Latest / Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud / S6 Ep8: Laugh Out Loud : One in a Billion 🤣

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S6 Ep8: Laugh Out Loud : One in a Billion 🤣 · Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: A little about me.
• 0:02
  SPEAKER_00: I'm an immigrant.
• 0:03
  SPEAKER_00: I'm here to take your jobs.
• 0:07
  SPEAKER_00: Watch out, Jerry Seinfeld! No, for real, for real.
• 0:13
  SPEAKER_00: I am an immigrant.
• 0:14
  SPEAKER_00: I came to America with nine dollars in my pocket.
• 0:18
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 0:18
  SPEAKER_00: 10,000 in the bank.
• 0:24
  SPEAKER_00: But nine in the pocket.
• 0:28
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not your typical Indian woman.
• 0:30
  SPEAKER_00: This bindi, it's a PR thing.
• 0:34
  SPEAKER_00: And people ask a lot of questions about the bindi.
• 0:38
  SPEAKER_00: Why do you wear it?
• 0:39
  SPEAKER_00: Is it a jewel?
• 0:40
  SPEAKER_00: Is it painted on?
• 0:41
  SPEAKER_00: It's nothing, it's a sticker.
• 0:45
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe it's a statement.
• 0:47
  SPEAKER_00: Bindi on, ready to meet the in-laws.
• 0:51
  SPEAKER_00: Bindi off, ready for spring break.
• 1:00
  SPEAKER_00: And one question that comes up all the time is do you have to be married to wear the bindi?
• 1:06
  SPEAKER_00: Not true.
• 1:07
  SPEAKER_00: But I asked my grandma, I was like, why does this question keep coming up all the time?
• 1:13
  SPEAKER_00: And she said to me, no, no, no, no.
• 1:18
  SPEAKER_00: Just tell them.
• 1:19
  SPEAKER_00: Any woman anywhere can wear the bindi, but married women tend to wear it more.
• 1:26
  SPEAKER_00: Because when they wake up the day after the marriage, they should know where to aim the gun.
• 1:41
  SPEAKER_00: She was kidding.
• 1:44
  SPEAKER_00: I think.
• 1:46
  SPEAKER_00: So my name is Zarna.
• 1:56
  SPEAKER_00: That's not a real name.
• 1:58
  SPEAKER_00: You see, my parents messed up, they misspelled it.
• 2:02
  SPEAKER_00: It's as if I got up here and said my name was Melisabeth.
• 2:08
  SPEAKER_00: Because Jharna with a J means waterfall in Hindi.
• 2:12
  SPEAKER_00: Zarna with a Z is she's the youngest.
• 2:15
  SPEAKER_00: Let the servants name her.
• 2:18
  SPEAKER_00: No, no, oh, it's okay, I had servants.
• 2:28
  SPEAKER_00: And this permanent spelling error from the people who win every spelling B.
• 2:35
  SPEAKER_00: But I dreamt of coming to America just like Eddie Murphy.
• 2:40
  SPEAKER_00: You know, when you're outside this country looking at life in here, everything looks so much more fun.
• 2:48
  SPEAKER_00: Like people frolicking in hot tubs, jacuzzies, bubble bats.
• 2:57
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, in India you get water in a bucket.
• 3:01
  SPEAKER_00: Like there's buckets in America too, but they're filled with fried chicken.
• 3:09
  SPEAKER_00: A shower doesn't stop here until you stop it.
• 3:14
  SPEAKER_00: People fill gallons of drinkable water in a bathtub and just sit in it.
• 3:22
  SPEAKER_00: Because they're sad.
• 3:32
  SPEAKER_00: How can you not love this place and love it here?
• 3:41
  SPEAKER_00: And I worked so hard to come here.
• 3:44
  SPEAKER_00: Any immigrants in the house?
• 3:48
  SPEAKER_00: How hard is it, right, to come here for everyone except the Canadians?
• 3:54
  SPEAKER_00: No, there's always one Canadian in the room who's like, it wasn't so hard, we just drove in.
• 4:01
  SPEAKER_00: Not that guy.
• 4:02
  SPEAKER_00: But for the rest of us, the brownies, really hard to come here.
• 4:08
  SPEAKER_00: The visa, the paperwork, years of waiting.
• 4:12
  SPEAKER_00: And you get here and you find out that everybody hates everybody.
• 4:18
  SPEAKER_00: The Democrats hate the Republicans, the Republicans hate the Democrats, pro-choice, pro-life, pro-gun, MacBook Pro.
• 4:28
  SPEAKER_00: By the time I got my green card, I was like, I'm not so sure about this.
• 4:35
  SPEAKER_00: The only thing everybody seems to agree on is that everybody hates Ted Cruz.
• 4:47
  SPEAKER_00: See, he has a purpose.
• 4:51
  SPEAKER_00: So you've heard this expression, she's one in a million.
• 4:54
  SPEAKER_00: It's meant as a compliment.
• 4:56
  SPEAKER_00: Well, I'm one in a billion.
• 5:03
  SPEAKER_00: No, really, there's a billion of us.
• 5:06
  SPEAKER_00: To us, one in a million is so cute.
• 5:13
  SPEAKER_00: See, India is 1.4 billion people.
• 5:17
  SPEAKER_00: Can you even imagine?
• 5:19
  SPEAKER_00: For context, America is 400 million people.
• 5:23
  SPEAKER_00: You have to add a whole billion to that and then ask yourself how pro-life you would be.
• 5:52
  SPEAKER_00: But speaking of the Supreme Court, my favorite, my favorite judge, Judge Judy.
• 6:04
  SPEAKER_00: Because of her, I went to law school.
• 6:11
  SPEAKER_00: But I found out after I became a lawyer that you have to be a good lawyer to be appointed a judge.
• 6:19
  SPEAKER_00: And I was the worst.
• 6:21
  SPEAKER_00: I could never be neutral.
• 6:23
  SPEAKER_00: I would take my own client to the judge and be like, Your Honor, my client has robbed the liquor store.
• 6:31
  SPEAKER_00: Oh shit, no, my client has not robbed the liquor store.
