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Weed Was My Higher Power for 25 Years - Patty D · Recovering Out Loud

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And they're like, well, what do you, what do you think you
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should do? And I'm like, well, I think I
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should get out of bartending, get another job and go to daily
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meetings in Burlington. And they're like, what do you
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think about going to a long term like rehab place?
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And I'm like, I think I should go to those places.
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I'm like, I think I need to go there.
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And I, and I'm, I was like, it was relief, like being honest
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with them and telling them and them being supportive and
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wanting to help was the complete opposite of how I thought it
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would go in my head all those years that I thought about, if I
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tell them this, I won't have access to my nieces or nephews.
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My family's going to abandon me. My mom's sister died of
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alcoholism and people talk shit about her.
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So they're going to talk shit about me and I'm going to be out
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of the family. And it was the complete
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opposite. Complete.
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Complete opposite. Hi there, welcome back or
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welcome to Recovering Out Loud Podcast, the show where we get
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real about mental health and addiction.
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I'm so glad you're here. If you or someone you love is
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struggling with drugs or alcohol, please reach out for
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help. Send me a message on all social
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media platforms at Recovering Out Loud Pod or by e-mail at
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recoveringoutloudpod@gmail.com. You are no longer alone.
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Getting used to this. This is nice.
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There we go. Yeah.
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This is good intimate setting here.
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Patrick, thanks so much for coming down, brother.
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I appreciate you. We met on that beautiful
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retreat, Language of the Heart, that Mary was on as well, and Bo
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was coming on here later. What was that like for you that
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that experience? Have you ever been on anything
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like that? What?
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What was that experience like for you?
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Yeah. So it's it was different than I
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thought it was going to be. When I first signed up for it, I
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thought it was a all male retreat.
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And then I found out that it was Coed, which is totally fine.
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And it was more fun than I thought, Like I really thought
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it would be. Like it sounds, yeah.
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Like, intensive. Almost.
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Yeah. Like really deep dive, but it
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was those things like there was that opportunity, but then the
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social aspect. I've never been to any event in
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recovery that is like fun. Like I haven't, I'm new to
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recovery so it was my first time like going and like doing
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karaoke and just going to a pool party.
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So those things were different than I thought and a lot of fun.
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Yeah, they made it really comfortable too.
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I mean, there's so there's a lot of firsts in recovery, right.
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And I'm, I'm sure you're familiar with this.
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You're 10 months long now. Yeah, just over and Congrats.
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Yeah, That's that's huge. Is this your longest you've ever
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been sober? Oh yeah, yeah.
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Yeah. Yeah, you were like a a 10
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minute guy before, like me scraping together 10 minutes
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here and there. Yeah, pretty much.
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Was using every day for 25 years.
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I had one stretch where I went like 4 weeks.
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That was my longest time without using anything.
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And probably white knuckling it the whole way.
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I I flew to Portugal to get away from everything and went to the
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smallest island to make sure that I didn't have any contacts
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and didn't have anything because at that point I was like, yeah,
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I don't want to use anymore. But as soon as I came back.
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There it is. Four days later, right back into
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it, Yeah. Addiction's a funny thing,
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right? But yeah, it was really
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comfortable. And so there's a lot of firsts
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in recovery, first wedding sober, like first, you know,
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bonfire really, even though there was no bonfire because
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it's stupid fire restriction, I'm still, I still upset about
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that, but it's OK. We sat around in a circle and I
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mean, like there's a lot of times in my life where that was
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filled with drinking and drugs. Was sitting in that circle
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outside in the, you know, cottage country, whatever.
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And I'll tell you, stimulants and fire pits like fire in
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cottages, Stimulants in cottages don't mix very well at all.
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Oh no. It's like the worst drug to pair
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with. You know, people are smoking
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weed and drinking and you're just fucking in your chair just
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jittering. Oh my God, jittery.
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Yeah, I've had some bad, well, memorable campfires for sure,
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where, you know, it's just amazing that some, no one died.
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We had like a grad trip in high school.
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These girls stole a tractor tire.
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That was what we used for our fire ring.
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The fire got massive with a tractor tire being the outside
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ring, and people are jumping over it.
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We're throwing cans of things into the fire pit.
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I'm assuming gasoline was involved.
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Yeah, yeah. And yeah, I remember 1, like
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something got thrown in the fire.
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It exploded. I got hit in the ear and I
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thought my ear was like gone. And my buddy used to flashlight.
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He's like, it's beans. Someone threw a can of beans in
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and it just smoked, smoked my ear.
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And I thought I was on a lot of substances.
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And, you know, yeah, just playing with fire, literally the
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metaphor. Like, I played with fire for so
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long, but at cottages, yeah, it was always just grab the cooler,
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set up shop and a lot of times pass out, you know, at the fire.
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Yeah, everyone stops and you know, we're keep, we keep going,
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right? Oh, yeah.
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That was the story of my life. So I want to get into a little
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bit about your story and what brought you into recovery.
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But why don't you tell us, tell us about like, what childhood
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was like for you? All right, Yeah, I grew up in a
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really good family. I'm the youngest of four kids
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and being the youngest, I was very like insecure kind of from
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the start. My older siblings are fantastic.
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But like any kid growing up, you know, you pick on the the
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youngest 1, you know, so a lot of feelings of like, I'm not
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going to be smart enough to ever learn how to write an essay.
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I'm really young, so you know, I'm my, when I get to be like
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30, my parents will be 70. Oh my God, they'll be dead.
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Like, just a lot of black and white thinking and distorted
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thinking where I I grew up. Yeah.
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Really insecure and really not confident in myself.
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So I learned kind of at an early age to wear masks.
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Like I started to do, you know, impersonations of actors and try
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to get a laugh out of people 'cause that's kind of the only
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way that I felt accepted was like by not being myself kind
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of. But I grew up in a good family.
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I played sports, was involved in music like was in swimming.
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Like basically how I could describe it is during the day I
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was filled by doing activities and and things.
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And then when it came to night time, as far as I can remember,
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whenever it was time to go to bed, I'd be in my bed replaying
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the day and overthinking about this person.
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Oh, I shouldn't have said this because now they don't like me
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or oh, tomorrow I've got to do this and I'm not going to be
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smart enough to do it. So for me, like bedtime was
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always. The worst interesting like ever
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since you can remember just from.
