Latest / The Parenting Podcast / Unmasking the Hidden Faces of Parental Burnout | Ep. 105

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Unmasking the Hidden Faces of Parental Burnout | Ep. 105 · The Parenting Podcast

• 0:05
  Hello and happy New Year to all of our incredible listeners.
• 0:11
  I'm Cheryl Lang, your host, and I'm thrilled to welcome you to the Parenting podcast 2024 Today holds a special place.
• 0:22
  Not just as the onset of a new calendar year for TPP, but also the kickoff to a series that speaks to a crucial part of our shared experience.
• 0:34
  Parental burnout.
• 0:36
  In the next 25 minutes, we're going to dive into this common yet often hidden struggle.
• 0:43
  Together, we'll delve into the challenges that weigh on parents physically, mentally, and emotionally.
• 0:52
  Casting shadows that can leave you feeling isolated or defeated.
• 0:59
  Parental exhaustion, much like a chameleon, takes on various disguises.
• 1:06
  From relentless fatigue to seemingly positive behaviors.
• 1:12
  Like finding the need to continually tidy up everything around you.
• 1:18
  Our aim is not only to shed light on the signs of burnout, but also to offer practical coping strategies.
• 1:26
  So, whether you find yourself on the bustling commute, or relishing a quiet moment at home, I invite you to join us on this journey of shared understanding.
• 1:37
  support and the reassuring truth that you're not navigating this path alone.
• 1:52
  Cheryl: Happy New Year.
• 1:53
  Christie: Yes, here we are.
• 1:54
  Christie: Here we
• 1:55
  Cheryl: are.
• 1:56
  Cheryl: Isn't this exciting?
• 1:58
  Ellen: Well, we survived
• 1:59
  Christie: 2023.
• 2:01
  Cheryl: You know, listeners, hope you had a good holiday season.
• 2:05
  Cheryl: And here we are jumping off into 2024.
• 2:10
  Cheryl: Can you believe it?
• 2:11
  Christie: No, I just know.
• 2:12
  Christie: I mean, at one point, this, that would have sounded like the future, you know, in the future.
• 2:17
  Christie: Hey,
• 2:17
  Ellen: and there's this song, Cheryl will probably know it, but, In the year 2025 the man is still alive.
• 2:24
  Ellen: We're almost there.
• 2:25
  Ellen: guys, if you don't know this song, go look it up.
• 2:26
  Ellen: I forget, I think it's in the year.
• 2:28
  Ellen: 70.
• 2:29
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 2:30
  Ellen: Kind of an apocalyptic, but funny is catchy.
• 2:34
  Ellen: But you know, it's like, Oh, we're almost going to be there.
• 2:37
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 2:38
  Cheryl: Well, you know, it's just interesting.
• 2:40
  Cheryl: Personally, I like even numbers.
• 2:43
  Cheryl: So I'm really excited 2024.
• 2:45
  Cheryl: Nice even numbers.
• 2:47
  Cheryl: But I remember, okay, in our family in 2019.
• 2:53
  Cheryl: We just had so many different things.
• 2:57
  Cheryl: So all total, our family, Bill and I, and family, uh, we'd only had like three surgeries in our whole family life.
• 3:06
  Cheryl: Wow.
• 3:06
  Cheryl: And then in 2019, Um, we had I think five surgeries, oh my goodness, three or four emergency trips some.
• 3:16
  Cheryl: an ambulance, it was just this terribly hard year physically for our family, appendicitis, and my son ruptured his Achilles tendon and They had strabismus surgery, and they had this and this, and we just went, oh, so Christmas 2019.
• 3:32
  Cheryl: We didn't know what was coming, and so when we were talking about it, oh, good, we're so excited, finally getting rid of 2019, it was such a hard year, and then my son said, Oh, but we don't know what 2020 shall bring.
• 3:47
  Cheryl: Oh my goodness.
• 3:48
  Cheryl: And we all just laughed.
• 3:50
  Christie: It's like the eerie ending to a movie.
• 3:53
  Christie: Yes,
• 3:54
  Cheryl: exactly.
• 3:55
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 3:55
  Cheryl: That's what it was like.
• 3:56
  Cheryl: It was.
