Latest / Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud / S2 Ep25: Babies? In This Economy?! Rants 🤣

Transcript

S2 Ep25: Babies? In This Economy?! Rants 🤣 · Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_01: It took me 45 years to get on don't tell.
• 0:05
  SPEAKER_01: But I stick with this shit.
• 0:09
  SPEAKER_01: I stick with it.
• 0:10
  SPEAKER_01: There's no plan B for me.
• 0:13
  SPEAKER_01: You know what am I gonna do at my age?
• 0:16
  SPEAKER_01: Teach?
• 0:17
  SPEAKER_01: What am I gonna teach?
• 0:18
  SPEAKER_01: How to be a failure?
• 0:22
  SPEAKER_01: That's right, that's the proper response.
• 0:25
  SPEAKER_01: Not much of one.
• 0:28
  SPEAKER_01: I drive uh I'm not a failure at all.
• 0:31
  SPEAKER_01: I I say that to make you feel at ease.
• 0:36
  SPEAKER_01: You know what I mean?
• 0:38
  SPEAKER_01: You must look at me and go, holy shit.
• 0:42
  SPEAKER_01: Look at that fucking outfit.
• 0:47
  SPEAKER_01: People ask me, Eddie, how do you stay so hot at your age?
• 0:53
  SPEAKER_01: And the answer is accessorizing.
• 0:59
  SPEAKER_01: It's all about the hat and the glasses.
• 1:02
  SPEAKER_01: If I take this shit off, look at this.
• 1:05
  SPEAKER_01: I look like a guy looking for ointment in a pharmacy at midnight.
• 1:10
  SPEAKER_01: You ever been in a pharmacy at midnight?
• 1:14
  SPEAKER_01: It's the village of the dam.
• 1:17
  SPEAKER_01: People like me looking for ointment.
• 1:20
  SPEAKER_01: Set is going great, isn't it?
• 1:23
  SPEAKER_01: People like me looking for ointment.
• 1:29
  SPEAKER_01: As a child, I would make fun of the people in the ointment aisle.
• 1:33
  SPEAKER_01: I would run into the ointment aisle and go, ointment assholes! I wasn't a witty kid, but I got my point across.
• 1:46
  SPEAKER_01: That's what I look like.
• 1:47
  SPEAKER_01: Or a guy in front of the knee brace section.
• 1:51
  SPEAKER_01: You ever see the people in the knee brace section in a pharmacy?
• 1:57
  SPEAKER_01: They have a torn ACL and they're like, maybe this$30 knee brace will do the trick.
• 2:07
  SPEAKER_01: You know, there was a brief, it's good.
• 2:09
  SPEAKER_01: Arms crossed looking depressed.
• 2:12
  SPEAKER_01: They always put them right up front as well.
• 2:16
  SPEAKER_01: They want to chip away at the little self-esteem I have left.
• 2:23
  SPEAKER_01: It's like my father sent you.
• 2:35
  SPEAKER_01: My dad died recently.
• 2:38
  SPEAKER_01: Which is good because I don't have to listen to.
• 2:42
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, how much did you get paid for that gig?
• 2:46
  SPEAKER_01: Go fuck yourself.
• 2:49
  SPEAKER_01: I cremated him immediately.
• 2:56
  SPEAKER_01: I don't even think he was dead yet.
• 3:00
  SPEAKER_01: I just said to the funeral guy, do it! I don't give a shit.
• 3:07
  SPEAKER_01: He's not alive.
• 3:13
  SPEAKER_01: God, you know, the set's going so good, and it's a big set for me.
• 3:19
  SPEAKER_01: Very nice tattoos.
• 3:20
  SPEAKER_01: I'm thinking of getting a tattoo.
• 3:25
  SPEAKER_01: Let me finish this story.
• 3:28
  SPEAKER_01: I'm thinking of getting a tattoo.
• 3:30
  SPEAKER_01: I think they're sexy, but I've never had one, but I'm older.
• 3:34
  SPEAKER_01: I'm like, what's an age-appropriate tattoo?