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Literally when I was like, I can remember being like from four
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years old till, you know, adulthood, bedtime was when I
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would be up for hours just worrying, just constant worry
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and fear about what the next day will bring.
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What happened that day? Oh my God, they don't like me.
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I shouldn't have said that, you know, and just like trying to
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rewrite the script about, OK, how can I do this or what can I
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do to fix this? So like, yeah, I, I could, I, I
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would be awake for hours. And that was just.
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Ruminate. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
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Was that the reason that you turned to drugs and alcohol?
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Like to quiet that noise, would you say?
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I'd say like I wanted. I always wanted validation, so I
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wanted to like find my way to the popular crowd, right?
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And in high school, like in grade 9, that was my way into
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the popular crowd. My parents went away on a
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three-week vacation, so my sister and I threw a three-week
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party. And that was when the popular
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kids came to hang out with me because I had a place for them
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to come. And that's when I started doing
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drugs and alcohol. And it was like a OK, I'm in
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like I'm in with these guys now. So I want to keep this going.
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And I find like with with weed, which was like my higher power
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for 25 years like that was that always remained.
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Other things came in and out, but weed was like, I can now
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like go to bed. So like, you know, it would
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ease, it would ease my way of anxiety and things like that.
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That was kind of like my wake up, do that.
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OK, I can go to do this now. It was kind of like I had to
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smoke weed before doing anything.
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And then at the end of the night, like smoke till you pass
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that kind of thing. Like I still would be worried,
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but you just consume so much that that was my answer.
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Alcohol was like the social party thing to do.
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But we became my dependent in high school.
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Yeah. And so at what moment did you
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realize that it was getting really bad, like when you first
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realized that this was a problem?
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Say probably like, OK, we'd go out like on a Saturday night or
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whatever and the we'd go to a party or a house party or
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whatever. And then you get home at like
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whatever, I'd probably be home at like 1:00 in the morning at
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that time or 12 and I'd get home and I'd go on to like MSN
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Messenger. Remember that like that was
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before Instagram and everything there was MSN Messenger and my
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one buddy was like a dealer and I'd always message him being
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like, can I come over? And I needed to keep it going.
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So that was like mid high school, but I didn't really have
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any awareness that it was a serious problem.
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I just was like, this is what I need.
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I can't like be at home. I need to keep the party going.
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It's probably not until till I like was introduced to cocaine
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that that was kind of when I saw that like, OK, my personality is
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very addictive and this thing is really getting me into trouble.
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I kind of got by through high school and like was on sports
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teams and did OK in school. So it didn't really hit me that
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it was affecting me that much during the high school years.
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It was kind of like when I was introduced to cocaine and how
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that took over my life pretty quickly.
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And you know, yeah, I can get into that, too.
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Well, I mean, yeah, like what was your first experience?
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Was it the same thing? Like people had it and you
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wanted to fit in 'cause that was me too.
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It was my experience was the same thing.
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It was at a party and I had stayed away from it for a while
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because it scared the shit out of me.
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Right. Like it was, that was like the
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one thing I was never gonna do. I got into alcohol.
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I got into weed. I didn't really like weed.
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I would always green out. I was that guy.
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I would always, you know, it, it never really agreed with me.
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But I remember at being at a party one time and a, a guy had
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known that people, some people were doing it and it was just
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like right in the open, like they, they had it on ACD case
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and they're like, they basically were like, I don't want to say
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they forced me, but it felt forced in that moment.
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But I also wanted to do it and to fit in and because everyone
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else was doing it and I didn't necessarily, I wasn't excited
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about the outcome. You know what I mean?
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It was more so, yeah, to like appease my friends and also this
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is this is here now and peer pressure and whatever, right?
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What was that like for you, that first experience?
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Yeah, I was in university and my like, guys I hung out with all
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the time. The I knew that they had started
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to do it, but it was something growing up like yourself, like I
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was like, I'll never do that. Like that was like, there's no
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way I'm going to do that. That will kill me, you know.
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Whereas weed and alcohol, I was like, OK, well, everyone seems
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to be, well, not everyone, but a lot of people seem to be doing
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this. And I wasn't that scared of it,
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but yeah, like it just came about.
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We went to the bar and then afterwards they were like, want
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to come with us? And I was in residence at Guelph
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and they went down to like the basement of the res and like,
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you want to go lift some weights was the code word.
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I want to go to the weight room. And they would, and I and I went
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and I, I joined them because I honestly saw I'm like, well,
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they didn't die and they can stay up later now.
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And just, I was blind to the writ.
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Like I was just like, yeah, I'm doing it.
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And once I did it the first time, I was like, this is
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amazing. You know, like it was like,
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whoa. And so for that year at Guelph,
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the one year I, I, I did it, and it was probably for about a year
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and a half when I was like 19 to 20.
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And then IA good friend of mine got on my case about it.
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I like basically flunked out of Guelph.
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I could have, I never went to school, so I was just doing
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partying, like full time party, you know, almost got kicked out
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of rez, like could have gone back on probation.
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But once my parents actually found out about my grades, like
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we're getting you out of there. So I think I did it a couple of
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times after that year. But by the next Christmas, a
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good friend of mine was like, well, I'm worried about you.
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This isn't like, why do you need to be doing this?
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And I saw I'm like, yeah, I'm like, I really fucked up that
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year. So I stopped doing any hard drug
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from that point when I was like 21 and stayed away from from
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cocaine until I was 33. I went 12 years without doing
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hard drugs and just went back to weed and alcohol, which caused
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me a lot of problems, which I can get into too.
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But I had for whatever reason was able to stop doing the hard
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stuff for for a while. Yeah, and then it ultimately
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came back. But no, I think it's, I, I, I do
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want to get into it because there's this thing, there's this
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thing around weed that it gets classed with alcohol now where
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it's like, I'm not gonna ruin my life.
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It's not that bad. It's, it's legal, right?
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All these things. I had another guy on the podcast
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here that it, it nearly burned his life to the ground, right?
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Like he really struggled. He couldn't do anything, you
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know what I mean? It took away all his motivation,
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his drive, his personality to your point.
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So I think it's important to like, what did the, what did
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those years look like while you were doing that?
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Like what was the progression like?
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Yeah, so I left Guelph and then got into, went to Mohawk College
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and like got involved in athletics again and things like
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that. But every like, like I told you,
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like I needed to smoke weed as soon as I woke up in between
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every class. If I didn't have it, I couldn't
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focus on anything. Like if there was no way I could
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go without it. And if I was running low, then I
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was going to do everything I could call every dealer I could.