• 3:57
  Cheryl: Heavy dose of foreshadowing.
• 3:58
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 4:00
  Cheryl: And so here we are.
• 4:02
  Cheryl: Um, looking forward to a whole new year.
• 4:04
  Cheryl: do you do New Year's resolutions
• 4:07
  Ellen: no, I just keep the same list
• 4:10
  Christie: It rolls over.
• 4:12
  Ellen: And hope
• 4:12
  Christie: I make some kind of like mental note of what I'd like to see happen, but I'm more like a quarterly girl, you know, like, yeah.
• 4:21
  Christie: I'm like, well, we'll, we'll see how this pans out.
• 4:23
  Christie: And I used to do like word of the year, but then I'd forget the word.
• 4:27
  Christie: So I'm like month by month, quarter by quarter.
• 4:30
  Christie: we'll get some things done.
• 4:31
  Christie: I don't know what that'll be, but we'll get some, yeah, no, we have a big year.
• 4:34
  Christie: Our last child graduates this year and I'll turn 45, which I don't know if that would normally feel significant, but graduating your last kid and turning 45.
• 4:45
  Christie: You know, like a big thing.
• 4:46
  Christie: And so, yeah, I'm looking forward to some things this year.
• 4:49
  Christie: It feels like a new season starting for
• 4:52
  Cheryl: sure.
• 4:53
  Cheryl: And here we are with TPP.
• 4:55
  Cheryl: This is our third year.
• 4:57
  Cheryl: Oh,
• 4:57
  Christie: my goodness.
• 4:57
  Christie: Yeah.
• 4:58
  Christie: Wow.
• 4:58
  Christie: Sounds wild to hear it
• 4:59
  Ellen: that way.
• 4:59
  Ellen: Yeah, it doesn't seem like it's been that long.
• 5:01
  Cheryl: But, you know, when we're talking positive things, but you all know there are some.
• 5:07
  Cheryl: Heavy things in families and lives, um, carrying over just because the calendar flipped, right?
• 5:14
  Cheryl: It didn't change everything.
• 5:16
  Cheryl: I mean, I don't know if you were like in the Y2K
• 5:20
  Christie: Yeah, that whole, I filled the bathtub and kept the baby jar of food As
• 5:25
  Cheryl: if turning the year was gonna be this big Yes Difference.
• 5:29
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 5:29
  Cheryl: But for a lot of people, there are, there are struggles that just have carried over.
• 5:34
  Cheryl: Right.
• 5:35
  Ellen: yeah.
• 5:35
  Ellen: I know we're just finishing up the holiday season and, you know, that's always hard for our family because we, we lost our son quite a few years ago, but that's always the empty chair and, um, you know, those are just, those are just, Those things never change.
• 5:52
  Ellen: You get more used to them, maybe, but, you know, and I think if you've had a big life tragedy, you always know another one could be around the corner.
• 6:02
  Ellen: And I don't mean it in a fearful negative way, but you've, you know, experienced something really hard and horrible.
• 6:09
  Ellen: So that always is going to taint your life to a certain degree.
• 6:12
  Ellen: And so going into new year, I'm always excited to do that.
• 6:15
  Ellen: But, you know, I don't know.
• 6:18
  Ellen: It, it, uh, it, there's lots of good things to happen, but since I can't predict the future, a lot of times I'm just really happy to sit with my struggles now and try to work through those rather than go
• 6:29
  Cheryl: too far ahead.
• 6:30
  Cheryl: But as we talked about on our series about holidays, We all want the, it's a wonderful life.
• 6:37
  Cheryl: uh, it isn't all fun and exciting and Santa Claus.
• 6:42
  Cheryl: and we want
• 6:43
  Cheryl (2): to also address what's hard.
• 6:44
  Cheryl: Yeah
• 6:45
  Cheryl (2): And so, you know, I thought not to, uh, come in dark or anything, but one of the realities that I had in my own life And that parents struggle with is just burnout and stress, you know, and so not to say, Okay, here are the five things we want you to do to have a perfect year.
• 7:05
  Cheryl: But what about if we take some time and walk through the reality of burnout, that a lot of parents experience, and then And like, uh, maybe could do it, let's say, let's, in three different stages, maybe let's talk about it, even what the symptoms might be, what it might look like, and then talk about what the origins or what makes it happen.
