Transcript

438. · Do You F*cking Mind?

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1:29
Speaker 1: gonna go straight into it. I'm gonna get through four
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Speaker 1: questions if possible in today's episode.
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Speaker 2: So let's begin, Let's dive straight in.
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Speaker 1: So the title of this one is called Overthinking in
1:43
Speaker 1: a Healthy Relationship. Hi, alexis big fan of the podcast.
1:47
Speaker 1: I've been listening since twenty twenty one or twenty two.
1:50
Speaker 1: Congrats on the pregnancy and your twins.
1:52
Speaker 2: All the best to you and your family. Thank you.
1:55
Speaker 1: I've been grappling with an internal fear for a while
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Speaker 1: and I could use your advice for context. I am
2:00
Speaker 1: twenty nine, almost thirty year old woman living in the US.
2:03
Speaker 1: My partner, thirty year old male, and I have been
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Speaker 1: together for almost a year and will move in together
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Speaker 1: later this summer. He is the best man I have
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Speaker 1: ever been with, and I feel so happy and safe
2:13
Speaker 1: with him. He checks all of my boxes. We're aligned
2:16
Speaker 1: on values and long term goals, and he displays emotional maturity, accountability,
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Speaker 1: good communication, etc.
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Speaker 2: On all fronts.
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Speaker 1: He is the best man I have ever been with,
2:25
Speaker 1: and I feel so happy and safe with him. He
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Speaker 1: checks all of my boxes and we're aligned on values,
2:30
Speaker 1: long term goals, and he displays emotional maturity, accountability, good communication, etc.
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Speaker 2: On all fronts.
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Speaker 1: He has always been supportive and provided comfort when I've
2:39
Speaker 1: needed it. When I keep worrying and psyching myself out
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Speaker 1: is in thinking that things will take a turn for
2:45
Speaker 1: the worst after we move in together.
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Speaker 2: I've read that.
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Speaker 1: Abusive people don't always show their true colors until large milestones,
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Speaker 1: for example moving in together, marriage, kids, or feeling like
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Speaker 1: they are more settled. I've been in toxic relationships before
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Speaker 1: that were clearly bad for the beginning, and did a
3:01
Speaker 1: lot to heal from them, so I'd like to think
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Speaker 1: that my personal healing allows me to better distinguish a
3:05
Speaker 1: good relationship from a bad one. My partner has never
3:09
Speaker 1: done anything that makes me hesitate to take this big
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Speaker 1: step with him.
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Speaker 2: He has always been kind and caring.
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Speaker 1: I think I'm just stuck in my own worries and
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Speaker 1: influenced by the bad relationship stories I have heard on
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Speaker 1: social media and from my families. My mum was in
3:20
Speaker 1: multiple toxic relationships and marriages. I also struggled with self
3:24
Speaker 1: esteem issues in the past that influenced my perspective and
3:27
Speaker 1: relationship choices.
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Speaker 2: My question to you is.
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Speaker 1: How can I get out of my own head and
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Speaker 1: ground myself in reality versus what if situations? How often
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Speaker 1: do these personality flips really happen in healthy long term relationships?
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Speaker 1: Any advice and insight you can give would be so
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Speaker 1: much appreciated. Okay, this is a really great question, and
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Speaker 1: it's not one that I've had come through. I don't
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Speaker 1: think ever about this kind of situation. Now, let's address
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Speaker 1: the final question that you had first, and you said,
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Speaker 1: how often do this personality really like flip in healthy relationships?
4:01
Speaker 2: Not that often? Okay, when we're talking about a healthy relationship.
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Speaker 1: Now, what we need to account for is that we ultimately,
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Speaker 1: ultimately cannot control somebody else.
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Speaker 2: Things can happen in people's lives. Traumatic events can happen in.
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Speaker 1: People's lives, huge upheavals, or life changes that can cause
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Speaker 1: someone to change.
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Speaker 2: We can't ever know for sure.
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Speaker 1: You could never have absolute certainty about what's going to happen.
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Speaker 1: Like you could be in the best relationship ever, but
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Speaker 1: in ten years time, you're divorced and married to someone
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Speaker 1: else who you're absolutely in love with, and you can't
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Speaker 1: fathom how that could be the case.
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Speaker 2: Right, There's so many things.
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Speaker 1: In life that happen along the way due to our experiences,
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Speaker 1: due to how the relationship evolves, how we grow, that
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Speaker 1: we just can't really have certainty over.
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Speaker 2: So that's the first thing that you need to know.
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Speaker 1: You never you can't have someone promise you that they're
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Speaker 1: going to be the same person for the rest of
4:56
Speaker 1: their life, because all they can promise you is what
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Speaker 1: they know now about themselves and about their morals and
5:02
Speaker 1: values and wants as a human. They can't speak for
5:06
Speaker 1: themselves in ten years time. They can't speak for themselves.
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Speaker 1: Like I can't make my partner promise me that he
5:13
Speaker 1: will be in love with me in twenty years time.
5:16
Speaker 1: I can't do that because that would be a fucking
5:19
Speaker 1: stupid promise to make, because we don't know how our
5:22
Speaker 1: lives are going to evolve and the influences that are
5:24
Speaker 1: going to happen and all of the above. Okay, So
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Speaker 1: what you can really focus on is what you get
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Speaker 1: at face value and the relatively.
5:34
Speaker 2: Short term future. Okay, So the next thing that I.
5:37
Speaker 1: Want to address is that you mentioned that you have
5:40
Speaker 1: read that a lot of people don't show their true colors.
5:44
Speaker 1: Where is it you said, abusive people don't always show
5:47
Speaker 1: their true colors into a large milestones.
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Speaker 2: Now, you've been with this guy for a year.
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Speaker 1: So while in a sense that's true, if we're talking
5:54
Speaker 1: about someone who's going to completely change their personality, you know.
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Speaker 2: It's okay.
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Speaker 1: Let's talk about an abusive relationship where someone's trying to
6:01
Speaker 1: hook you in. They pretend to be somebody to get
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Speaker 1: you to fall in love with them, whether it's love bombing,
6:06
Speaker 1: whether it's just the your typical narcissist too, you know,
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Speaker 1: shows one side of them and then they.
