Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / All the Lonely Parents, Where Has the Village Gone?

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All the Lonely Parents, Where Has the Village Gone? · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

• 0:00
  Speaker 1: You send out party invitations and get a wall of
• 0:02
  Speaker 1: maybe responses, or you get left on red and leave
• 0:06
  Speaker 1: you wondering if other parents are just too busy, or
• 0:08
  Speaker 1: too anxious, or they just don't want to connect anymore.
• 0:13
  Speaker 1: The reality is we've accidentally, I'm going to say accidentally,
• 0:17
  Speaker 1: I'll give people the benefit of doubt. We've accidentally engineered
• 0:19
  Speaker 1: genuine community out of our lives and replaced face to
• 0:22
  Speaker 1: face relationships with digital convenience. And I think we've turned
• 0:26
  Speaker 1: parenting into a solo performance instead of a shared journey.
• 0:28
  Speaker 1: Today on the Happy Families Podcast, we're breaking down why
• 0:31
  Speaker 1: modern parents have become commitment phobic when it comes to socializing,
• 0:35
  Speaker 1: and these surprisingly simple strategies that we can use to
• 0:39
  Speaker 1: rebuild the village that our kids so desperately need. Stay
• 0:43
  Speaker 1: with us, Welcome to the Happy Families Podcast, Real Parenting
• 0:53
  Speaker 1: Solutions Every day on Australia's most downloaded parenting podcast, we
• 0:57
  Speaker 1: are Justin and Kylie Coulson, and every Tuesday on the pod,
• 1:00
  Speaker 1: we answer your tricky questions about family and relationships and
• 1:05
  Speaker 1: bringing up the kids, getting discipline right, all that kind
• 1:07
  Speaker 1: of stuff. If you would like to submit a tricky question,
• 1:10
  Speaker 1: we've got a super simple system at Happyfamilies dot com
• 1:12
  Speaker 1: dot You just scroll on the podcasts, click the record button,
• 1:16
  Speaker 1: and start talking. Just like Adele from Adelaide.
• 1:20
  Speaker 2: We are often reminded that a sense of community is
• 1:23
  Speaker 2: important for our children. We hosted a birthday party for
• 1:27
  Speaker 2: our teenage daughter. We invited a number of parents to join,
• 1:31
  Speaker 2: and I found that parents were noncommittal in their responses
• 1:35
  Speaker 2: and the majority did not come. Is this a post
• 1:38
  Speaker 2: COVID effect? Why do parents not want to socialize with
• 1:42
  Speaker 2: other parents? Thank you?
• 1:44
  Speaker 1: This is such a good question and such It's like
• 1:48
  Speaker 1: the bugbear of mine because we love people, right. Sometimes
• 1:52
  Speaker 1: people are pretty annoying, but we love people. And when
• 1:54
  Speaker 1: you make all this effort, no one shows up, It's like,
• 1:57
  Speaker 1: what do I keep on trying? Maybe I should just
• 1:59
  Speaker 1: stare at my Instagram or something like. It's really hard,
• 2:02
  Speaker 1: isn't it.
• 2:03
  Speaker 3: I think that too many of us have fallen into
• 2:05
  Speaker 3: the trap and myth of thinking that we can do everything.
• 2:12
  Speaker 3: Once upon a time, we used to come together as
• 2:15
  Speaker 3: a village, right, a community that helped each other out.
• 2:19
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 2:19
  Speaker 1: This is concept called alloparenting al aloparenting, which is basically
• 2:24
  Speaker 1: another way I know that in your family as you
• 2:27
  Speaker 1: were being raised, everyone was like another mum, another auntie.
• 2:30
  Speaker 1: Everyone was It's almost like there's all these people who
• 2:32
  Speaker 1: were there for you because quite often your mum couldn't be,
• 2:36
  Speaker 1: and so you had all these other people who were
• 2:38
  Speaker 1: happy to step in and be that surrogate mum figure.
• 2:43
  Speaker 3: And they didn't need to be asked. People just came
• 2:47
  Speaker 3: to each other's aid.
