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High-Functioning Anxiety: Why Being the "Strong One" is Exhausting · Create The Best Me

• 0:00
  Have you ever been called the strong one?
• 0:03
  And it felt like a compliment and a life sentence because when you are the capable one, the one who gets it done holds it together, answers the text, remembers the birthdays, and makes work magic happen.
• 0:20
  Nobody checks on you.
• 0:22
  And you start living by this unspoken rule, Lisa says so perfectly: if I'm so strong for everyone else, I don't get the option to wobble.
• 0:36
  Today's conversation is for the woman who looks totally fine on the outside, but in the inside, feels like her brain has 37 tabs open.
• 0:47
  We're talking about high functioning anxiety, the kind that gets rewarded as ambitious, reliable, and so on while quietly draining you behind the scenes.
• 1:00
  My guest is Lisa Skeffington, multi award-winning psychotherapist, self-esteem expert and executive coach.
• 1:09
  And she's here to help us gently retire what she calls the mask of competence.
• 1:15
  And here's what you'll hear in this episode.
• 1:18
  Why high functioning anxiety isn't panic, it's pressure.
• 1:23
  Why the mask often starts to crack in midlife and why midlife isn't the problem, it's the truth teller.
• 1:33
  The menopause myth, Lisa wants to bust because it's not creating and anxiety, it's often revealing what's been stored for years.
• 1:44
  And the simple boundary shift she teaches that can change, everything.
• 1:50
  I need to pause before I commit.
• 1:54
  Also, stay with us because near the end, Lisa gives you three questions to ask yourself that will instantly shine a light on where you've been over-functioning and how to come back to you.
• 2:09
  Let's dive on in.
• 2:12
  Lisa Skeffington, welcome to Create the Best Me.
• 2:15
  This is an honor and a privilege to have you on the show.
• 2:19
  Hi, Carmen.
• 2:20
  Thank you so much for inviting me.
• 2:21
  I'm really looking forward to our conversation today.
• 2:25
  Yes, Lisa.
• 2:26
  Before we get into today's conversation, could you please tell the listeners and viewers a little bit about who Lisa is and what she does?
• 2:34
  Yeah, surely.
• 2:36
  So, I guide high performing women in leadership, in business, and in the celebrity world to heal buried emotional wounds so that they can live, love and lead with unshakeable confidence in their life today.
• 2:53
  So today, I'm proud to say I'm a multi award-winning psychotherapist.
• 2:58
  Self-esteem expert and executive coach with over 25 years in private practice.
• 3:05
  I blend psychotherapy, advanced hypnotherapy with mentoring for communication mastery, all in a unique way that I call psychodynamic mentoring.
• 3:17
  That's beautiful.
• 3:19
  Lisa, could you please tell us what is the difference between, high functioning anxiety and burnout and anxiety?
• 3:28
  Sure.
• 3:29
  Okay, so this is how I define high functioning anxiety.
• 3:34
  So, high functioning anxiety is not about panic attacks or visible distress.
• 3:41
  Many high performing women don't feel, don't connect with the idea of having anxiety.
• 3:48
  It doesn't sit well with them in their identity.
• 3:52
  And the reason for this is because anxiety is often masked as ambition.
• 4:00
  As that constant drive.
• 4:03
  So it looks like these women are functioning brilliantly on the outside, whilst internally they are running on pressure, hyper vigilance, and self-doubt.
• 4:16
  Now these women, they don't fall apart, they hold it all together, but often at great emotional cost.
• 4:27
  So I want you to think about it this way, perhaps; so panic says, oh, I can't cope.
• 4:35
  High functioning anxiety says I must cope no matter what.
• 4:41
  It's quieter.
• 4:43
  It's more socially rewarded, and therefore it's harder to spot.
• 4:49
  So high function anxiety typically shows up as over preparing, over-delivering.
• 4:56
  Anticipating everyone else's needs.
• 5:00
  It's in that sort of hyper alert state where they then leap to people pleasing, making sure everyone else is okay whilst they are presenting as calm, capable, and confident.
• 5:15
  They have a restless mind that never truly switches off.
• 5:20
  They can attempt to relax, but it can feel like their mind is still running.
• 5:26
  So in this mind running all the time, they often have difficulty resting.
• 5:32
  They feel guilty if they actually rest.
• 5:35
  And when they do achieve what they feel is often a sense of relief.
• 5:41
  You know, that kind of whew, got that done.
• 5:44
  Rather than a sense of deep satisfaction; a sense of acknowledging what they have achieved.
• 5:51
  And this is where imposter syndrome fits in.
• 5:55
  Because imposter syndrome often sits under this mask of outward success.
• 6:01
  Even with evidence, with outward evidence of success for these high achieving, high performing women, there's a persistent fear of being found out.
• 6:14
  Which drives effort.
• 6:16
  It drives more proving and it drives more self silencing.
• 6:22
  And so do you find that because they're struggling with this imposter syndrome that may be to the outside, they could look like they're plowing through people instead of being mindful of others' feelings in the business world?
• 6:38
  Yes.
• 6:40
  Although actually it looks more like they are trying to be super mindful of other people's feelings.
• 6:47
  And they're actually ignoring their own feelings.
• 6:50
  So at the point where they start to be neglectful of other people's feelings, that's when they are already spiraling.
• 6:57
  That's when they're already heading towards a breakdown that they may not see coming.
• 7:03
  And this kind of loop of invisibility, let's say, that's beginning to gather momentum, it's so typical in midlife because the mask often begins to crack.
• 7:16
  When a woman gets in her forties, fifties, early sixties perhaps, but predominantly, I'd say early fifties, you know a little bit either side.
