Latest / Beyond the Facade with Choose Recovery Services and Blueprint Institute / 69: What Does Real Recovery Look Like?

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69: What Does Real Recovery Look Like? · Beyond the Facade with Choose Recovery Services and Blueprint Institute

0:00
Hey, everybody. OK, so let's talk common
0:03
misunderstandings in recovery. We've all thought about that
0:05
like, hey, what do we do here? Just stop the behavior and how
0:08
that's not quite enough. So we're going to talk a little
0:11
bit about real recovery is about who we're becoming and a little
0:16
bit about behavior and emotional growth.
0:18
Let's jump into it. Welcome to Beyond the Facade
0:24
podcast. I'm your host, Luke Gordon, and
0:26
I'm thrilled to have you join me in this space today.
0:28
What we're going to be doing is diving deep into the trials and
0:31
triumphs and truths of seeking authenticity.
0:34
Becoming your true self isn't about a single action or a
0:37
moment. It's a relentless pursuit, a
0:40
commitment to self that reveals the rich connection and meaning
0:43
that our life has to offer. So whether this is your first
0:45
time tuning in or you're a regular listener, know this.
0:49
What you're building here goes beyond a conversation.
0:51
You're here to challenge, to change, and to celebrate the
0:54
incredible journey of becoming your authentic self.
0:57
Because when you dare to show up fully, the rewards are
1:00
immeasurable. So welcome to Beyond the Facade.
1:02
Let's get started. Welcome to the podcast as
1:07
always. We got a guest here that
1:08
sometimes doesn't feel like so much of A guest because she's
1:11
here often and everybody loves it when she shows up.
1:14
Anyway, that's the feedback that we get.
1:15
Alana is here with us and we are going to talk about red flags
1:19
and green flags in recovery. Let's jump right into it.
1:23
I remember Alana in the beginning of the journey going
1:26
to some type of recovery group and people would say, my name is
1:30
so and so and I'm in recovery. And I'd be like, what does that
1:33
mean? And then it was around a little
1:35
bit longer and I'm like, what's that word used for?
1:37
I know, I think I know what it's used for.
1:40
I think sometimes that word can be weaponized and it can be,
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hey, what is it? But let's do some defining
1:45
today. And we're going to define it in
1:47
saying, OK, green flags like this represents recovery and
1:50
then red flags. But it isn't.
1:52
And the goal here is to help both the betrayed partner and
1:57
the person who's seeking recovery be able to see the
1:59
differences from like surface level recovery in authentic
2:02
recovery. Alana, anything before we jump
2:05
into this? Yeah, I just love what you said
2:07
there. When you're talking about even
2:08
like authentic recovery versus surface level recovery or am I
2:13
in recovery or am I not? A lot of times I see this really
2:16
a black and white thinking and people asking like, OK, am I in
2:22
recovery or not? Is my partner in recovery or
2:24
not? Or look, I'm in recovery, but
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then there's still all these behaviors that are happening
2:29
that don't show recovery. But then we could also go,
2:34
there's all these behaviors that are.
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And so we tend to take recovery and we put it in two boxes.
2:40
I'm in or I'm out. And first of all, can we just
2:44
lay that down that in recovery, out of recovery, that black and
2:47
white thinking isn't always helpful because there's so many
2:52
layers and levels and pieces to what healing looks like.
2:57
And I don't typically see somebody being able to tackle
3:01
all the boxes and all the pieces at once.
3:04
And so I might even just start by saying, can we throw away the
3:08
term in recovery and open it up more to something that's a
3:13
little more nuanced and Gray of I?
3:17
I like the term. I am working my recovery because
3:21
that allows for a journey and for a process.
3:24
I had a couple come in one time and there was substance abuse
3:28
addiction and they, one partner really wanted to adopt some of
3:36
what I'm talking about. The other partner was like they
3:39
were free from substance abuse. So they're like, no, I am in
3:43
recovery. I am free from abusing the
3:46
substance and therefore I'm in recovery.
3:49
And I just wanted to say when we're talking about infidelity,
3:55
when we're talking about these emotional, behavioral and
4:00
psychological type addiction behaviors, we just have to be
4:04
way more nuanced with it. Yeah.
4:07
And just notice why I'm saying it, because the person did the
4:12
betraying. What is my intent?
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And I want to just be really careful that we say in my
4:19
working recovery is in what's my behavior and not who am I?
4:24
So like I am in recovery, which that's like a statement about
4:28
identity compared to this is the process I'm working.
4:32
This is my behavior. So yeah, I think today we're
4:34
going to be bringing up some things.
4:36
If it's a red flag, it could be uncomfortable.
4:38
If you're looking at your partner or thinking about
4:39
yourself and there's some green flags, maybe just notice that
4:42
discomfort and go, all right, rather than running to any type
4:47
of ego or any type of fear, I'm just going to notice and, and
4:51
what are some patterns that I didn't notice before?
