Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #830 Feeling Well, Doing Well

Transcript

#830 Feeling Well, Doing Well · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

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  Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families podcast. It's the podcast for.
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  Speaker 2: The time poor parent who just wants answers.
• 0:10
  Speaker 1: Now, I think I'm committed to building a new podcast studio.
• 0:13
  Speaker 1: I don't know where, I don't know when, I don't
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  Speaker 1: know any of it. But somebody's doing some renovations in
• 0:18
  Speaker 1: a room on the other side of the wall. So
• 0:21
  Speaker 1: if you hear any hammering or any standing or any noises,
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  Speaker 1: we can't do anything about it. It just is what
• 0:26
  Speaker 1: it is telling you for a long time. You need
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  Speaker 1: to be impaddedself for the podcast. Tell me it's for
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  Speaker 1: the podcast. Well, all right.
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  Speaker 2: I believe that to others discretion.
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  Speaker 1: If you're a Happy Family's member, you will know about
• 0:39
  Speaker 1: this already. If you're not a Happy Family's member, I
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  Speaker 1: think you want to know about it. We've got pretty
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  Speaker 1: good research that's building showing that parent wellbeing is not
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  Speaker 1: exactly great at the moment, and it's declining. Tonight a
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  Speaker 1: webinar for our Happy Families members and for anybody else
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  Speaker 1: who would like to join us. You can get all
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  Speaker 1: the details at Happy Families dot com dot you. The
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  Speaker 1: webinar is called we need to talk about Mental health
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  Speaker 1: for kids and parents. We need to talk about mental
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  Speaker 1: health for kids and parents. And what I would like
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  Speaker 1: to do in the podcast today is I guess give
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  Speaker 1: you a snapshot of where we're going to go into
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  Speaker 1: night's webinar. It's going to be such an important conversation
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  Speaker 1: and if you or somebody who know is struggling with
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  Speaker 1: mental health, I think that you'll want to join in.
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  Speaker 1: If you're a Happy Family's member, it's included in your membership.
• 1:26
  Speaker 1: If you are not a Happy Families member, like I said,
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  Speaker 1: happy Families dot com dot au or become a member today,
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  Speaker 1: it's thirty five bucks for the webinar, but it's only
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  Speaker 1: eighteen dollars a month to be a Happy Family's member,
• 1:35
  Speaker 1: and you got a webinar every single month as well
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  Speaker 1: as a whole lot of other stuff. And you support
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  Speaker 1: the work that we're doing, the work that puts great
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  Speaker 1: quality parenting information into the hands of everybody for free.
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  Speaker 1: The premium content of course is only for members, but
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  Speaker 1: free content with the podcast, with what we do online,
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  Speaker 1: with our newsletter, it's your support as a Happy Familiess
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  Speaker 1: member that helps us to do that. So thank you,
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  Speaker 1: a huge thank you to our members. We love that
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  Speaker 1: you're part of our community. And we love that we
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  Speaker 1: get to share premium content with you. Tonight premium content.
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  Speaker 1: We need to talk about mental health.
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  Speaker 2: So I'm going to assume that you don't have to
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  Speaker 2: necessarily be diagnosed with any mental health challenges to benefit
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  Speaker 2: from tonight's Weminar.
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  Speaker 1: No, no, not at all. Now, let's be clear. Mental
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  Speaker 1: illness is any condition that includes cognitive or emotional disturbances,
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  Speaker 1: or abnormal behaviors or impaired functioning. And the reality is
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  Speaker 1: all of us mentally illum one way or another.
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  Speaker 2: Well, just last week I had an absolute meltdown. You've
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  Speaker 2: been gone for so long. You came home and I
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  Speaker 2: literally fell apart at the seams because life is moving
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  Speaker 2: so fast and there is so much to do, and
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  Speaker 2: I just felt like I couldn't do it all. I
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  Speaker 2: couldn't stretch any further.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, so I've given a very general and very very
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  Speaker 1: loose definition of mental illness. Of course, it has to
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  Speaker 1: be sustained, it has to be ongoing. There's all sorts
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  Speaker 1: of conditions. But in that moment, you were definitely not
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  Speaker 1: mentally thriving and flourishing. I was not, No, you were.
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  Speaker 1: You were experiencing impaired functioning. Emotional disturbance, cognitive disturbance, and
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  Speaker 1: some abnormal behavior.
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  Speaker 2: Wonderful ticking of a boxing sticking, all those.
