Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #64 Teaching Children to Think for Themselves

Transcript

#64 Teaching Children to Think for Themselves · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

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  Speaker 1: It's a Happy Families podcast with doctor Justin Colson, where
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  Speaker 1: Luke and Suzie parents of three little boys, and this
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  Speaker 1: is the podcast for those of us who are time
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  Speaker 1: poor parents. But just one answers now opening up the
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  Speaker 1: Luke and E mail bag. How are you doing? Are
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  Speaker 1: you getting.
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  Speaker 2: The Luke and C mail bag?
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  Speaker 3: A message from Tracy who said this, how do you
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  Speaker 3: help children develop inferencing and critical thinking skills? For example, Okay,
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  Speaker 3: my daughter hates to give responses to texts that require
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  Speaker 3: her to give an opinion or predict what may happen.
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  Speaker 3: I want her to learn how to think, but she
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  Speaker 3: is much more comfortable being told what to think.
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  Speaker 1: Oh, Justin Colsy, this is interesting because I had an
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  Speaker 1: adult staff member who was exactly like this, and I said,
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  Speaker 1: what do you think about this? And he said, well,
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  Speaker 1: what do you want me to think? I said, no, no,
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  Speaker 1: I want to know what you think. He said, will
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  Speaker 1: you tell me what to think? And that's what I'll think.
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  Speaker 2: Henry Ford said, thinking is one of the hardest forms
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  Speaker 2: of work there is, which is probably so few people
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  Speaker 2: engage in and teenagers don't like work.
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  Speaker 3: What can we what advice can we offer? Tracy?
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  Speaker 2: Justin It's a really tricky question. And the first thing
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  Speaker 2: that I thought, you know what, I'm like, I always well,
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  Speaker 2: I tend to turn things on their head a little
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  Speaker 2: bit and m ole maker, yeah, provocate to the first
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  Speaker 2: thing that I thought was why are we always trying
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  Speaker 2: to fix our children? Were always trying to We look
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  Speaker 2: at our children and we see things that we see
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  Speaker 2: as deficits. We perceive these problems in our children, and
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  Speaker 2: we think that it's our job to patch them up.
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  Speaker 2: I initially thought, I wonder what Tracy's daughter's strengths are.
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  Speaker 2: What could she focus on that her daughter is great at?
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  Speaker 2: What brings her daughter to life? Where does she excel?
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  Speaker 2: And how can we give her opportunities to do more
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  Speaker 2: of that? Can we stop fixing our kids all the time?
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  Speaker 2: You know, they'll grow up and they'll they'll work stuff
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  Speaker 2: out for themselves, and they're more likely to be confident
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  Speaker 2: and competent when they're doing things that make them feel alive,
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  Speaker 2: when they're using their strengths.
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  Speaker 1: And if justin's not enough, if I can encourage strengths
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  Speaker 1: fine or two point zero is a book to go
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  Speaker 1: get Tracy on the back of that which tells you
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  Speaker 1: how broken our world is by focusing on what we're
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  Speaker 1: no good at versus what the outcomes can be if
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  Speaker 1: we focus our attention on what we are naturally good at,
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  Speaker 1: and how so much of our flaws disappear or get
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  Speaker 1: overridden if we live in a world where we're focused
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  Speaker 1: on our strengths.
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  Speaker 2: Right, And you know, depending on the age of your child,
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  Speaker 2: you can even get them online to do some strengths finders.
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  Speaker 2: There's the gallop one that you're taking about.
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  Speaker 1: Every one of those books comes with a code to
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  Speaker 1: do that test.
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  Speaker 2: That's right, you bet. And for those who don't want
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  Speaker 2: to buy the book, it's a twenty dollars investment and
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  Speaker 2: you get to find out your strengths.
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  Speaker 3: Yeah, it's really good.
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  Speaker 2: And the goal here is once we know what our
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  Speaker 2: strengths are, we want to use them every day. And
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  Speaker 2: once our kids know what their strengths are, we want
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  Speaker 2: to help them to use them every day. Oh, by
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  Speaker 2: the way, you know what my top strengths are. Number
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  Speaker 2: one is input. I don't know if you've noticed what
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  Speaker 2: I do for a living. I give input, right, I'm on,
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  Speaker 2: I'm on in conversations like this, and I'm giving talks
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  Speaker 2: around the country and I write books, I have input.
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  Speaker 2: Number two is learning. I can't learn enough. Number three communication.