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This is before it was legalized, right?
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Like so my, the obsession of my mind was purely focused on
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having it and making sure I had enough and you know, stealing
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money from my parents if I had to selling stuff, you know,
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everything kind of revolved around it.
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Then I started dealing it because I'm like, hey, if I
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start to grab it, then I can sell to all my friends and I can
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smoke for free. Well, you know, you end up just
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not just just smoking it and having to pay for it yourself,
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you know, but I got through, I don't know, weed.
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I, I, I really was like Bob Marley, you know, Rasta man,
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like peace and happiness. And, you know, I thought that
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that would, would be OK for me. So the alcohol was when I got
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into more problems with police and problems blacking out and
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more, more things came with the alcohol.
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The weed was just like the necessity had to have it.
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If I didn't have it then, then I would be only one track mind
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thinking about it. And if I didn't have it, I was a
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miserable, angry, irritable person.
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But it was like, you know, they say it's like a slow
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progression. I found that weed like in my
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head was the answer for a really long time and I didn't think
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anything was wrong. I really didn't think anything
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was wrong with it for till I pretty much till I came into
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recovery and realized how it was like.
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My entire life revolves around substance.
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Yeah, yeah. And So what was the moment like?
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Can you walk us through like what ultimately took you down to
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your last Yeah, drink or drug? Yeah, for sure.
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The last like 6 years were basically like I always wanted
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like a girl and then the last girl that I seriously dated
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broke up with me. And at that point I basically
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sold my soul to the devil is how I, what I would say like
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anything that it was like, I'll never do that.
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I was just like, I'm doing it because fuck, fuck everyone, you
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know, like, and I got out of like I used to work in mental
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health. I got out of that career.
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I started bartending. I moved to Honduras and started
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to do scuba diving, and that's when I picked up doing coke
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again was when I went to Honduras.
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And I was right before COVID, I was doing, you know, on the
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small island, all backpackers. They're all like 18 to 24.
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I'm 36, you know, being like sweet right back in it, you
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know, and that's when it kind of just took over.
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COVID shut the island down. I moved back home and from COVID
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it was like, OK, now I can isolate and use drugs and pretty
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much from COVID till last October, that was what I did.
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I isolated and was doing coke and I bartend.
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And then last year in August, I was like, sorry, I went to like
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Portugal to try and get off of it, 'cause my life, I was in
19:06
debt and wasn't going to work and living at my parents' house
19:11
and lying to them, lying to everyone.
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I'm like, I need to stop this because like literally like my
19:17
life is I have no life. So I went to Portugal, did 4
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weeks where I was clean with no solution, no recovery plan.
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Just like white knuckle it go somewhere that's beautiful to
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distract. Yourself.
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Geological cure. Geographical Cure.
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And then I came back from there and within four days I was
19:37
grabbing. And then that last 14 months,
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the progression of how much I was grabbing, knowing I didn't
19:42
want to be doing it. I'm like, I don't want to do it.
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Wake up in the morning like I'm not doing it.
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By 2:00 I got a bag and I've called off work and I'm in my
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parents basement. But I have to lie to them to say
19:53
I am going to work so that I'm driving parking lot to parking
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lot till I get paranoid, selling my clothes out of the back of my
20:00
car so that I have enough money to grab a bag, you know?
20:04
And then my dad had a stroke last September and he's in the
20:11
hospital and I'm like, I need to like, be there.
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But I'm too much of A coward to tell any of my family members
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that I don't have a job. And I've got three older
20:23
siblings. So I'd go do the hospital stuff.
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And I'd always go by myself so I could use do some lines in the
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bathroom while he's sitting there.
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And I'm like, can't. I'm like have numbness in my
20:37
left arm. And I'm like, I wonder who's
20:38
going to go first, him or me, you know, And I'm lying saying
20:44
I'm going to work. So my siblings are driving him
20:46
from Pickering or Toronto to come see my dad in Burlington.
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And then one night, my mom and my brother went to the hospital
20:54
to see my dad. I said I was working.
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They went to my restaurant after they visited.
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And the manager goes, oh, Pat, he, he hasn't worked here for a
21:04
couple months. And my brother messaged me.
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And that was I made a parking lot by myself high out of my
21:12
mind. And I see the message and I'm
21:14
like, I give up. I'm exhausted.
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I have nothing left. I, I can't go on like this.
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How am I gonna, I can't lie my way out of this anymore.
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And in my head I'm like, I can't be honest 'cause I can't let
21:30
them down because I need to be there for my dad while he's in
21:33
the hospital. This is like the only time in
21:36
our life where I really need to be there for someone.
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I'm like, but I can't stop. And so I had to come clean and I
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told my siblings and my mom I go.
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I've been trying to, yeah, I'm, I'm addicted to substance.
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I've been trying to get off of it by myself for a few years and
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I really can't. And I really need help.
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And they all supported me. The next day, my brother and two
22:04
sisters came down, took me to dinner, and my sister had been
22:08
on the phone lines with addiction centers all day.
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And she's just like, what are you using?
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How often are you using it? How much money are you in debt?
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And I was like all answering all of these things and, and they're
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like, well, what do you, what do you think you should do?
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And I'm like, well, I think I should get out of bartending,
22:27
get another job and go to daily meetings in Burlington.
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And they're like, what do you think about going to a long term
22:35
like rehab place? And I'm like, I think I should
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go to those places. I'm like, I think I need to go
22:40
there and I and I'm I was like, it was relief, like being honest
22:45
with them and telling them and them being supportive and
22:48
wanting to help was the complete opposite of how I thought it
22:52
would go in my head. All those years that I thought
22:54
about if I tell them this, I won't have access to my nieces
22:57
or nephews. My family's going to abandon me.
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My mom's sister died of alcoholism and people talk shit
23:05
about her, so they're going to talk shit about me and I'm going
23:07
to be out of the family. And it was the complete
23:10
opposite, complete, complete opposite where they found
23:14
facilities for me to go to and they said we're willing to help
23:17
in any way that that you need. That's that's such an important
23:21
message, man. I think, I think a lot of people
23:23
need to hear that, that it's like that that's, that keeps
23:26
people sick for so long is how they're going to be perceived if
23:29
they come out and tell the truth, right?
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I, there's such a stigma around it.
