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Andy Stanley - What Happy Couples Know, Part 1 Nothing · Andy Stanley Sermons

0:01
Speaker 1: We're brought here today by the love that Sarah and
0:04
Speaker 1: Davis have for each other.
0:06
Speaker 2: I can't believe I get to marry him. We're perfectly
0:09
Speaker 2: compatible in every way.
0:11
Speaker 1: Yeah, she just gets me, man.
0:14
Speaker 2: Someone to talk to all night long.
0:16
Speaker 1: Someone to talk to all night long.
0:20
Speaker 2: Early morning jogs.
0:21
Speaker 1: Sleeping in late.
0:22
Speaker 2: We'll spend the holidays with my parents.
0:25
Speaker 1: We'll spend the holidays with my parents.
0:26
Speaker 2: We'll have one well-behaved daughter.
0:28
Speaker 1: We'll have four or five little dudes running around.
0:30
Speaker 2: He'll help me pay off my debt.
0:32
Speaker 1: I should probably tell her about all my debt. Is
0:34
Speaker 1: that important? We'll share a bank account.
0:36
Speaker 2: Obviously, we're going to share a Facebook account.
0:40
Speaker 1: Do I need a friend of my in-laws?
0:41
Speaker 2: Someone to do my laundry.
0:43
Speaker 1: Someone to do my laundry.
0:45
Speaker 2: Double income.
0:46
Speaker 1: Stay-at-home dad.
0:48
Speaker 2: Meal planning, of course. Takeout. The city.
0:51
Speaker 1: The burbs.
0:51
Speaker 2: Mission trip.
0:52
Speaker 1: Ski trip. Blue.
0:53
Speaker 3: Red. Cat. Dog. Fries.
0:54
Speaker 1: Rings.
0:55
Speaker 2: Potato.
0:55
Speaker 1: Potato.
0:56
Speaker 2: Minivan. Motorcycle.
0:57
Speaker 3: Two words.
0:59
Speaker 2: Finished basement.
1:00
Speaker 1: Two words, man cave.
1:03
Speaker 2: He's so smart.
1:05
Speaker 1: Do you think that birds wish that they had hands?
1:09
Speaker 2: We're going to be so happy.
1:11
Speaker 1: We'll be so happy. I'm going to crush it at.
1:14
Speaker 2: Being a husband.
1:21
Speaker 3: So the ladies are thinking, finally, a relationship series. The
1:27
Speaker 3: men are thinking, I was just starting to like this guy.
1:31
Speaker 3: So ladies, a couple things, just to stereotype just a bit. Ladies, men,
1:37
Speaker 3: let's sort of get us all on the same page.
1:39
Speaker 3: Men think of relationships the way that most of you,
1:42
Speaker 3: not all of you, but that most of you think
1:44
Speaker 3: about a car. We don't want to work on it.
1:48
Speaker 3: We just want it to work. So when you say, hey,
1:52
Speaker 3: let's talk about our relationship. I'm so glad we're having
1:55
Speaker 3: this relationship series or maybe we can talk after the message.
1:57
Speaker 3: When you say, let's talk about our relationship, here's what
2:00
Speaker 3: we hear. We hear there's something wrong with us and
2:03
Speaker 3: you know how to fix it. And we remember when
2:06
Speaker 3: we were little boys, our dads disappeared with our pets
2:10
Speaker 3: to go get them fixed. And then they brought them back.
2:13
Speaker 3: And they had a big plastic cone over their head.
2:15
Speaker 3: And so we don't really want to be fixed. That
2:18
Speaker 3: just conjures up all kinds of horrible memories. Ladies, when
2:21
Speaker 3: you say, let's talk about it or let's work on it,
2:23
Speaker 3: let's talk about the relationship, it reminds me of sometimes
2:26
Speaker 3: when Sandra and I are driving somewhere and I'm driving
2:28
Speaker 3: and I hear a noise in my truck and I'm like,
2:31
Speaker 3: turn down the radio. I'm like, do you hear that rattle,
2:33
Speaker 3: that knock? She's like, no. I'm going, listen real carefully.
2:35
Speaker 3: She's trying. I'm like, there it is, there it is.
2:37
Speaker 3: Next thing you know, she's driving and I'm in the
2:39
Speaker 3: backseat trying to find what's wrong, that rattle, that noise
2:43
Speaker 3: in the back of the truck. She's like, good grief,
2:46
Speaker 3: can we just not turn up the radio? I'm like, no.
2:48
Speaker 3: Or maybe, ladies, your situation, if you're married, you look
2:50
Speaker 3: out and your husband's got the hood up and he's
2:52
Speaker 3: looking under the hood or you go out in the garage,
2:54
Speaker 3: he's got the hood up and you're thinking, he doesn't
2:55
Speaker 3: even know anything about cars. Or you drive over to
2:58
Speaker 3: see your boyfriend and instead of in his apartment, he's
3:00
Speaker 3: out in the parking lot and the hood's up and
3:03
Speaker 3: you say, is something wrong with your car? And he says, no,
3:06
Speaker 3: I'm just checking. I'm just kind of looking around, just checking.
3:09
Speaker 3: And ladies, you're thinking, look, as long as it's not
3:12
Speaker 3: broken down on the side of the road, do you
3:14
Speaker 3: really need to check it? To which we say, aha,
3:16
Speaker 3: that's the way we feel about relationships. If the relationships
3:19
Speaker 3: are not broken down on the side of the road,
3:21
Speaker 3: do we really need to talk about it? And the
3:24
Speaker 3: answer is, yes, we do. So for four weeks, we're
3:29
Speaker 3: gonna talk about relationships. Relationships as it relates to singles
3:32
Speaker 3: moving into a special relationship. You're in that special relationship.
3:35
Speaker 3: You're engaged. You're newlywed. You've been married for a while.
3:38
Speaker 3: We're gonna encompass all of those for four weeks. Today's
3:41
Speaker 3: the first week, and if this is your first time
3:43
Speaker 3: with us, the first time watching, or the first time
3:45
Speaker 3: in one of our series, today's the introduction, so I'm
3:47
Speaker 3: gonna sort of set the table, create the tension. There's
3:50
Speaker 3: not gonna be a lot of Bible study, so if
3:51
Speaker 3: this is your first time with us, and you think,
3:52
Speaker 3: do they never talk about the Bible in their church?
3:54
Speaker 3: Come back next week. We're gonna look at one of
3:56
Speaker 3: the most fantastic relationship statements of any literature anywhere, and
4:01
Speaker 3: it's found in the New Testament, so you don't want
4:03
Speaker 3: to miss next week. But today, I simply want to
4:05
Speaker 3: highlight the tension, describe the tension, and hopefully give you
4:08
Speaker 3: some handles to talk about some things that maybe you've
4:11
Speaker 3: tried to talk about in the past, and it just
4:13
Speaker 3: didn't go all that well. When it comes to relationships,
4:17
Speaker 3: when it comes to relationships, all of us have a box,
4:21
Speaker 3: an invisible box of hopes, dreams, and desires. If you're
4:25
Speaker 3: single and not dating anybody, this is a very undefined box.