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Speaker 2: Show their true colors later on.
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Speaker 1: That does happen, but it is very rare, very rare
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Speaker 1: for someone to be able to sustain such good character
6:20
Speaker 1: for a full year. They're likely to have tried to
6:24
Speaker 1: move in with you a lot earlier, to have tried
6:26
Speaker 1: to manipulate you in different ways. What you're probably referring
6:30
Speaker 1: to is when people don't see the signs of what
6:34
Speaker 1: manipulation looks like, or or the signs have been there,
6:39
Speaker 1: but they're not interpreting it as unhealthy signs until they're
6:42
Speaker 1: really into deep and then they're like, oh my god,
6:44
Speaker 1: this is a really abusive relationship that I've found myself in.
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Speaker 1: And this normally happens because maybe they haven't been in
6:51
Speaker 1: a position to even realize the signs.
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Speaker 2: Maybe they've never been in this kind of relationship before.
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Speaker 1: Maybe, for example, one of the key things is to
6:57
Speaker 1: isolate you from your group. But if your will to
7:00
Speaker 1: be isolated, and if you're like, yep, I'm one of
7:02
Speaker 1: those people that can bail on all my friends and
7:03
Speaker 1: everyone and just you're probably not going to realize that
7:06
Speaker 1: this is a huge red flag because you're going along
7:09
Speaker 1: with it quite willingly, and it's not until later on
7:11
Speaker 1: that you're like, WHOA, I can see all these signs
7:13
Speaker 1: that were happening, but you seem to have a really
7:16
Speaker 1: good understanding of what a toxic relationship is versus healthy.
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Speaker 2: One year is a very long time.
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Speaker 1: It's way too long for them to invest and pretend
7:25
Speaker 1: to be someone that they're not in order to see
7:28
Speaker 1: if they're able to manipulate you.
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Speaker 2: That's just way too long.
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Speaker 1: Okay, So if you know the warning signs, like are
7:35
Speaker 1: they trying to isolate me.
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Speaker 2: Are they love bombing me?
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Speaker 1: Have I noticed that they try and put me down
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Speaker 1: when I do things that are related to just me
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Speaker 1: as an individual? You know, like all these like little
7:46
Speaker 1: warning signs of how someone can be toxic. If you
7:48
Speaker 1: kind of can already look up for those warning signs,
7:50
Speaker 1: which it seems that you can, then.
7:53
Speaker 2: You would have already seen these crop up. Now. I
7:56
Speaker 2: so that's separate.
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Speaker 1: So I don't think that if you have someone really
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Speaker 1: healthy for a full year, they're not going to turn
8:02
Speaker 1: into like a toxic person or a narcissist. You've seen
8:04
Speaker 1: their character, You've learned their character. Okay, what you might
8:07
Speaker 1: notice is that when you move in with someone you
8:11
Speaker 1: realize that you actually don't align on certain things. That
8:14
Speaker 1: doesn't make them toxic and it doesn't make the relationship toxic.
8:17
Speaker 2: But for example, what you need.
8:19
Speaker 1: To know about before you move in with someone, and
8:21
Speaker 1: hopefully you have gathered this because you've spent time at
8:24
Speaker 1: their place, is what are your standards like living at home?
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Speaker 1: How capable are you of looking after yourself? Or do
8:30
Speaker 1: you have expectations of me? What are your expectations.
8:33
Speaker 2: Of me when we move in?
8:36
Speaker 1: And what expectations should I have of you when we
8:39
Speaker 1: move in?
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Speaker 2: And do we align on that?
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Speaker 1: Like, there's a lot of conversations that you can have
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Speaker 1: on like you know, what's it going to look like
8:47
Speaker 1: when we move in, But as far as how they
8:50
Speaker 1: treat you and the underlying morals and values that shouldn't change.
8:56
Speaker 2: Okay, So.
8:59
Speaker 1: You know, and then when you look at you know,
9:01
Speaker 1: when people flip with major milestones. Like one thing that
9:03
Speaker 1: people have written to me a lot about is when
9:06
Speaker 1: people have kids and all of a sudden, they're like,
9:09
Speaker 1: I just realized that my partner doesn't actually want to
9:12
Speaker 1: be a dad. They mentioned that they wanted kids, they
9:15
Speaker 1: wanted kids, but the kids have come along and then
9:17
Speaker 1: they've never done anything. But this is also the same
9:20
Speaker 1: partner that isn't helpful with their wives when they're recovering
9:26
Speaker 1: from birth. It's the same partner that it's like, anyway,
9:29
Speaker 1: I'm going to go now and they kind of leave
9:30
Speaker 1: the house.
9:31
Speaker 2: It's the same partner that.
9:32
Speaker 1: Still expected you to pick up after them when they're
9:35
Speaker 1: not pulling their weight in another way, at least, it's
9:38
Speaker 1: the same person. So a lot of people don't see
9:42
Speaker 1: the warning signs that already exist, right they don't see
9:47
Speaker 1: that this person was never really exhibiting selfless behaviors within
9:53
Speaker 1: the relationship in the first place. You know, whether they
9:55
Speaker 1: were a workaholic, whether they didn't really do anything for
9:58
Speaker 1: the greater good of the couple.
10:00
Speaker 2: Then you have kids and.
10:01
Speaker 1: You're like, whoa, oh my god, they've flipped. It's like,
10:03
Speaker 1: did they flip? Or are these behaviors now now amplified? Okay,
10:08
Speaker 1: so you've got to ask yourself, do I understand my
10:11
Speaker 1: partner's character well enough? Do I think this person's going
10:14
Speaker 1: to flip and become toxic after a year?
10:16
Speaker 2: I doubt it.
10:16
Speaker 1: If they're not toxic in the first year, they're not
10:18
Speaker 1: going to be toxic. But one thing that you need
10:20
Speaker 1: to ask yourself is are we aligned on like coexisting
10:24
Speaker 1: together in the same household, because that might pisce you
10:27
Speaker 1: the fuck off. It doesn't make someone toxic, but it
10:29
Speaker 1: can make you fall out of love with someone if
10:31
Speaker 1: they're a slob, or if they're like expecting you to
10:34
Speaker 1: do more around the house than you do for them,
10:36
Speaker 1: but you still split the bills evenly.