• 7:26
  But typically around early fifties, the mask begins to crack, and here's why.
• 7:31
  So in earlier life, over-functioning works, people are rewarded at work for being a hard worker, for being really diligent, for being really punctilious with all the T crossing and the I's dotting.
• 7:47
  They are rewarded in their families for being really, really caregiving.
• 7:52
  Really, really nurturing, really on it.
• 7:55
  Really making sure they are the best mom they could be or the best wife they could be.
• 8:00
  And also then obviously in their relationships, there's this reward all the way round when they're younger; because they're learning and they're getting reward for that learning.
• 8:12
  But in midlife, they begin to take stock.
• 8:16
  The emotional load begins to spread, doesn't that, it begins to increase while the nervous system's tolerance actually begins to go down; so there's a mismatch, if you will.
• 8:29
  So the mask starts to cost more than it gives.
• 8:35
  So identity shifts that I see again and again in my clients as this awareness in their forties, fifties, sixties, begins to really land; creates a narrative within them that begins to shift, let's say, from an idea of I'm needed as, so whether that's a wife or a mother, or a senior leader, a manager, whoever it might be, to that really probing question that nagging inside that says, who am I now?
• 9:09
  Who am I now?
• 9:11
  And these women often have forgotten actually who they are.
• 9:17
  So, instead of the constant doing roles, they begin to question the meaning.
• 9:24
  They begin to question, to ask themselves, why am I doing this?
• 9:28
  What does this actually mean?
• 9:29
  What's the value of this?
• 9:32
  That habit of seeking external validation.
• 9:37
  That constantly being externally referenced.
• 9:39
  Where we're always looking for other people to approve of us.
• 9:43
  That begins to create some awareness of an internal emptiness.
• 9:51
  Because all of this constant giving, this constantly looking outward is beginning to take its toll.
• 9:58
  So the common triggers with this, let's call it unraveling; that are typical for midlife women in their forties, fifties, sixties, are these; hormonal shifts.
• 10:10
  Hormonal shifts affect emotional regulation.
• 10:15
  So typically, you've guessed it, we're talking about the menopause.
• 10:19
  And I want to just touch on a little myth actually around the menopause because so many women, say a sort of throwaway line of, oh, the menopause created this anxiety.
• 10:33
  Or it's; I've lost my confidence.
• 10:34
  It's made me lose my confidence, and it's all because of the menopause.
• 10:39
  It isn't; it's a myth.
• 10:43
  The menopause doesn't create anxiety.
• 10:47
  It doesn't create a loss of confidence.
• 10:50
  What it does is provide the tipping point, for what is already stored within you.
• 10:59
  In menopause, the tipping point means it finds its way back up and that's what comes out.
• 11:07
  So that's the hormonal shift that, as you can imagine, creates a huge emotional overload.
• 11:15
  We've got career plateaus.
• 11:19
  So often in our fifties, let's say maybe late forties, we've pushed so far through in our career, we've done this, we've whish.
• 11:28
  And then we get to a point where we begin to plateau, begins to go along.
• 11:32
  And as it goes along, it can create moments of, is this all there is?
• 11:36
  Is this actually it?
• 11:38
  Is this all I'm destined for?
• 11:40
  And we spiral.
• 11:41
  It can create this emotional unraveling for us.
• 11:46
  As we get older, our bodies change.
• 11:48
  Don't they?
• 11:49
  We all have to accept our bodies change a little bit, as we get older.
• 11:52
  We can do what we can to fight it.
• 11:55
  But we really need to embrace it.
• 11:56
  I'm sure you agree with that, Carmen it's just how it is, isn't it?
• 12:00
  But it brings with it that loss of control and that again, can be really disconcerting, really unraveling for us.
• 12:09
  And all of this fighting; this constant driving to stay on top of everything, it's stressing the physiology of the body and it's creating layers of energy zapping within us.
• 12:25
  But ultimately, if it's left unchecked for too long and the pressure keeps loading, the emotional load keeps growing, it leads to burnout.
• 12:36
  And there's no amount of competence that can fix that; we have to listen.
• 12:43
  So midlife isn't the problem, is it?
• 12:46
  Midlife is the truth teller, and it can feel impossible to navigate this alone in order to keep that mask in place.
• 12:55
  And that's when the bricks begin to to tumble down.
• 13:00
  Exactly.
• 13:01
  I always see midlife as, kinda like when we went through puberty.
• 13:05
  We become aware of changes and maybe we think we're not ready for those changes, but the changes start to happen.
• 13:14
  And midlife comes in and says, here's your second change and what are you gonna do with it?
• 13:20
  Because you have all this experience and knowledge that you've accumulated throughout the years.
• 13:27
  Now what.
• 13:30
  Absolutely.
• 13:31
  And it, it's a very scary place, isn't it, to try to navigate that alone.
• 13:37
  This sense of feeling invisible, feeling unseen when you have this emotional unraveling.
• 13:44
  This identity unraveling.
• 13:48
  Where do you go with that?
• 13:50
  So, the reason why high achieving women often feel so unseen is because no one checks on the women who looks capable, do they?
• 14:02
  Support flows towards a need, doesn't it?
• 14:06
  Towards a lack.
• 14:08
  Someone will reach out and see that you're struggling.
• 14:11
  But it doesn't flow towards seeming competence.
• 14:15
  And there's this pressure isn't there when it's part of the identity, when it's part of what we've known.
• 14:21
  You know, for many, many women they've been doing this since childhood.
• 14:25
  I did it since childhood.
• 14:27
  And it's that pressure to maintain that image.
• 14:31
  So it's like there's an unspoken rule internally that's saying if I am strong enough for everyone else, I don't get the option to wobble.