4:29
Speaker 3: The things in this box are very undefined for you,
4:31
Speaker 3: but as you move into a relationship or as you
4:33
Speaker 3: think about moving toward a significant relationship, these become more defined.
4:37
Speaker 3: You have some hopes, you have some dreams, you have
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Speaker 3: some wishes, you have some desires as it relates to
4:42
Speaker 3: a future relationship. If you're engaged, hopefully you've already talked
4:46
Speaker 3: about what is in your box and you've heard from
4:48
Speaker 3: your fiance what's in their box. If you're married, if
4:52
Speaker 3: you're married, you should definitely know what's in your spouse's box.
4:56
Speaker 3: And some of you do and some of you don't,
4:59
Speaker 3: which is part of the problem. But we all have hopes, dreams,
5:02
Speaker 3: and desires. When we think about the future, we all
5:05
Speaker 3: have some hopes, dreams, and desires as it relates to
5:07
Speaker 3: this stuff right here. Money, you know we're gonna have
5:10
Speaker 3: a lot of money. or we don't need a lot
5:11
Speaker 3: of money, or love will keep us alive. Two, we
5:15
Speaker 3: have double income, but I'm gonna save all of mine,
5:17
Speaker 3: or we're gonna have a single income. I'm gonna be
5:19
Speaker 3: a stay-at-home mom. I'm gonna be a stay-at-home dad. Maybe
5:22
Speaker 3: we'll just have so much money we can both just
5:24
Speaker 3: stay at home. We're gonna have a budget. We're not
5:27
Speaker 3: gonna have a budget. A budget sounds like allowance. I've
5:29
Speaker 3: never had, I don't wanna start getting allowance again. So
5:32
Speaker 3: you have all these ideas, but you have some expectations.
5:34
Speaker 3: You have some hopes and dreams as it relates to
5:36
Speaker 3: your financial future. When Sandra and I got married, she
5:40
Speaker 3: had this little saying, and I didn't catch on for
5:42
Speaker 3: a long time, and she would say this thing, and
5:45
Speaker 3: really years in, it finally dawned on me, wait a minute,
5:47
Speaker 3: that doesn't even make any sense. She would say this.
5:49
Speaker 3: She would say, well, what's mine is mine, and what's
5:51
Speaker 3: yours is mine. And I think because I showed up
5:56
Speaker 3: in the equation, I fell for it. I'm like, well,
5:58
Speaker 3: we're both in there. But wait a minute. So you
6:01
Speaker 3: have some ideas. You have some hopes. You have some dreams.
6:04
Speaker 3: You have some wishes. You have some ideas about if
6:06
Speaker 3: you get together and if you fall in love and
6:09
Speaker 3: get married someday, somehow all the chores are going to
6:11
Speaker 3: get done. And you think about how it happened in
6:13
Speaker 3: the family or family of origin. Or you think about...
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Speaker 3: the way that should happen or the way you dream
6:17
Speaker 3: about that happen. You're going to live in some sort
6:19
Speaker 3: of thing. You're going to rent. You're going to lease.
6:20
Speaker 3: You're going to purchase. You're going to keep driving the
6:23
Speaker 3: sports car forever. Maybe you'll talk him or talk her
6:28
Speaker 3: into trading her sports car for something more practical. You probably,
6:33
Speaker 3: when you think about your future, you want to have
6:36
Speaker 3: a child. If you're an only child, you're thinking, I'd like...
6:39
Speaker 3: I don't want to have an only child. I want
6:42
Speaker 3: to have some children. But if I have two girls,
6:44
Speaker 3: we're going to keep going until we get a boy.
6:48
Speaker 3: And why not just have a basketball team? So you've
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Speaker 3: got some hopes and dreams as it relates to those things, right?
6:55
Speaker 3: You've got a mental picture of what scheduling in a
6:58
Speaker 3: relationship is going to be like, how we spend our
7:00
Speaker 3: discretionary time, our free time. I get to spend time
7:02
Speaker 3: with my friends. You spend time with your friends. No,
7:05
Speaker 3: We spend all of our time together. No, I don't
7:07
Speaker 3: want you to meet my friends. I mean, there's, you know,
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Speaker 3: hopes and dreams and expectations as it relates to time.
7:12
Speaker 3: And then there's hopes and dreams as it relates to
7:15
Speaker 3: the calendar. And this was a big discussion for us too,
7:18
Speaker 3: because Sandra, she was so fair. She said, I only
7:21
Speaker 3: want three holidays and your family can have all the rest.
7:24
Speaker 3: She said, I'll take, our family will take, we'll spend
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Speaker 3: Thanksgiving and Christmas and Easter with my family. And you
7:33
Speaker 3: get Halloween, Groundhog Day. And she gave our family Festival
7:40
Speaker 3: of the Souls. She was so generous. And something about
7:42
Speaker 3: that she was 16th Choctaw Indian or something, how that
7:45
Speaker 3: was special. And I realized that's like a Japanese thing
7:47
Speaker 3: that has something to do with emperor worship. But anyway, so,
7:50
Speaker 3: but you sort of have a picture of how all
7:52
Speaker 3: of that's, you know, these are, this is how it's
7:54
Speaker 3: all going to work out. This is how, you know,
7:55
Speaker 3: we're going to kind of live the dream. And then
7:57
Speaker 3: You know, there's travel. We'll travel a lot. We're gonna
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Speaker 3: travel all around the world. No, we're gonna keep it
8:01
Speaker 3: in the United States. There's enough to see here. Maybe
8:03
Speaker 3: we just stay in the state of Georgia. No, we're
8:05
Speaker 3: gonna travel all over. There's, you know, hopes and dreams
8:08
Speaker 3: as it relates to that. And this is, you know,
8:10
Speaker 3: every guy has some idea of what he hopes and
8:14
Speaker 3: dreams that his wife will not wear to bed. And
8:21
Speaker 3: she's thinking, but you know, he just wants me to
8:23
Speaker 3: be comfortable. He doesn't care. He accepts me just the
8:27
Speaker 3: way I am. He's going to accept me just the
8:29
Speaker 3: way I am, that those sorts of things won't even matter.
8:31
Speaker 3: And then, of course, there's conflict resolution, you know, because
8:34
Speaker 3: you've got to resolve conflict in a marriage or in
8:37
Speaker 3: a relationship. Initially, there's conflict in just about every relationship.
8:41
Speaker 3: And so the expectation is, or the thought is, well,
8:44
Speaker 3: we'll just talk it all out, get everything out on
8:46
Speaker 3: the table, and just be completely honest. I mean, we'll
8:48
Speaker 3: just be just extremely honest with each other so we
8:51
Speaker 3: can work through things. And maybe somebody else is thinking, no, no, no,
8:54
Speaker 3: that That's how you hurt people's feelings. You don't say
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Speaker 3: everything that's true. You just make sure that what you
8:59
Speaker 3: say is true. One person says, will you raise your voice?