10:38
Speaker 2: That kind of shit.
10:39
Speaker 1: Okay, So in a nutshell, I think that you are
10:44
Speaker 1: psyching yourself out about this toxic thing. One year is
10:48
Speaker 1: way like it's a significant amount of time to understand
10:50
Speaker 1: if someone's going to try and manipulate you or be
10:52
Speaker 1: toxic or not. So the most that you can do
10:55
Speaker 1: is have those questions, sit him down before you move
10:57
Speaker 1: in and say, hey, I'm pumped about moving in together.
11:00
Speaker 1: I just want to know what are your expectations of
11:02
Speaker 1: me and vice versa, How would we split chores? How
11:06
Speaker 1: would these things look like? And then you can walk
11:09
Speaker 1: into this like quite comfortably. You know, for example, I
11:13
Speaker 1: do all the folding. I don't think Tyrone has ever
11:16
Speaker 1: folded one item of clothing. However, he cooks ninety nine
11:20
Speaker 1: percent of the meals in the household, right, so it's
11:23
Speaker 1: not about things being fifty to fifty like I have
11:25
Speaker 1: a private chef basically, and then I fold the clothes
11:28
Speaker 1: like you know, you can take full jobs off each
11:31
Speaker 1: other's hands so the other person doesn't have to think
11:33
Speaker 1: about that. So yeah, in a nutshell, I think you'll
11:36
Speaker 1: be fine.
11:37
Speaker 2: But yeah, thank you for writing in.
11:42
Speaker 1: Sense sense Okay, second question, Hi Alexis. Firstly, just wanted
11:51
Speaker 1: to say thank you for doing the podcast and sharing
11:53
Speaker 1: your knowledge. You've helped me in so many ways in
11:55
Speaker 1: the past year, you've become like a sister. I never
11:58
Speaker 1: had thank you question related to self esteem and feeling
12:02
Speaker 1: worthless at work. I had a pretty bad work experience
12:05
Speaker 1: a year ago where I was severely bullied at work,
12:07
Speaker 1: which is fucked, which ended up affecting my confidence and
12:11
Speaker 1: caused me anxiety at work. I thankfully left that place
12:14
Speaker 1: and I got some professional help, and I thought I've
12:17
Speaker 1: gone through it. But at the new workplace, I am
12:20
Speaker 1: noticing some thoughts I'm not used to. I noticed when
12:23
Speaker 1: I'm not invited to the meetings, but my colleague, who
12:26
Speaker 1: is a level above me, is I feel left out.
12:29
Speaker 1: I start thinking if I had done something wrong, and
12:32
Speaker 1: I noticed I'm starting to get into a pretty a
12:35
Speaker 1: petty place in my head. This is not normal for me.
12:38
Speaker 1: But then I also I am noticing some jealousy appearing.
12:41
Speaker 1: My question is how do I stop myself from thinking
12:43
Speaker 1: this way and prevent myself from getting into a rabbit
12:46
Speaker 1: hole of these thoughts and feelings. I know my boss
12:48
Speaker 1: value is me, and even if I don't get tasks
12:51
Speaker 1: to do because someone else does, that doesn't mean I'm
12:53
Speaker 1: bad at my work.
12:54
Speaker 2: Are there any.
12:55
Speaker 1: Techniques that could help and stop intrusive thoughts overpower me
12:58
Speaker 1: and become bitter work that I love.
13:01
Speaker 2: Thank you again. Okay, great question.
13:04
Speaker 1: I think that you are actually already halfway there in
13:07
Speaker 1: the sense that you already have an awareness around these
13:10
Speaker 1: thoughts that you're having. So that's step one to become
13:14
Speaker 1: aware of your thoughts. You know that just because someone
13:18
Speaker 1: else gets given a task and you don't get given
13:20
Speaker 1: a task, that is not a reflection off your work.
13:22
Speaker 1: You also know there's many, many things that you know
13:25
Speaker 1: other than the things that you could actively be doing,
13:28
Speaker 1: because there's behaviors that you can do, and then there's
13:32
Speaker 1: training your thoughts. So let's talk about the behaviors first,
13:34
Speaker 1: which you've probably already done. The behaviors you can do
13:37
Speaker 1: is speak to your boss and say, I'm always willing
13:40
Speaker 1: to take on you tasks. If you're ever wondering, please
13:42
Speaker 1: ask me. I'm hungry to do more. I love being
13:46
Speaker 1: given more tasks, like show how keen you are, because
13:50
Speaker 1: a lot of the time, especially if it's a great boss,
13:53
Speaker 1: they're going to try and even out the workload. They're
13:55
Speaker 1: not going to put everything on you. If they care
13:58
Speaker 1: about their staff, they're going to be like.
13:59
Speaker 2: All right, a little bit for you, a little bit
14:01
Speaker 2: for you.
14:01
Speaker 1: You know, I'm going to try and like even at
14:03
Speaker 1: the playing field, but if one staff member is coming
14:05
Speaker 1: up being like, I want more, give me more. I'm keen,
14:08
Speaker 1: get me on this project, get me working on that,
14:11
Speaker 1: they're going to be like, I didn't realize you were
14:13
Speaker 1: you wanted to be to be across more things. Great,
14:18
Speaker 1: I'll keep that in mind, you know, so that behaviorally,
14:21
Speaker 1: I would do that just in case you haven't already
14:23
Speaker 1: done that, because then it gives your boss that like, okay, yeah, awesome.
14:27
Speaker 1: And the beauty of that is if your boss doesn't
14:29
Speaker 1: think you're ready, it gives you an opportunity to have
14:31
Speaker 1: that conversation because your boss could be like, you know what,
14:33
Speaker 1: I'm so happy you said that.
14:35
Speaker 2: However, I'm just waiting for you to be here another six.
