:30
  Cheryl: I felt like they did I love you.
• 12:32
  Cheryl: Oh, I'm so excited.
• 12:34
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 12:35
  Cheryl: Oh, that's fun.
• 12:36
  Cheryl: Go have a good life and come back anytime.
• 12:38
  Cheryl: That's great.
• 12:39
  Cheryl: You know, we talked
• 12:39
  Ellen: about this before, I think for you and I.
• 12:42
  Ellen: in our age group.
• 12:43
  Ellen: That was more of a cultural norm, though.
• 12:45
  Ellen: Oh, that's true.
• 12:45
  Ellen: You know, you, you did launch your kids, people would say to you, what's wrong with your child if they were still hanging around at 22, 25 and didn't have a direction?
• 12:56
  Ellen: Mm.
• 12:56
  Ellen: Mm-hmm.
• 12:56
  Ellen: Mm-hmm.
• 12:56
  Ellen: You know, I mean, cuz we see that more frequently and we've just, we're talking about this today, how 30 is the new.
• 13:06
  Ellen: move out it.
• 13:06
  Ellen: Mm-hmm.
• 13:07
  Ellen: Wow.
• 13:07
  Ellen: My parents would've not wanted me, nor would I've wanted to be with my parents at 30.
• 13:13
  Ellen: Right?
• 13:13
  Ellen: Mm-hmm.
• 13:14
  Ellen: But that's becoming the more, the more norm this
• 13:17
  Cheryl: later age.
• 13:18
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 13:18
  Cheryl: And I just
• 13:19
  Ellen: wanna add one more thing.
• 13:20
  Ellen: I think culture does play a big part.
• 13:24
  Ellen: That's true of how launching looks.
• 13:25
  Ellen: Mm-hmm.
• 13:26
  Ellen: Mm-hmm.
• 13:26
  Ellen: you know, and different generations looked at launching
• 13:29
  Cheryl: differently.
• 13:30
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 13:30
  Cheryl: That's true.
• 13:31
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 13:32
  Cheryl: What about you all your own experience I kind of shared with mine.
• 13:36
  Cheryl: What about you?
• 13:38
  Cheryl: your families.
• 13:38
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 13:39
  Christie: Well you to say culture plays into it, I think, um, home culture too.
• 13:45
  Christie: Yeah.
• 13:45
  Christie: Absolutely.
• 13:45
  Christie: Has plays a factor.
• 13:47
  Christie: And, you know, my parents were divorced, so I was already kind of used to going back and forth Oh.
• 13:52
  Christie: Living with, with each parent different times.
• 13:54
  Christie: And so, you know, transitioning into.
• 13:58
  Christie: Graduating from high school and being out on my own.
• 14:01
  Christie: And then I married really, really young.
• 14:02
  Christie: So, um, releasing happened really fast for me.
• 14:06
  Christie: Yeah.
• 14:06
  Christie: And it was pretty much a clean break and that was kind of my perspective.
• 14:10
  Christie: I was coming from.
• 14:12
  Christie: Which you would've thought would've helped me a little bit in releasing my kids, but I think it kind of did the opposite where I clung a little too hard to mine.
• 14:20
  Christie: Well, you didn't
• 14:21
  Ellen: know because you didn't really have an example.
• 14:23
  Ellen: Right.
• 14:24
  Ellen: You know, and, and I mean, that was same with me.
• 14:26
  Ellen: My, my mother, you know, was married three times and so.
• 14:31
  Ellen: Um, I think I was raised by grandparents, mm-hmm.
• 14:34
  Ellen: which was fun cuz you got these really interesting stories from your grandfather Yeah.
• 14:38
  Ellen: That your grandmother kept going.
• 14:39
  Ellen: Don't tell those things But, um, uh, so, you know, I kind of was a kid with grandparents raising me, which is kind of common nowadays also.
• 14:50
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 14:50
  Ellen: But you know, they had really different cultural values from my peer group.
• 14:55
  Ellen: Mm-hmm.