• 6:36
  SPEAKER_00: Even the judge was like, Mrs.
• 6:37
  SPEAKER_00: Garth, do you know what a defense attorney does?
• 6:41
  SPEAKER_00: And I could never keep a poker face.
• 6:44
  SPEAKER_00: I would be like, but you and I both know he did it.
• 6:53
  SPEAKER_00: So I decided, you know what?
• 6:55
  SPEAKER_00: I'm gonna stay home, I'm gonna support my husband, I'm gonna raise my kids.
• 6:59
  SPEAKER_00: I was a stay-at-home mom for 16 years.
• 7:09
  SPEAKER_00: 16 years of being home with the kids full-time, I learned something.
• 7:14
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not that into them.
• 7:20
  SPEAKER_00: So I found the only job that keeps me out of the house nights and weekends.
• 7:26
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, kids aren't even allowed in here.
• 7:30
  SPEAKER_00: And I have no idea what's going on at my house right now.
• 7:35
  SPEAKER_00: There could be a meth lab.
• 7:39
  SPEAKER_00: But I've been married for 23 years.
• 7:44
  SPEAKER_00: See, this is why I love my American audience.
• 7:49
  SPEAKER_00: Because here, if you're not divorced, you're a hero.
• 7:56
  SPEAKER_00: If I say the same thing back home, I've been married 23 years, they're like, so you get married, you stay married.
• 8:06
  SPEAKER_00: Do you know how marriage works?
• 8:09
  SPEAKER_00: What do you want?
• 8:10
  SPEAKER_00: A participation trophy?
• 8:16
  SPEAKER_00: And we are very relaxed about the whole till death do us part thing.
• 8:21
  SPEAKER_00: Because we believe in reincarnation.
• 8:26
  SPEAKER_00: We are like if you're stuck with a complete dud this time, then maybe next time you get George Clooney.
• 8:42
  SPEAKER_00: But I have no complaints.
• 8:44
  SPEAKER_00: I'm married to a really nice man.
• 8:46
  SPEAKER_00: We are the perfect Indian couple, we do math for fun.
• 8:51
  SPEAKER_00: We take romantic walks in the park and discuss interest rates.
• 8:57
  SPEAKER_00: The last time we refinanced, I got pregnant with my third.
• 9:12
  SPEAKER_00: And we have three kids.
• 9:14
  SPEAKER_00: Only the oldest boy is important.
• 9:18
  SPEAKER_00: Right?
• 9:19
  SPEAKER_00: All the brown boys up front, they're nodding, right?
• 9:22
  SPEAKER_00: You get that, right?
• 9:23
  SPEAKER_00: You're like, that's why we're out on a Wednesday night, all the oldest ones here.
• 9:29
  SPEAKER_00: What young one is coming out tonight?
• 9:31
  SPEAKER_00: No.
• 9:32
  SPEAKER_00: Read the newspaper.
• 9:34
  SPEAKER_00: No, we got lucky.
• 9:36
  SPEAKER_00: We have two boys.
• 9:37
  SPEAKER_00: Woo-hoo! One girl, whatever about her.
• 9:43
  SPEAKER_00: By the way, the whole oldest boy thing is not just an Indian thing.
• 9:47
  SPEAKER_00: Look at the royal family.
• 9:51
  SPEAKER_00: That Prince William, he's got it made.
• 9:55
  SPEAKER_00: He's going to be king.
• 9:57
  SPEAKER_00: But Bichara Harry.
• 10:01
  SPEAKER_00: He couldn't even get on the British baking show.
• 10:08
  SPEAKER_00: He had to move to California to get any attention.
• 10:15
  SPEAKER_00: But my husband, he's a great guy.
• 10:17
  SPEAKER_00: You know, he went to a good college, has an amazing job.
• 10:21
  SPEAKER_00: He's what you here would call a catch.
• 10:24
  SPEAKER_00: I know this because his mother reminds me.
• 10:29
  SPEAKER_00: Every day.
• 10:31
  SPEAKER_00: And you know, and he has a superpower.
• 10:34
  SPEAKER_00: I shouldn't be so surprised because back in the day he was a chess champion.
• 10:38
  SPEAKER_00: I know what you're all thinking, chess champion.
• 10:42
  SPEAKER_00: Sexy.
• 10:45
  SPEAKER_00: So his superpower is logic.
• 10:50
  SPEAKER_00: Exactly.
• 10:51
  SPEAKER_00: What do you do with logic?
• 10:53
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe if you're stuck in an escape room someday.
• 10:58
  SPEAKER_00: But otherwise, what do you do with logic?
• 11:01
  SPEAKER_00: You know, it's as if I'm married to Clark Kent, who never becomes Superman.
• 11:15
  SPEAKER_00: Like if a big bookshelf falls on my head, do I really need him explaining to me that I put too much stuff in it?
• 11:25
  SPEAKER_00: Or if my check luggage is overweight at the airport, I need him pointing out that I took too many towels from the hotel.
• 11:35
  SPEAKER_00: Nobody needs logic.
• 11:38
  SPEAKER_00: And you know, when I first started doing this joke, he didn't like it.
• 11:43
  SPEAKER_00: He's like, I don't like this joke.
• 11:44
  SPEAKER_00: I said, but why?
• 11:46
  SPEAKER_00: You are my Superman.
• 11:47
  SPEAKER_00: He goes, how can I be Superman?
• 11:50
  SPEAKER_00: They took out all the phone boots.
• 11:53
  SPEAKER_00: Where will I change into the costumes?
• 11:58
  SPEAKER_00: By the way, what do you call an escape room in India?
• 12:01
  SPEAKER_00: Arranged marriage.
• 12:09
  SPEAKER_00: So my oldest is my daughter.
• 12:11
  SPEAKER_00: She's a freshman this year at Stanford University.
• 12:18
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you.
• 12:19
  SPEAKER_00: So when she got in, immediately I called my mother-in-law.
• 12:24
  SPEAKER_00: Two flex! Wouldn't you do that?