14:37
Speaker 1: Months just so you're a bit more experienced, and then
14:39
Speaker 1: I know you'll have it and then I'll be able like,
14:41
Speaker 1: but regardless, you're going to be either given more work
14:45
Speaker 1: or you're going to get that nice feedback off kind
14:48
Speaker 1: of where your boss sees you at and when they
14:50
Speaker 1: can start giving you more work, okay, And then if
14:52
Speaker 1: they say oh, be another six months. Then that can
14:55
Speaker 1: open it up for you to be like, great, what
14:56
Speaker 1: would be the milestones that you would need to see
14:59
Speaker 1: me here in order to be able to work on
15:01
Speaker 1: these things. So that way it's tangible, it's measurable, And
15:04
Speaker 1: then that could be like, yeah, right, I would like
15:06
Speaker 1: to see whatever. They'll be able to give you an
15:08
Speaker 1: exact like what I need to see from you in
15:10
Speaker 1: order to this, or they just might start giving you
15:12
Speaker 1: more work. Right, So that's behaviorally what I would do.
15:15
Speaker 1: That way, it's open communication. Everyone's across the same thing
15:20
Speaker 1: at the same time. Mentally, it's exactly what you're already doing.
15:25
Speaker 1: You are just re writing your thoughts as they're happening.
15:30
Speaker 1: We will have an automatic thought which occurs based on conditioning.
15:34
Speaker 1: And your conditioning was heavily locked in in your old
15:39
Speaker 1: job because you were bullied, you felt really shit about yourself,
15:42
Speaker 1: you were made to like it really took a blow
15:45
Speaker 1: to your self esteem, and those things, especially things that
15:47
Speaker 1: are really heightened in emotions, really lock in that conditioning.
15:51
Speaker 1: Anything that's laid with intense emotions kind of solidifies a
15:55
Speaker 1: memory pretty fucking strung. So you're aware of that, right,
16:01
Speaker 1: So you just have to say I've been conditioned. Now
16:05
Speaker 1: I'm going to recondition myself in a different way, and
16:08
Speaker 1: the best way to do that is through rewriting. So,
16:11
Speaker 1: when you have those thoughts and you're going to keep
16:13
Speaker 1: having them for you for a time period, not forever,
16:16
Speaker 1: but for a time period, you see your colleague get
16:18
Speaker 1: pulled in, name the thoughts. Just say, oh, I'm feeling
16:21
Speaker 1: what I used to feel in my old job. I
16:22
Speaker 1: feel left out, I feel excluded, i feel jealous.
16:26
Speaker 2: I feel all these.
16:27
Speaker 1: Things, and then start and then dig a little bit deeper,
16:29
Speaker 1: but more analytical, be like, Okay, where's the jealousy coming from?
16:33
Speaker 2: Why is that?
16:34
Speaker 1: Would I think that my colleague would feel jealous if
16:38
Speaker 1: I was the one pulled into the meeting? Would I
16:39
Speaker 1: think that that would be fair? Would I feel bad
16:41
Speaker 1: for my colleague? Or would I think no, like there's
16:43
Speaker 1: some jobs that I do in some jobs. So you
16:44
Speaker 1: start to rationalize these thoughts and you think, well, no,
16:47
Speaker 1: I wouldn't because it makes sense that each people are
16:50
Speaker 1: pulled in for different reasons. We don't the whole team
16:52
Speaker 1: doesn't have to be across everything. Then you start to think,
16:55
Speaker 1: you know, why would they You know, when they have
16:57
Speaker 1: a meeting without meet It's got nothing to do with me.
17:00
Speaker 2: It's got to do with the project that they're working on,
17:01
Speaker 2: of course. So then you start to ease those thoughts of.
17:04
Speaker 1: Like, oh my god, they're excluding me to being like, oh, yep,
17:07
Speaker 1: they're just bringing in the relevant people for that thing.
17:09
Speaker 1: And it is just that every time you come up
17:12
Speaker 1: with it, you come up with at least three counter
17:14
Speaker 1: thoughts that start to take you off that ledge, being like,
17:18
Speaker 1: here's a logical thought, here's a logical thought.
17:20
Speaker 2: Here's the logical thought.
17:21
Speaker 1: And then you think, yeah, of course, of course, now
17:23
Speaker 1: I feel a lot better. And then you do it
17:25
Speaker 1: again and again and again. The main thing, excuse me,
17:30
Speaker 1: the main thing is nip it in the butt. The
17:33
Speaker 1: moment you start to feel these emotions come up, name
17:36
Speaker 1: it being like ooh, I'm getting this feeling that I
17:39
Speaker 1: used to feel in my old job. Now let's go
17:41
Speaker 1: through that exercise and you do it again, and you
17:43
Speaker 1: do it again, and I can guarantee you you will
17:46
Speaker 1: start to notice crazy improvements. And the reason for that
17:50
Speaker 1: is often these emotions and feelings go unchecked. We let
17:53
Speaker 1: them like, oh my god, they feel so bad that
17:57
Speaker 1: we think that addressing them is going to be more
18:00
Speaker 1: more painful than just ignoring them. But ignoring them is
18:03
Speaker 1: actually more painful. And the reason for that is when
18:05
Speaker 1: you start to feel this anxiety come up, like they've
18:07
Speaker 1: been put into a meeting.
18:08
Speaker 2: Now I'm anxious.
18:09
Speaker 1: What our initial stages is that anxiety feels so unpleasant,
18:12
Speaker 1: I'm gonna try and suppress it. So then you're suppressing
18:16
Speaker 1: the anxiety. You're trying to distract, You're trying to do things.
18:18
Speaker 1: You go and like make yourself a coffee, you do,
18:20
Speaker 1: and before you know it, you've got this this underlying
18:23
Speaker 1: anxiety through everything you're doing. It feels awful physically, but
18:27
Speaker 1: you're not addressing it, so it's actually bleeding into every
18:31
Speaker 1: other area of your life. And we think that if
18:33
Speaker 1: we address it, the anxiety will be catastrophic, but it's
18:36
Speaker 1: the opposite. When you shed light on it, you know,
18:39
Speaker 1: like you know the you know, you put a spotlight
18:43
Speaker 1: on it, you can't grow any further. You are staring
18:45
Speaker 1: at it, and then it starts to shrink. That's with
18:48
Speaker 1: like any negative feeling of fear and anxiety or whatever it's,
18:52
Speaker 1: you know, as long as you're not catastrophizing. It's I'm
18:55
Speaker 1: pausing and I'm observing, not oh my god, I'm anxious. Now,
18:57
Speaker 1: let's think of another ten anxious thoughts. It's the difference
19:00
Speaker 1: is I'm looking at it logically and saying, Okay, what
19:04
Speaker 1: am I anxious about?