• 2:49
  Speaker 1: Yeah, so the breakdown of so many of our societal
• 2:52
  Speaker 1: structures is certainly contributing, and so is the digital world.
• 2:56
  Speaker 3: I don't think this is a response to COVID.
• 2:59
  Speaker 1: I was literally going to go there, Adele. I don't
• 3:01
  Speaker 1: think that this is a post COVID thing. It might
• 3:02
  Speaker 1: be a convenient excuse, and I think that it's possible
• 3:05
  Speaker 1: that we could argue that COVID in some ways accelerated
• 3:08
  Speaker 1: or amplified. Yeah, what was a growing trend, But this
• 3:11
  Speaker 1: was happening before COVID, and it's certainly kicked on since then.
• 3:15
  Speaker 1: I reckon that there are three key reasons that so
• 3:19
  Speaker 1: many parents are so non committal. Now let's address those.
• 3:24
  Speaker 1: We'll give you some solutions for what you can do
• 3:26
  Speaker 1: to address the non commitment. Noncommittalness, the lack of commitment
• 3:31
  Speaker 1: that too many people are showing.
• 3:33
  Speaker 3: Up with what's the first one.
• 3:34
  Speaker 1: There's just been a total collapse of what I would
• 3:36
  Speaker 1: call enforced proximity. And forced proximity sounds kind of rough,
• 3:40
  Speaker 1: It sounds a little bit harsh, but pre digital, you
• 3:43
  Speaker 1: had no choice but to interact with people at school, pickup,
• 3:46
  Speaker 1: at the barbecue, at the shops, at the bus stop,
• 3:48
  Speaker 1: at church, in the neighborhood. You just interacted with people,
• 3:51
  Speaker 1: full stop, end of story. You had no say in it.
• 3:55
  Speaker 1: Now we've gone fully convenience over connection and there's no
• 4:01
  Speaker 1: friction with face to face communications. We've literally engineered serendipitous
• 4:07
  Speaker 1: social encounters out of our lives. We don't accidentally connect.
• 4:12
  Speaker 1: Even when you walk into the school, you barely even
• 4:15
  Speaker 1: say hello over the receptionist. Now you walk over the
• 4:17
  Speaker 1: iPad and sign in. Like I said, we've literally engineered
• 4:24
  Speaker 1: those serendipitous moments out of our lives. We are ultrasocial.
• 4:29
  Speaker 1: We're meant to walk down the street see another human
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  Speaker 1: and our eyes are supposed to light up, and we're
• 4:33
  Speaker 1: supposed to nod our head and say hi, good morning,
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  Speaker 1: like that's what we're engineered to do. And we don't
• 4:39
  Speaker 1: do it anymore. Our cities have become really big, we're
• 4:41
  Speaker 1: really over stimulated. We've got so much on our mind,
• 4:43
  Speaker 1: we've got our podcast going in our ears, and we
• 4:46
  Speaker 1: miss the opportunities to press the flesh.
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  Speaker 3: What I find so interesting about this is that we're
• 4:53
  Speaker 3: literally going through life with what I would probably call
• 4:58
  Speaker 3: a loneliness pen. People are more lonely than they've ever
• 5:02
  Speaker 3: been there, feel more disconnected, and yet we've actually created
• 5:06
  Speaker 3: it ourselves.
• 5:07
  Speaker 1: I've got some data on that. I wasn't planning on
• 5:09
  Speaker 1: bringing it up, but as soon as you've raised it.
• 5:12
  Speaker 1: A couple of weeks ago, the World Health Organization declared
• 5:14
  Speaker 1: loneliness a public health threat on the same scale, if
• 5:19
  Speaker 1: not greater, than the issue of smoking or obesity. One
• 5:24
  Speaker 1: in six people on the planet now feels profoundly alone.