• 3:37
  SPEAKER_01: And I came up with it.
• 3:38
  SPEAKER_01: Check this out.
• 3:39
  SPEAKER_01: I'm thinking of getting shut up.
• 3:42
  SPEAKER_01: Always during my set, things start falling.
• 3:47
  SPEAKER_01: The drugs finally kick in with the crew.
• 3:51
  SPEAKER_01: It's the crew.
• 3:55
  SPEAKER_01: They're so high.
• 3:57
  SPEAKER_01: But they get through everybody but me.
• 4:07
  SPEAKER_01: People collapsing all around me.
• 4:10
  SPEAKER_01: I'm used to it! But I was thinking of getting an age-appropriate tattoo.
• 4:16
  SPEAKER_01: I was thinking of getting a cup of chamomile tea.
• 4:22
  SPEAKER_01: And the steam is like under my nipple and over my nipple.
• 4:27
  SPEAKER_01: And then I was thinking of getting just a little subtle PBS logo.
• 4:37
  SPEAKER_01: Does anybody watch that fucking station anymore?
• 4:42
  SPEAKER_01: They could just show cocks on that station.
• 4:45
  SPEAKER_01: And there wouldn't be any complaints, just cocks.
• 4:50
  SPEAKER_01: It's fun just saying that word.
• 4:53
  SPEAKER_01: Because I can't get an erection anymore.
• 4:57
  SPEAKER_01: I can.
• 4:58
  SPEAKER_01: I had surgery, prostate surgery.
• 5:01
  SPEAKER_01: And my said to my urologist, how do I get an erection?
• 5:04
  SPEAKER_01: He said, the best I can tell you is have your partner dress up like a bunny.
• 5:14
  SPEAKER_01: It doesn't matter.
• 5:16
  SPEAKER_01: I lure people into my I lure people.
• 5:20
  SPEAKER_01: I lure people into my 2600 elements.
• 5:25
  SPEAKER_01: That's what I drive in Los Angeles, a 2600 element.
• 5:30
  SPEAKER_01: And a lot of women think it's a 2007.
• 5:34
  SPEAKER_01: Because I keep it nice.
• 5:38
  SPEAKER_01: And nobody's the wiser.
• 5:44
  SPEAKER_01: I lure them in, the women, with food because they don't eat in LA.
• 5:49
  SPEAKER_01: I have like they're all trimming down for parts that don't exist.
• 5:58
  SPEAKER_01: It's sad out there.
• 6:01
  SPEAKER_01: I was just running from fires for the last fucking months.
• 6:08
  SPEAKER_01: I'm not built for that kind of thing.
• 6:11
  SPEAKER_01: I'm a couch guy.
• 6:15
  SPEAKER_01: They sent us alerts to evacuate immediately, and then about an hour later, when I have both my animals in the crate, and I'm talking about the wife and no.
• 6:28
  SPEAKER_01: That was a cheap joke because I feel like you deserved it.
• 6:34
  SPEAKER_01: I feel like you're nothing to me.
• 6:37
  SPEAKER_01: You're nothing to me.
• 6:39
  SPEAKER_01: With your little faces, your young faces.
• 6:44
  SPEAKER_01: You don't know what life's about.
• 6:46
  SPEAKER_01: Look at me.
• 6:48
  SPEAKER_01: And this is when I'm dressed up.
• 6:52
  SPEAKER_01: Life has beaten the shit out of me.
• 6:57
  SPEAKER_01: And I kind of try to avoid it the whole time.
• 7:03
  SPEAKER_01: I didn't fucking jump head first into life.
• 7:08
  SPEAKER_01: Anyway, I love to um I make most of my money participating in clinical trials.
• 7:21
  SPEAKER_01: You should try it.
• 7:22
  SPEAKER_01: They just try all kinds of shit out on you.
• 7:25
  SPEAKER_01: They're like, put this nasal spray in your ass.
• 7:31
  SPEAKER_01: It's mostly done on prisoners.
• 7:34
  SPEAKER_01: But I owe a lot of a lot of parking tickets.
