Latest / Stuff Mom Never Told You / Happy Hour #160: So You Say You're Ace?

Transcript

Happy Hour #160: So You Say You're Ace? · Stuff Mom Never Told You

0:05
Speaker 1: Hey, this Sanny and Samantha, and welcome stuff.
0:07
Speaker 2: I never told you protection to buy Heart Radio, and
0:18
Speaker 2: welcome to another edition of Happy Hour. I have to
0:23
Speaker 2: admit I'm a little thrown because my days are just
0:27
Speaker 2: so off and so but anyway, we're recording this on
0:32
Speaker 2: a day. I'm just confused. But anyway, if you are
0:40
Speaker 2: drinking or whatever you're choosing to do, please do so responsibly.
0:43
Speaker 2: These are just times to wind down. Samantha, are you
0:48
Speaker 2: sitting on anything? Are you doing it responsibly?
0:51
Speaker 3: I'm being responsible with some bubbly water because I'm already sleepy.
0:55
Speaker 3: I can't stop yawning. I just I'm like, I'm not
0:58
Speaker 3: sure what's happening. Maybe it's at the mid afternoon, you
1:01
Speaker 3: know moment where everything feels like it's crashing.
1:07
Speaker 2: Yeah, we are recording later than we normally record, that
1:10
Speaker 2: is true.
1:11
Speaker 3: But yes, I'm keeping responsible with some water. Get myself
1:14
Speaker 3: hydrated like a hydrated queen.
1:16
Speaker 2: Nice, thank you, I've got my red wine. Yes, I'm
1:21
Speaker 2: very excited about it. All right, So this is going
1:26
Speaker 2: to be a quick update episode. I think on just
1:31
Speaker 2: me being ace because if you're listening to this chronologically,
1:39
Speaker 2: you haven't heard the episode yet. But we did a
1:41
Speaker 2: wonderful interview with Alison Raskin, who has written a lot
1:48
Speaker 2: of books about mental health and romance and relationships and
1:54
Speaker 2: has a romantic comedy book coming out and has just
1:59
Speaker 2: done a lot. She's done a lot in that space,
2:02
Speaker 2: and I have to say, when I was preparing for
2:09
Speaker 2: that interview, I got very nervous because I realized I
2:14
Speaker 2: still get nervous, like if it will come up like
2:19
Speaker 2: people don't believe I'm asexual, or they don't believe it's
2:21
Speaker 2: a thing, or if I'll doubt everything I know about myself.
2:27
Speaker 2: Because I've said I feel really comfortable in that identity
2:30
Speaker 2: now people who know me have accepted it generally, and
2:35
Speaker 2: the people who don't I don't really care about. And
2:38
Speaker 2: that's a whole other thing. But I just want to
2:42
Speaker 2: say she was in her books. She even had a
2:45
Speaker 2: whole section that was like, no, I can't speak to
2:48
Speaker 2: this experience, that's not what this is about, but it
2:51
Speaker 2: acknowledging it existed, and it was just really relieving. But
2:56
Speaker 2: because I was so relieved, I was shocked at how
2:58
Speaker 2: nervous I was that I would get to some point
3:03
Speaker 2: in the book and I would be like oh no,
3:05
Speaker 2: which can be a you know, we do vet everybody
3:08
Speaker 2: who comes on here, but sometimes you can't know completely
3:11
Speaker 2: for sure. Just again to say she was fabulous and
3:14
Speaker 2: I should I wish I had put at the top
3:17
Speaker 2: that she recognized that, or just some kind of acknowledgement
3:22
Speaker 2: that she recognized that. But it made me stop and think, wow,
3:27
Speaker 2: I'm still very insecure in some ways about it. And
3:34
Speaker 2: it was also fascinating that I read her two of
3:42
Speaker 2: her books before we did the interview, and they are
3:47
Speaker 2: all about all the facets of romantic relationships. There's some
3:51
Speaker 2: stuff about you know, platonic relationships or business relationships as well.
3:56
Speaker 2: But it was both validating and kind of like shocking
4:02
Speaker 2: how much I was like, Wow, this is not my
4:04
Speaker 2: experience at all. This is not what I was experiencing
4:10
Speaker 2: at all.