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  Speaker 2: So these are the things. When we tap into our strengths,
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  Speaker 2: our lives just feel so much more full. But I
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  Speaker 2: know that Tracy is looking for more than that. I've
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  Speaker 2: just told her to stop worrying about it. That's not helpful.
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  Speaker 2: So look, there's a couple of other things that I reckon.
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  Speaker 2: Number one, I think maturity is a thing that we
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  Speaker 2: need to consider here. Some kids mature sooner, some kids
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  Speaker 2: mature later. And I don't know if you've noticed this,
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  Speaker 2: but as you mature, you do tend to become more confident,
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  Speaker 2: You're more likely to have an opinion, You're more likely
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  Speaker 2: to be forward rather than backwards or receding into the scenery.
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  Speaker 2: So I think that it's possible that Tracy's little girl
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  Speaker 2: will grow out of this. And the other thing is
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  Speaker 2: that it could be a personality thing. I mean, some
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  Speaker 2: kids are just introverted. Some adults are introverted. Some kids
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  Speaker 2: are less open to new experiences. There's a one book
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  Speaker 2: by a lady called Susan cain c Ai. In fact,
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  Speaker 2: she's given a ted talk about the power of introverts.
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  Speaker 2: And again this kind of taps into this sense that
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  Speaker 2: Tracy is saying that she wants her daughter to be
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  Speaker 2: more critical and thinking, to have more opinions. But maybe
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  Speaker 2: her daughter is a genuine introvert, and susan Kin's ideas
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  Speaker 2: from her ted talk may be really helpful in recognizing
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  Speaker 2: that this is a strength, and rather than trying to
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  Speaker 2: change this little girl, we need to celebrate the strength
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  Speaker 2: that that introversion brings.
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  Speaker 1: She might not be broken, she may just be different. Yeah,
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  Speaker 1: this might not be a problem. It may just be
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  Speaker 1: one expression now of how she sees the world and
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  Speaker 1: processes differently. I can understand how this could be an
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  Speaker 1: important thing for a mum with a daughter to go.
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  Speaker 1: You don't need somebody else to tell you how to think.
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  Speaker 2: Right in our society, this individualistic culture in which we
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  Speaker 2: are embedded, this is a really you know, it's perceived
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  Speaker 2: as being a really important thing. I don't necessarily agree
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  Speaker 2: that it always has to be, but it's certainly perceived
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  Speaker 2: as that. You know, let's talk really practical stuff for
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  Speaker 2: a second. I find that quite often kids are reluctant
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  Speaker 2: to think critically, or to make inferences or have opinions
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  Speaker 2: because the kinds of feedback that they get when they
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  Speaker 2: do offer their opinions. Yes, I wonder what kinds of
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  Speaker 2: things we say to our children when they express their opinions.
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  Speaker 2: Do we shut them down when they say something that
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  Speaker 2: we don't agree with? Are we like, oh, for goodness sakes,
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  Speaker 2: what a dumb thing to say? Or why would you
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  Speaker 2: think that? Or you've got to be kidding, you don't
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  Speaker 2: know anything. I know of one dad who I overheard
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  Speaker 2: say something to his child who said something about the
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  Speaker 2: whole Donald Trump North Korea thing, and dad just got
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  Speaker 2: really angry. Is that the dying table daughter says something
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  Speaker 2: and he says, what would you know about international politics?
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  Speaker 2: You go on, you do some research right now. You
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  Speaker 2: don't come back to the table until you can tell me.
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  Speaker 2: And then he listed a whole bunch of things that
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  Speaker 2: she needed to research. And know, I'm not convinced that
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  Speaker 2: that kind of an approach is going to encourage our
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  Speaker 2: children to either a think critically or b express their
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  Speaker 2: opinions when we're shutting them down or arguing with them.
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  Speaker 1: Even if you're not that harsh, if they tell you
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  Speaker 1: their opinion twenty times and twenty times you go and
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  Speaker 1: do something else, and they don't have any impact. Then
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  Speaker 1: that tells them what's the point spot on even if
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  Speaker 1: it's not aggressive, even if it's not you know, sort
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  Speaker 1: of in a harsh way. And some personalities will still
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  Speaker 1: keep going because that's how they're wired. But some will go, well,
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  Speaker 1: there's no point in me having a.
