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Relationship Building with a Hug · Talking FACS

• 0:01
  Welcome to talking facts,
• 0:03
  what you need to know about family,
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  food,
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  finance and fitness.
• 0:07
  This nationally recognized award winning podcast is hosted by the University of Kentucky Family and consumer sciences extension program.
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  Our educators share research knowledge with individuals,
• 0:19
  families and communities to improve quality of life.
• 0:24
  Hello and welcome to talk to fax.
• 0:26
  This is your host,
• 0:27
  Dr jennifer Hunter,
• 0:28
  assistant director for family Consumer sciences extension at the University of Kentucky Today.
• 0:34
  I'm pleased to be joined by Dr David Wise Einhorn,
• 0:37
  our senior extension specialist for parenting and child development.
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  Welcome David.
• 0:42
  Well,
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  thank you.
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  I'm glad to be back.
• 0:44
  Yeah,
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  so David,
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  today's topic is one that I think we're gonna have a fun discussion about but it's about hugging and the importance of hugging within your family hugging your kiddos and those that have listened for a long time.
• 0:57
  And I know you know this well that I've got I've got two kiddos that are seven years apart,
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  so one of them is a teenager,
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  he's 17 now.
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  As scary as that is.
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  And then a 10 year old little girl.
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  They both think about hugs very differently.
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  And so I'm excited today to hear what you have to say about hugging.
• 1:16
  Yeah,
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  well,
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  and that's that's a good when you said that,
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  that I I know the age of your Children and so I thought this would be a good thing for us to talk about.
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  But first before we get going,
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  are you a hugger jennifer,
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  you know at home.
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  Yes.
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  Like with with my kids and spouse that you know,
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  we're we're huggers at home,
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  but not necessarily.
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  So I have a good friend that she is a hugger and if she walked in right now and that you David,
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  she's gonna walk up and hug you and I am not that that type of hunger.
• 1:48
  But you know,
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  those people that are my close,
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  my close loved ones.
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  And um,
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  you know,
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  even with her,
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  even with our oldest,
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  you know,
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  because he drives himself to school and all that now and just this morning,
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  he he said,
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  I'm headed out and I said,
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  you need to make your way back here and give your mom a hug,
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  you know,
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  that,
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  that he doesn't walk,
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  especially since he's gotten his keys,
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  that he doesn't walk out the door without giving me a hug.
• 2:15
  Well,
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  that's and that's probably pretty standard.
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  Well,
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  I I think I am a hugger and I didn't realize how much of a hugger I was until Covid until we couldn't do it until there's no longer socially accepted.
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  And,
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  and I like you.
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  I mean,
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  I'm obviously respective of others,
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  but my close friends and my family,
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  I hugged them every time that I see them.
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  And so,
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  um,
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  when I was growing up in the eighties,
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  you probably remember this in the eighties and nineties,
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  there was a really catchy eighties anti drug slogan hugs,
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  not drugs.
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  And while you remember probably seeing that on t shirts and up and down school halls.
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  It's not only just a catchy catchy slogan,
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  but it was founded on research and the research says that receiving a hug has a physiological response is equal to or similar to the response elicited by illegal drugs.
• 3:09
  So there really is a lot of research that has shown that humans experience a wide range of benefits through the act of hugging.
• 3:18
  And there was one specific study that I had read just recently that said the more the hugs,
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  the more you hug,
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  the less likely you are to get stressed and less likely you are to catch the common cold.
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  So I think really that's interesting.
• 3:34
  Yeah.
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  So hey,
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  so in the winter this could be a really a really proactive way of keeping your kids healthy.
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  And I remember watching the movie trolls.
• 3:48
  Yeah,
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  I think they were onto something to they were they were a lot of huggers and I found that to be really kind of funny.
• 3:56
  But also a lot very telling because there's other scientific research that has revealed that a mother's hug on her infant is both the child and the mother increases their oxytocin levels and decreases in cortisol levels.
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  So there is again a reduction of stress.
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  The increase of health in meaning that that hugging can help your child and can help prevent postpartum depression among mothers and reducing crying in infants.
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  Even so young mothers even have a benefit of of holding and swallowing their child which seems pretty normal.
• 4:32
  It does it does,
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  But maybe not the knowledge of the fact that it reduces crying and that it can help hell the postpartum depression piece.
• 4:43
  Yeah.