9:02
Speaker 3: I grew up in a family where we raised our voice,
9:04
Speaker 3: we yelled and screamed, but we got it all out
9:06
Speaker 3: and we were all good at the end. No, we
9:07
Speaker 3: don't raise our voices because raising our voices is insensitive.
9:11
Speaker 3: So we're just going to, you know, that's not how
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Speaker 3: you resolve. That's not how we're going to resolve conflict.
9:15
Speaker 3: And then some guys are thinking, conflict resolution? I Kind
9:19
Speaker 3: of thought that's what sex was for. Then there's this
9:22
Speaker 3: big one that I don't even have something to illustrate it.
9:26
Speaker 3: And that's basically, how are we going to treat each other?
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Speaker 3: How are we going to, how am I going to
9:31
Speaker 3: behave toward him? How is she going to behave toward me?
9:35
Speaker 3: How am I going to behave when? What do I expect?
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Speaker 3: My husband or my fiance, my girlfriend, she's never going
9:42
Speaker 3: to say, she's never going to use this term. She's
9:45
Speaker 3: never going to threaten. I mean, there's just an expectation.
9:48
Speaker 3: You may have never defined it. In fact, I think
9:50
Speaker 3: most people don't, but you have a pretty clear expectation
9:53
Speaker 3: about how you will be treated in this very, very
9:57
Speaker 3: significant relationship. If she's me, he would never. If he
10:01
Speaker 3: loves me, he'll never. There are several things that impact
10:07
Speaker 3: what we put in our hopes, dreams, and desires box.
10:10
Speaker 3: And we all have a box. There are several things
10:12
Speaker 3: that impact that. One of the things that impact that
10:15
Speaker 3: is what we've seen and what we've heard. What you've
10:18
Speaker 3: seen maybe in other relationships, what you've seen modeled, what
10:22
Speaker 3: you saw with the folks next door, what you've read,
10:25
Speaker 3: what you've seen, what you've seen in culture. But primarily,
10:28
Speaker 3: the thing that impacts what we put in our box
10:31
Speaker 3: is really what we've experienced. And for many of us,
10:34
Speaker 3: it's what we experienced in the home we grew up in.
10:37
Speaker 3: That our hopes and our dreams and our desires, and
10:39
Speaker 3: this is such a big deal, and it's complicated, and
10:41
Speaker 3: it's emotional. But most of our hopes, dreams, and desires
10:45
Speaker 3: are a response to what we grew up in and
10:48
Speaker 3: what we grew up around. We are either trying to
10:50
Speaker 3: avoid something or we're trying to recreate something. We're trying
10:55
Speaker 3: to avoid something that, oh my gosh, my relationship's not
10:59
Speaker 3: gonna be like that. I'm not gonna be like my dad.
11:01
Speaker 3: I'm not gonna be like my mom. We're not gonna
11:02
Speaker 3: have that kind of relationship. We either put in our
11:04
Speaker 3: box things that help us avoid something or you grew
11:08
Speaker 3: up in a situation where it's like, wow, that's exactly
11:10
Speaker 3: what I want. And maybe it wasn't your parents. Maybe
11:12
Speaker 3: your older brother or sister has like a fabulous relationship
11:15
Speaker 3: and you're like, that's the kind of relationship I wanna have.
11:18
Speaker 3: I'm not simply trying to avoid something. I'm trying to
11:21
Speaker 3: repeat something. I'm trying to recreate something. But even in
11:25
Speaker 3: those situations where we are trying to recreate something great,
11:29
Speaker 3: even in those ideal situations where we're trying to recreate
11:32
Speaker 3: something that's healthy, that's worth recreating, in the middle of
11:36
Speaker 3: all of this is me. Because these are my hopes.
11:43
Speaker 3: And these are my dreams. And these are my desires.
11:49
Speaker 3: And at some point in the relationship, and we don't
11:52
Speaker 3: even know when this is happening. This is why I
11:54
Speaker 3: just sort of want to put some visuals with this
11:56
Speaker 3: so we can think about it in sort of concrete,
11:58
Speaker 3: tangible ways. At some point in the relationship, while you're dating,
12:02
Speaker 3: Once you get engaged, maybe at the altar, maybe a
12:05
Speaker 3: month after you're married, maybe a year after you're married,
12:08
Speaker 3: at some point along the way, we can't help ourselves.
12:11
Speaker 3: We essentially take our box of hopes, dreams, and desires,
12:14
Speaker 3: and we say, here, make them come true. Make them
12:19
Speaker 3: come true. This is what I always dreamed it would
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Speaker 3: be like. This is what I hoped it would be like.
12:24
Speaker 3: The reason I pursued you, the reason I asked you out,
12:26
Speaker 3: the reason I said yes when you asked me out,
12:28
Speaker 3: the reason I asked you to marry me, the reason
12:30
Speaker 3: I said yes when you asked me to marry, the
12:32
Speaker 3: reason that I walked down the aisle with you is
12:33
Speaker 3: because in my mind, this is what the future looks like.
12:37
Speaker 3: And I need you to come through for me. But
12:44
Speaker 3: the challenge is, and the problem is, and the tension comes,
12:47
Speaker 3: when we hand somebody our box of hopes, dreams, and desires,
12:52
Speaker 3: it doesn't feel like hopes, dreams, and desires to them,
12:55
Speaker 3: does it? To them, it feels like expectations. To them
13:00
Speaker 3: it feels like a weight. To them it feels like
13:04
Speaker 3: the bar has been raised. To them it feels like
13:07
Speaker 3: a homework assignment. To them it feels like a responsibility.
13:12
Speaker 3: To them it feels like if they don't come through,
13:15
Speaker 3: you might be disappointed with them. expectations are simply this,
13:21
Speaker 3: a strong desire, a strong belief rather, that something will happen.
13:25
Speaker 3: Now it may not happen in the first month, may
13:27
Speaker 3: not happen in the first year, but you know, one
13:29
Speaker 3: day we'll get there, aren't we honey? We will get
13:30
Speaker 3: there one day, won't we? The strong belief that something
13:33
Speaker 3: will happen or that it will be the case in
13:35
Speaker 3: the future. I mean, it's not our dream home, but
13:37
Speaker 3: we're working toward that. I mean, he hasn't gotten rid
13:40
Speaker 3: of that yet, but he will. She hasn't changed her
13:42
Speaker 3: mind yet, but she will. We haven't gotten there yet,
13:45
Speaker 3: but we will. Won't we? Won't we?
13:47
Speaker 1: Won't we?
13:48
Speaker 3: It's the strong belief that something will happen or will
13:51
Speaker 3: be the case in the future. But the problem is this,
13:54
Speaker 3: and you're smart enough to know this. I'm just putting
13:55
Speaker 3: words around things perhaps you've thought and perhaps have felt.
