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Letting Go of the Need to Fix · Infinitely Precious

• 0:00
  Intro: Welcome to the infinitely precious podcast produced by infinitely precious LLC. Your host is James Henry. Remember, you are infinitely precious and unconditionally loved for the gift you already are.
• 0:11
  James: Hello. It's me, James, and we have another opportunity to reflect together on the podcast about a topic that seems important or at least arises in me for us to talk about today. As I think about something that I have been learning recently, I that was both freeing and challenging. It was my need and perhaps our need, perhaps you will experience the exact same need to let go of trying to fix everything or everyone, even yourself, even myself. The idea that we can fix things is borne out in our society when everything is broken, people purport to know how to fix those things.
• 1:09
  And I'm not saying that we shouldn't try to solve problems, but oftentimes our fixes are not really fixes. They're born out of really good intentions. Oftentimes, they're born out of love, the desire to help someone out or fix a broken what we perceive to be a broken situation they find themselves in. There's the desire to see that come to some kind of important fruition and to get them out of that what we perceive to be stuck place. So we want to fix them.
• 1:46
  With someone who is sick, we want to fix their illness, bring them back to whatever their previous state was or perhaps so that love brings us to a place where, you know, we want to help someone because of love, because of our desire to control situations sometimes. And sometimes, it's just something because of our own anxiety, because we feel anxious because of whatever we perceive to be broken and we feel like fixing it is important. Again, I'll say that there are situations in which we need to work for solutions, but oftentimes those solutions are not simple or easy fixes that we can simply adjust a knob somewhere or move something somewhere to fix things. I learned this once again. I reflected with you on this on Tuesday's podcast, but my father, my 96 year old father has been in the hospital for a couple of weeks, first ICU and then a step down unit, and now he's doing rehab to PT and OT to get back in shape before he comes home again.
• 3:15
  And in the midst of all of what was going on, I'm his medical power of attorney and was his spokesperson, I was getting lots of information synthesizing that information and wishing there were a way I could easily fix some of the challenges he was facing. And the truth is I learned over the ten days I got to be in person with him that what really was needed was not my attempt to fix anything that was broken. I did advocate for him and they and doctors and nurses and other professionals helped him move along and tried various approaches to help him in the healing process. But what my most important work was to be present with dad, to surrender in the moment to knowing I couldn't fix anything about what was happening. All I could do was really be present with that because every moment that I was distracted by the desire to fix something to change the outcome, that's what I talked about on Tuesday and they're corollaries of each other, I missed being there.
• 4:35
  Now, I don't know about he has made great physical progress, to the wonderful professionals at the hospital, But in terms of healing, that's so much bigger than whether or not we can root out whatever our medical ailments are. Healing is a whole person approach and the desire to fix things is trying to pull someone aspect out and bring it back into some form of balance that we perceive to be the correct balance, our desire to fix it, to control it, to make it better. I lived in that place and in letting go of that, I really experienced the real presence of being with dad, his having the opportunity to really be with me because I was really there in the room with him, sometimes when he was sleeping, sometimes when he was talking, sometimes when he was awake and we were silent together, sometimes when he was eating a meal. In all of those things, I was able to be present, and that was a kind of healing in itself, a healing in our relationship, in our sense of connection. I've always felt that my relationship with dad was good.
• 6:05
  There's great love and mutual respect for one another in that relationship. But this was an opportunity for us to just kind of talk about whatever was on his mind. He was always interested in how other members of the household were doing, my mom to whom he's been married for seventy years, and my siblings and my wife and my and his grandchildren, all were points of conversation. And there was just a lot of love in the room and it was experienced. Now, you know, we don't ultimately know what the outcome will be even though he's out of the hospital and doing, you know, physical therapy and occupational therapy, speech therapy to get back home again.
• 6:58
  We don't know what the ultimate outcome will be, but I do know that our relationship was made stronger by those days together without me desiring to fix and be distracted by my desire to fix. It also reminded me of something important that I think is really vital in our lives together and that is most spiritual growth comes from surrender, not control. Maybe all spiritual growth comes from surrender and not control. I can't simply will to know God better. One of my favorite verses is from Psalm 46 verse 10 in the English translation and it says, be still and know that I am God.
• 7:51
  And if you listen to that and meditate on that phrase, you aren't doing anything. You're being. Being still and being open to knowing. What's powerful about the knowing of that word is it's not in the modern intellectual sense. It is in a deeper, more intimate kind of inner knowing, a way of being present with and connecting to.
• 8:20
  It's a relational knowing. More than simply gaining knowledge for the brain, it is coming to utilize all of our senses to know this presence, the one that we would call God. Such a tiny word, three letters, that is meant to contain an infinite mystery. I'm often struck by that. So surrender is actually the gateway to growing in our spiritual journey and it's a wonderful invitation.
• 9:01
  So if you are busy trying to fix things in your life or in the life of others, and if you're like me, you probably are, I want to invite you to ponder about letting go of the desire to fix that takes you out of this moment and look for solutions. I'm not saying don't work for solutions to the big problems of this world because there are a lot and they need work. But part of that is learning to be present with more than just a fixing mind, you know, kind of letting go of the fixer in you and be present because the very thing that may begin to bring balance back to a situation may rise in the silence of you're not trying to fix it. So some things to reflect on. I want to suggest some questions that you might reflect on.
• 10:05
  What part of you feels uncomfortable when something is unresolved? You know, that's the fixer in you. What and the fixer in me. What is it that feels uncomfortable with the unresolved, like I felt when I was in the hospital with my dad for the last couple of weeks? Where might I be called to release control and trust the process?
• 10:40
  It's another good question. Where might you do that? And what does it feel like in your body to stop fixing and just be present? What does it feel like to slow down and stop and simply be where you are? What does that feel like for you?
• 11:00
  I don't know if this has been particularly helpful. Was it's certainly been one of the lessons I've been learning relearning, if you will, over the last several weeks. A reminder, I'm not a fixer. There are things that I can bring more balance to, but a lot of things are beyond my control and attempting to fix them only distracts me from being present, which may keep me from bringing the healing and the hope and the love to the moment because I'm so focused on the fixing. No matter whether or not you're fixer and you're caught up in the fixing or not, I want to remind you, you are infinitely precious and unconditionally loved for the gift you already are.
• 11:46
  Until the next time, I wish you all the very best in your letting go of fixing.