Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #994 Resetting Sibling Dynamics

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#994 Resetting Sibling Dynamics · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

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Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families Podcast. It's the podcast for the
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Speaker 1: time poor parent who just wants answers Now. Welcome to
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Speaker 1: the Happy Families Podcast. My name is doctor Justin Colson.
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Speaker 1: I'm the co host and parenting expert on Channel Lines
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Speaker 1: hit TV show Parental Guidance and the author of a
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Speaker 1: bunch of books about how to make your family happier.
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Speaker 1: Every Tuesday on the podcast, I answer your questions about
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Speaker 1: making your family happier, getting things working the way they
0:28
Speaker 1: need to. To submit a question, please go to happy families
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Speaker 1: dot com dot au, click on the podcast link, and
0:34
Speaker 1: then push the record button. That's all you got to do,
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Speaker 1: super simple. Here's our first question from Kirsty.
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Speaker 2: Hi, Justin and Kylie. I'm the mum of an almost
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Speaker 2: five year old boy who's in four year old kinder.
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Speaker 2: I'd really love some advice on separation anxiety with drop offs.
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Speaker 2: I've tried different approaches and nothing seems to make a difference.
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Speaker 2: He's fine about five minutes after I leave, but it's
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Speaker 2: the initial leaving that makes him really upset and crying
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Speaker 2: for mum. And Yeah, I don't know what to do.
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Speaker 3: I don't know how to stop it.
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Speaker 1: Please help, Oh one of the most heartbreaking aspects of parenting.
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Speaker 1: I absolutely hate this, being through it with all of
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Speaker 1: our kids in different ways at different times, kids want
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Speaker 1: their parents with them. That's really what's going on here.
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Speaker 1: It's biologically, psychologically, spiritually, emotionally at every level, it's normal
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Speaker 1: for kids to want their parents to be there. We
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Speaker 1: are their secure base where what makes them feel safe,
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Speaker 1: and as they move into a novel environment, even if
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Speaker 1: they've been there many, many times, there's still that natural, biological,
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Speaker 1: visceral desire to be close to mum or dad, especially
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Speaker 1: especially when they're just little, totally normal, developmentally appropriate. What
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Speaker 1: we're really asking them to do when we drop them
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Speaker 1: off at school, especially at the age of three or four,
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Speaker 1: or five or even six, we're asking them to do
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Speaker 1: something that is not part of the natural order of things,
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Speaker 1: which means, in some ways it's kind of hard to
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Speaker 1: come up with some useful answers why well, we're asking
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Speaker 1: them to go against their natural biological and psychological urges.
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Speaker 1: In spite of that, there are a handful of things
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Speaker 1: cursey that I think can be helpful and can move
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Speaker 1: us in the right direction. So let's see how we go.
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Speaker 1: Number one one of our basic psychological needs is the
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Speaker 1: need for relatedness, strong relationships, a feeling of connection, connections,
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Speaker 1: feeling seen, hurt and value, a feeling of belonging like
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Speaker 1: I matter. And when I think about this relatedness need
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Speaker 1: in relation to your context, you're always going to be
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Speaker 1: the top of the heap. Okay, the hierarchy has mum
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Speaker 1: followed by dad, usually followed by grandma. Like that's the hierarchy,
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Speaker 1: and there literally is a hierarchy. Kids have got strong
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Speaker 1: preferences in terms of who they're going to be related
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Speaker 1: to or want to connect with. But if we work
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Speaker 1: well with the school on this, we can also create
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Speaker 1: really strong relationships at school. So there might be a
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Speaker 1: strong relationship with friend. Friends are oxygen to our children
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Speaker 1: inhale their friends and say, oh yeah, this feels good,
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Speaker 1: especially as they get older. But it starts from around
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Speaker 1: about that age of five or six and builds from there.
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Speaker 1: Maybe a teacher, maybe their classroom teacher, is the person
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Speaker 1: that they can really connect with and bond with. Maybe
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Speaker 1: they've got a really compassionate, loving teacher who's there with
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Speaker 1: open arms saying I'm so glad you're here today. Let's
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Speaker 1: have some fun. It could be that there's an animal
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Speaker 1: in the classroom that the child feels like they bond with.