4:53
So the first one we're going to go to on green flag versus red
4:56
flags is honesty and transparency.
4:59
OK, so that's the category. OK, green flag here.
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I'm going to give you a few of them.
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This is around honesty and transparency.
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This is more than not lying. So we might say green flag is
5:12
not lying, but it is learning to live in truth.
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So it's a process of going, all right, I need to find what truth
5:19
is because I'm coming out of denial.
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The place where I compartmentalize and green flag
5:23
behavior is somebody that's going through and identifying
5:27
levels of denial that they've been in to be able to share
5:30
truth. So it's more than just I'm,
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yeah, I'm not going to lie anymore.
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As in, you know, my process to find where I'm lying, find where
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I'm deceiving myself and to come forward.
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And my partner watches me do that.
5:43
And coming out of denial, that's a process because I want to just
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go like, I'm never going to lie again.
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And if that's my thoughts, probably I'm missing some stuff.
5:52
I I love that you said that. And it really just start with a
5:56
self because if you can't be honest with yourself and be real
6:00
with yourself, then how in the world do you really be honest
6:04
with another person, especially at the level that a partner is
6:07
looking for after betrayal? Yeah, it really, and I just
6:11
think of any 12 step group. Step 1 is really like getting to
6:15
the space of realizing this is bigger than me.
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This is unmanageable and I have to step into truth.
6:22
Yep, absolutely. So there are the parts of their
6:24
green flags with honesty and transparency that have to do
6:28
with you're willing to just open it up.
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We did a webinar the other day about about betrayal when
6:33
compared to a financial ruin and how you come back from financial
6:38
ruin. And you would have to give
6:40
people exposure to what you've been doing.
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So a part of honesty and transparency, a green flag is
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you're willing to share everything, your accounts, your
6:47
devices, your schedules, and make sure you posture everything
6:50
as this, I have nothing to hide and come be there.
6:54
And just recognizing that you don't have to come across as
6:58
like, Oh yeah, I don't care. Look at anything.
7:00
No, even if you're living in openness, there still can be a
7:05
level of discomfort. But that's what I'm going to be
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doing. Thank you for talking about the
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discomfort because I don't think stepping into honesty after
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having been in hiding will feel comfortable.
7:17
It will feel unnatural. And I see a lot of times, I'm
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curious if you see this too, Luke, where sometimes people
7:25
become almost so disconnected. Maybe disassociated is a better
7:29
word. They become so disassociated
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from the outcome of their choices and so disassociated
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from the feelings that are uncomfortable that even that
7:40
kind of blocks truth, that blocks reality.
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But there's a certain numbness that comes with that.
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So you don't feel pain, so you do something bad or you do
7:50
something that's not in alignment with your values, but
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you don't actually feel the discomfort of that because
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you're so numb and disassociated.
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But when we are starting to step into truth, then we actually are
8:02
bringing ourselves back our minds.
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So then we have to sit with the guilt and sit with the
8:06
discomfort and sit with the pain of sharing that with somebody
8:10
else. And so that can be a really
8:13
uncomfortable process, especially when we've had that
8:16
part of us really shut down. Oh, absolutely.
8:20
I just think about it. We probably talked about on
8:21
podcast before when my old boss would call me Muffin and I would
8:26
be like, well, she called everybody Muffin and I didn't.
8:29
When you called me out on that, I don't have a problem with it
8:31
because I'm like, I completely compartmentalize that.
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But that's not about me. I'm not doing anything wrong.
8:37
And when I came into awareness, like, that is completely
8:39
problematic because I've allowed that behavior.
8:43
I've let that boundary down or it didn't exist.
8:45
And so now it's more of, it felt like to me at the time, more
8:51
awkwardness, uncomfortableness of things that I need to be.
8:54
Yeah, it's something I wasn't aware of before where I wouldn't
8:57
bat an eye at it. And we call that the shock stage
9:00
of the journey, when you're open to things and becoming aware.
9:03
And we always as professionals, kind of hope as somebody
9:07
explores shock that it doesn't scare them back into denial.
9:10
And the ones that are ready for the work, they'll stay there.
9:13
They'll stay in the pain. But it's not easy.
9:18
So let's do some red flags here on the honesty and transparency
9:21
one, only telling the truth when you get caught.
9:25
Oh my gosh, right. Like the truth exists.
9:29
It's like the spectrum from getting caught to coming forward
9:36
when your partner has no idea what isn't aware.
9:38
Like you share. So it's truth telling, but it's
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not truth telling because somebody had an intuition and
9:46
they're asking you about it, your truth telling proactively.
9:49
So it's a red flag when it's just being caught and that's the
9:51
only time truth comes out. You can cut this out, Luke, if
9:55
this is too personal, but there was a pattern for a really long
10:00
time with us where you would get caught with something and then
10:07
you would come forward and give more information.
10:10
And then you would say, I, I'd like, no, I told you this.