• 14:43
  Let me say that again so that it really lands with your listeners.
• 14:46
  If I'm strong for everyone else, I don't get the option to wobble.
• 14:53
  So the emotional cost of always being the capable one is this; chronic self abandonment, resentment that has nowhere to go, difficulty receiving care or asking for support.
• 15:10
  And feeling completely unknown, completely unseen, even in your close relationships.
• 15:17
  Because people see a version of you they don't see the real you because; the real you is hidden behind that mask.
• 15:27
  Is it because, I mean, pow, you hit me right here.
• 15:30
  Is it because we are the pitcher that is always pouring.
• 15:35
  We're pouring into everyone's glass, making sure that everyone has enough to drink per se; but nobody's pouring into us.
• 15:44
  And you know, we might be the one that our friends go to for advice.
• 15:49
  You know, at work we are the one that people go to because we tend to have answers.
• 15:56
  But there's that loneliness of emotional support that we deeply need to be heard.
• 16:04
  We need to be able to have an outlet to be able to speak and say, here is my problem.
• 16:10
  But we have nobody because we're kind of like the top.
• 16:13
  And we can't pour from an empty cup, can we?
• 16:16
  We can't pour from an empty cup.
• 16:18
  So this is where, because of that invisibility, because of not being seen, so many women have needs that are unmet.
• 16:26
  It comes back to that if I'm strong for everyone, how am I allowed to wobble?
• 16:31
  And in that wobble it's saying, actually I need support.
• 16:35
  I have these needs that are not being met.
• 16:38
  So often these women, as we've said, are they're running, hiding from anxiety.
• 16:44
  And that means they're not taking care of themselves either.
• 16:46
  They're so busy being hypervigilant, aren't they?
• 16:49
  They're so busy making sure everyone else is okay that they aren't filling their own cup and we can't pour from an empty cup.
• 16:58
  And that brings on this depletion in our emotional wellbeing, in our physiological wellbeing.
• 17:07
  And that's when we continue to fight against that, and ultimately we're gonna end up with burnout.
• 17:14
  So Lisa, what can women do?
• 17:17
  These women that are lonely, that are empty, that are burned out per se, where do they go to be heard, to get resources?
• 17:30
  Alright, great.
• 17:31
  So let's get into some ways that I can help unmask safely and build what I call empowered momentum.
• 17:40
  So I work psychodynamically.
• 17:43
  So this means that I help women to understand why the mask is formed, not just how to remove it.
• 17:50
  So it's about understanding the why.
• 17:54
  Why it's formed.
• 17:55
  Because crucially, it's so important to understand and respect that the mask was once protection.
• 18:05
  So we're not just gonna rip it off.
• 18:08
  We need to retire it gently, gracefully with gratitude.
• 18:14
  Because when we do this together, we begin to understand the buried emotional wounding that created the need for a mask that fed the self-doubt.
• 18:27
  And then when we've done that, only when we've done that do we then work together pragmatically to build the evidence and the circumstance today that make it safe to gently remove the mask and thrive as the truest, most secure version of yourself.
• 18:49
  So how do we do this?
• 18:50
  There are many, many different ways that are unique to each woman.
• 18:55
  I work in a totally bespoke way, a totally unique way.
• 18:59
  So let's just look at one little example of how we dial in to ourselves.
• 19:04
  And that we could say is boundary setting.
• 19:07
  But boundary setting without guilt, that creates a simple acknowledgement to ourselves before we even say anything out loud.
• 19:17
  Because a lot of this is internal, isn't it?
• 19:20
  It's within ourselves.
• 19:22
  People respond to us by how we are connected to ourselves.
• 19:28
  Let me give you three quick examples of boundary setting, how you can do this without feeling guilty.
• 19:34
  So the first one that my clients learn is this.
• 19:38
  I can't take this on right now, and that's me being responsible.
• 19:44
  So it's really allowing ourselves to acknowledge that and hold that sense of worth for ourselves.
• 19:51
  The next one is to check in with ourselves.
• 19:54
  So to say to ourselves, this is all internal dialogue: I need to pause before I commit.
• 20:02
  Why?
• 20:03
  Because so often as women, we leap to help.
• 20:08
  We leap to rescue, we leap to nurture; and that's when we abandon ourselves.
• 20:13
  We forget ourselves.
• 20:14
  I talk about islands a lot.
• 20:16
  So let's say for us to be healthy, we need to live on our island and just float between someone else's island a little bit.
• 20:25
  But often what happens is we forget our island and we leap onto someone else's island and we live there.
• 20:32
  And then one day we say, whatever happened to my island.
• 20:35
  So we wanna keep in touch with our island.
• 20:39
  And when we pause, we allow ourselves to be mindful with ourself to come into that place of, okay, is this right for me?
• 20:48
  Does this support me as well as them?
• 20:50
  The third is a promise to themselves.
• 20:54
  So I help my clients to have a dialogue that says; I'm going to do things differently, going forward.
• 21:02
  Because we need to be within integrity with ourselves because that builds self-esteem, doesn't it?
• 21:10
  If we can't trust ourselves, we're not gonna have high self-esteem.
• 21:14
  So we need to learn just gently to give ourselves little assurances that we follow through on to keep self-esteem strong.
• 21:24
  Because boundaries, they don't require explanations to people.
• 21:29
  No, no.
• 21:30
  All they require is self-respect, isn't it?
• 21:35
  So how do we unmask safely, but without oversharing?
• 21:41
  Because this is a really valuable point when we are used to overgiving, people pleasing, overdelivering, we tend to overshare.
• 21:49
  We tend to over justify, which is where that explanation comes in, isn't it?
