Transcript

I'm Sure · Letter to America

0:02
SPEAKER_00: My favorite class in college was called Utopias and Dystopias, taught by my favorite teacher, Tedros Kiros.
0:10
SPEAKER_00: He was so riveting that often the class remained silent at the end of the lecture.
0:15
SPEAKER_00: Fellow students and I so deep in thought that we couldn't get up or even start talking to each other until we had finished processing what we had heard.
0:24
SPEAKER_00: From Plato's Republic, he revealed something that has stayed with me ever since.
0:29
SPEAKER_00: A simple concept that opinion is either the beginning or the end of knowledge.
0:35
SPEAKER_00: If an opinion is held as fact, all further study and curiosity ends.
0:41
SPEAKER_00: But if an opinion is held lightly, explored, and challenged, it can lead to greater knowledge and sometimes even wisdom.
0:50
SPEAKER_00: I was young and certain that this was the key, something to hold tight and never let go of.
0:56
SPEAKER_00: Socratic arguments, debates, and questioning everything, the only path to enlightenment.
1:02
SPEAKER_00: Any irony in this was completely lost on me at the time.
1:07
SPEAKER_00: Thankfully, how certain could I be of most things?
1:11
SPEAKER_00: Almost everything was so new to me.
1:13
SPEAKER_00: I was curious, questioning and learning, at a pace that was often tiring to me and irritating to others.
1:20
SPEAKER_00: The developing neocortex version of a toddler asking, why?
1:25
SPEAKER_00: But why?
1:26
SPEAKER_00: Hundreds of times a day.
1:29
SPEAKER_00: I was guilty, like many my age, of having an epiphany for the first time, and experiencing the seemingly brilliant thought I was having, as genius.
1:38
SPEAKER_00: My still forming adult mind confusing emptiness with depth.
1:43
SPEAKER_00: But for the decade or so after university, this outlook served me pretty well.
1:48
SPEAKER_00: In corporate America, appearing confident and being persuasive were almost always rewarded.
1:54
SPEAKER_00: There are very few actual right and wrong decisions in business, especially in marketing.
2:00
SPEAKER_00: Navigating the uncertainty and being able to take a position and convince others of its merits and be decisive was a superpower that led up the ladder.
2:11
SPEAKER_00: A mentor of mine, who eventually became CEO, once confided in me that the biggest thing he learned as he advanced was that if there is a logical linear black and white answer to a question, it rarely, if ever, ends up elevated to a CEO to decide.
2:29
SPEAKER_00: The questions or decisions that are elevated to that level are the ones that do not have a clear right or wrong answer, where there is judgment and risk and responsibility in the equation.
2:42
SPEAKER_00: That's when it elevates to the CEO.
2:45
SPEAKER_00: Not because they're the smartest people in the organization, not so they can make the right decision, but so that they can be on the hook if they don't.
2:55
SPEAKER_00: I was confident, even when I felt insecure.
2:59
SPEAKER_00: And a born storyteller, an aptitude test I took in high school, said that I was in the 95th percentile for persuasiveness.
3:07
SPEAKER_00: My educational psychologist's mother said, I don't know whether I should be proud or scared.
3:13
SPEAKER_00: I was very comfortable in this ecosystem where feelings ate facts for breakfast, and business strategy was usually a fancy way of saying a compelling story that's hard to argue with.
3:24
SPEAKER_00: A hundred-page deck that could have come from BCG and often did, but could be summarized in one tight headline, ideally with alliteration.
3:34
SPEAKER_00: An example I touted often in innovation work, Sacred Cows Make the Best Burgers.
3:39
SPEAKER_00: A book so revolutionary the title alone made me double down on being an iconoclast, a maverick.
3:45
SPEAKER_00: When described as an out-of-the-box thinker, I once retorted, What box?
3:50
SPEAKER_00: I bought the book.
3:52
SPEAKER_00: I kept it on my shelf, with other books meant to be seen, not read.
3:57
SPEAKER_00: To aptly paraphrase what Burton Russell may have said, what man seeks isn't knowledge but certainty.
4:06
SPEAKER_00: I had plenty to spread around, and a simple, satisfying story to sum up why.
4:11
SPEAKER_00: Notice the alliteration.
4:15
SPEAKER_00: I finished my Starbucks and hopped into my rental car for the short drive from Postor City to San Francisco Airport for a day trip to LA.
4:23
SPEAKER_00: I had time to spare, and no reason to worry when the traffic piled up, where it always does, at the interchange between 101 and 92.
4:33
SPEAKER_00: I suddenly felt my chest tightening, shortness of breath, sweating, upset stomach.
4:40
SPEAKER_00: I felt like I had to get off this highway, out of this car.
4:44
SPEAKER_00: It wasn't a desire or an urge, it was a visceral need.
4:48
SPEAKER_00: I was trapped and needed to escape.
4:51
SPEAKER_00: I finally got off at exit four one five, Kehoe Avenue.
4:55
SPEAKER_00: Had to pull over and I got out of the car.
4:58
SPEAKER_00: At this point, I was a hundred percent sure that this was serious.
5:02
SPEAKER_00: A heart attack?
5:03
SPEAKER_00: A stroke?
5:05
SPEAKER_00: I needed help.
5:06
SPEAKER_00: I called my wife and gave her the headlines and my location.