• 14:55
  Ellen: So that made.
• 14:57
  Ellen: Kind of launching a little different, and in my family, a strong value was independence.
• 15:03
  Ellen: Not interdependence, but independence.
• 15:05
  Ellen: Mm.
• 15:05
  Ellen: And so, I mean, my great-grandmother was a feminist before there was the word.
• 15:10
  Ellen: Wow.
• 15:10
  Ellen: So I was raised very, you know, Hey, you're a grown woman.
• 15:15
  Ellen: You make your own money, you do your own thing.
• 15:17
  Ellen: And they were very disappointed when I got married early.
• 15:19
  Ellen: Mm-hmm.
• 15:20
  Ellen: because I felt like that was a failure of their system.
• 15:22
  Ellen: Okay.
• 15:23
  Cheryl: So your boats were just shoved right off.
• 15:25
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 15:25
  Cheryl: But in, I mean, in
• 15:26
  Christie: a nice way.
• 15:27
  Ellen: Right.
• 15:27
  Ellen: It was like, it was like a good thing.
• 15:29
  Ellen: Right.
• 15:29
  Ellen: And, and I appreciated as a military wife for almost 30 years Oh.
• 15:35
  Ellen: Being taught to be independent when your husband's gone a lot.
• 15:38
  Ellen: Mm-hmm.
• 15:38
  Ellen: and you're raising a family is very helpful.
• 15:40
  Ellen: You don't fall apart a lot.
• 15:42
  Christie: Mm-hmm.
• 15:42
  Christie: Yeah.
• 15:43
  Christie: Well, and I, I didn't feel like I was.
• 15:45
  Christie: Being released any differently than my peers.
• 15:48
  Christie: Yeah.
• 15:48
  Christie: I felt like looking around it was a pretty common way to be leaving home.
• 15:52
  Christie: Yeah.
• 15:52
  Christie: Right after high school, you know, moving into an apartment with roommates or Right.
• 15:57
  Christie: You know, marrying or going to college, whichever your avenue was
• 16:01
  Ellen: people gave me a big hassle for getting married at 18.
• 16:04
  Ellen: Mm-hmm.
• 16:04
  Ellen: even in the mid seventies.
• 16:05
  Ellen: Wow.
• 16:06
  Ellen: Because that was not the end thing to do, but you know, there's different plans for different people's lives and 49 years later
• 16:13
  Christie: we're still happy it's working out.
• 16:15
  Ellen: that was a really
• 16:16
  Cheryl: good choice.
• 16:16
  Cheryl: I made Uhhuh So for the parents that are still in the pre-launching or launching stages mm-hmm.
• 16:24
  Cheryl: um, what are some suggestions you would have to how to prepare our children for the launch?
• 16:31
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 16:31
  Cheryl: you know, if we do the shipping boat analogy, we would have to teach'em about sails and how to tie knots and how to know about wind.
• 16:39
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 16:39
  Cheryl: And, and, and all of that sort of winds and waves and, all of the nautical.
• 16:44
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 16:44
  Cheryl: information.
• 16:45
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 16:45
  Cheryl: So what would we say though, to those parents?
• 16:48
  Cheryl: How can they, help prepare your children for the
• 16:52
  Ellen: launch.
• 16:53
  Cheryl: looking back, what would you say?
• 16:54
  Ellen: I used to do something and my kids all hated it.
• 16:56
  Ellen: And this was before everything was automated but when my older group of kids, I would make them go in the bank with our deposit.
• 17:04
  Ellen: Mm.
• 17:05
  Ellen: but they just, all they had to do was go up.
• 17:06
  Ellen: It was already, and the lady, you know, stamped it and put it in our account and said thank you, and gave'em the receipt.
• 17:12
  Ellen: But that was like totally mortifying.
• 17:14
  Ellen: Right.
• 17:14
  Ellen: But I knew that was really good for my kids, so I allowed them to, they didn't necessarily think it was a privilege to do a lot of stuff.
• 17:21
  Ellen: Mm-hmm.