19:04
Speaker 2: Exactly?
19:06
Speaker 1: Why do I think I'm anxious about this because of
19:08
Speaker 1: how I've been conditioned with my old job.
19:09
Speaker 2: Yep? Cool?
19:10
Speaker 1: And then what are reasons why this wouldn't be the case.
19:13
Speaker 1: Let's try and do it again and again and again
19:16
Speaker 1: and again. Don't avoid the feelings, and I can guarantee
19:18
Speaker 1: you in a few weeks you'll start to notice a difference,
19:21
Speaker 1: and in a few months you'll be like, I'm a
19:23
Speaker 1: different person all together when it comes to addressing these feelings.
19:27
Speaker 1: Thank you for sending that in Okay, next question, I
19:34
Speaker 1: love my partner. He doesn't want another child. Oh hi,
19:38
Speaker 1: alexis I feel really heavy? Last night I spoke with
19:41
Speaker 1: my partner and we basically split ways. We've been together
19:44
Speaker 1: one year and five months. Ever since we got together,
19:46
Speaker 1: I told him upfront I wanted another child. So I'm
19:50
Speaker 1: guessing you have a kid, and he yeah, I wanted
19:54
Speaker 1: another child.
19:54
Speaker 2: He said he would be open to it. PS.
19:57
Speaker 1: He has already had a vasectomy and he has to
20:00
Speaker 1: kids already, so he's got two kids.
20:01
Speaker 2: You've got one, and then you got together.
20:03
Speaker 1: Okay, I just wanted one more, as I've always dreamed
20:06
Speaker 1: to have more than one, and so my daughter has
20:08
Speaker 1: a sibling as I didn't. A few months ago he
20:11
Speaker 1: said he decided he definitely doesn't want one now and
20:14
Speaker 1: ever since, I've been processing it and have come to
20:17
Speaker 1: terms now with the fact that.
20:18
Speaker 2: I already resent him.
20:20
Speaker 1: It hurts seeing how good of a dad he already
20:22
Speaker 1: is and that I don't get to experience this with him.
20:25
Speaker 2: But I am so scared to leave him.
20:27
Speaker 1: He's been the first relationship I've ever had where he's
20:29
Speaker 1: treated me so well and just the same for our
20:32
Speaker 1: whole relationship. He was one that brought me flowers every
20:35
Speaker 1: now and then out of nowhere. We have trust in
20:37
Speaker 1: each other. He was not toxic, and he just had
20:39
Speaker 1: his life together in the same ways that I do.
20:42
Speaker 1: We have the same future goals, except for this major one.
20:46
Speaker 1: I'm really struggling with my choice, and I can't decide
20:48
Speaker 1: if he is it and if I should give up
20:51
Speaker 1: on the idea for him or if someday I will
20:53
Speaker 1: find someone that treats me like he did and want
20:56
Speaker 1: another child.
20:57
Speaker 2: It feels like it's too good to be true and
20:59
Speaker 2: the unknown is scary. Thank you.
21:01
Speaker 1: This is a really difficult decision for you to make.
21:03
Speaker 1: It's a really really difficult decision because, firstly, okay, let's
21:09
Speaker 1: let's let's put aside the fact that it sucks that
21:11
Speaker 1: he said he was open to it and then he
21:13
Speaker 1: changed his mind and turned around, because had he said
21:15
Speaker 1: this from the very get go, you probably wouldn't have
21:17
Speaker 1: like gone down this path and fallen in love with
21:20
Speaker 1: him and all of that, because you would have been like, well,
21:21
Speaker 1: I'm not going to entertain this, but people change.
21:24
Speaker 2: Their minds, as you know, whatever, Like it is what
21:26
Speaker 2: it is. Let's deal with.
21:27
Speaker 1: What's happening right now. That's the only thing that we
21:30
Speaker 1: can have some semblance.
21:32
Speaker 2: Of control over. And you don't also don't want to
21:34
Speaker 2: like psych yourself out thinking well, why did he, why
21:36
Speaker 2: didn't he? Why what's done is done?
21:39
Speaker 1: So let's let's talk about you saying I can't decide
21:46
Speaker 1: if he is it and if I should give up
21:47
Speaker 1: on the idea of him. He's now told you where
21:51
Speaker 1: he's at he is clear on the fact that now
21:53
Speaker 1: he's made up his mind and he doesn't want children.
21:57
Speaker 1: And I think that he had actually made up that
21:59
Speaker 1: decision along. If he's had of vseectomy, he's probably always
22:03
Speaker 1: been in that on that side, leaning towards that side.
22:07
Speaker 1: He obviously was very sure he didn't want to have
22:09
Speaker 1: kids again when he had the physeectomy.
22:11
Speaker 2: Then he met you probably got all like starry, I've
22:13
Speaker 2: got all excited, but.
22:14
Speaker 1: Deep down his underlying thing was probably I'm probably never
22:17
Speaker 1: gonna have any more of my own kids again. Okay,
22:20
Speaker 1: And now he's like really thought it again, being like no, no, no, no, no,
22:23
Speaker 1: I'm back to my original belief that I don't want kids.
22:26
Speaker 1: So I believe based on the fact that he has
22:28
Speaker 1: a vaseectomy, and based on the fact that he's you know,
22:30
Speaker 1: it's been the year and he's told you this, that
22:32
Speaker 1: he's he's probably sure about that. So it's not about
22:36
Speaker 1: giving up on him or trying harder or whatever. What
22:39
Speaker 1: you see is what you get, so you've got to
22:43
Speaker 1: it's he will not change. Imagine that whether he changes
22:48
Speaker 1: or not is irrelevant. We're looking at face value what
22:50
Speaker 1: we get, and he's opened up to you, and he's
22:52
Speaker 1: being honest, So I don't think it's about giving up
22:55
Speaker 1: on him or whatever. You've got to look at what
22:57
Speaker 1: is my ultimate non negotiable. What to me is a
23:00
Speaker 1: thing that I need to work towards and I need
23:02
Speaker 1: to do whatever I can.
23:03
Speaker 2: To have that thing.