5:10
SPEAKER_00: I was scared and wanted to stay on the line.
5:13
SPEAKER_00: She told me I had to call 911.
5:16
SPEAKER_00: The dispatcher was attentive and efficient.
5:19
SPEAKER_00: She stayed on the line and kept talking to me and relaying messages to the EMTs already en route.
5:25
SPEAKER_00: I felt an electric charge through me, my fingers, toes, and lips were tingling, and gradually lost feeling.
5:33
SPEAKER_00: My eyesight narrowed to what I guess is tunnel vision and felt like it was going to black.
5:39
SPEAKER_00: I was now certain that I was having a stroke, and then if I lost consciousness, I would die.
5:46
SPEAKER_00: It felt kind of like an out-of-body experience, like I was observing what was happening, but from within, not above.
5:52
SPEAKER_00: I heard the fire engine before I saw it.
5:55
SPEAKER_00: The dispatcher told me they would be there in seconds.
5:58
SPEAKER_00: I was relieved and by now slumped onto my side on the curb by the car, fighting to retain consciousness.
6:05
SPEAKER_00: I saw the EMT approaching.
6:07
SPEAKER_00: He knelt in front of me and said, You're gonna be fine.
6:11
SPEAKER_00: You're having a panic attack.
6:13
SPEAKER_00: Just follow my breathing.
6:15
SPEAKER_00: I did, and I immediately felt the difference.
6:18
SPEAKER_00: I hadn't realized that I'd been hyperventilating.
6:21
SPEAKER_00: As soon as I started breathing normally, my symptoms reversed and disappeared, one by one.
6:28
SPEAKER_00: My close friend, the one I'd had coffee with earlier, pulled up and found me already recovering on the curb on Kehoe.
6:36
SPEAKER_00: Being from Australia and not having an international license, he wasn't comfortable driving in the US, especially on the wrong side of the road.
6:45
SPEAKER_00: So I ended up back behind the wheel and merging back onto the highway.
6:50
SPEAKER_00: That day, I made a half dozen trips back up and down the 101 to find a therapist, a pharmacy, a place to board the dog before the next day's off site, and so on.
7:01
SPEAKER_00: It was just the start of an even longer journey.
7:04
SPEAKER_00: Over the next year or so, I saw that therapist every week.
7:07
SPEAKER_00: Early on, multiple times a week.
7:10
SPEAKER_00: He was my first foray into my mind, and it was an eye-opening experience.
7:15
SPEAKER_00: In short, despite seeming calm under fire, sometimes literally, I had generalized anxiety.
7:22
SPEAKER_00: The cool as a cucumber routine was designed more for myself than others.
7:27
SPEAKER_00: That first year, I read 35 books.
7:31
SPEAKER_00: I was suddenly curious again, able to concentrate, pulling threads and unraveling beliefs.
7:36
SPEAKER_00: One epiphany I recall vividly was when I started a therapy session by saying, I feel like I'm losing touch with reality.
7:45
SPEAKER_00: I imagine that's not a statement that a therapist takes lightly.
7:48
SPEAKER_00: He asked me to say more, as they do, and I did.
7:52
SPEAKER_00: I said that sometimes when I'm talking to someone, I can't tell if what I'm saying is true, or even if I believe it.
7:59
SPEAKER_00: I'm not sure if they're understanding what I'm saying or hearing it differently than I intend.
8:04
SPEAKER_00: Then they respond, I feared that I may have misunderstood what they meant, or that they might not even be sure what they meant, and I realized that when I was most confident, I was in fact least secure in my thoughts and feelings.
8:18
SPEAKER_00: That the more persuasive I became, the more likely I was trying to convince myself.
8:23
SPEAKER_00: He let me ramble and finish, he paused, tilted his head to the side slightly, smiled, and finally spoke.
8:33
SPEAKER_00: Sounds like you have a pretty strong grasp of reality.
8:38
SPEAKER_00: Since leaving the corporate world and starting my own business, and especially since leaving America, the journey has continued, and the path is harder to follow.
8:48
SPEAKER_00: Where am I from?
8:50
SPEAKER_00: Where am I going?
8:51
SPEAKER_00: Where do I belong?
8:52
SPEAKER_00: Where is home?
8:54
SPEAKER_00: Can I agree with the teachings of prophets without picking one religion?
8:58
SPEAKER_00: I take a lot of pictures.
9:00
SPEAKER_00: Am I a photographer, an artist, a midlife crisis manifesting in fancy cameras?
9:05
SPEAKER_00: Why do I live on a different continent from my children?
9:09
SPEAKER_00: Am I content with less, or am I settling?
9:13
SPEAKER_00: I just don't know.
9:15
SPEAKER_00: And the more I question, the less I know.
9:19
SPEAKER_00: So what?
9:21
SPEAKER_00: The thought that seems to keep recurring, even though I can't seem to remember it by heart, and have to look it up every time.
9:29
SPEAKER_00: A passage by Jewish, Buddhist, psychiatrist, and author Mark Epstein, quoting Freud's advice to therapists to illustrate a Buddhist belief.
9:42
SPEAKER_00: Suspend judgment and give impartial attention to everything there is to observe.
9:49
SPEAKER_00: I'm trying.
9:51
SPEAKER_00: This is Hamtalin from Istanbul.