Latest / The World Knowledge / Lessons from People Who Never Quit

Transcript

Lessons from People Who Never Quit · The World Knowledge

• 0:00
  Speaker 1: Well, good evening, listeners. Thank you so much for coming
• 0:03
  Speaker 1: on and taking time to listen to Lamenta Vogue podcast,
• 0:07
  Speaker 1: another episode for you. And today, it's a special one
• 0:12
  Speaker 1: for me because my mom, she was a mom in
• 0:17
  Speaker 1: her late 30s, early 40s because she struggled with infertility.
• 0:21
  Speaker 1: So it took her 12 years to have me. And
• 0:24
  Speaker 1: then shortly after me, she had my sister. group announcements,
• 0:30
  Speaker 1: like you just mentioned are really overwhelming as opposed to
• 0:33
  Speaker 1: just one-on-one because one-on-one I, they found just much more
• 0:39
  Speaker 1: manageable to like control how they were feeling, but group emotion,
• 0:44
  Speaker 1: you know, group announcement is just so like everyone's staring.
• 0:48
  Speaker 1: It's like so much pressure that they found it a
• 0:50
  Speaker 1: lot more painful in some ways or harder to control
• 0:56
  Speaker 1: their reaction than it was to just, if like someone
• 0:59
  Speaker 1: came up to you one-on-one and was like, Hey, I'm pregnant,
• 1:01
  Speaker 1: you know, and in that one moment, you could just
• 1:03
  Speaker 1: be present with that person. I don't know. Did you
• 1:06
  Speaker 1: experience that or was it hard either way?
• 1:09
  Speaker 2: I definitely experienced that. I would say that that is,
• 1:12
  Speaker 2: that's a great way for someone, because a lot of
• 1:14
  Speaker 2: people don't really know how to talk to you when
• 1:16
  Speaker 2: you have infertility, especially when you're not someone dealing with infertility.
• 1:21
  Speaker 2: And so being in that situation where they either come
• 1:24
  Speaker 2: up to you personally, like alone and be like, Hey,
• 1:26
  Speaker 2: like wanted to let you know, I wanted to be sensitive.
• 1:29
  Speaker 2: Like this is my, I'm pregnant. I'm due this time,
• 1:32
  Speaker 2: that kind of thing. It allows me to be at
• 1:34
  Speaker 2: that moment with you personally of like, I know that
• 1:38
  Speaker 2: you care for me so much and I care for
• 1:40
  Speaker 2: you so much. Like it's a mutual thing that we
• 1:43
  Speaker 2: can share together versus in a group setting where everyone
• 1:46
  Speaker 2: is either like screaming and happy and it's loud and
• 1:49
  Speaker 2: it's overwhelming like you're saying. So yeah, I would definitely
• 1:53
  Speaker 2: agree that being on the one-on-one or even just receiving
• 1:56
  Speaker 2: a text is a lot easier than doing the group setting.
• 2:00
  Speaker 1: But in that case, you would have to share that
• 2:03
  Speaker 1: you're going through infertility. And I have to be honest, like,
• 2:07
  Speaker 1: and I mean, I haven't lived very long. I'm 26.
• 2:09
  Speaker 1: That's not a long time, but I, it feels long sometimes,
• 2:13
  Speaker 1: but you know, I haven't had many people, if anyone
• 2:20
  Speaker 1: that I can remember growing up or even the, like
• 2:25
  Speaker 1: this topic has just recently been kind of put into
• 2:28
  Speaker 1: my sphere. I found that Like, I wouldn't know someone
• 2:34
  Speaker 1: was struggling with that. No idea. I had no idea
• 2:38
  Speaker 1: if someone had miscarriages. No clue. And, like, it was just...
• 2:45
  Speaker 1: And at first I started wondering, you know, as I
• 2:48
  Speaker 1: started thinking about what will it be like if I
• 2:51
  Speaker 1: want to be a mom, you know, I started wondering,
• 2:54
  Speaker 1: why is it that everyone announces their pregnancy 12 weeks in?