13:58
Speaker 3: That attempting to recreate something Attempting to recreate or avoid
14:03
Speaker 3: something from the past. Anytime we attempt to recreate or
14:06
Speaker 3: avoid something from the past, it transforms hopes, dreams, and
14:09
Speaker 3: desires into expectations. So even in the best of relationships,
14:15
Speaker 3: even in the most ideal relationships, even when the best
14:20
Speaker 3: fall down sometime, even when the wrong words seem to rhyme,
14:26
Speaker 3: out of the doubt that fills my mind. I somehow,
14:30
Speaker 3: I'm so confused that this happened. I somehow find, we
14:33
Speaker 3: somehow find, what? That you and I, what? Collide. That's right.
14:41
Speaker 3: See what I did there?
14:42
Speaker 1: Yeah.
14:44
Speaker 3: And here's the thing. When eyes collide, you know, it's
14:47
Speaker 3: not really a you and I collide, it's eyes collide.
14:50
Speaker 3: And when eyes collide, we swap boxes. I give you mine,
14:55
Speaker 3: you give me yours. And what was intangible and ethereal
14:59
Speaker 3: and hopeful and dreamy, and I've spent years thinking about
15:02
Speaker 3: this and I've always envisioned it would be this way,
15:05
Speaker 3: suddenly it's a burden to someone. And you're handed their burden,
15:08
Speaker 3: their expectations. as well. Now, when eyes collide, we do
15:13
Speaker 3: one of five things. And I want to talk about
15:15
Speaker 3: the first four today for just a few minutes. When
15:18
Speaker 3: eyes collide, we do one of four things. The most
15:20
Speaker 3: extreme thing is we leave. We just say, you know what?
15:22
Speaker 3: That's not what I had in mind. That's not what
15:23
Speaker 3: I bargained for. I didn't know. You didn't tell me.
15:26
Speaker 3: You weren't honest. You didn't make it clear. That's not
15:28
Speaker 3: what I signed up for. You changed the rules. You
15:31
Speaker 3: switched gears. You switched lanes. You switched horses. This just
15:34
Speaker 3: is not what I signed up for. I can't carry
15:37
Speaker 3: this expectation. I can't meet this expectation. I'll never live
15:42
Speaker 3: up to what you want me to live up to.
15:44
Speaker 3: This will never be a reality for us, and I
15:47
Speaker 3: don't want to live with the pressure. I can't take
15:49
Speaker 3: the pressure, and so I'm out of here. And do
15:52
Speaker 3: you know what you do when you leave? You pick
15:55
Speaker 3: up your box of hopes, dreams, and desires and you
15:59
Speaker 3: cart it off to the next relationship. Second thing we
16:04
Speaker 3: do if we don't leave is we win. A lot
16:05
Speaker 3: of us just want to win. In every relationship, there's
16:08
Speaker 3: generally a stronger personality. Not always, but oftentimes the case,
16:11
Speaker 3: that's the case. And in those situations, oftentimes one person
16:14
Speaker 3: powers up and they win. They leverage what I call
16:17
Speaker 3: the four C's to an unsatisfying and dysfunctional relationship. You
16:20
Speaker 3: know what those are? The four C's, I'll show them
16:22
Speaker 3: to you real quick. If you want to have a
16:24
Speaker 3: terrible relationship, here is the prescription right here. You convince,
16:29
Speaker 3: you convict, you control, and you coerce. You convince, you
16:32
Speaker 3: know what we convince? We say, now look, I realize,
16:35
Speaker 3: I realize, you know, this is how you thought it
16:37
Speaker 3: should be, but you're wrong. I realize this is how
16:40
Speaker 3: you always, you know, dealt with conflict in your family,
16:43
Speaker 3: but let me tell you how it's gonna be. I
16:44
Speaker 3: realize you always dreamed about, I know, but see, honey,
16:48
Speaker 3: you have the wrong box. See, yours is the bad box,
16:52
Speaker 3: mine is the good box. See? My box is how
16:55
Speaker 3: the world works. This is the rational way to do it.
16:58
Speaker 3: This is the right way to do it. If you'll
17:00
Speaker 3: just trust me and live the life that I want
17:02
Speaker 3: you to live and become more like me, you'll be happier.
17:06
Speaker 3: Because aren't people always happier when they try to become
17:09
Speaker 3: like someone else? Of course. Don't we always become happier
17:12
Speaker 3: when we throw away and abandon who we are and
17:14
Speaker 3: who God created us to be in order to conform
17:16
Speaker 3: to the image of our partner? Of course, it is
17:18
Speaker 3: a recipe for happiness. So honey, If you will just
17:20
Speaker 3: abandon everything in your box and embrace mine, it'll all
17:25
Speaker 3: work out. And you convince and you convict. You convict
17:29
Speaker 3: because you make them feel guilty. It's like, okay, I
17:31
Speaker 3: don't want to be critical, but that's just kind of dumb. Okay,
17:33
Speaker 3: I don't want to be critical, but... Did that work
17:37
Speaker 3: out for your parents? No. So we're not going to
17:39
Speaker 3: do it that way. I don't want to judge you
17:42
Speaker 3: or judge your family, but just, I mean, they're a wreck.
17:45
Speaker 3: So no, we're not going to do it that way.
17:47
Speaker 3: And we control and we coerce. And at the end
17:49
Speaker 3: of the day, here's the interesting thing. The winner, the
17:52
Speaker 3: winner is happy. The winner's happy. In fact, they're always
17:57
Speaker 3: grinning at me. Life is great. They're living out their
17:59
Speaker 3: dream and they've got somebody to help them live out
18:01
Speaker 3: their dream. And they can't quite figure out what's wrong
18:02
Speaker 3: with her and what's wrong with him, but he's coming along.
18:05
Speaker 3: He's doing You know, just pray because I'm happy because,
18:08
Speaker 3: you know, we got two people working out of my box, right?
18:13
Speaker 3: And they ultimately and eventually conform to the image of
18:17
Speaker 3: your box, which of course, this is the correct box.
18:21
Speaker 3: This is the right way to do things. So the
18:23
Speaker 3: third response is just the flip side to the person
18:25
Speaker 3: or the opposite to the person who wins. The third
18:28
Speaker 3: response is we're the conformer. We become somebody we're not
18:33
Speaker 3: to compensate for somebody who won't love us. We become
18:37
Speaker 3: somebody we're not to compensate for someone who will not
18:40
Speaker 3: accept us as we are. We abandon who we are
18:45
Speaker 3: in order to embrace what makes another person happy regardless
18:49
Speaker 3: of whether or not it works for us and works
18:52
Speaker 3: with us. We just basically conform. And conforming works for
18:58
Speaker 3: a while. It really works for the person who won,
19:00
Speaker 3: but it works for the person who conformed as well
19:02
Speaker 3: because the temperature goes down in the relationship. You know,
19:05
Speaker 3: the tension goes down in the relationship. As long as
19:08
Speaker 3: she's happy, I'll just deal with it. As long as
19:10
Speaker 3: he's happy, I'll just deal with it. It's not my dream.