• 5:28
  Speaker 1: And check this out for a stat The World Health
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  Speaker 1: Organization estimates that it is responsible loneliness, that is, is
• 5:34
  Speaker 1: responsible for more than one hundred deaths every hour around
• 5:39
  Speaker 1: the globe. Wow, we're talking about nearly a million deaths
• 5:42
  Speaker 1: a year because of loneliness. And really the downstream effect
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  Speaker 1: of what I'm describing here, as we've engineered these social encounters,
• 5:49
  Speaker 1: these accidental, serendipitous, delightful moments where we talk to a
• 5:53
  Speaker 1: stranger for fifteen seconds just because it's the polite thing
• 5:56
  Speaker 1: to do. As we've engineered all of those things out
• 5:58
  Speaker 1: of our lives, we've therefore engineered out of our lives
• 6:01
  Speaker 1: the opportunity for that serendipitous encounter to turn into a
• 6:05
  Speaker 1: deeper relationship and ultimately a friendship. And when we failed
• 6:12
  Speaker 1: to make the friendships that we need, we feel lonely.
• 6:15
  Speaker 1: Data is really clear on this. Our young people are
• 6:18
  Speaker 1: the most disconnected people on the planet. So what Adele's
• 6:21
  Speaker 1: trying to do by getting all of these alo parents
• 6:24
  Speaker 1: and neighbors and friends into the yard to have this
• 6:26
  Speaker 1: barbecue and celebrate a teenage girl's birthday, that is what
• 6:29
  Speaker 1: we're supposed to do. That's how we're designed. That's healthy,
• 6:32
  Speaker 1: that's important, that's necessary. But people are pushing back so
• 6:36
  Speaker 1: and part of it is because we've engineered it out
• 6:38
  Speaker 1: of our lives, and therefore anxiety goes up when we
• 6:40
  Speaker 1: might have to do it. So that's my first reason
• 6:42
  Speaker 1: that this is happening.
• 6:44
  Speaker 3: What's number two?
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  Speaker 1: The second one. I'll go through this one pretty quickly.
• 6:46
  Speaker 1: In the third one as well, because we need to
• 6:47
  Speaker 1: get solutions. I think that we've forgotten that community is
• 6:51
  Speaker 1: not about consumption. Community is about contribution and collaboration. Community
• 6:55
  Speaker 1: is about creation. We create community together. We don't walk
• 6:59
  Speaker 1: in and get community.
• 7:02
  Speaker 3: Yeah.
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  Speaker 1: So too many people treat community like an economic marketplace.
• 7:06
  Speaker 3: Yeah. And if I walk in and I don't get
• 7:08
  Speaker 3: anything out of it, then it's not a worthwhile correctivity.
• 7:11
  Speaker 1: Yeah, what's in it for me? And I'm going to
• 7:14
  Speaker 1: sound like my grandpa for a moment, but my granddad
• 7:16
  Speaker 1: used to always say, you get into something what you sorry.
• 7:18
  Speaker 1: You get out of something what you put into it. Yeah,
• 7:20
  Speaker 1: And if you're not willing to put something in, then
• 7:22
  Speaker 1: you're not going to get anything out of it. And
• 7:23
  Speaker 1: then you're going to say, well it's rubbish anyway. But
• 7:25
  Speaker 1: it's like you weren't putting anything into it. We've got
• 7:28
  Speaker 1: to start asking ourselves what we can do to contribute
• 7:31
  Speaker 1: rather than what's in it for me? And number three, Yeah,
• 7:34
  Speaker 1: the third thing that I think is leading to this
• 7:36
  Speaker 1: non commitment on the part of parents is that parents
• 7:40
  Speaker 1: just feel like they're in a chronic state of emotional
• 7:42
  Speaker 1: and cognitive overload, Like we're carrying our stress. We're carrying
• 7:48
  Speaker 1: our stress about our kids, and we're carrying and absorbing
• 7:52
  Speaker 1: our kids' stress, and we're feeling depleted. And you know
• 7:55
  Speaker 1: what I think is even bigger than all of this.