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And one of the reasons I started this podcast was to kind of, you
23:36
know, I don't think we'll ever break the stigma or, or just,
23:38
you know, but it's like, yeah, well, however I think it's going
23:42
to go in my head, it never goes in any situation, right?
23:44
I, it's my mind lies to me, my addiction lies to me and tells
23:47
me it's going to be this way and it never is.
23:49
It's such an important message to to get that out there that
23:52
it's like there are people you might you just don't see it.
23:54
There are people that are willing to help you and do
23:56
whatever it takes and come to bat put, you know, go to bat for
23:59
you. But you won't know until you
24:01
fucking ask, right? You won't know until you admit
24:04
and get on it. Step one.
24:05
It's like I have a problem and I can't control it.
24:08
My life is unmanageable. And we were what is it again?
24:13
We were we can't our lives, yeah, we we can't control it.
24:18
Our lives are unmanageable. And I need help, right?
24:21
I can't do this on my own. So, you know, I, I think that's,
24:23
that's a really big moment. So what was rehab like going
24:26
into rehab and and then coming out and what's life like today?
24:31
Yeah, so going into rehab, I remember being like, well, I had
24:37
at that point I was like extremely felt guilt that I'm
24:41
leaving my family while my dad's in the hospital and.
24:44
And meanwhile, they're like. He's in the hospital, he's going
24:48
to be here for a few months. He's getting the care.
24:50
Like all we can do is go visit him during visiting hours.
24:53
And I, there's enough people that are going to visit him
24:56
where it's like this is the time you need to go.
24:58
Like this is when you need to. So I was very like upset with
25:04
myself. I'm really hard on myself for
25:06
being there. And I remember the first day I
25:09
walked in and people are all outside under the gazebo and
25:14
they're like, hi, hi. And this one guy just comes up
25:16
and gives me the biggest hug and he goes.
25:19
Welcome home bro. Welcome to the family.
25:21
You're going to love yourself. And I looked at him and I was
25:24
like, no fucking way. And I went into my room and
25:27
stayed in my room 'cause I was like, no, I'm like, no way.
25:31
I'm like, I'm like this guy. I'm afraid of that guy and like,
25:34
I'm not going to love myself. You don't know what I've been
25:37
through, you know, like, so the first day I yeah, was kind of in
25:44
in my room. And I remember the first night,
25:48
the mattress, my back hurt and I was yelling at the nurses.
25:51
I'm like, I need a firmer mattress if I'm going to be
25:53
staying here for 45 days. I got to, you know, what do you,
25:58
can you get me a new mattress? And I'm just like out of my
26:01
mind, right? And, and then the next day I
26:05
really was like, OK, let's let's go in.
26:08
And every day was just like better and better.
26:13
When I, once I started to go to the classes and once I got a
26:19
primary counselor, I, I, it was for me like camp man, like I
26:24
loved it. Like, I loved all the people and
26:28
the counselors. And it taught me a lot about how
26:32
it is a disease. I had no idea.
26:34
I honestly didn't know it was classified as a disease and
26:39
that, you know, if a lot of people have it and that there is
26:43
a solution. And once I cried a lot.
26:50
Like, I cried a lot. Yeah.
26:52
Especially once there are people that I like, got close with.
26:55
And when they were leaving, I would be the one like, you'd go
26:58
around and share and I'd be the one who's an emotional wreck.
27:01
For me, it was like an emotional purge of years because I
27:04
couldn't be emotional prior to we're going to rehab.
27:10
So yeah, it was a lot of crying for me.
27:14
But like, for the most part, good tears are being like.
27:19
Necessary. Yeah, like, I'm like, I wish
27:21
this person well, and they helped me a lot.
27:24
But, yeah, I learned it's a disease that, you know, holding
27:29
resentments, like is really drinking poison and expecting
27:33
the other person to die. So I let was able to like, see,
27:36
I guess my counselor showed me my part.
27:40
And that was like a revelation for me of being like, oh, my
27:45
God, Like, I am judgmental. I am critical of other people.
27:49
I am a people pleaser. I, you know, have carried these
27:54
little things that happened to me in my life for decades and
28:01
hung on to them and they've I've been sick because I'm hanging on
28:05
to things that now when I look at like those things that I was
28:09
holding on to, I can be like, it's not mine to carry, you
28:12
know, like I don't, that's not, that's not on me, you know, like
28:17
I don't need to carry this anymore.
28:19
I'm, I'm worthy, you know, and I remember there was a counselor
28:23
that kind of was like, do you love yourself on conditioning?
28:28
I go, I don't love any. I don't have anything that I
28:30
like about myself at all. And by the time that was like in
28:35
week 1 and then by the time that I left after 45 days, I was
28:39
like, I'm starting to like myself, you know, like starting,
28:43
you know, working out, being nice to people, taking
28:48
accountability, finding a higher power.
28:51
Like I was introduced to meditation there.
28:53
I had no concept of what a higher power was.
28:55
So, you know, I thought I was like God before, not actually,
29:00
but trying to play God was what I was trying to do, arrange
29:03
everyone. And you know, if people were
29:07
fighting or their relationships, I'd just be just pick everything
29:10
apart. And then I was just like,
29:11
radical acceptance of like, this is how people are.
29:13
So there's a lot of sick people and you should probably pray for
29:16
them as opposed to change them. Just pray for them.
29:20
Yeah, yeah, there's a huge mindset shift, right?
29:22
Like that's what recovery does. Is it?
29:24
It shifts my perspective on it and my perception.
29:27
And hey, maybe like you said, maybe this isn't mine to carry.
29:31
Maybe I have a part in this. Maybe they can live their life
29:34
and be OK and I can be OK. Like what a concept, right?
29:37
I they don't have to live according to my script that.
29:40
Yeah, you said a lot of good stuff there.
29:42
Did you have any moments, you know, backtracking a bit where
29:46
you, you know, you came close to, I don't know, some really
29:50
risky situations where you like were like, well, that was close
29:53
and then you kind of got out of it or or was it like, what was
29:56
that like like post rehab no before like in your addiction
30:00
if. We oh close calls.
30:01
Yeah Oh yeah, definitely. Like honestly I've drank and
30:11
drove for two decades so putting myself at risk with that for
30:16
sure. I got one DUI where I don't
30:21
remember leaving the bar. Apparently a couple video
30:24
recorded me from when I got in my car 'cause I guess was
30:28
staggering and then I somehow ended up in my.
