Latest / Ridiculous History / CLASSIC: The Smooth-talking Takeover of Tabor Bridge: "Yes And-ing" Your Way To Victory

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CLASSIC: The Smooth-talking Takeover of Tabor Bridge: "Yes And-ing" Your Way To Victory · Ridiculous History

0:00
Speaker 1: Fellow ridiculous historians, what is the Is there a moment
0:05
Speaker 1: in your life where you really impressed yourself with your
0:08
Speaker 1: bedside manner, your smooth talking ability.
0:11
Speaker 2: Have you ever yes.
0:13
Speaker 1: ANDed your way into a ridiculous situation, because we have.
0:16
Speaker 2: I love the idea of like having good bedside manner
0:19
Speaker 2: with yourself and like being impressed by no It's true,
0:22
Speaker 2: ben bedside manner is important. And in eighteen oh five,
0:25
Speaker 2: two Frenchmen found themselves in quite the what do they
0:29
Speaker 2: call those things, the cornichon, you know, the little pickles.
0:34
Speaker 2: That of Jean Lane and Jakim Mura who needed to
0:39
Speaker 2: cross the Danube at the Tabor Bridge, which is a
0:42
Speaker 2: series of three bridges actually in order to reach Vienna.
0:45
Speaker 2: This is another war story. This is a war debacle,
0:49
Speaker 2: a little bit of a war oopsie.
0:50
Speaker 1: Yeah, this is also a this is a great con story.
0:55
Speaker 1: This would be cool to make a into a film
0:58
Speaker 1: for the Ridiculous History Somatic universe, because as we'll see, folks,
1:03
Speaker 1: these guys clearly had to have had had to have
1:08
Speaker 1: taken something like an improv class, and we're going to
1:12
Speaker 1: journey with them as they con their way through those
1:16
Speaker 1: three bridges without firing a single shot. Ridiculous History is
1:23
Speaker 1: a production of iHeartRadio. Bonjours Ridiculous Historians, and welcome to
1:52
Speaker 1: the show. We'd like to begin by giving a profound
1:55
Speaker 1: and sincere thank you to Napoleon Bonaparte, who has done
2:00
Speaker 1: so much for this program.
2:02
Speaker 2: Yeah, man, he you know, he taught us how to
2:04
Speaker 2: love again.
2:05
Speaker 1: He taught us that rabbits can be a threat. He
2:09
Speaker 1: taught us that a little bit of hutspli goes a
2:11
Speaker 1: long way.
2:12
Speaker 2: Yeah. He taught us about the inherent beauty of a
2:14
Speaker 2: swanlike neck and a luxurious ringlet filled maine.
2:19
Speaker 1: Yeah, we are going to talk about one of Napoleon's
2:22
Speaker 1: officials who epitomize that. But first things first. I'm Ben,
2:27
Speaker 1: I'm no, and we are joined with our super producer,
2:31
Speaker 1: Casey Pegram and give it up for him, folks.
2:35
Speaker 2: I don't know why it sounds so downtrodden when I
2:37
Speaker 2: said that. I was just trying something new, trying a
2:39
Speaker 2: new cadence. You know, I don't know.
2:41
Speaker 1: And sometimes we need to try new and unorthodox things
2:45
Speaker 1: when the traditional methods aren't quite working, or even when
2:48
Speaker 1: we need something new.
2:50
Speaker 2: Ben, your mastery of the segue never ceases to amaze
2:53
Speaker 2: balls me.
2:54
Speaker 1: That's very kind man. Thank you for saying so. Our
2:57
Speaker 1: story today takes place during the nople Wars.
3:00
Speaker 2: Oh boy, you know those Napoleonic Wars. It was that
3:04
Speaker 2: conflict that lasted from around eighteen oh three till eighteen fifteen.
3:08
Speaker 2: We're Napoleon. It was like Napoleon versus the world, or
3:11
Speaker 2: at least Europe. But he had overthrown the during the revolution,
3:17
Speaker 2: the French Revolutionary government, and installed himself as Grand High
3:21
Speaker 2: conquering Emperor of France. And you know, he had designs
3:25
Speaker 2: on extending that title to as much of the world
3:29
Speaker 2: or the lands that he could get to as humanly possible.
3:33
Speaker 1: And whomever it was that gave us a shout out
3:35
Speaker 1: for calling it a mixtape of European powers vultronning together.
3:39
Speaker 2: Oh was you, dude? You said you said that we're
3:41
Speaker 2: a team. No, dude, I mean, I'm glad to be
3:44
Speaker 2: part of your vultron, but you are clearly the head.
3:46
Speaker 2: Oh no, no, no, we're a team. And if we were,
3:49
Speaker 2: if we did have a hierarchy, I think we could
3:51
Speaker 2: both agree. Casey is the head. I am no, no, no,
3:53
Speaker 2: I am the left shoulder. Casey is like the torso
3:56
Speaker 2: or maybe the sword, and you, sir, are the head.
3:59
Speaker 1: The reason I like the comparison of Casey being the head,
4:02
Speaker 1: and I appreciate this, But the reason I like the
4:04
Speaker 1: idea of Casey being the head is because, folks, the
4:08
Speaker 1: podcast you are hearing now has been spun from straw
4:13
Speaker 1: into gold by as super producer.