• 7:57
  Speaker 1: I know we're dealing with cost of living issues and
• 8:00
  Speaker 1: organs and rents and the fact that apples are like
• 8:03
  Speaker 1: six dollars a kilo or whatever it is. But I
• 8:05
  Speaker 1: think that the biggest source of our chronic state of
• 8:08
  Speaker 1: emotional and cognitive overload is that we don't put our
• 8:10
  Speaker 1: stupid phones away, and we are so overstimulated. There is
• 8:15
  Speaker 1: so much noise in our lives. I'm not just talking
• 8:17
  Speaker 1: about the noise that you hear with your ears. I'm
• 8:19
  Speaker 1: talking about the noise that makes your brain never switch off.
• 8:24
  Speaker 1: There's so much of that going on that when somebody says,
• 8:26
  Speaker 1: would you like to come over for a barbecue on
• 8:27
  Speaker 1: Saturday afternoon, we go, oh, I couldn't possibly just can't
• 8:30
  Speaker 1: deal with that. I'm so overstimulated. I can't think clearly
• 8:32
  Speaker 1: enough to even work out if I want to pull
• 8:34
  Speaker 1: out my diary and see if I've got anything on
• 8:35
  Speaker 1: that day or not.
• 8:36
  Speaker 3: I remember when the kids were younger, phones weren't as
• 8:39
  Speaker 3: big a challenge as they are now, and the overload
• 8:44
  Speaker 3: that I felt at that point in my life made
• 8:49
  Speaker 3: me feel like any social interaction was a waste of
• 8:53
  Speaker 3: my time because there was so many other mundane household tasks,
• 8:59
  Speaker 3: parenting related tasks that required my time and effort and
• 9:03
  Speaker 3: energy that I couldn't possibly spend time with other parents.
• 9:08
  Speaker 3: That was before phones became an issue, and now we've
• 9:11
  Speaker 3: got the added noise of all of that on.
• 9:13
  Speaker 1: Top of it, and all the social platforms and so on. Yeah,
• 9:16
  Speaker 1: it's massive. So after the break, we need to talk
• 9:18
  Speaker 1: about three I actually I've got four solutions, but we'll
• 9:20
  Speaker 1: have to do them really fast. Four solutions to help
• 9:22
  Speaker 1: Adele from Adelaide and any other parent who's going wiser
• 9:26
  Speaker 1: on so noncommittal to create a sense of relationship and
• 9:29
  Speaker 1: community for themselves and for their kids. Okay, Kylie, I
• 9:40
  Speaker 1: have four big solutions that can help to create a
• 9:42
  Speaker 1: greater sense of relationship, community, and even commitment in the
• 9:46
  Speaker 1: lives of our children, ourselves, and the people that we
• 9:48
  Speaker 1: associate with. Let's kick it off. I highlighted the first
• 9:52
  Speaker 1: issue that I see as driving these challenges is not COVID,
• 9:56
  Speaker 1: but the collapse of enforced proximity. So I'm just going
• 9:59
  Speaker 1: to say it simple. We need to have more proximity.
• 10:02
  Speaker 1: We need to actually force proximity again. And what I
• 10:05
  Speaker 1: mean by that is we want to have low stakes,
• 10:07
  Speaker 1: high frequency interactions, low steaks, high frequency, lots and lots
• 10:11
  Speaker 1: of touch points. So don't wait for the big birthday bash,
• 10:13
  Speaker 1: don't wait for anything that could imply some level of pressure.
• 10:17
  Speaker 3: Well, inviting a stranger who've not had any time with
• 10:19
  Speaker 3: over for a dinner party feels like a big commitment.
• 10:25
  Speaker 1: We did something a couple of months ago, somebody that
• 10:27
  Speaker 1: I'd met through cycling. I was like, Hey, you should
• 10:30
  Speaker 1: come over. Let's just have a morning tea. And it
• 10:32
  Speaker 1: was actually a bit awkward. It was a bit weird.
• 10:34
  Speaker 1: They showed up. It was just the four of us
• 10:36
  Speaker 1: sitting in the dining room and having this because you
• 10:38
  Speaker 1: were there, and he brought his wife as well. It
• 10:41
  Speaker 1: was really nice. I'm glad we did it, but it
• 10:43
  Speaker 1: was a bit awkward. It felt like it was three
• 10:45
  Speaker 1: steps too far, like we just dove in headfirst instead
• 10:49
  Speaker 1: of waiting in ankuideep, then knee deep, then waist deep.