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Speaker 1: I know a lot of schools have therapy dogs. Some
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Speaker 1: classrooms have frogs or fish or lizards or other animals
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Speaker 1: that the kids can really be excited about. And while
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Speaker 1: that's not going to be the same level of relationship,
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Speaker 1: there's that thing that gets them there because they get
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Speaker 1: to have some kind of a connection. Second idea ties
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Speaker 1: into the second basic psychological need that I talk about
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Speaker 1: all the time, and that's the need for competence, a
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Speaker 1: need for a sense of master real like I can
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Speaker 1: get this. See, when a child's not doing well emotionally,
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Speaker 1: when they get dropped off at school, they already feel
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Speaker 1: a little bit incompetent. By helping them to feel competent
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Speaker 1: at school, they're much more likely to be motivated to
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Speaker 1: be there. So if school is a safe place, we've
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Speaker 1: got that ticked relationships sorted. And that's so important. The
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Speaker 1: second thing is is there a job that I can
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Speaker 1: do when I get to school? Is there somebody that
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Speaker 1: I can help? Is there some reading that I can do?
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Speaker 1: Is there some classroom setup or craft organization or something
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Speaker 1: that I can do that is supportive. Maybe I can
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Speaker 1: play with somebody who needs a play mate. These kinds
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Speaker 1: of things. Having a job to do, an autonomously chosen job,
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Speaker 1: a job where there's been some interaction with the teacher,
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Speaker 1: and this feels good to me to do it, and
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Speaker 1: that's why I'm going to opt in. That's the second
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Speaker 1: thing that could be a really strong way to reduce
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Speaker 1: the anxiety around departure of parents from the school drop off.
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Speaker 1: But let's go back a step or two, back into
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Speaker 1: the house for a sec. I think there's value in
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Speaker 1: just pausing and considering what your mornings feel like. If
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Speaker 1: your mourning is a tornado, that is not going to
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Speaker 1: lead to a nice, calm start for the drive and
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Speaker 1: for the drop off, that chaos, that craziness, that carnage
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Speaker 1: at home can really contribute to anything but a calm
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Speaker 1: transition into the school. So I'd been wanting to make
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Speaker 1: sure that the setting at home feels good, it feels comfortable,
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Speaker 1: it feels safe, And we've got a child who feels
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Speaker 1: good as they're getting up, but they're still on purpose,
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Speaker 1: they're on track, they're moving towards a reasonable entry into
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Speaker 1: the school day. The next thing I'd say about being
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Speaker 1: at home is if you've got a child who is struggling,
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Speaker 1: giving them the cold shoulder, giving them a short shrift,
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Speaker 1: just saying, hey, you know what, kid, I suck it up,
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Speaker 1: drink some concrete, harden up, build a bridge, get over it.
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Speaker 1: Tough enough, princess. That approach does not build resilience. It
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Speaker 1: makes kids feel more incompetent, and the connection that they
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Speaker 1: have with you now gets battered as well. It just ruptures.
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Speaker 1: So this is not a helpful approach. Instead, I would
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Speaker 1: say empathy. Now, Please note I said empathy, not apathy,
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Speaker 1: and not therapy. Empathy is what kids are going to
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Speaker 1: do best with when it comes to parents who are
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Speaker 1: saying goodbye under challenging circumstances. Empathy looks like this, I
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Speaker 1: know it's hard. I get it, it's really hard. Give
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Speaker 1: us a hug. All right, we're going to be brave.
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Speaker 1: Let's go and get in there, because this is what
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Speaker 1: we need to do. Empathy is saying what you can see,
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Speaker 1: validating the emotion, and then moving towards positive action, adaptive,
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Speaker 1: healthy action that gets a strong outcome. Now, quick pause
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Speaker 1: on this one as well. If you're dealing with a
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Speaker 1: child who is not just sort of struggling a bit
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Speaker 1: as you are, Kirsty. But then after five minutes, I say,
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Speaker 1: your child is fine. If you're dealing with a child
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Speaker 1: who is needing to be restrained, if you're dealing with
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Speaker 1: a child that you're literally dragging out the door. In
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Speaker 1: other words, a child who has emotion based school avoidance,
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Speaker 1: a child who is absolutely doing everything they can to
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Speaker 1: not be at school. These ideas are still going to
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Speaker 1: be helpful, but we're going to have to be a
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Speaker 1: bit more sensitive and probably work a lot more closely
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Speaker 1: with the school or even with a therapist. I'd love
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Speaker 1: to talk more about this idea of emotion based school avoidance,
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Speaker 1: but we just don't have enough research for me to
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Speaker 1: give you a really strong guidance on that right now.
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Speaker 1: So we're going to stay with this situation where we've
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Speaker 1: got a kid who's happy enough to be there once
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Speaker 1: they're there, but the first five minutes and the actual
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Speaker 1: separation are tough. So I've got empathy, not apathy, and
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Speaker 1: not therapy, saying what we see and then moving towards
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Speaker 1: adaptive outcomes. And the last thing that I'll say that
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Speaker 1: can really help to minimize reduce anxiety in a child
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Speaker 1: and support them as they make that transition into the
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Speaker 1: school context is for them to either a get there
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Speaker 1: with enough time to settle in. I mean, if you're
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Speaker 1: dropping them off and it's rushed and they're racing into
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Speaker 1: school and everything's happened in an absolute fluster, that's not
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Speaker 1: going to feel good. But secondly, if they can have
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Speaker 1: a chat with the teacher and get an idea of
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Speaker 1: the road map for the day. Kids are literally flying
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Speaker 1: blind and some of them want a sense of certainty.