• 2:57
  Speaker 1: And then I realized... People are like, oh, the reason
• 3:01
  Speaker 1: why is because you can miscarriage really easily in the
• 3:04
  Speaker 1: 12-week window, or at least it's higher then. And so
• 3:07
  Speaker 1: people like to not say anything until the 12 weeks
• 3:10
  Speaker 1: are over. So that way when they tell you, there's
• 3:14
  Speaker 1: at least like a way larger chance it's not going
• 3:16
  Speaker 1: to happen. And so they can be more confident. It's like, hey,
• 3:20
  Speaker 1: now you can celebrate with us because we're safe. This
• 3:23
  Speaker 1: is safe. Yes. And I've even struggled with if that
• 3:27
  Speaker 1: happens to me at some point, what am I going
• 3:29
  Speaker 1: to do? Like, am I going to text my friends
• 3:31
  Speaker 1: and say, Hey, guess what? You know, four weeks in
• 3:34
  Speaker 1: or when I find out, because I'm going to be
• 3:37
  Speaker 1: too afraid I'm going to fail somehow. Like I'm not
• 3:40
  Speaker 1: going to be able to live up to the 12
• 3:42
  Speaker 1: week mark. And then it's going to be like, psych,
• 3:46
  Speaker 1: forget that text, delete that. I actually lost the baby,
• 3:51
  Speaker 1: you know? So when you're talking about these people coming
• 3:55
  Speaker 1: to you and being vulnerable with you and saying, hey,
• 3:58
  Speaker 1: I want to be sensitive to what you're going through.
• 4:04
  Speaker 1: How did, like, did you just openly go, I'm struggling
• 4:09
  Speaker 1: with this right away? And you were like, I just
• 4:11
  Speaker 1: want you guys to know? Or did it take you
• 4:14
  Speaker 1: a while to do that? Because how did these people
• 4:17
  Speaker 1: know that that was something you were struggling with, that
• 4:19
  Speaker 1: they could tell you something like that and you wouldn't
• 4:21
  Speaker 1: be offended?
• 4:23
  Speaker 2: Yeah. A lot of it, I think, started with families
• 4:28
  Speaker 2: asking when we were going to start having kids and
• 4:31
  Speaker 2: when we were going to start trying. And so we
• 4:34
  Speaker 2: were really– we've always been pretty open books when it
• 4:36
  Speaker 2: comes to that. So we told them right away, like, yeah,
• 4:40
  Speaker 2: we're trying. Like, we're starting to, you know, wanting to
• 4:43
  Speaker 2: look at growing our family, that kind of thing. And
• 4:48
  Speaker 2: after a while, I just– his people's family, like our,
• 4:52
  Speaker 2: his family, my family just kept asking like, Oh, like,
• 4:55
  Speaker 2: how is that going? Like, you know, we wanting updates.
• 4:58
  Speaker 2: And I, when I had my first miscarriage, um, I
• 5:03
  Speaker 2: actually did announce to my family and his family, Hey,
• 5:06
  Speaker 2: we're pregnant. I was only, I think I was like five,
• 5:09
  Speaker 2: maybe six weeks at the time when I announced. Um,
• 5:13
  Speaker 2: and we were so excited, all the things, and we miscarried, um,
• 5:17
  Speaker 2: at the eight week mark. And I just remember feeling
• 5:22
  Speaker 2: that kind of what you're saying of, like, oh, well,
• 5:24
  Speaker 2: just kidding. Never mind. It's actually a miscarriage. I had
• 5:27
  Speaker 2: to go and get a DNC. And that, both of
• 5:32
  Speaker 2: our families being, I guess, us being open and then
• 5:34
  Speaker 2: knowing that we had the DNC and we had the
• 5:37
  Speaker 2: miscarriage and it wasn't working, and then us continuing to try.
• 5:41
  Speaker 2: And for a while, that same year, I had, like,
• 5:44
  Speaker 2: two more miscarriages that same year. I told the family, hey,
• 5:48
  Speaker 2: just so you know, like, we had another miscarriage, but
• 5:51
  Speaker 2: I never announced the pregnancy. I just told them in
• 5:53
  Speaker 2: a text message to the group chat, like, hey, just
• 5:56
  Speaker 2: so you guys know, like, we just had another miscarriage.
• 5:58
  Speaker 2: And that happened twice. And then after that, I just,
• 6:03
  Speaker 2: we just stopped talking about it. They just kind of
• 6:06
  Speaker 2: knew we were trying. Both his mom and my mom
• 6:10
  Speaker 2: were updated with fertility treatments or medications and that kind
• 6:15
  Speaker 2: of stuff. But other than that, We just stopped talking
• 6:18
  Speaker 2: about it. And all of the other losses that we've had,
• 6:21
  Speaker 2: we've just kept to ourselves. We haven't really told anyone.