19:12
Speaker 3: It's not my hope. It's not what I'd wish for.
19:14
Speaker 3: It's not what I'd expected. But you know what? If
19:16
Speaker 3: he's happy, if she's happy, I'll just deal with it.
19:19
Speaker 3: But at the end of the day, at the end
19:21
Speaker 3: of the day, when somebody in a relationship is simply
19:23
Speaker 3: giving up who they are to become somebody that they're not,
19:26
Speaker 3: at the end of the day, they lose respect for
19:28
Speaker 3: their partner and their partner loses respect for them. And
19:32
Speaker 3: then the fourth response is the most common response. We
19:36
Speaker 3: just compromise. In fact, I think for many people, they
19:40
Speaker 3: think this is the goal, that this is the win.
19:43
Speaker 3: This is how you stay married. You just compromise. And
19:47
Speaker 3: perhaps you saw this with your parents. Your parents weren't unhappy.
19:51
Speaker 3: They weren't real happy. They just got along. They just
19:54
Speaker 3: worked it out. Or maybe you've even said, you know,
19:56
Speaker 3: my parents, they eventually, they just kind of figured it out.
20:00
Speaker 3: Because in the compromised marriage, I'm going to do my
20:02
Speaker 3: part and you do your part. And I'm going to
20:04
Speaker 3: keep an eye on you to make sure you do
20:05
Speaker 3: your part. And I know you're watching me to make
20:07
Speaker 3: sure I do my part. In a compromised marriage, there's
20:10
Speaker 3: score keeping. Everybody's keeping score. Everybody's keeping record. It's a
20:14
Speaker 3: bit contractual. You know, we didn't, we agree this year
20:17
Speaker 3: was my year with my family. Next year is your
20:19
Speaker 3: year with your, don't even bring up next year because
20:20
Speaker 3: we've already decided. I don't care what's happening. I know
20:23
Speaker 3: your father's sick. That's tough, but it's my, you know,
20:25
Speaker 3: we're going to, just kidding. We're going to be with
20:27
Speaker 3: my family no matter what, because we Come on, we
20:31
Speaker 3: already decided. We've already worked this out. In this kind
20:36
Speaker 3: of relationship, whether it's a dating relationship, engaged relationship, marriage relationship,
20:40
Speaker 3: there's low trust. In fact, the trust continues to get
20:43
Speaker 3: lower and lower and lower. And where there's low trust,
20:45
Speaker 3: there's low intimacy. And here's why. You cannot be actually
20:48
Speaker 3: intimate with anyone you're not willing to fully give yourself
20:51
Speaker 3: to and you will not fully give yourself to someone
20:53
Speaker 3: you don't completely trust. In fact, you can't give yourself
20:57
Speaker 3: fully to someone you don't completely trust. Trust. If you're
21:01
Speaker 3: single and you want to know the secret to great
21:03
Speaker 3: sex in marriage, it has nothing to do with sex.
21:06
Speaker 3: It has nothing to do with anything physical. It has
21:08
Speaker 3: everything to do with intimacy. And intimacy is tied to trust.
21:13
Speaker 3: And in a relationship that's characterized by any of these things,
21:16
Speaker 3: and maybe perhaps especially to this one, something begins to happen.
21:20
Speaker 3: I mean, it's still physical, but it's not amazing. It's
21:25
Speaker 3: not intimacy because everybody is a little bit on guard
21:30
Speaker 3: lest they be taken advantage of. And it's ultimately very unfulfilling.
21:37
Speaker 3: It'll work. You can go the distance. You can end
21:40
Speaker 3: your life together. but there's a better way. And the
21:44
Speaker 3: other thing about compromise is this. Listen, this is a
21:47
Speaker 3: subtle thing. At the end of the day, a compromised
21:50
Speaker 3: relationship is fueled by a commitment to the wrong thing.
21:54
Speaker 3: And this sounds bad when I say it, but we'll
21:56
Speaker 3: talk about it. It's actually fueled by a commitment to
22:00
Speaker 3: the relationship. In fact, you may have said this before,
22:03
Speaker 3: or you've heard someone say this before. You've heard somebody say,
22:06
Speaker 3: I'm committed to my marriage, I'm committed to my marriage,
22:09
Speaker 3: and this sounds good. but nobody marries a marriage. I'm
22:14
Speaker 3: committed to my marriage. I married a marriage and I'm
22:18
Speaker 3: committed to my marriage. Sounds good, but nobody marries a marriage.
22:21
Speaker 3: Nobody dates a relationship. Nobody is engaged to a relationship.
22:28
Speaker 3: There is another name in the equation. And I'll tell
22:31
Speaker 3: you the first time I bumped into this, we had
22:34
Speaker 3: not been married for very long. Sandra and I had
22:35
Speaker 3: not been married for very long. We were with a
22:38
Speaker 3: couple and they were older than us and they were
22:41
Speaker 3: doing good, you know. It was all right, you know,
22:43
Speaker 3: we're kind of getting along. And, you know, they kept saying,
22:46
Speaker 3: you know, marriage is hard, marriage is this and marriage
22:48
Speaker 3: is that. I'm like... Ours isn't, ours isn't fun right now.
22:51
Speaker 3: You're ruining it. Is this what we have to look
22:53
Speaker 3: forward to? Thank you for sharing, you know? And at
22:56
Speaker 3: some point in the conversation, one of them said, talked
22:58
Speaker 3: about being committed to their marriage. We got in the car,
23:01
Speaker 3: we were driving home. I said, and this was years ago,
23:04
Speaker 3: and I'm sure I did not say this near as
23:05
Speaker 3: eloquently as I'm going to try to say it now. Because,
23:08
Speaker 3: you know, early on in marriage, you kind of say
23:10
Speaker 3: the right, things the wrong way and the wrong things
23:13
Speaker 3: sometimes come out the right way and you get more
23:14
Speaker 3: credit than you deserve and I think this was one
23:16
Speaker 3: of those conversations and what I was trying to say
23:18
Speaker 3: to Sandra is this I said honey I don't really
23:21
Speaker 3: want you to be committed to our marriage I want
23:25
Speaker 3: you to be committed to me. And you know what?