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Speaker 1: They want some form of cognitive closure. What am I
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Speaker 1: doing today? How can I feel safe and secure? Where
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Speaker 1: are we headed? If I've got a sense of direction,
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Speaker 1: I'm going to feel so much better about being at school. Ultimately,
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Speaker 1: we're talking about nurture at home and at school. We're
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Speaker 1: also talking about flexibility at home and at school. And
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Speaker 1: I've really got to emphasize a strong relationship with a
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Speaker 1: really beautiful alliance in terms of communication between home and school. Kursey,
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Speaker 1: hope that makes a difference and helps your little guy
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Speaker 1: to settle into school with that little bit more comfortably.
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Speaker 3: Question number two, Hi Justin, Hi Kylie. My name is
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Speaker 3: Michaelaar and I a mum of three young kids, twin
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Speaker 3: boys eight years old and a little girl who is
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Speaker 3: six years old. What I'm wondering is, can you change
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Speaker 3: sibling dynamics? Our little guys have three very different personalities.
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Speaker 3: The boys are best friends, one is very ruler binding,
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Speaker 3: the other one loves to push boundaries. And my daughter
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Speaker 3: is quite independent and strong, but also quite sensitive. The
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Speaker 3: outgoing boy will DeFi to picking on her if he's
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Speaker 3: tired or hungry, which is basically all school term. He
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Speaker 3: can pick on her that's too much, honey, or she
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Speaker 3: can give him a side look and here reacts hugely,
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Speaker 3: either verbally or sometimes physically. I've tried a lot of
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Speaker 3: different avenues, but my main concern is it will affect
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Speaker 3: my daughter's overall confidence as she is continually picked on.
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Speaker 3: Hope he can help shed some light. Thank you?
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Speaker 1: Okay, Mikayla. Two boys twins age eight, a six year
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Speaker 1: old girl and can you change sibling dynamics? Well, the
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Speaker 1: short answer is yes, you can do something about sibling dynamics.
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Speaker 1: In terms of personalities, maybe not so much. Siblings are funny,
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Speaker 1: right like, if you don't want to have sibling rivalry,
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Speaker 1: there's only one solution. That's to not have siblings. Clearly
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Speaker 1: with three kids, too late for you to get away
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Speaker 1: with that one. And it's so curious as well, because
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Speaker 1: parents will always say, oh, they're so different, and yet
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Speaker 1: when we look at who we are compared to our
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Speaker 1: own siblings, we're usually so different. So it's also a
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Speaker 1: reality that there's going to be conflict and strife in
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Speaker 1: every relationship. You're just not going to stamp it out.
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Speaker 1: Kylie and I have what I would consider to be
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Speaker 1: an absolutely first class marriage. We are just crazy about
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Speaker 1: each other. We are two people who have literally chosen
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Speaker 1: one another to live with, to be together, to do
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Speaker 1: life together, and we still have conflict. And so I
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Speaker 1: think the central thing that I want to emphasize here
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Speaker 1: is you're probably not going to change the personalities. You
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Speaker 1: may be able to shift the dynamics, but that comes
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Speaker 1: through character education. It comes through a process of helping
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Speaker 1: your children to know who they are and to tap
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Speaker 1: into what they value. And this is the sort of
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Speaker 1: process that does not happen as quickly as teaching a
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Speaker 1: kid how to type up their shoelaces that takes long
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Speaker 1: enough as it is, or write their name. We're talking
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Speaker 1: about something that takes a lot longer. One of my
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Speaker 1: great regrets, one of my absolutely most painful regrets of
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Speaker 1: my upbringing, is how awfully I treat my younger siblings,
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Speaker 1: specifically my sisters. They're four years younger than me, they're twins,
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Speaker 1: and I was absolutely awful to them. There's nothing redemptive
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Speaker 1: about the way that I treated them. I picked on them,
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Speaker 1: called them names, I used to hit them like that
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Speaker 1: was just what I did, and Mum and Dad were
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Speaker 1: desperate to get me to stop. And at some level
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Speaker 1: I knew that it wasn't helpful, and yet I had
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Speaker 1: to really grow up before I sort of grew out
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Speaker 1: of it. It was just awful. There was no kindness, there
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Speaker 1: was no consideration. And what's really curious to me is
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Speaker 1: I don't know. I don't know if there are any
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Speaker 1: residual effects in terms of they've grown up to live
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Speaker 1: lives that. I don't know that the impact of my
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Speaker 1: horrible big brother behavior toward them has had any effect
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Speaker 1: on who they've become as people. I just I don't
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Speaker 1: know that. But what I do know is that we
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Speaker 1: don't have the closeness that I wish we had, and
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Speaker 1: it's a source of ongoing probably lifelong pain for me,
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Speaker 1: You're with your siblings longer than anyone else. Like your
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Speaker 1: parents die maybe twenty or thirty years before the end
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Speaker 1: of your life. You don't meet your husband or wife
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Speaker 1: or partner until your twenty or thirty years into your life.