• 6:24
  Speaker 2: It wasn't until recently that I said on social media
• 6:26
  Speaker 2: how many that I've had, which has been 13, that
• 6:32
  Speaker 2: we know of, right? Because sometimes they can be a
• 6:35
  Speaker 2: chemical miscarriage or whatever where it is so soon you
• 6:39
  Speaker 2: don't even get a positive test, right?
• 6:41
  Speaker 1: Wow. But that....
• 6:44
  Speaker 2: That was the first time probably just a few weeks
• 6:47
  Speaker 2: ago that I actually put like a number to it.
• 6:48
  Speaker 2: And I, cause I stopped counting. I was like, you
• 6:51
  Speaker 2: know what? Every time I saw a positive test, it
• 6:53
  Speaker 2: was more of the thought process of, okay, well we'll
• 6:56
  Speaker 2: see how long this one lasts. And knowing that we're
• 6:59
  Speaker 2: just not going to talk about it until we get
• 7:01
  Speaker 2: past the first trimester.
• 7:02
  Speaker 1: 13. Oh my goodness. I mean, how does that, what
• 7:09
  Speaker 1: is a miscarriage like? Like, do you always know that
• 7:12
  Speaker 1: it's happened? Like, how do you, How do you process that?
• 7:17
  Speaker 1: I think in the.
• 7:18
  Speaker 2: Beginning, yes, because I was a lot more in tune
• 7:21
  Speaker 2: with my body. Seeing those positive tests and I was
• 7:25
  Speaker 2: much more in tune with the symptoms and what was happening.
• 7:28
  Speaker 2: And I've had experiences with different miscarriages that are different
• 7:33
  Speaker 2: symptoms than the other ones. You know, I always thought
• 7:35
  Speaker 2: that once you got pregnant, your symptoms were just what
• 7:39
  Speaker 2: your body experiences during pregnancy. And you always had those
• 7:42
  Speaker 2: same symptoms. Well, it's not that way, at least for me.
• 7:45
  Speaker 2: I feel like every pregnancy that I've had has almost
• 7:50
  Speaker 2: been totally different, except the most recent ones. Those ones
• 7:56
  Speaker 2: I've kind of just stopped thinking about. And as bad
• 7:59
  Speaker 2: as that sounds, it's almost like I'm compartmentalizing my emotions
• 8:03
  Speaker 2: because I know I'm not letting myself feel that hope
• 8:06
  Speaker 2: or that, because the higher hope you get, the farther
• 8:11
  Speaker 2: the drop of grief. And so I just kind of,
• 8:15
  Speaker 2: stop doing that. I'm like, okay, well, we'll see. Like,
• 8:18
  Speaker 2: I kind of just expect it to, to pass at
• 8:20
  Speaker 2: this point, but yeah, I don't know if I answered
• 8:24
  Speaker 2: the question.
• 8:26
  Speaker 1: No, you did. And, and if you don't want to
• 8:28
  Speaker 1: answer this, you don't have to, so don't feel pressure
• 8:31
  Speaker 1: in this. But I, I've just wondered, I remember I
• 8:34
  Speaker 1: spoke to one mom, her situation was different. How, you know, it,
• 8:41
  Speaker 1: for her, the miscarriage was induced. It was something It
• 8:45
  Speaker 1: was induced and she saw her baby dead for a second.
• 8:50
  Speaker 1: This really tiny little baby, you know, barely like you
• 8:55
  Speaker 1: had a head and it just looked so tiny, you know,
• 8:58
  Speaker 1: it could have fit in the palm of your hand.
• 9:00
  Speaker 1: And she said she never forgot that moment. Like if
• 9:04
  Speaker 1: you ask her, she would remember all the details. Like
• 9:09
  Speaker 1: it just stuck with her brain. And I just, I
• 9:12
  Speaker 1: wondered if for you, like, Have any of the children
• 9:17
  Speaker 1: that have been in your belly, have you ever seen them?
• 9:20
  Speaker 1: Or has it always been something where it was like
• 9:23
  Speaker 1: an idea that you knew was present, but it never
• 9:28
  Speaker 1: was something you saw?
