Latest / Chatting with The Experts with Paula Okonneh / Empowering Women: Visioning and Transformational Coaching

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Empowering Women: Visioning and Transformational Coaching · Chatting with The Experts with Paula Okonneh

0:03
Hello everyone, and welcome to another episode of Chatting with
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the Experts with Paula Okonneh.
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That's me, where I speak with women from Africa, from the
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Caribbean, and in the diaspora.
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These women are experts, they are professionals, they are successful
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entrepreneurs, and they share a mission, which is my mission, and
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that mission is to inspire, to empower and to educate women globally.
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Today, the title of our show, or my show is Coaching Women Towards Wholeness,
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Clarity, Courage, and Next Steps.
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And in this inspiring conversation, Certified Life Coach Bemene Piaro, shares
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how her coaching practice supports women of color in reconnecting with their
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courage with the agency and freedom.
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And she does this with or through visioning workshops
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and also one-on-one support.
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Bemene is a certified life coach and the founder of the Wholeness Center.
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She was born in Nigeria, raised in the United States, and has traveled
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to more than 20 countries, which has deepened her understanding of
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diverse cultures and perspectives.
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She also holds a master's degree in public health and certifications from
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the International Coach Academy and the International Coaching Federation.
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If you have been watching or listening to my show, you'll hear me always say
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that my guests have such impressive bios.
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So, and I can never speak enough or read out all of their bios.
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So what I'm gonna do is invite her now to join me and so she can talk
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a little bit more about herself before we dive into the show.
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So welcome to Chatting with the Experts, Bemene.
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Hello.
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I'm so happy to be here.
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Thank you..
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Thank you for saying yes, because you share my mission, which is to inspire,
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educate, and empower women globally.
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Yes.
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So I read a bit of your bio, but I know I didn't cover everything.
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Is there anything else that you'd like people to know about you?
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I actually think you did a wonderful job.
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Thank you so much.
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Thank you.
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I always say, wow, these bios are so impressive.
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So, so we are gonna be talking about how to coach women towards wholeness,
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clarity, courage, and next steps.
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Mm-hmm.
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Tell me, first and foremost, why did you choose women of color?
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Any reason?
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Yeah.
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Yeah.
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That's a great question.
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I chose women of color because I am a woman of color, and I do think there is
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a power in shared identity and similar experiences in creating a space before
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you even have that first conversation.
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At least there's a hope there of maybe some understanding, some safety and
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some empathy that may very well exist when there's not shared identity,
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but you have to figure that out.
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Whereas in sometimes when you see someone with shared identity, you
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feel more encouraged, more hopeful.
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And so I lean into that to provide my clients that sense of empathy and safety.
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Love that.
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I love that.
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But so one of the ways that you do that you said, is through
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visioning workshops and also one-on-one, or one-to-one support.
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So what's the power of visioning and, okay, let's start with that.
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What's the power of visioning?
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Yeah, thank you.
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So visioning, what I love the most about it is that it gives us the opportunity
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to kind of suspend disbelief temporarily at least, so that we can imagine and
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vision the reality we would really like.
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I think sometimes we can be so limited by what we think our circumstances
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are or what they may very well be.
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What we already currently believe about ourselves, what we've been told, and we
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can forget what really matters to us, what we really want, and kind of lose
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that connection to like dreams and hopes.
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And so what I like about visioning and the process I take people through is like
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we spend time just kind of reconnecting with ourselves, getting grounded, inviting
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ourself into a space of possibilities.
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Mm-hmm.
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And then we're just like, Hey, do you know what, no one is denying your reality.
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No one is denying all the limitations that may be in place, but for now, let's
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just think about what you would like.
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Let's just think about what would be possible if all
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those things weren't there.
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I think what you would like and what is possible if those things weren't there.
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Mm.
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Yeah.
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So is there a difference between visioning and reflective coaching?
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That's a good question.
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So visioning is, well they're both processes, but visioning
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workshops specifically is a process.
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When I think about reflective coaching, I think of all
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coaching really as reflective.
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Hmm.
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I see coaching as a space where someone is helping you to hold up a mirror
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to yourself in a good way, right?
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To hold up a mirror to what your values are, what your deep down
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desires are, so that you can look and say, do I like how that look?
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Or no, that's not really what I thought I looked like.
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Let's change that.