30:33
I had a townhouse at that time. I ended up parked, passed out
30:36
and the cop, I woke up to the cherries behind me and I was had
30:41
no idea of how I got there. So I had to obviously go to
30:48
court for that. Luckily, I didn't kill anyone
30:50
like I'm it. The fact that I didn't ever
30:54
injure somebody or myself badly is is God's doing.
30:59
Yeah, because I definitely was behind the wheel a lot.
31:02
That was the one that I had to tell my parents about.
31:06
Outside of that, smashed a curb once, backed into a pole another
31:15
time and then got another almost DUI where I was in the Warren
31:26
range. So a lot of the.
31:30
Breathalyzer. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
31:32
So there was a lot and I kept all those a secret, right 'cause
31:36
I could be like, oh, someone hit me.
31:38
Oh, they, you know, the car in front of me put their brake
31:42
lights on. So I would do these things and
31:45
I, you know, I'm single and live by myself or whatever.
31:48
So I was able to really like hide a lot of a lot of my
31:55
troubles and just like get away with them without taking any
32:00
responsibility for them. But yeah, those, probably the
32:08
drinking and driving are where I really put the most people and
32:11
myself at risk. The most ironic story would be
32:19
that I left work one day and when I was working in Toronto at
32:24
like 5:00 PM and I was I was sober and I just left work and I
32:28
go around the corner and a guy comes flying around me and I got
32:31
T boned by a drunk driver. All airbags go off full.
32:36
Like I luckily only got whiplash out of it, but my car was
32:41
totaled. And I remember calling my family
32:47
and I'd been in so many car accidents before they were at
32:49
the cottage. And I'm like, hey, I'm, I got
32:54
into Jackson and they're like, was it your fault?
32:56
Was the first thing they said. And when they said that, I got
33:00
so mad that they like, I got so mad at them.
33:04
And I held a huge resentment that they didn't ask if I was
33:08
like, OK, that they first were like, is it your fault?
33:12
And then, you know, they didn't leave the cottage to come see me
33:15
in the hospital. And I built this huge resentment
33:18
towards them, even though like if you play the tape back every
33:22
time it was my fault. Every time I've been in trouble,
33:25
you know? And the next day I got a rental
33:28
car and they're at the cottage. So I'm in town by myself and I
33:33
go to the bar at 11 AM and I get blackout blackout drunk with the
33:39
bartender just me and her and the day after I get T boned by a
33:44
drunk driver. I back the rental car up into a
33:47
pole and cause $5000 worth of damage.
33:51
Drive the car back, park it underground, pass it.
33:53
Next morning I wake up. That was the first time that I
33:56
had any recollection that I did that.
33:59
That's that's addiction, man, like right there.
34:01
I mean, that's alcoholism, that's addiction right there.
34:04
Despite adverse consequences, I'm still going, right?
34:08
No matter what. And yeah, I, I, I can relate to
34:10
that. Like, fuck them, I'm going to
34:13
show them, right? I'm going to go and get nice and
34:15
drunk and high and I'm going to show them when meanwhile you do.
34:18
My therapist always used to say this, like, the only person
34:20
you're saying fuck you to is yourself every time you do that,
34:22
right? And I would use that of
34:24
resentment too. It's like, I'm going to show
34:25
them. Like, fuck them, I'll do
34:26
whatever I want. This.
34:27
And it's all this ego thing, right?
34:30
Yeah, that's powerful, man. I, I truly believe that the
34:34
universe God's, you know, whatever higher power you, you
34:36
have, right for me, I just call it God, but it's like, you know,
34:41
there he's showing you, the universe is showing you these
34:44
signs, right? And it's like you to your point,
34:47
you get into rehab and then you, you just have so much emotion
34:50
because of all this stuff that has happened and occurred in
34:52
your life. And you finally, rehab was
34:54
really good for me too, because I was able to just have a
34:58
different perspective on all the shit that I did, a sober
35:00
perspective, a real perspective of like, damn, I was a tornado
35:04
man. And like my parents, you know,
35:07
they, they had so many sleepless nights, right?
35:09
So, you know, when your parents answer the phone like that, my
35:12
first thought is like, yeah, no, like I completely get that,
35:15
right. You, you put you put us through
35:16
all this. Like, you know, that that would
35:19
be my first question too, right. But yeah, I think it's a it's a
35:23
very important like that is alcoholism, that is addiction.
35:26
It's like I don't have a choice anymore in the matter, right?
35:28
This is not a thing of willpower.
35:30
This is a disease. It's progressive and it's fatal,
35:33
you know, So I'm, I'm really glad that you got into to
35:36
recovery, man. We need more of more people.
35:38
We need more, you know, it's, there's a lot of people
35:40
suffering out there. So what?
35:44
What is faith, Spirituality. God?
35:46
What does that look like to you today?
35:48
Yeah, I, I, I say the word God, 'cause it's easy, right?
35:52
But for me, I always like enjoyed nature, like, so at
36:00
first when they're like introduced into the 12 stuff
36:03
like you need to find some sort of higher power and like you can
36:06
be at whatever you want it to be.
36:08
So I first was just kind of like the, you know, Spirits of the
36:12
Universe was kind of what I thought about and great
36:14
outdoors, you know. Yeah, the outdoors was always
36:18
somewhere where like I would find peace and tranquility, like
36:22
if I'm in the middle of take a canoe out to the middle of the
36:25
lake and sit and just look at the reflections off the water
36:29
and trees or whatever. So that's how I first like, was
36:32
like, OK, And then I started to go to the meditations and during
36:38
meditation, I like created a good bond with the instructor at
36:43
the rehab who was leading it. And I really like took his
36:48
suggestions. And I remember the first few
36:51
times, you know, I was like, OK, well, my mind like was still
36:56
racing kind of like I couldn't really totally settle in, but
36:59
I'm like, it was a good thing to do.
37:02
Just take a break from everything and sit and breathe.
37:06
And then I remember it was like, probably like fourth time that I
37:10
did meditation, one of the clients was leaving the next
37:14
day. And the instructors like, if you
37:17
have any, you know, energy to pass on to this person, like try
37:22
to send some energy. And I remember getting that
37:26
like, Zing of energy up my spine, like goosebumps almost
37:32
like sometimes when I used to like use, you know, that feeling
37:35
where you like that first little inkling of like, Oh my gosh,
37:38
there's something going on. And I felt that.