• 7:38
  SPEAKER_01: That should have got a bigger laugh.
• 7:42
  SPEAKER_01: You're dead to me now.
• 7:45
  SPEAKER_01: So I have to wear all this shit because when I put this back on, look at this.
• 7:50
  SPEAKER_01: I'm fucking Judy Garland.
• 7:54
  SPEAKER_01: I'm Judy Garland.
• 8:02
  SPEAKER_01: You're a great crowd, and if I weren't blanking up here, I'd really have a good strong finish.
• 8:11
  SPEAKER_01: But that's what happens when you hit a certain age.
• 8:14
  SPEAKER_01: You know how many shows I've done?
• 8:17
  SPEAKER_01: Thousands of shows, mostly for circus people.
• 8:24
  SPEAKER_01: That was my niche audience, people who were battered and abused by alcoholics who got shot out of cannons and were in little onesies wrestling.
• 8:40
  SPEAKER_01: I want to be a cruise ship comic.
• 8:43
  SPEAKER_01: Because those audiences are horrific.
• 8:46
  SPEAKER_01: They're just like on a cruise eating.
• 8:49
  SPEAKER_01: They're brain dead.
• 8:51
  SPEAKER_01: They're on a cruise eating.
• 8:53
  SPEAKER_01: And I'm just up there going, why are people still having children?
• 8:59
  SPEAKER_01: Has anyone glanced at a news report on a scientific study?
• 9:07
  SPEAKER_01: Don't you love every new scientific study that comes out says, oh, we were wrong.
• 9:12
  SPEAKER_01: The end, the ocean currents are reversed.
• 9:18
  SPEAKER_01: Sorry.
• 9:19
  SPEAKER_01: People don't give a shit though when I talk about environmental catastrophe.
• 9:24
  SPEAKER_01: You're all like, fuck it, a new macaroon shop opened up.
• 9:29
  SPEAKER_01: What the fuck do I care about the rising ocean?
• 9:34
  SPEAKER_01: You don't feel like I do.
• 9:37
  SPEAKER_01: I'm an artist.
• 9:39
  SPEAKER_01: I don't know what the fuck you do.
• 9:44
  SPEAKER_01: You go home, you put on Hulu Plus.
• 9:49
  SPEAKER_01: You diddle each other till you come.
• 9:53
  SPEAKER_01: I don't come anymore.
• 9:56
  SPEAKER_01: But I still have game.
• 9:58
  SPEAKER_01: I still I still have game.
• 10:02
  SPEAKER_00: When you don't get an erection, you still I still go to Raves.
• 10:08
  SPEAKER_00: I still go to Raves.
• 10:09
  SPEAKER_00: I'm like, what's up?
• 10:10
  SPEAKER_00: What's up?
• 10:16
  SPEAKER_00: You look frightened good.
• 10:18
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, you young girl, just like, ah, what do I do with this?
• 10:27
  SPEAKER_01: You're used to older people being like your father.
• 10:30
  SPEAKER_01: Respectable bullshit.
• 10:33
  SPEAKER_01: Your father is just playing a role.
• 10:36
  SPEAKER_01: Me, if I had children, never did, and I was right not to.
• 10:42
  SPEAKER_01: You people are gonna be fleeing things soon.
• 10:46
  SPEAKER_01: That's right.
• 10:48
  SPEAKER_01: What do you tell a small child now?
• 10:51
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, little Julie, you're gonna learn how to gather your documents in under 30 seconds.
• 11:02
  SPEAKER_01: I love speed dating.
• 11:06
  SPEAKER_01: I love speed dating.
• 11:10
  SPEAKER_01: And I'm not talking about going to table, to table, meeting people and getting to know them quickly.
• 11:17
  SPEAKER_01: I'm talking about you go on a date with someone and you both do speed.
• 11:22
  SPEAKER_01: And you start fucking robbing liquor stores and convenience stores.
• 11:30
  SPEAKER_01: You lose weight over a week.
• 11:38
  SPEAKER_01: All right, everybody, thank you very much.