23:28
Speaker 3: I don't want our relationship to devolve to the level
23:31
Speaker 3: to where I'm just committed to marriage. I mean, it
23:34
Speaker 3: could be anybody. I'm just committed to marriage. Just put
23:36
Speaker 3: anybody in the marriage I'm committed to. I hope you
23:39
Speaker 3: always feel like beyond being committed to marriage, I'm committed
23:45
Speaker 3: to you, the person. Because being committed to my marriage
23:51
Speaker 3: or to say I want my marriage to work or
23:54
Speaker 3: I want my relationship to work, once again, who's in
23:57
Speaker 3: the middle of all that? It's me. It's about my
24:00
Speaker 3: marriage and my future and my reputation and my kids
24:04
Speaker 3: growing up with two parents in the home. It's all
24:07
Speaker 3: about me. And this is not a bad thing. In fact,
24:10
Speaker 3: if you only get this far and you finish together,
24:12
Speaker 3: that's good. I mean, being for marriage is better than
24:15
Speaker 3: being against marriage, right? And wanting your marriage to be
24:19
Speaker 3: a good marriage is certainly better than not wanting your
24:21
Speaker 3: marriage to be a good marriage, but there's something beyond
24:23
Speaker 3: that because there is another face and there is another name,
24:26
Speaker 3: there is another person in the equation besides you. And
24:32
Speaker 3: at the end of the day, this will work, but
24:36
Speaker 3: it's not all that much fun and it's not all
24:39
Speaker 3: that fulfilling. So, When I's collide, when I's collide, we leave,
24:46
Speaker 3: we try to win, we conform, or perhaps we compromise.
24:51
Speaker 3: But when I's collide, for sure, we loses. Now, as
24:56
Speaker 3: I said, there's another option, and the fifth option is
25:00
Speaker 3: what happy couples know, and we're gonna spend next week
25:03
Speaker 3: the entire time talking about that fifth option, which is
25:05
Speaker 3: a little frustrating, but we're gonna get to it next week,
25:07
Speaker 3: and it's so powerful, and it's so wonderful, and it's
25:09
Speaker 3: so amazing, we're gonna spend the entire time on it.
25:12
Speaker 3: But for the next few minutes, I wanna frame the
25:14
Speaker 3: problem in a way that'll help you and help us
25:16
Speaker 3: understand exactly where we're headed. for the next few weeks.
25:19
Speaker 3: Because I would imagine nothing I've said thus far is
25:22
Speaker 3: unique or you've never heard it before. Maybe I've just
25:23
Speaker 3: put some different terms on a dynamic that you're experiencing
25:26
Speaker 3: now or that you don't want to experience in the
25:28
Speaker 3: future or maybe you experienced in a previous relationship and
25:31
Speaker 3: it's like, oh my gosh, that's exactly what was going on.
25:34
Speaker 3: I just didn't have the visual aids to illustrate it.
25:37
Speaker 3: So let me frame this one more time in a
25:40
Speaker 3: little bit different way and we'll wrap this up. Expectations,
25:43
Speaker 3: expectations create, in any relationship, In any relationship, expectations create
25:49
Speaker 3: a debt-debtor relationship. In other words, whenever I put all
25:53
Speaker 3: my hopes, wishes, and dreams on you and expect you
25:56
Speaker 3: to do something for them, in that moment, I live
25:59
Speaker 3: under the assumption that now you owe me. See, you now,
26:05
Speaker 3: I've committed my life to you, you've committed your life
26:07
Speaker 3: to me, or we're moving toward committing our lives to
26:09
Speaker 3: each other, which means these are my hopes, dreams, and desires,
26:12
Speaker 3: and now that I'm handing them to you, this is
26:14
Speaker 3: what you owe me. You are in debt to me.
26:16
Speaker 3: You owe me attention. You owe me to fully resolve
26:20
Speaker 3: the conflict. You owe it to me to make sure
26:22
Speaker 3: that I enjoy how we do the calendar and the
26:24
Speaker 3: money and the travel and everything else. You owe me affection.
26:27
Speaker 3: You owe me to pay the bills. You owe me
26:29
Speaker 3: to provide for me. You owe me to make sure
26:31
Speaker 3: the house is clean. You owe me to stay fit,
26:33
Speaker 3: to stay in shape. You owe me patience. You owe
26:36
Speaker 3: it to me to play with the kids a lot
26:38
Speaker 3: amount of time. You owe kids to me. You owe
26:40
Speaker 3: me clean socks. You owe me. And I owe you.
26:44
Speaker 3: And even though both of us are in debt to
26:46
Speaker 3: each other, it creates a debt-debtor relationship, which is not
26:49
Speaker 3: what God ultimately had in mind when he put the
26:52
Speaker 3: first man and the first woman together. See, it boils
26:56
Speaker 3: down to this. That's what you're supposed to do. I mean,
27:00
Speaker 3: that's what a man does. I mean, that's what my
27:02
Speaker 3: father did. That's what a woman's supposed to do. That's
27:04
Speaker 3: what my mom did. That's what men are supposed to do.
27:07
Speaker 3: That's what wives are supposed to do. This is what
27:09
Speaker 3: you're supposed to do. Now, here's a question for you,
27:11
Speaker 3: and I know you know the answer. How much gratitude,
27:15
Speaker 3: because this is a big part of the equation, this
27:17
Speaker 3: is a big part of the tension. How much gratitude,
27:20
Speaker 3: how much gratitude do you express to people who pay
27:24
Speaker 3: you what they owe you? How much gratitude do you
27:29
Speaker 3: express to people who do what they're supposed to do?
27:34
Speaker 3: who give what they're supposed to give, who simply provide
27:37
Speaker 3: the service they're supposed to provide. I mean, how much
27:40
Speaker 3: gratitude do you express to the person that sort of
27:43
Speaker 3: meets the minimum requirement or at least does what you
27:45
Speaker 3: contractually decided they're gonna do? How much gratitude do you
27:49
Speaker 3: express to that person? The answer is minimal. Minimal. We
27:54
Speaker 3: rarely express gratitude for what we've come to expect. Now
27:59
Speaker 3: here's the tricky part about being with the same person
28:01
Speaker 3: for many, many, many years. In every relationship, in every marriage,
28:04
Speaker 3: you get into a routine, which is fine. You have
28:06
Speaker 3: to have routines. In every relationship, there are roles. Not
28:10
Speaker 3: assigned roles because there's some rules that say men always
28:13
Speaker 3: and women always. Not that kind of role. But in
28:14
Speaker 3: the context of your particular relationship, there will be certain
28:18
Speaker 3: responsibilities and certain roles that will be fulfilled by each
28:21
Speaker 3: person in the relationship. That's just the way the world works.
28:23
Speaker 3: That's a good thing. But when you or when I
28:27
Speaker 3: come to expect from someone what they've always done, when
28:31
Speaker 3: it comes down to me expecting Sandra to do what
28:34
Speaker 3: Sandra's always done, the gratitude is going to be minimal.