37:41
And I was like, whoa, I'm like, I've never felt that sober
37:44
before, you know? And that really was like my
37:48
first sign that I was connecting to something bigger than myself.
37:53
And it's like, I guess they call it like fission when you get
37:56
like goosebumps or energy through your body.
37:59
And after that point, I just embraced that.
38:02
And at first, it was only through meditation that I would
38:06
get those feelings. But then it was like when I hear
38:09
a guest speaker and they say something, it shoots up in my
38:11
spine when I think, you know, I'm around my family or
38:17
whatever, and I see like a beautiful moment.
38:19
I get these things when. Yeah.
38:22
And it started to become, it wasn't just a meditation
38:24
anymore. It was like when something
38:28
happens throughout the day, could be anything, whether it's
38:30
in nature, whether it's someone speaking, whether you know it's
38:33
someone's relapse story, whether now sober, like it happens all
38:37
the time for me where that's how I feel.
38:41
It's like there's something going on that is way, way bigger
38:45
than me that I'll never know how to explain.
38:48
I don't want to even try to explain what my higher power is.
38:52
All I know is that like, I'm alive today because I feel the
38:57
grace of God and that, you know, I now have work to do that I
39:02
want to do, to do things for other people because I was so
39:07
self-centered and selfish, but he kept me alive and now I
39:11
don't. The stuff I felt shame and guilt
39:14
about is like, I want to tell it so that it helps someone else,
39:17
you know, So I've really feel like even when I was bringing
39:22
that up, I, I feel these vibes. I feel these vibes and I am
39:26
comfortable being like I'll never have the capacity or the
39:29
intelligence to be able to say what my higher power is.
39:33
All I know is it isn't me and it's out there and it's it's
39:37
keeping me sober. And I love that.
39:38
Yeah, you explained that really well.
39:41
I hadn't heard it explained like that in a while.
39:43
This sort of like the opposite of addiction is connection, they
39:46
say. A lot of people say.
39:47
I think Johann Hari was the first one to say that on a Ted
39:50
talk. And I, I heard that in treatment
39:51
and it blew me away when I saw that Ted talk.
39:54
But it's so true, man. Like I'm so isolated for so long
39:57
in my disease and all I care about is pleasing, Anthony.
40:00
That's all I care about. self-centered, selfish, like you
40:03
said. And then I come into recovery
40:05
and I start to feel this connection with the story of
40:08
this connection with the universe, this connection with
40:11
the with nature. It's a beautiful thing, man, you
40:15
know? But I have to be open to it and
40:17
I have to do something about it or else it just kind of, I don't
40:20
even notice it sometimes, right? It it'll just pass.
40:22
And yeah, it's a beautiful thing.
40:24
What are what are some like daily essentials must do's in
40:29
recovery for you today to stay sober?
40:31
Yeah, so every morning when I wake up, a lot of the time I
40:36
when my eyes first open, I'm like, why am why am I awake?
40:41
Why didn't I sleep longer? I don't want to do anything.
40:44
So it's immediately. The Step 3 for me is like.
40:50
God. I'm Patty, I'm powerless to
40:53
drugs, alcohol, women, money, everything basically, and I am
40:57
basically and I am life. I'm powerless to life.
40:59
So please, please help me. Show me the next right step.
41:04
Show me how to be of service to you and to others and please
41:06
help me stay sober today. Thank you.
41:10
That is like how I have to start every morning by turning my will
41:13
and my life over every day and then I hop on like a a
41:18
meditation morning meditation meeting and that gets my day
41:23
regardless of how I wake up in the morning.
41:25
Cause a lot of times it is that not pleased.
41:29
It switches me and by 9:00 AM everyday I'm like, OK, now I can
41:33
set forth and go forward. I need to like every day is be a
41:39
good human being. So, you know, for me, I find
41:43
it's like, you know, saying hi to people on the elevator or
41:46
holding the door open or, you know, just returning a shopping
41:51
cart or like just like small little acts of kindness for me
41:55
is something that I want to do at all times.
41:59
I want to talk to my mom every day as well.
42:01
Like we have like a group thread through my family that we text
42:06
on. But I like want to talk to my
42:07
mom because it probably caused her the most harm out of
42:10
everyone and our relationships better.
42:14
I usually am at a meeting every night or I'm doing like a
42:23
sponsee. I have a sponsee now, so I'm
42:27
taking them through the book and then I now like that.
42:33
I'm 10 months and I started playing like a sport.
42:36
So at night I got to like either be on a team at a team meeting
42:43
or being somebody's teammate, you know?
42:45
Literally the opposite of isolation.
42:47
Yeah, yeah, I gotta I gotta be connected some way shape or
42:51
form. Yeah, the essentials are, are
42:56
are making recovery 1st is my essential.
42:59
You know, it's given me a life now that I have, but that is
43:04
like pretty much my focus all day is like how can I live
43:07
within these 12 steps and how can I practice these 12 steps?
43:11
And for me now the 12th step is like my most important one is
43:16
like I want to help. So I never thought that my story
43:22
would be helpful to anyone. I figured it would have a tragic
43:26
ending. That was my distorted thinking
43:28
before, and now I feel like, you know, been around enough to be
43:33
like, yeah, that my, my story could actually help someone.
43:37
Yeah, I love it, man. What does service do for you in
43:39
terms of the one-on-one? Because honestly, bro, by far
43:43
that's still my favorite part of recovery is taking another guy
43:47
through the steps, through the book.
43:50
What does it do for you? Gets me out of my head because
43:55
during like rehab, your program is 24/7 basically.
43:59
And then I went to sober living for three months after rehab
44:01
where you're programmed a lot there as well.
44:05
Yeah. And now I live on my own in an
44:07
apartment, so. And I've had one job.
44:11
I got fired from the other job. I had to resign because it
44:14
wasn't really safe anymore. So I've been in a flux of like,
44:18
I have time, so I need to be of service 'cause like I can only
44:23
do a meeting, go work out, you know, go to the pool for an
44:28
hour, like. 3 hours a day. For me, it's like it gets me out
44:31
of my head, 'cause my thinking still is insane.
44:34
If I'm sitting there by myself, I can spin, I can be like, oh,
44:38
what if this happens? What if this happens?
44:40
You know, Oh my God, I made a mistake here.