• 17:21
  Ellen: you know, so they're in a.
• 17:24
  Ellen: Uh, controlled environment, but they're having to initiate speaking without their mom there.
• 17:31
  Ellen: Mm-hmm.
• 17:31
  Ellen: Mm-hmm.
• 17:31
  Ellen: for the more introverted children.
• 17:33
  Ellen: That was a little terrifying, but it helped them by the time they got out of the home, they knew how to do some basic banking.
• 17:40
  Ellen: They could go shopping, make
• 17:42
  Christie: decisions.
• 17:42
  Christie: Yes.
• 17:43
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 17:43
  Ellen: Really
• 17:44
  Cheryl: basic life functions.
• 17:45
  Christie: Right
• 17:46
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 17:46
  Cheryl: Like you just said, making decisions.
• 17:47
  Cheryl: I think one of the strong ways we preferred our children is.
• 17:52
  Cheryl: Childhood long discussions about how you make decisions about things.
• 17:56
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 17:56
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 17:56
  Cheryl: and bringing them into it, rather than us doing their life and our life.
• 18:00
  Cheryl: We integrated and talked about.
• 18:03
  Cheryl: Right.
• 18:03
  Cheryl: Just practical.
• 18:04
  Cheryl: You talked about shopping, how to shop, what nutrition is, how to cook meals, how to, how to, and then figure it out, or what do you do or, mm-hmm.
• 18:12
  Cheryl: right.
• 18:13
  Cheryl: How do you go about shopping?
• 18:14
  Cheryl: What do you do?
• 18:15
  Ellen: Well, that's what we did.
• 18:15
  Ellen: I mean, having, you know, seven of us, and usually it was more than that, uh, at least once a week because of the, our lifestyle and people coming and going.
• 18:25
  Ellen: You know, I made sure that the kids understood how to make a shopping list.
• 18:29
  Ellen: How to plan a meal and then how to go shopping.
• 18:32
  Ellen: And a lot of times I would just take one of the kids and they would come with me and they would learn to shop.
• 18:38
  Ellen: Now go over there and figure out what is the best prize.
• 18:41
  Ellen: Yes, right.
• 18:41
  Ellen: We did the same thing and you know, look at the schematics, read the schematics on the.
• 18:45
  Ellen: Little things so you know what's the best bargain.
• 18:47
  Ellen: Mm-hmm.
• 18:48
  Ellen: Because it's
• 18:48
  Christie: expensive
• 18:49
  Ellen: feeding a family,
• 18:50
  Christie: Right.
• 18:50
  Christie: Well and that critical thinking Yes.
• 18:52
  Christie: Of having them with you, you can verbalize Yes.
• 18:55
  Christie: When you're having to, you know, oh, they're out of the 15 ounce cans, so let's see what I'm gonna need to do.
• 19:00
  Christie: Yes.
• 19:00
  Christie: To adapt and pivot here.
• 19:02
  Christie: And then they're learning how to think critically, not just follow instructions.
• 19:06
  Christie: Right.
• 19:06
  Christie: Or how things would go in a perfect scenario.
• 19:09
  Christie: And it
• 19:09
  Ellen: was really helpful cuz I always had a baby in.
• 19:12
  Ellen: So it wasn't like it was just that child and I, you know, there was usually a baby in the card and Right.
• 19:17
  Ellen: You know, fun years.
• 19:18
  Ellen: But it was very practical too, because I know that they were learning Yes.
• 19:23
  Ellen: You know how to do
• 19:23
  Christie: those skills well.
• 19:24
  Christie: I think putting our kids in situations that are challenging.
• 19:28
  Christie: Yes.
• 19:28
  Christie: Yeah.
• 19:28
  Christie: And that there's a, a good and maybe even probable Yes.
• 19:33
  Christie: Chance of failure.
• 19:35
  Christie: Yeah, absolutely.
• 19:35
  Christie: So that they can learn how to navigate that.
• 19:37
  Christie: Yes.