4:15
Speaker 2: Oh. I think it's a team effort there as well.
4:18
Speaker 2: We're all kind of spinning straw into gold. But Casey
4:20
Speaker 2: in particular works magic. He's a magic mouseman.
4:24
Speaker 1: Yes, there we go. I like that, and our story
4:28
Speaker 1: today is similar in terms of spinning straw into gold.
4:32
Speaker 1: It takes place on the thirteenth of November in eighteen
4:36
Speaker 1: oh five, so just.
4:38
Speaker 2: A couple of years into this massive conflict.
4:41
Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, exactly, just a couple of years into this
4:44
Speaker 1: conflict that will continue until eighteen fifteen for ten more years.
4:48
Speaker 2: Right.
4:49
Speaker 1: There are two marshals in Napoleon's forces and they are
4:53
Speaker 1: battling Austrians near a town called Spitz, which is located
4:58
Speaker 1: on the Danube River.
4:59
Speaker 2: Yeah, which is I believe near Vienna. And you said
5:02
Speaker 2: this was in Austria, so they were fighting the Austrian
5:04
Speaker 2: forces who were were no slouches. They were pretty intensely
5:09
Speaker 2: good at at at war and defending their their territory. Right. So,
5:14
Speaker 2: as you said, the French were being led by these
5:17
Speaker 2: two marshals. One of them was named Jean Lane Casey,
5:20
Speaker 2: Jean Jean Lent Casey.
5:22
Speaker 1: On the case, I like Jean, It's great. Who's the
5:26
Speaker 1: next guy?
5:26
Speaker 2: The next guy? I think I got this one? Now, yeah,
5:29
Speaker 2: I got this one. Murat Mura Murrah and Quaquim is
5:33
Speaker 2: it Juaquim Joaquim Juaqim?
5:36
Speaker 1: Yeah, Jaquim. I don't know, Casey.
5:39
Speaker 3: I think in the in French it's Joaquim, Joaquim, joaquim
5:43
Speaker 3: j something like that.
5:44
Speaker 2: Jacquim Okay, I.
5:45
Speaker 3: Think they Yeah that the j is a little more apparent.
5:48
Speaker 2: Pronounced Jauquim murrat okay. Double see on the case, double time,
5:51
Speaker 2: double time, Casey, guess right. And this dude, actually he
5:55
Speaker 2: was Jaquim Napoleon.
5:58
Speaker 1: Morat, yes, dashed Napoleon.
6:00
Speaker 2: Isn't it funny that he got the guy's first name
6:03
Speaker 2: as a weird little sub name for marrying his sister
6:06
Speaker 2: Caroline m M. You'd think he would have gotten the
6:08
Speaker 2: Bonaparte hyphenate in there. But no, no, sir, he got
6:11
Speaker 2: a Napoleon in there.
6:12
Speaker 1: Now, let's talk a little bit about these guys before
6:14
Speaker 1: we get to their adventures. So at first it looks
6:17
Speaker 1: like they're not going to have a great day. Tensions
6:20
Speaker 1: are running high. Jalquim Murat or jiel Chino Morat was
6:26
Speaker 1: born in seventeen sixty seven and he became one of
6:30
Speaker 1: Napoleon's most celebrated marshals. As a matter of fact, after
6:35
Speaker 1: this day that we discussed in today's episode, he later
6:38
Speaker 1: becomes the King of Naples. He was the son of
6:41
Speaker 1: an innkeeper. Unlike Drake, he actually did start from the bottom.
6:45
Speaker 1: He studied briefly for a career in the church, but
6:47
Speaker 1: he enlisted in a cavalry regiment in seventeen eighty seven,
6:51
Speaker 1: and when war broke out in ninety two, he was
6:54
Speaker 1: rapidly promoted. And when Napoleon was trusted with suppress a
7:00
Speaker 1: Royalist insurrection in seventeen ninety five, Marat joined up and
7:05
Speaker 1: Napoleon liked him so much, and specifically his contribution in
7:09
Speaker 1: bringing cannon to bear. One in more place is an
7:12
Speaker 1: aide de camp to Bonaparte for the Italian campaign in
7:16
Speaker 1: seventeen ninety six ninety seven, So by the time eighteen
7:19
Speaker 1: oh five rolls around, this guy is seasoned. And we
7:23
Speaker 1: don't want to judge people on appearances, but I think
7:28
Speaker 1: the three of us can agree this guy has some
7:30
Speaker 1: amazing portraits of himself.
7:32
Speaker 2: Well, we all do. All of these French military dignitaries
7:36
Speaker 2: were super well dressed in these outfits. They just don't
7:39
Speaker 2: seem very functional for.
7:40
Speaker 1: Me at a super garish She was also a real
7:43
Speaker 1: smoke show. He looks like a hair commercial.
7:45
Speaker 2: Oh I know, it looks like a commercial for product
7:48
Speaker 2: for Claire om perm kid or something.
7:49
Speaker 1: I was seeking Claire all herbal essences, neither of which
7:53
Speaker 1: responses of our show. We're just making a comparison, but
7:55
Speaker 1: we'll take it. But we will take it. If you
7:58
Speaker 1: are listening, Claire all irbl as.