• 21:54
  And we need to really pull back to safeguard ourselves.
• 21:58
  So what we are talking about here is measured honesty.
• 22:02
  So we're not talking about emotional dumping.
• 22:06
  We're talking about measured honesty.
• 22:09
  And this looks like sharing your needs, not your trauma.
• 22:13
  It looks like naming your limits, not your apologies, no need.
• 22:19
  90% of the time there's no need to apologize.
• 22:22
  You simply set the boundary and we choose.
• 22:25
  Choice is a really big thing in learning self-love and self-respect.
• 22:31
  It's choosing safe people and the appropriate spaces to be in.
• 22:36
  So whether that is at work.
• 22:39
  At work, it may be seeking clarity over caretaking.
• 22:45
  Now, I've helped clients quite recently with this actually, who were over, over caring in the workplace.
• 22:52
  Yes, we're all big hearted, giving women, of course we are.
• 22:57
  But we have to keep the professional boundaries.
• 22:59
  We can't blur the boundaries.
• 23:01
  We've got to keep containment.
• 23:03
  We can't be too enmeshed in our professional relationships.
• 23:08
  In our personal relationships, we need to pay attention to our needs, not just be nice.
• 23:16
  Again, of course, we want to be nice and loving and caring and generous of spirit in our relationships, but we have to do that to ourselves too.
• 23:27
  So that's a really, really good thing to pay attention to; pay attention to your needs over simply being nice.
• 23:34
  So, would you like me to perhaps share some small first steps for Please women.
• 23:40
  Yeah.
• 23:41
  Yes.
• 23:41
  Because sometimes, you know, women are afraid to stop over functioning, aren't they?
• 23:46
  It's their identity.
• 23:47
  They've done it all their life and it's, well, who am I if I'm not doing that?
• 23:51
  You know, what's gonna happen if I stop?
• 23:54
  So simply you could delay responding instead of reacting.
• 24:00
  So instead of reacting immediately again, come back to that pause before you respond.
• 24:06
  So maybe internally you could do 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, and then respond.
• 24:13
  This next one's a big one.
• 24:15
  Get ready.
• 24:16
  Let something be good enough, not perfect.
• 24:21
  That's a hard one.
• 24:22
  It is.
• 24:23
  That's a real hard one.
• 24:25
  But it's gotta just be good enough.
• 24:27
  There's a, sometimes a narrative: if it's good enough, it's not.
• 24:31
  There's a, sometimes a narrative: If it's good enough, it won't do.
• 24:33
  There's a, sometimes a narrative: But actually that creates just such a whirlwind of, you know, impending burnout.
• 24:41
  There's a, sometimes a narrative: If we can just get comfortable with things being good enough; at a good quality, a good standard that's level to your skillset.
• 24:50
  There's a, sometimes a narrative: That's level to the situation; without being perfect, nothing has to be perfect.
• 24:55
  There's a, sometimes a narrative: We are all perfectly imperfect, aren't we?
• 25:00
  There's a, sometimes a narrative: Because we are all spiritual beings having a human experience as they say.
• 25:05
  There's a, sometimes a narrative: Great quote, isn't it?
• 25:06
  There's a, sometimes a narrative: And we've gotta remember that.
• 25:07
  There's a, sometimes a narrative: So drop perfection, please.
• 25:10
  There's a, sometimes a narrative: How about asking for one small piece of advice, just one.
• 25:16
  There's a, sometimes a narrative: It can be really hard to ask for advice when we are the ones holding all the balls.
• 25:22
  There's a, sometimes a narrative: I want you also to notice where you perhaps say yes out of fear rather than choice.
• 25:30
  There's a, sometimes a narrative: So again, that's a reaction.
• 25:32
  There's a, sometimes a narrative: Isn't it?
• 25:33
  There's a, sometimes a narrative: That fear is coming from a younger, wounded self that wants safety, that wants to leap to safety.
• 25:39
  There's a, sometimes a narrative: So notice where you say yes and pause.
• 25:44
  There's a, sometimes a narrative: Bring in that pause again before you respond and respond with choice.
• 25:50
  There's a, sometimes a narrative: Now doing this, I'm sure you can tell Carmen that this, it's slowing everything down, isn't it?
• 25:56
  There's a, sometimes a narrative: And again, there's this idea that we need to be unstoppable.
• 26:01
  There's a, sometimes a narrative: And that's true, we want to be unstoppable, but we need to be empowered first, to be unstoppable.
• 26:08
  There's a, sometimes a narrative: Because if we're trying to be unstoppable and we have wounds that are not healed, we have needs that are not met, it's like we're trying to leap forward with a bungee rope tied around us, isn't it?
• 26:21
  There's a, sometimes a narrative: That's pulling us back.
• 26:24
  There's a, sometimes a narrative: So stopping isn't the danger.
• 26:26
  There's a, sometimes a narrative: It's never stopping, that's the danger because that ultimately creates burnout.
• 26:33
  There's a, sometimes a narrative: And I've found that sometimes my heart, my heart is telling me, pause, stop.
• 26:40
  There's a, sometimes a narrative: Don't move forward.
• 26:42
  There's a, sometimes a narrative: And I say, no, I gotta get this done.
• 26:44
  There's a, sometimes a narrative: This person's counting on me.
• 26:45
  There's a, sometimes a narrative: Or what are people gonna think?
• 26:47
  There's a, sometimes a narrative: What are people gonna think?
• 26:48
  There's a, sometimes a narrative: And I find that if I plow and force myself to do what I said, I was gonna do what I said yes to, I make a mess.
• 26:58
  There's a, sometimes a narrative: Yeah.