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But like, you can make those adjustments based on what it looks like to you
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and whether or not you like it.
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So, we're asking you like, whatever you bring up, whatever your challenge is,
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well, what is important about that to you?
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You know, what values of yours are being impacted?
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You know, what frame of reference are you looking at that through, right?
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So it's just helping you to really think about the you beneath the situation or
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the circumstances or whatever it is in a way that we can sometimes not do because
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we're so going, going, going all the time.
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So it's a space to really reconnect with who you are.
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So both off of that coaching I think does that in general, visioning is really more
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specifically about setting your future.
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It's more about like envisioning the future, what you want in the future.
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It may lead to goal setting and action items, but first getting at it from
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like kind of bigger, broader picture of what you want your future to be,
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what you want your life to look like.
7:10
I like that.
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I do indeed.
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So I know you're also off camera sometime back, we talked about how, why
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coaching is a transformational space and not necessarily a motivational one.
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Let's dig deeper into that.
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We believe it transforms you as opposed to motivates you.
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But a few minutes ago when we talked about, you know, when vision where
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we are looking to the future and picturing what that would be like.
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Isn't that motivation or not necessarily?
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Absolutely, it is.
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I would say that coaching is a transformational, not only motivational.
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So one way to think about it is motivation.
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Oftentimes the way people deal with motivation is how do I force myself
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to do that thing that I think I should do or have to do or just get
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it done or just get to the next step?
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Whereas in coaching, it is really about helping you to understand you, helping
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you to understand why, helping you to understand what is getting in your way.
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So, you know, if I, here to motivate you or here to be a concern to you,
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and you're like, oh, I can't do this.
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I might be like, okay let's figure out how we make you essentially do it, right?
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Like, can we come up with your to-do list?
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Let's put the calendar invites in place.
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Like what are the tools, and this is good to help you do it, but if I'm offering
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you transformational coaching, you might realize that, oh, I actually didn't
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wanna do that to begin with, right?
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So and so told me I needed to do that, and now I'm over here
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trying to make myself do that.
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I don't wanna do it.
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My body's telling me, my energy's telling me it's hard to sit
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here and make myself do it.
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I'm not excited about doing it.
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And so it's like, well, what are you excited about doing?
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What do you wanna do?
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And so when you are like, know what you're excited about it, know what you wanna do,
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then it might be easier to do it, right?
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So it's like, okay, well so when do you wanna do that?
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You know, what would help you do that?
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And letting you come up with those answers from within yourself,
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rather than me externally trying to get you to do anything or
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trying to get you to a quick fix.
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It's also transformational.
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I think really one of the key reasons is transformational is
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because it's coming from within you.
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Mm-hmm.
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And so you are more likely to do it.
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You are more likely to change what you need to change.
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To get to where you want to get to, where you need to get to, and
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it also allows for it takes time.
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It's a process.
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It's a journey.
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It's not about the immediate, right?
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There may be some immediate results, but then a challenge may come up again.
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But now you are in a journey and you understand that.
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So the motivation is internal.
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It
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comes from within you.
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Exactly.
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This is, you know, from
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the coaching, you realize that hey.
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It's not an external force, it's not somebody else, but this is something
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I've been contemplating and now I can see the possibilities and how
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I can go about and achieve that.
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Mm-hmm.
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And so I guess that the end result is more sustainable.
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It's more something that person feels I can actually do
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because it came from within.
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Exactly.
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And you remove guilt, I think too, right?
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Like when it's like I just have to get it done, then you're beating
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yourself up if you didn't get it done?
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You're feeling guilty and you are driven by more so negative emotions
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versus when you allow yourself to really be with the emotions and understand
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what they're trying to tell you.
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Well, maybe it really is.
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Maybe I do wanna do this.
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I'm the one who wanna do this, but I'm tired.
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Mm-hmm.
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Well, okay.
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What do I need now, right?
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Like maybe I need to rest and I will do this so much better and
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with so much more ease after that.
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Or maybe I need to understand, well, how am I getting tired?
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What am I choosing at the times when I'm most energized, right?
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Like, so, so much comes out of just giving yourself that space to be with
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the emotions, to be with, again, what's coming up for you rather than just
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trying to force your way through it.
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I can see yes to do what's coming up for you.
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So there's clarity in that.
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Understanding yourself, understanding what motivates you, understanding
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why you wanna do what you wanna do, and then going for it.
