Latest / feel your feelings with Ethan Jewell / how are you, really?

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how are you, really? · feel your feelings with Ethan Jewell

• 0:00
  How are you really? You're not just the answer that
• 0:04
  you text back to a friend when they reach out to you and not
• 0:07
  the two second answer that you've gotten really good at
• 0:09
  delivering so the conversation can move on.
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  How are you really when all the noise and distractions are gone?
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  How are you? I've been thinking about this
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  question a lot lately because for about a year, maybe longer
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  if I'm being honest, I had a version of the answer that I
• 0:29
  kept giving myself and it wasn't true and I knew it wasn't true,
• 0:35
  but I kept saying it anyway. I kept lying to myself about how
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  I am. And that's what this episode is
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  about. My name is Ethan Jewell and
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  welcome back to Feel Your Feelings.
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  When we get asked how we are, there is an answer that a lot of
• 0:51
  us have on standby. And it's not always a lie,
• 0:55
  exactly. It's more like a shortcut.
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  A shortcut to the answer that actually lies within.
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  A version of fine that is functional enough to pass.
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  Good enough that nobody follows up.
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  Good enough that you don't have to explain anything or feel
• 1:12
  anything or deal with anything right now.
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  You know, I'm OK, I'm just tired, I'm busy, but I'm OK.
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  And here's the thing about that answer.
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  It works. It's effective.
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  People accept it. Life keeps moving, you keep
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  moving. And for a while that feels like
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  evidence that maybe you really are OK because you're
• 1:34
  functioning, you're getting things done, you're showing up.
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  How bad could it really be? And that's the trap, because
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  functioning and OK are not the same thing.
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  And somewhere underneath all of the moving and the doing and the
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  lies to the answer, how are you in the showing up?
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  A quieter version of the truth is just sitting there waiting.
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  And you can outrun it for a while.
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  I did for about a year. I outran it pretty well.
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  But it's patient. The truth about how you're
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  doing, it's incredibly patient. You can keep trying to push
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  through, and that's what so many of us do.
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  So many of us are taught to just get through it, to grit our
• 2:13
  teeth and push through whatever struggle we're going through,
• 2:16
  especially when it comes to our mental health.
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  We are all guilty of doing this. I am definitely guilty of doing
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  this. Waking up knowing that you feel
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  bad and pushing through or committing to plans that you
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  don't really want to do because you need to just be taking care
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  of yourself. And granted, sometimes you have
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  to push through. I'm not going to pretend like we
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  can all just stop working forever and only take care of
• 2:37
  our mental health. That's unrealistic.
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  There is a version of pushing through that's genuinely useful.
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  When something hard happens and you don't have the time or the
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  space to fall apart right now and you hold it together, that's
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  a skill and that's real, and we all do that.
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  But that's not the only kind of pushing through.
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  There's another kind, the kind where you just keep going
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  indefinitely, and it's not because you're waiting for the
• 3:01
  right moment to deal with the hurt and the pain and the trauma
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  that you felt, but because you've convinced yourself that
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  there's nothing to deal with, that you're fine, You're
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  handling it. Other people have it worse.
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  This isn't even bad, and that kind of pushing through it, it
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  doesn't build you up, it just delays the inevitable.
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  And the inevitable will always be worse than it originally
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  could have been because it comes with interest.
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  When you ignore a feeling, when you push it down, it grows and
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  it builds and it festers. It sits with you, it eats you
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  away even when you don't realize it.
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  It's like the original feeling that you had.
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  Plus a year of not looking at it, a year of compressing it, a
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  year of building a whole identity around.
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  I'm fine, I'm managing, I don't need anything, and that identity
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  is hard to let go of, even when it's costing you everything.
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  I went back to therapy this week after four years of not going to
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  therapy, after four years of telling myself that I was healed
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  enough, that I didn't need it. Four years is a long time, and
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  in those four years, I genuinely did OK for a while.
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  I did some real work on my own. I I used what I learned.
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  And then somewhere in the last year or so, I stopped doing as
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  well. There wasn't some dramatic
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  moment. There wasn't a collapse, just
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  slow dimming. I started doing worse.
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  Old habits came back and I'm not as proud of the person that I am
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  the whole time through the last year, if you asked me how I was,
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  I would have told you that I was fine.
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  I was handling it. I'm totally OK.
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  But as I've done some self reflection, I was not handling
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  it. What I was doing was performing
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  handling it, which is a completely different thing.
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  And the gap between those two between actually handling
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  something, actually handling your feelings and performing
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  that you are is where a lot of damage happens.
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  And I don't love admitting that. I'm admitting it anyways because
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  I think there are a lot of you that are in that gap right now
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  of pretending, of putting on a show, of saying that I'm fine
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  but not actually being fine. So I want you to hear that I'm
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  right there with you and there is no shame in admitting that
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  you need a little bit extra help.
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  I didn't expect going back to therapy to feel like I failed.
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  As I parked my car and as I walked into that office, I, I, I
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  felt like a 19 year old again. I'm almost 24 and everything
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  came rushing back to me. And I thought to myself, I
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  failed. I couldn't handle it.
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  I couldn't carry this weight on my own.
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  Look at me back to square one. But after a few days of
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  thinking, I realized it's not square 1.