28:39
Speaker 3: which communicates this is what I expect all along. I'm
28:43
Speaker 3: not gonna thank you when you do it, but I'm
28:45
Speaker 3: gonna ask you when you don't. I'm not gonna say, wow,
28:48
Speaker 3: I'm surprised. Thank you for doing that, even though you
28:50
Speaker 3: do it every single day or every single Thursday or
28:52
Speaker 3: every single, you know, whatever the routine is. But if
28:56
Speaker 3: I don't, if I get so accustomed to that, that
28:58
Speaker 3: I come to expect it, then I quit expressing gratitude
29:04
Speaker 3: for it. Because here's what gratitude is. And this is
29:07
Speaker 3: something you can start today. Gratitude is wow. I didn't.
29:13
Speaker 3: expect that.
29:15
Speaker 1: Okay.
29:15
Speaker 3: What do you mean you didn't expect it? I fix
29:17
Speaker 3: your lunch every morning. I know. Every morning you fix
29:21
Speaker 3: my lunch and you hand it to me and I'm
29:22
Speaker 3: surprised every morning because I do not expect you to
29:25
Speaker 3: do this every morning. I know, but I've done it
29:27
Speaker 3: every morning for the last three years. I know. But
29:30
Speaker 3: every morning I am as grateful as I was the
29:33
Speaker 3: first time because when I take that lunch, I don't
29:35
Speaker 3: expect it tomorrow. Thank you. Gratitude says I didn't expect
29:39
Speaker 3: that and I'm grateful for it. I'm telling you, this
29:43
Speaker 3: is how you supercharge and this is how you fuel
29:46
Speaker 3: healthy relationships because gratitude is an indication I've not filled
29:51
Speaker 3: up a box full of expectations. The other thing about
29:55
Speaker 3: this whole debt-debtor thing that is so insidious, and again,
29:58
Speaker 3: you don't see it happening. You just wake up one
30:00
Speaker 3: day and you ask yourself, what's wrong? How did we
30:03
Speaker 3: get here? Why isn't it the way it used to be?
30:06
Speaker 3: That a debt-debtor relationship eliminates, and this is interesting, a
30:10
Speaker 3: debt-debtor kind of relationship, it actually eliminates the possibility. It
30:14
Speaker 3: eliminates the possibility of unconditional love. Because if you owe me,
30:19
Speaker 3: you can't love me. In fact, owe me eliminates love me.
30:23
Speaker 3: If I owe you flowers, I mean, if I owe
30:25
Speaker 3: Sandra flowers, it's, well, it's Valentine's. You know, where are
30:28
Speaker 3: the flowers? Here's the flowers. All right, well, we're back
30:30
Speaker 3: to zero. I made it. Well, it's my birthday. Where's
30:33
Speaker 3: the card and the gift? I got the card and
30:35
Speaker 3: the gift. Well, thank you. Or if it's the other
30:37
Speaker 3: way around, well, it's Christmas. You know, where's my gift? Oh,
30:40
Speaker 3: we're back to zero. If I owe you, I can't
30:43
Speaker 3: love you because love requires margin. Love does not do
30:47
Speaker 3: well in an environment of expectation. In an environment of expectation,
30:53
Speaker 3: it's almost impossible to recognize love. In fact, expectations, we'll
30:58
Speaker 3: put this next screen up here, expectations actually remove the
31:00
Speaker 3: margin necessary to love for love to be recognized and appreciated.
31:05
Speaker 3: You can't even see it when it's happening. Why? Because
31:09
Speaker 3: it's what I expected. It's what I'm accustomed to. It's
31:11
Speaker 3: what I'm used to. She always does. He always does.
31:13
Speaker 3: My father always did. My mother always did. It's what
31:15
Speaker 3: women are supposed to do. It's what men are supposed
31:17
Speaker 3: to do. It's what couples are supposed to do. It's
31:19
Speaker 3: a supposed to do thing. And he's meeting the expectations.
31:22
Speaker 3: She's meeting the requirement. So why would I be overwhelmed
31:26
Speaker 3: with gratitude? And you've eliminated, this is a powerful thought,
31:30
Speaker 3: you've eliminated the potential for love to even be recognized
31:33
Speaker 3: or expressed. And this is why a box full of
31:39
Speaker 3: expectations undermines intimacy in a relationship. Because this feels like
31:46
Speaker 3: pressure every single day.
31:51
Speaker 1: Of the week.
31:54
Speaker 3: If I meet your expectations, we're back to even. But
31:58
Speaker 3: I can't ever do enough to make you feel like
32:03
Speaker 3: I love you. And in fact, it doesn't feel like
32:06
Speaker 3: I ever do enough because there's always something more you're expecting.
32:12
Speaker 3: That's no way. That's no way to live. And the
32:16
Speaker 3: good news is you don't have to live that way.
32:18
Speaker 3: And you know how I know? Because I know happy couples.
32:21
Speaker 3: And I know something happy couples know. And I'm going
32:23
Speaker 3: to tell you next week. So here's the question, okay?
32:28
Speaker 3: A couple of questions. A couple of questions, all right?
32:30
Speaker 3: Put all these back over here where they belong. Here's
32:32
Speaker 3: the question. What should we do? What should we do
32:36
Speaker 3: with our hopes, dreams, and our desires? What should we
32:39
Speaker 3: do with them? I mean, do we just pretend? I
32:42
Speaker 3: never wanted children. I don't care how we spend our time.
32:46
Speaker 3: I have no vision at all. We don't even have
32:47
Speaker 3: to live indoors. It doesn't matter to me. It's okay
32:51
Speaker 3: if we never leave the city limits. I don't care
32:53
Speaker 3: what I drive. I'll do all the work. Who needs money?
32:56
Speaker 3: Love will keep us alive. We don't need any of that.
32:58
Speaker 3: I mean, what do you do with all of this?
33:01
Speaker 3: ignore them no deny them no for some of you
33:04
Speaker 3: you've spent years filling up this box and you know
33:07
Speaker 3: what much of what is in this box is good
33:10
Speaker 3: things in fact it's probably all good things in fact
33:13
Speaker 3: some of these things stem from the fact that you
33:16
Speaker 3: bear the image of God but what do we do
33:20
Speaker 3: with this just feel guilty about it pretend hide ignore
33:23
Speaker 3: lie the short answer is you keep them in this
33:28
Speaker 3: box Which leads to the next question. How do you
33:32
Speaker 3: do that? How do I keep this stuff here and
33:35
Speaker 3: not put it over there and hand it to the
33:37
Speaker 3: person that I want to spend the rest of my
33:38
Speaker 3: life with? How do I keep these things in the box?
33:43
Speaker 3: And the short answer to that question is the correct
33:46
Speaker 3: answer to this next question. And this next question will
33:51
Speaker 3: bother you. And it'll bother you because you know the
33:55
Speaker 3: answer to this question. This is something that happy people don't. No.
34:01
Speaker 3: This is not intuitive. This may make you run for
34:04
Speaker 3: the hills. But this is a game-changing idea and I
34:08
Speaker 3: certainly didn't originate it. The best way to keep hopes, dreams,
34:13
Speaker 3: and desires in the hopes, dreams, and desires box and
34:16
Speaker 3: out of the expectation box is to ask this question.