10:13
I didn't have to tell, yeah, I told you this.
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And so I would catch him in maybe like 30% of what happened.
10:24
And then he would come forward and tell me an additional, maybe
10:27
60% more. And then he would be like, no,
10:31
no, no. Like I'm in recovery or I'm in a
10:35
really good place. It's not as bad as you think
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because I didn't have to tell you the rest.
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And I did therefore like, I'm being honest.
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Don't you see? I'm being honest.
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Give me credit for being honest. But that type of truth telling
10:50
is still extra information. But that truth would have never
10:53
come out had you not first been caught.
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And so this was something for a lot of years, you and I would
11:00
get hung up on was I would be going.
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This doesn't feel like truth. This still feels very passive
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and you would be in a place going no, no, no, no, like it
11:13
is. See me, I'm telling the truth
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and I'll just say like moving us out of this.
11:19
I see this. I see often the person who
11:23
hasn't been being honest so bad trying to crafts for any straws
11:29
or anything to stand on. And I see a partner who's just
11:33
begging for truth and honesty and transparency.
11:37
And So what you're describing there with this active truth
11:41
telling isn't part of all of that pattern.
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In that chaos, the active truth telling is coming forward and
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saying, hey, there's something you need to know.
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And I'm not telling you because I'm caught.
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I'm not telling you because I have to.
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I'm telling you because it's a made value system.
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Let's talk about what this is tied to.
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Let's really slow this down because I think it matters.
12:01
OK, so I can put myself there. I can find.
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I can feel all the emotions about this.
12:05
Yeah, we're not cutting this because the freaking podcast is
12:07
called Beyond a Facade. So you guys get as you guys get
12:10
to see all my stuff. So look at this guy's like when
12:14
Alana says that and she would go, no, you got caught.
12:17
And I'm like, no, I didn't. What I think in my mind is, is
12:20
you wouldn't have the truth unless I showed up and delivered
12:23
it to you. Like you would only have partial
12:25
information. So I want her to give me credit,
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which what's that about? Why do I need that?
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Like why does that matter? And it's because I need to, I
12:36
need to keep the I need to keep it going inside of my brain what
12:40
reality looks like, which is some sense of self respect, like
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some sense of I'm worthy to be a partner.
12:49
I can contribute in whatever way it is.
12:52
So like a protector part? And it's absolutely not useful
12:56
because I'm spending all the time in the world just trying to
13:00
protect my ego, trying to protect my worthiness, when what
13:03
makes me actually worthy of being in a relationship is my
13:08
ability to be able to find new information, to be able to
13:12
understand at a greater level, to not defend coming from a
13:15
place of defense. So it's a protection of ego.
13:18
It's a protection of of my reality.
13:21
So what if so, if I come without my partner knowing and saying,
13:24
hey, let me share with you something you don't already
13:26
know, it means I'm doing it because it's a value based
13:30
decision. I'm doing it because I'm valuing
13:33
myself and I'm having respect for my partner compared to
13:37
trying to protect myself. I just think about all the
13:40
sessions I have with clients and I think about all the sessions
13:43
I've had and this theme comes out of the truth, come out on my
13:48
own behalf or does it come out because of somebody else?
13:51
OK, so that's a red flag. Another red flag on the honesty
13:55
and transparency is minimizing, rationalizing, staying vague,
14:00
not really getting the details, omissions, no half truths.
14:04
I think that's kind of just more of the same thing we're talking
14:06
about. Slow us down a lot if you think
14:08
we need to tackle any of that. Just the emissions. 1A for
14:12
anyone who doesn't know what emissions are, it's leaving out
14:15
details. And I see a lot of people do
14:18
this and sometimes it's very calculated and sometimes it's
14:22
subconscious. But either way it's problematic.
14:25
It's leaving out key pieces of information because you
14:29
determine that would either be too hard for your spouse or you
14:33
want to tell him this because this still lets it be in a
14:36
certain light. But I'm not going to share this
14:39
1/2 truth is still a whole lie. And so really being clear with
14:45
just what is and not sugar coating it, not softening it,
14:49
and just speaking reality and truth.
14:51
Thank you. So just to finish out red flags
14:54
on honesty and transparency part really just let it be about
14:58
denial if it's still active and honesty hasn't become practice
15:02
to a practice value and just notice the word practice honesty
15:07
and transparency hasn't been my experience.
15:08
It means I'll actually have to practice and learn how to be,
15:12
how to be real and gain muscles for that.
15:15
OK, launch, we go to the next one.
15:17
Yeah, but can we start with the red flags?
15:20
Because that's how my brain works.
15:21
Do you like red flags first? I need to.
15:23
They're always more fun to talk about.
15:24
Unless it's unless. Well, maybe it's just that like
15:27
protective part of my brain of like, tell me the danger first,
15:31
then tell me what the good parts are.
15:33
Yeah, let's transpose it so as Alana wishes, we will do red
15:36
flags. OK, so this one's around
15:39
sobriety and accountability. OK, so define accountability.