• 9:29
  Speaker 2: Yeah. The first one, the one that I had to
• 9:33
  Speaker 2: have a DNC for, was the only one that I saw.
• 9:41
  Speaker 2: And trying to make this as least graphic as possible,
• 9:45
  Speaker 2: but like... pieces it's not really it's you're passing it's
• 9:49
  Speaker 2: like a period so right you're you know you miscarry
• 9:53
  Speaker 2: so you bleed but it's a different kind of blood
• 9:55
  Speaker 2: and so um, it does look different. And that moment
• 9:59
  Speaker 2: of seeing that, like, I remember I still, to this day,
• 10:02
  Speaker 2: that was back in 2021. I still remember seeing that
• 10:06
  Speaker 2: and thinking, I can't do this. I can't, I can't
• 10:09
  Speaker 2: physically sit here and just watch it and see it go.
• 10:13
  Speaker 2: And so I got the DNC and we did get
• 10:15
  Speaker 2: the genetic testing done on the, um, on the, on
• 10:19
  Speaker 2: that baby to see like how I miscarried and it
• 10:22
  Speaker 2: was a DNA problem. So it wasn't anything that I did,
• 10:25
  Speaker 2: but I still carried, I was like, Oh no, it
• 10:27
  Speaker 2: was because I brought the groceries in because I brought
• 10:29
  Speaker 2: the groceries inside from my car. That's why I miscarried.
• 10:31
  Speaker 2: I had scientific evidence that it wasn't me. It was
• 10:35
  Speaker 2: DNA of why it miscarried. And I still for years
• 10:39
  Speaker 2: held onto the grief of, no, it was my fault. Like,
• 10:42
  Speaker 2: it's because I brought the groceries in. Like, no, like
• 10:45
  Speaker 2: it wasn't. But in my mind, like I had made
• 10:47
  Speaker 2: myself like believe that, I guess. But no, that was
• 10:50
  Speaker 2: the only one I really saw. And then we had
• 10:53
  Speaker 2: the genetic testing done and they gave me the option
• 10:55
  Speaker 2: to see it after like the DNC. And I said, no.
• 11:01
  Speaker 2: And so that was the only one that I had
• 11:03
  Speaker 2: the option to. All of the other ones I've passed
• 11:05
  Speaker 2: on my own. And those ones have just looked like
• 11:11
  Speaker 2: they've been not as far along as that one. So
• 11:13
  Speaker 2: those ones just regular period.
• 11:16
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 11:17
  Speaker 2: They're like, I think it's like the size of a
• 11:19
  Speaker 2: mustard seed. Like they're so small at that point.
• 11:22
  Speaker 1: Yeah. But yeah. What kind of, how have you learned
• 11:33
  Speaker 1: or navigated people giving you advice on this? Because I,
• 11:37
  Speaker 1: I'm not even pregnant and I can't tell you the
• 11:40
  Speaker 1: amount of people that love to just say something, you know, like, uh,
• 11:47
  Speaker 1: what you should do here. What, what happens if you
• 11:50
  Speaker 1: should do this? What, you know, and there's these expectations
• 11:53
  Speaker 1: and people, I want to say this in all kindness
• 11:55
  Speaker 1: because people usually, when they're saying this to you, they
• 11:58
  Speaker 1: just want to be nice. They're just full of wanting
• 12:01
  Speaker 1: to be there for you. It's not like they maliciously
• 12:03
  Speaker 1: mean to cause you pain, but I wondered for you
• 12:07
  Speaker 1: with this journey, especially since it's something you're still on
• 12:10
  Speaker 1: and it's like, do I even go back to trying
• 12:14
  Speaker 1: on this hard ladder here? Um, how did you navigate
• 12:20
  Speaker 1: if people wanted to give you advice where they're like, Oh,
• 12:23
  Speaker 1: maybe you're not conceiving because you're not taking this herb,
• 12:25
  Speaker 1: or maybe you should do this, or maybe you should
• 12:27
  Speaker 1: try this or stop eating this, or maybe go see
• 12:30
  Speaker 1: this particular doctor or try in fertilization, like all of
• 12:34
  Speaker 1: these different things. How did you sort through that to
• 12:39
  Speaker 1: the point where you could have a boundary or you
• 12:41
  Speaker 1: could say, you know what, I love that you care,
• 12:45
  Speaker 1: but I can't take this anymore?