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  You know,
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  David,
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  I think if you just think about it,
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  you know,
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  when I hug my kiddos,
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  you can kind of feel that stress relief on,
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  on both ends or it's just a natural reaction in our house that,
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  you know,
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  if one of them comes in and they've had a bad day or even,
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  you know,
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  when they were little,
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  when they were toddlers and they would fall and bust their knee open.
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  What's the first thing they do?
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  They run to get a hug right to be to be held and feel safe and made to feel better.
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  Well.
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  And I just remember my son,
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  my daughter told you,
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  you know,
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  they would,
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  they would come told you,
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  which really meant hold me.
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  But it was,
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  it was so sweet and you wanted to just pick them up and hold them and they loved it.
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  But as my Children,
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  I'm not sure about yours.
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  But as mine have progressed in age,
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  I don't see that as much.
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  And so I want to remind the listeners that it's important to give give a hug to your teens,
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  teens are hard to hug at times because they might not want it.
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  But although they may not show it,
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  they do want to know that you love them and hugging is a great way to express our love to our Children.
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  But we have to be careful because we've got to respect their feelings.
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  So for your son,
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  perhaps waiting until his friends are gone,
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  may save some embarrassment and allow him some more time to enjoy that hug.
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  So again,
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  I'll tip my hat and give kudos to you mom for saying,
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  hey,
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  come back here and give your mother a hug before you leave right now.
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  And you know,
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  I will say David,
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  I think it's interesting as as they age,
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  he's kind of growing out of that now a little bit.
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  You know,
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  there was some place that he was,
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  he was going backpacking um,
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  a couple of weekends ago and I went to drop him off and before before I got back in my car to leave the parking lot.
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  You know,
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  he turned to give me a hug and he wouldn't have done that two or three years ago in front of his friends.
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  But it kind of seems like now he's almost getting old enough that,
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  well,
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  it doesn't embarrass him that much,
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  you know,
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  But I think it just listening to you talk because one thing that we've had for a couple of years that,
• 6:48
  you know,
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  someplace along the line and I think it's fairly common saying out there,
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  but I read somewhere that was like never be the first to let go of your teenager and a hug because you don't know how long of a hug that they need.
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  And so,
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  you know at night when whichever one of us goes to bed first,
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  which is often me now instead of him,
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  you know,
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  give him a hug and you know,
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  I'll hold on a little extra tight and I'll be like not the first to let go.
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  And sometimes he's like,
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  I'm not even hugging back and I'm like,
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  well maybe you should hug back.
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  That was what was interesting about this.
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  I was thinking about what the researchers have said and they said that that the benefit often comes from that the one that is getting hug not the one that's giving the hug.
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  And I found that to be interesting because yeah,
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  that's my son,
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  his arms are by his side and he's like,
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  when are you gonna be done dad?
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  And so I just hung up until he tells me to stop at this point.
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  But I think it's important because even as we talk about teens and I was talking about our sons,
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  it's important to talk to fathers.
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  And so those of you that are listening,
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  I really want to encourage you to hug your daughter's hug them all the time.
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  And I know that it feels strange.
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  I have a daughter who is starting that puberty stage and not to embarrass her or anyone,
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  but at times it can feel weird.
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  I know that I've talked to other men and other fathers of how they might feel inappropriately if they're hugging their their daughter in public and how,
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  what perceptions that might lead to.
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  And so if that's you,
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  if that feels uncomfortable,
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  I just want to encourage you to fight that feeling of feeling inappropriate and to hug your daughter because it's so,
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  so important and they need it.
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  And actually,
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  during puberty,
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  Children are often unsure about their bodies and they worry about their looks.
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  So don't let them misinterpret your hesitation to hug them as a sign that you don't like how they look so again important to hug regardless of age,
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  but within the bounds of respecting whether or not they want that,
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  right?
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  And now our daughter is a lover,
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  like she is,
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  she just,
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  you know,
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  she wears all of her emotions on her sleeve and she will ask.
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  She'll say,
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  I need a hug,
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  I need a hug.
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  You know,
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  she she will ask for it.
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  But that's just her,
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  that's just her personality.
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  But David,
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  let's talk a little bit about,
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  you know,
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  because it can make kiddos feel uncomfortable,
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  especially maybe if it's not their parent or loved one or grandparents,
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  you know?
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  So,
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  again,
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  I mentioned at the beginning,
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  my dear friend,
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  that's a hugger,
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  my kids know,
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  and,
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  you know,
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  our little girl doesn't care because I just said she's a hugger too.
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  But,
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  you know,
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  at times,
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  um,
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  with our oldest,
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  he's a little like,
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  okay,
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  well,
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  and we call,
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  we call them ants,
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  right?