15:42
Let's talk about this. Red flags will be white
15:45
knuckling it. All right, Sobriety without
15:47
using the tools. So say hey, let me just think
15:50
about some weird way to say this.
15:52
Hey, dude, So what how come you're how come you haven't
15:54
acted out for a while? I just just doing my thing.
15:57
Just really don't want to go back to that life compared to
16:00
the let me tell you my recovery plan.
16:02
Let me tell you the details of how I actually stay sober, how I
16:05
actually don't fall back into behavior so.
16:08
And I just say I see a lot in the beginning where individuals
16:13
are so emotionally hijacked or traumatized themselves by
16:19
getting caught that it gives sometimes a period of, I don't
16:26
know if anesthesia is the right word, but like almost a
16:29
Novocaine to the acting out where they're so worried that or
16:36
they're having so many impacts from the acting out that they
16:40
literally feel like I am never going to have doubt again.
16:43
And so they're not doing all of the recovery checklist because
16:47
they don't feel like they have to because they really don't
16:50
feel like they're ever going to go back because they're like,
16:52
that was so bad. I've hurt my partner so much.
16:55
I'm never going back to that. That at some level is a type of
17:01
right knuckling it. It's funny because, and I don't
17:03
know if this is funny, it's it's my joke.
17:05
So maybe just people laugh at me because I'm leading the group.
17:08
But if a guy shows up and I'm like, OK, so accountability,
17:12
let's talk about your numbers. What's your middle circle
17:14
numbers like? How's the boundaries going?
17:17
Specifically, how's your outer circle behaviors, which is your
17:20
yourself care and how's that been going for the last seven
17:23
days, the last 30 days? And he reports really low
17:26
numbers. But hey, let me let me see your
17:28
knuckles, you know, and I recognize I got enough credit
17:30
with these guys. I think I do to go do this isn't
17:33
coming from a shaming place. But I'll they'll look at it
17:35
like, yeah, those things a little white, right?
17:36
And then we can make some jokes around it of like, I'm just
17:38
hanging on by your life. But I don't even know because
17:41
I'm not doing the things that keeps me emotionally.
17:44
OK, We're going to take a quick break for a moment.
17:48
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17:50
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Looking forward to having you be there.
18:34
Well, let's get back to our episode, Alana.
18:37
So I'm going to move on to this next one.
18:38
But I'm telling you, this one today is going to be the one
18:40
that I'm most passionate about. And it's because it has the most
18:43
pain tied to my journey, OK? Because it's still alive and
18:48
well often today. OK, so here's a red flag around
18:52
sobriety and accountability. Selective effort.
18:55
OK, picking and choosing the tasks and avoiding the most
19:00
vulnerable ones. So I got to tell you, I'm like
19:02
the master at this. I'll find the stuff that I can
19:05
find to be valid that I can make sense of for myself.
19:08
And but the to certain tasks that I, I'm very selective about
19:13
the effort that I want to put in and recognizing recovery is not
19:17
about that. It's not about picking the
19:19
effort, it's about noticing the treatment that needs to exist
19:23
and following that one. Can I give some examples of what
19:26
that looks like? Yeah, I don't know.
19:28
Let's see how this goes guys. No thank you.
19:31
No, I actually see this a lot. And I see this in humans period,
19:38
because the human brain is heart wired.
19:40
Seek pleasure, avoid playing, and do things with the least
19:43
amount of effort possible. OK, so those two pieces of avoid
19:46
pain and do things with the least amount of effort.
19:49
I see people come into recovery and they go, OK, what sounds and
19:53
they're this is not like a conscious what sounds the
19:56
easiest? But it's like, OK, where do I
19:58
want to start? What seems like the most like
20:01
smooth thing for me to do, least amount of effort and the least
20:05
amount of pain? How do I get out of pain the
20:07
fastest? What do I want to do?
20:09
And multiple times I've heard of people who will go and they'll
20:14
do a really in depth intake. They get all the assessments and
20:17
the professional goes, look, based off of your scores, you
20:20
really need impatient. And they're like, Nah, you're
20:23
not. I just can't afford impatient.
20:24
And by the way, like I know impatient is a stupid amount of
20:27
money, but they're like, I can't afford to take work off.
20:30
I can't take this. OK, but you spending the next
20:34
five years trying to do therapy and trying to get this and then
20:39
heaven forbid you have a divorce at the end, which is another
20:41
$15,000. Had we invested upfront and got
20:48
you the right care and the right help for the level you needed,
20:52
we could have saved a ton of time and a ton of money.
20:55
Yet our brain goes, OK, but what's the easier path?
20:58
What's the simpler path mean going into debt for an in person
21:03
intensive? That doesn't sound like the easy
21:06
path. I'm going to go some where else
21:09
again, like I get money is an issue.