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Speaker 1: But your siblings they come along when you're little, and
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Speaker 1: they usually live for about as long as you've got
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Speaker 1: them for life. And not that this is all about me,
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Speaker 1: I've met this into a personal therapy session. I'm so sorry,
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Speaker 1: but one of my great regrets is the residual effect
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Speaker 1: I think of my awful behavior towards my sisters specifically,
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Speaker 1: is that we don't have tremendous closeness even as adults,
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Speaker 1: even though I've apologized and try to make things right
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Speaker 1: and so on. Anyway, enough about me, let's get back
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Speaker 1: to you. Ultimately, what I think we need to do
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Speaker 1: is have a couple of conversations ongoingly with the boys.
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Speaker 1: Conversation Number one. A real man helps the people around
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Speaker 1: him feel safer and stronger. If you are engaging in
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Speaker 1: behavior towards your little sister that does not leave her
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Speaker 1: feeling safer and stronger, then that is not manly behavior.
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Speaker 1: That is not powerful behavior that is not strong, that
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Speaker 1: is weak. If you, as a boy who is three
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Speaker 1: years older than your little sister, feel a need to
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Speaker 1: belittle her and to denigrate her, to pick on her,
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Speaker 1: and to make her feel less than so that you
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Speaker 1: can feel strong and powerful, you're doing it wrong. That's
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Speaker 1: not how it's supposed to be. You're not making her
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Speaker 1: feel safer and stronger. So to me, that is probably
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Speaker 1: our first conversation, kindness, consideration safer and stronger. The second
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Speaker 1: conversation is that all relationships are tricky. Even when you
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Speaker 1: live a thousand kilometers away from your siblings, sometimes it's
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Speaker 1: still drincky, and regardless of the context of the relationship,
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Speaker 1: you're going to fall into mistakes consistently. Therefore, if there
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Speaker 1: is a rupture, we need to know how to repair,
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Speaker 1: how to repair effectively, how to repair with empathy, how
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Speaker 1: to repair with kindness, how to repair in a way
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Speaker 1: that shows that we are all human and we don't
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Speaker 1: mean to make mistakes, and when we do, we're willing
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Speaker 1: to own those mistakes, be responsible for them, and work
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Speaker 1: again towards helping those around us feel safer and stronger. Now,
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Speaker 1: to me, if you can work on those two conversations
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Speaker 1: with your boys. You're going to go a long way
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Speaker 1: to raising really really great men, men of character, men
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Speaker 1: who get it now. They're not going to get it
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Speaker 1: straight away. They're eight. You're going to have this conversation
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Speaker 1: a lot of times of these conversations, many many, many
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Speaker 1: times that they don't care about what it's going to
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Speaker 1: be like when they're older. They don't get what it's
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Speaker 1: going to be like when they're older, which means this
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Speaker 1: conversation has to kind of be on repeat. This is
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Speaker 1: exhausting for parents, But I don't know any other methodology
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Speaker 1: that's going to get you there. It's just not fully
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Speaker 1: going to go away for a long time. But this
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Speaker 1: messaging around being stronger and safe when I'm in your presence,
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Speaker 1: that's it. And conversations like well, how did you feel
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Speaker 1: when you said that to her? How did she feel
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Speaker 1: when you said that to her? How did our family feel?
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Speaker 1: We're teaching empathy here, we're teaching character, we're teaching consideration
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Speaker 1: of others. Anyway, Mikayla, I hope that's helpful. Fingers crossed.
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Speaker 1: It makes your family happier and the conversations going a
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Speaker 1: productive direction. Thanks so much for your questions. If you
14:55
Speaker 1: would like to submit a question to the Happy Families Podcast,
14:58
Speaker 1: I answer them every Tuesday. Just go happy families dot
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Speaker 1: com dot you, click on the podcast link and press
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Speaker 1: the voice memo. Let me know what's on your mind.
15:16
Speaker 1: I'm glad to help to make your family happier. Thank
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Speaker 1: you so much for listening to. The Happy Families podcast
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