• 10:53
  Speaker 1: Just felt a little bit funny. But the lower stakes
• 10:56
  Speaker 1: more frequent touch points mean that we have more social interaction.
• 11:01
  Speaker 1: We make the social interaction habitual. Maybe it's coffee catch ups,
• 11:04
  Speaker 1: maybe it's going for walks, casual gatherings. Do you remember
• 11:08
  Speaker 1: once upon a time people used to pop in, Like
• 11:11
  Speaker 1: we used to say, hey, let's go and catch up
• 11:13
  Speaker 1: with those friends. And we would literally go over to
• 11:15
  Speaker 1: their house and knock on the door and say hey,
• 11:17
  Speaker 1: we were just driving by and thought we'd say hi,
• 11:19
  Speaker 1: like that was normal once upon a time. It's not
• 11:22
  Speaker 1: normal now anxiety inducing. Oh yeah, big time. Absolutely.
• 11:27
  Speaker 3: Number two.
• 11:28
  Speaker 1: Yes, So the second thing that I want to highlight
• 11:30
  Speaker 1: is I mentioned that it's about what we put in
• 11:33
  Speaker 1: rather than what's in it for me. I think that
• 11:35
  Speaker 1: a really nice way to do this would be to
• 11:37
  Speaker 1: set up gatherings so that they're not about the adults,
• 11:41
  Speaker 1: but instead make it all about the kids, not the parents.
• 11:44
  Speaker 1: That way, you get to drop the overwhelming self consciousness
• 11:47
  Speaker 1: and the worry about things. Just have a pizza party,
• 11:50
  Speaker 1: or go down to the park and watch the kids
• 11:53
  Speaker 1: run around and play and have a box of Lamington's
• 11:55
  Speaker 1: or something on the table. Less defensiveness, a whole more
• 11:59
  Speaker 1: focus on the kids just makes life way easier.
• 12:02
  Speaker 3: I'm going to push back on that a little. I
• 12:04
  Speaker 3: actually think that what parents often want is to not
• 12:07
  Speaker 3: have to worry about the kids and an opportunity to
• 12:09
  Speaker 3: do something without the kids, which is what I think
• 12:12
  Speaker 3: she's actually experiencing. Parents are dropping their children off and
• 12:15
  Speaker 3: they're thinking, great, I have two hours to myself. She's
• 12:19
  Speaker 3: talking about a teenage party. But I actually think that
• 12:22
  Speaker 3: that's what the problem is from my experience, and I
• 12:25
  Speaker 3: think that parents are going to be more likely to
• 12:28
  Speaker 3: respond to having an opportunity to catch up with other
• 12:34
  Speaker 3: adults without children. I also think.
• 12:37
  Speaker 1: It depends on the stakes and how will you know
• 12:39
  Speaker 1: those parents?
• 12:39
  Speaker 3: It does, But I also think in this case, I
• 12:42
  Speaker 3: know in our children's friendship circles that plenty of those
• 12:47
  Speaker 3: teenagers will have said please do not come to the party,
• 12:51
  Speaker 3: So you're dealing with that as well, and parents wanting
• 12:54
  Speaker 3: to not embarrass their kids or overstep their boundaries and
• 12:58
  Speaker 3: mark and stuff like that. So I think I think
• 13:00
  Speaker 3: this is actually a little bit complicated.
• 13:01
  Speaker 1: Okay, the third and fourth things, I'm going to make
• 13:03
  Speaker 1: them really quick, really simple. In terms of the other
• 13:06
  Speaker 1: stimulation and the fact that we just don't have enough
• 13:09
  Speaker 1: emotional and cognitive bandwidth. I'm just going to suggest we've
• 13:12
  Speaker 1: got to create it, and the best way to create
• 13:13
  Speaker 1: it is to turn our phones off or have some
• 13:15
  Speaker 1: downtime away from our phones. Set a little twenty minute
• 13:18
  Speaker 1: appointment every day with yourself, put it in the diary
• 13:20
  Speaker 1: so that you can just breathe. We should do a
• 13:22
  Speaker 1: podcast about that. I think it's necessary because everyone says
• 13:24
  Speaker 1: they're so busy, and yet when you look at your
• 13:26
  Speaker 1: screen time, it's like, well, how did I use three
• 13:28
  Speaker 1: hours on my screen today? Like, I don't know how
• 13:31
  Speaker 1: I did that. I think I'm really really busy, but
• 13:33
  Speaker 1: I've got three hours to look at Instagram, look at
• 13:36
  Speaker 1: news dot com, and play candy Crash or whatever it is.