4:11
Speaker 1: And so it made me feel like, Okay, yes you were.
4:16
Speaker 2: This old time and she's very clear, and it like
4:19
Speaker 2: she's very clear. Not everybody experiences romance the same way.
4:24
Speaker 2: That's kind of the whole thing, but just in the
4:27
Speaker 2: general vibe, I was like, Nope, that was not what
4:31
Speaker 2: I was feeling. That's not what I was going for me.
4:36
Speaker 2: And it, like I said, it did kind of made
4:39
Speaker 2: me feel it made me feel a little validated because
4:41
Speaker 2: it's like, Okay, yes, that was not me. It also
4:46
Speaker 2: made me feel a little guilty because I I think
4:53
Speaker 2: I assumed in some instances that I understood why people
4:58
Speaker 2: were reacting the way they were, and I don't think
5:02
Speaker 2: I did.
5:04
Speaker 1: I don't think I did at all. And I thought
5:07
Speaker 1: that I knew that.
5:08
Speaker 2: But it was really it was really eye opening to
5:13
Speaker 2: me to read it and be like, Okay, so in
5:18
Speaker 2: this past relationship, I was perhaps really misinterpreting this whole thing,
5:24
Speaker 2: and not just on a relationship level, but on I
5:29
Speaker 2: don't even understand that level. Almost I was having all
5:36
Speaker 2: these like I say in the episode, I cried. I
5:41
Speaker 2: felt I felt both seen and like I should. I
5:47
Speaker 2: wish I had seen other people in my life because
5:51
Speaker 2: I didn't. That's just not how I That's just not
5:53
Speaker 2: how I.
5:54
Speaker 1: Experienced the world, and I wanted to.
6:00
Speaker 2: That was the other thing that made me kind of
6:03
Speaker 2: sad when I read it is that I wanted to
6:07
Speaker 2: so badly, and I remember in high school just trying
6:11
Speaker 2: so hard, and I've kind of made myself very sexual
6:14
Speaker 2: at one point because I felt so asexual that I
6:18
Speaker 2: was like, I'm gonna going overboard so no one will
6:23
Speaker 2: question me. But I just didn't feel it, and I
6:28
Speaker 2: was trying really hard to and so it was a
6:31
Speaker 2: strange experience reading it where I just.
6:37
Speaker 3: Was.
6:37
Speaker 2: It was eye opening, but it was also a reminder
6:44
Speaker 2: of how isolated I felt in some ways, of like
6:50
Speaker 2: trying to fit in in some ways. And we had
6:55
Speaker 2: the interview went long, which you will hear, and there
6:59
Speaker 2: was a question I had that said, if we have time,
7:03
Speaker 2: I would love to talk about this, and hopefully we
7:05
Speaker 2: can have Alison back and we can talk about it.
7:07
Speaker 2: But she had a whole thing in there about just
7:11
Speaker 2: that really illustrated to me kind of some differences about
7:17
Speaker 2: breakups and the need to be in a relationship are
7:19
Speaker 2: the very much wanting to be in a relationship versus me,
7:24
Speaker 2: And it was just so different, And it was very
7:30
Speaker 2: because she was saying like she's felt guilt for basically
7:36
Speaker 2: being shamed her wanting to be in a relationship as
7:39
Speaker 2: if she's not an independent woman, and I was like,
7:41
Speaker 2: I've felt the exact opposite shame of I'm not in
7:45
Speaker 2: one and don't want to be in one, and it's
7:48
Speaker 2: sort of a damned if you do, damned if you don't.
7:50
Speaker 2: So I would love to have that conversation with her.
7:53
Speaker 2: But it was just it was really it made me
7:57
Speaker 2: think about a lot of stuff, and like I said,
8:01
Speaker 2: I feel very confident in it now, but it was.
8:07
Speaker 1: I was so nervous.