• 7:32
  Cheryl: Because I will tell you, I didn't recognize it in myself.
• 7:36
  Cheryl: I just thought, I just thought I'm tired, I'm failing.
• 7:40
  Cheryl: And I didn't recognize real parental burnout.
• 7:44
  Cheryl: And then we get to the good part, which is what I really want to talk about, is ideas and suggestions to help our listeners.
• 7:52
  Cheryl: So that they can, Manage it and cope.
• 7:55
  Cheryl: Manage and relief.
• 7:57
  Cheryl: Maybe to bring more joy back to what they're doing.
• 8:00
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 8:00
  Cheryl: You want to
• 8:00
  Christie: do that?
• 8:01
  Christie: Yeah.
• 8:01
  Christie: No, that's great.
• 8:02
  Christie: you know, I'm, I'm glad we're talking about this.
• 8:04
  Christie: Like I said, being at the tail end and apparent of the tail end of my school years with my kids, but not necessarily parenting.
• 8:12
  Christie: Right.
• 8:13
  Christie: Changing seasons and how I parent you know, as we move into just having young adults.
• 8:18
  Christie: It's different But you know, my daughter and I both have senioritis We're both kind of dragging ourselves to the finish line in a lot of ways and burnout can be part of that You know
• 8:28
  Cheryl: and see the guilt that can be yeah, you know, that's one of the things I think that why maybe parents don't talk about it, in a helpful way, they might complain.
• 8:40
  Cheryl: But to get help, because then you feel the guilt and the shame.
• 8:45
  Cheryl: I love my children.
• 8:47
  Ellen: But what am I lacking?
• 8:49
  Ellen: That I can't cope with everything.
• 8:51
  Christie: Or that I'm miserable.
• 8:52
  Christie: Wanting to be happy for them, and excited for them, and and enjoy each season and the moment.
• 8:59
  Christie: Sometimes your feelings just don't match up with what you want them to feel or feel like you should feel.
• 9:04
  Christie: And sometimes if you
• 9:06
  Ellen: go to, I remember this when I was younger, when I would go to my older friends, maybe somebody that was mentoring me, and they might have been the age I am now, well, to them, they're past the burnout hard phase, and they're just remembering all the sweet memories.
• 9:22
  Ellen: So, their advice was sometimes good, but it didn't reflect the moment that I was
• 9:28
  Christie: in.
• 9:29
  Christie: Right.
• 9:30
  Christie: Well, and sometimes I've been in relationships where it's the opposite, where that person might have been more negative, like, oh, we'll just wait until they get to be this age, or just wait until this happens, and that's not always helpful either, and I've been guilty of that.
• 9:44
  Christie: Both of those extremes, giving younger moms the wrong advice.
• 9:48
  Christie: It's not helpful because we do have different perspective when we look backwards.
• 9:54
  Christie: You know, it's hard.
• 9:54
  Christie: Yes.
• 9:55
  Cheryl: Just hard.
• 9:56
  Cheryl: And parenting is a permanent job.
• 9:58
  Cheryl: Right.
• 9:59
  Cheryl: So if you're unhappy in your employed job, you can change companies.
• 10:05
  Cheryl: You can move across the country.
• 10:07
  Cheryl: If you Want a pet?
• 10:09
  Cheryl: You can get a new pet or you don't like your house?
• 10:11
  Cheryl: Move.
• 10:12
  Cheryl: I mean, well, I have
• 10:12
  Ellen: mentally quit parenting many, many times.
• 10:16
  Ellen: Maybe even
• 10:16
  Christie: the kids knew that I had quit.
• 10:18
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 10:19
  Cheryl: And so this is why we want to talk about it, Not so we can focus on negative, but so we can talk about the reality and be a safe place to talk about it and then walk through it, hopefully to bring some healing and some encouragement, right?
• 10:34
  Cheryl: You know, because, um, our slogan, for the Parenting Podcast is that we want to help you flourish and bring your heart hope.
• 10:43
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 10:43
  Cheryl: And so that's really our focus on this.
• 10:45
  Christie: Yes, right.