21:12
I get we live in a really tough time and prioritizing your
21:17
healing, your mental well-being, your mental health pays off in
21:22
so many dividends if you're willing to invest it.
21:25
And if your assessments show that's the level of care you
21:29
need, that's the level of care you need.
21:33
And so I, that's a really like big obvious one, but another big
21:37
one I see specifically in men, because our culture has taught
21:41
men that you can just kind of think your way through life and
21:45
issues. But so many of the men I work
21:48
with have trauma and they have stuff stored in their nervous
21:51
system, in their bodies. So they're trying to do all of
21:54
this cognitive work in their head.
21:57
And you can only get so far with talk therapy and behavioral
22:00
therapy. And so they go and do like a
22:04
meditation and they're like, oh, that was uncomfortable not doing
22:06
that. It was uncomfortable because of
22:09
how much is stored in your body. Or they do a brain spotting and
22:13
they go slowly. Could you swear on your pocket?
22:16
I was well, cover your ears. But they're like, holy, that
22:22
like the amount of stuff that just unlocked to me.
22:25
I'm not doing that. Shut that door.
22:27
And so that right there, because it feels very uncomfortable or
22:32
very vulnerable or very raw, they shut those doors when
22:36
that's the exact thing that they actually need to heal.
22:41
Yeah, yeah. The one that it reminds me of
22:44
was when I wasn't ready for change, going to a group for the
22:48
first time and just looking around that room and going,
22:51
these guys are weird. Like they aren't.
22:54
These guys are messed up what they've done, which I was like,
22:57
if we measured it like way worse.
23:00
I remember when recovery actually came around and I was
23:03
ready for recovery, therapist brought up group and I was like,
23:08
do I got to like, do I really, really have to do that?
23:12
And I can I just say everything in recovery that I really,
23:15
really didn't want to do was like one of the best things that
23:17
I could do. And I just will try the best I
23:21
can to negotiate that in my own mind and to other people.
23:25
And that's a red flag is being selective about what I choose to
23:29
do in my recovery rather than leaning into what professionals
23:33
say. Thank you for saying that with
23:36
like sometimes, often as humans what we resist the most is
23:40
actually what we need. I remember one time doing a
23:43
meditation group and there were a couple people in that group
23:49
who like right at the get go. After like 2 times they were
23:52
like no I'm not doing this and knowing their therapeutic
23:56
journey, they were the ones who needed it the most.
23:59
But because of the discomfort in doing it, they didn't want to
24:03
sit through that discomfort really and notice what you
24:07
resist. And that could be something
24:10
pointing you to. This is actually what we might
24:12
need to be looking at. Yeah, absolutely.
24:15
Just being open to it and open. We're doing recoveries go OK, I
24:20
am resisting now instead of pushing it off to the side,
24:23
pretending like that doesn't matter, not even necessarily
24:26
like opting in like right now, but going what?
24:29
Why do I have such a strong resistance to that?
24:32
What's going on? And.
24:34
Then I always want to know what protector parts are being
24:36
activated. Yeah.
24:38
Yeah, there's something, there's a really important stuff
24:40
underneath that. So we'll get to it as a
24:42
question, right? So it's a red flag, selective
24:44
efforts. OK, here's the other one
24:46
performing only when pressured. So that's like I am my gas and
24:51
motivation comes from people that are making me do stuff, but
24:55
I don't do it when I'm not being pressured.
24:58
So I let my foot off the gas, which can we just talk about the
25:02
nuance right? There is a human experience that
25:04
comes from that. Like I heard on AI heard the
25:08
other day on something put about there's two reasons why people
25:11
do stuff. They do it because they want to
25:13
do it. They do it because they're they
25:14
have to do it. And I'm like, people technically
25:17
only do stuff because they see value in it that they're going
25:19
to keep up long term. So that's a red flag which is
25:24
performing when pressured and then the lack of consistency.
25:27
And I say, if your partner didn't actually care whether you
25:32
did anything, would you do recovery?
25:34
What would you do? Because I hear for so many
25:37
partners, them saying if I don't check in with him regularly, if
25:43
I'm not asking about this, if I'm not encouraging this, if I'm
25:47
not in essence reaching over and putting my foot on the gas, he
25:51
won't go anywhere. And I'll just say that's a
25:54
really painful truth. And for a partner, if there's
25:58
partners listening to this, if you feel like you have to be the
26:01
one to do that, that's really uncomfortable information that I
26:05
want you to hold and see. You know what's you know what's
26:09
fascinating meal on is they think about the avoidant
26:12
attachment styles out there and would they do it if their
26:16
partner wasn't saying, hey, you got to do this?
26:19
The answer is a sometimes I think yes, they would, but
26:22
they're so hung up on the fact that they don't they think they
26:25
don't have a choice. They never get around to
26:27
deciding what they would actually do.
26:29
So they're performing out of pressure, but because they're
26:33
only trying to satisfy somebody else.