8:10
Speaker 2: That it would come up and be like that's not
8:11
Speaker 2: a real identity, or there's something wrong with you. You
8:14
Speaker 2: need to go get something checked out, or and none
8:19
Speaker 2: of that happened. It was all me. It was all
8:22
Speaker 2: me doing this to be one hundred percent clear, but
8:28
Speaker 2: I don't know. It was just it was I still
8:31
Speaker 2: am going, still learning, still trying to go through this.
8:46
Speaker 3: I think it's interesting when it comes to trying to
8:49
Speaker 3: figure out what the norm is. And again we talk
8:51
Speaker 3: about tropes and expectations as adults or growing to be
8:55
Speaker 3: an adult, and our ideals as teenagers too becoming that adults,
9:01
Speaker 3: and we really have to navigate what that means to us.
9:03
Speaker 3: Because I did not get into dating and relationships until
9:06
Speaker 3: I was in my late twenties, and I didn't have
9:09
Speaker 3: much of relationships until I was in my thirties mid thirties,
9:13
Speaker 3: and that was all things in part to online dating,
9:16
Speaker 3: because for me to meet people. Was really hard. I
9:19
Speaker 3: don't know why, it just was for me. And then
9:22
Speaker 3: like my current relationship was because we lived near each
9:26
Speaker 3: other and it just happened that way. We built a
9:28
Speaker 3: relationship that way. But like I was with you in
9:32
Speaker 3: that same manner of like, I'm not normal. Why am
9:35
Speaker 3: I not dating? Why am I not seeing tons of people?
9:37
Speaker 3: I've never been in a deep, committed along relationship college,
9:41
Speaker 3: never dated people at all, somewhat religious background as well,
9:45
Speaker 3: but like it also made me feel stunted, and I
9:48
Speaker 3: was like, this is all my attachment issues and trauma
9:50
Speaker 3: and all these things. And then growing older than like
9:53
Speaker 3: watching everybody who was going through some good relationships put
9:58
Speaker 3: a lot more bad relationships that I was like, oh
10:01
Speaker 3: I'm good, and people like so many people going through
10:06
Speaker 3: divorces and I'm like, eh, I'm even better now, I'm good.
10:09
Speaker 3: And then having children and having a really messy divorce
10:12
Speaker 3: and not that children are a problem because I love children.
10:15
Speaker 3: I should really think they're so sweet and cute, and
10:17
Speaker 3: I love hanging out with really like cute children. I
10:20
Speaker 3: raise some for a while, you know, But like at
10:23
Speaker 3: this point I'm like, yeah, no, that was not this
10:25
Speaker 3: is not for me. This has never been for me,
10:27
Speaker 3: and I've gotten old enough that I don't care enough
10:31
Speaker 3: about other people's opinions of that. But and also the
10:35
Speaker 3: people in my life have seen the bad versions of that,
10:40
Speaker 3: if that makes sense, Like they've watched, like, you know,
10:43
Speaker 3: their children going through divorce or they've gone through horrible
10:45
Speaker 3: divorces or really messy stuff, and they're like, yeah, no,
10:48
Speaker 3: don't do it. If you don't want to, if that's
10:50
Speaker 3: not something absolutely that you want, don't do it. And
10:53
Speaker 3: it's kind of one of those like, in hindsight, I'm
10:57
Speaker 3: feel grateful that I didn't have to go do that,
11:00
Speaker 3: But definitely, during those times, I felt as if I
11:03
Speaker 3: was so abnormal and so weird and that unlovable. I
11:07
Speaker 3: thought I was unlovable and that feels like such a
11:11
Speaker 3: curse in these things, you know, and then growing into
11:15
Speaker 3: oh no, that was okay, I'm actually okay, not having
11:21
Speaker 3: experienced all of that until I was older and felt
11:25
Speaker 3: a little more secure about myself.
11:28
Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, And I mean that's one of the things
11:33
Speaker 2: we talk about in this upcoming episode, is that realization
11:37
Speaker 2: of I'm okay, but I still want x y Z,
11:42
Speaker 2: or maybe I don't want X y and Z and
11:46
Speaker 2: this is something that I have long thought, But that
11:51
Speaker 2: whole idea of finding the relationship it's going to fix you, right,
11:58
Speaker 2: I just don't think that's a hellal thing. I think
12:00
Speaker 2: that's I think it's fair to say relationship, a good relationship,
12:06
Speaker 2: you're going to help each other or whoever is involved.