• 10:46
  Christie: Is the bringing of hope.
• 10:47
  Christie: Well, and I think in the midst of burnout, that's what you're lacking.
• 10:50
  Christie: Yes.
• 10:51
  Christie: Is hope.
• 10:52
  Christie: You know, parenting is just always hard and stressful no matter what.
• 10:55
  Christie: Yeah.
• 10:55
  Christie: But in these seasons of true burnout, I know for me, I have felt like.
• 11:02
  Christie: There's no way out of this feeling.
• 11:05
  Christie: There's no end in sight.
• 11:07
  Christie: There's no Ship coming in to rescue me, you know and
• 11:11
  Ellen: trying to be positive just adds another weight, right?
• 11:15
  Ellen: I don't have any hope right now.
• 11:16
  Ellen: I can't feel positive
• 11:17
  Christie: Yes, and the guilt that you don't feel positive and
• 11:20
  Cheryl: okay.
• 11:21
  Cheryl: This is the beginning of the symptoms of what to recognize.
• 11:25
  Cheryl: And again, it has to be a balance because, we want to say sort of what's characterizing the season you're in, or is it different from what you previously had?
• 11:35
  Cheryl: Right.
• 11:36
  Cheryl: So this is one of them, this despair, the kind of the hopelessness.
• 11:41
  Cheryl: What are some other symptoms that y'all can see that We might classify as parental burnout.
• 11:50
  Christie: I can tell when I'm in burnout because I go into autopilot.
• 11:54
  Christie: Uh huh.
• 11:54
  Christie: Like, what
• 11:55
  Cheryl: do you mean by that?
• 11:56
  Christie: Well, like, I kind of have these robotic responses to my kids when I'm listening to their story.
• 12:02
  Christie: Yeah.
• 12:02
  Christie: Or, you know, when there's a fight to break up, I just do the easy thing of just separating them.
• 12:08
  Christie: Or separating myself and just ignoring the issue.
• 12:12
  Christie: Um, whatever.
• 12:14
  Christie: Escapism tactic is accessible in the moment instead of dealing with the issue and engaging with my kids, you know, I do a lot of, uh huh, wow, cool, instead of, well, tell me more about how you felt about that.
• 12:29
  Christie: Did she make you frustrated or, you know, asking those intriguing, intrigued questions.
• 12:34
  Cheryl: And you're not talking about on just an isolated instance.
• 12:38
  Christie: Right.
• 12:38
  Christie: It's repetitive, day after
• 12:39
  Cheryl: day.
• 12:40
  Cheryl: Another thing that I think as I look back on it.
• 12:44
  Cheryl: is just exhaustion.
• 12:45
  Cheryl: Right.
• 12:46
  Cheryl: That you wake up tired, and I hear from a lot of moms.
• 12:50
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 12:51
  Cheryl: I'm tired when I wake up.
• 12:52
  Cheryl: I'm tired in the afternoon.
• 12:53
  Cheryl: I'm tired when I go to bed.
• 12:55
  Cheryl: And I think there are two different styles of this permeating fatigue.
• 13:01
  Cheryl: When your children are little, you're just physically so exhausted.
• 13:05
  Cheryl: And then as they get older, you don't have to stay up all night or nurse them during the night.
• 13:11
  Cheryl: But you're emotionally exhausted, right?
• 13:13
  Ellen: Which is actually, I think the harder thing is the emotional exhaustion now, because with physical exhaustion, you kind of go, Oh, I'm just so tired.
• 13:21
  Ellen: I just need to go bed earlier tonight.
• 13:23
  Ellen: But with emotional exhaustion, sometimes you don't even realize that's, that's what you're feeling right in the middle of it.
• 13:30
  Christie: Yeah.
• 13:30
  Christie: And it's, it's hard because it's compounded with the rest of life too.
• 13:35
  Christie: Yes.
• 13:35
  Christie: Parenting isn't just, you don't get to pause all of life.
• 13:39
  Christie: Yes.
• 13:39
  Christie: You might have, you know, other factors involved, a hard marriage season, or, or single parenting, or work concerns, or, um, the world is on fire, which seems to happen a lot lately.
• 13:53
  Christie: You know, other things.