8:00
Speaker 2: Or maybe some kind of relaxer I don't know.
8:02
Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, like you said, some kind of perm kit.
8:06
Speaker 1: But he and his compatriot's fellow Marshal Jean Loon. He
8:11
Speaker 1: was born in seventeen sixty nine, and he would go
8:13
Speaker 1: on to become one of Napoleon's most prized general's Napoleon
8:18
Speaker 1: when speaking of Jean Long famously once said I found
8:22
Speaker 1: him a pigmy and left him a giant, which is
8:26
Speaker 1: a very self aggrandizing way to look at somebody's success.
8:30
Speaker 2: Well, that's also kind of interesting considering what people say
8:32
Speaker 2: about Napoleon's height, you know, as though he was able
8:35
Speaker 2: to lift men up from small stature to giant.
8:38
Speaker 1: Dude, which we did establish was British propaganda. Oh really, Yeah,
8:42
Speaker 1: and I choose to still like to believe it. He
8:44
Speaker 1: wasn't actually extraordinarily short.
8:46
Speaker 2: I told a friend of mine that I was doing
8:47
Speaker 2: an episode, we were doing an episode Napoleon today, and
8:49
Speaker 2: she sent me a gift of a cartoon of Napoleon
8:52
Speaker 2: riding a very very small horse looking very sad. The horse,
8:56
Speaker 2: not Napoleon. Yeah.
8:57
Speaker 1: It was one of the most effective pro Baganda campaigns
9:01
Speaker 1: in Western history. So back to this day, November thirteenth,
9:06
Speaker 1: eighteen oh five, Jean and jacquem are guiding their forces,
9:12
Speaker 1: as as you said, nol on their way to Vienna.
9:14
Speaker 1: But there's a very important bridge that they have to cross. Yeah,
9:19
Speaker 1: the Tabor Bridge. The Tabor Bridge or Tabor Bridge, I
9:21
Speaker 1: don't know. I'll go with that. I support that.
9:24
Speaker 2: Listeners don't don't bother writing us in with your particular
9:27
Speaker 2: pronunciations of it unless you really feel strongly about it.
9:29
Speaker 2: We might, I don't know, it'll still annoy us. It's fine.
9:32
Speaker 3: We love you though, We love all of you, each
9:34
Speaker 3: and every one of you. Casey's a pronunciation corner, real quick. Yeah, sure,
9:37
Speaker 3: just so I get it out there. The pronunciation would
9:40
Speaker 3: be mirah more than marat, Okay. But because you always
9:44
Speaker 3: run into these situations where everybody says it a certain
9:47
Speaker 3: way in English, so you kind of get used to
9:49
Speaker 3: saying it that way totally, and it's kind of obnoxious
9:51
Speaker 3: in a way if you say Murrah in an otherwise
9:54
Speaker 3: English language sense.
9:55
Speaker 2: Oh, that's right, that's right. But we also were kind
9:57
Speaker 2: of putting on some slightly affective French accents. Is it is?
10:00
Speaker 1: Okay? So it's is it at the level of pretension
10:04
Speaker 1: that going into Taco bell and ordering that kiss adia
10:07
Speaker 1: will be surely not surely?
10:09
Speaker 2: Is not that bad? Okay? While we still have you, Casey,
10:12
Speaker 2: what about the bridge? Is it in France or it
10:15
Speaker 2: was in Vienna?
10:16
Speaker 1: Yeah?
10:16
Speaker 2: Yeah, so who knows?
10:17
Speaker 1: I don't know, Casey on the case adjourned, Yeah, Casey's
10:23
Speaker 1: jurisdiction is only in French French regions. Yeah so, but still,
10:29
Speaker 1: thank you for showing up, and thank you for doing
10:31
Speaker 1: the right thing and recusing yourself. You know, that's very honest.
10:34
Speaker 2: As the resident little German boy of the podcast, I
10:38
Speaker 2: would like to throw my dice behind Tabor Tabor. Okay.
10:42
Speaker 1: So these guys Lan and Mara see this bridge, and
10:46
Speaker 1: they know that the Austrians, their forces, being imminently experienced
10:51
Speaker 1: and very well aware of the importance of the bridge,
10:56
Speaker 1: they know that these enemy forces may destroy the bridge
10:59
Speaker 1: and tie unless they do something. And they can't do
11:03
Speaker 1: the usual Napoleonic tactic of running up there in mass
11:06
Speaker 1: because the bridge will just get destroyed that much more quickly.
11:10
Speaker 1: So instead, these two guys, and this is great, these
11:14
Speaker 1: two guys decide to run a con job. They don't
11:18
Speaker 1: run up with the forces, you know, banners and guns blazing,
11:21
Speaker 1: somebody drumming behind them and all that jazz. Instead, they
11:25
Speaker 1: walk up to the bridge casually, a little bit of
11:29
Speaker 1: a a little bit of a stroll, and they're waving
11:34
Speaker 1: a white flag, right, and they've just got a small
11:36
Speaker 1: group of a small group of.