23:04
Speaker 1: And if for you it's having the second child, then
23:07
Speaker 1: he is just not part of that, unfortunately, And that's
23:10
Speaker 1: a really hard call to make, but that is the
23:12
Speaker 1: reality of the situation, okay, because, like you said, you
23:16
Speaker 1: were already starting to resent him because he's not the
23:18
Speaker 1: perfect partner. If you are resenting him, someone cannot be
23:22
Speaker 1: the perfect partner. If you just cannot get rid of
23:25
Speaker 1: this resentment, being like, there's this major.
23:27
Speaker 2: Thing in my life that I really feel like I
23:30
Speaker 2: have to have.
23:30
Speaker 1: In order for me to feel fulfilled and happy. And
23:34
Speaker 1: you know, I want my child to have a simpling.
23:36
Speaker 1: Whatever your personal reasons are, if this is so important
23:39
Speaker 1: to you.
23:40
Speaker 2: You will resent him staying with him guaranteed.
23:44
Speaker 1: So you've got to ask yourself, is it possible for
23:47
Speaker 1: me to let go of that idea of having the
23:50
Speaker 1: second child. It doesn't seem like it, and nor should
23:53
Speaker 1: you have to. I'm just asking you questions. I'm throwing
23:56
Speaker 1: it out there for you to start to But if
23:58
Speaker 1: you're like, you know what, I can imagine a life
24:01
Speaker 1: where I just have the one kid. I can imagine
24:03
Speaker 1: the life where you know, and it's actually doable and
24:05
Speaker 1: it's actually beautiful for all these reasons. But from what
24:09
Speaker 1: I gather, that's not where your head is at. So
24:12
Speaker 1: in my opinion, I think you've done the right thing
24:16
Speaker 1: when it comes to children. I think children are pretty
24:19
Speaker 1: non negotiable in that regard. Someone should never negotiate into
24:23
Speaker 1: having kids if they don't want kids, bad fucking idea.
24:27
Speaker 2: And you shouldn't do it the other way around. Either.
24:29
Speaker 1: You shouldn't not have children because someone else doesn't want
24:32
Speaker 1: you to have children, Like that's also terrible. I think
24:35
Speaker 1: this is just such a Kids are probably one of
24:37
Speaker 1: the biggest life changing decisions that you ever make, if
24:40
Speaker 1: not the biggest, alongside who you choose to be with.
24:44
Speaker 1: That it's not something that someone else can really influence
24:48
Speaker 1: you one way or the other, purely because you end
24:50
Speaker 1: up resenting them and you end up feeling like your
24:52
Speaker 1: life's being kind.
24:53
Speaker 2: Of rail roaded into a different direction that you never wanted.
24:55
Speaker 2: So as difficult as it is, I actually think you've
24:58
Speaker 2: made the right decision. You've parted ways.
25:01
Speaker 1: It really hurts, of course it hurts because you're with
25:03
Speaker 1: a good partner and that's nice. Is it possible for
25:06
Speaker 1: you to find a great partner again? Of course it is,
25:09
Speaker 1: of course it's possible. Don't live in this mindset of scarcity.
25:12
Speaker 2: Will it take? Like, how long will that take? We
25:13
Speaker 2: don't know.
25:14
Speaker 1: But I also think that if you've still got this
25:16
Speaker 1: dream of having the second child, being with him won't
25:19
Speaker 1: be as beautiful as you think it is, no matter
25:21
Speaker 1: how nice he is, because you will resent him.
25:23
Speaker 2: You'll resent him, and then worse, later down.
25:26
Speaker 1: The track, you will resent yourself for not listening to
25:29
Speaker 1: your gut and not doing what you wanted to do
25:31
Speaker 1: to have a second child. Okay, you will kick yourself,
25:35
Speaker 1: and resenting yourself down the line is so.
25:38
Speaker 2: Difficult to let go off. It's so difficult because it's like.
25:41
Speaker 1: I knew at the time that I didn't want to
25:44
Speaker 1: be in this situation, and I pushed past anyway.
25:46
Speaker 2: I didn't listen to myself.
25:48
Speaker 1: You're listening to yourself right now, and as painful as
25:51
Speaker 1: it is, you are doing what what is within your
25:55
Speaker 1: power to try and make your deepest desire in life happen.
26:00
Speaker 2: I think that that's.
26:01
Speaker 1: Really strong and difficult, but it's the first step to
26:06
Speaker 1: get to where you want in your life. And you
26:08
Speaker 1: know it's hard, but you're doing it, and that's all
26:11
Speaker 1: I can say. I think you know you've made the
26:12
Speaker 1: right decision, all right. Last question. She says, it's just
26:20
Speaker 1: a rental. I say, it's a red flag in a
26:22
Speaker 1: red house. These titles are fucking great. I'm very excited
26:26
Speaker 1: to read this.
26:28
Speaker 2: Hi, Lexis.
26:29
Speaker 1: I love your takeaway on something that's really been eating
26:31
Speaker 1: away at me. I live with my best friend let's
26:34
Speaker 1: call her live. I love this because my best friend
26:37
Speaker 1: has lived let's call her live, and she recently made
26:39
Speaker 1: a decision that changed our friendship.
26:41
Speaker 2: A few years ago, she broke up with her ex
26:43
Speaker 2: let's call him Ryan.
26:45
Speaker 1: At the time, he seemed all right, but there were
26:47
Speaker 1: some real misalignments, ongoing drug use, lack of quality time,
26:51
Speaker 1: and emotional distance. She made the tough choice to walk
26:54
Speaker 1: away after lots of patients and missed deadlines with him.
26:57
Speaker 1: After the breakup, they briefly tried again, but it ended
27:00
Speaker 1: up in manipulation. Emotional trauma and a pregnancy she terminated
27:03
Speaker 1: after he pressured her too. He didn't show up for her,
27:07
Speaker 1: and two months later he got someone else pregnant and
27:09
Speaker 1: stayed with them. I supported her through all of it,
27:12
Speaker 1: the heartbreak, the grief, the aftermath. Since then, she's kept quiet.
27:16
Speaker 1: She's quietly kept him in her life. She's lied about
27:20
Speaker 1: seeing him, gotten defensive when I gently bring up my concerns,
27:25
Speaker 1: and more recently had him at our house without telling me.