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  Speaker 1: Fortunately it was temporary, it was short lived, and it
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  Speaker 1: was completely understandable given the circumstances. But we have those moments,
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  Speaker 1: and one in five adults, if we get really serious
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  Speaker 1: about it for a moment, one in five adults report
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  Speaker 1: having a mental illness. Fifty percent of all lifetime cases
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  Speaker 1: of mental illness actually beginning the teen years, and seventy
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  Speaker 1: five percent three quarters of all lifetime cases of mental
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  Speaker 1: and let's begin by age twenty four. It's just amazing.
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  Speaker 2: Well, I guess the biggest challenge for us is that
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  Speaker 2: if this is an isolated moment for me, then we
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  Speaker 2: get up and we get on with things. But if
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  Speaker 2: it becomes a reoccurring challenge, that's where our mental health
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  Speaker 2: starts to decline. When we don't have the skills, the
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  Speaker 2: skill set, the tools in our toolkit to actually help
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  Speaker 2: us move through those big emotions when we're feeling overwhelmed
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  Speaker 2: and just overloaded, and.
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  Speaker 1: Often we're carrying trauma from stuff that's happened previously, and
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  Speaker 1: if we haven't process that well, that trauma will impact
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  Speaker 1: our capacity to be effective today. Now, if we flip
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  Speaker 1: mental illness on its head and we look what mental
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  Speaker 1: health is, they're not opposite ends of the continuum. They're
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  Speaker 1: actually two different things. That is, you can be high
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  Speaker 1: on mental illness or low on mental illness. But just
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  Speaker 1: because you're low on mental illness does not mean you
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  Speaker 1: are mentally healthy. Yes, just means you don't have mental illness.
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  Speaker 1: But there's plenty of people who are not mentally healthy,
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  Speaker 1: but they're also not mentally ill. So mental health and
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  Speaker 1: this is what we're really going to spend time on
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  Speaker 1: in the webinar tonight is a state of well being
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  Speaker 1: where we are able to realize. I'm when I say realize,
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  Speaker 1: I mean act on and live into our unique abilities
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  Speaker 1: and cope with everyday stress and have healthy, constructive, positive
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  Speaker 1: relationships and be productive in our work whatever it is
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  Speaker 1: that we're doing a contribute to the community. People who
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  Speaker 1: are mentally healthy exhibit all of those kinds of should
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  Speaker 1: I say symptoms. That's the symptom of mental health that
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  Speaker 1: you feel good and and do good and have great relationships.
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  Speaker 2: I love how you put it like that because a
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  Speaker 2: number of years ago, when I was a young mum.
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  Speaker 2: I went bike riding with some friends and I had
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  Speaker 2: one of my friends was this ridiculously super trim woman,
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  Speaker 2: and I just assumed that because she was so trim
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  Speaker 2: that she was healthy and fit. But we started writing
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  Speaker 2: and she couldn't go very far before she realized she
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  Speaker 2: was completely out of breath.
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  Speaker 1: Her legs were a king.
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  Speaker 2: And it was the first time I had realized that
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  Speaker 2: it doesn't actually matter what body shape we are to
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  Speaker 2: whether or not we're physically healthy. And so this idea
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  Speaker 2: that we can be lacking in not that it's a
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  Speaker 2: lack it's great lacking in mental illness, still doesn't necessarily
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  Speaker 2: mean that we're healthy.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah. I would use this term we'd be low on
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  Speaker 1: mental illness, that there would be no signs of mental illness.
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  Speaker 1: That's what we're looking for.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah, so I'm really interested. What are we going to
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  Speaker 2: be talking about to.
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  Speaker 1: So I'm going to share five principles tonight. We don't
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  Speaker 1: have time only five. We don't have time for all
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  Speaker 1: five in this conversation. Of course, this is really just
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  Speaker 1: a sneak peek. But one of the things that I'm
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  Speaker 1: going to talk about is that screens are sucking the
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  Speaker 1: life out of us and our kids. I need to
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  Speaker 1: talk about it. Are screen's responsible for mental illness? No,
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  Speaker 1: they're not, because there's plenty of people prior to screens
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  Speaker 1: being what they are now, like prior to say twenty ten,
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  Speaker 1: twenty twelve, who still had mental illness challenges. But it
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  Speaker 1: has gone up and it's what screens are replacing, what
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  Speaker 1: screens are displacing. So we're going to step through that.
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  Speaker 1: I want to play with some data that shows what
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  Speaker 1: happens when you give kids a smartphone at different ages
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  Speaker 1: and sort of show the trajectory of their well being
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  Speaker 1: based on how old they are when they get their smartphone.