• 26:58
  There's a, sometimes a narrative: I self sabotage myself, even though I know that the task that I said yes to is something I can do.
• 27:07
  There's a, sometimes a narrative: But my heart, something just in here said, pause, no.
• 27:14
  There's a, sometimes a narrative: Take a step back.
• 27:16
  There's a, sometimes a narrative: If I ignore myself, I self-sabotage myself.
• 27:19
  There's a, sometimes a narrative: Do you find that a lot of women do that?
• 27:23
  There's a, sometimes a narrative: They do, and they do it because they have abandoned themselves.
• 27:28
  There's a, sometimes a narrative: In that moment, they've stepped outta the truth of who they are, and they've gone into a place of no man's land.
• 27:37
  There's a, sometimes a narrative: When you think about the islands, you know I talk about those islands.
• 27:40
  There's a, sometimes a narrative: And, when they do that, when they leap to please, when they leap to help, when they leap to get something done that needs to be done right now.
• 27:49
  There's a, sometimes a narrative: Right now.
• 27:50
  There's a, sometimes a narrative: Gotta be right, right now.
• 27:52
  There's a, sometimes a narrative: They're off balance.
• 27:54
  There's a, sometimes a narrative: They're out of alignment with who they are.
• 27:57
  There's a, sometimes a narrative: That's what you feel here.
• 27:59
  There's a, sometimes a narrative: It's that essence of who we are.
• 28:01
  There's a, sometimes a narrative: It's like the little, the tap on the shoulder.
• 28:03
  There's a, sometimes a narrative: It's like the little person inside of us that's saying save me, help me love me.
• 28:10
  There's a, sometimes a narrative: And when we react quickly, when we leap to do things against that little voice inside, we lose our balance.
• 28:19
  There's a, sometimes a narrative: That's where we need to pause.
• 28:21
  There's a, sometimes a narrative: So this brings me to the example of a client that came to mind when I was speaking just a little earlier.
• 28:27
  There's a, sometimes a narrative: Would you like me to share about the client?
• 28:30
  There's a, sometimes a narrative: A client that comes to mind was a senior leader came to me in tears.
• 28:36
  There's a, sometimes a narrative: At the end of her tether, as she said in her words, she couldn't keep the train on the track for one more day.
• 28:40
  There's a, sometimes a narrative: It had just got too much.
• 28:43
  There's a, sometimes a narrative: So she was seen as the emotional anchor at work and at home.
• 28:48
  There's a, sometimes a narrative: Now working with me, she began to pull back, preempting everyone's needs.
• 28:54
  There's a, sometimes a narrative: And when she started to pull back, guess what happened?
• 28:59
  There's a, sometimes a narrative: Nothing, nothing.
• 29:02
  There's a, sometimes a narrative: Nothing, collapsed.
• 29:05
  There's a, sometimes a narrative: The sky didn't fall in.
• 29:07
  There's a, sometimes a narrative: She was amazed.
• 29:08
  There's a, sometimes a narrative: She was so stunned that the anxiety rocketed.
• 29:13
  There's a, sometimes a narrative: But just for a very small amount of time.
• 29:15
  There's a, sometimes a narrative: And that's where she needed support.
• 29:17
  There's a, sometimes a narrative: Because what had happened to her identity, it was disproving everything she thought was right.
• 29:24
  There's a, sometimes a narrative: So what emerged in that process, and we're only talking, a couple of weeks, that's all.
• 29:31
  There's a, sometimes a narrative: A couple of sessions with me.
• 29:33
  There's a, sometimes a narrative: Obviously with support in between times.
• 29:35
  There's a, sometimes a narrative: What emerged was grief, real grief.
• 29:40
  There's a, sometimes a narrative: Because she said I didn't realize how invisible I had made myself.
• 29:46
  There's a, sometimes a narrative: In that invincibility that she created, she'd lost herself.
• 29:52
  There's a, sometimes a narrative: She'd forgotten who she was.
• 29:54
  There's a, sometimes a narrative: She'd become completely invisible, setting unrealistic expectations for herself for what would happen if she allowed herself to pull back.
• 30:06
  There's a, sometimes a narrative: But when she did with support it was beautiful.
• 30:10
  There's a, sometimes a narrative: And that awareness became the doorway to a much calmer leadership at work.
• 30:17
  There's a, sometimes a narrative: She had a wonderful large team that she was supporting and they were beginning to notice and there were cracks in different relationships, communication, skyrocketed, morale, connection within the team, it was amazing.
• 30:33
  There's a, sometimes a narrative: Because there were clearer boundaries.
• 30:36
  There's a, sometimes a narrative: Communication was strong.
• 30:39
  There's a, sometimes a narrative: And that communication, that self-love, that self-respect in the boundaries, it rippled out into the relationships with her young adult children.
• 30:52
  There's a, sometimes a narrative: I think they were 19 and 22.
• 30:55
  There's a, sometimes a narrative: And also with her husband, it strengthened, their relationship as well that, which was quite rocky when she found me.
• 31:02
  There's a, sometimes a narrative: So you see the wheels start to come off in lots of different areas.
• 31:07
  There's a, sometimes a narrative: And sometimes these women, your listeners keep pushing on until it's almost too late and it's fear that drives that push to actually get the help that they need.
• 31:19
  There's a, sometimes a narrative: And really, when they have that little internal voice, as you said, when they feel it and they try to ignore it and push beyond it, that when they need to get out.
• 31:31
  There's a, sometimes a narrative: Do you find that these women have, I have two questions.
• 31:34
  There's a, sometimes a narrative: Do you find that these women first as they're working with you, have this, internal grief.