27:28
Speaker 1: Now she's moving into a rental on his parents' property.
27:32
Speaker 1: She swears it's purely practical.
27:34
Speaker 2: He won't be around.
27:35
Speaker 1: The rent's cheap, and she wants a space where her
27:38
Speaker 1: niece and nephew can visit.
27:39
Speaker 2: Her family supports it.
27:41
Speaker 1: To her, it's a fresh start. To me, it looks
27:43
Speaker 1: like a slow slide back into something.
27:45
Speaker 2: That already broke her.
27:46
Speaker 1: I told her I need to take a step back
27:47
Speaker 1: from our friendship, not because I don't care, but because
27:50
Speaker 1: I do.
27:51
Speaker 2: She says I'm judging her and that she.
27:53
Speaker 1: Would support me if the roles were reversed. But the
27:55
Speaker 1: truth is I don't trust her right now. I don't
27:57
Speaker 1: trust the decisions she's making, or that she's honest with herself,
28:01
Speaker 1: And on top of all of that, her leaving early
28:04
Speaker 1: means I'm left scrambling to find a new flatmate, dealing
28:06
Speaker 1: with the landlord, and trying to cover rise and costs.
28:09
Speaker 1: I didn't ask for this chaos, and it's affecting me too.
28:11
Speaker 1: So my question is am I overreacting for pulling away
28:14
Speaker 1: from someone I love because I can't keep watching her
28:17
Speaker 1: repeat this cycle? Or am I the only one being
28:19
Speaker 1: honest about the impact this has on her.
28:22
Speaker 2: And on our relationship? Would really love your thoughts.
28:24
Speaker 1: Okay, I actually think there's two separate things going on
28:27
Speaker 1: here that you need to address the number. The first
28:29
Speaker 1: thing that we're going to address is the second part
28:31
Speaker 1: that you said, is that her leaving early means you
28:34
Speaker 1: are scrambling to find a new flatmate, dealing with the landlord.
28:38
Speaker 2: That's her responsibility.
28:40
Speaker 1: Let's put aside the second part, which we're gonna address
28:42
Speaker 1: in a second.
28:43
Speaker 2: She can't leave you fucking.
28:44
Speaker 1: High and dry if you're both I don't know, maybe
28:46
Speaker 1: you're not, but if you were both on the lease,
28:48
Speaker 1: this is her responsibility to find the new flatmate and
28:52
Speaker 1: to replace them to whatever and all of that. Okay,
28:56
Speaker 1: she needs to step in and own her shit. If
28:59
Speaker 1: she's going to move out earth, she needs to make
29:01
Speaker 1: up for the fact that she's leaving you high and dry.
29:04
Speaker 2: That's that's just what a normal person would do.
29:07
Speaker 1: But then lay it on top of that as a friend,
29:10
Speaker 1: if I was moving out of my friend's place, there's
29:14
Speaker 1: no way in hell I would do that without already
29:17
Speaker 1: having an alternative person moved in, so there's no financial
29:21
Speaker 1: strain on my friend. Okay, So even if I wasn't
29:25
Speaker 1: on the lease, I would just never do that to
29:27
Speaker 1: a friend of mine. That would be so fucked up
29:31
Speaker 1: because you both obviously agreed to live in the same
29:32
Speaker 1: place you have, like you've made an agreement.
29:34
Speaker 2: So that's really important.
29:36
Speaker 1: I think you need to That in and of itself
29:38
Speaker 1: should be addressed separately to your feelings about what's happening.
29:43
Speaker 1: You know, on the side, so I don't know the
29:45
Speaker 1: details off that, I don't know who exactly is on
29:47
Speaker 1: the lease, but this is also adding to your frustration,
29:53
Speaker 1: and try your best to look at them as two
29:56
Speaker 1: individual things for the sake of the advice that I'm
29:59
Speaker 1: giving you. But yeah, it's putting you in financial strain,
30:04
Speaker 1: potentially financial strain.
30:06
Speaker 2: You know you said, you're trying to cover rise and costs.
30:09
Speaker 1: That's just absolutely not fair, and that is enough to
30:12
Speaker 1: turn you off your friend in and off itself. If
30:14
Speaker 1: my friend bailed on me and left me high and dry,
30:17
Speaker 1: and then I was covering the costs, I'd be pissed off,
30:20
Speaker 1: not to mention everything else that's going on. So that's
30:22
Speaker 1: one thing that needs to be addressed, because that's just
30:26
Speaker 1: like poor behavior on her end. Now let's address what's
30:31
Speaker 1: going on. You know, you're saying you need to take
30:34
Speaker 1: a step back from the friendship and all of that.
30:36
Speaker 1: You're saying that she's not being honest with herself and
30:39
Speaker 1: all of this look Unfortunately, it is not our responsibility
30:44
Speaker 1: to ensure that our friends are honest with themselves. I
30:46
Speaker 1: have watched so many of my friends make very unhealthy
30:50
Speaker 1: decisions for themselves repeatedly.
30:53
Speaker 2: Okay, but.
30:56
Speaker 1: I also value everything else that comes with this friendship.
31:01
Speaker 1: So for me, with my friends, they could go down
31:05
Speaker 1: a bad path with someone again and again and again,
31:08
Speaker 1: and I would never walk away from them. I would
31:12
Speaker 1: try my best to get them to see the light.
31:16
Speaker 1: I would also not necessarily be their sounding board every time,
31:21
Speaker 1: like there's been times where with certain friends. I've said,
31:24
Speaker 1: you know what, I think you need a new perspective
31:26
Speaker 1: other than mine, because I've given you my perspective and
31:29
Speaker 1: you've come to me asking for advice. You've not come
31:32
Speaker 1: to me to vent. You've come to me asking for advice,
31:35
Speaker 1: and I try and help you out, but it's kind
31:38
Speaker 1: of the same repeated patterns. So I'm here for you,
31:41
Speaker 1: always love you so much. However, I think you need
31:43
Speaker 1: to broaden who seek advice from because I can't actually
31:47
Speaker 1: help you here because I've given you everything i can
31:51
Speaker 1: in my knowledge book to try and help you, but
31:54
Speaker 1: it doesn't resonate with you, which.
