Latest / Walking Manifestator Podcast- Aligning Mindset with Spirituality / 129: You Can’t Give Everything Your Everything
Transcript
- Alexa: Sometimes the hardest part of being a mother, an entrepreneur, a woman with ambition is feeling like someone is getting less of you or something that you're working on is getting less of the time, the attention, the energy that it needs in order for it to grow. When you're working, you might feel like you need to be with your children. When you're with your children, now you feel like you need to get work done. And today I want to talk about the expectations that we put on ourselves that actually affect us because now what ends up happening is that we are ourselves creating these restraints that are holding us back, and we're limiting ourselves. By guilt. We're limiting ourselves by saying the thing that I'm focusing on right now shouldn't be the thing that I'm focusing on. And we're not practicing presence in that moment, meaning we're always wasting time, especially for ambitious people. You're always thinking about the future. You're never really enjoying the present moment that we have, which is allowing you to actually build the things that you want. So the expectations that keep us from actually growing is that a lot of the times we often tell ourselves that if we aren't doing everything perfectly, that we're falling behind. But our time, our energy, our attention, it has limits. And when I give more attention to one part of my life, something else is going to receive less attention in that moment. And we have to learn how to be honest about that. Something that has really been a common theme in my life has been that I have very big ambition and very big goals, and I want to do everything. There's a lot of things that I want to focus on, that I want to have my hands in, that I want to be able to learn more about. And if you're someone that can relate to that. Maybe you're someone that's like, Alexa, I I want to start a business and I'm tired of my regular job that I have and I want to really grow in this other area, but I don't feel like I have enough time. Or I have my kids, I have my husband, I have my partner, and I feel like if I am just focusing on my spare time. On my goals, that I'm being a bad mother mother, that I'm being a bad, you know, a partner, I'm being a bad friend. And we guilt ourselves into these beliefs of saying, if I'm not doing everything, then I'm failing at everything. And I've had to realize that. When I'm focusing on something, when I'm giving that something my attention, by default, there's something else that is going to have less weight, that is going to carry less of my attention because I'm focusing on that one thing. And I'll use a very simple example for now, but I'm making this podcast right now. And I know that I have other things that I want to do. I have other things that I'm thinking about. Okay, I need to make sure that I have everything ready for my appointments today. I earlier I spent the whole morning at my kids' activities, fun fitness activities at school. And I literally just got done the past hour. So now I'm trying to get, you know, everything situated. And then I have to still do my training class for my trading. Lessons that I'm learning. And there's a lot that starts to overwhelm the person if you just focus on everything that you have to do. Because once again, you're not focused on just what's right in front of you. So something that I've learned to be more mindful about is when you're doing something, focus on what you're doing. And I I'll use a little actually like a little cheat sheet that helps me a lot to stay in the present moment, especially when when I'm with my kids, because with my kids, sometimes it can become something that it's easy to take for granted because they're always there. And I'm going to be super vulnerable here because if you're not willing to say it, I'll be willing to say it. We've all thought of things that we're like, man, like I'm kind of like wasting my time right now. I'm not doing the thing that I could be doing that could be helping the family X, Y, and Z, right? And I've realized that when I changed my mind to say, my gosh, I don't have as many weekends as I think I do with my kids. At one point, my kid is going to go to college and I'm going to be praying that he wants to come and spend time with me. And I did the math because one of my mentors was actually sharing this exercise. And he said, Count how many weekends you have left with your children. And and you can use this with your family members, you can use this with people that you care about. But it ties into why you can't do everything. And I promise you it's gonna make sense in just a second. But he was telling us, he's like, Okay, use an actual example of how many weekends you have left. And my son is 10, so I did the math the math and I was like, Holy, I only have about 390 weekends left with my child. And of course, like God forbid, you know, like anything ever happens as far as like that being cut short and prematurely because I know life is not guaranteed. But when you think about it from that perspective, It makes me want to make sure that I nurture that relationship with my kids and that when I'm with my kids, I'm with my kids. So this is something that we need to learn how to recognize the difference so that we can make that correction when we need to release the impossible expectations that we set on ourselves of if I'm a good mom, that means that I should always be there for my kids. And for example, this weekend, we have four games going on. So Zion has back. Basketball games and