11:38
Speaker 2: People with them, a little envoy, right, and let's lest
11:41
Speaker 2: we forget that the the the Austrians had the bridge
11:45
Speaker 2: rigged to blow already, right, They were like fuses like
11:48
Speaker 2: at the ready, so they could like, you know, send
11:51
Speaker 2: this thing into the into the ribs upon first side
11:53
Speaker 2: or on first sight, because they knew and they were
11:55
Speaker 2: instructed by their their commander, who's a guy named Karl,
12:00
Speaker 2: to defend their territory at all costs and not let
12:05
Speaker 2: the French cross the bridge. So they were prepared for
12:07
Speaker 2: this scenario. But there was this nice little subterfuse going
12:12
Speaker 2: on here. They just kind of sauntered across the bridge,
12:15
Speaker 2: like you said, waving this white flag of retreat of truce, right, yeah.
12:19
Speaker 1: Of truce, And this is commonly understood to mean that
12:23
Speaker 1: there will be some sort of parlays, some sort of
12:25
Speaker 1: conversation rather than a conflict, and they meet. You know,
12:30
Speaker 1: the Austrians at this point are dumbfounded. They're thinking what's happening.
12:34
Speaker 1: They already have their adrenaline pumping, they're ready to fight.
12:37
Speaker 1: And then these two French marshals they say, oh guys,
12:42
Speaker 1: funny story, quick update, and armistice is about to be signed.
12:48
Speaker 1: I mean you we'll enter into a time of peace
12:52
Speaker 1: and due to the negotiations, this bridge actually belongs to
12:57
Speaker 1: French forces and we're on the way to make it
13:00
Speaker 1: official with your boss, Carl.
13:03
Speaker 2: I do just want to say too that it's also
13:05
Speaker 2: possible that the Austrians were just taken aback by the
13:07
Speaker 2: sheer sex appeal of these two French generals, the flowing locks.
13:12
Speaker 2: They're sauntering down these bridges. And by the way, the
13:14
Speaker 2: Tabor Bridge, it was not just one bridge, it was
13:16
Speaker 2: a series of bridges. There were three bridges and the
13:19
Speaker 2: first two were set to burn because they were on
13:22
Speaker 2: they were would I imagine, and then the third one
13:24
Speaker 2: was actually rigged with munitions, the third one being the
13:26
Speaker 2: one closest to to short to land. So oh, I
13:34
Speaker 2: love this. The guy named Ausberg by the way, Oursburg,
13:36
Speaker 2: I believe, was how you would pronounce it. This is
13:38
Speaker 2: his His title was Field Marshal lieutenant.
13:42
Speaker 1: Yes, all one, where all one? Where?
13:44
Speaker 2: I love these long German compound words. They're great.
13:47
Speaker 1: And he was also not around when this happened. So
13:53
Speaker 1: the Austrians in charge, and as you said, no it's
13:55
Speaker 1: a series of bridges. They were going for the main
13:59
Speaker 1: bridge that crosses the Daniel most directly. Carl is not
14:03
Speaker 1: around at all, and while the marshals are sort of
14:08
Speaker 1: vamping and convincing these folks that hey, we don't have
14:11
Speaker 1: to fight, and armistice is pretty much official at this time.
14:14
Speaker 1: Let's let's all chill a little bit while they're While
14:18
Speaker 1: they're doing all this smoke and mirrors, their actual French
14:21
Speaker 1: troops are sneaking slowly toward the bridge as Long and
14:27
Speaker 1: Morau are walking across the bridge with the Austrians.
14:31
Speaker 2: Yeah, because these guys are kind of a little bit dumbfounded.
14:34
Speaker 2: They were sort of taken aback by this. They're trying
14:36
Speaker 2: to confirm these reports. It's not like they have any
14:39
Speaker 2: kind of mobile communications technology, right, they're obviously running couriers
14:44
Speaker 2: or sending a runner they had, Yeah, of course, so
14:46
Speaker 2: they had to hop to and find out if this
14:49
Speaker 2: was true. And that's why it was such a tactical
14:52
Speaker 2: feat of genius, because they literally just kind of confused
14:57
Speaker 2: them to the point where they weren't paying attention and
15:00
Speaker 2: they were able to get their guys pretty casually across
15:03
Speaker 2: the bridge. It's got this kind of Ocean's eleven vibe,
15:06
Speaker 2: very much like a bridge heist. Yeah, in terms of
15:08
Speaker 2: the con. So things do get sticky, they don't completely
15:12
Speaker 2: go according to plan because as they're waiting, as the
15:16
Speaker 2: marshals are waiting for the French troops to get close
15:19
Speaker 2: enough to the bridge to make a difference in a
15:21
Speaker 2: fight or save it from being destroyed, one Austrian sergeant
15:26
Speaker 2: decides that he does not buy this tail smart man, Yeah,
15:30
Speaker 2: that this is all kakammy. That if it's too good
15:32
Speaker 2: to be true, that usually means it is. It's a
15:34
Speaker 2: real cock and bull story.
15:36
Speaker 1: And so this guy surreptitiously begins to or starts to
15:43
Speaker 1: light a fuse or tries to. He's got matches in
15:47
Speaker 1: his hand. He's about to just blow the bridge up.
15:49
Speaker 2: Yeah, and doesn't our boy Murat just just daintily snatch
15:53
Speaker 2: it from him? It was lawn excuse me, yeah, Genon.