• 31:42
  There's a, sometimes a narrative: Like I cannot believe, I abused myself grief and guilt, abused myself for all these years and thought that if I didn't do this, things wouldn't happen.
• 31:56
  There's a, sometimes a narrative: That I was the muscle behind all this.
• 31:59
  There's a, sometimes a narrative: Yeah.
• 32:00
  There's a, sometimes a narrative: One hundred percent.
• 32:01
  There's a, sometimes a narrative: One hundred percent, yeah.
• 32:02
  There's a, sometimes a narrative: That's that invisibility, isn't it?
• 32:05
  There's a, sometimes a narrative: That invincibility, that fearing that the ceiling's gonna fall in, if they don't.
• 32:11
  There's a, sometimes a narrative: But actually coming to terms is the hard part, isn't it?
• 32:15
  There's a, sometimes a narrative: It's that realizing that all this time I've almost wasted all this energy when I didn't really need to.
• 32:22
  There's a, sometimes a narrative: You know, I'm actually, I'm actually okay just being me.
• 32:27
  There's a, sometimes a narrative: It's actually okay for me to voice my needs.
• 32:30
  There's a, sometimes a narrative: To voice my boundaries.
• 32:33
  There's a, sometimes a narrative: To set the standards, that are aligned to who I am.
• 32:37
  There's a, sometimes a narrative: And people actually respond much more positively than I ever imagined they would.
• 32:44
  There's a, sometimes a narrative: So there is that disconnect there is that that little bit of needing to actually sit with with the truth, but what's the other side of it is huge relief.
• 32:52
  There's a, sometimes a narrative: As I shared with my client.
• 32:54
  There's a, sometimes a narrative: And it happens quickly.
• 32:56
  There's a, sometimes a narrative: Mm-hmm.
• 32:57
  There's a, sometimes a narrative: And I know that like for example, I gave up chocolate in October of last year.
• 33:03
  There's a, sometimes a narrative: Well done.
• 33:04
  There's a, sometimes a narrative: Yeah.
• 33:05
  There's a, sometimes a narrative: I've lost 20 pounds giving it up, which is good.
• 33:09
  There's a, sometimes a narrative: I'm so scared to eat chocolate because bad habits are hard to break.
• 33:14
  There's a, sometimes a narrative: So with that said, do you find that when women work with you and they are learning to be more authentic, how difficult is it for them to slide back into their old ways?
• 33:29
  There's a, sometimes a narrative: Because they've been doing this, let's say they're 40, they're 50, they've been doing this for 20, 30 years.
• 33:36
  There's a, sometimes a narrative: Yeah.
• 33:36
  There's a, sometimes a narrative: If not longer.
• 33:38
  There's a, sometimes a narrative: Yeah.
• 33:39
  There's a, sometimes a narrative: Yeah.
• 33:39
  There's a, sometimes a narrative: That's where my process, my methods are very unique and very, very effective, long term.
• 33:49
  There's a, sometimes a narrative: So effective that I have a very high percentage, very high percentage of clients, and some of them will be listening to this, I'm sure when it aired.
• 33:59
  There's a, sometimes a narrative: Who have had me in mind for over 20 years, they still refer, friends of family members even, or in that sort of network of I know someone.
• 34:11
  There's a, sometimes a narrative: Over 20 years because they didn't go back.
• 34:15
  There's a, sometimes a narrative: Because the work that we did was solid.
• 34:19
  There's a, sometimes a narrative: Because it was thorough, in a way that really collapses time.
• 34:24
  There's a, sometimes a narrative: We don't need to take years and years with this stuff.
• 34:26
  There's a, sometimes a narrative: We really don't.
• 34:27
  There's a, sometimes a narrative: But we need the right help, the right support that is effective because it's real and it's honest and it's very connecting.
• 34:37
  There's a, sometimes a narrative: So it allows you to be vulnerable, but with controlled vulnerability.
• 34:43
  There's a, sometimes a narrative: So we're not reliving the past, once is enough for all of us.
• 34:47
  There's a, sometimes a narrative: It's dealing with the consequences, the impact of that.
• 34:50
  There's a, sometimes a narrative: And the consequences, the impact in that wounding that we've carried forward in our lives and not realized that we've been carrying a wounded younger self within us.
• 35:03
  There's a, sometimes a narrative: So it's healing that wound itself within us.
• 35:07
  There's a, sometimes a narrative: That's not all though you see what we also need to do, which is crucial, is to understand the narrative that got created then and look at how and why that's not true for who you are today.
• 35:22
  There's a, sometimes a narrative: That's about coming into the truth of who you are today, isn't it?
• 35:26
  There's a, sometimes a narrative: And I have a highly effective proprietary process, to do that.
• 35:33
  There's a, sometimes a narrative: That helps in four stages.
• 35:36
  There's a, sometimes a narrative: It helps clients move from that really destructive narrative, they don't even know it's there.
• 35:41
  There's a, sometimes a narrative: You know, I talk about it being an invisible script like this, that we carry around with us everywhere we go.
• 35:47
  There's a, sometimes a narrative: To actually creating a narrative within ourself that is evidenced, that is empowering, that allows us then to go forward.
• 35:57
  There's a, sometimes a narrative: Not to go back.
• 35:58
  There's a, sometimes a narrative: I speak to my clients a lot all the time, depending on, they might say something in the process and I simply do this; this is divergent paths.
• 36:08
  There's a, sometimes a narrative: You know, we can be where we don't wanna be, we can be where we do wanna be.
• 36:12
  There's a, sometimes a narrative: This is our moment of choice.
• 36:15
  There's a, sometimes a narrative: So with this, this is where we make a decision to go this way with the right support, with the right evidence gathering.