44:43
I should sit in self pity and, you know, eat junk food the rest
44:47
of the day and not talk to anyone.
44:48
So for me gives me purpose. It's like I need service so that
44:53
I get out of my head and that I can go see other people and
44:57
build some self worth back into my life and realize that I'm not
45:03
alone. So when we were in sober living,
45:06
they like like be of service, be of service, be of service.
45:10
We're like, I have two months. I'm like, you can't be a service
45:13
at a Home group till you're a year, right?
45:15
Like, so we just thought of ways that we could go and do stuff
45:18
and we kind of like took it upon ourselves to just like go down
45:23
and do stuff for people who are living on the streets.
45:26
And for me, I, I love it, man. Like it's, it's my favorite part
45:30
of, of the program is volunteering or, or being going
45:36
to my Home group and setting up the chairs.
45:38
And you know, like seeing other people who have years of
45:42
addiction and being able to talk to them like they're being of
45:46
service is like me being of service people are being service
45:49
of to me. So it's it's like a total cycle
45:54
of like it's not just me going to help.
45:56
I'm actually being helped for sure.
45:59
I always say it's like the pyramid scheme without the
46:01
scheme, right? Like the recovery, you know,
46:03
meetings, all that stuff. It's like this beautiful pyramid
46:06
scheme that there's no catch, right?
46:08
It's like people, they want to do things to help you, but also
46:12
it helps them. And it's yeah, it's this
46:14
beautiful sort of give and take to like cycle that like you
46:17
said. I love that man.
46:20
What's something that you're, you know, you've been recently
46:23
working on personally, like something that you're you're
46:26
trying to work on? Letting go of outcomes same yes,
46:34
yeah, you know, like the whole like putting your entire life
46:40
into into God's will for me, like my defects of character
46:46
will come up where it's like fear of being alone, financial
46:50
insecurity. So, you know, not obsessing over
46:55
what job is going to make me the money or what, what job do I
46:59
need to get. And really just being like, you
47:01
know what, let go of all that stuff.
47:03
Just stick in the middle of the 12 step program and you will be
47:07
rewarded. So like, really what I've been
47:11
working on through this, like transition of job is doing more
47:16
within the 12 steps because the promises come true if I actually
47:21
do what I'm supposed to do, which is, you know, be right in
47:25
the middle of that. And that's why I like, I went on
47:28
the retreat. That's why, you know, I don't
47:30
say no when I'm asked to do something.
47:33
And yeah, it just gives me the purpose.
47:37
But yeah, really letting go of outcomes completely is what I'm
47:44
trying to work on because I don't know how to do a lot of
47:50
things without that payoff, right?
47:55
Like without knowing there's a payoff.
47:57
Like for instance, if I were to like back in the day, like I'm
48:01
not dating anyone, but in the back in the day, it's like,
48:05
well, I'm only going to go out with her up to this, you know,
48:07
like if I know that we're going to be a thing or I'm going to
48:10
get something out of it. And now it's like just speaking
48:14
to girls as friends is a new thing for me.
48:17
I don't know how it's like just talking to people without any
48:23
expectation or any outcome. And same with like going and
48:27
trying something new and having no idea how to do it or, or what
48:32
it is. Like this.
48:33
I've never done a podcast like we'll just go and talk, like
48:36
just go. And so just showing up and, and
48:39
really trying to be a helpful and, and realizing that
48:44
everything that is supposed to happen will happen.
48:46
If you live within, you know, the 12 steps in being a good
48:50
human being, then God will take care of you.
48:54
So letting go of all that has been what I'm working on.
48:57
I agree man, I'm struggling with that too.
48:59
But it's also like, you know, the 12 steps and the 12
49:02
principles behind them too is so important, right?
49:04
Because in my daily life, if I'm practicing honesty, hope, faith,
49:11
you know, brotherly love, service, humility, like all
49:17
these things, if I'm just trying my best, I'm not going to be
49:19
perfect. Progress, not perfection.
49:20
We are not Saints, right? If I constantly practice that
49:24
things are going to work out, you know, they might not work
49:26
out on my time. They might not work out the way
49:28
I wanted them to work out. But you know, invariably, every
49:32
single time I'm going to find out, just like the book says,
49:35
that what I wanted, what I needed was what I wanted the
49:40
whole time, right? So what I actually needed is
49:43
what I actually is what I really wanted the whole time, right?
49:46
I think I want this. I think I want 10,000 followers
49:49
on Instagram. I think I want my podcast to
49:51
blow up and make money. But at the end of the day, it's
49:54
like, no, dude, you get to fucking sit down for two hours
49:58
out of the day with a really cool person in recovery every
50:02
single time. Talk recovery, talk hope, talk,
50:05
talk faith and maybe help one person, you know what I mean?
50:09
What a beautiful thing in and of itself.
50:11
Shut up. You know, just just be grateful,
50:14
right? Like just just be grateful that
50:16
you get to do that. And you learned how to do all
50:17
this stuff. And like things have been
50:19
happening where it's like, yeah, you know, I, I get like messages
50:24
from people that I don't even know sometimes.
50:26
And I'm like, holy shit. Like I didn't think that real,
50:29
that podcast, that thing, I didn't think that was helping
50:31
it. Like, I thought that was shit.
50:33
I didn't think that helped anybody.
50:34
I didn't think there was no any message of hope, you know, of,
50:38
of recovery or, or hope or faith in that.
50:43
And then it's like, you know, somebody messages me and like,
50:46
man, I never realized that I did this or that or thank you.
50:48
And I'm just like, Oh yeah, you did your job right.
50:53
Like you, you did your service for today, you know.
50:56
Yeah, yeah. It was always like, you know, I
51:02
had it, I had it and now I lost it.
51:04
Sorry, live. People, that was a good thing.
51:06
We're not alive. But it was always like, for me,
51:13
it couldn't be about me. It was like, OK, well, you can
51:17
come to me and I'll. You can buy drugs from me or,
51:20
you know, I'll be able to serve you at the bar or what can.
51:26
Like, I always thought of myself having to have something for
51:29
someone to like, get value out of me.
51:32
Like I needed to have something else other than my own self.
51:37
It was like, there's no way that anyone wants to hear from me
51:40
about like the truth of my life. You know, it was like always
51:46
some sort of external thing that it was like, OK, I need
51:49
validation. It's like, yes, you can use me
51:51
for these things. But it wasn't until I guess I
51:57
like shared my story the first time I like guest spoke at A at
52:02
one of the meetings and then afterwards, like people asked me
52:06
for my number and we're like, you helped me.