he's gonna have two of them. Alexander has two soccer games, and then he has another one on Saturday. So the whole weekend is pretty much gone. And when I think about that, I'm like, okay, I still have clients that I need to get with, I still have other things that I need to take care of for my business. That can become very daunting if I set the expectation that I have to do everything. And when I just release control and I say, you know what? I am okay with the fact that I'm not going to get to go to both of those games if it comes down to it. Because I can be at two places at once, first of all. So it's either gonna be I go with one of my kids or the other of my kids, and then the other kid is going to have to understand that, well, mom had to go to the other kid's game as well. Okay, so that's that's lesson number one there. And I have to be okay with understanding that that doesn't make me a bad mom. And that Goes hand in hand with you and your life. There's some expectations that you're setting in your life that you're saying, like, well, if I don't have the business generating this amount of money by this time frame, then I'm a failure. Why not just set a measurable input, aka something that you can measure that you're doing every day, so that by default, you can have an output that is going to be the Result of the input that you've been doing. So if you go to the gym every day and you're eating clean and you're taking care of yourself, by definition, you're giving a good input into your body, therefore, you're going to have a good output. Your body's going to feel stronger. You're going to feel like you have more energy. X, Y, and Z, right? So now we need to be okay with choosing what season we're in. There are some seasons when putting food on the table. Is going to take priority. There are some seasons when your children are going to take priority. There are some seasons where our health is going to take responsibility and I'm sorry, is going to need responsibility from us and we're going to need to make it a priority. There's always going to be a season. And once we can understand that there's a season, And I I can already hear one Karen maybe thinking, like, that means that you don't take care of your kids on all the seasons. Like, what about mom? That's the problem with the society that is trying to tell us that we're wrong for not doing everything perfect when that's a lie. Like, if Karen is just there taking care of her kids, I promise you, and this is just so you can give yourself the grace that you deserve. If Karen is just there, the mom, the PTA mom that's always there doing everything for her kids, that's great for her. But if she's judging you for not being there, okay, that actually means that in some way, shape, or form, you're actually outperforming Karen. Because guess what? That's where a lot of women, they lose themselves with their kids, they're always there for their kids. Their kids leave, and now they're like, I don't know what to do with my life. I, I, I don't know myself. I don't recognize myself. I lost myself and my kids. So, this is why we need to learn not to judge other people and where they're at in their season. Because I've been in seasons where I had to work. Like there were seasons where no matter what, I needed to make sure that I was at the call center. I needed to make sure that I was going because no matter how little the money was, I needed to make sure that I was bringing it back home. And there were moments where I had to rely on my grandparents for them to help me with my kid because at that time, that's just what it was. And nobody should be shaming you for the season that you're in. And if they're shaming you, those people don't deserve to be in your life. That's like rule number one here. There's also seasons when We need to intentionally invest in the things that we want to do to create the family that we want. Like right now, I've shared this with you guys because I'm very proud of that achievement. And I feel like sometimes as a society, we wanna put other people down for their achievements because we see them as evil or as a flex. No, I want you to share with me your achievements because that actually inspires me. That gives me the fuel to say, my goodness, if they can do it, why can't I? So I've shared that I'm at a season where if I wanted to stop working for the full year, I could. And I think that The only reason I was able to make this happen is because there was a season where I couldn't do that. There was a season where I had to grind and I would go to sleep super late and I would wake up super early and that's just what it was. And there's going to be seasons like that ahead where it's not just because she has enough in her bank account that she doesn't have to go through that season again. No, those things happen and you need to give them the priority that they deserve because if you're trying to build something or you're trying to get out of a situation or you're trying to get out of debt or You're trying to get into the college that you want, there is by default going to be a trade-off. That's why the cost of success sometimes is a price too high to pay for some people because they're like, nah, I rather be chilling at home. And we're not immune to that. And I think that this is something that, again, the more that we understand how our brains work, the easier it is for us to actually say, okay. I'm not going to guilt myself over the fact that I'm exhausted today and all I want to do right now is just go back home and lay down. But that is also why it's equally as important to be aware of it. Because if you make that a