12:10
Speaker 2: But I don't think you should be looking for this
12:13
Speaker 2: will fix me right personally.
12:18
Speaker 3: Okay, that's kind of what I've come to discover being
12:22
Speaker 3: in this long term relationship that I've been in. It's enjoyable.
12:27
Speaker 3: I enjoy his company, and we had to wade through
12:31
Speaker 3: some really tough conversations. We don't necessarily fight a lot.
12:35
Speaker 3: We don't do like the dramatic up and downs, which
12:38
Speaker 3: I'm really grateful for because I am a non confrontational person.
12:41
Speaker 3: I have discovered this very non confrontational until I blow up,
12:46
Speaker 3: and then I blow up like it just is one
12:49
Speaker 3: of those and I'm like, I don't like those moments.
12:51
Speaker 3: I don't want those moments. And you see all these
12:54
Speaker 3: relationships where they talk about if there's not passion and fighting,
12:56
Speaker 3: and I'm like, oh, yeah, I don't think you understand
13:01
Speaker 3: what that is compared to like how exhausting that can
13:05
Speaker 3: be and how emotionally draining that can be for most people,
13:09
Speaker 3: and that a lot of the times finding friendship and comfort,
13:13
Speaker 3: but also finding the boundaries of like he's not my
13:16
Speaker 3: whole world. I can live without him. I know that
13:19
Speaker 3: I can, like I've done it. But at the same time,
13:22
Speaker 3: he makes it better or the partner makes it better.
13:24
Speaker 3: That's the difference, you know what I mean. Like, yeah,
13:27
Speaker 3: and the fact that we don't drive each other crazy.
13:29
Speaker 3: Every now and again, we have moments with each other.
13:33
Speaker 3: I know he can complain about me and I can
13:35
Speaker 3: complain about him. But then in the end it's kind
13:37
Speaker 3: of like also funny, like if I couldn't laugh at
13:40
Speaker 3: my own stuff and his stuff, then I think that's
13:43
Speaker 3: where we have a problem. But again, like we're still
13:47
Speaker 3: as much as we're together, we're still very separate. Like
13:50
Speaker 3: we have separate so many separate things that I feel
13:53
Speaker 3: like works for us. It's kind of like that conversation
13:56
Speaker 3: about people who sleep in different bedrooms and everybody's like,
13:59
Speaker 3: oh my god, there is no norm. Like I think
14:02
Speaker 3: when you start breaking that, you start finding yourself and
14:05
Speaker 3: finding out that it doesn't like maybe you were meant
14:08
Speaker 3: to be in a relationship. It's wonderful, but it's not
14:10
Speaker 3: your typical You might sleep in separate bedrooms and it
14:13
Speaker 3: works wonderfully because you have your own space that you need.
14:16
Speaker 3: Like for a lot of people, they need that, and
14:19
Speaker 3: it's a beautiful thing. For some people they don't need that,
14:22
Speaker 3: and that's also a beautiful thing. Some people need weddings
14:25
Speaker 3: or want weddings and marriages and the togetherness what's wonderful,
14:30
Speaker 3: you know. Like I think one of the things about
14:32
Speaker 3: that interview we had was like we had very three
14:34
Speaker 3: different distinct people in this moment. Like she knew she
14:38
Speaker 3: wanted to be married, and I think that's amazing and
14:40
Speaker 3: I love that, but like she also had to work
14:43
Speaker 3: through what that meant for her and her identity and
14:46
Speaker 3: realizing that shouldn't be her whole identity. Like she loves
14:49
Speaker 3: it as a part of who she is in her life,
14:51
Speaker 3: but it's not what makes her. For me, that's not
14:54
Speaker 3: my part of my identity. But I do enjoy my relationship,
14:57
Speaker 3: and this is wonderful, and I don't know how, Like
15:00
Speaker 3: I hope a less forever that would be wonderful, Forever
15:02
Speaker 3: mine forever as and like until I die. But if
15:05
Speaker 3: it doesn't, I'll.