26:35
And but if they would really do the work to understand why they
26:39
would do it, they would do. It would just end up being for
26:41
the right reason, hopefully. Yeah, this concept sometimes
26:46
when therapists or coaches try to teach it to men or people,
26:51
that the partner sometimes can be really confused and really
26:55
hurt on this concept because the partner comes forward and says,
27:00
I mean, whatever for safety, I need this thing for safety.
27:04
And there's a lot of things that they need for safety.
27:06
And so the person who's been acting out is like, OK, OK, I
27:09
want to make my partner happy. So I have to do this.
27:12
So I have to do whatever they say for the safety.
27:16
And while we do want this safety to be created, if it's done
27:24
without thinking and if it's done without aligning with your
27:27
own values, that's where it becomes problematic because then
27:32
you are still, oh, hope, Hope Ray calls it the floating St.
27:38
where you still aren't actually being real and authentic.
27:42
You're just now becoming this other version that they want you
27:45
to be. And it's still not real.
27:47
It's still not authentic recovery.
27:50
And so you're people pleasing. And so while we want to create
27:55
safety, it's almost a false sense of security and safety
27:58
because you're not doing it because it's value based.
28:01
You're just doing it to elicit a feeling or a response out of
28:05
your partner. Oh, we do need to take the time
28:08
to slow down and go, OK, my partner needs this for safety.
28:12
Yes, I want to do that. I want to create that safety and
28:17
big and I need to understand is a semi value system is it not?
28:24
Why am I doing it? Yes, I want to do it because
28:27
it's important to my spouse. That's one of my values.
28:30
But why am I doing this in my own recovery?
28:33
Why would I do this? And if I don't know why I would
28:36
do it, that's a good therapy session to do to explore and
28:40
understand. Let's think about that for a
28:43
second. Why are you doing therapy?
28:45
And because my partner has asked me to do it.
28:47
And so what's your value there? What's your value?
28:50
My value is I want to create safety for my partner.
28:53
OK, all right, my partner feels safer when I go to therapy.
28:57
OK, what also another value exists.
29:01
My other values, I really value a conflict free environment,
29:05
which ultimately what will be underneath that, which is
29:08
resentment, right? So what hides is actually a
29:11
deeper level. So I think it's completely
29:14
appropriate to take action and be very transparent about why
29:19
you're doing it to create safety.
29:21
But recognizing that a long term has to come from inside of me.
29:24
That's what this red flag is about.
29:26
This, all this stuff reveals like recovery, whether it's
29:29
compliance based or whether it's wholehearted, whether I do it
29:33
from it's an intrinsic place rather than because somebody
29:36
needs me to do it. I remember back in the beginning
29:39
of your journey, you used to use a phrase where you're like, I
29:42
don't want to be a doormat, I don't want a doormat.
29:45
And the truth is I didn't want you to be a doormat.
29:49
I wanted you to create safety, but I wanted you to do it from a
29:53
place of authenticity. And so, like, I didn't want a
29:57
doormat for a husband. I wanted a man who stood in
30:00
truth and stood in authenticity and valued my healing.
30:05
And that was a hard place for us to navigate to figure out.
30:10
Like how could those could both be true?
30:12
Yeah, do you remember saying in almost pleading, not begging or
30:18
pleading, but really desiring you like just pick something
30:22
that you want to do, do it. You make a decision, but you
30:26
didn't really want to make decisions.
30:27
But you noticed that I wouldn't make any on my own and I would
30:32
what I would use against you was is and then this victim type
30:35
mentality of I don't have a choice.
30:38
And you're like, you have choices, but I didn't I could
30:41
use you as like, I don't have choices.
30:43
She's making me. But really, what was it about is
30:45
is I realizing I can make choices, but it was easier to
30:50
have you do it than it was for me to do it?
30:53
And this, I see this happen a lot where individuals who have
30:57
been acting out when they have been caught or when they've come
31:02
forward, they feel like they have no power and they buy into
31:06
that narrative for themselves. So like, I have no power, but
31:10
the reality is, is you have all the power.
31:13
You have all the power in your recovery.
31:16
You have so much power in your relationship because all of that
31:19
hidden information is power that you held over your partner.
31:24
And so this victim stands in victim mentality.
31:28
I don't play that game because it is so problematic to your own
31:34
healing and it's problematic to the relational healing.
31:37
So we have to recognize how much power you truly have in your
31:43
relationship and in your own healing and.
31:45
That's scary because once I realize I have power, that means
31:48
I have to do something with it to have a choice.
31:51
And yeah, and. Yeah, it's a lot easier to be in
31:55
victim role. If that makes sense, Y'all, I
31:58
don't know if that does. I don't think that could have
32:01
made sense to me for a period of time.
32:02
I don't know if I was ready for that information, but yeah, OK,
32:06
I just. Say, though, if you're not ready
32:08
for that information, it's OK and take that to your coach or
32:13
therapist because this like at the foundation of relational
32:18
repair, so much about it is about power and control.