31:55
Speaker 2: Is perfectly okay.
31:57
Speaker 1: But in like, basically politely stop coming to me with
32:00
Speaker 1: the same fucking drama again and again and again asking
32:02
Speaker 1: for advice. Okay, if you need a shoulder to cry on,
32:05
Speaker 1: if you need help, of course I'm going to be
32:07
Speaker 1: there for you. We're friends, but you know, like, broaden
32:10
Speaker 1: where you're getting advice from because what I say doesn't
32:12
Speaker 1: resonate with you, which is absolutely perfectly fun. So I
32:16
Speaker 1: wouldn't walk away from my friends even if I'm like,
32:19
Speaker 1: you're making a detrimental decision for yourself, I would walk
32:22
Speaker 1: away from my friends if I thought that they were
32:25
Speaker 1: abandoning the friendship and they were being a bad friend.
32:29
Speaker 1: So you've got to ask yourself, is this person being
32:32
Speaker 1: a bad friend? Because another thing that's really important to
32:35
Speaker 1: note when it comes to friendships is people will get
32:38
Speaker 1: themselves into really unhealthy relationships with really unhealthy people, and
32:44
Speaker 1: the person, the perpetrator, the toxic person, is going to
32:50
Speaker 1: do everything in their power to isolate them from their
32:52
Speaker 1: inner circle, from their friends so they can have their
32:54
Speaker 1: way and manipulate this person even further and get them
32:56
Speaker 1: to where they want to be. Okay, if I can
32:59
Speaker 1: see the warnings signs of that in a friend, the
33:01
Speaker 1: last thing I'm going to do is walk away.
33:02
Speaker 2: The last thing I'm going to do. I might have
33:04
Speaker 2: to distance myself a little bit. I might have to draw.
33:07
Speaker 1: Some boundaries around, like I don't want to be around
33:09
Speaker 1: that person.
33:11
Speaker 2: You can do that.
33:11
Speaker 1: You can do things to protect yourself, like I don't
33:13
Speaker 1: want him coming over, I don't feel comfortable. There's many
33:15
Speaker 1: things you can do to set boundaries. You don't have
33:17
Speaker 1: to be as close, but also be aware that sometimes
33:21
Speaker 1: the tactic is that you know, like you also don't
33:23
Speaker 1: want to isolate your friend if you think that they're
33:25
Speaker 1: entering a relationship with someone quite unhealthy, because then they're
33:29
Speaker 1: less likely to leave. Not that she's I don't even
33:33
Speaker 1: think she's dating this guy. She's just like really inserting
33:36
Speaker 1: herself in his life and vice versa. So you've just
33:38
Speaker 1: got to ask yourself, am I pissed off because I'm
33:42
Speaker 1: frustrated that she just can't see the reality of what's
33:46
Speaker 1: going on and I just can't handle Or is she
33:48
Speaker 1: being a bad friend? Because if she, on top of that,
33:51
Speaker 1: is being a shit friend, then of course you can
33:53
Speaker 1: walk away and feel fine about it. You're like, this
33:57
Speaker 1: person has not respected me as a friend, and they're
34:00
Speaker 1: leaving behind and rye with the rent, they're doing all
34:02
Speaker 1: these things. So independent of the fact that she's not
34:05
Speaker 1: being honest with herself, she's actually being a shit friend.
34:09
Speaker 2: She's being disrespectful to me.
34:11
Speaker 1: She's not thought about my financial status with the moving
34:14
Speaker 1: out and all of these things. So yeah, I can
34:15
Speaker 1: step away from this friendship. Okay, So I feel like
34:18
Speaker 1: it's quite layered. But when it comes to this, I
34:20
Speaker 1: would only ever walk away from a friendship if the
34:22
Speaker 1: person is being a bad friend. But if they are
34:27
Speaker 1: not being honest with themselves. It's not my job to
34:30
Speaker 1: punish them. It's not my job to teach them a
34:34
Speaker 1: life lesson or to lecture them. It is my job
34:37
Speaker 1: as a friend to at best influence them and help
34:41
Speaker 1: them whenever possible. Okay, but I think, and we had
34:44
Speaker 1: a head noise question recently about being the righteous friend.
34:48
Speaker 1: Sometimes we get so swept up in what's right and
34:50
Speaker 1: what's wrong, and we forget that we've also been swept
34:54
Speaker 1: up in so many deep emotions where we've lost all
34:57
Speaker 1: semblance of what is right and what is wrong for
35:00
Speaker 1: the sake of a relation, a romantic relationship. Like, we've
35:02
Speaker 1: all been there, We've all made fucked up decisions, and
35:05
Speaker 1: you know I've made I've dated some fuck withs. And
35:08
Speaker 1: imagine if my friends left me because they're like, you
35:11
Speaker 1: just don't see what you do, and they abandoned me
35:13
Speaker 1: when I was with these fuck withs, that would just devastated, Right,
35:17
Speaker 1: So I would.
35:17
Speaker 2: Never do that to my friends.
35:18
Speaker 1: So I think you've just got to look at it
35:20
Speaker 1: as two individual things. Are they a good friend to you,
35:23
Speaker 1: but they're just making stupid decisions? And then I would
35:25
Speaker 1: maintain the friendship personally, Are they just being a shit
35:28
Speaker 1: cunt and on top of that they're making stupid decisions?
35:32
Speaker 2: Then you walk away.
35:33
Speaker 1: Okay, guys, thank you so much for sending in these questions.
35:36
Speaker 1: They're great questions, Love them so much. At the very least,
35:40
Speaker 1: I just hope I've given you some food for thought
35:42
Speaker 1: so you can kind of like really think it through,
35:44
Speaker 1: look at it, hopefully from a different angle, and it
35:47
Speaker 1: helps you make the most informed decision that you can
35:49
Speaker 1: make about what you're going through right now.
35:52
Speaker 2: That is all for today's episode. Thanks so much, guys,
35:55
Speaker 2: love you so much.
35:56
Speaker 1: As always, remember becind to yourself, be kind to your brain,
35:59
Speaker 1: don't take shit from manyone, and.
36:00
Speaker 2: Especially don't text it from yourself. Don't ca