• 12:28
  SPEAKER_00: Wouldn't you brag about this?
• 12:30
  SPEAKER_00: And you know what she said to me, my mother-in-law?
• 12:32
  SPEAKER_00: She said to me, how good can the college be if it's taking so many girls?
• 12:39
  SPEAKER_00: You see, she is what you here would call a cunt.
• 12:56
  SPEAKER_00: But I can't complain about her too much.
• 13:00
  SPEAKER_00: Because without her, what would I get up here and say?
• 13:05
  SPEAKER_00: What would I say?
• 13:06
  SPEAKER_00: I would be like, I'm happy.
• 13:09
  SPEAKER_00: I'm fine.
• 13:11
  SPEAKER_00: I too have self-esteem.
• 13:14
  SPEAKER_00: Let's face it, without her, I would have no act.
• 13:18
  SPEAKER_00: But now my kid is in college and it's all about making friends, making friends.
• 13:22
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, why?
• 13:24
  SPEAKER_00: Make friends when you join Doctors Without Borders.
• 13:28
  SPEAKER_00: And she's like, mom, be serious.
• 13:30
  SPEAKER_00: I have to make some friends.
• 13:31
  SPEAKER_00: I said, okay, I'm gonna give you the guidelines on who you can be friends with.
• 13:36
  SPEAKER_00: You cannot be friends with any communications majors.
• 13:43
  SPEAKER_00: No sociology, no geology, no anthropology.
• 13:47
  SPEAKER_00: What even is that?
• 13:48
  SPEAKER_00: Everybody's dead.
• 13:52
  SPEAKER_00: No kids who play music, no kids who do drama, recruited athletes?
• 13:58
  SPEAKER_00: Do I even need to say the words?
• 14:03
  SPEAKER_00: And she's like, so I can't have any friends.
• 14:05
  SPEAKER_00: I said, I didn't say that.
• 14:06
  SPEAKER_00: Did I say that?
• 14:07
  SPEAKER_00: No, right?
• 14:08
  SPEAKER_00: I said, comp size, good.
• 14:11
  SPEAKER_00: Engineering, pre-med, basically all the Indian kids.
• 14:18
  SPEAKER_00: And she's like, what if I meet an Indian kid who is an art major?
• 14:22
  SPEAKER_00: I said, that doesn't exist.
• 14:25
  SPEAKER_00: And if you meet that kid, get his mother's phone number.
• 14:31
  SPEAKER_00: We might need to check on her.
• 14:32
  SPEAKER_00: She might be about to jump in front of a train.
• 14:40
  SPEAKER_00: So are we all familiar with the acronym STEM in education?
• 14:45
  SPEAKER_00: We all know what it stands for.
• 14:47
  SPEAKER_00: What does it stand for?
• 14:48
  SPEAKER_00: Science, technology, engineering, math.
• 14:52
  SPEAKER_00: So have you heard about the controversy surrounding this acronym?
• 14:56
  SPEAKER_00: They want to add art to it.
• 15:00
  SPEAKER_00: Because the artists are feeling excluded.
• 15:05
  SPEAKER_00: And they want to make it STEAM.
• 15:12
  SPEAKER_00: What are they trying to do to us?
• 15:15
  SPEAKER_00: Do they realize that if you add art to STEM, there will be no STEAM?
• 15:21
  SPEAKER_00: Do they think that the guy who invented the steam engine ran a puppet show on the side?
• 15:32
  SPEAKER_00: They think they can just disrupt the world order like that?
• 15:36
  SPEAKER_00: How would they like it if we added a spelling bee to the NFL?
• 15:51
  SPEAKER_00: But let me tell you about my 16-year-old son, so handsome.
• 15:56
  SPEAKER_00: I can show you a photo afterwards if you want.
• 16:06
  SPEAKER_00: So I follow them.
• 16:11
  SPEAKER_00: And my husband's been so impressed with me.
• 16:14
  SPEAKER_00: He's like our son is walking to school with a white blonde girl.
• 16:19
  SPEAKER_00: And you don't have a problem with that.
• 16:21
  SPEAKER_00: I told him there's nothing to worry about.
• 16:23
  SPEAKER_00: It's not like she's gonna get into a good college.
• 16:32
  SPEAKER_00: Whatever, cancel me, I don't care.
• 16:41
  SPEAKER_00: Besides, the blondes don't even get that joke.
• 16:48
  SPEAKER_00: Now my daughter called me the other day and she's like, I just met a boy.
• 16:52
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, why?
• 16:56
  SPEAKER_00: You're born here, you don't need a green card.
• 17:04
  SPEAKER_00: She's like, mom, he's really nice.
• 17:06
  SPEAKER_00: Nice.
• 17:07
  SPEAKER_00: Who needs nice?
• 17:10
  SPEAKER_00: We need rich.
• 17:13
  SPEAKER_00: And she's like, mom, hear me out.
• 17:16
  SPEAKER_00: He's an engineering major.
• 17:17
  SPEAKER_00: I said, okay, I'm listening.
• 17:21
  SPEAKER_00: He's from Connecticut.
• 17:22
  SPEAKER_00: Fine, go on.
• 17:25
  SPEAKER_00: His mom is the head of development at HPO.
• 17:29
  SPEAKER_00: I said, he's got potential.
• 17:37
  SPEAKER_00: So I have a third kid.
• 17:39
  SPEAKER_00: I forget about him sometimes.
• 17:42
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know what to say about him.
• 17:44
  SPEAKER_00: I don't really know him.
• 17:48
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, the nanny says he's perfect.
• 17:52
  SPEAKER_00: But in our house, we don't use the word nanny.
• 17:55
  SPEAKER_00: We call her auntie.
• 17:57
  SPEAKER_00: Because this way she can sit in for us at parent teacher conferences, at doctor appointments, at college graduations.
• 18:09
  SPEAKER_00: But speaking of college, I have to tell you, I have uncovered the world's biggest scam.
• 18:15
  SPEAKER_00: Did you guys know that in this country the parents don't get to decide what the kid's gonna study?
• 18:24
  SPEAKER_00: You all knew this?