32:24
And so we really like power and control lays at the foundation
32:29
of a lot of relational struggles.
32:31
And so this is important enough that you want to hold this in
32:35
your pocket and figure it out. Y'all, I'm not ready for that
32:39
information. Just depending on the subject
32:40
today, right now, which is I have a choice.
32:43
I'm like today, right now in my life in different aspects.
32:47
Like that's not something I want to acknowledge.
32:48
That's why I have therapy on Friday mornings, right, Is to be
32:51
able to go. This one's carrying a lot of
32:53
power for you. I'm feeling powerless in this,
32:55
right? OK, so check this out, y'all.
32:58
We have categories. I wanted to share these with you
33:02
because we're going to put a pause and we're going to come
33:03
back to this next time because there's a few to go through
33:05
here. Wait.
33:06
Wait, you're going to let us at least to our green flags on
33:09
this, right? And we not, oh, we didn't do
33:11
pink flags. No, we can't leave on such a
33:13
like heavy note. OK, yeah, OK, let's talk green
33:17
flags. We got to give that.
33:18
We got to give some, some some hope and some this is what it
33:21
could look like. I was.
33:22
Just following my notes when one was below the other.
33:23
So I just figured I got that one.
33:25
OK, so green flags. So commitment to sobriety from
33:29
acting out behaviors. So that's like, OK, I'm
33:32
committed and I have a process notice where the commitments
33:35
coming from using the tools. So there are tools.
33:38
Those tools can be articulated. The tools can be documented.
33:42
There are filters, there are accountability partners, there
33:44
are groups, there is therapy. Those tools are used.
33:48
Here's another grand flag, voluntary disclosure of slips.
33:51
OK, This is not about being perfect for the rest of your
33:54
life. This is about being able to
33:56
disclose slips. And I'm not talking about big
33:58
relapses. I'm talking about falling down.
34:01
But the little things as well. All of it, right?
34:05
It's talk. It's about falling down.
34:06
It's about learning from failing, right?
34:09
It's about coming out of denial. So learn leaning into
34:12
accountability. And when you in the little
34:15
things can be open and honest and transparent, that creates so
34:19
much more safety in the big things.
34:22
And when you lie or hide or keep those little things hidden, your
34:27
partner goes, if I can't trust you in the little things, how in
34:31
the world do you expect me to trust you in the big things?
34:35
I love that you just said like that.
34:36
Voluntary disclosure of information.
34:39
Voluntary and then here's the last red, a green flag, just the
34:44
active participation. And I want to use the
34:46
participation. Big difference between I show up
34:50
in Group and I show up in therapy and I go through the
34:52
motions or I actively bring what I'm working on.
34:55
Like I participate, like I, I call people, I ask questions, I
35:00
challenge, I ask other people how they're doing active
35:03
participation, right? Not just I'm there to check off
35:06
a box. I'm there to keep my partner
35:09
from from having a strong reaction if I don't.
35:13
OK, so those are the first two guys.
35:15
We have other ones to come. Here's the other categories
35:18
around green flags, red flags, boundaries and lifestyle shifts.
35:23
Some stuff to talk about there. Empathy, empathy and attunement
35:27
stuff to talk about there. Authenticity, love that one.
35:30
That one's going to be fun and then can consistent connection.
35:34
That's that part where partners are dying going like, OK, this
35:37
isn't about you stopping behavior.
35:39
It's about being connected to me and being consistent, not being
35:42
a teammate. And then growth orientation will
35:45
be another green flag, red flag. So growth overall long term.
35:49
So that's what we're going to be coming to later.
35:52
So we'll put a pin in it for right now.
35:53
One thing before we leave is we do have, we always have some
35:57
last minute entries to our unmasked intensive and I'm
36:01
always so good because somebody said I'm going to lean in last
36:04
minute here and I'm going to attend and we have.
36:08
A We had a guy one time, literally the night before,
36:11
bought a plane ticket. Yeah.
36:14
So freaking proud of him. I was so proud of him.
36:17
Bought plane tickets the night before and I and Vanessa from
36:21
the office is like, hey, he's coming and he showed up like 5
36:24
minutes into it and he just he he lean into a bunch of
36:28
discomfort and this unmasked intensive.
36:31
It's really about understanding root cause.
36:34
It's about understanding some of the wounds that existed that
36:37
created some old maladaptive coping mechanisms.
36:41
And really, how do I remove the mask?
36:43
How do I step out of shame? How do I start becoming the man
36:47
that I really want to be? Yeah, Yep.
36:50
And I get to get my hands on you in a professional way and have
36:53
you here with me and with Jean and very excited to spend time
36:58
with those who are going to make it so you don't put your
37:00
recovery first. Make an investment.
37:02
Maybe this is one of these things that fall.