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  And there's no failure involved in getting a little bit of help.
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  Healing is not linear. And that's something that
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  belongs on a poster. It literally was on a poster in
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  my therapist's office. But I really want you to.
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  We hear it because we say it and we see it, but we we rarely
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  believe it. Healing is not a line that you
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  walk from one end to the other and then you're done.
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  It doesn't work that way. Life doesn't work that way.
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  You change, circumstances change.
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  New things happen that are hard in new ways.
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  Old things resurface. The version of you that needs
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  help at 23 is not the same version of you that needs help
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  at 19. And needing help again doesn't
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  cancel out the progress that you made the first time.
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  Going back to therapy isn't starting over.
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  Feeling like you're starting from square 1 isn't starting
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  over. Falling backwards instead of
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  moving forwards is not failure. It's continuing.
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  The fact that you're acknowledging that you were
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  having to start again, that you're having to try again,
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  means that you're still going. And that is so powerful.
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  The only way that that could become failure is if you
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  actually stop trying. But you know that you deserve
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  continued effort. You know that you deserve to
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  heal, even if you haven't accepted it yet.
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  And as long as you keep moving forward, you are doing it.
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  So whether you're in the thick of it right now, whether you
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  feel like you're back to square one after years of trying,
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  whether this is your first time trying right now, or whether
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  you've kind of given up and you don't know if you should keep
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  going, I want you to hear me. You deserve continued effort.
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  You deserve to keep trying even when it doesn't feel perfect.
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  You deserve a second chance, a third chance, as many chances as
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  you need to be able to heal. The work isn't wasted, you just
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  need more of it. And that's OK.
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  That's actually what it is, to take your mental health
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  seriously over the long haul, not just in the crisis moments,
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  but in in the quiet, difficult ones spent alone.
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  So I went back to therapy, yes, after four years.
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  And yes, my first instinct was that I failed, that I should be
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  further along by now, that going back was evidence that I didn't
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  do it right the first time. But healing isn't a line that
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  you walk from one end to the other.
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  It's it's the real work that you do.
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  And along with that, the failure and the setbacks as you continue
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  to work on your mental health, you've grown into a different
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  version of yourself that needs something different.
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  Going back isn't starting over. It's, it's continuing.
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  So it took me a year to finally honestly answer the question,
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  how are you to honestly look at myself and self reflect and say,
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  all right, I need a little bit more help.
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  So how do you actually ask yourself, how do you self
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  reflect to figure this out? And there's a few things that
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  helped me. And again, they're small, it's
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  always small when it comes to mental health.
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  I can't come to you with with huge life changing advice that
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  works for everybody. There is no one-size-fits-all in
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  mental health. So, so first stop the autopilot,
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  you know, check in with yourself and don't just say I'm fine, I'm
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  managing. Really check in.
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  See where that heaviness sits in your chest, in your head, in
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  your stomach, in your throat. Notice patterns.
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  If you're staying up, you can't sleep.
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  If you're eating habits have been a little bit different, If
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  you're having trouble reaching out to other people, those are
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  patterns. And then notice what you've been
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  avoiding. Not in some deep psychological
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  evaluation way, just is there something you've been keeping
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  yourself too busy to sit with, a feeling that's been hanging in
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  your head A situation? What is that thing that you keep
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  saying you'll deal with when things slow down and then say it
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  out loud to one person, Tell somebody the honest truth.
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  And that is a really hard thing to do.
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  But if you have somebody in your life that you can trust, a
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  friend, a family member or maybe a professional, anybody, tell
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  them. Or at the very least, tell
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  yourself, name it. Mental health struggle is not
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  some mystical thing that we can't identify.
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  It's real and you can identify it.
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  And then finally, when it comes time to take action, remember
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  that going back is not the same as giving up.
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  If you've been thinking of returning to therapy or starting
• 10:07
  for the first time or reaching out to somebody and you've been
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  stalling because it feels like an admission of failure, I want
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  to offer you a different frame for that.
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  It's an admission of honesty, and honesty is where the real
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  work starts. I want to remind you, I'm not a
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  doctor. I'm not a psychiatrist.
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  I'm not a professional in the mental health industry
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  whatsoever. I'm just a guy.
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  And this week I'm a guy who's starting fresh, who's going back
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  to therapy, who's admitting that he needs a little bit of help
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  and that's OK and you can do that too.
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  It is not failure. It is not going back to square
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  one. It is continuing.
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  So the next time someone asks you how you are, or the next
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  time you ask yourself, I hope you give the real answer.
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  Even just once, even quietly, even just to yourself.
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  That's where it starts. The real healing starts with
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  knowing that you deserve to heal.
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  That's going to wrap it up for today's episode.
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  Thank you so much for being here.
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  If you need help feeling your feelings, you should check out
• 11:12
  my music on all platforms under the name of Ethan Jewell.
• 11:15
  I almost guarantee it'll make you cry.
• 11:17
  Also, if you like this podcast, the best way you can support me
• 11:19
  is by getting merch. I'll link it in the description.
• 11:22
  Also, drop me a comment and let me know how are you.
• 11:25
  So thank you so much for being here.
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  Thank you for understanding that healing is not linear.
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  And as always, thank you for feeling your feelings.
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  I'll see you next time.