15:57
Speaker 1: Yeah, Jan loon So Jean lol snatches the match from
16:01
Speaker 1: this guy's hand, and he says, you know what, pal,
16:04
Speaker 1: a truce has been signed, and that means that you're
16:08
Speaker 1: destroying public property because we're not in an act of
16:11
Speaker 1: war and if you try that one more time, I
16:15
Speaker 1: will have you arrested off to prison with you.
16:18
Speaker 2: So we've talked about these munitions that were rigged to
16:22
Speaker 2: blow up the bridge, Diehard style. But they had some
16:25
Speaker 2: other stuff guarding their side of the bridge. These Austrians,
16:28
Speaker 2: didn't they been They had some heavy weapons.
16:31
Speaker 1: Yeah, they had an artillery force with cannon and the
16:35
Speaker 1: cannons were preparing to fire on the grenadiers who were
16:40
Speaker 1: standing behind the marshals.
16:43
Speaker 2: Now, by the way, I just want to clarify this
16:46
Speaker 2: with you, Ben, were grenadier's wielders of grenades or is
16:49
Speaker 2: this just another name that was pre the invention of
16:51
Speaker 2: the grenade, because that seems like a little bit more
16:53
Speaker 2: of a modern device to me.
16:55
Speaker 1: They were specialized soldiers that were first stablished I guess
17:00
Speaker 1: in the mid to late seventeenth century sixteen hundreds for
17:05
Speaker 1: throwing grenades. That's what they did. They were usually going
17:08
Speaker 1: to be the strongest and largest soldiers because they could
17:11
Speaker 1: throw the farthest.
17:12
Speaker 2: That's right. So the grenades more or less as we
17:14
Speaker 2: know them today, were definitely used during the Napoleonic conflicts
17:18
Speaker 2: during his era, at least the basic principle. The basic principle,
17:21
Speaker 2: so maybe maybe more along the line, maybe a little
17:23
Speaker 2: bit less, I don't know. There's not a whole lot
17:25
Speaker 2: of moving parts in the grenade. It's sort of just
17:27
Speaker 2: like a metal piece of dynamite with a fuse more
17:31
Speaker 2: or less right, Yeah, pull, throw, yeah, release the whatever,
17:35
Speaker 2: the latch, the crack and yeah the krack and please.
17:37
Speaker 2: So these there's a there's a really amazing account where
17:41
Speaker 2: who is it? Is it Morat or or Lan who
17:43
Speaker 2: distracts one of the cannon operators by straddling the cannon.
17:48
Speaker 2: I'm picturing it in a slightly come hither way. I
17:51
Speaker 2: don't know why, as if he like laid on it
17:54
Speaker 2: as though or a grand piano, you know, and like
17:57
Speaker 2: I don't know.
17:57
Speaker 1: Yeah, So the grennadiers are on the other side of
18:00
Speaker 1: the bridge still or they haven't walked all the way
18:02
Speaker 1: across it at least, and Jean Land sees the artillery
18:07
Speaker 1: about to fire on the French forces, and so as
18:10
Speaker 1: you said, he hops on the cannon and just lights
18:14
Speaker 1: a pipe and smoking.
18:16
Speaker 2: See again, picture him just kind of like straddling the cannon,
18:19
Speaker 2: crossing his legs, pulling out his pipe and just never
18:22
Speaker 2: like breaking the man's gaze, lighting his pipe and just
18:24
Speaker 2: being like what.
18:25
Speaker 1: Doing a basic instinct doing a bit of a.
18:27
Speaker 2: Bass against ice. Yes, yes, I am picturing that, and
18:31
Speaker 2: I'm sticking to it. That's that's what my imagination says,
18:34
Speaker 2: and that's what I'm saying out loud.
18:36
Speaker 1: And so here's where murc comes into play. This really
18:38
Speaker 1: is a two person con. So there are several sergeants there,
18:43
Speaker 1: and the sergeants are you going to be battle tested
18:48
Speaker 1: and they typically are going to be a little bit
18:50
Speaker 1: better at seeing through a ruse or discerning a tactic.
18:55
Speaker 1: And one of the sergeants continues saying, look, this is
18:59
Speaker 1: a trick. Do not trust these evil French forces. These
19:05
Speaker 1: guys are clearly doing a snow job on us. And
19:09
Speaker 1: then mart says to the Austrian officers, you guys gonna
19:13
Speaker 1: let an enlisted man talk to you that way. I
19:16
Speaker 1: don't know how it works in the Austrian Army, but
19:19
Speaker 1: we don't tolerate that as French officers. So I don't
19:23
Speaker 1: know what kind of circus you all are running here.
19:26
Speaker 2: These dudes powers of persuasion and distraction are second to none,
19:31
Speaker 2: my friend, second to none. This is this is fabulous stuff.
19:35
Speaker 1: And the Austrian officers are like, murt goes on. We
19:40
Speaker 1: don't know exactly what he says, but he goes on
19:42
Speaker 1: for a little while, and he's dressing down the officers
19:45
Speaker 1: because he's like horrified and offended on their behalf. And
19:49
Speaker 1: so eventually the officers are so I guess as shamed
19:53
Speaker 1: and humiliated or like.
19:54
Speaker 2: In a tizzy or something.
19:56
Speaker 1: Yeah, because you know, officers see each other as equals, right,
19:59
Speaker 1: so they're essentially screwing up by allowing this insolence to occur.
