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#542 Holiday Highlight - Alfie Kohn · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

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  Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families podcast. It's the podcast for the
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  Speaker 1: time poor parent who just wants answers. Now, school holidays
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  Speaker 1: they must be just the most fun time. I hope
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  Speaker 1: you're enjoying your school holidays. This doctor Justin Coulson, I'm
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  Speaker 1: the founder of Happy Families dot com dot you and
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  Speaker 1: dad to six kids recently had some great conversations on
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  Speaker 1: the Happy Families podcast. Want to share some highlights from
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  Speaker 1: the podcast with you now. We've had Alfie Kohne on
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  Speaker 1: the podcast three or four times now and we had
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  Speaker 1: a conversation in episode two hundred and forty nine about
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  Speaker 1: his book Punished by Rewards, which is literally the book
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  Speaker 1: that sent me back to university the study of psychology
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  Speaker 1: so I could be a better parent. Punished by Rewards
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  Speaker 1: literally changed my life, changed the game changed everything for me.
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  Speaker 1: So while we were talking about his book, Punished by Rewards,
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  Speaker 1: we talked about those things, those carrots and sticks, and
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  Speaker 1: how they can really only work in the short term.
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  Speaker 2: Instead of using sticks, use parrots instead of control by
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  Speaker 2: making them suffer if they don't do what you want,
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  Speaker 2: give them a doggie biscuit if they do do what
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  Speaker 2: you want. But rewards are just the flip side of punishment.
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  Speaker 2: So if I threaten to punish a kid, I'm saying
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  Speaker 2: do this. Here's what I'm going to do to you.
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  Speaker 2: If I reward children or offer to reward them, I'm saying,
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  Speaker 2: do this and you'll get that. So in the first case,
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  Speaker 2: with punishment, kids come to ask the question what do
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  Speaker 2: they want me to do? And what happens to me
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  Speaker 2: if I don't do it? If you offer a reward
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  Speaker 2: for good behavior, which typically means mindlessly obedient, not generous
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  Speaker 2: or thoughtful, but then the question kids come to ask
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  Speaker 2: is what do they want me to do and what
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  Speaker 2: do I get for doing it? And so the research
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  Speaker 2: is very clear that rewards like punishments, can only get
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  Speaker 2: temporary compliance, and in both cases they retard moral and
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  Speaker 2: social and intellectual development, because we have hundreds of studies
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  Speaker 2: showing that the more you reward people for doing something,
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  Speaker 2: the more they tend to lose interest in whatever they
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  Speaker 2: had to do to get the reward. So, on the
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  Speaker 2: one hand, if you want to destroy children's interest in reading,
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  Speaker 2: for example, you would offer a prize for reading a book,
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  Speaker 2: because now you've taught them that reading is something you
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  Speaker 2: would never want to do and it becomes devalued. They say, well,
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  Speaker 2: you know, if this was so much fun, they wouldn't
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  Speaker 2: have to bribe me to do it. But the other
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  Speaker 2: reason that it devalues, that that kids lose interest in
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  Speaker 2: whatever they're rewarded for doing, is because it's control. If
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  Speaker 2: I punish a kid for doing something, it's obvious I'm
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  Speaker 2: controlling them. But what a lot of parents don't realize
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  Speaker 2: is if they reward kids, and that includes verbal rewards
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  Speaker 2: like good job, I really like THEWAYU dot dot dot,
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  Speaker 2: this is just a verbal doggy biscuit, and all rewards
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  Speaker 2: are just sugar coated control, and kids don't like being controlled.
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  Speaker 1: That's Alfie Cone Kohn Alfie Cone and a discussion about
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  Speaker 1: his book Punished by Rewards. You can hear the whole
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  Speaker 1: episode at episode number two hundred and forty nine at
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  Speaker 1: the Happy Families podcast. Neurodiverse children are beautiful, but they
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  Speaker 1: also bring unique challenges for parents and educators. The world
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  Speaker 1: does not always accommodate them easily or well. Communication, affection, behavior, learning,
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  Speaker 1: and almost every other aspect of life can be challenging
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  Speaker 1: for the child and their families. The webinar A Parent's
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  Speaker 1: Guide to autism by leading autism expert Michelle Garnett can
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  Speaker 1: help parents and educators strengthen the bond with their autistic
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  Speaker 1: children for better outcomes for children and families. A Parent's
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  Speaker 1: Guide to Autism is available at Happy Families dot com
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  Speaker 1: dot au. Well, that just about wraps up the Happy
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  Speaker 1: Families podcast for today, But just before we finish things off,
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  Speaker 1: I need to let you know about the books that
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  Speaker 1: I've written that can make such a difference in your
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  Speaker 1: family's life. There's twenty one Days to a Happier Family,
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  Speaker 1: which is online wherever you buy your books, or in
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  Speaker 1: bookstores as well. Twenty one Days to a Happier Family
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  Speaker 1: is about how you can create habits to make your
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  Speaker 1: family happier. One of the best selling books on resilience
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  Speaker 1: over the last handful of years has been Nine Ways
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  Speaker 1: to a Resilient Child. Nine Ways to a Resilient Child
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  Speaker 1: is a book that I wrote that's designed to help
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  Speaker 1: you to understand all of the things that we might
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  Speaker 1: be doing that undermine our kids' resilience and find ways
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  Speaker 1: that we can boost their resilience. Right back up, the
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  Speaker 1: book that I think is my parenting bible, the one
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  Speaker 1: that I recommend to everyone if you've got a young
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  Speaker 1: family is Ten Things Every Parent needs to Know. In
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  Speaker 1: that book, you will discover what to do about getting
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  Speaker 1: on the same page as your partner, how you can
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  Speaker 1: discipline your children effectively, what to do about screen time,
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  Speaker 1: how you can manage sibling rivalry. The list goes on
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  Speaker 1: and on, and the one that I'm most proud of
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  Speaker 1: all is Misconnection. Misconnection Way your teenage daughter hate you,
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  Speaker 1: expects the world and needs to talk. If you've got
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  Speaker 1: tween or teen girls, this is the book that considers
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  Speaker 1: all of the big issues when it comes to raising
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  Speaker 1: tween and teen girls. I'd love for you to check
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  Speaker 1: those books out and more. They're all available at Happy
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  Speaker 1: families dot com, dot au or wherever you buy your books.
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  Speaker 1: Twenty one Days to a Happier Family, Nine Ways to
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  Speaker 1: a Resilient Child, miss Connection, and ten Things Every Parent
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  Speaker 1: Needs to Know. Oh and my seventh book is coming
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  Speaker 1: out soon. More details in the next few weeks on
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  Speaker 1: that one. It's especially for dad's expecting that can't wait
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  Speaker 1: for you to discover more about that soon. The Happy
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  Speaker 1: Famili's podcast is produced by Justin Ruland from Bridge Media.
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  Speaker 1: Craig Bruce is our executive producer, and if you'd like
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  Speaker 1: more info about making your family happier, check out those
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  Speaker 1: books Happy families dot com dot you, or just visit
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  Speaker 1: the website, have a look at the articles, the blogs,
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  Speaker 1: and keep on listening to the Happy Families podcast