• 19:37
  Christie: You know, I love that picture of, of teaching them the, the ropes and, you know, the sail, you're gonna have to take them to the sea often.
• 19:45
  Christie: Mm-hmm.
• 19:45
  Christie: So you've gotta take them to the places of failure, the places of responsibility, the places of regret, so that they can feel that and know how to navigate it.
• 19:54
  Cheryl: Oh, that's so good.
• 19:55
  Christie: Well,
• 19:55
  Cheryl: and it is a good analogy because it's true, I would want someone who could handle.
• 20:01
  Cheryl: a little, whatever you call'em, a little flatboat.
• 20:04
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 20:04
  Cheryl: out in the bay up close to shore before they're in something out where the way huge sailboats with Briggs and, and, and we talk about it under other circumstances, but specifically here, heading towards this launch that all on that road trip, you know, when it comes time they kind of, you let them drive some mm-hmm.
• 20:25
  Cheryl: and mm-hmm.
• 20:26
  Cheryl: all of the things that were intentionally.
• 20:29
  Cheryl: equipping them with the types of tools and process.
• 20:32
  Cheryl: Well, we forget that
• 20:34
  Ellen: life skills Yeah.
• 20:35
  Ellen: Is a class, right?
• 20:37
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 20:37
  Ellen: You know, sometimes they get it at school, but I mean, life skills are what we are supposed to be doing.
• 20:42
  Ellen: Mm-hmm.
• 20:42
  Ellen: they should know how to make dinner.
• 20:44
  Ellen: Mm-hmm.
• 20:44
  Ellen: they should know how to shop.
• 20:46
  Ellen: Right.
• 20:46
  Ellen: They should know how to take care of themselves when they leave your home.
• 20:49
  Ellen: At least on a very basic
• 20:50
  Christie: level.
• 20:51
  Christie: Well, I think having part-time jobs is, has been huge for my kids.
• 20:55
  Christie: I mean, they have to.
• 20:56
  Christie: Coordinate their schedules with the family schedules and their own personal interests and things that they wanna do.
• 21:02
  Christie: Yeah.
• 21:02
  Christie: They have to remember to ask off.
• 21:04
  Christie: They have to feel that disappointment.
• 21:05
  Christie: If they don't get off for the birthday party they wanted to go to.
• 21:08
  Christie: They have to see how, you know, pay doesn't always add up in your head like it comes out on the paycheck.
• 21:13
  Christie: Yes.
• 21:13
  Christie: Oh, they didn't know
• 21:14
  Ellen: about tax, right?
• 21:15
  Ellen: You thought you were making the big bucks.
• 21:17
  Ellen: So Uncle Sam got it.
• 21:19
  Cheryl: Or work with a difficult coworker.
• 21:21
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 21:21
  Cheryl: and we've talked about All of that while they're still at home.
• 21:24
  Cheryl: Right.
• 21:25
  Cheryl: But all of that stuff helps in this launching, preparing for the launching season.
• 21:31
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 21:31
  Cheryl: to do it all.
• 21:32
  Cheryl: It really makes a lot of sense.
• 21:34
  Cheryl: Uh, what are things that you would say don't do to prepare them for this launch?
• 21:40
  Ellen: Don't hover.
• 21:42
  Ellen: Oh yeah, don't hover.
• 21:43
  Ellen: That's a really hard thing not to do, you know, even if you know it's going south.
• 21:48
  Ellen: Mm-hmm.
• 21:48
  Ellen: I'm not saying something really dangerous or horrible if you're like, that's not gonna be a good decision, but they're gonna learn from it.
• 21:55
  Ellen: Mm-hmm.
• 21:55
  Ellen: not just hovering over everything because.
• 21:58
  Ellen: Then when you hover or you give them unsolicited advice, you're basically saying to them, I don't think you're competent enough.
• 22:05
  Ellen: Yes, right.
• 22:05
  Ellen: To handle this problem.
• 22:06
  Cheryl: Right?