20:05
Speaker 1: And so they order that sergeant arrested and imprisoned. And
20:10
Speaker 1: can you imagine being that poor Austrian sergeant. You know
20:13
Speaker 1: you're correct, you know it's a trick, and now you're
20:16
Speaker 1: going to jail.
20:17
Speaker 2: This whole thing plays out like one of those episodes
20:20
Speaker 2: of Bugs Bunny where he convinces someone like he's a
20:24
Speaker 2: girl rabbit or whatever just to like get his way,
20:26
Speaker 2: or he poses in some disguise and is able to
20:30
Speaker 2: gaslight some poor hapless sap like Elmer Fudd into like
20:33
Speaker 2: doing just the thing he needs him to do to
20:36
Speaker 2: have him win the day. Does is not strike you
20:38
Speaker 2: as that, like it's just these Austrians and it's gonna
20:41
Speaker 2: come around to haunt them acted and just utter incompetent
20:45
Speaker 2: ways that just defy any kind of logic. So all
20:48
Speaker 2: I can do is I can only assume that these
20:50
Speaker 2: guys were not complete and utter idiots. You know, the
20:52
Speaker 2: Austrian Army had a good reputation for having their stuff together,
20:56
Speaker 2: but they were no match for the wits of these
20:59
Speaker 2: two frenchmen.
21:00
Speaker 1: Right exactly. And so at this point they're still trying
21:06
Speaker 1: to convince all the Austrians, and armistice has been reached.
21:09
Speaker 1: It it just happened so recently that you guys haven't
21:13
Speaker 1: heard of it again, implying something might not be great
21:16
Speaker 1: with your army. And at this point another Austrian officer
21:21
Speaker 1: arrives and they do the whole dog and pony show again.
21:24
Speaker 1: And armistice has been signed. This bridge belongs to France.
21:27
Speaker 1: It's public property. We're not at war. What's the big hubbub?
21:31
Speaker 2: Yeah, and if you blow this bridge up then you're
21:33
Speaker 2: liable for destruction of public property.
21:35
Speaker 1: Yeah, adults, you're essentially it's terrorist.
21:38
Speaker 2: This is gas lighting one on one, dude, I know
21:39
Speaker 2: it's not even one on one. This is advanced level again, this.
21:41
Speaker 1: Is this is high intermediate at the very least.
21:44
Speaker 2: Yeah, it's it's it's a it's a it's a real
21:46
Speaker 2: a real ship show here, bet.
21:47
Speaker 1: Yeah, And gas lighting is just for anyone who is
21:50
Speaker 1: fortunate enough not to have known that phrase beforehand. Gas
21:53
Speaker 1: Lighting is when you deceive or manipulate someone by making
21:57
Speaker 1: them think that they are craziness, right. So what does
22:06
Speaker 1: this officer do, this new on the scene officer when
22:09
Speaker 1: he learns the news, Well.
22:11
Speaker 2: I mean, at this point, they really need an adult
22:14
Speaker 2: in the room, you know, they really need to consult
22:17
Speaker 2: with the grown up. So he runs to get Ousberg,
22:20
Speaker 2: the field marshal lieutenant who was in command but seemingly
22:25
Speaker 2: a bit of an absentee commander. So they really needed
22:29
Speaker 2: to consult with this guy because they were just running
22:30
Speaker 2: around like chickens with their heads cut off at this point.
22:33
Speaker 1: And the French forces, now they're still approaching Austrians have
22:38
Speaker 1: no idea what to do because it's a cost benefit thing.
22:42
Speaker 1: If it really if there really is an armistice, then
22:45
Speaker 1: they are in deep, deep fudge if they shoot at
22:51
Speaker 1: these French forces.
22:52
Speaker 2: It's like a who's on third kind of like situation.
22:55
Speaker 2: I mean, it really is.
22:56
Speaker 1: It's yeah, And the French soldiers have been told by
23:00
Speaker 1: the marshals, like right before they went off on this
23:03
Speaker 1: crazy con job. They've been told guys just walk forward
23:07
Speaker 1: like nothing's wrong, just like walk forward like you're not
23:10
Speaker 1: in a war.
23:11
Speaker 2: I just think it's so incredible that like all the
23:13
Speaker 2: information they're getting is coming from the enemy. Yeah, all
23:17
Speaker 2: of it, and they're acting on it as though it's like,
23:20
Speaker 2: you know, to be believed. And the on the one guy,
23:23
Speaker 2: the one guy who said, hey, maybe we should slow
23:27
Speaker 2: o roll a little bit and like, you know, take
23:29
Speaker 2: a couple steps back and think on this, he gets
23:32
Speaker 2: arrested and like put in the stocks or whatever by
23:34
Speaker 2: his own people. Yeah, this is some some bugs bunny
23:38
Speaker 2: malevolence right here, my friend.
23:39
Speaker 1: And I'm picturing this Benny Hill soundtrack playing softly under
23:45
Speaker 1: a lot of this.
23:45
Speaker 2: Sure, I'm just picturing these these Austrias just running around
23:49
Speaker 2: like juggling stuff and just like tripping over each other
23:51
Speaker 2: and just like prap falling for days all on this bridge.