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  Speaker 1: And we also need to look at what they're doing
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  Speaker 1: to us, So there will definitely be a focus on technology.
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  Speaker 1: I'm going to talk about this idea of time Confetti
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  Speaker 1: Bridget Schult, this one offl academic who talked about how
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  Speaker 1: what we do with those tiny little pockets of time
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  Speaker 1: make such a difference. You have three minutes there, you've
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  Speaker 1: got seven minutes here. Do you pull out your phone
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  Speaker 1: and let it suck some more life out of you
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  Speaker 1: or do you engage with the person in front of you?
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  Speaker 1: Do you have a chat to the person on the train,
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  Speaker 1: or on the bus, or in the checkout line, or
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  Speaker 1: at the swimming pool while the kids are having their
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  Speaker 1: swimming lessons. Those kinds of things, they are so incredibly
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  Speaker 1: bound up in our well being. You know, the random
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  Speaker 1: conversation that you have with the person at the shops
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  Speaker 1: or at the cafe. You're picking up on every it
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  Speaker 1: is that you've ordered, and you just have that thirty
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  Speaker 1: seconds or forty five seconds of interaction. What does that
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  Speaker 1: do for your well being? Versus having your headphones on,
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  Speaker 1: tapping your card or your phone and saying thanks and
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  Speaker 1: walking out. The quality of our life is changed when
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  Speaker 1: we minimize our screen news. The second big thing that
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  Speaker 1: we're going to talk about is connection, connection to the
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  Speaker 1: currency of our relationships. Connection is so important for well being.
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  Speaker 2: One of the things that I have noticed throughout my life,
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  Speaker 2: and especially in the latter part, is that often I
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  Speaker 2: feel so exhausted from the day's effort that the idea
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  Speaker 2: of having to connect with anyone just feels like too much.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, so we take the path of this resistance.
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  Speaker 2: So are you going to kind of tap into that tonight?
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  Speaker 1: I am, And I'm also going to talk about how
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  Speaker 1: our brain fools us because what you've described there is
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  Speaker 1: that it's actually a cognitive distortion. It's your brain saying
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  Speaker 1: no to something that it needs to say yes to.
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  Speaker 1: It's kind of like when your brain says no, I
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  Speaker 1: don't need to get any sleep right now, I've got
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  Speaker 1: enough energy in me to lay here on the couch
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  Speaker 1: and watch one more episode of Netflix. And your brain
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  Speaker 1: is telling you a lie. And our brains lie to
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  Speaker 1: us all the time about what's going to make us
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  Speaker 1: feel good.
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  Speaker 2: Very fair.
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  Speaker 1: I know they lie to us about relationships. They lied
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  Speaker 1: to us about connections, They lie to us about physical activity,
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  Speaker 1: They lie to us about nature, They lied to us
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  Speaker 1: about getting off the couch, they lie to us about
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  Speaker 1: you name it. Our brains are not designed to optimize
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  Speaker 1: our well being. Our brains are designed to give us
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  Speaker 1: what we want right now that feels good, and that
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  Speaker 1: does not optimize our well being. So we're going to
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  Speaker 1: talk about that. I'm so glad you asked the question.
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  Speaker 2: What else are you going to talk on?
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  Speaker 1: I don't know if I should say anything else, because
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  Speaker 1: I want people to come to the webinar. We're going
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  Speaker 1: to go deeper into all of those things. One more,
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  Speaker 1: one more, just one Okay, all right, this is a
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  Speaker 1: provocative one, but I'm not going to talk about it.
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  Speaker 1: I'm just going to tell you what it is.
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  Speaker 2: Oh, like, you're such a deed.