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  Speaker 2: Thought, Yeah, raise the white flag, give up yep. So
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  Speaker 2: what can we do instead? Well, I think curiosity is
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  Speaker 2: one of the most powerful things that we can show
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  Speaker 2: as parents. So when our children say something or refuse
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  Speaker 2: to say something, we can ask them questions about that. Oh,
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  Speaker 2: tell me more about why you feel that way, or
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  Speaker 2: I I wonder if you do have an opinion but
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  Speaker 2: you're just a little bit reluctant to share it. We
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  Speaker 2: can get really curious, start to dig a little bit
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  Speaker 2: of poking, bit of prodding, and we should do it sensitively.
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  Speaker 2: We might say things like, you know, I always thought
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  Speaker 2: that you'd have a different opinion around that, or it
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  Speaker 2: seems to me that you're really reluctant to share in
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  Speaker 2: this instance, I wonder whether or not if you did
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  Speaker 2: have an opinion, what it might be. You know, we
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  Speaker 2: can be very gentle with our kids as we try
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  Speaker 2: to extract the information that we're looking for, but we
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  Speaker 2: want to engage them in conversation. It's amazing what happens
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  Speaker 2: when we stop pressuring and simply invite them. We might
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  Speaker 2: even simply say hmm, sometimes it's easier to not have
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  Speaker 2: to think about it at all, isn't it, and let
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  Speaker 2: them know that we actually get how that feels. Because frankly,
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  Speaker 2: wouldn't it be nice if we could do the same
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  Speaker 2: thing every now and again?
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  Speaker 1: And I think about that approach justin in the flip
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  Speaker 1: side of going if twenty times they give their opinion
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  Speaker 1: and nothing is done about it, what if twenty times
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  Speaker 1: they don't give their opinion, but you keep coming back
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  Speaker 1: and asking anyway, what you're communicating to them is actually no, no,
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  Speaker 1: I'm keeping coming back. So I care what you think,
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  Speaker 1: right right?
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  Speaker 2: And ultimately what we're talking about is, well, we're talking
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  Speaker 2: about two things. Number one curiosity a number two encouragement.
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  Speaker 2: I think as parents we might do more to encourage
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  Speaker 2: our children to think about things. And so you know,
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  Speaker 2: I've watched you, and I know that you're a thoughtful person.
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  Speaker 2: I've heard you say things before about other things, and
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  Speaker 2: you've expressed yourself really eloquently the way you articulate things
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  Speaker 2: is extraordinary when you put the time into it. I
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  Speaker 2: wonder what you really think here. I know that you
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  Speaker 2: can come up with a great answer. So as we
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  Speaker 2: encourage our children, as we give them credit for what
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  Speaker 2: they've done in the past, and as we get curious,
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  Speaker 2: I think we can probably solve a lot of Tracy's challenges.
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  Speaker 1: I found back on the introvert thing you mentioned before,
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  Speaker 1: because Susie is an introvert, and I've found it's been
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  Speaker 1: difficult for me because there are times I want to
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  Speaker 1: go and get her opinion on something in the moment,
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  Speaker 1: and what we've had to learn is that I've got
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  Speaker 1: to ask her for opinion the day before I need it,
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  Speaker 1: and then come back, give her time to process and think,
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  Speaker 1: and then I get her opinions. But if I want
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  Speaker 1: it there and then then I rarely get critical thinking
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  Speaker 1: from suits because she's got a process it differently than
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  Speaker 1: I have to process it. I can just chew the
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  Speaker 1: fat now and come up with a solution in ten minutes.
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  Speaker 1: Her brain is wired differently, and if I need her opinion,
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  Speaker 1: I've got to do it on her terms.
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  Speaker 2: And I bet when you give Susie that notice she
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  Speaker 2: comes up which with much better solutions than you would
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  Speaker 2: have in your ten minutes.
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  Speaker 1: That's not really.
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  Speaker 2: That's all right, I just touched a nerve. I'm sorry.
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  Speaker 1: I wouldn't go so far as that.
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  Speaker 3: Doctor Justin Gilson, thanks so much for being willing to
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  Speaker 3: tackle Tracy's question.
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  Speaker 2: We appreciate it. I hope it helps.
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• 9:28
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• 9:31
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• 9:33
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• 9:36
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• 9:38
  Speaker 3: episode as soon as it is uploaded. For more information
• 9:42
  Speaker 3: on all of doctor Justin Coulson's books, programs, and podcasts,
• 9:45
  Speaker 3: go to Happy Families dot com dot au. Or if
• 9:48
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• 9:50
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