• 36:24
  There's a, sometimes a narrative: And this allows us to create the right narrative.
• 36:28
  There's a, sometimes a narrative: And what happens when we don't go over here, when we don't go over the old outdated way, like any path through a meadow, it begins to grass over.
• 36:39
  There's a, sometimes a narrative: And we just don't, it's not there anymore.
• 36:41
  There's a, sometimes a narrative: So you can't go back.
• 36:43
  There's a, sometimes a narrative: You don't go back.
• 36:43
  There's a, sometimes a narrative: Not in the same way, not with this level of expert support.
• 36:47
  There's a, sometimes a narrative: No way.
• 36:48
  There's a, sometimes a narrative: Lisa how long do women work with you?
• 36:52
  There's a, sometimes a narrative: So it's highly effective from depending on what it is, obviously, from three weeks to three months to two days with me.
• 37:05
  There's a, sometimes a narrative: To come and spend two days with me here on the beautiful Dorset Coast in the UK is a really, really powerful way to heal, and it's beautiful.
• 37:18
  There's a, sometimes a narrative: So, I run private, bespoke coastal escapes two day escapes here in the UK that are restorative, psychologically grounding experiences by the sea.
• 37:30
  There's a, sometimes a narrative: Now, many international clients, they begin online with me working either three weeks or three months, and then they fly in for a weekend.
• 37:41
  There's a, sometimes a narrative: And in that way, they just step out of the noise of their life in a way that collapses time, that is highly effective, highly personal, very intimate, very private, that allows them to do real honest, immersive work.
• 37:59
  There's a, sometimes a narrative: So whether they begin online or whether they come to a coastal escape or follow the step process online and then into an escape, both options are doing the same thing.
• 38:10
  There's a, sometimes a narrative: It's helping women to remove the mask safely, to rebuild a sense of self-trust and move forward with calm, with clarity, and with self-worth, so that truly they do become unstoppable, but empowered and unstoppable.
• 38:29
  There's a, sometimes a narrative: Those are amazing timelines, and I say that because you hear about people that have seen a therapist for years.
• 38:38
  There's a, sometimes a narrative: And because you are a therapist.
• 38:41
  There's a, sometimes a narrative: Mm-hmm.
• 38:43
  There's a, sometimes a narrative: It But I'm a highly effective one.
• 38:45
  There's a, sometimes a narrative: Obviously.
• 38:47
  There's a, sometimes a narrative: Yeah.
• 38:47
  There's a, sometimes a narrative: I know, I've had clients who have been in therapy.
• 38:50
  There's a, sometimes a narrative: I had one client, she was a barrister, she was in, had been in therapy, psychiatry, and psychotherapy for 45 years.
• 38:59
  There's a, sometimes a narrative: And no one had been able to help her.
• 39:01
  There's a, sometimes a narrative: And she gave me a great quote, great testimonial that said, the first person to offer me hope and results.
• 39:09
  There's a, sometimes a narrative: Being truly, truly sincere, I want your listeners to know that there is hope.
• 39:14
  There's a, sometimes a narrative: They absolutely can move forward.
• 39:17
  There's a, sometimes a narrative: You just need the right help, and that's all.
• 39:21
  There's a, sometimes a narrative: You need the right strategies, the right clarity, the right support, and you can.
• 39:27
  There's a, sometimes a narrative: It can happen in a very small amount of time.
• 39:30
  There's a, sometimes a narrative: From 3, 3 half days, over 3 weeks.
• 39:34
  There's a, sometimes a narrative: Or a step process over 12 weeks over three months.
• 39:39
  There's a, sometimes a narrative: Or just come and spend two days with me and let's sort it out.
• 39:42
  There's a, sometimes a narrative: Let's just help you to heal.
• 39:43
  There's a, sometimes a narrative: And it helps women also who are struggling with fibromyalgia, with chronic fatigue, because that's all trauma.
• 39:51
  There's a, sometimes a narrative: It's all trauma.
• 39:52
  There's a, sometimes a narrative: You know, trauma is just clinging.
• 39:53
  There's a, sometimes a narrative: It's creating emotional pain, like psychogenic pain within the body.
• 39:58
  There's a, sometimes a narrative: Or just in that real energy zapping, as we said, with chronic fatigue.
• 40:03
  There's a, sometimes a narrative: So could I, perhaps, if I may share three takeaways for your listeners?
• 40:08
  There's a, sometimes a narrative: Please do.
• 40:10
  There's a, sometimes a narrative: Okay.
• 40:10
  There's a, sometimes a narrative: So to speaking directly to your listeners, I want you to ask yourself, What am I overfunctioning for?
• 40:21
  There's a, sometimes a narrative: What am I afraid would happen if I don't?
• 40:25
  There's a, sometimes a narrative: And then I want you to come back to practicing one pause before you say yes.
• 40:32
  There's a, sometimes a narrative: Before you fix, before you smooth things over pause.
• 40:37
  There's a, sometimes a narrative: Be honest.
• 40:40
  There's a, sometimes a narrative: Replace competence with connection;' cause that's what it's about.
• 40:45
  There's a, sometimes a narrative: It's about real honest connection.
• 40:49
  There's a, sometimes a narrative: Share one honest need instead of another skill, another capability, another can do.
• 40:57
  There's a, sometimes a narrative: Be honest, be honest and real with the people around you and be honest and real with yourself.
• 41:05
  There's a, sometimes a narrative: That is great.
• 41:07
  There's a, sometimes a narrative: And I think you've really touched on things that I like.
• 41:10
  There's a, sometimes a narrative: 'Cause you talked about making a promise to yourself.
• 41:14
  There's a, sometimes a narrative: And I always believe that if you can't keep a promise to yourself, you can't keep a promise to anyone else.