• 22:06
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 22:07
  Cheryl: and I like that.
• 22:08
  Cheryl: I like that.
• 22:08
  Cheryl: The confidence, building confidence.
• 22:11
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 22:12
  Cheryl: to take a little bit of a risk mm-hmm.
• 22:14
  Cheryl: and to know what failure feels like.
• 22:16
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 22:16
  Cheryl: And that you can survive failure.
• 22:18
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 22:19
  Cheryl: Right.
• 22:19
  Cheryl: And all of that.
• 22:19
  Cheryl: And to, you know, they talk about snow plowing, bailing their children out.
• 22:24
  Cheryl: It is just not, um, a launching friendly style.
• 22:29
  Cheryl: And it's okay
• 22:29
  Ellen: to feel.
• 22:29
  Ellen: Stupid.
• 22:30
  Ellen: Right.
• 22:30
  Ellen: We all do.
• 22:31
  Ellen: I mean that we all laugh at the stupid things we did when we were in our twenties, and when you learn from it now you can kind of laugh at it, but at the time you're like, oh, I feel so stupid.
• 22:40
  Ellen: Mm-hmm.
• 22:40
  Ellen: way they did that.
• 22:40
  Ellen: Mm-hmm.
• 22:41
  Ellen: you
• 22:41
  Christie: know.
• 22:41
  Christie: Well, that's what I was gonna say was don't criticize or shame.
• 22:44
  Christie: Mm-hmm.
• 22:44
  Christie: you know, let them feel that's good.
• 22:46
  Christie: They have enough, the freedom to, you know, make those mistakes and talk to you about it.
• 22:50
  Christie: And process what, so how would you handle.
• 22:53
  Christie: Time differently because
• 22:54
  Ellen: they won't tell you if you make them feel bad.
• 22:58
  Ellen: They won't necess say necessarily.
• 22:59
  Ellen: They won't go, Hey mom, this is what I just did.
• 23:01
  Ellen: Right.
• 23:01
  Ellen: You know?
• 23:02
  Ellen: And Oh, okay.
• 23:03
  Ellen: That's a bummer.
• 23:04
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 23:04
  Cheryl: And so we've talked about it in different seasons and different episodes, but now towards the launch.
• 23:12
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 23:12
  Cheryl: So that's how to prepare them for the launch.
• 23:15
  Cheryl: What would you recommend to prepare us for the launch?
• 23:19
  Cheryl: That's the
• 23:20
  Christie: parent.
• 23:21
  Christie: That's a hard one
• 23:23
  Cheryl: And with that enticing question and comment, I'm gonna have to interrupt.
• 23:29
  Cheryl: This conversation had so much meat to it.
• 23:33
  Cheryl: And not just philosophical big picture, but I think a lot of practical help.
• 23:39
  Cheryl: We'll pick back up and continue.
• 23:43
  Cheryl: On our next episode, and until then parents remember, hang in there.
• 23:50
  Cheryl: Keep loving, keep persevering because it's worth it.
• 24:01
  I found this dialogue so interesting.
• 24:04
  I could just continue here with my own thoughts, comments, and questions.
• 24:11
  Specifically, I really like Christie's comments on preparing our children in a critically important way, which may often be overlooked.
• 24:22
  It's necessary to put our kids in situations that are challenging to prepare them for life.
• 24:29
  We've gotta take'em to places of failure, to the places of responsibility, to the places of regret, so that they can feel that and know how to navigate it in their own lives.
• 24:46
  So as you look.
• 24:47
  Towards or backwards at your launching season, how do you feel you handled it?
• 24:53
  Do you feel you help prepare your kids well in ways because we'd like to hear about those from you?
• 25:01
  Contact us any way you want to.
• 25:04
  Social media, our website, or text contact@theparentingpodcast.com.
• 25:11
  Next time we'll jump right back in here with the rest of this conversation.
• 25:17
  And how to prepare us, the parents for this launching season.
• 25:23
  I'm so glad you could join us today at The Parenting Podcast.
• 25:27
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