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  Like,
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  well,
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  she's coming over and you know,
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  like you can see himself brace himself because he loves her because she's been in his life since the day he was born.
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  But it's not someone that he hugs on on a daily basis and it and it's not anything weird or anything like that.
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  But now there are times to people that aren't close to our family may,
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  you know,
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  reach out and hug.
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  And I and I kind of see both both of them that are just like okay,
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  we're being hugged,
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  you know,
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  but they're they're they're not they don't say no or they don't and again,
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  it's not anything weird.
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  It's just maybe that person is more of a hugger than what my kiddos are.
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  How do you navigate that?
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  Is that ok?
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  As a parent to step in and say no hugs today or I've had to do that a time or two with with our nieces.
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  They,
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  because my son is the you know,
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  one of the few boys that we that we have and so they'll,
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  you know,
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  they'll chase him around,
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  let's take them one day.
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  I'm going to talk about how to say no hugs today,
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  you know,
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  because it's just too much for him.
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  Is it okay to step in and do that if you see him kind of get that uncomfortable feel.
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  I think that's wonderful.
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  Absolutely,
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  yes,
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  because hugging can't it's a it's it's real close proximity has the intimacy of being close to one another and as your Children get older.
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  The other thing I would mention on that,
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  so.
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  Yes,
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  absolutely,
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  if you see your Children are uncomfortable and they may not have the words or feel like they're old enough to say no,
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  not not to thanks step in and on their behalf.
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  The other thing is as a parent,
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  we should never force or or tell our Children to hug other adults,
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  uh aunts,
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  uncles,
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  grandparents and stuff,
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  it needs to be something that is very comfortable for them,
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  something that they want to initiate.
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  So yes,
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  I I tell my kids both when they see my parents,
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  like if you if you would like to hug them you can if you don't I respect that because I think it is a personal choice and a lot of times that can help keep inappropriate behaviors at day two because sometimes like if it's a stranger and they're hugging small Children,
• 11:32
  it may feel inappropriate to them and we may not know the full intent.
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  So being protective of our Children is always something to I think if we're gonna air on one side we should err on caution for our Children for sure.
• 11:46
  Yeah,
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  so now this is one that we have not navigated yet at home with our with our little girl because again she's a hugger,
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  so sometimes she's going in first,
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  but I've noticed that our son has gotten older,
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  especially with men in our family,
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  not,
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  you know,
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  within our household,
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  but within our family,
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  so an uncle or even a grandparent or or whatever,
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  that,
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  you know,
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  they'll shake hands and I think that's very natural for men to shake hands and you know,
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  especially,
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  I mean he's he's certainly an upper teen at this point.
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  But how does that progress with with girls?
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  You know,
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  as they kind of get into those teenage years of kind of the you know,
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  maybe they're adult figures in their life that are not as close to them.
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  There seems to be this natural action for men to grow into,
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  right,
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  is there how does that work with girls?
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  Is there more expectation on them or and maybe I'm not making myself clear with?
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  I think I'm following you.
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  I think,
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  I think naturally you're right.
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  I think women aren't closer,
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  they are more huggy and touchy feely as they go socially.
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  It seems to be more acceptable for that.
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  And I think that's where you're headed with the men as they get the we call a man hug.
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  My son is already calling it,
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  he's he's like dad,
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  how about a man hug?
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  And what he means is just the gripping of the hand and the one arm slap on the back?
• 13:04
  Um Whereas my daughter,
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  one of the things that I'm having to do with her is just to caution her on hug who she hugs and it's not because because I think my our Children,
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  our daughters are very similar in the sense that my daughter is a love.
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  She tells people all the time.
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  She loves them.
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  And I think we're getting into that point of social etiquette and saying,
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  hey,
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  ive it's not appropriate for you to tell everybody that while you might feel that we want to reserve that for special groups.
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  And I think sometimes to encouraging them to reserve hugging for close friends,
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  for family,
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  for people that they know and trust in an effort to keep them at a point to keep them safe.
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  And so as they go and as they mature,
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  maybe they're able to make more of those decisions on their own and and begin to to make those boundaries themselves.
• 13:54
  Dr Watson horn,
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  thank you so much for joining us today and just kind of having a conversation not only about the benefits of hugging,
• 14:00
  but also kind of to help our Children navigate.
• 14:04
  Kind of,
• 14:04
  the social aspects associated with hugging as they age.
• 14:09
  Thank you so much for having me.
• 14:10
  It's always a pleasure.
• 14:13
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• 14:58
  mm hmm.