52:08
And I was like, I'm like, and then for me, I'm like, all that
52:15
stuff I went through is worth it.
52:17
You know, it's out. It's totally, totally worth it.
52:22
Because if one if I can help one person, then then that is really
52:26
that's enough. Yeah, I love it.
52:29
What's the best piece of advice you got in early recovery or in
52:32
recovery in general? Think two things always stand
52:38
out for me. My, my, my sponsor said life's
52:42
none of my business. Other, you know, that was
52:48
something that I always really got caught up with was how can I
52:52
help other people or fix their problems when it's like, I'm not
52:55
a therapist, I'm not qualified, I don't have any.
52:58
I'm not God, but I would try to do whatever I could to get them
53:03
to act in the way that I wanted so they'd be happy, so they'd be
53:06
happy with me, so that they would like me.
53:09
But really I didn't have any idea how to help anyone.
53:13
So life's none of my business. Don't care.
53:17
Be helpful. And that has been really
53:22
important because you've been, you see that it's like a lot of
53:28
people don't stay sober, right? A lot of people go out and you
53:32
can, you got to be try to be helpful for them be like, I will
53:36
try to, you know, show up for you or bring you coffee or like,
53:40
do you want to come to a meeting?
53:41
But if they're not ready to come back, then you got to let it go.
53:45
And that's like new because I would always like be too caring
53:51
and be too involved. And I would just give up
53:53
everything and go and, you know, be an addiction with someone you
53:57
know to try. So don't care, be helpful.
53:59
Life's none of my business. But the biggest one for me is
54:03
page 417. Acceptance is the answer to all
54:06
my problems today. And that radical acceptance of
54:11
everyone else's life is that's how they are.
54:16
And I need to not try to change them.
54:20
I need to figure out a way that I can be helpful or just be
54:26
there because I have to have that radical acceptance that
54:31
it's like I have no part in other people's business.
54:35
So whatever they say, whatever they do, if it goes against my,
54:41
how I think things should be, I need to be like, OK, either, you
54:46
know, stay out of it, don't pick a fight or stay neutral or just
54:51
be like, I'm, I can understand how you feel that way.
54:54
Yeah, it's powerful. I think Alex Firmozi said it,
54:57
but it just reminded me of of when you were talking there.
55:00
He he always says when someone pisses him off or someone, you
55:03
know, does something that he doesn't agree with or he just
55:06
says, I say to myself now they're simply not living the
55:10
way I would prefer in a way I which when in a way which I
55:14
would prefer, right? They're not living in a way out
55:16
in which I would prefer, right? And I, it's so freeing to just
55:19
think like that, you know? And then when I'm, when somebody
55:22
doesn't like me, same thing. I'm not living in a way in which
55:26
they prefer, right? It's just like, it's such a
55:29
little simple mindset shift where it's like, yeah, it's not
55:31
up to me. I can't control them.
55:33
And if they're happy and they're not hurting anyone, and either
55:36
way, it's not my business. To your point, right, Yeah,
55:39
Yeah, that and I'd say a better understanding of like, the word
55:44
empathy to me, empathy you've described when I was going in
55:47
was like, put yourself in someone else's shoes and it's
55:49
like, OK, I can do that. I hate them, you know, like, but
55:53
then 'cause I hate myself. Empathy now, like the way it was
55:57
explained to me is like that is every experience and every point
56:02
of that person's life from when they were a child, through their
56:07
growing up, through their relationships, through their
56:10
whatever happened trauma and things in their life.
56:13
Like empathy is putting yourself in that person's life from start
56:18
till now. And when I can do that with
56:22
someone and look, and perhaps they say things that I don't
56:26
agree with. But when I actually show that
56:29
kind of empathy by starting from when they were born and taking
56:33
into account all of the things that happened to them, I
56:38
actually feel way I can let the things go that bother me way
56:43
easier and be like, that is how they are.
56:47
They're not going to change. And I actually have like it
56:52
makes me feel like an asshole for, for judge for like being
56:56
judgmental of someone who is maybe sick as well.
57:00
But there's a goddamn good reason that they are the way
57:03
they are. And I don't, you know, it allows
57:06
me to really be more compassionate and empathetic
57:08
towards other people. And that has been really helpful
57:13
for for me to be able to go back to that radical acceptance and
57:16
be like, yeah, empathy's not just putting yourself in
57:19
someone's shoes today. It's putting yourself in to
57:22
their life and start tone now. I love that.
57:24
I've never heard that before. I love that.
57:25
Yeah. Robin Williams always used to
57:28
say, you know, everybody is battling something you know
57:31
nothing about, right? And it's true.
57:33
I don't. I don't know the full story.
57:35
So how can I assume anything? You know?
57:37
Love it. OK, man.
57:39
Fuck. Let's close with this.
57:40
There's a you. You had a lot of good things.
57:42
I I did. I learned a lot.
57:44
Did I do good? Do you like me?
57:45
Yeah. Great.
57:46
Subscribe check like follow me on Instagram smash the.
57:49
Ego smashed it. What do you hope people get out
57:55
of your story? I hope that they can.
58:06
I hope that it just might help help somebody, but I hope that
58:14
they can. I don't know.
58:17
Oh man, good question. What do I have?
58:20
I stole it from someone. I guess the main the main thing
58:28
that I would hope, and I'm probably didn't really even
58:30
express this, but like there's so much help, there is so much
58:34
help and people willing to help that you know, you can change,
58:43
you know, like I can. My thinking has done a complete
58:47
180 from less than a year ago till now.
58:50
A year ago, I was, you know, at home too scared to look up rehab
58:56
places, but I knew I needed to go and there was just no way.
59:00
And now it's like, I would recommend it to anyone who's
59:02
like this is not don't be ashamed, you know, don't be
59:06
ashamed if you have this disease that a lot of us have, it's it's
59:11
OK. And there's a lot of people that
59:13
can help, and I don't know you like by me getting help, what
59:25
you might be so ashamed of can probably allow you to actually
59:33
help someone else. Well said.
59:36
Thanks so much, Patty. I have no idea.
59:38
I appreciate you, buddy. Thanks for coming down man.
59:40
Thank you, that was awesome. Thanks for listening.
59:43
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59:48
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59:51
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59:55
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59:58
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