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Exactly.
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And I like the part you said, and there's no guilt because it's not, you don't
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feel like you're disappointing somebody.
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'cause it's not external, it's internal.
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Mm-hmm.
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Yeah.
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Exactly.
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Yeah.
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So let's talk also about self trust and agency you know, we talked offline
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again sometime back about systems being
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inequitable.
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And how that sometimes leads to internalized beliefs that are not
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positive, that are not helpful.
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Sometimes they can be, like you said, when the transformation comes within
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yourself, then that's positive.
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But sometimes when we internalize beliefs about ourselves because of a
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system that has been in place on us.
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Mm-hmm.
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How do you help with that?
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Yeah, and I just wanna be like very clear that it can really be... we're
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all living in, in systems all the time.
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It can really be any system.
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It can be the huge ones that we all know of, the ISMS.
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All of those have an impact.
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But it could also be just your family culture, your family
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tradition, your basically your environment and circumstances.
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And experiences can lead to sometimes us holding some beliefs about ourselves
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that are not very empowering, right?
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They're very limiting like, if you don't think you're smart enough or intelligent
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enough, which is most likely not true, but something led you to feel that way.
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Maybe you looked around at all the people that were doing something that you were
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doing because you were smart and none of them looked like you, and then you maybe
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had one instance where you didn't do as well and you thought, oh my gosh, it's
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because, you know, it's because of who I am or how I look, rather than, you know,
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this was something challenging and you know, and I was challenged by it, right?
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And so now you've taken that message and you've internalized
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it, and you have some beliefs about yourself that are in fact not true.
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And we all have different circumstances like that.
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And so what coaching offers is the opportunity to just begin, ask yourself,
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right, what is it that I believe?
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What belief am I holding in this instance unknown to me probably
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'cause I developed it a long time ago?
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That is making me believe that I'm this way or I have to do this this way, or
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like this will not work or whatever else.
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Like, when we don't examine our beliefs or kind of our thoughts
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like, what is driving us?
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Then they just drive us.
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But if we take a moment to examine and it's like, well, who said that was true?
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Do I still believe that to be true?
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Can I look now over my history and look for examples of where that wasn't true?
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Or, you know, what?
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Can I make the determination now that you know what, that's not what I want.
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So I'm gonna just do something different in the future.
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But first you have to really, truly understand what is happening.
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What is the real problem, right?
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Like, what is the deep, underlying thing that is causing whatever emotions that
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I'm having and why I even recognize that I'm having these emotions or am
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I just looking at the outcome of it?
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And thinking that, you know, it's something I'm powerless against.
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That's food for thought, because I like how you went back and said, you
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know, all systems are never equal.
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You know, so it doesn't really matter whether it's an external system per se,
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or even internal in the sense, as you say, it could be family, it could be culture.
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Most families are, you know, nuclear, mother, father, and
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children, and then extended family.
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And so those family cultures come into play because typically the
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child is impacted by, you know, the environment in which they are in.
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Mm-hmm.
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And that, as you rightfully pointed out, can lead to these internalized
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beliefs, which may not be healthy or may be healthy, but may or sometimes
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are healthy but when put in another environment, they're not healthy there.
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Exactly.
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Exactly.
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Exactly.
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And and what you maybe even believe is true about like whatever
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category you belong in, right?
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Like what you think, oh, you know, Nigerians do this, , or
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you know, whatever else.
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Well, that could have come from a lot of different places, right?
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Maybe it came from media or maybe it really came from somebody said that
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to you, who is well-meaning, right?
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But what if that's not what you want to do?
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Right?
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So yeah.
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So, there are many things like that that like you said they may not
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inherently be bad when examined, right?
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Like you can take some encouragement from it, right?
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Like you can learn something from it.
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And there can be very many positive things about it.
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Once you, again examine it and determine, okay, well how does this
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actually work for me in this context?
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And if it's no longer serving me, I'm gonna let it go.
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Doesn't serve me.
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It's not true anymore.
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Even if it was true at some point.
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And then we're gonna move on.
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Yeah.
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Yeah.
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Yeah.
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That sometimes takes some help.
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Sometimes it takes a lot of maturity to realize that, yes,
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this was true within this space, but now I'm outside this space.
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It's not that it's not true, but just within this other
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space, it's no longer true.