• 13:40
  Speaker 3: Right, So this is curious to me as well. You're
• 13:42
  Speaker 3: talking about this idea of downtime. So parents that aren't
• 13:44
  Speaker 3: showing up to a party are seeing this as downtime, right,
• 13:48
  Speaker 3: But the very thing that they actually need for downtime
• 13:52
  Speaker 3: is connection.
• 13:53
  Speaker 2: Right.
• 13:54
  Speaker 3: We actually need connection, yes, and we push against it
• 13:59
  Speaker 3: because we think that it's going to take from us,
• 14:02
  Speaker 3: but it actually gives us.
• 14:04
  Speaker 1: So the last thing that I want to highlight, which
• 14:06
  Speaker 1: builds on what you've just said, My fourth and final
• 14:08
  Speaker 1: solution for Adele is that success is about facing and
• 14:12
  Speaker 1: enduring rejection again and again and again. And the more
• 14:14
  Speaker 1: you're willing to face rejection and endure rejection, the more
• 14:17
  Speaker 1: likely it is that you'll finally find somebody who is
• 14:19
  Speaker 1: your people. And once you find them, you discover the
• 14:23
  Speaker 1: very real truth. To use it to say a little
• 14:26
  Speaker 1: bit more sucinctly than you, other people matter. Other people matter, Adele.
• 14:30
  Speaker 1: I think the community you're craving already exists. It's just
• 14:33
  Speaker 1: that it's hiding behind the same fears and the overwhelm
• 14:35
  Speaker 1: that you're probably feeling. So remember, start small, show up
• 14:39
  Speaker 1: really authentically.
• 14:40
  Speaker 3: You just start with one parent, Like, don't try and
• 14:43
  Speaker 3: make it bigger than it needs to be. Just start
• 14:45
  Speaker 3: with one person.
• 14:46
  Speaker 1: Yeah, and your kids need you to do it. They'll
• 14:49
  Speaker 1: watch you build connection. You go first and keep on
• 14:52
  Speaker 1: trying because it feels so rewarding when it works. We
• 14:54
  Speaker 1: really hope this is a useful answer, not just for you, Adele,
• 14:57
  Speaker 1: but for every parent who's craving a little bit more
• 14:59
  Speaker 1: connection and trying to get beyond the loneliness and the
• 15:01
  Speaker 1: lack of community that exists for so many people. If
• 15:04
  Speaker 1: you'd like to submit a tricky question. We've got a
• 15:06
  Speaker 1: super simple system at happy families dot com. Do you
• 15:08
  Speaker 1: just scroll down to podcasts on the website, click the
• 15:11
  Speaker 1: record button and start talking. Or you can send us
• 15:13
  Speaker 1: a voice memo to podcasts at happy families dot com
• 15:17
  Speaker 1: dot Au. Another tricky question Next Tuesday tomorrow on the pod.
• 15:22
  Speaker 1: I can't wait to share this conversation that I've just
• 15:24
  Speaker 1: had with one of Australia's leading education consultants, a guy
• 15:28
  Speaker 1: by the name of Adam Voit. Adam runs an organization
• 15:32
  Speaker 1: called Real Schools and we talk about all the big
• 15:34
  Speaker 1: issues that are affecting parents in schools today. It's a
• 15:38
  Speaker 1: don't miss it kind of episode. I'll see you tomorrow
• 15:40
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• 15:43
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• 15:46
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• 15:47
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• 15:50
  Speaker 1: your family happier, you'll find it at happy families dot Com.
• 15:53
  Speaker 2: You