• 13:53
  Christie: Your own
• 13:54
  Ellen: self made standards of, yeah, I have to perform all these things
• 13:59
  Cheryl: to be a good parent.
• 14:00
  Christie: and so with all those external issues going on, it's sometimes hard to find the real source of the stress.
• 14:09
  Christie: And so it might not be that.
• 14:10
  Christie: It's easy to identify that it's parental burnout necessarily.
• 14:15
  Christie: That's right.
• 14:15
  Christie: Right.
• 14:16
  Ellen: Because we sometimes think our circumstances are what is making us stress, but it might just be we're really burnt out and this little thing over here just, just sending us down the cliff.
• 14:28
  Ellen: Right.
• 14:29
  Christie: And, you know, I think too, Well, in that vein, for example, I really struggled when my kids were young with anger and screaming in general.
• 14:40
  Christie: But, in seasons of burnout, that would be heightened.
• 14:43
  Christie: Like, I would have a shorter fuse, and so it felt very hard to sort through sometimes because I was like, Ugh, I'm still struggling with this as much as I try and fight it.
• 14:55
  Christie: But all these other things were exasperating my already Short temper.
• 15:00
  Christie: And so it just gets real messy.
• 15:01
  Cheryl: Yeah, it sure does.
• 15:02
  Cheryl: And I'm remembering it because I really was burned out.
• 15:07
  Cheryl: I mean, all five kids at home and then I hear a widowed, single mom now and I'm responsible for everything.
• 15:15
  Cheryl: And I Didn't back off because I felt what am I gonna quit?
• 15:21
  Cheryl: Right, you know, I can't put one of them in cold storage Right.
• 15:25
  Cheryl: So I had little ones all the way up to upper teens And I think know because I had it again in menopause and They describe it as brain fog.
• 15:34
  Cheryl: Yeah, I can remember just Not being able to think clear.
• 15:39
  Cheryl: Yeah, you know and just struggling because mom do this, do this.
• 15:46
  Cheryl: I have to do this.
• 15:46
  Cheryl: Well, wait, wait, wait, wait.
• 15:48
  Cheryl: I need to go to the store, but I can't remember what I was going to do And I can't remember where the store
• 15:53
  Ellen: even is.
• 15:55
  Cheryl: But really fog is a really good way.
• 15:58
  Cheryl: Because if you think like the old movies, you're talking about black and white movies, but the old black and white movies where they're moving and there's a fog in London.
• 16:07
  Cheryl: But just how you can't see your way clearly.
• 16:10
  Cheryl: Right.
• 16:11
  Ellen: It leads to fear because you can't see what's, because I remember as a kid in Southern California, we did get fog really bad and we had to walk to school.
• 16:19
  Ellen: Well, you couldn't see the cars on the street.
• 16:22
  Ellen: Wow.
• 16:23
  Ellen: And you couldn't see your friend half a block away.
• 16:26
  Ellen: The fog would be so thick and it was always really creepy.
• 16:30
  Ellen: Wow.
• 16:30
  Ellen: You know, the minute you realized it was foggy, you're like, Oh, I got to walk to school
• 16:34
  Christie: in the fog.
• 16:34
  Christie: Which is what kind of feeds into the hopelessness.
• 16:37
  Christie: You don't see bedtime because you're just thinking about, you know, why did I come into this closet?
• 16:42
  Christie: What was I coming to get?
• 16:43
  Christie: And the baby's crying.
• 16:44
  Christie: And yeah, it's just a lot to sort out.
• 16:46
  Christie: And now dinner's burning because I forgot I was doing that.
• 16:49
  Christie: Well, and when you try to talk about it with, with people.
• 16:52
  Christie: It's also, is it subjective, I guess, you know, I remember I would say to a friend, you know, this very thing.
• 17:00
  Christie: Gosh, I can't think straight.
• 17:02
  Christie: I'm just overwhelmed.
• 17:03
  Christie: And they'd say, Oh, yeah, me too.
• 17:05
  Christie: Well, one, all your peers are going through the same thing at the same time.
• 17:08
  Christie: Yeah.
• 17:09
  Christie: So it's hard for everyone.
• 17:10
  Christie: Yeah.
• 17:11
  Christie: But two, there's different degrees.