• 18:27
  SPEAKER_00: I really thought when my kid goes to college, I will call the college up.
• 18:32
  SPEAKER_00: And I will say, Com sci one, com sci two, go.
• 18:38
  SPEAKER_00: She wants to have some fun.
• 18:40
  SPEAKER_00: I understand that.
• 18:40
  SPEAKER_00: Give her one class in chemistry.
• 18:47
  SPEAKER_00: It does not work that way.
• 18:49
  SPEAKER_00: They're so rude, they'd hang up on me.
• 18:52
  SPEAKER_00: So I had to call my kid and ask her.
• 18:55
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, what are you enrolled in?
• 18:56
  SPEAKER_00: What are you studying?
• 19:00
  SPEAKER_00: Are you guys ready for this?
• 19:04
  SPEAKER_00: Ceramics.
• 19:10
  SPEAKER_00: Eighty thousand dollars to learn how to make clay pots.
• 19:17
  SPEAKER_00: Do you know who else makes clay pots?
• 19:20
  SPEAKER_00: Villagers in India.
• 19:24
  SPEAKER_00: Because they have nothing else to do.
• 19:28
  SPEAKER_00: My kid is in Palo Alto, the epicenter of technology, making clay pots.
• 19:36
  SPEAKER_00: Why am I being punished, Ganesh?
• 19:40
  SPEAKER_00: Do you know how bad something has to be when the nice white guy in the audience is like, oh no?
• 19:51
  SPEAKER_00: And now I have an update on this situation, and you guys are gonna think I'm making it up.
• 19:56
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not, I'm telling you the truth.
• 19:58
  SPEAKER_00: I just found out that she's required to take a class in wellness.
• 20:08
  SPEAKER_00: So she's enrolled in meditation.
• 20:14
  SPEAKER_00: Which costs extra.
• 20:18
  SPEAKER_00: While she's meditating, I'm gonna go have a stroke.
• 20:24
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, I'm an immigrant parent in America.
• 20:26
  SPEAKER_00: It's hard for me to raise my kids here.
• 20:28
  SPEAKER_00: I'll tell you why.
• 20:30
  SPEAKER_00: Because here people like to do dangerous things just for fun.
• 20:35
  SPEAKER_00: Just for the thrill of it.
• 20:37
  SPEAKER_00: They like to go sliding down mountains, fall out of airplanes, dive into oceans, just for the thrill of it.
• 20:46
  SPEAKER_00: Back home, when I wanted to experience the thrill, I drank tap water.
• 21:02
  SPEAKER_00: Now my son wants to go bungee jumping.
• 21:05
  SPEAKER_00: Could you imagine?
• 21:06
  SPEAKER_00: My son?
• 21:07
  SPEAKER_00: My daughter, whatever.
• 21:12
  SPEAKER_00: And I said, no, you can't go.
• 21:14
  SPEAKER_00: And he goes, why not?
• 21:16
  SPEAKER_00: My friend Scott went.
• 21:19
  SPEAKER_00: Scott.
• 21:24
  SPEAKER_00: He put a photo on Instagram.
• 21:27
  SPEAKER_00: I said, Scott should go bungee jumping.
• 21:30
  SPEAKER_00: Scott has a B in math.
• 21:34
  SPEAKER_00: He has nowhere to go but up.
• 21:46
  SPEAKER_00: You want to put a photo on Instagram?
• 21:48
  SPEAKER_00: Take a picture of your GPA.
• 21:51
  SPEAKER_00: And you know the other thing that has us immigrant parents really confused is this modern parenting trend in America right now.
• 21:58
  SPEAKER_00: People try to be Friends with their kids.
• 22:02
  SPEAKER_00: Anybody know what I'm talking about?
• 22:04
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, right?
• 22:05
  SPEAKER_00: I know brown people are like, what?
• 22:09
  SPEAKER_00: No, it's a thing.
• 22:10
  SPEAKER_00: It's a thing here.
• 22:11
  SPEAKER_00: There are parents in this country right now telling their kids, don't worry about your grades.
• 22:19
  SPEAKER_00: Don't worry about your job.
• 22:22
  SPEAKER_00: You be happy.
• 22:25
  SPEAKER_00: If you are happy, we are happy.
• 22:35
  SPEAKER_00: Don't worry, be happy.
• 22:37
  SPEAKER_00: Who's heard that song?
• 22:39
  SPEAKER_00: You've heard that song?
• 22:40
  SPEAKER_00: That would never be an Indian song.
• 22:43
  SPEAKER_00: Our song would be Don't Happy.
• 22:47
  SPEAKER_00: Be worried! And there is so much to worry about.
• 22:53
  SPEAKER_00: Let me share a statistic because I'm nothing if I don't have a statistic for you.
• 22:59
  SPEAKER_00: Last year, six out of eight Spelling B champions in America were Indian.
• 23:07
  SPEAKER_00: Our community was devastated.
• 23:12
  SPEAKER_00: They were like 75%.
• 23:16
  SPEAKER_00: That's a C.
• 23:19
  SPEAKER_00: A C is for chiropractor.
• 23:28
  SPEAKER_00: That is not a doctor! And you know when I make these jokes, people ask me, they're like, how can you be so strict and old-fashioned?
• 23:37
  SPEAKER_00: You're a comedian.
• 23:38
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, but my kids don't know I do this.
• 23:42
  SPEAKER_00: I leave my house in scrubs.
• 23:53
  SPEAKER_00: My LinkedIn profile says Mount Sinai! Okay, I was kidding about that.
• 24:02
  SPEAKER_00: They do know what I do, and it's all because of Zoom.
• 24:06
  SPEAKER_00: The last few years I did a lot of shows on Zoom.
• 24:09
  SPEAKER_00: How many people here are still working on Zoom?
• 24:12
  SPEAKER_00: A little bit, right?
• 24:12
  SPEAKER_00: At least Zoom was good in the beginning, right?
• 24:16
  SPEAKER_00: Like you wore your nice shirt, you combed your hair, you look good.