15:06
Speaker 1: Be okay, He'll be okay, you know, like.
15:09
Speaker 3: He'll be painful and all those things and any other relationships,
15:12
Speaker 3: and I feel like there's no regret in our relationship.
15:15
Speaker 3: Where we're at is wonderful, you know. And for her,
15:18
Speaker 3: that's like when she talked about, yeah it's spoiler alert,
15:23
Speaker 3: some rough patches and her previous relationships, you know, And
15:27
Speaker 3: then that's for you too. It's like a lot of
15:29
Speaker 3: things that you took you a minute to figure out. Oh,
15:31
Speaker 3: but I don't need I don't need this, and if
15:35
Speaker 3: I did, it wouldn't look like this, And that's wonderful
15:38
Speaker 3: because then that's when you were like, huh, this feels easier.
15:43
Speaker 1: Yeah.
15:54
Speaker 2: You know. The interesting thing too, was nothing is a monolith.
15:59
Speaker 2: There are plenty of asexual people who have relationships who
16:03
Speaker 2: are married. So this is very much my personal experience,
16:07
Speaker 2: I want to say, and I'm not even like.
16:10
Speaker 1: Writing that out for now.
16:13
Speaker 2: It looks unlikely right now, but I'm not even like,
16:16
Speaker 2: you know, saying it's not a possibility. But I did
16:19
Speaker 2: have a conversation with somebody who is friends with someone
16:23
Speaker 2: else who's a sexual, and she was kind of asking
16:27
Speaker 2: me these questions that it was. It was a little
16:29
Speaker 2: funny because it was like, I'm not the authority on
16:33
Speaker 2: what a sexual looks like, but it what she was
16:37
Speaker 2: telling was so different. Like this this person she was describing,
16:41
Speaker 2: I'm like, Oh, that is not my experience at all.
16:46
Speaker 2: So it's that's fascinating too, like the fact that there
16:51
Speaker 2: are all these ways these things can manifest. And of
17:00
Speaker 2: course for me, I'm like, if that's how she is,
17:05
Speaker 2: that's how she is, Like I don't know her. Some
17:11
Speaker 2: it's just it's hard when you want to find the camaraderie,
17:20
Speaker 2: but you also don't want to exclude people like I
17:23
Speaker 2: don't want to make anybody feel like, oh, that's not
17:25
Speaker 2: what it is sexuality is, because that's wrong. That's wrong,
17:29
Speaker 2: it's completely wrong. But that also brings me to another
17:33
Speaker 2: point that I think I'll talk about more in depth later,
17:36
Speaker 2: but even at like Pride events, I get nervous that
17:40
Speaker 2: I'll get dismissed or people be like, Oh that's not
17:45
Speaker 2: that's not what this is, and that's not what it
17:52
Speaker 2: should be.
17:53
Speaker 1: That's not how it should be.
17:54
Speaker 3: And I mean, this is why it's a spectrum, like
17:57
Speaker 3: everything's very much your self related. Your own past, your
18:02
Speaker 3: own reactions. You're like, you're what you're comfortable with, and
18:05
Speaker 3: that's the way it should be. And I think the
18:07
Speaker 3: problem for years has been that it's been argue that
18:12
Speaker 3: this is the way it's supposed to be and it's
18:14
Speaker 3: no rigidity, and like even like people who terse like
18:19
Speaker 3: that's that same level of conversation that that's on there
18:22
Speaker 3: that they're like, no, I as a lesbian will not
18:25
Speaker 3: allow yeah, a trans woman to come in here, like
18:30
Speaker 3: or I as a straight woman, or I as a
18:32
Speaker 3: woman in general, like this in just like forgetting what
18:37
Speaker 3: this is and how why these movements were important to
18:40
Speaker 3: begin with, why feminism was important to begin with. It
18:42
Speaker 3: wasn't just it is for voting. It is for the
18:44
Speaker 3: basic human rights, but basic human rights meaning you become
18:48
Speaker 3: who you truly are.