• 17:13
  Christie: And so it's hard to articulate.
• 17:15
  Christie: No, I'm in the deep dark of Yeah.
• 17:18
  Christie: Parent burnout versus it's just hard to be a mom, you know, and so that friend might not recognize It's hard to communicate the extent of what you're going through and you might not even
• 17:29
  Ellen: understand Yeah that you're really in a burnout phase.
• 17:33
  Ellen: You're just having feelings But it's all piling
• 17:36
  Cheryl: up.
• 17:36
  Cheryl: Right.
• 17:36
  Cheryl: And now, and that's what I was gonna say, that's part of the fog is I couldn't think clearly enough Right.
• 17:43
  Cheryl: To see my situation clearly.
• 17:44
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 17:45
  Cheryl: I mean, and to be objective about it.
• 17:47
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 17:47
  Cheryl: I couldn't because this is the life I'm supposed to be living and I couldn't think clearly enough.
• 17:53
  Cheryl: Mm-Hmm.
• 17:53
  Cheryl: to see what was going on and go, Hmm.
• 17:57
  Cheryl: Maybe I oughta talk to somebody else about it.
• 17:59
  Cheryl: Yeah, right.
• 17:59
  Cheryl: You know, and uh, and that's where.
• 18:02
  Cheryl: The whole thing of fear and shame, right,
• 18:06
  Ellen: because you're a bad mom, you're not able to cope with some of this stuff, because the mom you might be talking to, she's not in that phase right now.
• 18:13
  Ellen: And she's like, Oh, well, you'll be fine.
• 18:15
  Ellen: It's not that hard, you know, and you feel like, Oh, am I the only one over here who's feeling all
• 18:20
  Cheryl: this, right?
• 18:21
  Cheryl: And then the problem is, what we want to say is an individual feeling of each of the things we're talking about is an individual.
• 18:30
  Cheryl: We're just talking about.
• 18:32
  Cheryl: typical symptoms that might help someone to know that they're struggling with burnout more than something else.
• 18:38
  Cheryl: Because, for me, it kind of snowballed.
• 18:42
  Cheryl: So I'm not thinking clearly.
• 18:45
  Cheryl: I'm feeling these negative things.
• 18:48
  Cheryl: Uh, you talk about kind of distancing yourself from your children, and then you think, huh, I love them, but they're the source of my, just, it's a messy thing.
• 18:59
  Cheryl: And then I kind of started not taking care of my own needs because I'm limited in what I'm doing.
• 19:05
  Cheryl: And that's part of the danger of burnout is you just get sort of limited in what your resource is.
• 19:12
  Cheryl: Or you try
• 19:12
  to
• 19:13
  Ellen: fix it and you make it worse because you might try to do more.
• 19:16
  Christie: Right.
• 19:17
  Christie: That's more stress.
• 19:18
  Cheryl: And then I'm not taking care of myself.
• 19:20
  Cheryl: Correct.
• 19:20
  Cheryl: And I'm not getting sleep, and I'm not doing any of those things.
• 19:22
  Cheryl: It just continues to snowball, and not to the point where, um, It's dangerous, it's just messy and unhealthy.
• 19:32
  Cheryl: Right.
• 19:34
  Cheryl: Well, you know,
• 19:35
  Ellen: sometimes We, you know, we're not sure that we're burning out or, or not, but I found in my own life, usually one of the main signs was I was being excessive in something.
• 19:48
  Ellen: Okay.
• 19:48
  Ellen: So now what do you mean by that?
• 19:49
  Ellen: Well, it could be excessive overeating, um, excessive cleaning, excessive control over what I thought I could control.
• 19:58
  Ellen: Which goes back to
• 19:59
  Cheryl: the anger.
• 20:00
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 20:00
  Ellen: Right.
• 20:00
  Ellen: Because you're always failing.
• 20:02
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 20:02
  Ellen: And feeling like, I have to do this right, and this is the only right way, even if other people are going, chill out, you're expecting too much.
• 20:11
  Cheryl: You know, and excessive, and it can be, some people react, not overeating, but you quit really eating.
• 20:19
  Cheryl: Right.
• 20:20
  Cheryl: You're doing that, or.