• 24:19
  SPEAKER_00: Then a few months into it, you took a little bite on the side.
• 24:25
  SPEAKER_00: Then a few more months, a little drinky drinky.
• 24:31
  SPEAKER_00: Now we're like, I'm just gonna take a shower.
• 24:36
  SPEAKER_00: Keep the door open.
• 24:44
  SPEAKER_00: So I did a lot of shows for Indian families, Indian events, and in those shows, I would have a lot of Indian uncles.
• 24:53
  SPEAKER_00: Now in America, we've heard a lot about Indian aunties.
• 24:56
  SPEAKER_00: But can we take a minute and talk about Indian uncles?
• 25:01
  unknown: Yes?
• 25:03
  SPEAKER_00: So this is how the Zoom would open up with like a hundred little windows and all these Indian uncles in them looking at me like this.
• 25:14
  SPEAKER_00: As if to say, who is this woman and why is she talking?
• 25:19
  SPEAKER_00: And then while I was doing my set, the chatroom would be fired up.
• 25:23
  SPEAKER_00: You know, the chatroom that we could all read, including me.
• 25:28
  SPEAKER_00: She's not funny.
• 25:30
  SPEAKER_00: That's not funny.
• 25:32
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, maybe she's a little funny.
• 25:35
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 25:35
  SPEAKER_00: No, you can imagine these Indian uncles, right, walking around with their hands, hands behind their back, belly protruding out.
• 25:48
  SPEAKER_00: As if they're all doing hospital rounds.
• 25:52
  SPEAKER_00: But really, they're just at a garage sale.
• 25:56
  SPEAKER_00: And if you go to dinner with an Indian uncle and tip 20%, they lose their minds.
• 26:03
  SPEAKER_00: They're like, oh, no one told me I'm having dinner with Bill Gates.
• 26:12
  SPEAKER_00: So I make fun of Indian guys, but the truth is they're great guys.
• 26:16
  SPEAKER_00: Good fathers, great husbands, great providers.
• 26:20
  SPEAKER_00: You'll never see them dunking a basketball.
• 26:24
  SPEAKER_00: But they all bought Google at the right time.
• 26:29
  SPEAKER_00: No, not my husband.
• 26:30
  SPEAKER_00: No, my husband bought Dell.
• 26:34
  SPEAKER_00: Because you know who needs money?
• 26:39
  SPEAKER_00: And the Indian aunties are not off the hook.
• 26:42
  SPEAKER_00: No.
• 26:42
  SPEAKER_00: Kids here think they have it bad.
• 26:45
  SPEAKER_00: They complain about things like they're like, oh, I grew up in a rough neighborhood, Greenwich.
• 26:52
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't belong.
• 26:54
  SPEAKER_00: She was mean to me.
• 26:55
  SPEAKER_00: But do you know where I grew up?
• 26:58
  SPEAKER_00: In India.
• 27:00
  SPEAKER_00: With Indian people.
• 27:02
  SPEAKER_00: I wish I had white bullies.
• 27:06
  SPEAKER_00: I had scary Indian aunties.
• 27:10
  SPEAKER_00: This used to be my birthday.
• 27:13
  unknown: Come, come, come, come, Peter.
• 27:17
  SPEAKER_00: Pinching cheeks until the blood clots.
• 27:22
  SPEAKER_00: Who is sixteen today?
• 27:25
  SPEAKER_00: And fat and single.
• 27:30
  SPEAKER_00: Happy birthday.
• 27:33
  SPEAKER_00: And it's not like I could say to her, who is fifty-eight today?
• 27:39
  SPEAKER_00: And fatter than me.
• 27:42
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't want to die.
• 27:44
  SPEAKER_00: And now that I'm an Indian auntie, by the way, shout out to all my Indian aunties.
• 27:54
  SPEAKER_00: Out here online at home, because of you guys, I'm here today.
• 28:06
  SPEAKER_00: So my aunties will understand this, right?
• 28:09
  SPEAKER_00: When we hang out at dinner parties, the kids all assume we're talking about them.
• 28:15
  SPEAKER_00: We're not talking about them.
• 28:17
  SPEAKER_00: We're talking about the one auntie who wasn't invited.
• 28:24
  SPEAKER_00: And the kids here are so delicate.
• 28:27
  SPEAKER_00: My 16-year-old son's so handsome.
• 28:33
  SPEAKER_00: He recently asked me, he's like, Mom, are you proud of me?
• 28:37
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, proud of you.
• 28:40
  SPEAKER_00: Why?
• 28:43
  SPEAKER_00: And he goes, because I get good grades.
• 28:46
  SPEAKER_00: I said, you get good grades because we make you study.
• 28:51
  SPEAKER_00: We get you tutors.
• 28:53
  SPEAKER_00: We feed you almonds.
• 28:57
  SPEAKER_00: You should be proud of us.
• 29:08
  SPEAKER_00: You're an Indian kid who gets good grades.
• 29:11
  SPEAKER_00: That's like a Russian mom being proud that her kid is a figure skater.
• 29:17
  SPEAKER_00: Right now, the best I can give you is that I'm not embarrassed by you.
• 29:23
  SPEAKER_00: And these kids, they have no street smarts.
• 29:26
  SPEAKER_00: Like, you know, they come to me for help with their homework, and I'm like, I don't know anything, Google it.
• 29:32
  SPEAKER_00: And then he'll be like, Mom, but I have to show the work.
• 29:35
  SPEAKER_00: My math teacher wants to see the work.
• 29:37
  SPEAKER_00: I'm like, okay, Google fake work.
• 29:41
  SPEAKER_00: And my daughter, little Miss Stanford, overheard this interaction once, and she's like, Mom, how is it that you went to law school and you don't know anything?
• 29:52
  SPEAKER_00: I said, I do know something.
• 29:55
  SPEAKER_00: You have a right to remain silent.
• 30:04
  SPEAKER_00: Use it.
• 30:06
  SPEAKER_00: The truth is that my youngest, my third, is actually the smartest of my three.
• 30:11
  SPEAKER_00: I just don't have the heart to break it to him that by the time he goes to college, there's gonna be no money left.