habit, again, input, input, input, the output is going to become shit. So something that we need to understand is that. There's like psychological frameworks that are proven that a lot of the times, if we aren't careful about them, become a self-fulfilling prophecy. So if you're thinking in a pattern and you're constantly judging yourself, right? You're a failure, you're worthless, you are never enough. Maybe in motherhood it sounds like I missed the game, I wasn't there for my child. Maybe in business it's something like I didn't get everything that I wanted to get done today, so I'm not disciplined enough. Those statements are leaving so much information out. And the more complete thought is I missed something that mattered and I Definitely acknowledge that, but I also showed up for my children in many meaningful ways. And you know what? Tomorrow I'm going to plan how I can execute some of the things that I'm still pending. That is more useful than calling yourself a failure, which is just keeping you stuck. The other day my son comes home and he's like, Mom, I got good grades. I got all A's. I'm so proud of myself. And of course I was proud of him. But also I want him to know that like that's just what I expect. Like I'm not going to like celebrate you for not getting into a fight today, right? And not being a bully. Like that's just the expectation. So I was like, I'm really proud of you. That's good. And then I noticed that he was like a bit bummed out the other day. And then I was like, What's up? And well, that same day, but later. He's like, well, it's because you just weren't as excited about my my good grade. actually no, he brought me his A honor. I'm looking at it right now. he brought me his A honor roll the next day. And I was like, babe, I'm so proud of you. And I gave him a hug. And then he was like, it looks like you're more excited about the certificate than my A honor roll that I told you yesterday that I got. And I was like, no, I'm equally as excited, but you're showing me the certificate right now, so I'm like celebrating you. And to make the long story short, he ends up telling me that he felt a bit sad because he was comparing himself to what maybe his other friends' moms were buying their friends, right? So I was like, let me ask you this, babe. Like, do I do stuff for you all the time? And he already knows, like, we talk about this constantly. He's yes, mom, you do. And I was like, okay. I was like, look, every day, Monday through Thursday, I'm taking you to your trainings. Saturdays, Fridays, if you have games, I'm there and it's happening. If you are down because you lost, or you're happy because you guys won, I always make it a point to celebrate you, to buy you sushi, to do something for you special. On the weekends, we always spend time together. And I'm like listing everything that I do for him on the day-to-day. I'm like, I have you clean water, clean clothes, food on the table. I was like, so just because I'm not buying you this big gift, this moment when you got a good grade, doesn't mean that I don't celebrate you every day. And there's a lot of people, and I did tell him this, I was like, there's a lot of people that it's kind of like Valentine's Day. One day out of the year, they buy their wife, their girlfriend, this magnificent gift, but 365 days or 364 days, they're not doing that for them. I would take the small actions every day versus one big gift once a year. And this is the realization that I want you to start like priming yourself to understand, which is like, don't be so hard on yourself for one day that you didn't get the output that you wanted or the input. Okay. Maybe you stop using someone else's standards, right? Someone else's beliefs, someone else's perspective of what is normal, what is okay, what is acceptable. And this is something that social media is designed to make you compare yourself to other people. Social media is designed to make you, and I just want you to be very aware of this because it's so impactful. Like once you see it, you can't unsee it. It's designed to make the industry that sells things to you to essentially buy stuff. Now, once you can understand that the industry is doing its very best to make you believe that you need the next item, the next brand. That makes you stay in the rad race. That makes you believe, okay, well, in order for me to be happy, I need to have that house that this person influencer just posted. Or in order for me to be happy, I need to buy this outfit. Like the other day I was realizing I was like, my goodness, like I haven't been shopping in a long time. And if I'm honest with you, I'm just like, it's because it's so like, I don't want to go shopping. I don't want to go and buy stuff that like I'm gonna be in love with for that. Time frame. I'm gonna wear it for a couple of like months, and then I'm not gonna like it anymore. And then I'm gonna donate it. And then I'm I'm like, no. And there's a lot of things that like it's my go-to's. Like you'll see me a lot of times in those outfits. And you could see in my closet right now a bunch of clothes that I don't use. And why is that relevant? Because again. Once we can understand that we need to appreciate where we're at, you can appreciate another woman's choices while making choices that fit your own responsibilities, your own values, your own ambitions. You get to acknowledge and enjoy your work, your ambition, your growth without having to compare yourself to someone else. You take ownership and admitting and accepting the responsibilities that you have chosen in this season of your life. And this is like my last points that I want to