• 20:21
  Cheryl: Maybe turning to, um, other coping mechanisms, whether it's alcohol or maybe something stronger.
• 20:31
  Cheryl: Finding out, seeing the pattern that it's more excessive.
• 20:35
  Cheryl: Something
• 20:35
  Ellen: that you feel like is giving you relief.
• 20:37
  Ellen: Right.
• 20:38
  Ellen: And it's always temporary.
• 20:40
  Ellen: So as soon as that relief is done, you may have ate the whole pack of cookies, but as soon as the relief is done.
• 20:45
  Ellen: done in the wash of guilt and shame and your kid in the background going, mom, I need you.
• 20:52
  Ellen: Right.
• 20:52
  Ellen: And
• 20:52
  Christie: some of those things, you know, you go to these extremes of not eating, eating too much, you know, not cleaning, cleaning too much.
• 21:01
  Christie: And it is just for relief.
• 21:03
  Christie: Um, some of them are effective, you know, I, I know for me, one of the things I would do is I'd be like, we just need to get out of the house, we just need to go do things.
• 21:11
  Christie: So I would overbook our schedule, we'd be, we'd be at Target, we'd be at the mall, we'd be doing all the things, well that was actually making it worse.
• 21:20
  Christie: And so some, some of these self medicating tactics.
• 21:24
  Christie: Do you give a little bit of help and then some don't give any help?
• 21:27
  Christie: You
• 21:27
  Ellen: have to face reality when it's over.
• 21:28
  Ellen: You start to come back to the messy house or the tasks you haven't finished that need to
• 21:32
  Cheryl: get done.
• 21:33
  Cheryl: Or you've been overeating so now you look at yourself in the mirror.
• 21:36
  Cheryl: Right.
• 21:37
  Cheryl: And I just see what we're describing here as non professionals, just a cycle.
• 21:42
  Cheryl: Uh huh.
• 21:43
  Cheryl: And that we keep cycling around, because maybe, okay, let's go to Target, and then you buy
• 21:49
  Christie: things that you don't need, and then the financial stress, and
• 21:54
  Cheryl: more junk food, and it just cycles around, and then the guilt hits.
• 21:58
  Cheryl: And then, oh, I'm not being the kind of parent, I'm not going to, and it just, this is the cycle that we want to help, um,
• 22:06
  Christie: break.
• 22:07
  Christie: Well, and, it starts with being aware, you know, being self aware of, of where you, You struggle or where you tend to drift in yourself, which is a
• 22:18
  Ellen: form of self examination
• 22:20
  Cheryl: to talk to us a little bit more about
• 22:22
  Ellen: that.
• 22:22
  Ellen: Well, I learned that quite a few years ago and that really helped me didn't make me do everything right.
• 22:27
  Ellen: But it helped me because I would say, why am I responding to this situation either by overeating or over trying to over control?
• 22:37
  Ellen: So then I'd have to kind of back up and go, why am I using foods for most of us, foods of things, whether we eat, overeat or under eat, um, because it's easy, you know, why am I overeating in this situation?
• 22:49
  Ellen: Why am I going for, you know, a box of Twinkies rather than dealing with the situation?
• 22:55
  Ellen: And I realized, well, Part of my self examination was, that's how I was rewarded as a kid.
• 23:01
  Ellen: You got food if you did good.
• 23:03
  Ellen: And, you know, you couldn't have a cookie if you didn't do this.
• 23:07
  Ellen: So, it sounds It's trivial, but it carries into adulthood all that baggage.
• 23:13
  Ellen: And so self examination is a really important part to give to yourself, to step back and go, why am I doing this behavior?
• 23:22
  Ellen: Sometimes your spouse can help you and maybe they see it if you want to invite them into it.
• 23:27
  Ellen: Maybe a friend sees it in your life and say, I keep doing these habits.
• 23:31
  Ellen: I don't know why, but really we have to ask our questions.
• 23:34
  Ellen: The question, why am I doing this?
• 23:37
  Ellen: What, what is this reactionary behavior have to do with my situation?
• 23:43
  Christie: That is really good.
• 23:44
  Christie: I know.
• 23:44
  Christie: And for me, I can see that my Reactions have changed in different seasons.