23:55
Speaker 1: Yes, and we have to mention too this this stuff.
23:58
Speaker 1: Once it begins happening, once these two guys walk up
24:01
Speaker 1: with their forces, it happens a pretty quick succession.
24:03
Speaker 2: I think this could have been this could be like
24:05
Speaker 2: a sitcom episode, like like one one episode. Yeah, I
24:09
Speaker 2: think that's about how long it could have in real time,
24:11
Speaker 2: play out as like a twenty five minute television second.
24:14
Speaker 1: Why don't we just do a season of various hilarious
24:17
Speaker 1: things from the Napoleonic Wars, get Larry David to ride it,
24:21
Speaker 1: and then put it on HBO.
24:23
Speaker 2: Can't you picture the part where Napoleon and his dudes
24:25
Speaker 2: are getting sworn by the bunnies and it's just done,
24:26
Speaker 2: don't don't.
24:31
Speaker 1: Exactly. I think that's perfect, Especially Benny Hill and Larry
24:35
Speaker 1: David work on and Seinfeld works for this too. Because
24:40
Speaker 1: as the forces from France march onto the bridge, they
24:44
Speaker 1: actually get on the bridge, they're being super chill about it.
24:48
Speaker 1: Everybody's being cool. They're just strolling up there, sauntering maybe
24:52
Speaker 1: a sachet or so for anyone who was a suppressed actor.
24:57
Speaker 1: And as they're walking up, the Austrians are are panicking
25:01
Speaker 1: and they're realizing we're not at war. Hip hip hooray,
25:05
Speaker 1: kalu kalay, what a wonder stay and so on, and
25:07
Speaker 1: they start physically throwing all the explosives that they had
25:12
Speaker 1: prepared for blowing up the bridge into the Danube.
25:16
Speaker 2: They just threw them away.
25:17
Speaker 1: Get him out of the way. The French are coming.
25:19
Speaker 1: We're friends now, Yeah, yeah, really really ill advised. So
25:24
Speaker 1: Carl shows up, I love calling him by his first day. Yeah, Carl, Carl, Carl,
25:30
Speaker 1: get over here. There's we're we have an armistice. So
25:33
Speaker 1: Carl shows up and he sees the French marshaled and
25:39
Speaker 1: all their forces on the bridge. He sees his own
25:41
Speaker 1: men throwing away all the explosives, and Carl looks around
25:45
Speaker 1: and he goes, huh, well, it must be true. They've
25:49
Speaker 1: got so far with this. You know, it's clearly this,
25:53
Speaker 1: I mean, this is good news for us, right.
25:55
Speaker 2: Really you think he thought that, You think he wasn't
25:56
Speaker 2: just immediately outraged?
25:58
Speaker 1: He No, he thought it was true, and so he
26:00
Speaker 1: handed the bridge over to the marshals. Not a shot
26:04
Speaker 1: was fired, and the entire thing.
26:05
Speaker 2: Oh god.
26:06
Speaker 1: But then immediately after handing over the bridge, they became
26:10
Speaker 1: prisoners of war. The French took them prisoner.
26:13
Speaker 2: And they're like, wait, what wait what what casey?
26:18
Speaker 1: Can you cueue up that that curbed music again?
26:28
Speaker 2: Yeah? Yeah, like that.
26:30
Speaker 1: So what happened afterwards? Noel? What I mean? Because Napoleon's
26:33
Speaker 1: not on the scene at all.
26:34
Speaker 2: He's not on the scene. But yeah, Napoleon had nothing
26:37
Speaker 2: but praise to heap on his brother in law, old
26:40
Speaker 2: Toauquem Napoleon Marat, and he had a really cool nickname
26:44
Speaker 2: for him, by the way, which was the first Horseman
26:45
Speaker 2: of Europe, and his compatriot Jean Lan. And he basically
26:51
Speaker 2: said that they had achieved a feat of strategy and
26:55
Speaker 2: that he was very proud of them, and they were
26:56
Speaker 2: good little boys, and he gave them a pat on
26:58
Speaker 2: the head, and you know, probably some kind of military commendation.
27:01
Speaker 2: Who's to say the Austrian side did not fare quite
27:06
Speaker 2: so well in terms of the praise that was heaped
27:08
Speaker 2: upon them, because there was none.
27:10
Speaker 1: Right, right, there was not any. It's a great story,
27:13
Speaker 1: but yeah, you can only imagine the ignomy of that.
27:18
Speaker 1: And Carl himself is later court martialed, convicted of negligence,
27:24
Speaker 1: rightly so cashiered and stripped of all his honors. Later
27:29
Speaker 1: he is pardoned and actually reinstated. So this hilarious mistake
27:33
Speaker 1: did not follow him for all.
27:35
Speaker 2: Of his days. I don't know, man, I feel like
27:37
Speaker 2: it probably did. That's a pretty embarrassing thing to have
27:40
Speaker 2: been in charge of.
27:42
Speaker 1: Yeah, hopefully he learned better. Critical thinking skills.