18:51
Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, it's just a yeah, it's something I'm still
18:58
Speaker 2: still thinking about and working through, and I know a
19:03
Speaker 2: lot of us are. I don't even think that's necessarily
19:07
Speaker 2: relegated to when it comes to relationships, at least to
19:12
Speaker 2: these people. But also I want to be clear, I
19:18
Speaker 2: I feel like a lot of the things I'm talking
19:19
Speaker 2: about people before me have experienced forever, So I acknowledge
19:25
Speaker 2: that it's It was just really interesting to read this
19:28
Speaker 2: book and be like, Okay, wow, this.
19:32
Speaker 1: Is not lining up with the hell.
19:37
Speaker 3: When it comes to identity and trying to figure like
19:39
Speaker 3: trying to fit in, it does feel really difficult when
19:43
Speaker 3: it's like, HM's what is it?
19:46
Speaker 2: Yeah?
19:47
Speaker 3: Oh, and then you start you start asking a lot
19:49
Speaker 3: of questions. But again, come in but the mature part
19:53
Speaker 3: is realizing, Oh, but that's different experiences and we may
19:57
Speaker 3: come to a similar connclusion, but we had different paths
20:01
Speaker 3: and that's what makes this so wonderful in that we
20:05
Speaker 3: are human.
20:07
Speaker 2: Yeah, I'm really glad I read it. I'm I'm really happy.
20:11
Speaker 2: I feel like I understand some things a little bit better.
20:16
Speaker 2: I won't delay in texting back as much. Oh oh no,
20:24
Speaker 2: I'm only said my kidding.
20:25
Speaker 1: There was just a there was a thing in there
20:27
Speaker 1: about it. I'm really bad about it. So, oh my god.
20:33
Speaker 2: But yeah, I'm I'm glad that I know this other
20:38
Speaker 2: experience that is not mine better because I thought I
20:41
Speaker 2: did because you see it all the time in media.
20:43
Speaker 2: But of course media gets it wrong very often or
20:48
Speaker 2: has a fun take on it, which is fine, but
20:50
Speaker 2: if you start to take that as reality.
20:53
Speaker 3: Right, And that's the problem, especially because when you see
20:56
Speaker 3: that in like not necessarily books, but like when we
20:59
Speaker 3: see it in like TV's as such, is also from
21:02
Speaker 3: a perspective of someone who probably doesn't I've never experienced
21:05
Speaker 3: it either, and has assumptions.
21:08
Speaker 2: Yes, exactly, and then we take on those assumptions, and
21:12
Speaker 2: then they become what we think, this is how this
21:15
Speaker 2: thing should look like. But yeah, it was. Sometimes it's
21:21
Speaker 2: a really nice part of this job. Sometimes it's a
21:23
Speaker 2: painful part of this job. But to know that your
21:26
Speaker 2: mind can still be I'm still absorbing information and I'm
21:29
Speaker 2: still like, okay, let me think about this. That okay,
21:34
Speaker 2: that's a new thing for me, right. So yes, thank
21:37
Speaker 2: you listeners, Thank you Samantha for Jordan being on this
21:42
Speaker 2: the word salad about my thoughts after reading this book.
21:47
Speaker 2: But I had a lot of thoughts about it. And
21:51
Speaker 2: you will hear the episode with Alison soon unless you
21:55
Speaker 2: listen to this out of order and you might have
21:57
Speaker 2: already heard it.
21:58
Speaker 1: I don't know. It could be either. It could be either, but.
22:02
Speaker 2: Yes, in the meantime, if you have any thoughts about this,
22:04
Speaker 2: if you would like to contact us, you can you
22:07
Speaker 2: can email us at Hello at Stuffwenever Told You dot com.
22:11
Speaker 2: You can also find us on Blue Sky at bombs
22:13
Speaker 2: Up podcast, or on Instagram and TikTok at stuff We
22:16
Speaker 2: Never Told You. We're also on YouTube. We have a
22:18
Speaker 2: tea public store, and we have a book you can
22:20
Speaker 2: get wherever you get your books. Thanks as always too,
22:22
Speaker 2: our super produced Christine are Exective, Christin Maya and our
22:25
Speaker 2: contributor to Joey. Thank you and thanks to you for
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Speaker 2: listening Stuff Will Never Told You Books of iHeart Radio.
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