make right now is that your God-given gift is tied into the thing that is waking you up right now. And if you haven't found it, if you feel like Alexa, I'm behind, this other person is already doing this thing and I'm not doing this thing, you're comparing yourself again. Sit down and I want you to just journal. Like, what are the things? Before you go into anything else, like what are the things that really inspire you? What are the things that right now require your focus that require your attention? Before you decide that you're falling short, just assess what season are you really in right now? And what is going to require your attention? What are you expecting from yourself that realistically Is unrealistic, right? Like you're like, I want to grow the bakery and I wanna grow the social media influencer account and I wanna grow the portfolio over here and I wanna take care of my kids and I wanna be there for every game. It's like, sorry, girl, something has to give. Because if not, it's gonna be your health. Like that is a real thing that happens. And when you understand that. You want to also understand: is this guilt pointing to a commitment that I need to repair or an expectation that I need to reconsider? Okay, because a lot of the times we have these expectations, these commitments that don't actually match our values and what we're doing on the day-to-day. Like someone can say, I want financial freedom, but if every single day they're shopping online, You're not working toward it. I'm sorry, but you're still a consumer at that point. And trust me, I'm I'm I'm raising my hand right there with you because I've worked a lot on that and I've gotten a lot better about it. But we're human and sometimes we just have to continue to check the input. And are your choices actually moving you toward the evidence that you want to see? Because a lot of the times, again, we say we want to have this like wholesome family, but then If you're not spending time with your family, that's not necessarily a priority. And what you're doing is that subconsciously you're not happy because you have unrealistic expectations. You keep telling yourself, yes, I really want to have a great family, but you're not really prioritizing that. It's the same as saying, like, I really want to be in a relationship, but you're working all the time. You're not really taking time to go on dates. It's like, do you really prioritize that? Like I can answer that right now, and I could say, no, that's not a priority for me to have a relationship. My season right now is to build and be with my kids. That's like my season. That's my, my, my goal. That's the thing that really inspires me. And when the time is right, if I decide, you know what, like I'm going to proactively go and become more available for it. And when I've done it, it's, it's, it's worked wonders. Like when I'm like, you know, making eye contact and all this stuff, like I get hit up. But when I'm like more like focused tunnel vision, like I don't even look left and right at the gym because I'm just like focused on myself, it closes those opportunities and you don't even realize it. Because again, if you're not conscious about your actions, subconsciously you're sending a signal all the time. So I want you to get very crystal clear on this and I want you to put this into practice. Pick one of the priorities for the season, and I want you to say, why does it matter? Decide. What you can realistically give to that life. And I want you to be very specific with your commitment and what you're going to be doing every single day to follow that priority that you chose. And also something that's very important is that you want to communicate with other people what to expect from you and give yourself permission to either ask for help or set boundaries. And we're gonna make another video about people pleasing tendencies because this really ties into how you could be saying yes to things that you really want to say no to. And that could be keeping you actually stuck. Like if you're signing up for things that you really shouldn't be signing up for right now in this season of your life, that could be affecting you. Or if you're doing things that you're like, actually, like I should have said no to going out that weekend, but because I didn't want to be perceived as an a-hole, I said yes, that could be affecting you. And I want you to just get very clear and set a date to check in with yourself again. Have your priorities stay solid with what you said you were going to be doing, or have they changed? And if they changed again, let's reassess. You need to understand that it's okay to recognize that you're learning how to be whatever you're trying to be. Right. For me, it's like I'm learning how to be a better loving mother. I'm learning how to be a better business owner. I'm learning how to be a woman that follows her desires. And living that lifestyle requires making a choice and committing to it and resolving. Resolving meaning that no matter what happens, you're going to figure it out. So Remember that if nobody has told you this, you're loved, you're worthy, and you can absolutely manifest anything you want. So with that being said, thank you for hanging out with me today. And I hope this conversation was valuable for those of you that are interested in listening to anything else that we're going to be talking about. Follow our account. We're also going to be posting some educational insights on our Instagram. So if you're not following us there yet, please do. And yeah, that's that's pretty much all for today. So thank you for hanging out. Talk to you on the next one.