37:04
Scroll back to my notes here. Maybe this is something you had
37:07
selective effort on. Come be with us and just watch
37:11
and see what happens. So anyway, we have that going on
37:14
next week. It's Wednesday through Friday,
37:17
actually, technically Tuesday night through Friday, and I'm
37:21
looking forward to spending some time with some people.
37:23
All right, everybody, we'll pick up where we left off next time.
37:25
It's good spending time with you.
37:27
See you. What I'm going to talk about
37:29
today is not for everybody. It's for those of you who are in
37:34
a place where you have done a lot of work and you've done a
37:37
lot of healing and you're not really like heavily involved in
37:42
the B trial trauma and recovery world in the ways that you once
37:45
were. And you are somebody who is goal
37:50
oriented and you want to heal and you want to move forward and
37:53
you're ready to expand in the next areas of your life.
37:58
And you have these pieces of you that have done so much healing
38:02
and so much growing, yet there's still this other part of you
38:06
that's like longing for more. There's this other part of you
38:10
that is ready to really explore like what's next who am I?
38:16
Where am I headed? What do I want and and really
38:21
unlocking the woman within. Now the reason I say that this
38:25
is not for somebody who's new in recovery is because this
38:30
intensive that we're doing this worthy by design is truly for a
38:36
unique woman. It's for a woman who really is
38:40
in tune with her emotions. She's self reflective, she's
38:44
looking into her soul, she believes in energy and healing
38:50
and emotions and the value of those.
38:53
But you're not sure how to step into that next level of your own
38:58
growth, your own development. This is what worthy by design
39:02
this for. And I will tell you, I am so
39:06
excited for this intensive. It's not B trial trauma focused.
39:10
It's there will be women there who have gone through B trial
39:13
trauma and done their healing. And there'll be other women who
39:16
have just grown and developed and are ready for this type of
39:19
healing as well. And you're going to get to spend
39:23
three nights and four days with me, myself, Hallie Roderick, who
39:28
is one of our coaches, Kelly Johnson, who she partners with
39:33
us here at Truth Recovery. She does what's called Soul Soma
39:37
healing. And I don't know what other way
39:41
to put it other than she has an absolute gift for touching into
39:45
people's emotions and helping them release, but also educating
39:50
and learning and teaching. And so I am so excited to
39:53
partner with her. And then we also have Kelsey
39:56
Red, who is a former therapist. She is a yoga certified
40:00
instructor and she is amazing. If this is speaking to your
40:05
soul, if you feel that calling, it's going to be, it's going to
40:12
be soul healing. The location we're doing it at
40:17
is a beautiful huge home that we have rented that.
40:22
Has a private property with a pond and a heated pool and
40:26
walking pass. It's tucked up in the mountains.
40:29
And so you are going to get time for relaxation, time for
40:34
yourself, time for connection, time for growth and healing.
40:38
It is going to be truly unique. This is the only one of these
40:42
intensives that we are doing. So this is not one of like, oh,
40:46
I hope I can catch it next time. This is the one that we are
40:51
doing. So again, if you are feeling
40:53
called to this, if you are interested in it, reach out For
40:57
more information. You can always jump in and do a
41:00
free consult with Hallie and learn more about it.
41:04
If you hear this and you think that is exactly what I want, I
41:08
need this and I'm not sure how I'm going to pay for it, choose
41:11
recovery services for all of our intensives.
41:13
Does offer scholarship opportunities, so you can always
41:17
put in an application and see if that's something that you could
41:20
get some financial support to do that as well.
41:23
So I would love to see you at Worthy by Design if this applies
41:28
to you. You especially are Worthy by
41:30
Design, and it will help you learn how to really tap into
41:34
that. Hi, this is Hallie Roderick and
41:36
I want to personally invite you to join me and our team for the
41:40
upcoming Courage to Thrive Intensive happening October 14th
41:43
through the 17th in beautiful Spanish Fork, UT.
41:47
This four day experience is designed specifically for women
41:50
who have experienced betrayal and are ready to take the next
41:53
courageous steps on their healing journey.
41:56
Whether you're just beginning to process the pain or you've been
41:59
navigating this journey for years, this intensity will give
42:03
you practical tools, supportive guidance, and somatic practices
42:07
to help you reconnect with your body, set healthy boundaries,
42:10
and reclaim control over your life.
42:13
By the end of our time together, you'll leave with a renewed
42:16
sense of hope, strength, and purpose, ready to step forward
42:19
with courage and confidence, knowing betrayal no longer
42:22
defines your life. If you feel called to take this
42:25
next step, please check the show notes for all the details.
42:28
I would love to welcome you to this upcoming transformative
42:31
experience. Hey, thanks for joining us
42:37
today. If this is something that you
42:38
connected with, I'd love to meet with you more and talk about it.
42:42
So what you can do is go to chooserecoveryservices.com or
42:45
check the show notes and there what we can do is set up a quick
42:48
conversation we need. Thanks so much for listening to
42:51
Beyond the Facade where we unmask the authentic self.