• 30:18
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, I drop hints, I tell him, I'm like, you know what's a great university?
• 30:23
  SPEAKER_00: Devry.
• 30:26
  SPEAKER_00: And my husband, he thinks he's a comedian now.
• 30:29
  SPEAKER_00: He's like, by the time he goes to college, we're gonna have no money left.
• 30:33
  SPEAKER_00: You know what's a great place to retire?
• 30:36
  SPEAKER_00: Flushing.
• 30:40
  SPEAKER_00: Now, so I've been married, you know, a long time, and people ask me what's the secret to my long marriage.
• 30:45
  SPEAKER_00: We have a secret, it's that we have an understanding.
• 30:48
  SPEAKER_00: If we separate, he has to take the kids.
• 30:53
  SPEAKER_00: But I have to keep his mother.
• 31:00
  SPEAKER_00: So what's the point?
• 31:03
  SPEAKER_00: And sometimes we fight.
• 31:04
  SPEAKER_00: I tell him, go, go take the kids.
• 31:07
  SPEAKER_00: You know, one has a tennis tournament and another has a chess game at the same time.
• 31:12
  SPEAKER_00: Figure that out, Mr.
• 31:14
  SPEAKER_00: Logic Man.
• 31:18
  SPEAKER_00: And one has a peanut allergy.
• 31:21
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not telling you a child.
• 31:32
  SPEAKER_00: You know, I get asked if I was arranged.
• 31:36
  SPEAKER_00: I wasn't, but my sister was.
• 31:39
  SPEAKER_00: And sometimes I'm jealous because she has a 15,000 square foot house, a private plane, true story, and a dead mother-in-law.
• 31:53
  SPEAKER_00: You know, the funny thing about arranged marriages is that they almost always seem to work out.
• 31:59
  SPEAKER_00: Like my friend Kanika likes to tell her story.
• 32:02
  SPEAKER_00: She's like, You think your mother-in-law is bad.
• 32:04
  SPEAKER_00: So it turns out that 20 years ago, when she was getting arranged, her husband didn't want to marry her.
• 32:11
  SPEAKER_00: He didn't like her.
• 32:12
  SPEAKER_00: But his mother put her foot down.
• 32:15
  SPEAKER_00: And she said, no, no, no, you can't back out now.
• 32:18
  SPEAKER_00: This match is made.
• 32:20
  SPEAKER_00: We rented the elephant.
• 32:25
  SPEAKER_00: But in a few years, if you still don't like the girl, you can always set her on fire.
• 32:32
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, relax, they learn to love each other.
• 32:36
  SPEAKER_00: It even became an inside joke.
• 32:38
  SPEAKER_00: You know, they argue like all couples, and he says, Shall I get the matches?
• 32:45
  SPEAKER_00: And she says, first you'll have to find the kitchen.
• 32:57
  SPEAKER_00: So I met my husband online 25 years ago.
• 33:03
  SPEAKER_00: Not the way you guys meet today.
• 33:06
  SPEAKER_00: Like, nobody asked you up.
• 33:11
  SPEAKER_00: Nobody asked, what are your hobbies and passions?
• 33:14
  SPEAKER_00: Like, if he has a job, there should be no passions.
• 33:19
  SPEAKER_00: You're back then there were only two genders to choose from.
• 33:23
  SPEAKER_00: And if somebody asked, what's my orientation?
• 33:26
  SPEAKER_00: I said, my apartment faces south.
• 33:31
  SPEAKER_00: One time somebody asked me if I was bicurious.
• 33:34
  SPEAKER_00: I said, What are you buying?
• 33:35
  SPEAKER_00: I'm curious.
• 33:46
  SPEAKER_00: We were so naive, we acted as if there was a matchmaker, even though there wasn't.
• 33:52
  SPEAKER_00: Like he asked me if I could cook, I said, can you show me your tax returns?
• 33:58
  SPEAKER_00: He said, Can you bring some dowry?
• 34:00
  SPEAKER_00: I said, Can I interest you in some bed bath and beyond coupons?
• 34:05
  SPEAKER_00: So, in a way, we arranged ourselves, and that didn't go over well back home.
• 34:11
  SPEAKER_00: Like his mom was pissed off, my dad was upset, so you know, match made in heaven.
• 34:17
  SPEAKER_00: Neither side of the family spoke to the other side for a long time.
• 34:21
  SPEAKER_00: We refer to that as the honeymoon period.
• 34:32
  SPEAKER_00: And the thing is that I don't know what's better being arranged, falling in love, meeting online, but I do know that Americans are too obsessed with romance.
• 34:42
  SPEAKER_00: Like on this one thing, the bar is set so high.
• 34:46
  SPEAKER_00: In education, so low.
• 34:57
  SPEAKER_00: Like happily ever after, absolutely.
• 35:01
  SPEAKER_00: Calculus?
• 35:04
  SPEAKER_00: You did your best.
• 35:09
  SPEAKER_00: Enough with the fairy tales and the happily ever after.
• 35:12
  SPEAKER_00: We don't even want that.
• 35:13
  SPEAKER_00: We don't want happily ever after.
• 35:15
  SPEAKER_00: We just want a sixteen hundred on the SAT and an eyebrow threading lady who won't quit on us.
• 35:28
  SPEAKER_00: The aunties love that, right?
• 35:30
  SPEAKER_00: Eyebrow threading.
• 35:31
  SPEAKER_00: That's a real crisis where somebody fix it.
• 35:33
  SPEAKER_00: Somebody watching this, fix this.
• 35:36
  SPEAKER_00: See, we didn't grow up hearing things like sweet dreams.
• 35:40
  SPEAKER_00: We grew up hearing make money in your dreams.
• 35:45
  SPEAKER_00: And I got curious.
• 35:46
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, is this just an Indian thing?
• 35:49
  SPEAKER_00: So one time I asked a Chinese mom.
• 35:52
  SPEAKER_00: I said, Chinese mom?
• 35:58
  SPEAKER_00: Do you say sweet dreams to your kids?