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Mm-hmm.
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It takes maturity.
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Yeah.
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It takes sometimes guidance.
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It takes sometimes, as you said, coaching, it takes examining yourself and asking
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yourself, what do you really want?
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Mm-hmm.
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Exactly.
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Mm-hmm.
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Sometimes we're not even asked that.
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We're not always getting asked, what do we want?
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And we don't always ask ourselves what do we want?
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And it takes some processing, I mean.
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Asking yourself that question can also be unsettling because you may not want the
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answer that you hear bubbling up inside of yourself and you're like, really?
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Yeah, like that?
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That's gonna be work.
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I don't know.
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I'm ready for that.
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Am I ready for that?
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That's so true.
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So true.
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So true.
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So I know that you have a holistic coaching practice.
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And you mentioned the tool that you use FlipIt is I think one of
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the tools you mentioned offline.
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Tell us more about that.
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Absolutely.
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So I appreciate your framing of it as a holistic coaching practice
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because a tool is just as a tool and there are many wonderful tools
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in coaching for different purposes.
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The FlipIt framework came through the International Coaching Academy, which
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is where I got my certification and what I really appreciate about it.
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So it's a essentially a set of images, values, feelings cards and a process
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that basically allows the coachee, the person getting coached to go through
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a process of being able to really define their challenge that they're
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experiencing, being able to truly understand the challenge so that the next
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steps kind of flow naturally for them.
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And it takes you through, a really creative way of defining that
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challenge and teaches people basically we are all the artistic directors
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of our own lives, which is not something everybody knows, right?
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Like, it's like you see your life through a lens and a frame, whether or not you
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are aware of it, and someone else sees the exact same set of experiences through
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their own lens and their own frame, and that kind of determines how they feel and
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how the decisions they make going forward.
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So helping you to understand what is the frame through which you
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are looking at your experiences.
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So, one way does that say it provides you images if you are having a hard
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time defining how you're feeling or like what your challenge is.
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Okay, well let's get out of the words.
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Let's get out of our head.
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Here's a set of images.
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Does one of them kind of help reflect where you are and
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what you're feeling right now?
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And if not, what image comes to mind for you for, you know, whatever this
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challenge is, how you're feeling.
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And that kind of gets people out of their own head and just kind of more
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connected again with the creativity.
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Like it's a little bit externalizing.
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So it can be a process for people who are maybe not as great with
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using words to define and talk about their, their experiences.
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So then we move from that to, okay, well what does this image mean for you?
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What feelings does it bring up?
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And we can give you a set of feelings if you're somebody who is having
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a hard time to look at and react and be like, oh, I feel that way.
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I feel that way.
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Or maybe not that I see that.
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I think I'm feeling this way.
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And moving from that we go into okay.
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So, are there some values maybe that you hold that are getting
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impacted in this situation?
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Because sometimes when we have negative feelings, it's 'cause some deeply held
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belief or value of ours is being impacted.
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Even if we're not aware, like something we believe to be true or
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the way we think people should behave or whatever, or we should behave
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or whatever in a certain situation.
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Being, it's not being met.
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But we're not always aware that that's happening.
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We think it's the other person.
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We think it's the circumstances, but it's like, why do those circumstances
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and that person impact you in this way?
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So, again, there's a list and you can always go, that's not my list, but here's
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one that I come up with as a result.
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And the very best part is you get to look at, well, what lens
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are you looking at this true?
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Because you can have lenses that are empowering.
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Right.
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Like you can have lenses that are like optimistic, that you know,
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are confident, that are curious.
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Or you can have ones that are like fearful and limiting towards yourself.
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So it's like, well, what lens are you looking at and how is that
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impacting how you go about this situation and how you react to
22:19
people and how people react to you.
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And then why I like this particular tool is this fast part.
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It's like, okay, are you ready to try on a different lens?
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Right?
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Like, what is the opposite of this?
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And if you try that on and we're just talking about it, you're
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like, that's not quite right.
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Let's try on another lens like this is a safe space where you could
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imagine what is a different way that I could be other than the way that I'm
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being now, and find one that excites you and you just get to try it on.
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It's like a playful way of being, about making the shift
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and the change that you need.
22:55
Awesome.
22:56
That's neat.
22:56
That's really very holistic, because you start it off by saying it can
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be very helpful to people who find it very hard to express themselves
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verbally for whatever reason it could.