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  Speaker 1: No, I'm not being a teaser, Like I can't wait
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  Speaker 1: to share this webinars. It's so important for our well being, Like,
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  Speaker 1: if we want to be really great parents, we've got
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  Speaker 1: to do this stuff. And if we want to be
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  Speaker 1: great people, we've got to do this stuff. We're going
• 9:25
  Speaker 1: to talk about how and this this is going to
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  Speaker 1: make some people cry because they feel like they're already
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  Speaker 1: doing it every minute of every day. And yet I'm
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  Speaker 1: going to go really hard on this. This is one
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  Speaker 1: of those you don't sho up at a webinar like
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  Speaker 1: this so that somebody can say, oh, yeah, yeah, you're
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  Speaker 1: doing great. You shop at a webinar like this to
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  Speaker 1: be provoked, and I'm going to be provoking. I'm going
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  Speaker 1: to poke the bear. I'm going to talk about how
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  Speaker 1: doing hard things makes us happier. And I know everyone's
• 9:49
  Speaker 1: going I'm a parent, Maybe you're doing it on your own,
• 9:51
  Speaker 1: Maybe you're going through a separation of divorce. Maybe you're
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  Speaker 1: already hard. It's already hard. That's right, But I'm going
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  Speaker 1: to talk about how doing hard things makes us happier
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  Speaker 1: and how it's worth it. Basically, it's worth it, and
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  Speaker 1: why we need to push through, and how we can
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  Speaker 1: push through in a way that will strengthen our well
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  Speaker 1: being and help us to avoid any costs, any mental
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  Speaker 1: illness costs.
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  Speaker 2: So recently I started doing art classes.
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  Speaker 1: Doing hard things makes us happier. You almost cry some
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  Speaker 1: days when you walk out the door to art.
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  Speaker 2: I can't do this, it is so hard, and Miss
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  Speaker 2: nine decided she wanted to start.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, did I mention this on the podcast already? I
• 10:29
  Speaker 1: feel like maybe I've just shared it with someone you haven't.
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  Speaker 2: And so the last week she literally said to me,
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  Speaker 2: I don't want to go, Mum, it's too hard. I
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  Speaker 2: can't do it. I can't do it.
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  Speaker 1: And so you gave it to me and said you
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  Speaker 1: need to take that.
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  Speaker 2: So you took her along, and I just said, just
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  Speaker 2: tell the teacher what's going on. And they're great. We
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  Speaker 2: have such a supportive network down at the art school.
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  Speaker 2: And she came home a completely different kid with so
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  Speaker 2: much pride in her eyes. When she showed me her
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  Speaker 2: half finished pastor drawing.
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  Speaker 1: I can't believe the stuff this kid's doing. It is hard.
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  Speaker 2: It's really hard, and to me, like as an adult,
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  Speaker 2: like it's so confronting because from one week to the
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  Speaker 2: next week, I might have like a huge successful moment
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  Speaker 2: one week and feel like, oh my gosh, I've got this,
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  Speaker 2: and then the next week I literally get put in
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  Speaker 2: the deep end and I feel like an absolute failure
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  Speaker 2: all over again.
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  Speaker 1: I'm just going to mention, now I need another story
• 11:28
  Speaker 1: if it's night, because that was going to be my
• 11:29
  Speaker 1: big story. But that's fine, You've shared it. Now I'll
• 11:32
  Speaker 1: find another great story for tonight doing hard things, all right.
• 11:36
  Speaker 1: So there's that and a handful of other things that
• 11:37
  Speaker 1: we're going to be talking about. When we're talking about
• 11:39
  Speaker 1: boosting our well being, what can we do to not
• 11:42
  Speaker 1: just be happier? Happy is too shallow? What can we
• 11:45
  Speaker 1: do to feel good? And feeling good comes from doing good,
• 11:51
  Speaker 1: Feeling well comes from doing well, you know what I mean.
• 11:53
  Speaker 1: So we're going to talk about that tonight in the webinar.
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  Speaker 2: It sounds like it's going to be jam packed with
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  Speaker 2: just so many gems for parents right now, really.
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  Speaker 1: Looking forward to it. So that's tonight, eight pm. Australian
• 12:02
  Speaker 1: Eastern Standard time. If you're a Happy Family's member, it's
• 12:06
  Speaker 1: included in your membership. If you're not, please visit us
• 12:08
  Speaker 1: at Happy Families dot com dot you and become a
• 12:09
  Speaker 1: member today. When you become a member, you get to
• 12:11
  Speaker 1: support the work that we're doing as well, which means
• 12:13
  Speaker 1: that we get to help so many families with all
• 12:16
  Speaker 1: of the free resources, and as a Happy Families member
• 12:18
  Speaker 1: you get those premium resources like tonight's webinar. That's it
• 12:22
  Speaker 1: for the podcast. Thanks so much to Justin Ruling, our producer,
• 12:24
  Speaker 1: for making it sound great for Craig Bruce, our executive producer,
• 12:28
  Speaker 1: for the guidance and the direction that he always gives.
• 12:30
  Speaker 1: If you'd like more information about making your family happier,
• 12:33
  Speaker 1: please become a member. Check out Happy Families dot com
• 12:35
  Speaker 1: dot AU