• 36:01
  SPEAKER_00: And she looked at me and she said, What is a dream?
• 36:10
  SPEAKER_00: See, as immigrants, we're all the same.
• 36:12
  SPEAKER_00: We're practical people.
• 36:14
  SPEAKER_00: We're so practical that my daughter once asked me, she's like, Mom, do Indian people even love each other?
• 36:21
  SPEAKER_00: She's like, I never see you guys hold hands or kissing.
• 36:26
  SPEAKER_00: Do you even, you know.
• 36:29
  SPEAKER_00: You know.
• 36:31
  SPEAKER_00: So I told her, I said, Well, you are here?
• 36:35
  SPEAKER_00: And why do you think we pay for so many tennis lessons?
• 36:39
  SPEAKER_00: Have you ever seen us at a match?
• 36:49
  SPEAKER_00: And Indian people only wrote the ultimate book on sex.
• 36:54
  SPEAKER_00: To which she responded, we wrote Fifty Shades of Grey.
• 37:00
  SPEAKER_00: No, we're practical people.
• 37:02
  SPEAKER_00: We've never even had a candlelight dinner.
• 37:04
  SPEAKER_00: Why would we?
• 37:05
  SPEAKER_00: We came to America for the electricity.
• 37:10
  SPEAKER_00: But I love it here now.
• 37:12
  SPEAKER_00: Everything Indian is hot right now in America.
• 37:14
  SPEAKER_00: Have you guys realized that?
• 37:16
  SPEAKER_00: Like Ayurveda, turmeric, living with your parents.
• 37:30
  SPEAKER_00: Here people bend over backwards to accommodate me.
• 37:34
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes I have to tell them relax, don't offer me chai tea.
• 37:39
  SPEAKER_00: You don't know what it is.
• 37:43
  SPEAKER_00: And putting a tea bag in apple cider is not chai tea.
• 37:48
  SPEAKER_00: Besides, we came here so we could order from a list of nine lukewarm coffee drinks.
• 37:54
  SPEAKER_00: That all taste the same.
• 37:56
  SPEAKER_00: But don't invite me to meditate.
• 37:59
  SPEAKER_00: I'm already going broke on meditation.
• 38:03
  SPEAKER_00: And I have to tell them sometimes.
• 38:05
  SPEAKER_00: I'm like, what do you think will happen when you go to India?
• 38:09
  SPEAKER_00: You think you're gonna get ice cubes?
• 38:14
  SPEAKER_00: You think you're gonna get ranch dressing?
• 38:19
  SPEAKER_00: You think you're gonna get a toilet seat?
• 38:25
  SPEAKER_00: Where do you think you are, the rich skull?
• 38:28
  SPEAKER_00: You think you're gonna get bike lanes?
• 38:31
  SPEAKER_00: Bike lanes, they don't have car lanes! See, New Yorkers think they're so tough.
• 38:40
  SPEAKER_00: I tell them, go to Calcutta for one day.
• 38:44
  SPEAKER_00: New York will feel like a fun little village.
• 38:50
  SPEAKER_00: And you know, whoever said it takes a village has never been to a village.
• 38:57
  SPEAKER_00: I remember when I watched a brown comic for the first time, you know, one of these Indian American kids born and raised here, and they were complaining about their overbearing, difficult to please parents.
• 39:10
  SPEAKER_00: I realized, I was like, oh, I'm who they're talking about.
• 39:14
  SPEAKER_00: You know, we have a nickname for these kids.
• 39:17
  SPEAKER_00: We call them A, B, C, Ds.
• 39:21
  SPEAKER_00: What does it stand for?
• 39:22
  SPEAKER_00: American born confused daisies.
• 39:28
  SPEAKER_00: What it should stand for is always bitching and complaining dum-dums.
• 39:42
  SPEAKER_00: Because God, they whine about everything.
• 39:46
  SPEAKER_00: It's like, oh, our parents made us go to medical school.
• 39:50
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, we don't want you working for T-Mobile.
• 39:56
  SPEAKER_00: We weren't allowed to go to summer camp.
• 39:59
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, and you weren't molested.
• 40:07
  SPEAKER_00: We're not allowed to marry who we want.
• 40:09
  SPEAKER_00: No, you can't marry that waitress with a neck tattoo.
• 40:14
  SPEAKER_00: And you didn't even agree to go on one date with my friend's daughter Priyakaparya.
• 40:21
  SPEAKER_00: And these kids, they think we don't know anything.
• 40:24
  SPEAKER_00: We're so old-fashioned.
• 40:26
  SPEAKER_00: They have a nickname for us.
• 40:28
  SPEAKER_00: They call us FOBs, which stands for fresh off the boat.
• 40:35
  SPEAKER_00: What it should stand for is full of Benjamins.
• 40:50
  SPEAKER_00: Because guess who's gonna subsidize the ceramics?
• 40:57
  SPEAKER_00: And we don't know anything.
• 40:59
  SPEAKER_00: We don't know anything.
• 41:00
  SPEAKER_00: It's just a complete coincidence that every CEO in the world right now is Indian.
• 41:09
  SPEAKER_00: Microsoft, Google, Twitter, Starbucks.
• 41:12
  SPEAKER_00: Like, and some white guys in there too, but I forget their names.
• 41:16
  SPEAKER_00: But it's just a complete coincidence.
• 41:18
  SPEAKER_00: You think those CEOs chose their own majors?
• 41:33
  SPEAKER_00: You think those CEOs spent their summers swinging on a tire?
• 41:41
  SPEAKER_00: You think their parents ever said to them, Don't worry, be happy?
• 41:47
  SPEAKER_00: And what do these kids want us to say to them?
• 41:50
  SPEAKER_00: Go be a DJ.
• 41:54
  SPEAKER_00: Be a YouTuber.
• 41:57
  SPEAKER_00: UPS is always hiring philosophers.
• 42:01
  SPEAKER_00: Start practicing now.
• 42:03
  SPEAKER_00: What can Brown do for you?
• 42:07
  SPEAKER_00: But there is one aspect of American parenting that I really respect.