34:21
Speaker 3: What do they owe you? What do they owe you?
34:29
Speaker 3: What do they owe you? And happy couples know that
34:34
Speaker 3: the answer to this question is nothing. Happy couples know
34:41
Speaker 3: that they owe each other everything but are not owed
34:45
Speaker 3: anything in return, which doesn't make any sense. So I'm
34:48
Speaker 3: gonna say it again. Happy couples know that they owe
34:52
Speaker 3: each other everything but they're not owed anything in return.
34:56
Speaker 3: It doesn't make any sense. But let me tell you
34:57
Speaker 3: about the happiest couples you know. there's something about them
35:00
Speaker 3: that doesn't make any sense. It's true. They go through
35:05
Speaker 3: hard times and they're happy. It doesn't make any sense.
35:07
Speaker 3: They're not like fabulous, incredible, talented, rich people and they're
35:11
Speaker 3: just happy and that doesn't make any sense. And some
35:14
Speaker 3: of them have a lot of kids and some of
35:16
Speaker 3: them weren't able to have kids and they're happy and
35:17
Speaker 3: it doesn't make any sense. There's something about extraordinarily happy
35:21
Speaker 3: couples that's always a mystery and I'm telling you what
35:24
Speaker 3: part of the mystery is. They live every day under
35:26
Speaker 3: the assumption that they owe each other everything. And they
35:30
Speaker 3: don't expect anything in return. Christians, Christians, and I think many,
35:37
Speaker 3: many happy couples leverage a very, very Christian principle, but
35:41
Speaker 3: happy Christian couples, they take their cue from Jesus' one
35:46
Speaker 3: all-encompassing command. When Jesus was at the end of his
35:49
Speaker 3: ministry years, he got his guys together and he said,
35:51
Speaker 3: now look, when we started off together, there were 630-something
35:54
Speaker 3: Jewish commands. I reduced them down to two. Now, right
35:57
Speaker 3: before I go, I'm gonna reduce them down to one.
35:59
Speaker 3: So John, write this down, because you're only gonna have
36:00
Speaker 3: to remember one thing. You ready, John? Here we go.
36:02
Speaker 3: Here's what he said. As I have loved you... You're
36:06
Speaker 3: to love one another. In the old days, it was
36:09
Speaker 3: do unto others as you would have others do unto you. Okay,
36:11
Speaker 3: those days are gone. This is better. As I have
36:13
Speaker 3: loved you, so you are to love one another. And
36:18
Speaker 3: then the apostle Paul comes along after that and he
36:20
Speaker 3: takes Jesus' overarching single new command and he applies it
36:25
Speaker 3: to all kinds of relationships and all kinds of situations.
36:28
Speaker 3: And one of the things that he applies it to,
36:30
Speaker 3: one of the relationships he applies it to is the
36:32
Speaker 3: relationship of marriage. So next week, we're gonna look at
36:34
Speaker 3: how Paul takes Jesus' overarching command and applies it to marriage.
36:38
Speaker 3: But here's another statement the apostle Paul made as he
36:41
Speaker 3: teased out this overarching, you know, one marching order command
36:45
Speaker 3: that Jesus left his followers with. Here's what he wrote.
36:48
Speaker 3: I love this. He said to all Christians everywhere, he said,
36:51
Speaker 3: walk in the way of love. to which we think
36:54
Speaker 3: of a love song, or our girlfriend, or somebody that
36:57
Speaker 3: we love, he goes, no, I'm not done yet. Walk
36:59
Speaker 3: in the way of love just as, and throughout Paul's teaching,
37:02
Speaker 3: this is so powerful, throughout Paul's teaching, you see these
37:05
Speaker 3: two words. Because Paul says, as a follower of Jesus,
37:09
Speaker 3: in every relationship, in every situation, we take our cue
37:12
Speaker 3: from our Savior. So I want you to walk in
37:15
Speaker 3: the way of love. What does that look like? Just
37:16
Speaker 3: as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us.
37:23
Speaker 3: And Christian men and Christian women and Christian couples take
37:26
Speaker 3: this idea and they drop it into the center of
37:28
Speaker 3: their relationship, into the center of this dynamic with all
37:32
Speaker 3: the potential tension. And when they do, marriage begins to
37:37
Speaker 3: look like a submission competition, a race to the back
37:45
Speaker 3: of the line, which sounds miserable, right? which is why
37:50
Speaker 3: so few try it, but those who do enjoy it.
37:56
Speaker 3: It's one of the things that happy couples know. Now,
38:01
Speaker 3: We're gonna pick it up right there next week. But
38:03
Speaker 3: I wanna give you two pieces of homework. They're both
38:06
Speaker 3: just thought homework. In fact, if you're with your fiance
38:09
Speaker 3: or your significant other, your husband or your wife, I
38:12
Speaker 3: would encourage you, I would highly encourage you not to
38:15
Speaker 3: talk about the sermon today, okay? Don't talk about the
38:19
Speaker 3: sermon today because you're like, oh, I can't wait. Let's
38:22
Speaker 3: take the long way home, long way home, you know?
38:24
Speaker 3: Let's go wait in line. Listen, don't do that, okay?
38:28
Speaker 3: My questions have nothing to do with your partner or
38:31
Speaker 3: your spouse or your significant other. This is a you question,
38:34
Speaker 3: and here are my two questions. The first one is this.
38:36
Speaker 3: What's in your box? You should know the answer to that.
38:40
Speaker 3: You should know. One of the reasons you accidentally apply
38:44
Speaker 3: pressure to the person you love is because you're not
38:46
Speaker 3: clear about what's in here and it's not clear to
38:47
Speaker 3: them and it's a fog and it's confusing and they're
38:49
Speaker 3: constantly trying to know how high to jump and how
38:51
Speaker 3: low to duck and it's just not clear. What's in
38:54
Speaker 3: your box? You should know that. You should maybe write
38:57
Speaker 3: it down. If you're single and not even in a relationship,
39:00
Speaker 3: you should start thinking about this question because eventually you're
39:03
Speaker 3: gonna bring a box to somebody. You just are. We
39:06
Speaker 3: just do. And the second question is this, and this
39:08
Speaker 3: is maybe the more important question. Are you expecting someone
39:15
Speaker 3: to carry it around for you? Have you handed this off,
39:21
Speaker 3: intentionally or unintentionally? Is somebody living with the extra weight
39:25
Speaker 3: and the extra pressure that they were not designed to
39:29
Speaker 3: live with? designed to carry, that they were not designed
39:31
Speaker 3: to live with? Have you inadvertently, just because of the
39:34
Speaker 3: nature and the speed of life and you didn't know
39:36
Speaker 3: any better, is there somebody you love who's carrying around
39:40
Speaker 3: the weight, the expectations of your hopes, dreams, and desires?
39:46
Speaker 3: What's in your box? And have you handed it off
39:50
Speaker 3: to somebody else to carry?