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I mean, for whatever reason, and it gives them a chance to try on, I look at
23:13
things, I almost say try and, because I was thinking about that, you know, like
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trying on different hats or looking at it through different, as you say, lenses and
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understanding, okay, you may be looking at it in this lens or fearful lens, but
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if you consider it and you know, more cheerful or, you know, gleeful or playful.
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Hmm.
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Look at it, you know?
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I like that.
23:35
I like that.
23:36
And it's not limited to, well, to a certain age group of people.
23:42
I mean, I assume it's probably for adults or can you have a five yearold?
23:48
'cause I'm just thinking like even just developmentally a 5-year-old may not
23:53
be able to express themselves as...
23:55
Yeah.
23:55
In the same way.
23:56
And I will full disclosure, I've never coached a 5-year-old in a formal
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coaching setting, so I have no clue.
24:05
Oh my gosh.
24:05
I imagine possibly the image side, right?
24:08
Or the opportunity to draw or create something that represents how
24:13
they're feeling could be good right?
24:15
So to, I could see it being very helpful because they don't
24:18
have to express it in words.
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They can draw it or they can say, this image one, I said, well,
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what does this image mean to you?
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Or, you know, you know what?
24:29
Where do you feel it?
24:31
Right?
24:31
Like, if they're like, well, it's like this.
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Okay, well, where does it hurt?
24:34
Where does, where do you feel that?
24:35
So I could see it working, but I've never used it there.
24:38
But it's not topic specific.
24:40
It's not like you have to have this particular issue and it's not gender or,
24:44
and it is not any of those categories.
24:46
It's just really a process that is really mirroring regular
24:51
transformational coaching process, but just gives a tool to do it.
24:57
Absolutely love this.
24:59
Yeah.
25:00
Because of time.
25:00
I had another question, which was apart from FlipIt, is there another tool?
25:04
But that's probably something we can talk about when the live audience joins us.
25:08
Okay.
25:09
You know, so that when there'll be a bit more time, but for those listening
25:13
or viewing later, is there any way they can get in contact with you online?
25:19
Absolutely.
25:20
Anyone can certainly go to my website at any time and actually book a
25:24
complimentary discovery session where we basically identify what is the
25:30
best thing for them in terms of the support that they're needing, and I'm
25:34
always happy to answer and educate about coaching as a tool itself.
25:40
So oftentimes people are not really clear what coaching is.
25:44
They know they need some kind of support, and so that's a great space
25:47
to ask questions and talk about what it is you're looking for and
25:52
what might be the best help for you.
25:54
So that's always available.
25:56
So in addition to doing visioning workshops at the beginning of every
25:59
year or at the end, I also do quarterly check-ins and I see them as an
26:04
opportunity again, to celebrate wins and also release some of that energy
26:10
or disappointment or guilt or whatever people have gathered from that quarter.
26:15
Whatever they think they didn't get done that they wanted to get
26:18
done, and then to reset and realign.
26:21
And envision their next quarter.
26:23
Awesome.
26:24
And of the social media platforms.
26:27
I am the Wholeness Center.
26:30
It's on Instagram.
26:31
I'm also on LinkedIn and on Facebook.
26:35
Awesome.
26:37
And so to my fantastic viewers and listeners, I want you to know that just as
26:45
has been a guest, you too can be a guest.
26:47
And how do you do that?
26:48
If you reach out to me on my website, which is chattingwiththeexperts.com.
26:54
Can contact me there.
26:55
I'm also on LinkedIn.
26:57
I love LinkedIn as Paula Okonneh.
26:59
I also have a business page Chatting with the Experts.
27:02
You can find me on Instagram.
27:04
My handle there is at chat_experts_podcast.
27:10
I'm on Facebook as Paula Okonneh and we have a YouTube channel that
27:15
we'd love for you to subscribe to.
27:17
'Cause every week.
27:19
I have incredible dynamic women who share their expertise so that you can
27:29
be encouraged, inspired, and motivated by whatever they're the expert on.
27:36
So thank you so much, Bemene, for coming on to Chatting with the Experts.
27:40
Thank you.
27:41
And now we'll open up the floor to all who joined us so that they
27:45
can ask you any question related to what you're talking about.
27:48
Of course.
27:50
Thank you again.
27:51
Thank you.