27:46
Speaker 2: Yeah, well he wasn't even there, right, Like, all this
27:48
Speaker 2: happened later. He came later, and he he would have
27:51
Speaker 2: thought that he could have put it together. But I
27:53
Speaker 2: cannot believe that these French guys outsmarted their enemies at
27:57
Speaker 2: literally every possible turn. This story, yeah and smooth. I
28:02
Speaker 2: can't get over the one guy that was like, wait,
28:04
Speaker 2: but but but it's like the kid in the horror
28:07
Speaker 2: movie that knows there's a monster but no one will
28:09
Speaker 2: believe him, you know.
28:10
Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, or the one person gets called crazy in
28:14
Speaker 1: the first third of a horror movie. Yeah, it's it's insane.
28:17
Speaker 1: I can't get over just the sheer, amazing confidence. And
28:24
Speaker 1: as someone who does comedy outside of the studio here,
28:28
Speaker 1: I'm very impressed with their improvisational skills. They were just yes,
28:32
Speaker 1: anding their way to victory.
28:34
Speaker 2: Yeah, that's a good way of putting it. We should
28:36
Speaker 2: have put that as the subtitle of the episode.
28:38
Speaker 1: Hey, that's not a bad idea, nol. Yeah, let's do that.
28:41
Speaker 1: And this concludes our most recent installment of hilarious stories
28:47
Speaker 1: from the Napoleonic Wars.
28:49
Speaker 2: There's a lot of them, man, I'm excited to get
28:51
Speaker 2: into some more surely, surely we have not exhausted them yet.
28:54
Speaker 1: Yeah.
28:55
Speaker 2: True.
28:55
Speaker 1: Let us know what other strange and funny war stories
28:59
Speaker 1: you have found, especially if they involve Napoleonic shnanigans. In
29:04
Speaker 1: the meantime, we do hope you enjoyed this episode. As always,
29:08
Speaker 1: we want to give a big thanks to Casey Pegram
29:11
Speaker 1: for once again saving.
29:12
Speaker 2: The show and our immortal soul.
29:16
Speaker 1: And Nole's mortal soul.
29:17
Speaker 2: I'm sorry, shouldn't have spoke. I shouldn't have blund you.
29:20
Speaker 1: Well, I got this ongoing negotiation.
29:22
Speaker 2: That's fair.
29:24
Speaker 1: We also want to thank our recurring guests and research
29:28
Speaker 1: associate Christopher Hasiotis.
29:29
Speaker 2: Yeah. Man, he pitched at us earlier about making that
29:32
Speaker 2: thing a regular occurrence, and I want to bring it
29:34
Speaker 2: up to you right now. I think it's a golden idea. Yeah.
29:38
Speaker 1: I already wrote back to him cool and said this
29:40
Speaker 1: said much the same.
29:41
Speaker 2: Yeah. Good good. So we're in agreement.
29:43
Speaker 1: Yeah, so we are in agreement, and we hope that
29:47
Speaker 1: you agree. It would be fun to check out our
29:50
Speaker 1: other stuff on Instagram, Facebook and Twitter.
29:52
Speaker 2: Yeah, and I swear ben on all of our shows.
29:54
Speaker 2: We need, you know, we need to follow the lead
29:56
Speaker 2: of our pals. In La who do a much better
29:59
Speaker 2: job at maintaining their own social media accounts. You know,
30:01
Speaker 2: they got the stories, they got the gifts, the boomerangs
30:04
Speaker 2: and stuff. We need to do more of that. I'm
30:06
Speaker 2: going to throw down the gauntlet right now and pledge
30:09
Speaker 2: that we're gonna we're gonna try to start doing that.
30:11
Speaker 2: You know, if we don't follow three, don't hold it
30:12
Speaker 2: against us too harshly. But you know, I want to change.
30:15
Speaker 2: I want to be better.
30:17
Speaker 1: Gotta be the change. Yeah, we have anything else we're
30:19
Speaker 1: supposed to mention.
30:20
Speaker 2: I don't think so, I mean. Thanks to Alix, Thanks
30:23
Speaker 2: to Alex Williams, who composed our theme. Thanks to Eve's
30:25
Speaker 2: Jeff Coat, who did not work on this episode of Believe,
30:28
Speaker 2: but is a font of knowledge. Thanks to you, Benjamin
30:31
Speaker 2: for that dapper checker shirt you're wearing today.
30:34
Speaker 1: Thanks to you, Neljamin, you have a nice shirt as well.
30:36
Speaker 2: I do. You're right, Thank you, ben Casey. Can I
30:38
Speaker 2: see your shirt?
30:39
Speaker 1: Just clean? Casey's killing it too.
30:42
Speaker 2: He really is. And I think we're all going to
30:43
Speaker 2: go and have a drink and a bite of food
30:46
Speaker 2: at our local haunt after we wrap up here, because
30:48
Speaker 2: we are, in fact real friends. This isn't just a show.
30:50
Speaker 1: Yeah, we do hang out in an inordinate amount of time.
30:53
Speaker 1: We probably spend more time with each other than we
30:55
Speaker 1: do with our girlfriends.
30:57
Speaker 3: Yeah.
30:57
Speaker 1: Well you know what I mean.
30:59
Speaker 2: I'm working on it all right.
31:01
Speaker 1: Well, that's it until next time, so stay tuned the end.
31:14
Speaker 2: For more podcasts from iHeartRadio, visit the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts,
31:18
Speaker 2: or wherever you listen to your favorite shows.