• 42:12
  SPEAKER_00: It's how they handle their gay kids.
• 42:14
  SPEAKER_00: Like our community is lagging behind.
• 42:17
  SPEAKER_00: We have a lot of catching up to do.
• 42:19
  SPEAKER_00: You know, my cousin's son just came out, and that family was not supportive at all.
• 42:24
  SPEAKER_00: They were like, not in our household, not in this family, and I called my cousin up.
• 42:29
  SPEAKER_00: I said, you cannot talk to your son like this.
• 42:32
  SPEAKER_00: You're gonna lose him.
• 42:37
  SPEAKER_00: And my husband was so impressed with me.
• 42:41
  SPEAKER_00: He's like, your cousin's son is gay, and you don't have a problem with that.
• 42:46
  SPEAKER_00: I told him, it's not my kid.
• 42:47
  SPEAKER_00: What do I care?
• 42:58
  SPEAKER_00: So guess who stalks me on TikTok?
• 43:02
  SPEAKER_00: My mother-in-law.
• 43:04
  SPEAKER_00: No, she really does, and I tell her, can you not stalk me, please?
• 43:08
  SPEAKER_00: She's like, I'm not stalking you.
• 43:10
  SPEAKER_00: I go, you're only following one account.
• 43:15
  SPEAKER_00: At least follow Priyanka Chopra Patel Brothers something.
• 43:21
  SPEAKER_00: And you know, I go live on TikTok.
• 43:23
  SPEAKER_00: Guess who comes on right after me?
• 43:26
  SPEAKER_00: I'm like, can you get off?
• 43:27
  SPEAKER_00: I'm going live to talk shit about you.
• 43:33
  SPEAKER_00: This is just for her.
• 43:34
  SPEAKER_00: You guys feel free to stalk me.
• 43:36
  SPEAKER_00: I'm at Zarnagar, okay?
• 43:40
  SPEAKER_00: This is just her.
• 43:41
  SPEAKER_00: You know, my mother in law, she lives in India, but she comes to America for three months at a time.
• 43:48
  SPEAKER_00: It's like she has her own season, winter is coming.
• 43:55
  SPEAKER_00: And when she's coming, she'll ask me what I can bring for you.
• 44:00
  SPEAKER_00: And I'll tell her, pack a gun, bring some cocaine, throw some mangoes in the bag.
• 44:12
  SPEAKER_00: I give her such great ideas and yet she breezes past security.
• 44:20
  SPEAKER_00: And she doesn't speak much English, so she gets nervous to fill out that immigration paper that you have to fill to enter the country.
• 44:28
  SPEAKER_00: I tell her, I'm like, don't worry about the immigration paper.
• 44:33
  SPEAKER_00: Just check yes on everything.
• 44:38
  SPEAKER_00: Are you a communist?
• 44:40
  SPEAKER_00: Yes! Are you a terrorist?
• 44:43
  SPEAKER_00: Yes! Are you bringing fruits and vegetables?
• 44:48
  SPEAKER_00: Yes! Do you think she is on a criminal watch list?
• 44:54
  SPEAKER_00: No.
• 44:55
  SPEAKER_00: She gets a wheelchair and a priority pass.
• 44:58
  SPEAKER_00: The agent at the gate says, thank you so much for coming.
• 45:02
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to America.
• 45:03
  SPEAKER_00: I know welcome to America.
• 45:05
  SPEAKER_00: Where are the go back to your country people when I need them?
• 45:18
  SPEAKER_00: So I'm Hindu, you guys, any Hindus in the house?
• 45:22
  SPEAKER_00: Hi, homies.
• 45:24
  SPEAKER_00: My people?
• 45:26
  SPEAKER_00: So I'm a reasonable, moderate Hindu.
• 45:29
  SPEAKER_00: You have to specify that in the world we live in right now.
• 45:32
  SPEAKER_00: It's just not my fault that it's the best religion out there.
• 45:38
  SPEAKER_00: Right?
• 45:39
  SPEAKER_00: The other religions seem so angry and organized.
• 45:44
  SPEAKER_00: Like Christianity, confess before you die or else.
• 45:49
  SPEAKER_00: Judaism, you took an elevator on a Friday night.
• 45:55
  SPEAKER_00: No chicken soup for you.
• 46:00
  SPEAKER_00: Buddhism, so much chanting.
• 46:03
  SPEAKER_00: Even the Dalai Lama is like, I heard you yesterday.
• 46:10
  SPEAKER_00: Not gonna go there.
• 46:15
  SPEAKER_00: The Hindus are like, eh.
• 46:19
  SPEAKER_00: Do the best you can.
• 46:22
  SPEAKER_00: That's why we have reincarnation.
• 46:25
  SPEAKER_00: Carpet DM or not.
• 46:29
  SPEAKER_00: So I'm what I like to call Hindu light.
• 46:33
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, we celebrate Diwali, but I do take out.
• 46:37
  SPEAKER_00: Why am I gonna cook for three days?
• 46:39
  SPEAKER_00: My mother-in-law's not here to spy on me.
• 46:42
  SPEAKER_00: My little one, my little son, goes to Hindu Sunday school, but I drop him and I go get mimosas with my friends.
• 46:52
  SPEAKER_00: So I'm Hindu light, but my brother who lives back home, he's a believer.
• 46:58
  SPEAKER_00: He goes to the temple every day in Mumbai, and every day he facetimes me from the temple.
• 47:05
  SPEAKER_00: And he points the phone at Ganesh and he says, Quick ask what you want from God today.
• 47:13
  SPEAKER_00: How sweet, right?
• 47:14
  SPEAKER_00: My brother, he's thinking about me.
• 47:16
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm a good person.
• 47:18
  SPEAKER_00: I ask for nice things.
• 47:21
  SPEAKER_00: Like cure cancer, end hunger, world peace.
• 47:26
  SPEAKER_00: But every day, some days I get selfish.
• 47:33
  SPEAKER_00: Some days I'm like, how about an air fryer?
• 47:40
  SPEAKER_00: Or a comedy special.