• 41:23
  There's a, sometimes a narrative: And if you can't put your needs first, how could you put others' people's needs before yours because you're not gonna be able to be your full self or give like you really, really want to give because you haven't restored yourself.
• 41:45
  There's a, sometimes a narrative: Absolutely.
• 41:46
  There's a, sometimes a narrative: Absolutely.
• 41:47
  There's a, sometimes a narrative: Yeah Lisa, where can people learn more about you and get connected with you?
• 41:54
  There's a, sometimes a narrative: Get some help.
• 41:56
  There's a, sometimes a narrative: Okay, thank you.
• 41:58
  There's a, sometimes a narrative: So, if this conversation that we've had today has resonated with you the best place to start is my welcome page.
• 42:05
  There's a, sometimes a narrative: So I have a lovely welcome page that is for podcast listeners, and it's at welcome.empoweredmomentum.com.
• 42:17
  There's a, sometimes a narrative: Say it again it's welcome.empoweredmomentum.com.
• 42:24
  There's a, sometimes a narrative: So I want you to think of this page as a soft landing, not a leap.
• 42:29
  There's a, sometimes a narrative: There you can take my self-esteem reality check quiz.
• 42:34
  There's a, sometimes a narrative: This is gonna help you in just a few minutes; it's gonna help you get some real clarity to understand what your unmet emotional needs are.
• 42:42
  There's a, sometimes a narrative: What your limiting beliefs are, including imposter syndrome.
• 42:46
  There's a, sometimes a narrative: What those unhealed emotional wounds are.
• 42:49
  There's a, sometimes a narrative: And it often provides the first moment of clarity that sounds a bit
• 42:54
  like this: Oh, this explains so much.
• 42:59
  like this: You can also get a free preview of my latest book From Anxious to Empowered.
• 43:05
  like this: And you have a choice to buy any of my three published books actually.
• 43:09
  like this: You can book a conversation with me and we'll have a calm, confidential space to talk through what's really going on for you.
• 43:17
  like this: Just as a first step, no pressure, no obligation, just a chance to feel very seen and very heard.
• 43:25
  like this: And we'll discuss your best options for support in the most time efficient and flexible way for you.
• 43:32
  like this: Whether that's online or whether that's in the UK on the beautiful coastal escapes.
• 43:39
  like this: That's great.
• 43:41
  like this: Lisa, thank you so much for sharing your wisdom, your experience, and just those tools that women can begin to ask themselves today to figure out where they are at.
• 43:56
  like this: Thank you so much.
• 43:59
  like this: You're so welcome.
• 44:00
  like this: It's been lovely to meet you.
• 44:02
  like this: Lovely to, to chat to you.
• 44:03
  like this: And I really am so honored to be on your beautiful podcast, so thank you.
• 44:08
  like this: Great.
• 44:09
  like this: I will include all of your information in the show notes so that people won't lose your information.
• 44:13
  like this: They'll know exactly how to get ahold of you and start to gently remove that mask and become their authentic self.
• 44:21
  like this: Wonderful.
• 44:22
  like this: Thank you so much.
• 44:23
  like this: All right.
• 44:23
  like this: Thank you.
• 44:24
  like this: If you saw yourself anywhere in this episode, I want you to hear
• 44:29
  this clearly: you're not broken.
• 44:33
  this clearly: You're exhausted from caring a version of you that was built for survival.
• 44:39
  this clearly: Today, Lisa helped us name what so many women live with quietly.
• 44:45
  this clearly: High functioning anxiety isn't falling apart.
• 44:49
  this clearly: It's, I must cope no matter what.
• 44:52
  this clearly: In midlife, your emotional load goes up while your nervous system tolerance goes down, and suddenly the mask cost more than it gives.
• 45:05
  this clearly: And the loneliness so many high achieving women feel it isn't because you are surrounded by the wrong people.
• 45:14
  this clearly: It's often because people are only seeing the capable version of you, not the real you hidden behind the mask.
• 45:24
  this clearly: And I love the practical tools Lisa shared, especially the idea of coming back to your own island instead of living on someone else's.
• 45:35
  this clearly: That starts with small, powerful shifts, like: Pause before you say yes.
• 45:42
  this clearly: Let's something be good enough, not perfect.
• 45:47
  this clearly: Notice where you're saying yes, out of fear, not choice.
• 45:52
  this clearly: And try measured honesty, share your needs, not your trauma, name your limits, not your apologies.
• 46:02
  this clearly: And most importantly, if I'm strong for everyone else, I don't get the option to wobble.
• 46:09
  this clearly: Lisa gave you permission today to wobble on purpose, to pause, to be honest, and to replace competence with connection.
• 46:21
  this clearly: Start with one true need.
• 46:24
  this clearly: If you wanna learn more about Lisa Skeffington book a one-on-one call, take her free quiz, Your Self-Esteem Reality Check, or connect with her head on over to createthebestme.com/ep158 or click on the show notes below.
• 46:44
  this clearly: If this episode helped you, would you do me a quick favor?
• 46:48
  this clearly: Like, subscribe and share it with a friend who's been fine for a little too long and let me know in the comments what's one area where you are going to practice the pause before you commit.
• 47:04
  this clearly: Come back next week for another amazing episode, created just for you.
• 47:09
  this clearly: Until then, keep dreaming big.
• 47:12
  this clearly: Take care of yourself.
• 47:14
  this clearly: And remember, you were beautiful, strong, and capable of creating the best version of yourself.
• 47:21
  this clearly: Thank you for watching.
• 47:22
  this clearly: Catch you next week.
• 47:24
  this clearly: Bye for now.