• 23:52
  Christie: Like I said, when my kids were young, I thought, if we get out of the house, it will help.
• 23:56
  Christie: I learned that was not the help that I needed.
• 23:58
  Christie: And now, I tend to, uh, isolate and retreat.
• 24:02
  Christie: You know, I don't return text messages.
• 24:04
  Christie: I, if I'm struggling, I don't initiate in my friendships.
• 24:07
  Christie: And I have one friend that's like, Hey, you okay over there?
• 24:11
  Christie: Because she knows that's my tendency.
• 24:13
  Christie: Yeah.
• 24:13
  Christie: Happens to be her tendency too.
• 24:15
  Christie: So, you know, having people in your life, like you said, that you can be self aware, but maybe you don't have the self awareness in the moment to throw out the red flag or whatever.
• 24:27
  Christie: And, and so someone else knowing.
• 24:30
  Christie: Being aware of your tendencies too can be helpful.
• 24:33
  Christie: And I think that
• 24:33
  Ellen: would be an encouragement that I would say to all our listeners, listen to your friends.
• 24:38
  Ellen: Don't just ask them superficial questions.
• 24:40
  Ellen: If they're coming to you and going, Oh, I'm, you know, really struggling with finishing my day.
• 24:45
  Ellen: Well, you could leave it at that.
• 24:47
  Ellen: Or you could give them some helpful suggestions, or you could go, Oh, why, why do you think that is?
• 24:52
  Christie: Right.
• 24:53
  Christie: You know, Well, that can be scary to take the first step in a friendship to kind of invite yourself in.
• 24:59
  Cheryl: This, this is great.
• 25:00
  Cheryl: And listeners, we want to end here saying, hope.
• 25:05
  Cheryl: yeah, and help.
• 25:06
  Cheryl: And that's what we want to do, but we're out of time.
• 25:09
  Cheryl: So we want to come back and let's talk some more about this.
• 25:13
  Cheryl: So if you're listening and you kind of identified with some of this, why don't you do some reflection start verbalizing some of this.
• 25:21
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 25:21
  Cheryl: This is a complex and multifaceted thing, and we're definitely not professionals, but we've just lived through, right, that's it.
• 25:29
  Cheryl: We're
• 25:30
  Christie: speaking out of our minds.
• 25:31
  Christie: Experienced, but not experts.
• 25:32
  Christie: Yes,
• 25:33
  Cheryl: that's exactly right.
• 25:33
  Cheryl: That's perfect, yeah.
• 25:34
  Cheryl: Very good.
• 25:35
  Cheryl: So then next time, how about if we look at maybe some factors and then some things we'd offer for help.
• 25:41
  Cheryl: You want to do that?
• 25:42
  Cheryl: That sounds good.
• 25:43
  Cheryl: Okay, good.
• 25:44
  Cheryl: So, Happy New Year to all of you.
• 25:47
  Cheryl: Hang in there, keep loving, keep persevering because it's really worth it.
• 25:58
  As we bring this episode to a close, I want to take a moment to connect with you.
• 26:04
  If any of the signs of parental burnout struck a chord with you, I encourage you to find a quiet moment for some reflection.
• 26:14
  If you have a journal handy, jot down your thoughts.
• 26:18
  Sometimes putting pen to paper can help unravel the jumble of our thoughts and feelings.
• 26:24
  Parenting is a journey, and we all need a safe place to share our highs and our lows.
• 26:33
  If you're fortunate enough to have that trusted friend, take a small step.
• 26:38
  Send them a text and let them know you value.
• 26:42
  and want their support.
• 26:45
  With TPP, you're never alone on this parenting rollercoaster.
• 26:51
  We're here for you.
• 26:53
  Join us in our next episode as we delve even deeper into this web of parental burnout, exploring the factors that contribute to this struggle.
• 27:04
  Your well being is our priority, so we are looking forward to continuing these important conversations.
• 27:11
  Don't hesitate to reach out.
• 27:13
  Visit our website, DM us on social media, or drop us an email at contact at theparentingpodcast.
• 27:21
  com.
• 27:22
  We always want to hear from you and to be a part of your ongoing parenting journey.
• 27:27
  So until next time, take care of yourself and each other.